The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Eye on Texas: Ted Cruz, Immigration & Blaming AOC

Episode Date: September 7, 2021

The Daily Show chronicles the life of Sen. Ted Cruz, conservatives blame liberals for a devastating winter storm, and District Attorney Mark Gonzalez fights for change in Nueces County. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Min Like, none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts.

Every state of America seems to have its own unique way of dealing with gun rights. You know, in Texas, they believe that the only thing that own unique way of dealing with gun rights. You know, in Texas, they believe that the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with, well, I'll let Roywood Jr. tell you. Schools back in session, which means college students are stocking up on textbooks, cargo shorts, and in Texas, ammunition? Texas will allow people with concealed handgun permits to carry their guns into public university buildings, classrooms, and dorms. That's right. Now the freshman 15 is just how many bullets your gun can hold. And with campus shootings on the rise, open-carry Texas founder, CJ Grisham says it's about damn time.

Wherever I plant my feet feet as a free man, I should be able to carry my firearm. So everywhere but space? Yeah, pretty much. I should be able to carry my gun into that classroom, into that cafeteria, into that stadium. The place where there's all the alcohol. People carry into Olive Garden all the time, andthey serve alcohol there and we don't have shootouts.

Well, of course nobody's shooting at Olive Garden. When you're there, your family. We're not talking about anybody being able to carry them to a campus. We're talking about 21-year-old students who have been trained. Okay. But even in Cowboy country, not everybody was welcoming their new locked and loaded classmates. Lady that hates guns, Jessica Jen. Guns should not be on college campuses. But this is Texas though, you know the Texas state model, if it moves, shoot it. I don't think that a student has a capability to react appropriately in the unlikely event

of a mass shooter. But they have a gun, they're trained. In Texas, it only takes four hours to get a their, their, their, to get a to get a to get, to get, to get, to get, to get, to get, their, to get, their, to their, to their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their...a. ta. ta.a.a.a. ta.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a. ta.a.a. ta.a to get a concealed handgun license. Wait, four hours to learn how to shoot a gun. Right. I had a job at Baskin Robbins. It took them a week to teach me how to scoop ice cream. A week to learn how to do that. Okay, maybe the training is a little lax, but what are these sexting for instigant on campus with dildos. And y'all just carrying dildos around? Absolutely. We are strapping gigantic dildos to our backpacks. This is a family show. You don't bring... Mama, turn the channel.

Just my mama watched it? Ngui, nuts. We're fighting absurdity with absurdity. Or at least that was the plan. It turns out that it's illegal to openly brandish a dildo in Texas. Really? Yes. So this is legal. This is illegal. Welcome to Texas. Why's this blurred out? Damn, it's illegal on Comedy Central, too.

Even though it was illegal, Jen's rebellious dild protests caught fire and spread like a STD on a college campus. Students proudly showed off their gildos to show gun activists that... Ooh, oh my God, he's just throwing all the dicks in the... That is a lot of dicks. Bringing dildos on to a college campus. It's very vulgar, it's very obscene, and I think waving a penis around is quite, quite immature. I mean, we are talking about college students who probably haven't matured yet. This dude is gonna give me a migraine.

Should you have a gun if you haven't fully mature? Yes. Immature people can still be very responsible. But Gresham still had more to prove. The left has this obsession with male genitalia. They say that because I carry a gun, I'm obviously compensating for something. What's you packing? I carry a normal size, or average size 45. What'd you say, average?

It's about average. It's about four inches. A barrel length. Ever thought about extending that barrel? The larger the gun, the harder it is to conceal. Oh, I know. Grisham wasn't taking these dildos laying down. So we set up a massive counter-protest.

All right, it was four of my f-fix with a sign and a big rifle. There was a purpose to us open carrying a gun to show that we're not a threat. Because of this protest, I've gotten death threats. These aren't casual threats. One pro-gun advocate went so far as to release a film of someone murdering a Dildo protester. But Dildo haters in Texas laws weren't enough to keep Jessica's dicks at home. It doesn't feel good to walk around with a Dildo on my backpack, but people have become so numb to gun violence in America. Our Dildos are an object of political resistance. To keep Jessica out of

