The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Correspondent Spotlight: The Best of Samantha Bee

Episode Date: August 7, 2023

Former 'Daily Show' corespondent Samantha Bee tackles an array of topics from; Sarah Palin supporters to advocates of Long Island’s secession. She also sheds a light on the so-called difficulties of being a man in America, investigates the theory that women disrupt combat-zone guy-namics, and shows the correct way to use your spouse for a public apology. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official survivor podcast on fire. And this season we are joined by fan favorite and Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie, Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here, and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire the official survivor podcast starting September 18th wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. Despite Governor Palin's star turn last night, there are still those who would cloud governor Palin's candidacy with irrelevant issues.

Or Samantha B hit the convention floor to find out more. Last night, Sarah Palin took the stage and silenced her critics. This woman is qualified. Tell me about her qualifications. One, she's a beautiful lady. She hunts and fishes and is not afraid to get her hands dirty. She's only that far from Russia, from those eyes of Putin. One of the things that I really respect about Sarah Palin is that she makes Americans feel like anyone can be president.

But there's one issue for which she's still being unfairly attacked. It's very inappropriate that the Democrats have seized on the issue of Bristol's pregnancy. That is a personal, that is very personal, and I don't think that she should be attacked for that. I think it's a family issue. Politics should stay out of people's business. Do what's right. You know, she's going to have the baby.

She said no, it's a human being. She made, she made, she made, I, she made, she's, she's, I, she's, I, I, she's, I, I, she's a, she's a, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, is, thi, is, is thi, is a thi, is a thi, thi. thei. thean, is thean, is thean, is that that that that that thi. thi. thi. It is thi. It's going to have the baby, she's going to get married. She said, no, it's a human being. She made the, I'm sorry, what is the decision, the decision. There's another word I'm looking for. It rhymes with, I think it rhymes with voice. Every family and every woman should have the right to... I'm sorry, what's the word I'm looking for? It's her family. It's her, oh, oh, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm the the the the the the decision, I'm, I'm, I'm the decision, I'm the decision, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I, I'm, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the decision., the the the the decision, the decision, the decision, the decision, the decision, I'm the decision, I'm the decision, I'm the decision., I'm the the the the the right to... I'm sorry, what's the word I'm looking for? It's her family, it's her, oh God what is the word? What is the word I'm looking for? It's like an alternative or if you have two things, you be Sarah Palin and I'll be her 17

year old daughter. Bristol, you know you and I've always been able to openly discussing. What do you want to talk to me about? I'm too busy right now, mom. Can you get out of my room? It's like when you have a lot of options and you have to select one. What's the word I'm looking for? What is the word? Adoption is one. No, there's a specific word I'm looking for. I'm sure the family will be able to make the best decision. But they'll have the freedom to make to to to to to the to to to to to to to to to the to to to the to to the the to to the the the to make the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to bea.a.a. Iuucooome. Iucoe. Iucoe. I'm te.a. I'm teckeckeck. I'm their tipe. I'm their their their their the best decision for them. But they'll have the freedom to make that decision. Hold on a second. I'm talking about a boyfriend. Can I carry it back?

My mom is in my room. She wants to talk to me about something. Hold on, I pay back. Well, yes, but I don't think that the... I don't think that the decision, I think it should be... Not... I think that the family decision would become as how... Yes. Okay.

Oh my God, it does I hurt you. What are you bothering me? Oh you don't do this to me! It's, you know, when are you bothering me? Oh, you know, I don't do this to me! It's, you know, when you have like an alternative, what's the word I'm looking for? Alternative? A different choice? Choice, yes, exactly.

Every family, every person should have the choice to decide what's best for them. You know, the left, um, clamors for choice. We want to make choice. We want choice. And Sarah Palin's daughter has made a choice. Freedom of choice. That's different than being pro-choice. She's able to make the choice that she doesn't really want other people to have, right?

Does that make sense? These days when you hear about secession, you think of Texas. But Texas isn't alone. Secession is the big word for lawmakers in Long Island. Should Long Island become its own state? According to Long Island legislator Edward Romaine, the time for independence is now. Yes, the 51st state, Long Island. Long Island is paying more than $3 billion more than we're getting back in assistance from the state. Located just 10 miles from Manhattan,

or three and a half hours by car, Long Island's 3 million people have never felt connected to the rest of the state. Well, we're kind of an appendage to New York. We jut out east of New York into the Atlantic Ocean. How much longer can New York State continue to jerk this appendage off before it just explodes? Not much longer. We're going to succeed if we can.

