The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Desi Lydic Fox-Splains Everything

Episode Date: May 29, 2021

After countless hours spent binging Fox News, Desi Lydic rants about the notion of racism in America, President Biden's breathtaking scandals, the horrors of cancel culture and more. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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You're rolling. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. debate about whether America's a racist country. Biden wants us to unite behind the idea that America is a racist country. Many on the left believe that America is an evil racist country. That's the messaging at this point. The American people are racist.

That is a lie. Absolutely absurd, liberals. Would a racist country have a black history month? Well to watching Fox News for 358 hours straight, and I'm ready to do some Fox-playing. Show me in the history books where America has been racist. Okay, not the first 98% of the book, but the end of the book, near the glossary. I'll tell you what's racist. How come there's never been a white woman on the cover of Oprah's magazine?

How can America be racist if it was the liberals who fired a hard-working black woman, th, th bottle. This is the country of African-American legends. Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, Naplemore. If our country is racist, how do you explain that I have been kicked out of Whole Foods more than any black person ever has? And I'll tell you what, the most racist people are the Democrats like Joe Biden who want to start teaching critical race theory in our beautiful public schools. Critical race theory is not appropriate for our kids to learn. Teaching kids to hate their country and to hate each other. This revisionist, woke curriculum, you are not going to do this to our children. Now you might be wondering what is critical race theory? All I know is we cannot have critical race theory in our schools.

Hey, Wolf, stop canceling things that you don't agree with and start canceling things that I don't agree with. Like the 1619 project. When you take the 6 out of the 1619, what have you got? 911? We need to get back to the traditional school subjects, math, rivers, books that aren't about wizards, and of course the nice things that Christopher Columbus did. Instead, our children are being brainwashed with this racist, anti-racist critical race theory.

Is it just me or should our children not be learning any theory at all? Hey Einstein, get back to me when you figure out the facts of relativity. Think about it. Why do our kids have nap time? So the teachers can woke them up. Ha! I don't think so, Principal Kaepernick. While the other kids are napping, my child will be reciting the Pledge of Allegiance for 20 minutes straight. No blinking. Woke history, healthy lunches,

sober PTA meetings. Where does it end? I'll tell you where? With your child getting accepted to be brain Just like everything, you have to ask yourself, who stands to benefit from this? Huh? Who stands to benefit from the end of racism? Black people. So, there you go. So I say thank you to the brave Republicans who are not afraid to stand up to the Democrats and proclaim that America is not a racist country. Because otherwise, our kids are going to be learning this from the Looney left the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th. Who th. Who th. Who th. Who th. Who th. Who th. Who th. Who th. Who th. Who thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi to to the to to to to to to to to the to to to the to to to the to to to the to the the the our kids are going to be learning this from the loony left. I don't think America is racist. No I don't think America is a racist country. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a

haystack. You might get a lot of resumes but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruiter's smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, Zip Recruiters' powerful matching technology starts showing you qualified qualified people for it. And you can use Zip Recruiter's pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out

to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address.ziprecruiter.com slash zip. Again, that's Zip Recruiter.com slash zip. Recruiter. The smartest way to hire. President Joe Biden has been in office for two months and has already racked up an astounding 37,658 scandals. Why is Joe Biden still wearing a mask? He's been vaccinated.

He can't discuss our policy in the Pacific without reading notes that his handlers gave to him. The Biden White House has erased, literally erased, Dr. Seuss. Red States firing back after accusing them of meanderthal thinking. Biden's affection is totally real. It's in no way part of a slick PR campaign devised by cynical consultants determined to hide the president's senility.

Unfortunately, the comma, lame stream media isn't picking any of this up. Well, I've been watching Fox News for 153 hours straight so I can give you the low down on what's already considered to be the most corrupt presidency in the history wearing that tan suit was disgraceful and Jesus knows I did, wait do you get a load of this. Let's take stock of Joe Biden's America. Dr. Seuss illegal. Dr. Fauci promoted. Dr. Shoal's so comfy. Dr. Quinn Medicine woman hasn't been on TV since 1998.

Is this the country we want to leave to our strange children? We got shrimp in our cereal but eating steak is banned? Fourth of July is canceled but AOC's birthday is a day off? If you're not angry, get angry. I'm angry 24-7 and I've never been happier! Joe Biden tripped walking up the stairs on Air Force One, not a single impeachment hearing. Does the 38th Amendment not matter anymore? It's a false flag people. Guess what? Biden refuses to lower that flag to half-mast. He doesn't the the the the the th doesn doesn doesn doesn doesn doesn doesn doesn doesn doesn doesn doesn doesn doesn't th th th th th th the flag th th th the flagfied th th th f f f f f f f f f f. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to to to to to to to toe to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. theea. thea. toeea. toea. toee. thea't know who he is. He won't talk to the press. His dog major, Vitha Johnson, straight off of Dr. Seuss. Cancel him right in the go-nets. Not one single story on CNN.

