The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Everything Is Stupid - Halloween

Episode Date: October 31, 2021

Ronny Chieng rails against a spooky car wash service, an extreme haunted house attraction and Halloween-themed gimmicks from corporate brands. Originally aired October 2019. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. It's Halloween again. Or as I like to call it, the stupidest time of the year. Because you've got dumb kids coming to your house begging for candy.

And then you have everyone else trying to come up with a costume that's topical but also hot. Oh look at me I'm sexy quit pro quo. What does that even mean? But Halloween also means businesses are pretending they're cool by coming out with spooky promotions like this guy. A car wash in Ohio is doubling down as a haunted house. Check it out customers can enjoy the spooky experience while riding through the car wash. These actors dressed in scary Halloween costumes will wipe down cars and scare customers. The frightening car costs 20 bucks. Not only are you locked in your car in a haunted house, but you're going to go home with what we think is the cleanest car in Ohio.

The cleanest car in Ohio. The cleanest car in Ohio. Who cares? It's still in Ohio. I'd rather have the second dirtiest car anywhere else. More importantly, why do you have to combine these two things? How busy are people? Are you really just sitting around like, yo, I got time for a hunter house or a car wash? I can't do both. And how is this even scary? I'm not scared of Freddy Kruger if he's working for me for tips. But if you want a haunted house that has less sitting and more crapping your pants, then you're in luck. The country's scariest haunted house is offering $20,000

for anyone who can get through this thing. So just to get in, you'll to th. You you you you th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, tho, tho- tho- th- tho- thi, thi thi, th- th- th- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the thi the the really really really really really really the the really thate really thateeeeeateeeeateeateeeeeat theeeeeeat theeeeeeeeeeeeeeee the th anyone who can get through this thing. So just to get in, you'll need to watch a two-hour-long video, sign a 40-page waiver, bring a doctor's note saying you pass the physical, and have a safe word for when you want to give up. The haunted house includes intense audio, lighting, extreme, low visibility, gross stuff, close contact with creatures they may touch you and graphic and pretty real scenes of horror. Now the tour taps into your personal fears such as being buried alive or drowning.

The entire experience can last up to 10 hours. Holy shit! Close contact with disgusting creatures that may tou that's not a haunted house. That's a a haunted house. That's a sleepover at Jeffrey Epstein's place. Right? Look, can we all just agree that haunted houses are stupid? It's a bunch of losers yelling, boo!

You're booing me? I'm booing you. Boo! That blood looks fake, boo! The whole idea of a haunted house combines two things I don't want to do, okay? Be scared and go to someone else's house. I mean, if you want to spend money to have a shitty night, just go on a Tinder date. Oh, wow, that's so interesting.

I've never met anyone who likes to travel before. Honestly, the scariest thing about Halloween is how corporate it is. You can't do anything without running into promotional bullshit. Just in time for Halloween Burger Kings, introducing what they're calling the ghost whopper. Chipotle is back with its annual burrito for a Halloween. If customers come in dressed in costume on Halloween, they can get a burrito for just four bucks. In honor of Halloween the coffee giant is debuting. Check it out right there, the Phantom Frappuccino.

It is a black and green drink. The food product designed to look like slime contains charcoal powder to add the black coloring. Well, activated charcoal is banned in New York because of safety concerns tied to it. Damn, that drink got banned in New York. Do you know how bad that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that thiiolioloomomomom is thoomomom is tho know how bad that coffee has to be to be considered a health risk in New York? This is the same city where pizza gets delivered by a rat. So, yo, and if you ask me, all these gimmicks are so unnecessary. Fast food is already scary, okay?

Just put a flashlight under your chain and read the list of ingredients. Wow, Ronnie, Ronnie, you're really not into the season. Are you, like, do you celebrate anything Halloween? Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, I love getting a Halloween spirit. I buy candy and when trick-or-treaters come to my door, I eat it in their faces to show that that nothing in life is free. Ronnie Chang, everyone! with Trevor Noah Ears Edition. Subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.

When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News.

Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts.