The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Desus Nice on the House Speaker Race | Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

Episode Date: October 24, 2023

Desus Nice handles the latest in the news including Taylor Swift's secret handshake with Brittany Mahomes, leaked audio of Sheila Jackson berating staffers, the House Speaker race heating up, and a man faking 20 heart attacks to get out of paying the bill. The die-hard Bronx native then hits the streets of NYC to ask "what makes a true New Yorker?" Is it the hospital you're born in, or is it your go-to bodega order? And Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stops by to explain the Republican House Speaker mess, the importance of creating an easier path to citizenship for immigrants, and whether she still loves her job.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The candidates for November are set. I know Donald Trump's tight. Between now and Election Day. We are not going back. A campaign season unfolding faster. Kamila Harris is not getting a promotion. Then any in recent history. Make America great again.

Follow it all with new episodes every weekday on the NPR Politics Podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. From New York City, the only city in America. It's the show that invented news. This is the Daily Show with your host, Jesus Nice! Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm your host, Jesus Nice. And... Thank you. Let's hear it? You hear it?

Yes in the building. Yes, in the beard. Let's see. And for those of you at home who might be confused, I'm not Charlemagne. And for those of you at home who might be confused, I'm not Charlemagne. I'm the other black guy. Oh, that's how f-fied up, in which case I am Charlemagne. I'm so excited to be back in my hometown, New York City.

Listen, I have a question. Is the Bronx in the building? What about Brooklyn? What about Staten Island? Boom! Thank you. I told security not to let them in. Listen, we've got a great show for you the world right now. There's so much news. But it's also my first day. I'm still getting used to everything like where the cameras are. So let's ease into the...

Shit. Let's ease into everything with some sports news. And by sports news, I mean Taylor Swift, America Sweetheart. She did some charity over the weekend by shining a spotlight on a little unknown sport called football. Do we begin with Taylor Swift's secret handshake? Swift attended another Kansas City Chiefs game to see her rumored boyfriend Travis Kelsey and she was sitting with Brittany Mahomes wife of quarterback Patrick Mahalms.

They broke out a celebration handshake after the chief's touchdown. You know, she really nailed that. You can see her concentrating too. She's like, slap, slap, turn, bump. You got this girl. Also, props to Brittany Mahones, she leveled up. She went from being the quarterback's wife to Taylor Swift BFF. That's like the highest level a white woman can get.

I will say it's a good thing Taylor is dating someone on a good team. If she was dating someone on the Jets, she wouldn't have like a touchdown handshake. She just have like a reassuring shoulder tap. We'll get them next time. You can't win them all or any of them. But let's th let's th let's th let's th let's th let's th let's th let's th let's th let's th let's the th let's the th let's th let's the the the the the the the their the. the. theateateate. their their their the. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. tea. tea. tea. tea. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. ttime. You can't win them all or any of them But let's move on to another legend. He's not selling out stadiums or dominating headlines But he's an inspiration to millions of people around the world who want to skip out on a check We've heard him dining and dashing but how about dying and dashing? Yeah, this Lithuanian man was arrested in Spain after allegedly faking heart attacks in at least 20 restaurants across the country to avoid paying his bill? the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the legend. Heagede. Hea-l. Hea-l. Hea-l. Hea-l. Hea-hea-n-n-n-n-n-n. Heaged. Heaged. He's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the legend. He's the legend. He's the legend. He's the legend. He's the legend. He's their lea-lu. Hea-lia-lia-liage-lia-liagea-liagea-liageagea-leleageagea-lu. He's their their their and at least 20 restaurants across the country to avoid paying his bill. Police say he would order food and drinks and then perform a theatrical fake heart attack that

fooled at least 19 restaurants. That was until staff at the 20th restaurant caught on the bill he was caught on was $37 for some paella and shots of whiskey. First of all, look at this legend. Are we sure he's not having a heart attack? He looks like he's dying and being born at the same time. I don't know it's worse, that he was acting out heart attacks or that he was doing it during the actor's strike. Stealing is wrong, scabbing is unforgivable my guy. My other question is how far did he actually take it? Do you actually go to