Here's a fact grenade you won't read in the New York slimes. Joe Biden's dog is now the schools, Joe! If my children are going to learn the Wob choreography, they're not going to do it over Zoom. Joe Biden goes to Delaware every weekend. And get this, Delaware doesn't even have a Marlago. Days in office, 63. Number of times Biden has done an hour-long interview with Sho their the loves a deranged pillow salesman? Zero.

Joe Biden knows exactly what he's doing. Also, he has no idea what he's doing. Think about it, but not too hard. Thinking is illegal unless it's woke. Joe Biden isn't the president. Kamalaala'a is the president, and do you know who that the president? Do you know who that makes the American people? I'd be in jail right now if Kamalalaland Harris hadn't defunded the police. Goodbye, Green Eggs in Hand, Hello, Green New Deal.

Goodbye, cat and a hat, hello, cat in a mask. Go the places you'll go. Joe Biden won't do a press conference. He hates the media. How sick is that? I hate the media. My God. Do I love Joe Biden? Oh! Oh! Oh, f-bidd.

So, there you have it. Joe Biden's scandalous regime, Fox Blanked. First lady's a hologram. I've been watching Fox News for 64 hours straight, and I think I know everything about Kamela Harris. So Camela Harris is a radical communist senator from California. She's going to turn the entire country into San Francisco. I hope you like Couskuse because it's going to be the only legal side dish.

They want you to think Caramel Harris is mainstream, but the truth is she's a radical, socialist, vegimite hell-dian. She attended socialism university and majored in a boy-a-a- from hospitals and make it legal for immigrants to play in the NFL. You want to know something else about Campbell-Soup Paris? She has never once clapped when the airplane lands. In this country, we stand and applaud for our jet blue pilot. Guess what? Callimari Harrison supports the Green New Deal. You have a car? Well, guess what? You're going to be forced to put one one one to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to their to the their the their their tockle as a tockle their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their......... I. I. I. I. I. I, the the the the the one of those coexist stickers on there. You're not fooling anybody, Alexandria, Okamola

Cortez? She just seems so angry. I mean what the hell is she so angry about? I hate angry women! Why has she still not released Obama's college transcript? What is her thin care routine? What does she think about the minion? the tree? thinne? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the th. th. She's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she just just just just just just just just just just, she's, she just just, she's, she's, she's, she just, she just, she just, she just just just, she just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just, she just, she just, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she she she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's she's the the the the th. th. th. the thin, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just, she's just. She's a cop who wants to defund the police, meaning she would stop existing because she eats money to survive. She is half Indian and half to make it. So say goodbye to drinking beer at a football game and say hello to sipping a mango lossie at a bobsled competition. Actually, it sounds really good. Forget I said anything. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruiter. Smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, Zip Recruiters' powerful matching technology starts showing you qualified people for it, and you can use Zip Recruiter's pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruit find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack.

Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address, Zip Recruiter. the smartest way to hire. Cancel culture. It's the number one problem facing America today. But what is cancel culture? Well, I've been watching nothing but Fox News for 72 hours straight, and I'm ready to Fox Blaine cancel culture. Okay, cancel culture.

It's political correctness plus discrimination multiplied by woke millennial shame monster. If you don't hold the right opinions, you're canceled. If you don't vote for the right candidate, you're canceled. If you own 2,000 slaves and murdered thousands of Native Americans, well, apparently we can't name an elementary school after you anymore. Where does it end? The leftist mob has canceled so many great American heroes. Andrew Jackson, Roseanne Barr.. Stimpy from Ren fem, the st, the st, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thine, th, thine, thine, thine, thine, thi, thi, th, thi, Roseanne Barr, the fire festival guy. Stimpy from Ren and Stimpy. My dog probably. I haven't seen him in a week. The radical left

is out of control. First it's Confederate statues. Next it's a statue of Liberty. Pretty soon they're gonna make an all-female reboot of Ghostbusters. What? Thought police? Politically correct go-daddy commercials. Gender neutral olive garden. A 10-year prison sentence for listening to ignition? If Joe Bining gets to appoint Supreme Court justices, you better believe that's coming hot and fresh out the kitchen. Here's the statue you can tear down. I'd hold up my middle finger, but it's broken.

I get medical attention for it, but my hospital is named after, you guessed it, Bill Gates. Vegan Cinemax channels, safe spaces for birds. Trigger warnings on Sudoku puzzles, transgender rumbas. What happened to the America of John Wayne and Thai Coss? They want to rename our military bases, tear down Mount Rushmore and change our national anthem to Bootylicious? Well, here's a message to the looters and instigators. I will never salute Bionseseseseuance. even if it is a national monument. If the liberal left wants to cancel something, why don't they start by canceling my membership to Planet Fitness? I've tried but it's really hard. Barry Weiss, Barry Bonds, is Barry on HBO gonna be canceled?

