The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Coronavirus Updates - America's Vaccine Rollout Chaos & International Pandemic News

Episode Date: January 31, 2021

Coronavirus vaccination in the U.S. is plagued by chaotic distribution, a cat's birthday party leads to a COVID-19 outbreak in Chile, and China uses anal swabs to test for the virus. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17th. It is incredibly disappointing that we are a full year into coronavirus and we still cannot

socialize normally. And a lot of people thought that the end was inside two months ago, you know, when the vaccines were approved. But if you've been having a hard time getting a coronavirus vaccine, congratulations again on being basic. Because it turns out there are millions of Americans in the same boat. Here in the US, injection plans are entangled in red tape, a confusing patch. A, a th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A thi. A thi. A thi. A thi. A thi. A toe. A toxic, a toxic, a toxic, a toxic, a toe. A toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe. Wee. Wee. Wee. Wea. Wea. Wea, toe. Wea, toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. turns out there are millions of Americans in the same boats. Here in the US, injection plans are entangled in red tape, a confusing patchwork of eligibility rules and poor communications. The country's war against coronavirus waged as 50 separate battles.

Each state now with its own vaccination strategy. Local and state officials say the real problem is supply. Governors angry that reserve doses promised by the federal government are unavailable. They were lying. They don't have any doses held back. Unpredictable allocations are causing delays and confusion across the country. At its current pace, California won't vaccinate even half its residents until Thanksgiving. New York's vaccine supply crisis, that's escalating too. The opening sites at Cityfield, at Yankee Stadium, Staten Island's Empire

outlets, that's now all on hold because of the shortage. In West Virginia, 25,000 extra vaccine doses never showed up. If you can buy a vapepen on every corner in Los Angeles, you should be able to get a vaccine, frankly, in every gas station. Yeah, you know what? That doctor is 100% right. Gas stations should offer vaccines, and not just for Corona. They should give you a vaccine for everything you pick up from that bathroom key. But I don't know that this is really a surprise, guys. I mean, we should have seen this coming back when Popeyes ran out of chicken. If America can't handle sandwich distribution, what chance do they have with the vaccine? So look, there was no way

that the vaccine rollout was gonna go smoothly. I mean, everything with COVID has been a horror movie. Why would the end of the horror movie be any different? If a killer spent 90 minutes stabbing people, he's not gonna suddenly come out in the final scene like, realize something. What I really need to kill are my insecurities. So, the federal government is having trouble getting vaccine doses to the states, and states are having trouble getting them to health care providers. But even once vaccines are available, people who need them are having way too harder time getting to them.

If you have been able to get a COVID vaccine, maybe you should go play the power ball because you are extremely lucky. That's because around the country people are trying to get this shot and are being met with crashing websites, long lines, canceled appointments and shortages. In Houston, a call center for making vaccine appointments crashed. At one point it received about 250,000 calls for only 750 available slots. One big concern, that making an appointment depends too much on technology.

Research shows only 60% of those 75 and older use the internet. I feel like I'm in a maze with no open doors. From Texas to Tennessee to Florida. People waiting in lines for hours for a shot. In Daytona, Florida, some senior citizens spent the night in their cars. This is the most insane thing, no porta-patties, and there are three people working the entire line.

We're not teenagers. We're talking about 75 and seniors. No, guys, this is unacceptable. The only time a senior citizen should be in a car for nine-a-a-in, th. th. th. th. th. th. thii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thin, thin, thi, thin, thin, thin, thin, thi, thin, thin, th. th. th. thin, thi, the, the, the th. the the the the the the the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. th. to, to, to, th. to, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, to to tean, toen, toen, toen, toen, toen, their soan, their soan, their some, their, their, their, unacceptable. The only time a senior citizen should be in a car for nine hours is when they're trying to make a left turn in front of you. And that's it. And I feel bad for a lot of old people because they can't figure out how to make appointments on these complicated websites, which means it's going to be super awkward for some of them because they're going to have to get back in touch with their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their strange their strange their strange their strange their strange their strange the back in touch with their estranged children. Hello, my son, I've decided to accept you for who you are.

Yeah, I know, I know. Now bring your gay laptop over here and help me make a vaccine appointment. And what makes all of this even more frustrating, is while most vaccination sites don't have enough doses, it turns out there are some that have too many. Wasting valuable vaccine doses, it is a problem that understandably has officials concerned. In some places across the country, leftover doses have been thrown out.