jail, I had to help these illegal dick protesters. I will teach you the techniques of proper protesting as talk to me about the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the of of the ofe-s' of ofi-s' the the of-si-si-s'er-s'er-s'er-s'er-s'e-s'e-s'e-s'e-s'e-s'e-s'e-s'e-s'n. thi-s'n. thi-s'n. thi-s'n. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I Ia-s.e-s.e-s, thi-s thi-s, thi-s, thi-s, thi-s, thi-s, thi-s'ea-sea-sea-sgo'ea- t-sia'ea'ea'ea'ea'ea'ea- t-sk. t-sk. t teach you the techniques of proper protesting as taught to me about the couple of civil rights movies that I watched this morning. My solution, make Dildo's legal on a Texas campus by adding a gun. Put your dick's in the ass. Let's go. Cops not glass. Who knows not glass! Cops not glass! Who knows? Maybe we can bring these two sides together.

If your firearm makes someone uncomfortable, what should they do? Uh, close their eyes, educate themselves. Take this. Look at that. I'm actually a little uncomfortable holding it. I just don't like holding one of these. Well, maybe you should close your eyes and educate yourself. March 4th, 2016.

Let's cut waste fraud and abuse. It's easy to say it. Establishment Republican candidates were making their last stand against Donald Trump. And Senator Ted Cruz of Texas had a gross booger hanging on his lip. And then he ate it, as if none of us could see. This is Ted Cruz, the booger on the lip of democracy. Raphael Edward Cruz was born in Canada to an American woman and a former Cuban revolutionary. When Ted was four, the cruises relocated to Texas. Houston, we have a problem. Where his youthful ambition was the same as any higher order lizard, sex and domination.

Well, my aspiration is to, uh, oh, I don't know, being a tint-tit film like that guy who played Horatio. You know, he was in Malibu Bikini Beach shop? Well, other than that, uh, take over the world, world domination. Yes, young Ted Cruz was obsessed with boobs and power. Two things he would struggle to get his hands on for the rest of his life. From there, it was on to Princeton University, where he befriended Craig Mazin,

who as the creator of the HBO series Chernobyl is familiar with toxic disasters. Ted Cruz was my roommate. I did not like him at all in college. I want to be clear, because I, you know, Ted Cruz is a nightmare of a human being. I have plenty of problems with his politics, but truthly, his personality is so awful that 99% of why I hate him is just his personality. Awful, awful, awful person.

He's awful. Ted Cruz was so awful, this professional screenwriter could think of no other word to describe him. That's impressive. After graduating from Harvard Law School, Ted finally found someone word to describe him. That's impressive. After graduating from Harvard Law School, Ted finally found someone who didn't hate him, which left him no choice but to marry her. We got back from our honeymoon, and he went off to the store and came home by himself, and he arrived back at our apartment with literally a hundred cans of Campbell's chunky soup. And I said, if you don't buy a hundred of anything, much less canned soup. We'll, you know, we're, we can't do this.

I'll be making things and he said, no, I know you, you won't be making things. And then, because there was no room for both soup and a wife, Ted and Heidi lived apart for seven years. Cruz used that time to rise through the legal ranks, arguing eight cases before the Supreme Court where he championed the rights of mentally ill prisoners to be executed by the state. But his most famous case was a passionate defense of one unusual Texas law. Cruz's Texas Solicitor General once defended a ban on the sale of sex toys. That's right, in a show of selfless devotion to the law, Ted Cruz defended a ban on sex toys,

even though he himself is a complete dildo. In 2012, Cruz burst onto the national stage as a Senate candidate and darling at the Tea Party. Once elected, he put his mark on the Senate by filibustering Obamacare while showing off his first grade reading ability. Do you like, green eggs and ham? I do not like them, Sam I am. I do not like green eggs and ham.

What a treat to hear Dr. Seuss read by a Dr. Seuss character. To achieve his dreams of world domination, Ted knew he would need to leave an impression, and he left impressions everywhere. Hmm, there is no try. Do or do not. The force is strong with this one. Non-stop. Hidily ho, neighbor.

Just a never-ending parade of barely recognizable voices. Liar! Shut up witch. I'm not a witch of your wife. Even though he couldn't really do any of them. In the immortal words of William Wallace, freedom! With charisma like that, there was only one thing for Cruz to do. I am announcing that I'm running for president of the United States.

