The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Cruz Control: The Ted Cruz Files

Episode Date: July 26, 2023

Who is Ted Cruz? Texas Senatior, former Presidential hopeful, and Cancun vacation taker. Find out why even Ted Cruz's own Republican party can't stand him and how Ted Cruz got to be Ted Cruz.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. March 4th, 2016.

Let's cut waste fraud and abuse. It's easy to say it. Establishment Republican candidates were making their last stand against us. Let's cut the and abuse. It's easy to say it. Establishment Republican candidates were making their last stand against Donald Trump. And Senator Ted Cruz of Texas had a gross booger hanging on his lip. And then he ate it, as if none of us could see. This is Ted Cruz, the booger on the lip of democracy. Raphael Edward Cruz was born in Canada to an American woman and a former Cuban

Revolutionary. When Ted was four, the Cruz is relocated to Texas. Houston, we have a problem. Where his youthful ambition was the same as any higher order lizard, sex and domination. Well, my aspiration is to, uh, oh, I don't know, being a tint-tit film like that guy who played Horatio. You know, he was in Malibu Bikini Beach shop? Well, other than that, uh, take over the world, world domination. Yes, young Ted Cruz was obsessed with boobs and power. Two things he would struggle to get his hands on for the rest of his life. From there, it was on to Princeton University, where he befriended Craig Mason, who as

a creator of the HBO series Chernobyl is familiar with toxic disasters. Ted Cruz was my roommate. I did not like him at all in college. I want to be clear, because, you know, Ted Cruz is a nightmare of a human being. I have plenty of problems with his politics, but truthly, his personality is so awful that 99% of why I hate him is just his personality. Awful, awful, awful person. Yeah, he's awful. Ted Cruz was so awful, this professional screenwriter could think of no other word to describe him. That's impressive.

After graduating from Harvard Law School, Ted finally found someone who didn't hate him, which left him no choice but to marry her. We got back from our honeymoon and he went off to the store and came home by himself and he arrived back at our apartment with literally 100 cans of Campbell's chunky soup. And I said, you don't buy 100 of anything, much less canned soup. We'll, you know, we can't do this. I'll be making things.

And he said, no, I know you, you won't be making things. And then, because there was no room for both soup and a wife, Ted and Heidi lived apart for seven years. Cruz used that time to rise through the legal ranks, arguing eight cases before the Supreme Court where he championed the rights of mentally ill prisoners to be executed by the state. But his most famous case was a passionate defense of one unusual Texas law. Cruz, as Texas Solicitor General once defended a ban on the sale of sex toys. That's right, in a show of selfless devotion to the law, the law, the law, the law, the law, the law, the law, the law, the law, the law, the law, the law, the law, the law, the law, the law, the the the the the the the the the to, to, th.. tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, and, and, and, the, and, the, and, and, the, and, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, te, their, their, te.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e. te.e.e. te. te. te. te. itor General once defended a ban on the sale of sex toys. That's right, in a show of selfless devotion to the law, Ted Cruz defended a ban on sex toys even though he himself is a complete dildo. In 2012, Cruz burst onto the national stage as a Senate and darling at the Tea Party.

Once elected, he put his mark on the Senate by filibustering Obamacare while showing off his first grade reading ability. Do you like green eggs and ham? I do not like them, Sam I am. I do not like green eggs and ham. What a treat to hear Dr. Seuss read by a Dr. Seuss character. To achieve his dreams of world domination, Ted knew he would need to leave an impression,

and he left impressions everywhere. Hmm, there is no try. Do or do not. The force is strong with this one. Nonstop. Hidely ho, neighbor. Just a never-ending parade of barely recognizable voices. Liar! Shut up witch, I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. Even though he couldn't really do any of them.

In the immortal words of William Wallace, freedom! With charisma like that, there was only one thing for Cruz to do. I am announcing that I'm running for president of the United States. I was hiked, he was light in the back, baggling. Took a mic, no rights, had them right tracks. Soon, Ted was cruising toward victory. He had key endorsements. I've looked at the candidates.