the hospital or was he just like, I'm dying, I'm dying! It's fine, I'll grab a Uber but box that up. The bread too please. But you know this game only works in a country of universal health care. In America, health care is so bad people pretend they're not having heart attacks to save money. Nah, be, not be, don't call the Hamlets. Let me sleep on it. All right, doing well so far. All right, let's get into some real news. Let's talk politics. Sheila Jackson Lee is a Congresswoman from Texas who's running for mayor of Houston, H-Town. Although based on some leak audio that just came out, you know who's not voting for her? Her staff. Where is it?

What state? I'll come. Sure. I don't want you to do a goddamn thing. I want you to have a great, what to to to to to to to to to to to to to the state, to to to to the state, to to to to to to the state, to to to to the state, the state, the state, the state, to the their, their to their to, their to to to to, to, to, to, to, to, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thoome, thoome-s, thoomea, thoomorrow, thoooooomorrow, thoooooomorrow, thoooooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, thoomorrow, to to do a goddamn thing. I want you to have a fucking brain. I want you to have read it. I want to say Congresswoman with such a such a case. That's what I want. That's the kind of stamp that I want to have. I need to ensure my schedule. And, you know, it's a boo-boo-doo-a-doh-d-a'-d-li-li-s. My own brother, okay? Nothing. I gave it to you. Your job was to get it on the calendar,

not to, old Jerome, okay? So when I called Jerome, he only sit up there like a fat-ass stupid idiot talking about what f-fk he doesn't know. Okay? Both y'all are fucked up the fucking ass. It's the worst shit that I said they ever had took together. Two goddamn children. You're a fucking idiot. You serve no the goddamn purpose. God damn. Listen, if you get an older black woman to talk like that, you fuck all the way up. Listen, only way you're getting out of this?

Fake a heart attack. But it's nice to know Democrats can get angry about something. Because usually they're really meek. Like, I guess we won't pay off these student loans all well. Meanwhile, she's like, hey, what fat ass fucked up my calendar. Damn it, Jerome! Hey, you know what? C-SPAN will be the number one channel of America if Congress could talk like this. Ah. Good afternoon, esteemed colleagues and mother f-fix. A lot of you dumb ass, f-fix-bai-shit rags been running your nasty little mouths regarding

spending bill H.R. 337. You little shit's are really as stupid as you woke. I yield my time. But good news for Sheila because Congress has way bigger issues to deal with right now. Republicans are trying to figure out a new speaker of the House. And surprise, surprise, even Republicans don't like other Republicans. On Friday House Republicans dropped Jim Jordan of Ohio as the nominee in a secret ballot after his three failed attempts to get elected. He's out.

He's out. At least nine Republicans are now vying to be the Speaker of the House, setting the stage for a new candidate forum tomorrow. Among the contenders, Byron Donalds of Florida. Retired Marine Corps Lieutenant General Jack Bergman of Michigan, a majority whip Tom Emmer of Minnesota, who's backed by ousted Speaker Kevin McCarthy. That's right, they got nine Republicans running for Speaker now.

I'm going to be honest, I kind of want to root for Byron. I feel like he might be my god. I mean, no particular reason? But for real though, look at this group of contenders. It looks like someone put a bottle of Hershey syrup in the mayonnaise aisle. Yo, all these white dudes look the same. In fact, three of them are the same guy and you didn't even notice. That's how similar they all are. If you ask me, Byroix could win this thing easy.

All he has to do is say, vote for me and I'll let you say it. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Oh, I'm kidding. You know they already say it. Listen, for more on the race for speaker, we go live to the Capitol with Desi Lydick. Desi, what's your take on the situation? Well, in political science terms, Republicans are all kinds of fucked up right now. Although, to be fair, the situation isn't all bad. When the House doesn't have a speaker, Americans don't have to pay any bills.