I was hyped with life in the back, bagg. Took a mic, no rights, had to write tracks. Soon, Ted was cruising toward victory. He had key endorsements. I've looked at the candidates. Ted Cruz is my man. A supportive family. Not a day goes by that my mom is not lifting me up in prayer. That's true.

For hours at a time. And fresh ideas. Of course in Texas, we cook bacon a little differently than most folks. Mmm. A machine gun bacon. Hmm. A machine gun bacon. Hmm.

Any hunter can track and shoot an animal. But it takes a true outdoorsman to use a gun on meat he already bought at the store. That's just how unlikable Ted Cruz is. He actually found a way to turn people off of bacon. But despite having the meticulous planning skills and foresight, that's just coincidentally the hallmark of a serial killer, Ted Cruz failed to anticipate Donald Trump. Ted Cruz, he's a absolute disgusting liar.

He is like a little baby. Soft, weak, little baby. This guy's a liar. Lie in Ted, lies. Oh, he lied. Donald Trump called his wife ugly and said his father was implicated in the conspiracy to kill JFK. At first, Ted took the high road, swallowing his pride and a few boogers along the way. But finally, he had had enough.

Cruz got on stage at the RNC, and he did not endorse Donald Trump. Vote your conscience. That pledge was not a blanket commitment that if you go and slander and attack Heidi, that I'm gonna nonetheless come like a servile puppy dog and say thank you very much from maligning my wife and maligning my father. The gauntlet had been thrown. No longer would Ted Cruz cater to Donald Trump's every win. He drew a line in the sand and, oh, hold on, I'm getting her call. Hi, this is Ted Cruz called. I was calling to encourage. I. I. I. I. I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come, I to come to come to come to come to come to come to come the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the th. I the the the, I the, I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm thee. I'm theeeeeeeeee. I'm theeean, theeean, the. I'm the sand and, oh, hold on, I'm getting a call. Hi, this is Ted Cruz's call.

I was calling to encourage you to come out and vote on election. Oh, Ted, with nothing left to do, Cruz headed back to the Senate, where he reclaimed his position as the most hated guy in the office. If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the the th, th, th, th, th, th, to to th, to th, th, th, to thii and to to thi, thi, to thi, to to to to to to to to to to told told, told, told, to told, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, trueueueue, true, true, true, true, true, the, the, the, the, the, the. the. toooooooo, too, to to to to to the, told, thi, thi. If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convict you. I probably like Ted Cruz more than most of my colleagues like Ted Cruz, and I hate Ted Cruz. He's just a toxic co-worker.

He's the guy that microwaves fish. There is nothing more dangerous than a reckless asshole who thinks he's smarter than everyone else. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Ted Cruz. I'm beginning to understand why Ted Cruz has been hated by everyone, every place he's ever been, from kindergarten to the United States Senate. I am not endorsing Ted Cruz. And I think I'll take Cy cyanide if you ever got the nomination.

Godda'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'eat, even people who don't know if mass shootings are bad, thinks Ted Cruz fucking sucks. Chaskeen by this reception, Ted got to work rehabilitating his image. He began doing relatableable stuff, like accidentally posting milf porn on the anniversary of 9-11 and encouraging an insurrection against the government. We will not go quietly into the night. Look, Ted Cruz's objection to the Arizona. This is objection, he was going to sell us out all along. Look, objection to counting electoral votes on the state of Arizona.

Wait, no, that's okay. All right, all right. I'll pay Arizona. Wait, no, that's okay. All right, all right, all right, he's waiting. He's waiting us. Oh no. Ted Cruz is so hateable that for a moment, even his biggest fans hated him by accident. But once the dust settled and the Maga Mob reluctantly decided not to murder him,

Ted and his family headed back home to Texas to let things cool down in Washington. Unfortunately, things cooled down even more in Texas. As Texans wait for a thaw and power to their homes, Senator Ted Cruz is facing backlash. After an alleged fellow passenger tweeted out this photo, appearing to show Cruz on a flight to Cancun. He first blamed the trip on his kids. That turned out to be a lie.

The 24-hour trip to Cancun radically shifted America's view of Ted Cruz from a giant, unlikable asshole to... Actually, it didn't shift the view of him at all. But these are just small bumps on the road to his ultimate goal, world domination. To Ted Cruz, the earth is a mere booger dancing on his lips, tantalizing, mesmerizing, repulsive, waiting until the day he can swallow us whole and hope that no one saw it. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television.

Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling? But that's all about to change. Like, none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. A freak winter storm slammed into Texas, causing blackouts for millions of people. And usually, when

there are blackouts in America, things go back to normal in a couple of hours, and it's not a big deal. You light some candles, you grab some flashlights, and then you tell a scary story about the woman who married the ghost of a little boy. But in Texas, many people are still waiting for the heat to come back on three days later. And things stopped being fun a long time ago. This morning, a deadly winter blast. things stopped being fun frozen pipes. No water. And during freezing temperatures, any way they can. Some dangerously using cars or grills for heat.

For the millions bundled up with no electricity, this has been life for days. In this room in our house, it is 33 degrees. In Austin, Andrew Leahy and his wife finding ways to keep warm. You'll see a blanket here and blue scotch tape. We're doing anything possible to keep the heat in. All right, people, this, no matter what anybody says, is awful. I know people were praying for Texas to go blue, but not like this.

I mean, is it too much to ask for just one apocalypse at a time? You know, COVID is bad., but now Texans have to deal with their homes turning into meat lockers. This shit is unfair. The pipes are frozen. Temperatures are below zero. Ice is everywhere. Forget Texans. This would be too much for Elsa.

Let it go. Hell no, this is some bullshit. I'm going to Aruba. I mean, you saw that news clip. clip, some people are putting up scotch tape and blankets. That's not how people should keep heat in their house. That's how you hide the weed smell from your RA. Now, what's been so devastating about this blackout is that when the electricity went out, it affected everything. People were struggling to get heat, they're still struggling to get food, and they're struggling to get water. Now, luckily for them, their leaders have stepped up in their time of need

to tell them to stop bitching. Now a story making headlines nationwide, the mayor of Colorado City, Tim Boyd, has resigned after getting backlash over a Facebook post yesterday. In that post, he wrote, it is, quote, not the local government's responsibility to support you during trying times like this, end quote. He said those without without thoo tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. the th. the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thooooooi. And, thin, theeei. And, thin, thoi. And, thin, thin, thi. And, like this." He said those without power or water should quote step up and come up with a game plan to say safe in quote. He says the city, county, along with power providers, owe you nothing and only the strong will survive the week will perish. Damn, okay. I mean that's one way to be a leader just telling your people to fend for themselves during a disaster. That's some next level. You know even even Immorton Joe sprayed his people with water once in a while. He's like, I've got a heart, come on.

Like, here's a question. Why did this guy even want to be a mayor if he didn't want to help people? You don't become a doctor and then tell people, transplant your own liver, bitches? Why do I gotta do everything, Huh? I'm a doctor! Now, the good news is the backlash was so fierce that this mayor immediately resigned. And honestly, it's probably safer for him now that he's gone. Because if you think frostbite is bad on your nose, who, you should see what it does to an exposed asshole. Now, after the people of

Texas are done DIYing their own power plants, they'll probably want to know why this catastrophe happened in the first place. And thi. And thi. thi. the thi. their thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thoe, thoe, thi, the, thoe, thoe, thi, thi, thi, thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi's the the to to to thean to to to to to to to thean to to thean to to thean thean thean thean thean thean thean thean to know why this catastrophe happened in the first place. And while freak storms can't be prevented, it looks like Texas could have done a lot more to prepare for this eventuality. Officials with the council that manages most of Texas's grid, says that outages are due to the state's natural gas suppliers not being able to tolerate such low temperatures. Power plants are not performing as expected, especially natural gas-fired power plants in Texas right now. Many of the thermal power plants, like natural gas-fired power plants, coal-fired power plants, and at least one nuclear units,

are not producing energy. They're suffering outages. Some people would point to the fact that Texas had its power supply deregulated back in the 90s, and you would say critics say that because of these businesses were focusing on profits, they were not necessarily concerned with maintenance and or winterizing the equipment to prepare for worst-case scenarios like we're experiencing right now. Texas is the only state to use its own independent power grid. That means it does not have federal regulations that might the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the power the the power the power the power the power the power the power the power the power the power the power the power the power the the power the the the the th. th. the the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to toeuuu. toeu. toeu. toeu. toeu. their their their Texas is the only state to use its own independent power grid. That means it does not have federal regulations that might have better prepared Texas for

an event like this. That's right. The main reason Texas has plunged into darkness is that its natural gas industry has been crippled by the storm. And that might, might have been preventable, except that Texas deregulated its power supply in the 90s, which was clearly not the wisest decision. I mean, trust me, as a man who lived through the 90s, you should probably rethink most of the decisions you made in that decade.

But you see, this deregulation led to a lack of oversight that could have helped to keep the infrastructure maintained. But instead, for some reason, there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there their their their their their their their their their their th the infrastructure maintained. But instead, for some reason, there are more people keeping tabs on Britney Spears than the Texas Power Grid. And this just goes to show you, you can't put profits over quality and safety. Money's not worth a whole lot if you have to burn it to keep warm. Look, the fact of the matter is, this situation is kind of embarrassing for Texas's leaders. I I I I I I I tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha, thiiii. thui. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the thi, thi, thi, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, this is the state that prides itself on its oil and gas industry, and now that industry has failed spectacularly. This would be like Jason Mamoa needing help opening a pickle jar,

which is probably why state officials and their allies on cable news are working so hard to blame someone else. The blackouts that are in Texas are being made worse by the failure of wind turbines, many freezing in the icy weather, cutting output in half, and it's raising questions about the Lone Star States increasing reliance on renewable energy. Energy producing wind turbines are freezing, not working. The windmills failed like the silly fashion accessories they are, and people in Texas thied. Think about if if we were in the AOC world. Fast forward 10 years and everything is solar, everything is wind.

If you don't have power to keep you warm, you're gonna, you're gonna die. A preview of what could happen if the AOC vision were reified throughout the United States. This shows how the Green New Deal would be a deadly deal for the United States of America. Okay, this, this is fucking insane. These guys are so desperate to just let fossil fuels off the hook that they're blaming AOC and the Green New Deal, which by the way hasn't even happened yet for something that's happening in Texas right now. But this just goes to show you no matter th th th. No no th. No no the th. No, which by the way hasn't even happened yet, for something that's happening in Texas right now.

But this just goes to show you, no matter what happens, no matter how far removed she is from the problem, conservatives can and will always find a way to blame the boogie man. Rick Perry could have broken his arm as a kid and he would have blamed it on AOC. Oh, my arm. Damn you, AOC! Oh, who's AOC, kid? She just hasn't been bored yet, but you wait, you'll see. Now, look, we can have an honest conversation about this and acknowledge that it is true that many wind turbines in the state did freeze during the storm.

But it's also fair to acknowledge that these wind turbines only account for 12% of the lost power in the state. Placing all the blame on wind power here is like blaming the jets record on the water boy. I mean, I guess he could have handed out water better, but I don't think that's why they lost. And even though these wind turbines failed in cold weather, that doesn't mean 't have turbines made for cold weather. The same way, it didn't have oil and gas plants made for cold weather. I mean, there are cars sliding all over the roads in Texas right now because nobody there has snow tires. But I don't hear the governor saying, wheels are unreliable, so we need to go back to Flintstone cars. So clearly all this conservative anger at AOC and green energy it's

disingenuous but the good news is it's led to an amazing breakthrough that might just solve Texas's energy problems forever. Here at Texas Energon we're developing energy that you can always depend on because our new technology draws power from America's most renewable resource, the insane hatred of AOC. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. Our environmentally friendly extraction methods allow our turbines to convert the most paranoid rantings about Representative Acazio Cortez into consistent power that will never run dry. If anything, we might get too much energy.

People like Alexanjo-Caseo-Cortez, these are important people, whether we like them or not. They have followings and people listen to them. And the future is bright, because soon, our technology will tap even more pockets of conservative anger, like cancel culture, mail-in ballots, and gay Disney characters. Texas Energon, their hatred is your heat. President Trump is determined to build the wall. We have to close down our government, we're building that wall. But Trump's wall would ruin fragile ecosystems, breed xenophobia, and even destroy something rich,

white people care about. If Trump builds his wall, then he'll go right through our golf course. If built, Trump's wall would cut right through an exclusive golf resort right here on the border in Brownsville, Texas. We're an 18-hole golf course, nested along the banks of the Rio Grande, as you see behind us. I don't mean to be rude, but I believe it's Rio Grande. Potato, potato. It's potato.