Doses that could have been given to anyone wishing to get vaccinated, but not yet eligible to get the shot because they don't fit the demographic criteria. Healthcare workers here in Massachusetts were just forced to throw doses out. That's because people aren't showing up for their appointments and the vaccine is going bad. Regular guy David McMillan randomly got a Moderna shot at a DC grocery store when first responders missed their appointment. Healthy 26-year-old was in a Brooklyn clinic for a coronavirus test and was told there was one vaccine dose left for anyone who wanted it. There was no one there. I mean they were

about to close the clinic for the day. It was my arm of the garbage. This is wild people. You've got 75 year olds waiting overnight in their cars. And then you've got 26 year olds stumbling into a vaccine because someone missed their appointment. tooe. their appointment, which by the way raises the question, who is missing an appointment for a COVID vaccine? What else are these people doing? Are there really people out there who are like, I mean sure I have a vaccine appointment at 3 p.m. but I also have this cat birthday party I'm supposed to go to so... And look, I don't mean to be a hater, but could the scientists not make vaccines that don't go bad this fast? I mean, it's the most advanced technology on earth, but then at the same time, they age like avocados?

Hey, I just cut open an avocado. Would you like some? You know what? Too late, it's rotten now. Now, it may not surprise you of life that people with money can too often jump to the head of the line. And it turns out, COVID vaccines are no different. It's been difficult for a lot of people to get a vaccine

because of the shortage in doses. So some are getting desperate, trying to find the vaccine on the black market. Doctors in Los Angeles are being offered up to $25,000 in exchange for early access to the vaccine. This cybersecurity expert uncovered these ads on the dark web. COVID vaccines available, this one for $500, this one $1,000, even offering overnight delivery. Some wealthy and well-connected people are trying to cut the line. In Florida officials are investigating reportsthat a luxury assisted living facility offered and vaccinated its

board members and wealthy donors out of turn. Since Florida does not require people seeking vaccines to be U.S. citizens or even Florida residents, it's led to some visitors coming from abroad to get vaccinated. Critics call it vaccine tourism. There is evidence a dozen wealthy Argentinians travel to Miami to get their shots. One Argentine TV personality posted video on Instagram showing her elderly mother getting vaccinated. Oh man, this is not where America wants to be. It's so poorly run that people from other countries are just

waltzing in, plundering its resources, and leaving. Ha ha! Not so much fun when it happens to you, Signor Beach. But look, I'm not surprised that the wealthy are finding a way to game the system. I will say, I'm not really sure that these people should be trusting a black market vaccine that they found on the dark web. Thank you so much. Wait, hold on. Is vaccine supposed to be spelled with a K? Hey, do you want vacaqin or not?

So, there's no denying that the vaccine distribution is going badly for a whole host of reasons. But it does not have to be this way. Because America America thiiiiiiiiiii, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, I I I I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I will thi, I will thi, I will thi, I will thi, I will to to to to does not have to be this way. Because America has a history of mass vaccination programs, and it turns out they've been pretty successful in the past. For centuries, the smallpox virus ravaged the globe. So when a new outbreak hit New York in April of 1947, city officials launched an urgent offensive, vaccinating more than 6 million people in less than a month.

Vaccination stations were set up in all municipal hospitals and clinics, every police precinct station house, and in private factories and offices. The idea that you could vaccinate 6 million people, and that short period of time is stunning. It's an absolute public health triumph that they were able to do this. They saved thousands of lives. At the current time, probably the government doesn't have the kind of public health infrastructure

that they would need to be able to do this. Okay, honestly, guys, that is a little embarrassing. America can barely get its vaccination program off the ground but in 1947 New York managed to vaccinate six million people in a month and sure it was easier to vaccinate six million people back then. There wasn't shit else to do you know. There was radio and like three TV channels. Getting stabbed with a needle was the most exciting thing you could do with your day. But the point is that America had the infrastructure and the health care system to handle th th th th to handle th th to handle th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thu th thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thi thu thu thi thi. thi. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. the. the. the. the. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th needle was the most exciting thing you could do with your day. But the point is that America had the infrastructure and the health care system to handle such a huge task.

Although, it was 1947, so that means everything still had cocaine in it. Hey, you want a vaccine? Boom, boom, boom, boom, who needs a vaccine? All right, I'm going to grab more of those sodas that make me happy. And while it might be depressing to see that things are worse now than they were 70 years ago, it also shows you what America is capable of when it rises to the challenge. So America, I say to you now, let's learn from the past. In fact, you know what? I'm going to travel back in time to the 1940s when things were better

with vaccinations and pick up some pointers. They called me the N-word. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. By now, everyone knows that there are a few ways to try and avoid catching this disease.

