The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Conspiracy Theories - Born in America Compilation

Episode Date: March 31, 2021

Trevor takes a deep dive into American conspiracy theories surrounding the origin of the coronavirus, the dangerous cult of QAnon, concerns about 5G technology and more. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. Once we get out of this, once this is all done and we can finally leave the house and

do normal things like Tungkiss our Uber drivers, there's going to be one question. One question that people want an answer to more than anything. Where in the hell did this disease come from? Because before the virus shut down the world, people were happy. People were happy to accept the official explanation from China, which was that the virus originated at a live animal market where it somehow jumped from a bat to a human. And we were like, okay, I think that's the plot of dark night, but we'll accept it. But now, now that all of us have been stuck in the house with nothing to do except

throw our cat cats birthday parties over Zoom. Everyone. Everyone at home has at time to come up with some theories about how exactly they think this whole thing went down. Now, I've also been spending a lot of time online. And the most common conspiracy theory I've seen is that the virus jumped from a bat to a human, the same way Oreos jumped from packaging into my roommate's mouth. I know where they're going, Billy. I see you. And this is a theory many people were willing to accept because of racism. People are saying that in China, they eat all kinds of crazy things. Hell, I heard they eat cookies with a piece of paper inside.

I was also ready to believe this pandemic could have started as a food thing. Because, look, been I've been in situations where food starts a thing like I was on a flight once where one person ate a tuna sandwich but then we all paid the price so the story made sense until it came out that those viral videos of people eating bat soup weren't even filmed in China yeah and then we found out that viruses can't survive cooking anyway. So that was out the window. Then I heard about a different conspiracy theory that totally makes sense.

You see, it turns out, Corona was never just a virus. No, it was actually a weapon created to take old people out. If you go online, there's no shortage of conspiracy theories. All right, so here's one. The virus was bioengineered in a lab by scientists to be used as a weapon or a form of population control. This is a theory former politician Bronwin Bishop has also suggested. It is to get rid of non-productive Chinese in the Chinese community. In the words of George Bernichur should be eliminated, so they don't have the Chinese community. In the words of George Bernadschule should be eliminated,

so they don't have to be fed. Roseanne Barr is calling the novel coronavirus pandemic a ploy to kill baby boomers. You know what it is, Norm? I think they're just trying to get rid of all my generation. All right, now this theory, this theory made complete sense. Who dies the most from the virus? Old people. Who dies the most anyway? Old people. Bam, it's the perfect crime.

And think about it. As soon as people started saying, okay, Booma, all of a sudden we got coronavirus and old people are dying, that can't be a coincidence. And you might be asking, oh, why would anyone want to take out all the old people. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. toe, toe, toe, toe, to. to. toe, toe, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the t to. ttoo. te. the the try. the try. the the the the the the the the the old people? Well, I don't know. Maybe it's because someone was tired of giving up their seat on the bus. Maybe restaurant owners are just tired of having to open for dinner at 3 p.m.

Maybe young people were just tired of getting their ass whipped at bingo. The point is, the motive I had to let it go. Okay, because a team of scientists, scientists with degrees and qualifications, they sequenced the genome of the coronavirus. They broke it down and they found that unlike every butt in Miami, this virus definitely wasn't man-made. So okay, fine. Maybe this wasn't a biological weapon designed to destroy the slot machine economy. But that wasn't my favorite theory anyway. Because there's one theory, one theory that actually makes the most sense, and it was

this. There's a conspiracy theory sweeping the globe that coronavirus is caused by 5G technology. The theory is that 5G damages the human immune system. All of us should know what's taking place right under our noses. What 5G actually does, it absorbs oxygen and that's really important to know. 5G gets switched on, people drop light flies, and all of a sudden you've got the excuse, because well there's a virus going on. Some people in the UK bought into it so much, they started lighting cell phone towers on fire. 5G burning, burning, burning, burning, burning,

yes, burn those cell phone towers down. We got to put an end to coronavirus. And all group chats. I don't know who any of you people are but I did not ask to be a part of this group. Now I know some of you are sitting at home right now smug like, oh how does 5G cause a virus? How does it... I'll tell you how. Ask yourself this question. What is 5G? It's a super fast network that runs through the air? You know what else goes through the air?

Superman? And what burger did I eat? thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho-s, tho-s, tho, tho-s, tho-s, th, tho-s, tho-a, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th, th, th, th, th, th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th.. I tho, tho, tho, tho. I thoomomooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. tho. I tho? Superman. And what burger did I eat while watching the lost Superman movie? Five guys, five G. I rest my case. Now, I'm not going to lie. There are a few coverage gaps in this 5G theory. Just a few, just a few things that make make me doubt. For starters, every part of this theory is completely ridiculous and biologically impossible. Not to mention, coronavirus has also exploded in places where they don't even have 5G. So I haven't figured that out yet. And 5G, just like 4G and 3G before it is broadcast at such a low frequency, it's too weak to do any damage to you. Yeah. So saying 5G makes you sick, it's sort of like saying an iPhone flashlight gave you a sunburn. In fact, 5G? Broadcast in the same range as a normal

radio. Yeah. And let's be honest, the most dangerous thing we've gotten from a radio wasn't a virus. It was mumbo number five. And that only killed, what, 6,000 people, tops? So, where did the coronavirus come from? I don't know, are you happy? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you thi thi thi thi th thi th th th th thi? Are you happy? Are you happy? Are you happy? Are you happy? Are you happy? thi? I thi? I thi? I thi? I th thi? I thi? I thi? I thi? I thi? I that that thi? I thi? I thi? I thi? I thi? I thi? I th th th th th th? I th? I th? I th? I th? I th? I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I to to to to thi? I to to thi? I to to to thi? I to to to to to to to to to to to to to do to to toe toe toe toe toe too toe toe to to to the the the, tops? So, where did the coronavirus come from? I don't know, are you happy I said it? I don't know. But I'll tell you this. I don't care if any of these conspiracy theories have been debunked. I'm not taking any chances. From now on, I will no longer be ordering the Popeye spicy. I also decided I'm not going to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get the to get to get the to get to get the to get the the to get the to get the the the the the the the the the the the the thiol. the the thiol. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thoomf. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th th th th th th th th th th th th thi th th thi th thi th th thi. th th'm not going to get old it's just too risky. And most importantly I've stopped using cell phones. Yeah,

no 5G for me. From now on I only use a pager. And yeah I know that makes it harder to send nudes but I'm gonna do my best. And I know the alternative to all of this is that I could just wait for doctors and scientists to figure out where this virus came from, but I mean, come on, man, I'm not crazy. If you know anything about Q&Own, you've probably heard that it's a conspiracy theory. But the truth is, it's more like a political cult built around a conspiracy theory and then crossed with a big book of word search puzzles. And if that sounds complicated, well, th th to wait thuuuuuuu- th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thu-a thu-a the the the thi thi the the the thi thi thi-coe, come come come come come come thi-m- thi- thi- thi- thi. Come on, come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come, come, come, come, come, come, th th th th th th th th th th thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. Come to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi. Come on, thee th crossed with a big book of word search puzzles. And if that sounds complicated, well, wait till you hear what they believe in. For believers, Q is an anonymous government official who post classified information about a covert battle between the president

and a malicious ring of celebrities, political elites and the so-called deep state. This anonymous poster, Q, was giving secret clues about becoming, quote, great awakening. The central theme here is that Hillary Clinton and many of the world's other politicians and celebrities are members of a murderous child sex ring. Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Tom Hanks, and others. Eat children in order to extract a life-extending chemical

from their blood group. They believe that a group of military generals recruited President Trump to break up this conspiracy and end their control of the government and the media. Donald Trump in the Cuban view is going to save us from this in a moment called The Storm. His tweets are misspelled for a reason. When he does Kavei, and the smocking gun,

it's all cold for what he's telling us. Okay, I want whatever these people are smocking. Because Trump's typos are a secret message? Man, I wish people were this forgiving when I did stupid shit. No, you guys don't get it. When Trevor threw up at that party, he was showing us. It's what's on the inside that counts. But look, this guy's also not wrong. President Trump's tweets are misspelled for a reason. And that reason is, he can't read. Now look, if Hillary and Oprah were eating children to live longer, I would be horrified.

Because that is such a waste of magic blood. You feed those kids to Ruth Bader Ginsburg, people priorities. But there's no ways this conspiracy theory is actually true. And look, I believe a lot of crazy shit. Okay? I believe the TSA confiscates all our lotion in order to secretly sell it back to us at Walgreens. I believe possums poss the poss the poss the possi their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. theeea. theea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thto us at Walgreen. I believe possums are just dogs without makeup. I believe no one has actually ever broken up with me. They've just all been abducted by aliens. But this conspiracy theory is crazy even for conspiracy theories. I mean, set aside everything else. You're telling me, Trump is doing something heroic,

but instead of taking credit for it, he's keeping it a secret? That is the most unbelievable thing I have ever heard. Plus, if you're wondering how it's possible that Trump can be leading the fight against the pedophile ring when he was friends with Jeffrey Epstein for years, well, according to Q, Trump has been undercover since the 90s, which I believe. I mean, if there's one thing Trump is known for, it's his famously long attention span. So how did this insane the the the the the the the the the the the their their thue thue thuuuu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thui. true, true, true, true, tru, true. tru, tru, tru, tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru, tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tre, tre, tre, tre, tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tru. tr's one thing Trump is known for, it's his famously long attention span. So how did this insane theory take off? Well, partly, it latched onto fears about the real phenomenon of human trafficking. Partly, it fed off ancient anti-Semitic troops about elitists who drink the blood of children, but mostly, it was just the good old internet.