We're going to stand up and say enough. Unfortunately, some people, like Long Island State Senator Carl Marcellino, insist on standing in the way of statehood. No, Long Island should not secede from the state of New York. You're a state senator from Long Island. I mean, if this secession happens, you could be a real senator. Senator Marcellino from the great state of Long, F. It's just not practical to do it. But can they afford not to do it?

The high taxes are forcing some people to vote with their feet. That is that the best and the brides are leaving Long Island. It's all relative though. I mean you are talking about the best and brightest of Long Island. The most important resource that we have are our people. They're inventive, they're intelligent. Yagerbaum! And these intelligent and inventive people think it's time. I'd most definitely like to see Long Island as its own state. You're a totally different group of people.

The Long Island's a melting pot. You got all these awesome Italian guys, beautiful Italian women, nice Italian food. You're not making it seem like a melting pot, you got all these awesome Italian guys, beautiful Italian women, nice Italian food. You're not making it seem like a melting pot, unless you're talking about a melting pot filled with bubbling marinaero sauce. What do you have to say to New Yorkers who say, good ridden? I say you. You guys still got the village.

Good luck with that one. Clearly, the first article of their state constitution is in place, but have they really thought things through? It's complicated. We would need to pay for the roads that are state roads. The first thing we do is pick a state capital. We would need to pay for the state parks, that a state parks. Picking a state food, it might be the flounder. Teacher's certifications would all have to be done differently. Picking a state bird, it might be the shegel.

The state bird should just be flipping the birds. All right. Welcome to Long Island. Car, car. Of course, secession could mean war. And that's something no one would want to see. Dearest Gina with dangerously low an axe body spray, and those suckers from NASA Piqua took all my free weights. By the way, that picture you took of me and my rim, it's fucking sick.

Give my love to your family, except your sister, she's a whore. Long Island's packing some serious balls. Go, we could beat up. What state could you beat up? And please don't say Rhode Island or Connecticut, because everybody knows those states are pussy states. You name, what do you got? Wyoming, Iowa? What do you think?

Say Ireland. I don't think that counts. Oh, states, I'm sorry. Other states? Other states? Other states? Other states? .

Canada? Okay, we have... Okay. Europe, okay. New Jersey. New Jersey's a first to go. Isn't that like beating up your conjoined twin, though? You're so genetically similar.

The people of Long Island have been oppressed for too long, and after spending time in their world and learning their customs. I started to share in their world and learning their customs, I started to share in the revolutionary spirit. First of all, I think they should call it Strong Island if they make it its own state. I mean, look at these guys. It's the gun show, baby. You got your tickets? Ooh, double guns. It makes me feel so vulnerable. Not really sure I'm capable of making good decisions right now.

Probably all that birth control I'm taking. It's making my mind fuzzy. I was drawn in by their noble cause and meticulous manscaping. Pow, pow, pow. the second thought, you know what? No. Streaming soon on Paramount Plus. This is Dr. Frazier Crane. I'm listening. He's back again. Hey, Dad, I got a question about punctuation.

Ooh! No, stay on task. And he's more Frazier than ever. How do I look? Rich. Just what I was going for. Oh my God, they traded your baby for wine. Do you really think we would trade John for white Zinfandel, or any wine? Frazier, new season streaming September 19th on Paramount Plus.

As a country, we've made enormous strides. And making sure that all Americans are treated equally under the law, but there are still groups that are suffering. Samantha B has more. Men, from time immemorial, they stood under the law, but there are still groups that are suffering. Samantha B. has more. Men, from time immemorial, they stood atop the world, building our civilizations, commanding our armies. They were gods walking among us, but now their time may be over. But the first time women are expected to outnumber men in the workforce. A new study finds increasing numbers of women outpacing their husbands when it comes to

income and education. And it's a crisis that troubles many, like sociologist and author of the myth of male power, Dr. Warren Farrell. It's a difficult time to be a man in America. In what sense exactly? Men today are probably where women were in the late 50s, we're about a half century behind women in terms of being understood in terms of having options.

How did this happen, baby cakes? We did a great job for women. We now just need to do the same for men. He's right. Men run just four, hundred and eighty-five of our Fortune 500 companies and only three branches of government. And there are more doors closing on them all the time. Almost all your pharmaceutical salespeople are young women and attractive women, because the pharmaceutical company knows that an attractive young female will be have much greater

access to a medical doctor who's on the on average still more likely to be a male. Oh that sucks for men except for the male doctor who gets to earn all that money and bang that hot new sales rep. Poor guy. It doesn't stop there. Even the nightly news long a bastion of the stately white male is now 66.7% female and the nightly news, long a bastion of the stately white male, is now 66.7% female, and the last male anchor is kind of effeminate. Fortunately, help is on the way, thanks to male support groups like the Better Man Organization, founder Wayne Levine.