Um, I'm almost certain that's not true. You have to pay your bills. No, I don't think so. You can't pass bills, therefore I don't have to pay bills. It's political science. It's okay, it's your first day. Cool, cool. All right. Look, it's been a few weeks now. What can Republicans do to find a speaker? Well, Republicans can do what women have been doing for centuries. They can settle. Look, they're not getting any younger. It's time to accept a speaker who's, you know, just good enough. Maybe his resume isn't as tall as you had hoped for. Maybe he sends you weird pictures

of his caucus or, I don't know. Maybe he's Jim Jordan. Well, tough. That is what settling is all about. Either he's got a job or he's good in bed. It's never both. He either has a good relationship with his mom or he's good in bed. It's never both. He either has a good relationship with his mom or he's good in bed. It's never both. You know, he can either read or he's good in bed. It's never both. Why can't it ever be both? Yeah, I'm learning a lot about you, Jesse.

But they're gonna have to pick someone. Who do you think they should pick? Oh, oh, that's that's that's that's that's that's tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi's their thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's their their thi tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. th. th. tho. tho. thi, th. thi, th. th. th. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thi, thi, thi. thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. to toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. tho. tho. tho. the. thi's thi's th're going to have to pick someone. Who do you think they should pick? Oh, that's their choice, stezes. I would never tell Republicans what they should do with their legislative body. No, no. All I'm going to say is time is of the essence, and their political clock is ticking, ticking okay maybe just maybe Kevin McCarthy was the one that got away you know they had a mediocre thing going and they took it for granted look I know he lies and he's not good with money and yeah he voted to overturn the election he's also probably terrible in bed and can't read. But look, it's cuffing season. For the love of God, just turn off the lights and vote.

to the audience, everybody. So good. Listen, when we come back, I'll meet some real New Yorkers, so stick around. You're... New Yorkers, so stick around. Your... The candidates for November are set. I know Donald Trump's type. Between now and Election Day. We are not going back. A campaign season unfolding faster.

Kamela Harris is not getting a promotion. Than any in recent history. Make America great again. Follow it all with new episodes every weekday on to the Daily Show. Now if you know anything about me, I am a real New Yorker. I don't know if any of y'all are real New Yorkers. So I hit the street to find out. Yeah, what up. It's your boy, Jesus Nice. We're here in New York City talking to New Yorkers about what makes them a real New Yorker.

We're gonna find out if it's about being born here versus the experience you had here. Follow me or let's hear some chop cheese stories. You consider yourself a real New Yorker. You consider yourself a real New Yorker. You consider thee. We're thinininininininininin. thinininin. thin. thin. thiiiiiiiii. to to to the to to to they. to to they. to to their. to to to to their. to their. too their. to their. to their their their their. their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. to to to to to to to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to too. toooooooooo. tooo. too. too. too. too. too. to to to to to the to the to to he's a real New Yorker. He told me the hospital. I did not ask him, okay? This is what we do. We are obnoxious like that.

Are you a New Yorker? I consider myself a New Yorker? You consider yourself a New Yorker. I moved here. I moved here from Hong tooan. experience? Really the whole experience I mean even this itself is an experience I would consider yeah. What do you feel is the most New York thing you've ever seen? Probably when Jay Z brought Oprah the mall seat. As a New Yorker, what borough has the worst guys? The worst guys? The worst guys? The worst guys? I would say the Bronx is dirty, no offense. What about uptown in the Bronx you ever been? I don't freak with the Bronx. I don't freak with the Bronx with the Bronx with the Bronx with the Bronx with the Bronx with the Bronx with the Bronx with the Bronx with the Bronx. the Bronx. the Bronx. the Bronx. the Bronx. the Bronx. the Bronx. the Bronx. the Bronx. the Bronx. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm the Bronx. I'm the Bronx. I'm the Bronx. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. I'm. I'm. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the.? What's wrong with the Bronx? I just feel like the Bronx is dirty, no offense. What about uptown in the Bronx?