Q&N first emerged in the months after President Trump took office- starting on fringe internet message boards before spreading to social media. The pandemic has only made things worse, and so these people are just there all day. Facebook groups have grown exponentially with Q&ON. In just four months, membership of the biggest public Q&O groups rose by 700%. We saw a lot of groups who were wellness communities, people who were interested in alternative health. People would, the algorithm would sort these people together with the Cuban people. They would say, oh, alternative health, maybe they're into anti-backs. If they're anti-backs, maybe they're into Donald Trump. And within one or two clicks, people would go down these very bad paths.

Yep. That's how the shit always goes on the internet. It feels like at this point the entire purpose of Facebook is to funnel everyone towards the craziest conspiracy theories possible. Because people will join a group about cycling, and then five hours later, they're like, Hillary Clinton is a mountain go people. She's an actual goat! And it's not surprising that the pandemic turned out to create the perfect conditions for people to get radicalized. Some people join Q& on, some people ordered Pelotons, and neither of them will shut up about it. This also shows you how much the internet is ruining our brains.

When Shakespeare was quarantined during the plague, he was like, maybe I should write King Lear. Now people are sitting around during coronavirus, going, I wonder if I could prove that Tom Hanks has sex with the devil. Either way, starting from the swampiest parts of the internet, Q&N gradually picked up followers and eventually grew into a major online movement. And it hasn't seemed to matter that many of the things it predicted over the years just never came true. Early on, they were claiming that Robert Moller was secretly investigating and to indict

the cabal of Democratic leaders and that President Trump was secretly working with Mueller's team. President Trump has secretly created a police force, by the way, to arrest them and force them to wear ankle bracelets. The belief is that somehow, the late JFK Jr. is alive and helping Trump clean up the deep state. Nearly all of these clues, including that Hillary Clinton was arrested, turn out to be wrong, but the batting average doesn't seem to matter. You can present them with evidence, you can demonstrate how the predictions have gone wrong, and they don't seem to care. It's just again and again that Q is bigger than anything they can be presented

with to the contrary. That's right right th th th th right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right. th right. th right. presented with to the contrary. That's right. It doesn't matter how many of Q's outlandish predictions fail to pan out. It never seems to have an impact on the movement. And that, my friends, is the classic sign of cult behavior. Once you're invested enough in something, you will make any excuse for its failures. So please, don't be looking for logic here. That's not the cults the Cults don't follow logic. They follow whatever the cult tells them. That's why you always see cult leaders go so quickly from the sacred aliens have chosen us to weird news, guys. The sacred aliens told me I should bang all of your wives. I guess it must be for our redemption or something to

go some way. I pick her. So, thanks to this religious fervor, Q&ON took over the internet. And it would have been fairly harmless if it had just stayed on the internet, you know, like Momo. That thing was a joke. That was, that was weird. But the scary thing about Qanon is what happened when it jumped from the screen to the streets. This is not just a bunch of online crazy talk. It's dangerous in real life. The FBI says Q&O and their many conspiracy theories are a potential domestic terrorism

threat. The North Carolina man who shot up this DC pizza restaurant looking for non-existent pedophiles believed in similar theories. On more than one occasion, people believed to be followers of Q&ON have shown up, sometimes with weapons, in places that the character told them were somehow connected to anti-Trump conspiracies. In June, a man armed with a rifle and a handgun drove an armored vehicle to the Hoover Dam on what he said was a mission from Qanon. The KUAN followers have allegedly been involved in a foilettings, a th. presidential assassination plot. The devastating California wildfire and an armed standoff with local law enforcement officers in Arizona. In July, a 24-year-old man was charged in the shooting death of a reputed mob boss.

His attorneys argued he was motivated by Q&N. Written on his hand in the courtroom were Q&N symbols. You cannot be serious. Can you imagine being a mob boss and you get whacked by a kid from a message board? Not a rival, just some random kid? You'd almost want them to lie in your obituary and say you were a snitch. But this is insane. Q& on people are out in the world doing real things, shootings, hijackings, kidnappings.