You wear a mask, you observe social distancing, and if all else fails, you roast coronavirus so hard that it doesn't want to come near you. Damn, look at you, Corona! You got so many zits. It looks like you exfoliate with pizza crust. Ha ha ha! No, no, don't cry. Ah, I feel bad. Oh, and of course, another big one, do not gather indoors for parties, no matter how important the event is. A small town in Chile is dealing with a COVID outbreak that all began with a celebration

for a feline. Health authorities say 15 people came down with the virus after a birthday party for a cat. Ten actually attended the party and five others or friends or family members of the cat's owner. The birthday cat was not infected. God damn. These people got COVID from a cat birthday party? Yo, that's the most embarrassing thing I've ever heard. I don't want my lost words on my deathbed to be. Tell Mr. Whiskers I had a great time.

This is such a weird story. First of all, because I can't believe someone who would throw a cat birthday party actually has friends and secondly, cats don't even like parties. When have you ever seen a cat who's like, oh a room with loud humans in it? I hope one of them straps something onto my head, meow. Just because we have a vaccine for the coronavirus doesn't mean it's going away immediately. In fact, right now, it's only getting worse. The urgency of the vaccine effort is even more critical this evening, a race against time as those new and more contagious strains of the virus spread.

COVID-19 has been mutating throughout this pandemic, and in recent months you've had these disturbing variants emerging that have been discovered in the UK here in South Africa and Brazil. Epidemiologists warn with the new variants even brief interactions like an outdoor chat without a mask or having a cup of coffee indoors can increase your transmission by up to 70 percent. Authorities still don't know why the new variants are so contagious. So as an extra layer of protection they recommend wearing two masks.

Whoo? Corona virus is one hell of a competitor, man. It's like Michael Jordan. You know, it heard we made a vaccine. And Corona was like, and I took that personally. Because so far, there's three major variants out there. And new ones are popping up all the time. Like, pretty soon we're gonna th, we th, we th, we need need need need need need need need need need need need need need need need need need need need need need need need the the th. th. th. th. ththe time. Like pretty soon we're going to need a Somalier to tell them apart. Ah yes, here we have a 2021 from the foothills of Wales, very strong. If you if you give that a

smell, you'll notice that you can't smell. But because these variants are so much more infectious, authorities are now suggesting that everybody wear two masks, which I think is a great idea, especially for America, because when experts said wear a mask, half the country was like, hell no, that's my freedom. So if you tell them to wear two masks, then people are like, screw you, I'm only wearing one mask, Lib Tart! And it turns out, these new variants are hitting particularly hard right now,

because a year of restrictions has gotten people tired of that lockdown life. The new COVID lockdown in the Netherlands has sparked violent protests that continued tonight. Protesters have fought with police in several Dutch cities, setting fires to buildings. Hundreds of arrests have been made since the protest started over the weekend. The lockdown includes a 9 p.m curfew. That's the first in the Netherlands since World War II.. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tha tha tha tha tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. th. the th. tha. tha. tha. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. te. te. te. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. te. te. te. protest started over the weekend. The lockdown includes a 9 p.m. curfew. That's the first in the Netherlands since World War II. All right, guys. This right here is a bad sign.

How are we going to keep the lockdowns going in the rest of the world when the country that invented legal weed is losing its shit? I mean, the Netherlands are supposed to be one of the chill countries. Think about it. How often do you hear, careful, careful, you don't want to mess with that, dude. He's Dutch. The Dutch are super nice. They're so nice they named paying for things together after them. You want to be an asshole or you want to go Dutch. But yeah, of course, people hate lockdowns.

I mean, even just is rebrand lockdowns, you know? Make it more appealing, like call it a nationwide slumber party, or extended cozy time, or the pretend you're an indoor cat challenge. Of course, lockdowns are always a temporary fix. The real solution is going to be getting everybody vaccinated. And one country is showing everyone else how it's done. The world's biggest success story right now, Israel. Israel is a relatively small country, but it has administered far more first doses.

Israel continues to lead the world in vaccinations using the American-made Pfizer or Moderna vaccines. While in most countries around the world, you have to be part of a priority go to be vaccinated. Israeli clinics have been giving out any remaining doses to the general public after their day's scheduled appointments and for priority patients. Everything is done through our phones. We all get notification where we can receive the vaccination. And it worked very, very well done to Israel on leading the world in vaccinations. And you know it makes sense that that th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, the the thi, the their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. I, th. I, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I, th. I, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr. I, thr. I'm, thr. I'm, thr. throan. I'a. I'm, thr. I'm, thr. I'm, the. I'm, the. I, thi. I'm, well done to Israel on leading the world in vaccinations. And you know, it makes sense that they're doing this through people's phones. I mean, there's already an app where you can catch diseases, so why not have one that cures them too?