For us, it's about being available to each other and giving the wisdom and the guidance and the support and the ass kicking, whatever it is we need to be the best men we can be. You know, so many of the problems that we face in our culture is because men are not getting what they need. What are men not getting? Well, in our culture, there's no place for men to gather. It's socially unacceptable for men to get together. Yes, it's a constant struggle to find places where men are allowed to be themselves.

Having never heard of Las Vegas, these disenfranchised men seek solace in the woods where they play games no-unliked in PE class. My wife is in charge. And complain about their wives. Mostly what they do is gather in circles, the sitting circle, the cleansing circle, and of course the most important circle of all. So what we got here is a wisdom circle with just a few men. And this is where a man will bring an issue that needs to be addressed. When does everybody start masturbating? They were coming here with one purpose, to reclaim their manhood. Hey! Our dinner's right over here! What are you waiting for?

Do I have to do this by myself? Do I have to do this by myself? Sadly, the inequalities holding men back begin as early as high school. Almost every high school has a football team. Almost every football team has cheerleaders. And it's very rare that the cheerleader says something like, gee, you know, I noticed you lost your position on the team, so I'd like to continue cheering for you because you were very sensitive and loving and very caring., and very, and very, and very, and very, and very, and very, and very, and very, and very, and very, and very, and very, and very, and very, and very to, and very to, and very to, and very toe., toe. And very toe. And very toe. And, toea, toea, toea, toea, toeaughing, toeaughing, toeaughing, toeaughing, toeaughing, theiriaughing, toeaughing, toeaeaea..a.a.a.a.aeaea.aea, toeaeaeaea.a, toeaea.a, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, thea.a, tha, tha, their, toea, toea, toea, theira, sadly, toea, sadly, theira, sadly, theiriia, theirteam, so I'd like to continue cheering for you because you were very sensitive and very loving and very caring and very listening.

You don't ever see that happening. So we need to give our son's permission to be puss wads. That's, yes, some type of term like that. Something Puss related. And of course, the key to uplifting any oppressed group is to give them a voice. This is a time of day where we bring out the talking stick. It's a time where you can speak from the heart, listen from the heart, and share whatever's on your mind. Finally, it was my opportunity to offer advice to my fallen brothers.

Actually, you know, I actually brought my own tool. Attention, middle-aged vagina men. Sack the f-f-up. Seriously, you're turning me into a lesbian. Last week, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta made military history when he lifted the ban on women serving in combat. Immediately, objections were raised. There is a difference in the physicality of women and men. It's a terrible idea. You're going to have the sex assault problems.

People are going to die. Author and military expert Kingsley Brown. Women in combat positions are a People are going to die. Author and military expert Kingsley Brown. Women in combat positions are a threat to military cohesion. It's not clear that men can actually bond with women the way they bond with other men. So women can disrupt romance in combat zones. Almost by definition. Who are these fatigue hags jeopardizing all that military brohesion? Meet Marine Corps Captain Zoe Badell, a plaintiff in a lawsuit to lift the ban on women in combat.

I think it's about time that women are allowed to serve in all roles. Why do you want to be the one to break up the band of brothers? Don't be the Yoko. Unit confusion is based around common mission and being held to standards, and that is absolutely achievable with women in the unit. We spoke to an expert in workplace discrimination. Do you want to know what he said? Sure.

Pick a number from one to four. Two? One, two. Okay, pick. But it turns out, Kingsley had a lot more to to to to to to to too? the too? too, the too, too, the too, the too, the too, tho, the tho, thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, the the tho, the thi, the thi, thi, tho, the tho, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thean, tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome, thoooooom. tholey had a lot more to say. You have one or two women added to the group, and now everybody's vying for their attention. So women are distracting. They are distracting. What if the woman is not heterosexual? I don't think that it matters. They're still going to try to hit that.

I'd love to take out that insurgent, but check out the getaway sticks on major turnball over here. Boy-o-yo, boy-yo, boy-yo, boy-y-oh-y-y-yeah. That's really not a funny thing because a sexual harassment charge is taken very seriously. It ruins careers. Really? Right. Sexual harassment ruins men's careers. There you are at the front lines, looking so cute near a camel, and someone comes up and sexually assaults you. Aren't you gonna feel guilty for wrecking that guy's career? Not even a little bit.

Woof! Getting a lot of blowback here. Do you want to reschedule this interview for when you're not having your period? Sounds like Zoe just doesn't get how women screw up the dynamics of actual combat. There have been over 280,000 women who have already served in Iraq and Afghanistan over the last decade. Over 130 women have already died in these wars. In modern warfare, the lines are blurred if they exist at all between what the front lines are and what is a safe zone. Do they even call it the front lines anymore? They do not.