Of all the bad advice I've gotten on the internet, nothing ever came close to making me murder a mob boss. The worst advice I ever got was to use toothpaste to get rid of pimples. But I ate the entire tube of toothpaste and all I got was a tummy ate. Pimples didn't go anywhere. And even with sporadic real-world violence, it might be tempting to dismiss Q-and, there are roughly 50 Q supporters who ran for office in the Republican Party this year. And it's almost certain that one of them is actually going to be in Congress next year. Although maybe that's a good thing. Nothing will prevent them from getting anything done better than being in Congress.

Congress. Congress, the only people with a lower approval rating than Q&N. And then, of course, there's President Trump. He's the big hero in all these Q&N stories. So he could just shut this down quickly by saying, guys, none of this is true. Q isn't a real person. And besides, if there was a sex group with all the most important people in the world, you know I'd try to be in it. Yeah, that's what he could do.

But instead, he has come out and declared that Q&N are some very fine people. At President Trump's rally in Tampa, the image was hard to miss, the letter Q, on signs and t-sirs. We are finally putting America first. The Trump even included included Q& on signs in an ad. President Trump has used his own social media accounts to promote Q&N followers and content, nearly 200 times. President Trump praising supporters of the bizarre Q&N conspiracy theory. He told reporters, he heard that Q&on followers are people who love the country and him.

Well, I don't know much about the movement other than I understand. They like me very much, which I appreciate. But I don't know much about the movement. I have heard that it is gaining in popularity. These are people that love our country, and they just don't like seeing it. Well, at the cross of the theory, it is this belief that you are secretly saving the world from this satanic cult of pedophiles and cannibals. If I can help save the world from problems, I'm willing to do it.

I'm willing to put myself out there. Yeah, you see, it doesn't matter that Q&N is a dangerous cult and all of their beliefs, president Trump is on board. Trump's approach to Qanon is basically the same as that Backstreet Boy song. He doesn't care who you are, where you're from, what you did, as long as you love him. And honestly, people, nobody should be surprised that Donald Trump is embracing Qanon. Donald Trump was always going to embrace Qanon. The surprise is that he's president. So that's Q&N in a nutshell.

It's a violent delusion that spread from the internet to pray on vulnerable people and infect an entire political party. Or maybe, I'm just saying that, to throw you off the real story. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives.

But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. What exactly is the big deal about 5G? Because you might think it's just 4G, but a little bit faster, but it's actually a lot faster, so fast in fact, that it could change the world. The new world of 5G technology promises to transform our lives, connecting millions of devices and enabling everything from driverless cars to smart homes.

Up to 20 times faster than the 4G most of us use now, 5G's lightning fast technology will accelerate and interconnect everything. To download a two-hour film on 3G would take about 26 hours. On 4G you'd be waiting 6 minutes, and on 5G you'll be ready to watch your film in just over 3 and 1 half seconds. Damn, you could download an entire movie in three seconds. That's gonna be fast. I mean, we'll still spend 45 minutes trying to decide

which movie to download, but once we've decided, we'll need to go to bed because we're tired. But tomorrow, three seconds, my friends. And 5G isn't just about download speeds. It's a game changer for everything. Like, with 5G, you can have cities where everything communicates. Like doctors can perform surgeries from the other side of the world.

Can you imagine a world where your videos never buffer, right? Your calls never drop. That would be amazing. Except, I guess now you could never fake a call dropping with 5G. Yeah, because that excuse is gone. You be like, I'm, you're the, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, thheghegheghegheghegheghegheghegheghe, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thiiiiiiiii. thiiii. thi. thi. thi. thi. gone. You'd be like, I'm losing, I'm breaking up. And be like, mother f-fli, you're not breaking up, we got 5G. We're like, yeah, yeah, you're right. Carry on, grandma.

Yes, my grandma is Samuel L. Jackson. So, look, there's no denying. The technology is great. But why do China and the US cares th t th t th t th t th t th t th t th t to th t to thoes to to to to thoes to to thoes thoes to to thoes. to tho to to to to to to tho thoom. thi. thi. thi. thoom. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to toe. toe. toe. to to toe. to to to toe. to. to to to toe. to the. th. th. th. th. th. is great. But why do China and the US care so much about who makes it? Well, it's the same reason they care about anything. The Benjamins, baby. When the US won the 4G race earlier this decade, it provided a nearly $100 billion boost to gross domestic product. And the stakes of the 5G race are even higher.