Ted Cruz is my man. A supportive family. Not a day goes by that my mom is not lifting me up in prayer. That's true. For hours, ahead of time. And fresh ideas. Of course in Texas, we cook bacon a Mmm, any hunter can track and shoot an animal, but it takes a true outdoorsman to use a gun on meat he already bought at the store. That's just how unlikable Ted Cruz is.

He actually found a way to turn people off of bacon. But despite having the meticulous planning skills and foresight, that's just coincidentally the whole mark of a serial killer, Ted Cruz failed to anticipate Donald Trump. Ted Cruz, he's a absolute disgusting liar. He is like a little baby. Soft, weak little baby. This guy's a liar. Lying Ted. Lying Ted. Lies. Oh, he lied. Donald Trump called his wife ugly and said his father was implicated in the conspiracy to kill JFK. At first Ted took the high road, swallowing his pride and a few boogers along the way. But finally, he had had enough. Cruz got on stage at the RNC and he did not endorse Donald Trump.

Vote your conscience. That pledge was not a blanket commitment that if you go and slander and attack Heidi, that I'm going to nonetheless come like a servile puppy dog and say thank you very much for maligning my wife and maligning my father. The gauntlet had been thrown. No longer would Ted Cruz cater to Donald Trump's every win. He drew a line in the sand, and, oh, hold on, I'm getting a call. Hi, this is Ted Cruz caullain. I was calling to encourage you to come out and vote on election. Oh, Ted, with nothing left to do, Cruz headed back to the Senate, where he reclaimed his position as the most hated

guy in the office. If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convict you. I probably like Ted Cruz more than most of my colleagues like Ted Cruz, and I hate Ted Cruz. He's just a toxic co-worker. He's the guy that microwaves fish. There is nothing more dangerous than a reckless asshole who thinks he's smarter than everyone else.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Ted Cruz. I'm beginning to understand why Ted Cruz has been hated by everyone, every place he's ever been from kindergarten to the United States Senate. I am not endorsing Ted Cruz, I hate take Cruz, and I think I'll take Cyunite if he ever got the nomination. God damn! Even people who don't know if mass shootings are bad thinks Ted Cruz fucking sucks. Chasen by this reception, Ted got to work rehabilitating his image. He began doing relatable stuff like accidentally posting milf porn on the anniversary of 9-11 and encouraging an

insurrection against the government. We will not go quietly into the night. Look here look Ted Cruz's objection to the Arizona objection he was going to sell us out all along. Really? Look, objection to counting electoral votes on the state of Arizona. Wait, no, that's okay. All right, all right, all right,

he's waiting. He's waiting us. Oh no. Ted Cruz is so hateable that for a moment, even his biggest fans hated him by accident. But once the dust settled and the Magamob reluctantly decided not to murder him, Ted and his family headed back home to Texas to let things cool down in Washington. Unfortunately, things cooled down even more in Texas.

As Texans wait for a thaw and power to their homes, Senator Ted Cruz is facing backlash. After an alleged fellow passenger tweeted out this photo, appearing to show Cruz on a flight to Cancun. He first blamed the trip on his kids. That turned out to be a lie. The 24-hour trip to Cancun radically shifted America's view of Ted Cruz from a giant, unlikable asshole to... Actually, it didn't shift the view of him at all. But these are just small bumps on the road to his ultimate goal, world domination.

To Ted Cruz, the earth is a mere booger dancing on his lips. Tantalizing, mesmerizing, repulsive, waiting until the day he can swallow us whole and hope that no one saw it. So the Republican Party's new it girl is freshman Texas Senator Ted Cruz. And those who've been following him and his story know him as the radical conservative, budget slashing, anti-immigrant climate denier, who shut down the government over Obamacare while opposing expanded background checks for guns or to sum it up. Hmm, machine gun bacon. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. That bacon is definitely from a human. So, for Ted Cruz to have risen so fast from freshman senator to presidential contender means that people must really love this guy. He is probably one of the most hated people in the Senate. Both Democrats and Republicans do not like this guy. He is probably one of the most hated people in the Senate. Both Democrats and Republicans do not like this guy. He's been called a fraud and a wacko, and that's by some of his own Republican colleagues.