Oh, what did they call it? Afghanistan. Women are being shot at, but the military's of a military to'er. their chances for promotion. For example, Mary Jennings Hagar is a helicopter pilot. Zoe dished the dates on her military gal pals. Staff Sergeant Jennifer Hunt was on a convoy. Apparently, there are already tons of female soldiers totally kicking ass in combat zones. Meehan Hester received a silver star for her actions under fire.

You go girl, You go girl. How do you even have girl talk in Afghanistan? Your ice-driven model. Let's do a little role play. I'll be a woman who served her country bravely in UBU. My name is Major Mary Jennings Hager. My exchange ground fire after my helicopter would shut down. You weren't in the infantry. You weren't taking the fight with a hundred pound pack. exchanged ground fire after my helicopter would shut down.

You weren't in the infantry, you weren't taking the fight with a hundred pound pack. I've got a purple fucking heart. I'd sincerely say thank you for your service. But that doesn't mean that you should serve in combat. That's a great point, except that women are already there, mother-f- See, in my world, women have already been serving in combat for two wars, but Kingsley is living in a simpler time. Men join the infantry because they want to fight.

Sorry, excuse me for one second. Okay, okay. That's much better. Sorry. Girls become women by getting older. Boys become men by accomplishing something, by proving something. Okay, have you ever actually met a woman before? Several. Um, a woman who did not want to strangle you? What would you like to say to all the people out there who really are stuck in another era and really just think that women don't belong in combat zones at all.

Well the good news is I don't actually have to say anything because the evidence is on my side. Women have been doing this for 10 years and eventually those guys are going to die off and we'll just keep doing our thing. Well said. I guess there's only one thing left to do. The lift is up where we come. this is up. I'm on.

this is Dr. Frazier Crane. I'm listening. He's back again. Hey, dad, I got a question about punctuation. Ooh. No, stay on ount Plus. This is Dr. Frazier Crane. I'm listening. He's back again. Hey, dad, I got a question about punctuation. Ooh. No, stay on task. And he's more Frazier than ever. How do I look? Rich.

Just what I was going for. Oh my God, they traded your baby for wine. Do you really think streaming September 19th on Paramount Plus. For more on how solo contrition becomes an apology for two, I'm joined by Samantha B. Samantha, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Samantha. Yes. We have seen this time and time again.

A bad actor with his supportive spouse by his side. You know, if there's one business event your spouse should probably be excused from, it's the one where you explain how you've betrayed them. I mean, what does someone even wear for that? Does this skirt make my ass look humiliated? It is mind-blowing. They always have their wife by their side. It seems like cruelty piled upon cruelty.

Yes, exactly. If anything, let the hooker stand up there. She's the one everyone wants to see, ladies, am I right? Please. Well now, Sam, that's a good point. There are rumors though that the governor is negotiating his resignation. What are your sources telling you about that? Uh, I don't, I don't really know. I haven't been really paying any attention, so. So... really paying any attention. So. I asked you to cover this last night to get there. Yeah, I know. I was out, so I didn't really do that.

What do you mean you were out? Yeah, at a club. Like a private club. I'm sorry, just hold on a second. Babe, get on. Awesome. Awesome. Just... Hmm. John, I need to make a brief statement.

Last night I engaged in activities that failed to live up to the high standards I set for myself as a wife. I was with a man, men, a group of men. Maybe a lady or two I don't really remember, definitely though several men. It was a betrayal of my marriage even if it left me satisfied in a way to the way lady or two, I don't really remember, definitely though, several men. It was a betrayal of my marriage, even if it left me satisfied in a way my husband, who you see next to me, never has. Sam, this is not an appropriate form to... No, no, no, please, I owe it to Jason, whom I love more than life itself, mostly as a friend.

To confess, to confess my infidelity, my breaking of his heart to the entire world. I also apologize to our daughter. I think our, definitely mine. I am sure. Yes. Yes. Sam, are you saying you've also been involved in... Please, John, no more questions, okay? This is not the time. Okay, hug me.

Hug me, Jason. Okay, now don't try to kiss me. Just don't try to kiss me. Now we're going to walk out together. Okay. Hold my hand and need you more than ever ass. too. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

This has been a comedy central podcast. Survivor 47 is here which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official survivor podcast on fire and this season we are joined by fan favorite and survivor 46 runner-up Charlie Davis to bring you even further inside the action. Charlie I'm excited to do this together. Thanks Jeff. So excited to be here and I can't wait to bring you inside further inside the action. Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here, and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire, the official Survivor podcast starting September 18th, wherever you get

your podcasts.