Someone answer me. Okay, that about sums up what cancel culture is. Thanks for watching everyone. Oh and Goya beans are protected by the sixth them. So basically Rudy Giuliani obtained Hunter Biden's laptop and the contents are so explosive I threw my phone into oncoming traffic. Get this, Hunter Biden is communicating with known criminals from his email address, corruption do-rate Ukrainian money. And he's hitting up all the big time oligarch. Vladimir Putin, Jonathan Borizma, Anthony Bouchikov, Liza Manelli. He's making deals, despite not even graduating from the third grade.

Here's what we know. In 2015, Hunter Biden, aka Hunter Pelosi bin Laden made $15 trillion by investing in a Chinese Planned Parenthood. One year later, Hunter makes an additional $19 the brillion from a Russian satellite dish. He's living on a yacht under the name Don Mexico, he hooks up with Merritt McChese of Moscow. Start the hedge fund with, you guessed it, Hillary, Hillary, Hillary, theare, theare, the Hungarian bank accounts. Check the Roerite's secret Tick-to-to-tocke.

Check that receipt for cheese poppers from the apple bees at k. evidence and yet I'm the one getting my house repossessed? That's the real malarkey. And by the way, did you know that malarkey is Mandarin for I will ban flacking? Let's take a step back for a second. You don't think it's fishy that Hunter Biden is sending text to his dad? My kids haven't returned my text in years. Mommy loves you. She just wants to warn you about Adam Schiff's 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives.

But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. Last week, Georgia has a new election law in response to Joe Biden's victory over actual president trump, and then all heck broke loose.

Is it time for American conservatives to cancel sports? They will certainly strike out with their predominantly conservative viewership. Let's not call it Coca-Cola anymore, let's call them Wococola. How many black people have died in the last hundred years from diabetes caused by Coca-Cola products? They want to boycott us, why don't we boycott them? Confused? Well I've been watching Fox News for one week straight with no bathroom breaks? I'm'm ready to explain what the fake news is too fake to tell you. So we all remember what happened in Georgia during the 2020 election. Ballots, slingshot into volcanoes, voting machines made by Antifa foot soldiers,

and reports of one Georgia man changing outfits and potentially casting thousands of votes. Hello! So in response to these issues, the Georgia legislature passed a law to make the elections process easier, safer, more Republican, faster, illegal in Atlanta, and other common sense bipartisan ideas. This is just the way the founders intended us to vote. Step one, get an ID. Step two, go to your local elections office, conveniently open between 9 a.m. and 9.02 a. Step three, solve a series of ancient riddles in order to receive a ballot application. Step four, look, there are 19 more steps.

We've all read the Constitution. But for some reason, the commune crats are soiling their vegan underpanies, just because it's now illegal Matt Gates to wine and dine a 17-year-old? Camels go nine hours without water all the time, and you can't? Oh, so there's... No, don't give it. The woke mob will tell you that George's election law is designed to stop black

people from voting. But can you even prove that black people to. I've even seen one in my entire life. Corporations think that they can act like people for some unclear reason and they're protesting too. Coca-Cola, Delta, Microsoft are all speaking out against this beautiful law. I know three things. One, conservatives are pro-business. Two, conservatives are pro-freedom of speech. And three, conservatives need to destroy these businesses for opening their fucking mounds. baseball move the all-star game out of Atlanta. MLB is just BLM backwards. Yeah! Hey corporations, here's a simple rule.

Stay out of politics, but stay in vault and making our country better by giving money to Mitch McConnell. You know what? We need to boycott them all. The MLB, the NFL, PBS, CPR. The next time someone tries to give you the Heimlich maneuver, you tell them to buzz off right before you lose consciousness. You better believe that if I were still allowed on commercial flights, I'd be boycotting the hell out of Delta. The cancel culture crowd is about to learn what happens when you try to cancel the cancel cancellers. You get cancellated.

Rho! When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. Well, surprise, surprise, the Do-Nothing Democrats are trying to steal this election.

Ice agents found thousands of Trump boats floating in the Arianna Grande. The states that are still out? Arizona, Pennsylvania, Nevada, Georgia. Put them all together? As Panvaja. What is as Panvaja? The Ukrainian milk company. Who's the chairman of the board? Hunter-Fucking Biden. Pennsylvania isn't even a state. It's a common wealth. Common plus wealth. Count the votes. Ickon the count. Ihoff the count. I'll haunt their. Okazio Omaro Omar to tho. the to to to the to to the to the to the to to the the the to the the the the the too. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the co. the count. the count. the co. the co. the count. the count. the count. the count. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the t. I. I. I. Icoo. Icoo. I. Io. Io. I. Icoo. I. C. I. I. I. C. I. I. I. I. I. C. I. pens to Democrats and made Republicans fill out their ballots with the Sharpey. It smells like dead people voting to me. Breaking news, Rudy Giuliani found 50,000 Trump votes in a goodie bag from Adam Schiffbard. The more cases, the more counting, the more testing, the more testing, the more ballots.

Has anyone seen Anthony Fauci and Nate Silver in the same room? One, two, three, four, five. Stop counting. 77, 78, 79, 80. Stop the number! Watch the Daily Show, weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change.

Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look. Starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.