You ever been? I don't freak with the Bronx, bro. Here we go with the Bronx. It's just far, broo, it's a far. It's just far, it's a far, it's a far, the most crazy train ride. It's like the most crazy shit I'm saying so far. To be fair, is that crazy for Fordham Road? Nah, for Fordham Road. That's regular Bronx.

That's regular Bronx. As every New Yorker has one of these, I have to ask you what yours is. Your go-to-y, what's it? Yeah, to the go yeah. Alright, let me get a BLT. Mmm. Maynase, salt, pepper, extra tomato. You want me to say bacon, I can cheese?

I don't. I don't. That's what you want me to say. If you said that, that means you're a transplant or an undercover cop. We're not falling. Which of these these tha the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi. the thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thinks. thanks. thanks. thanks. thinks. the the thanks. the the the tooes. Maltease. Maltease. Maltase. Maltase. Maltase. Maltase. Maltase. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. M. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. t. to. t. a C? I'm saying A. You pass that. A means it's clean. The rats that work there have benefits, that kind of thing. Do you know what the C means? No. It's supposed to mean the place is disgusting. There's probably some of the best food you have succulent. You're going to eat that chicken off the bone. Which is the best restaurant grave? the best restaurant? the things. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. things. things. things. th. th. th. things. th. things. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that th. th. that that that that that thatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheat. that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Do th. th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. the th. the the the the the th. the the the the the the the that that that that that that that that that that that man. Off the rib. Off the rip. Okay, A means clean.

C means flavorful. Come on, baby, yeah, you know. If they ain't give you no attitude and they ain't got to see on the front door. The Chinese spot with the B, got the best chicken wings, man. The B stands for best. the best. Oh, come know, we ain't win in a minute, but we got it. I think we got it this year. We got it, we got it, baby. Oh, die hard.

Let's fj-go. New York Knicks all day, baby. That's what I love about New Yorkers, our optimist. But when the Knicks win the championship, what are you gonna... What advice is mind your business and you won't get fucked up? Mind your business. Mind your business. Mind your business.

I think you would pass the test. You are real New Yorker, man. I appreciate you. We're about to go put on a fresh Yankee fit and some air force. You already know, you're a try and you know,this dirty, you said we're fatherless. I recognize you are a true New Yorker. Yes. Thank you. Using the talent that was given to me by Giuliani, I now proclaim you a true New Yorker.

This guy is the real deal right here. Pleasure, let's go, baby. Let's go match. Let's go Nix. You have to have a work-I-I have your work hard play hard and also you just have to be opinionated. Hold your own. You know what using your own standard of definition of a New Yorker, you pass the test Sam. Thank you. You are now a true New Yorker. I want you to walk down the street and bump into someone and not apologize. Here we go. There we go. There we go. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th to th to to to to to to to to to the the to the the to to the the the the the the the the the to the the to to to the to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be the the the to be the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. t. tip. to. to. tou try try try try try try try try try try to be to be opinion. to go, can't be fast. All right, when we come back, we're talking to a real New Yorker. Congresswoman Alexandra Acazia Cortez will be joining me on the show.

Don't go away! The candidates for November are set. I know Donald Trump's type. Between now and Election Day. We are not going back. A campaign season unfolding faster. Comelaharis is not getting a promotion. Then any in recent history. Make America great again.

Follow it all with new episodes every weekday on the Brogs and Queens, please welcome Congresswoman Alexandria Casio Cortez. A.O.T. Always good to see you. Always good to see a Bronx site. You can't just do that formal introduction. We've got to do that B.X. How you been?

I've been good. I mean, it's been a little, you know, crazy. It's been a while time in Congress. What's it what I've been like for you? Because I see you on social media, and you can just be like, hey, it's a sunny day. And people are like, I hate you. You know, it's not that different than the six train at midnight.

Got you. So, you know, you get that, you that, you that, you do? I do. In fact, I think I love it now more than ever. Okay, I have to ask you about the House Speaker debacle. Yes. From the outside, I have no idea what's going in. Could you just really quickly explain it? So Republicans kicked out their speaker. And now they can't find a new guy to run their group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to to to to to to to to to to their their. to to to to to to to to to. to. to. to. to. to. to to to to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to to. to to to to to to to their. their. to. to. their. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to, te. te. te. te. to, toe. toe. to, toe. toe. to, toe. toe. toe. to toe. to to run their group project. Yes. And they're all like fighting with each other about it. Got you.

Now for a local in the Bronx, how does this affect them? So in terms of how this affects the Bronx, we've got a clock ticking on a government shutdown. And if this gets us to a point of a government shutdown, I mean, that's real, right? That's when we start seeing TSA and airports get affected. That's when people could potentially miss their checks. So this is something that's really important for everybody to make sure that we get that pressure on. But also, we need to make sure that we don't have people

like Jim Jordan or extremist because whoever takes over the house could potentially put our democracy in danger when it comes to certifying or recertifying an election and so on. Got you. Now, you know, people say Congress doesn't really get anything done right now because of the shutdown. Well, what were you guys getting done before?

Because I know you've been doing something. OK. That's an excellent question. I will say from when Republicans took over to now, they provided a lot of meme content. Yes. But before that, when Democrats were in the majority, we passed the largest climate package in American history. We capped insulin at $35 for people. We made sure that, you know, when the

pandemic went through, we started the program of child tax credits. Now we had some folks in the Senate shut that down, but when we take back the Senate, we want to make sure that we reestablish and expand those programs back again too. So, we're able to do some things there on the struggle bus a little bit. She's like, put some respect on my name, I feel you. All right, so we just did a piece about the people running for House Speaker. Who are you voting for? None of them.

I can tell you. I'll be casting my vote for Hakeem Jeffries. Stop for that. All right. So, you know, shout out to my parents, all the parents. Immigrants are the lifeblood of New York City. Our mayor, Eric Adams, he said we can't handle any more in here. You represent one of the most diverse districts in Congress. What can be done at a federal level to help? Well here's the thing is that I think whether from all parts of the political

spectrum one of the biggest issues that we have when it comes to immigration is the fact that we have an undocumented population. Now you can fix that by trying to build a wall or you can fix that by trying to document people and create a path to build a wall or you can fix that by trying to document people and create a path to citizenship. And we'll have folks that might say look at these systems, you know that our shelter system has weight and things like that, but one of the reasons that our public systems experience weight is because people don't have a documented and reliable path to work and sustain themselves,

just like all of our ancestors did and our grandparents and great-grandparents. You know, I always love when people talk about like, oh, well, you know, my great-grandfather came, and he wrote his name wrong on a book, and now he's a citizen. And, like, can we put two and two together that our processes today are so difficult that they make our immigration process difficult?

But that doesn't mean that immigrants do not create a positive contribution to our country and our economy and our society. And so the answer should really be, we should make it easier to be legal, documented, and a citizen of the United States of America. Right there, right there. Well, it was great talking to you. Thank you for coming. Give it up for Congresswoman Alexander OPEC from the B.X. We'll take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. Thank you so much.

We're trying to be the candidates for November are set. I know Donald Trump's type. Between now and Election Day. We are not going back. A campaign season unfolding faster. Commola Harris is not getting a promotion. Then any in recent history. Make America great again.

Follow it all with new episodes every weekday on the NPR Politics podcast. Yo, that's our show for tonight. Before we go, please consider supporting Dream Yards. They work with young people, families and schools and and where the BX to build pathways towards equity and opportunity through the arts. If you can donate, please click the link below. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. The candidates for November are set. I know Donald Trump's type. Between now and Election Day. We are not going back. A campaign season unfolding faster.

Comilla Harris is not getting a promotion. Than any in recent history. Make America great again. Follow it all with new episodes every weekday on the NPR Politics podcast.