What I don't understand is, why can't America have that app too? to, huh? Israel doesn't even have to change it. I'll learn Hebrew else to do. Now, as important as everyone getting vaccinated is, there's one thing that's even more important, making sure that your vaccine actually works. Chinese company Cinefac says it has confidence in its vaccine. That has just been picked up by Indonesia, Brazil and Turkey, but there has been skepticism over the veracity of its data. Questions are beginning to arise because Indonesia also conducting its own trials, releasing numbers that put its efficacy at about 70%.

Brazil's findings for this very same vaccination dropped efficacy down to 50% percent. Yes. Much like an airplane touch screen, China's vaccine only works about 50% of the time. No, Lion King. Lion King. Lion King. Play Lion King. Play Lion King. Play Lion King.

I guess I'm watching cats. And I've got to say, guys, I really feel bad for these countries. How could they have guessed that China would make a cheap knockoff of the vaccine. I mean, what is a person supposed to do with a vaccine, the vaccine, the vaccine, the vaccine, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. their, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. tion, thi, play, tion, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play. their. their. their, play, their, their, their, their, their, tion. ti. ti. ti. today, t t t t t t tt t t t t t t t t t t thea, t ttttthea, toy. toy. tt is a person supposed to do with a vaccine that's only 50% as effective as the others? Start standing three feet away from other people, go have half a meal in a restaurant, only hug one of your grandmas? Now just because China is struggling to manufacture vaccines doesn't mean that they've stopped moving forward with technology, especially when it comes to testing for coronavirus. China has begun carrying out anal swabs for COVID-. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thii. to thi. to thi. thi. to thi. to to to to to to thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, start thi, start thi, start thi, start thi, start thi, start th. Start, start th. Start, start th. Start, start th. Start, start th. Start, start th. Start, start th. Start th. Start th. Start th. Start th. Start th. Start th. Start th. Start thi. Start thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to thi. to toa. toau. toau. toau. toau. toau. toau. toau. to to to thi. S, thi. S, th it comes to testing for coronavirus. China has begun carrying out anal swabs for COVID in a controversial move that has received

some pushback. A hospital in Beijing carried out the swabsabs when testing staff at a school, while authorities in some hotspot areas may introduce the measure for people arriving from abroad. They've been doing blood serum tests to determine whether or not people have COVID antibodies and in some places, including a Beijing hospital, they carried out anal swabs with the idea being that the presence of the virus in excrement is longer to detect than if you do, say, a mouth swab. You know what? There's a point at which I would rather just have the coronavirus. Although I can't say I'm surprised to hear this,

I mean, scientifically speaking, the anus is the nostril of the butt. And the plus side is, with testing like this, you might not even need a vaccine. You just tell people, hey, we're not having lockdowns, but every time you leave your apartment, some stranger's going to shove a Q-tip up your butt. We'll be done with coronavirus in like two weeks. And now there's actually some good pandemic news for a change, people. Cases in the US are dropping steeply for the first time ever. And the Biden administration is purchasing 200 million more vaccine doses

and plans to have the entire country vaccinated by the end of summer, which is so exciting. That means I'll be vaccinated just in time for apple picking picking. I'm partying. I mean partying at like the coolest orchards. I mean clubs. You know, I don't pick apples. And while they are still problems distributing the vaccine, some medical providers are getting creative to make sure that not a single dose goes to waste. A snowstorm that snarled traffic in Oregon ended up being a blessing in disguise for drivers who ended up being in the right place at the right time.

That is because, also stranded in that very same storm was a group of health care workers who had been administering vaccines. The workers had six doses with them and were worried the doses would go bad before they made it back. So they started giving out vaccines to others. Among those who were vaccinated was a sheriff's office employee who had been trying to get to the vaccine site when the storm hit. Okay. Now that, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. te. te. te. tea. tea. tea. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. today. the the the the trying to get to the vaccine site when the storm hit. Okay, now that, that's a pretty dope story. Imagine being caught in a storm and lucking into a COVID vaccine. That is officially the best thing to happen on a road in Oregon.

I mean, normally when you get stuck out, they just die of dysentery, and then you've got to restart. Now, some of the drivers they asked chose not to get vaccinated. And honestly, I get that. I mean, if some stranger in a van offered to give me a shot, I would also say no. I learned that lesson when I was a kid. Yeah, you can only fool me so many times, Mr. Barry, you know my uncle. But I do think that there's an important lesson here for everyone. Whenever there's a blizzard, get in your car and drive around

until you stumble on someone with extra vaccines. And that, my friends, is Trevor's safety tip of the day. The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, Ears Edition. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show.com. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more.

When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.