If the US wins, it would create an estimated 3 million jobs and add approximately $500 billion to GDP. That's right. If America wins the 5G race, that could bring millions of jobs and $500 billion to the country's GDP. $500 billion. You know how hard it is to get $500 billion. Like, you'd have to marry and divorce Jeff Bezos five times. And I mean, after the fourth time, he'd probably catch on. He'd be like, I think, I th th think, I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi. thi. thi. th th th th thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi five times. And I mean, after the fourth time, he'd probably catch on. He'd be like, I think you don't love me. What, me, Jeff? And the fight about 5G isn't just about money and downloading Avengers like that. No, it's also about power. Because if you control 5G, you have access to everything people are doing online, which is everything.

And right now the best 5G technology is made by a Chinese company called Huawei. And because the Chinese company is Chinese, many governments don't trust how secure it's going to be. Huawei may be best known to most people for making phones, but it's also a leading player in building the infrastructure for all our communications. Critics fear that allowing it to build 5G could enable the Chinese state to spy on or even switch off the flow of data we will all depend on. Imagine that. If Huawei becomes the leading 5G provider in the world, then China can spy on everyone, which is terrible, because that's what America wants to do.

Yeah, and I know you're judging, well if America wants to do it, then how do they judge it's not, that's not the point. You want to do it first. It's like when you cut someone off in traffic and then someone else cuts in front of you, like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, that, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th.... that, that, th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's, that's, th. th. that are the stakes, job, money, and power. And I'm not going to try and bore you with all the technical details, but while America is developing its own 5G, China's 5G is so far ahead. Like, they're basically going to set the trends. It's like how back in the day, there used to be a fight between DVD and laser disc. And if you're wondering, what the hell is laser d-di, exactly, exactly, thia, thia, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thi, thi, and, and, and, and, and, and th, and th, and th, and th, and th, and, and th, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, thi, thi, thi, thi's thi's th.ean, th.I's th. th. th. thi's thi's thi. thi, and thi, and're wondering, what the hell is laser disc? Exactly. Yeah. That's America's 5G. So this is a race many people already saying America has lost. Luckily, and I can't believe I'm saying this, America is lucky that you have a

maniac on your team who's willing to play dirty. President Trump has signed an executive order banning US companies from using telecom equipment deemed to be a national security threat. And that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th's th's thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi-a thi. thi. thi-a. thi-a. thi-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-s. thiii. thi. thi. thi. tha-s. tha-s. tha-s. tha-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-s. thacom equipment deemed to be a national security threat, and that's a direct shot at China and its tech giant Huawei. As the U.S. clampdown on the company causes a major domino effect, the UK's biggest mobile network pulling Huawei from its 5G launch, while three of Japan's mobile operators have stopped taking orders or delayed the summer release of a new Huawei phone. Donald J. Mother-Effing Trump. This guy could see America wasn't going to win, so he just got a crowbar and pulled

a Tonya Harding on China's 5G. Just went in straight there. Yeah. The man might not know what 5G is, but he does know how to mess up other people. Shit, it's just in there. Bam! And I'm going to be honest with you, I don't actually blame Donald Trump because I don't know how else America can win this race.

Because even if America does manage to cripple Huawei and China, it's not like America will suddenly have great 5G, right? You won't just have 5G overnight. Unless America just pretends that it does. AT&T is putting a fake 5G logo on iPhones and iPads now. The company confirm into PC magazine that the new icon is going to show up when users download Apple's latest beta version of iOS 12.2. But it's not really 5G. AT&T just changed the name for its 4G LTE Advanced Network

to 5G E. The E stands for Evolution. Okay, guys, that's really sad. AT&T's just gonna lie and put another stick. It's like you have a smart car, and then you just tape Lamborghini on the side of it. Just check it out, man. Driving a Lambeau now, zero to 60 and four minutes flat. But seeing as it's a race that might be lost, AT&T might be onto something here,

because this is considered the new space race. So maybe America can win this race the same way it won the last one. Just fake it, baby. That's right. Pedophile and fake billionaire Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his jail cell after he apparently committed suicide on Saturday morning, which if you ask me, is some bullshit. No, because I wanted Jeffrey Epstein to stay alive for two reasons.

One, so that his victims could get their day in court. And two, I want him to snitch on all his high-profile, pedophile friends. Now he's dead. This is gone. You know who we need? We need that red lady from Game of Thrones to wake his ass up. That's what we need. Come on, Jeffrey.

And what makes this whole Epstein thing even worse is that we already had questions about his whole pedophile operation. Now we have additional questions about how he died. This morning, the question on many minds. How did Jeffrey Epstein die while in federal custody? Epstein had been taken off suicide watch and was supposed to have been checked by guards every 30 minutes, but that procedure was not being followed the night before he was found.