Establishment Republicans loath him. In the Bush campaign in 2000, he was despised by his colleagues. They hate him as they have hated no senator before him. What a description. They hate him as they have hated no senator before him. That's right, they hate him. A lot of senators consider him the worst Cruz, and that includes the poop cruise. I don't get it. Everyone who knows Ted Cruz seems to hate him. But every leaf deserves a chance to turn.

So speak, Ted Cruz, speak. The Obama administration will become quite literally the world's leading financier of radical Islamic terrorism. Stop that train wreck, that disaster, that nightmare that is Obamacare. Here's the simple and undeniable fact. The overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats. This guy's real. And what he said is actually a lie.

The overwhelming majority of ex-cons don't register to vote. They break in at night and cost their votes where no one is looking. The overwhelming majority of ex-cons don't register to vote. They break in at night and cast their votes when no one is looking. You know what, Ted Cruz reminds me of Pepe le Peepeu, the skunk. Because even when he thinks he's being charming, he's just being even more creepy. For instance, the other day when Cruz was asked if he believed that woman should have access to birth control, this is what he said. As I noted, Heidi and I, we have two little girls. I'm very glad we don't have 17. So now that's in your head?

Anybody who wants contraceptives can access them. Last I checked, we don't have a rubber shortage in America. Like, when I was in college, we had a machine in the bathroom, you put 50 cents in and... Wala! Well, it wasn't so much a machine as a hole in the wall, but you'd put your 50 cents in and then your penis and then, well, the point is, Cristen was crazy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, and by the way, I'm going to call bullshit on that.

Ted Cruz says he's not anti-contraception, but he did try to defund Planned Parenthood, where a lot of people not in men's bathrooms get their birth control. Plus, he tried to make it harder for insurance to cover contraception, and he supports a constitutional amendment that could ban IUDs and possibly the pill too. But, you know what, rubber rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber, rubber, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to to to to to to to to too, too, too, tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, too, too, too, the, IUDs and possibly the pill too. But you know what? Rubber is a funny word. I'll give him that. I'll give him that. You know what, maybe Ted Cruz is the leader that America needs. I mean, he's the first person in recent memory who's been able to unite people of both parties in their hatred of him. And maybe, just maybe for that reason, we might all grow to love him. But probably

not. When the presidential race kicked off, Trump and Republican Senator Ted Cruz were like Amber Rose's finger in Kanye West's butthole. Super types. Oh, I'm a big fan of Donald Trump's. Ted Cruz is a friend of mine and a good guy. I like Donald Trump. He's bold, he's brash. Well, that is a little bit of a romance. I like him. He likes me. Geez, you too, get a room. Yeah. Just not this room, please. Any other room. Any other room. The journey from BFF to Friend of Me began for these two when Cruz started to challenge Donald Trump in the polls. And now, with five days before the Iowa caucus, it's turning into an all-out war. Donald is a fragile soul.

Cruz, who is a nasty guy who can't get along with anybody. If you're afraid of Megan Kelly, you're going to be afraid of Vladimir Putin. Senators don't like him. Whoa, ease up guys. You're both horrible. You need to save some of that energy. Save some of that energy for hating Mexicans and Muslims. Come on.

You know, now, usually in campaigns, the top candidates draw supporters from inside their party, you know, but this is what's happening in this campaign. It's strange. Because some Republicans aren't saying that they like Ted Cruz. They're just saying that they hate Donald Trump. And other Republicans aren't saying that they like Donald Trump. They're just saying that they hate Ted Cruz. For example, Ted Cruz. Anyone who's ever worked with Ted Cruz or lived with Ted Cruz or like Ted Cruz. Wall Street Journal ran skating in it toll against Cruz by calling him a phony.

Bob Dole called Cruz an extremist. Arn Hatch, Dan Coates, and John Cornyn, saying a Cruz's presidency would be detrimental to the country. And those are his friends. Everybody hates Cruz. It's so bad that when the Pope visited Congress, he was there like, Peace be with you. Peace be with you.

Ah, Ted. Go to hell, shit bag. And peace be with you. And peace be with you. On the other side of the coin. Conservative thought leaders like Rick Perry, Glenn Beck, and the National Review, well, they just hate Donald Trump. Trump is not a committed conservative. Donald Trump, I really truly believe, is a very dangerous man.

The National Review came out against Trump featuring 22 conservative voices. They wrote, quote, Donald Trump is a menace to American conservatism who would take the work of generations and trample it underfoot. Made it sound like conservatism is gonna be like grapes and Donald Trump says gonna be dancing on it. What's impressive is they got 22 negative essays about Trump in one magazine.

That's really good. I mean, cosmopolitan can't even fit that many mind-blowing sex moves into one magazine. Yeah, they top out at 21, they do. And technically, two are the same thing, just different hands. I feel bad for the Republicans. I mean, having to pick between these two, you know, but all the other candidates are so far below them that it doesn't seem like anyone has a choice. Donald Trump and Ted Cruz continue to dominate the GOP race.

and the the the the the to the to the to the their th an th an th an th an the GOP race. Some in the Republican establishment are not happy with the two front runners. Having to choose between being shot or being poisoned. Are they warming to Trump because they can kill Cruz and they think, well, we'll kill Trump later. This is almost like a political game of fuck Mary kill. It's just there's no Mary. You just kill one and get by the other. For more, we turn to our panelists, senior political analysts, Jordan Klepper and Hassan Menage, everybody.

Gentlemen, thank you so much for joining me. So, the big question is, who would you rather have as president, Donald Trump or Ted Cruz? The Trump is worse. He's a loose cannon, no idea when he'll go off or what he'll destroy. I gotta disagree with you, Jordan. Cruz is pure evil.

In his first 30 days, he would systematically destroy everything we hold dear. I say Trump is less bad. Okay, I disagree. Hassan, I'm sure Ted Cruz will eventually destroy the country, no doubt. But for me, having Donald Trump in the white house is like living with a blood clot. Any moment he could break loose and kill you instantly. Or, or a blood clot might never kill you. Whereas Cruz is like bone cancer, 100% fatal. Okay, well, at least with cancer, you know it's coming.

I mean, that's the upside to a Cruz presidency. We'll all be able to get our affairs in order just before our inevitable deaths. I hadn't thought of that. That's a good point. Cruz 2016. Wow. Okay, so then Hassan, you now agree that Trump is the worst of the two? Oh, Jordan is right. Trump is just too unpredictable. You can't give a guy like that nuclear weapons. Yeah. I mean, President Ted Cruz is definitely going to nuke somebody. But at least we know it'll be another country. You know, Trump, I mean, Trump might nuke America because some guy in Idaho made fun of him in a tweet. Well, at least Ted Cruz has some core principles. Yeah, Hassan, you say principles, although given what those principles are, I mean, head trigger government shutdowns, climate change

denial. Well, I'm okay. That is a good point. Ted Cruz does represent the very worst of humanity. He is the reason I have yet to bring a child into this world. Yes. Ted Cruz is a political vasectomy. So, Trump 2016. You know what?

I'm actually changing my mind again because Trump is like the joker, pure chaos. atruse. Joker, pure chaos, at least, you know, Cruz is focused and methodical. Okay, oh yeah, so Cruz is more like Buffalo Bill from Silence on the Left. Oh yeah, plus you definitely know Cruz tucs his penis between his legs. Definitely. So I'm gonna change back. I say Trump 2016. I'm sorry, guys, you're all over the place. So Hassan, you would put Donald J. Trump in charge of the US military. Oh no, I wouldn't even trust Trump with sharp objects. If he ever came to my house over for steak,

I would make him use a spoon. Well, Hassan, that's unrealistic. He wouldn't come to your house because he hates brown people. Yeah. Trump's right. Brown people make terrible stakes. No, Jordan, that's not the point. Jordan, that's not the point. Jordan. Jordan. Jordan. Jordan. Jordan. That's. Jordan. That's. that's. Jordan. that's that's that's not. that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's that's that's. that's. that's. that's not. Jordan. Jordan. that's that's. that's that's that's not. that's not. that's that's that's that's that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's not. that's not. that's not. that's not. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. that's not. that's not that's not th. that's not. that's not. that's that's point. When do you get these stereotypes? What? That's a stereotype. Stereotypes come from some place. No, they don't come from...