No one says potato. And for Jeremy, this isn't just a job. It's a dream. We grew up playing this golf course. This is a place where I want to do establish my career and let my kids grow up, but you can't have a golf course with only three holes. Yeah, three holes are only good for one thing. You know, we'd have to see... Talking about sex. Sorry you were talking about. Yeah, if Trump builds his wall, we would lose everything completely. Right.

I just don't think it's fair. Which is why Jeremy is tirelessly speaking out against Trump's number one policy. As one of the walls' victims, he never could have seen it coming. I actually voted for President Trump. You voted for Trump. Yes, ma'am. I think Trump truly cares about the American people and what he campaigned on is stuff, I believe, and agreed with.

Except for the destroying your business part. Except for the destroying the business part. And it just felt like it was time for something different. Oh my God. Why are you complaining? He is literally doing the thing that you voted for. You know, Trump is a salesman, you know, so we figured it was a metaphorical wall. You thought he was talking about a metaphorical wall. Right, not an actual physical wall.

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Didn't Trump say, It will be a real wall. Just maybe once or twice. July 2, 2015, we must build a wall. Just maybe once or twice. July 2nd, 2015. We must build a wall. July 28, 2015. We must have a wall. June 6th, 2015.

Nobody can build a wall like Trump. August 5th, 2014. Build a wall. November 19th, 2015. We need a big and beautiful wall. August 30th, 2016, I saw another one. From day one, I said I was going to build a great wall on the southern border. August 25th, 2015, it's not a fence, Jeb, it's a wall. You think those were all metaphors? I think all of them could point to something

that is a metaphor. None of those point to an actual structural wall. And yet for someone so convinced Trump's wall was just a high school English class- th wall th wall th wall th wall th wall th wall th wall th wall th wall th wall th wall those point to an actual structural wall. And yet, for someone so convinced Trump's wall was just a high school English class literary device, he failed to point out that there's already a very real border fence just outside of his property. And it's definitely not a metaphor. So if you could go back in time and go, it's a real wall, what would you do differently? What would you do differently? You know, I'm not sure there's much we would do differently. I'd still look for Trump.

Unbelievable. For Jeremy and millions of Trump supporters just like him, there's nothing Trump could do wrong. Except one thing. You know, seeing that video of Trump, driving on the green at Trump National, it really just breaks your heart as a golf course owner. It's the driving on the green, not the Muslim ban or the leaking information to Russia, or the destroying your business.

Yeah, I mean, it's just, these are a hundred thousand dollar greens and you're just kind of being really inconsiderate about them. So there you have it from the mouth of a Trump supporter whose career will probably be destroyed by his own vote. Keep up the good work, Mr. President. Just stay off the green. Are you not supposed to do that? Sorry. Sorry. Oh, and watch out for stray balls. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it.

This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at, that's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News, listened to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. I'm in Corpus Christi, Texas where the local co-leadjure attorney, Mark Gonzalez, is also a member of...

Can anyone even understand me over the sound of this massive chopper? I'm here in Corpus Christi where rumors suggest that a dangerous Mexican biker gang has managed to install one of their members, Mark Gonzalez, as the local district attorney. So I'm going undercover with the gang, to blow this story wide open. Subtlechon. Sup munchachos. Using my Alpha Mill magnetism, I'm going to win the trust of the gang's president to get him to admit that Mark Gonzalez is one of them. How you doing? How you doing, sir? Take your fucking glove off before you shake a man's hand, brother.

What about high fives? A high fives? What do you know about Mark Gonzalez? I'm known him for many years. You're an honest person? And the Mar Gonzalez, who is the district attorney? Is a member, is a member, is a member, is a member, is a member, is a member, is a member, is a member, is a member, is a member, is a member, is a member, is a member, a member, a member, is a member, a member, a member, a member, a member, is a member, a member honest person. And Mark Gonzalez, who is the district attorney, is a member of your... Correct. We're proud of it. Am I right, my brothers? Bingo.

Getting these hog jockeys to rat out their guy on the inside was almost too easy. Now to use that information to force a confession from the man himself. Isn't it true that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that the from the man himself. Isn't it true that you, Mark Gonzalez, an elected DA and top law enforcement officer are also a member of the Calaveras gang? Yes. Got it. We got everybody.