Sources close to the investigation say Epstein underwent a psychiatric evaluation, and they cleared him from Suicide watch on or about July 29th, allowing him to return to his cell. Yeah, they weren't checking in on Epstein and they took him off suicide watch. Why? Like, I'm not an expert on psychology, but if someone tries to commit suicide, I don't think two more weeks of jail would suddenly improve their outlook on life. Now, you may remember, the reason this Jeffrey Epstein case blew up wasn't just because of the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude the magnitude.. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their of jail would suddenly improve their outlook on life. Now you may remember, the reason this Jeffrey Epstein case blew up wasn't just because of the magnitude of his crimes, but also because his circle included some high-profile individuals. Everyone from Bill Clinton and Donald Trump all the way to famous scientists and even royalty.

And because the story involves so many people who are so powerful, many out there wondering if Epstein really suicided himself. This is a suspected suicide and it just smells fishy to so many people. The timing is so suspicious. This comes just one day after those documents were unsealed. I'm not a believer in a conspiracy theory, but I do believe there's lots of suspicious activity to investigate here. Twitter erupted with a number of other conspiracy theories following the news, the shocking

news of Epstein's apparent suicide. Hashtags like Trump body count and Clinton body count and Epstein and Epstein murder were among the top US trends. Trump retweated a baseless conspiracy theory tying the Clintons to the death of Jeffrey Epstein. That's right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right th. That's right th. That's right th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the th. the th. the the th. the they, their their their their, their, the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the the the their, their, their, their, their, their is their, their their their th. I th. I th. I the. I the. I the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. I the.ing the Clintons to the death of Jeffrey Epstein. That's right. I mean, I get everyone else on Twitter, but the President of the United States is also retweeting conspiracy theories that Jeffrey Epstein was murdered by the Clintons. Yeah, the President did this, which is pretty wild. I mean, because this is the type of moment where you would think the president would be the voice of reason. Instead, Trump is jumping th- th- th- th- th- th- th-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-heat-heat-he-heat-heat-heatheatheatheat- tho- tho-hea-hea-hea-hea-hee, thi thi-hee, I thi-hee, thi-hee, thi-hee, thi-hee, thi-he th, th, thi-he th, thi-he th, thi-he thi-he thi-he thi-he thi-hee-hee-hea-hea-hea-he-he-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-wo'-wo'-wo'-wo-wo-wo'-wo-wo-w-yyy. tho-eeeeeeeeeee. th. the type of moment where you would think the president would be the voice of reason. Instead, Trump is jumping into the fray. Yeah. You know what, he's like, he's basically that dad that when a fight breaks out in the little

league game, he runs into the field, but instead of breaking it up, starts body slamming the third graders. Yeah, take dad. Take dad. doing this in pop. You know what Trump needs? Trump needs a finster. That's what he needs. Yeah, one of those secret Instagram accounts that only your close friends can see. That's what he needs. Then he can use that to just go crazy with these racist stuff, conspiracy theories, butt picks. He can just let it all out. Just get it all out. And America doesn't have to stress. But this time, though, this time, this thiiiiiiiiii. thime, thime, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. the. the the the theee theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. the. the. the. th, this time, it's not just Trump. It seems like everybody thinks that something shady happened here. People on the right are saying it was the Clintons who killed Jeffrey.

People on the left are saying Trump killed him. Jassy Smollett says it was two white Nigerian guys. And I don't know, guys. And I don't know, guys. I don't know. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but something weird happened here. Like, I was thinking maybe it wasn't Trump or the Clintons. Maybe it was America. This incident should make us all troubled about the jail system.

We know that there are many deaths by suicide in jails throughout the country. The Metropolitan Correctional Center has been understaffed leading to low morale among guards and the two guards in the special housing unit where Epstein was kept were both on overtime, one of the guards on his fifth overtime shift of the week. Sources at the jail tell CBS News they often rely on certain inmates to assist guards in monitoring other inmates due to to to to to to to the the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their thails thals thals thals thals thals thals thails. thals. theals theals theals thials thials.als thoals thoals thoals thials thials.s thials. thals. thals. thals. thals. thals. thals. thals. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their theirals. theirals. their theals. theals. theals. thea's isa's thealalalalalailsilsilsilsilsilsilsils.auauauauauauauauauauauauauailsils.ails. the jail tell CBS News, they often rely on certain inmates to assist guards in monitoring other inmates due to a lack of manpower. Yeah, you heard that right.

Thanks to overworked staff and underfunded prisons, suicide among inmates is all too common in the United States. With some prisons so understaffed that guards ask other inmates to be on suicide watch for them, which is not ideal. I mean, what if the person the person the person the person the person they they the person they they they the person the person they they they the person the person they the person they they the person they the person they the person they they're the person they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're the tho. they're th. th. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I their. I their. I their. I'm their. I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thate. thateeeateateateateateateat toeateateat toeateateat. toeateate. toea. toe. suicide watch for them, which is not ideal. I mean, what if the person they put on suicide watch is a murderer? Huh? What happens then? He's just like, so the good news is he didn't kill himself. So look, man, I'll be honest, I get why everybody's suspicious of how this all went

down, because you would think a high-profile person like Jeffrey Epstein would have eyes on him all the time. But to be honest, I'm also not sure that there's a conspiracy here. Like if anything, for me, the conspiracy has been taking place over the last 10 years. First of all, Epstein magically only served 13 months for his crimes. And in that 13 months, he got to leave the prison the prison the prison the prison the prison to the prison to the prison the prison to the prison the prison to the prison the prison the prison the prison the prison, the prison, the prison, the prison the prison thease thiol-missue, thiol-missue, thoe, th. th. thiol-upo-upo-upiol-upiol-upi, I'm th. th. I'm th. I'm th. I th. I th. I th. I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I to to to to to thi-I. I'm to the, I'm the, I'll the, I'll the. I'll toean, I'll the the the the the the the thean. I'm that 13 months, he got to leave prison and go to the office six days a week. And the prosecutor sealed the case which protected Epstein and his co-conspirators and robbed his victims of due process. That for me was the conspiracy.

How did that happen? What was going on there? That's the conspiracy. And maybe, just maybe, just maybe, what happened here is the result of their not being a conspiracy anymore. And Epstein being treated for the first time, just like everyone else. Donald Trump is not a quitter if you don't count his casinos and marriages. And he still has several strategies to win this thing. So let's go through those strategies today.

Strategy number one, is Trump's first response to anything, whether it's trying to get out of paying a bill or silencing a porn star? Lawsuits. With his path to re-election appearing to be narrowing, President Trump's relying on counting until the Trump campaign can access the counting locations. The Trump campaign saying it would request a recount in Wisconsin

where Joe Biden is the apparent winner. The Trump campaign, filing a lawsuit in Georgia, alleging one of its poll on-time absentee ballots in a heavily Democratic county that includes Savannah. Quite possibly we'll do a national lawsuit and really expose the corruption of the Democrat Party. Ooh a national lawsuit? So if you're watching this, consider yourself served. And what a difference between 2016 and 2020? When Hillary lost, she disappeared into the woods. But Trump starts losing. He's dragging voters one by one onto the witness stand.

Although knowing Trump, he's probably just hustling for a big settlement. I'm suing because I should be president. That's why I'm here. But for 500 grand, we can forget this whole thing ever happened. 300,000. 250,000. My final offer, 50,000. I'll pay th, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but th, but th, but th, but th, but th, but only th, but only th, but only th, but only th, but. 300,000. 250, my final offer. 50,000. I'll pay you, but only $20,000 out of the deal.

But what case exactly are they bringing to the courts? Well, Rudy Giuliani, the president's personal lawyer and man who drank from the wrong holy grail explained his objections to counting votes. Not a single Republican has been able to look at any one of these mail ballots. They could be from Mars as far as we're concerned, or they could be from the Democratic National Committee. Joe Biden could have voted 50 times as far as we know, or 5,000 times. You have a reputation for dead people voting, and we're going to go look at just

how many dead people. Do you think we're stupid? You think we're fools? Do you think we're fools? Calm down, Count Wacula. First of all, it depends on who you mean by we. Because if you're talking about you and Trump, then yes. We do think you're fools. But if you're talking long the lines have been? Not even Joe Biden wants Joe Biden to be present

bad enough to wait that long. And as for looking into dead people, it's going to be hilarious when Rudy Giuliani is questioning the dead on how they voted. Did the Democrats get you to vote for them? No, man, I'm a dead guy, just like you. What? I'm not dead, I'm alive! Oh, then you should you should get that whole thing checked out. That's, oh. Now, I'm not gonna front. It's really hard to keep track of all of these lawsuits that are happening, but luckily we've got Dulce Sloan at the election

lawsuit center to help us break it all down. So Dulce, who is Trump suing right now? Let's take a look, Trevor. We got a whole bunch of lawsuits coming in fast. We already know that Trump is suing Pennsylvania and Michigan and Georgia, but he's got even more on the way. Arizona? Oh, your ass is getting sued. Nevada, lawyer up, you're getting sued. Utah, your neighbors with Nevada.