That's not the point. I make great stakes. I make amazing sticks. You make amazing sticks. You're not great. I'm sorry. People don't want to make your ste. Personally, I'm for bone cancer. So you're picking Ted Cruz? No, I want to get actual bone cancer.

He makes a great point. I hope to perish before the election as well. I guess that makes sense. Jordan Klepp and Assarn Menajeevah, everyone. We'll be right back. You know, every day we're reminded of how terrible it would be to be ruled over by a self-financed melting jackalant. And Republican leaders know this better than anyone. The only problem is that the candidate with the best chance of beating Trump is this guy. Look at Ted Cruz. He's now 53% unfavorability. That is the highest unfavorability that he has seen throughout this campaign.

He is growing more unpopular by the day. Yeah. And it's been this way his entire life. In fact, in fact, when Ted Cruz was born, he was voted the worst baby in the maternity war. There was, there was just something insincere about the way he breastfed. It was just like a... But the big question is, why do people hate Ted Cruz so much? And the truth is, there's a multitude of reasons. I mean, it could be because he paints gun control measures as a plot to steal everyone's guns while they sleep? Or maybe they hate him because he wants special patrols for Muslim neighborhoods.

Or maybe it's because he supports an abortion ban with no exception for rape or incest, or maybe it's because he's the Zodiac killer. You never know what it could be. Now, Ted Cruz knows how much people don't like him. Which is why last night, he decided to participate in a CNN town hall to show his personal side. And naturally, this made things worse. The godfather, actually all three of the godfather's, I love those. You like the third godfather?

I am an odd, I've never met anyone who liked the third godfather. I will admit it in public. Everyone else hated it, I actually thought it was a wonderful combination. Really? Godfather 3? The movie Everyone Agree is the worst Godfather? The credits from the second Godfather 3.

Saying you like Godfather 3 is like saying, you know what my favorite part of sex is? The part where you take off the condom and flush it down the toilet. Mmm, mm-mm. It's what sex is all about. Well, you know what Ted Cruz? It's not only his bad taste in movies that make him unlikable. He's also a liar. In fact, he lies so much that even his eight-year-old daughter is sick of it. Just watch in this clip how she called him out last night. They have karaoke machines they got for Christmas.

They both have matching karaoke machines and it is a little frightening with the two of them singing Taylor Swift together. It is amazing. We don't sing together. That's true. We don't sing together, dad. Lie all you want about Mexicans, but don't drag my karaoke shit into this. Why don't they get hurt to moderate the debates?

Why don't they get hurt to moderate the debates? No, just look how she shut him down. He even hung and she was just like, that is not what happened and he went, that's true. I've never seen Ted Cruz. So, as Ted Cruz approaches a possible nomination, a lot of Americans are grappling daily with the idea of what it would be like to live with Ted Cruz as president. And what may be the most alarming clue comes from the person who knows more than most. When I married Ted, we got back from our honeymoon,

and he went off to the store and came home by himself, and I was completely shocked to see that he arrived back at our apartment with literally a hundred cans of Campbell's chunky soup. Who is this man? One hundred cans of soup. Ted Cruz went out to the store and bought 100 cans of soup. I don't think you understand. I don't think you understand. I don't think you understand. I don't think, I don't think you understand.

This, this is 100 cans of soup. I can hide behind the soup. This is so creepy. Just think about this. The first thing you do after your honeymoon is you buy a carload of chunky soup. What happened on the honeymoon? And why does anybody buy this much soup? What are you taking a bath in it? What are you doing with this much soup? How do you even keep a straight face while checking out? Like, you're at the checkout counter. And you know what, I bet Ted Cruz is the kind of guy who'd go to the 10 items or less line and try and justify it. I could see him standing and he's like, well, actually now now, thi thi now, thi now, thi now, tho, th tho, th tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thu, thu, thu thu thu thu thu thu th, thu th, th, th, th, th, th. th, th, th. th th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thi, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thii thi thii thi thi thi thi thi, well, actually, now you gotta understand that this here is one soup, it's only one item. Even though there are a hundred of them, it is the same soup under God's eye.