We got you. the reign of terror ends now. Everybody knows this. This is nothing near. Our club is not a gang. But are you guys all Mexican? Uh, most of us are Mexican. Oh, there you go. That's a gang? Yeah, uh, no. So why do you think the people elected you then?

I think it's because I ran on a platform of criminal justice reform. Criminal justice reform? Apparently, Mark campaigned on eliminating jail time for minor offenses and providing treatment and community service for drug violations. Basically, he's creating a society without punishment and it's free ice cream. No, what we're trying to do is not put people in prison when they don't really belong there. But if we don't have harsh laws, people won't be deterred from being dicks. Like, what's to stop me from doing this shit?

Well, the... If there's no deterrence. Anyone can be a dick, look, I can be the biggest dick I want. You are being kind of a dick. Yeah, and guess what? I'm not scared because nothing's going to happen to me. No, what I'm suggesting is that if you break the law and it's a serious offense and somebody loses their life or gets hurt, you're probably going to go to prison. But if you make a minor mistake, want you to learn from your lesson, grow out of the criminal activity and move on. So instead of inflicting maximum punishment on criminals, the law should rehabilitate

them? Could the suckers who elect a Gonzales really support this week on, the toguance? agenda? This is America, okay? We find people who commit crimes and then we lock them up forever. Yeah, that's why there's a lot of people innocent in jail and that's why our jails are so full. I don't think that a small amount of marijuana is going is worth putting somebody in jail for or ruining their life. If you have the stigma of a bad record in the past, that's it, stuck with you don't care if you've been good th years. So you don't think people should be defined by that one mistake? No. You ever making mistakes, you know what? No.

That's too bad. You've learned something. For some reason, Mark's policies of decriminalizing minor offenses seem to be supported by the citizens of Corpus Christi, which left me with another question. What the fuck is wrong with the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people the people in the people in the people in the people in the people in the fuck is wrong with the people in this county? They knew you were a gang member. They knew you were soft on crime, and they still elected you. I'm just like them. Just because I hold them in office now, doesn't make me any different than the people that actually elected me.

Most politicians forget that. They think that they're above those individuals. I don't. My JCPenny suit, my tattoos. How many tattoos do you have? I got a lot. Oh, can I see them? I'm not going to show you my tattoos? Why? What's the problem?

Do you have a tattoo on your penis? I have a tattoo on your penis. I have tattooos on your penis. tooo? higher above my penis. Let's start there and work our way down. No, no, we're not gonna work our way down at all. After hours of painful negotiations, Gonzales finally broke down. It's a little weird one. No, it's not. I'd do it all the time. That's pretty cool. Do you want to see my tattoo? Sure, I want to see your tattoo. Sure, I want to see your tattoo. That's cool. That's cool. Hey boys. Taking my shirt off with the district attorney made me realize something.

Just because you're a tattoo criminal gang member doesn't mean you can't also be a great DA. And just because you're a smart, handsome, Asian journalist doesn't mean you can't join a dangerous Mexican biker gang, I mean club club See you losers in the emergency room Donald Trump's border wall. It's been keeping Congress busy for months. But just this week they finally made a deal to give Trump 1.4 billion dollars for 55 miles of new barriers. Yes, and they also threw in 50 dollars to get Trump a pair.4 billion for 55 miles of new barriers. Yes.

And they also threw in $50 to get Trump a pair of throat panties. It's like, fantastic. Now I can finally cover up my neck vagina. Now remember, $1.4 billion is a lot less than Trump originally wanted. So the question is, is this enough money for the wall? Well, who better to ask this question to than the official,,, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, and tho, and tho, and tho, and thro, and tho, and tho, and tho, and tho, and tho, and tho, and tho, and tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho. to to to to too. And too. And, tooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. too. And, too. And, too question is, is this enough money for the wall? Well, who better to ask this question to than the official mascot for Donald Trump's border wall? Bricky the border wall, everybody.

Welcome back, Bricky. Thanks, Trevor. Build the me. Well, we don't do that chance yet, Bricky. Thanks for joining us again. Bricky, how are you feeling about this new funding deal? Well, I'm getting a billion dollars, Trevor. I'm so excited. I'm hard as concrete right now.

Well, it's actually funny you'd mention concrete, Bricky, because the bill actually says that the wall might be made out of steel slats, so it might not even be a wall wall. Oh, I'm not prejudiced, Trevor. I don't care if you're steel, concrete, or asbestos. I don't see building materials. The important thing is we all come together and keep out those god damn dirty Mexicans. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, sorry, I shouldn't have said, God damn dirty Mexicans. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Bricky.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said, God damn. No, I've told you your xenophobia is not welcome at the show. Well, you know where it is welcome, at a Donald Trump rally, which is why I went down to his, Build the Wall rally in El Paso this week. Check it out. Boohoo-doo! Hi friends, I'm Bricky, the big beautiful wall. Or Mr. Bricks, if you're nasty.

I'm here in El Paso, with thousands of Patriots. Buh! Hey, you can't just walk around me. You're making me feel like I'm a big waste of money. Oh, God damn it. And we're all here to see our president. El Paso, thank you very much. No, thank you, Mr. President. You see, President Trump and his supporters

understand exactly why we need to build me. That's what we need to keep all the illegals out. You don't know who the people are. There could be a terrorist or something, you know, mixed time. You know, I mean. Some of them may even have hooks as hands. Yeah, very true. I heard when there was no wall, immigrants would just swim across the Arianna Grande and be right here in El Paso. Oh yeah. I met a man two weeks ago that work, thi was thua thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thi thi that that that thi that thi that that that thi that's thi thi that's thi that's thate thate the the the the thi, thu, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, thu, thu, the thu, thu, thu thu thu thu thu, thu, thu, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to be to be to be theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to bea to be to be the the the the the two weeks ago that is working construction on the wall in New Mexico. He watched 180 people all dressed in black with black on their face and weapons start coming

across the border. Oh great! Now Mexico has ninjas? What percentage of that caravan do you think works for ISIS? Ooh! They also heard about the illegal passports that caravan do you think works for ISIS? They also heard about the illegal passports that Venezuela was selling, selling a bunch to ISIS, letting them believe that those people were Hispanic when they're not. I can't wait for these ISIS guys to join a caravan and walk over a thousand miles, but then

they give up when they see me the wall. Yes, yes, yes, you betcha. But don't worry, Trump's people have some bold ideas of how we can build the perfect me. The beauty of the wall we're going to build, this is going to be harder to get over. Especially when it has some beautiful barb wire in top like that. Electrified would be great. They also have glass, broken glass, the the the tha tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, th, thia, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, thro, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. And, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. And, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thro, thro, throooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, th. There's all kinds of solutions. Well, I've actually been to Israel and I've seen the concrete barriers between Israel and the West Bank. I never saw a single person scale that wall. So... It's not like they have any problems, am I right? But what about all them Democrats that say illegal immigrants are going to climb under the wall. Booboo!

Well, then they deserve to get shot. These people are full of great ideas. Just one problem. Those liberals in Congress are only given our president $1 billion. They're stiffen Trump like he's one of his own contractors. But you know who's really going to pay for the rest? Mexico! How is Trump going to get Mexico to pay for me? You got all the drug cartel money, you take it away out the border, all them drugs and all that money that gets confiscated. Yeah,

sell some drugs to fund me. Say hello to my leaked on plan. How is Mexico going to pay, Gary? Tax on the border for goods coming in. Okay. Tariffs. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. How th. th. How th. How th. How th. How th. How is th. How is th. How is tra, tra, tra. How is th. How is tra, tra, tra, how is tr. How is tr. How is tr. How is tr. How is tr. How is tr. How is tr. How is tr. How is tr. How is tre. How is tre. How is tre. How is tre. How is tre. How is tre. How is th. How is th. How is th. How is th. How is th. How is tr. How is tr. How is tr. How is tr. How is true. How is true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. How is going to pay, Gary? Tax on the border for goods coming in. Okay. Tariffs. But what about the dumb Democrat idea that putting a tariff on an import actually hurts the country that receives it right here? That's absolutely fake news. It must be nice to just say things are fake news, right? Absolutely it is.

No worry, Mexico will pay for these. And after they asked me to leave the rally, but you're separated me from my family. I just had one last stop on my journey to the borderland. I love your work. Only 1,200 miles of me to go. Boo-bidi-boo! The Daily Show with Trevor Noah Ears Edition. Subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and stream full episodes any time on Paramount Plus. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes.

It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling? But that's all about to change. Like, none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple Podcasts starting September 17.

This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.