Trump's gonna sue you just because it's convenient to pop by. Pennsylvania, that's right, again. You're getting double sued. And Trump isn't just suing states. France, your ass is getting sued. For what? Not sure. See you in court. Also, Eric Trump said he found a box of Trump votes in a volcano on Mars. So Mars, your red ass is getting sued. Oh, and I almost forgot. Pennsylvania, triple sued. Just

for thinking Trump was done suing you. Guess who else Trump is suing. That's right? Donald Trump, he's suing himself. Because if it wasn't for all his bullshit, he wouldn't losing Pennsylvania which by the way Trump has sued again quadruple sue that's what we got so far Trevor or should I say defended 32 see you in court bitch oh man I've always wanted to be sued by Trump thank you so much for that Dilsay so it's gonna take some time for these lawsuits to be thrown out by a series of lower courts before the Supreme Court does whatever Trump wants. But Trump isn't sitting around waiting. He's also been urging his followers to take to the streets, and they're showing up like coronavirus at a White House Rose Garden event.the Trump campaign wants some states to stop counting votes while other states continue counting. In Arizona overnight

hundreds of Trump supporters, some armed, gathered outside a Phoenix Election Center saying the election was being stolen from the president. Protesters there looking to keep the count going as the race titans. Where are the boats? And in the battleground state of Pennsylvania, voters say the tension there is intense. Timpers flaring from coast to coast. The Biden crime family steal this election. The media is covering up.

The Biden crime family steal this election. The media is covering up. We want our freedom for the world. Give us our freedom, Joe Biden! Okay, two things. First, this ugly behavior undermines the foundations of American democracy. And secondly, I hope they have that barbecue beer freedom shirt in a hoodie version. That is dope. Also, the Biden crime family, that has got to be the least threatening-sounding, organized crime family ever. You know, you've got a really nice place here. Be a pity of some malarky. That, that, that, th. That, thi thi that, thi thi thi thi thi. That, thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the, the, the, the least threatening-sounding organized crime family ever. You know, you've got a really nice place here.

Be a pity if some malarkey happened to it. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, seriously. I can't believe we were all terrified that Trump supporters would coordinate a civil war, and yet these guys can't even agree on a slogan to shout in the streets, because they're chancing to count the votes if Trump is behind in the state, but then if he's ahead, then they're chanting to stop the count. I mean, what happens if the state switches?

Count the votes! Well, we are counting, and it looks like Joe Biden has just taken the the lead. Okay, stop counting the votes! We changed our minds. Depends how it goes. But if Trump can't win the election in the streets, he has one final plan to win the election in the tweets. The president after election day out of sight, but far from quiet, ignoring the ongoing vote count and declaring himself the winner in several crucial battlegrounds.

Writing on Twitter in part, we hereby claim the state of Michigan, but that's not a candidate's call to make. No, come on Donald, what are you doing, man? Just because you shout it, it doesn't mean it's yours. This is the election, not writing shotgun. Mine! I call, I call, I call White House. And isn't it ironic that Trump spent months warning that rioters were going to loot all the stores, but now he's the one trying to loot the electoral college. It's all mine. It should have been mine. I want it. It's all mine. Also, can we agree that it's adorable how he included the word hereby, just to make it sound smarter and more official.

You know, he's like, oh no, I said hereby, so this is real. You can't use that in 2020. That shit only worked back in the day when people were colonizing land. I declare this land property of Her Majesty the Queen. This is our land. We will kill you. Well then I hereby declare this land, property of Her Majesty, the Queen. Ah, guys, he said hereby. There's nothing we can do now. Stand back and stand by.

Ooh, crafty, eh? But if none of these plans work, and Donald Trump can't stop Joe Biden from becoming president, well, all is not lost for the GOP, because it turns out that Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader, and world's most powerful ball sack, has a plan to take care of Biden even if he wins. Axios has a good piece out today about McConnell, arguing that if he keeps the majority, he will force Biden to keep his cabinet choices centrist. McConnell's already lining up his troops to be ready to make things difficult for the Biden administration, looking to control the type of cabinet that Biden can assemble, the type of hearings that Biden can assemble, the type of hearings that he can have. Mitch McConnell is going to be a, and the Republicans in the Senate will be a blocking force.

Ah, that's right. It doesn't matter who's president. I'll always be the cock blocker in chief. Blah-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. The Daily Show with Trevnoa, ears. Watch the Daily Show with C. the the Daily show week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week week-week-week-week-week-week-week-week-wni-cocl-cocl-cocl-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-a-in-in-in-in-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-cans. the the the the the the-s. the-s. the-co-s. the-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co'-co-co-co-co-co-a-a- on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show.com. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives.

But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple Podcasts, starting September 17. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.