Like, I'm sorry, but, but buying this much soup at one time is disqualified. Anyone who thinks it's acceptable to buy this much soup at the same time cannot be president. Ted Cruz, you have to choose to choose to choose to choose the to choose the the to choose, the to the the the the nuclear codes or you can have the soup, but you definitely cannot have both. We'll be right back. The shit is ridiculous. Texas, where half a million residents were still without power today, and more than 200,000 were without clean water because treatment plants are failing and pipes are bursting. Texans have been lining up for clean water from public spigots, boiling their own,

or even trying to melt snow. Yeah, melting snow for clean water. I mean, you know that the infrastructure is screwed when your best option for water is to mug a snowman. But the saddest part is that these people are the lucky ones. Because it turns out one poor Texan had to travel 800 miles just to get heat, water, and electricity. Senator Ted Cruz, he is now facing a whole lot of questions after he was spotted on a plane traveling to Cancun Mexico in the midst of this unfolding crisis in his home state

of Texas. If you go on social media, you will see social media users posting multiple pictures of the senator and his family in the Houston airport waiting to board their flight. Dead crews! No, man, you gotta be shitting me, dude. Your people are literally eating snow right now, and you're jetting off to Cancun? I'm not even mad that you were so stupid. How can you be in politics for 10 years and still have the the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thiol- thiol-a thiole and still have thiol-a' thiol-a' thiol-aullifl-aull-a' thiol-a' thiol-a' thioll-a thi their thi their their their their th. thi thi thi th. thi th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi thi, thi, thi thi' thi' thi' thi' thi' thi' thiolanananananananananan thiolan thoan thoan thiol' thioli mad that you were selfish. I'm mad that you were so stupid. How can you be in politics for 10 years and still have no idea how bad this would make

you look? What were you thinking? I know my people are freezing and hungry right now. So what they need is a photo of my beach barred. Because if they see me in a speedo, their eyes will burst into flames and their their their their their, and their, and their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, ty. And, ty. And, ty. And, ty's is is tean. And, tean, tean. And, tean. And, ty's is tean. And, te. And, the whole family can warm their hands over those flames. I mean look, I get that Ted Cruz is tired. You know, the man deserves a break off to trying so hard to overthrow the government, but this is not the time, Ted! When your constituents said they need clean water, they didn't mean go find a wet t-shirt

contest in Cancun. I mean, seeing Ted Cruz skip to to tipsesesesesesesesese towse the the towse the tip the tip tip their their tip their tip their te te is te is their te is te te te te- te- te, their their te- teateateate, te, te, te, te, te, te, te, te, te, te, te, te, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their te, their te, te, te, te, te. te-s. te-s. te-s. te-s. te-s. te-s. te-c-c-c-up Cruz skip town for the beach has been very frustrating for the people in Texas. But on the other hand it has been really exciting for all the people in Cancun who got to meet him on the street. Wow I didn't know that Senior Frog was a real guy. That was awesome. And what's even worse is that when he got caught, instead of owning up to it and apologizing, he acted like a total Ted Cruz. Breaking right now, an update on the reports that Texas Senator Ted Cruz took a trip to Cancun as the state was dealing with massive power outages, something that had many of you

upset online. The statement from Cruz saying in part, with school canceled for the week, our girls asked to take a trip with their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, asked to take a trip with friends wanting to be a good dad. I flew down with them last night and I'm flying back this afternoon. Oh, I see. We all got this thing wrong. Ted Cruz wasn't going on vacation, people. He was just chaperoning his girls on the flight to Cancun. So in some way, this was like a reverse taken. I want you to know that I'm th I'm tha I'm the the the the the the the the the their their their to to to to their to to to the I want you to know that I'm a man with absolutely no skills whatsoever and I'm gonna safely accompany my daughters on this

trip. Seriously Ted Cruz blaming his daughters for this is just gross. Being a good father means putting them on a bus not throwing them under one. Although to be fair maybe Ted Cruz just doesn't know what a good dad is. I mean his dad killed JFK. Oh. I mean, his dad killed JFK. Phew. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Hey everybody, John Stewart here.

I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show. It's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about. All the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election, economics, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches and I know that I listed that fourth but in importance it's probably second. I know you have a listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second.

I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast.