The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Eye On The New Hampshire Primary

Episode Date: January 23, 2024

Trevor Noah covers The 2020 New Hampshire Primary, and Ronny Chieng finds out how the state is preparing to avoid another Iowa debacle. And Stephen Colbert is struck by how angry the New Hampshire voters are, and Jon announces the winner of the 2000 primary.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official survivor podcast on fire. And this season we are joined by fan favorite and Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie, Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here, and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire the official survivor podcast starting September 18th wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. New Hampshire it's the state always asking Vermont to do something about the weed smell. But today they were the state holding the second democratic primary. and because normally the most exciting things to do in New the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the But today, they were the state holding the second democratic primary.

And because normally, the most exciting thing to do in New Hampshire is watch mountains grow, Election Day gets the people going like nothing else. After months of campaigning and millions of dollars in TV ads, it all comes down to this. Voters here in New Hampshire already heading to the polls. Overnight in New Hampshires, the the the the the the the thia, thia, thia, thia, thia, thia, thia, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the, tho, toe, too, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, to already heading to the polls. Overnight in New Hampshire, the first votes were cast in the Granite State, as they've done for decades, the tiny town of Dixville Notch went to the polls at midnight. We were in Exeter, New Hampshire, at the town hall there. It was beyond capacity. People have been coming in here all day. They've been lined up since 5 a.m. this morning. They vote for sport here in New Hampshire. I have voted for Warren. Stire. Why? He's cute. No, he seems like he can tackle Trump. I voted for Bernie. I voted for Amy Clovershore. Tell me why? I actually would in and Eny,

Meany, Minnie, mighty mode it. You're kidding. No, between two candidates. In the booth. Whoa. Emy, me, mean, mini, mini mo mo mo mo mo mo mo mo mo mo mo, mo. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. I. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I. I. I. I. I. the booth. Whoa. Eny, me, miny, moe. That's not how you should pick your potential future president. Although it is how the president picks his spray tan shade for the day. It's like, eny, mini, miny, mo. Ooh, crambulet sounds fancy. So fancy. So, New Hampshire voters spent the day carefully deciding who they want to be the Democratic nominee.

But of course, none of the votes matter if they aren't counted correctly, Iowa. Luckily, according to state officials, they've got this thing under control. New Hampshire's Secretary of State Bill Gardner, he told us he slept well last night and today's voting will be simple and secure. Keep it simple. Keep the moving parts, the smallest, to to to to to to to to to the small, to to the small, to to the smallest, to to to to the smallest, to to the smallest, to to the smallest, the sm to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be the dem to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the dem the number the number the number the number the number the number the number the number the smoenocococunocu.au.au.au.au.aucoliceu.au.au.eu.eu.eu.eu.eucococ.au.eu.au.au.au.au. and secure. Keep it simple. Keep the moving parts, the smallest number you can. Could this be hacked in any way? You can't hack a pencil. How many apps do you have involved in this process? We don't have any apps involved in any of the tabulating of the comments. No apps? It's an app free election you can guarantee that. Yes. You know, it's funny how a few th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th thi th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to toeeeeeeauuuu. toeauu. to toeea. thea. thea. the. No apps. No apps. It's an app-free election, you can guarantee that.

Yes. You know, it's funny how a few years ago, people were like, guys, we need to vote with our phones. It's the future, but now, thanks to the disaster in Iowa, it's like, we're going back to how our forefathers did this, okay? Everyone gets one rock and we're thoan one..... the too far back too far? Sorry, too far back For more on New Hampshire's big day We go now to our correspondent who is live in the Granite State right now Michael Costa everybody

Michael Costa everybody You're on the ground in New Hampshire. What is the energy like? Hey Trevor, I am not going to lie today. Today's been pretty stressful for the democratic candidates. In fact, Joe Biden was so tens, tens, tens, tens, tens, tens, tens, tens, tens, tens, tens, to thin, to thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the tho the the tho tho tho tho tho to to to to I am not gonna lie. Today's been pretty stressful for the Democratic candidates. In fact, Joe Biden was so tense, he gave himself a surprise massage. Well, it makes sense, Costa, because thanks to Iowa, there's so much more writing on this primary. Well, not only that, but the candidates have had only one week to completely change their cultural messaging because Iowa is mostly white people but New Hampshire is mostly white people. Cost I don't I don't get the difference it sounds like both states are just a

bunch of white people. Wow Trevor just a bunch of white people that is so insulting. First off it's not a bunch. The collective noun for white people is a gluten of white people. And second, white people are not a monolith. We are a rich tapestry of ethnic diversity. Let me show you on my Caucasian color wheel. Now, see, the New Hampshire white people fall here in the egg shell section, while the Iowa whites are all the way over here in the eggshell section while the Iowa whites are all the way over here in the oatmeal cream section. Costa that's just basically a

blank circle. White is not blank, Trevor. Zero is not nothing. Free to go is not innocent of all charges, although you do hear that a lot when you're white. I mean, how would you feel if I said there was no difference between black people in South Africa and black people in... What's another country with black people? Well, there's this one. Okay, this one? I never heard of it, but I'm sure this one is a beautiful country. Okay, look, Costa, I'm not saying there's no difference. I just don't understand how the candidates campaign differently in New Hampshire versus Iowa.

It's a totally different ball game. For example, in Iowa, you can say, it's great to be here in Iowa, but that's not going to fly in New Hampshire. Yeah, are you right? That does seem like a challenge. And then there's the voters. Remember, you're the voters, you're the voters. Remember, you're the voters. Remember, you're the voters. the voters. the voters. to the voters. to to to to to the voters. I's to to thoeoeoeoe. I'm to to thoe. to thoe. thoes the the thoe. I's thoes thoes the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I th. I th. I's th. I's the. I's the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. thean. thean. too. tean. tean. today. today. today. today. the. thean. thean. the voters. Remember, you're talking to very different groups of people. Iowans are rural, while New Hampshire rights are not urban. Okay? Iowans are blue-collar, but New Hampshireians are working class.

Plus, Iowans call it pop, and New Hampshireinos call it soda. They're basically different planets. I don't know about that, Michael. A lot of people don't agree with your assessment. For instance, how would you respond to the criticism that these predominantly white states aren't the best states to kick off the primaries? Because these candidates could be starting in a more representative state of the country, like California or Florida?

I hear what you're saying, Trevor. And yes, Iowa and New Hampshire are white. But hear me me me me me me me me they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they are all they are all they are all they are all they are all all they are all all they are all all they are all all all they are all all all they are all all they're all they're saying, Trevor. And yes, Iowa and New Hampshire are white. But hear me out. They're all so boring as hell, okay? And that's what we want. We don't want our candidates going to fun states like Florida or California. If you've got to spend a year campaigning in Miami,

everyone would be running for president. But if you're willing to spend a year eating bland food and sub-zero temperatures pretending to care about how big a pumpkin is? That's how I know you really want to be president, okay? And that's why the road to the White House has to go through here, Des Moines, Iowa. No Costa, you're in New Hampshire. What? No, who cares? These places are all the fucking same anyway. I'm here in New Hampshire, the Live Free or Die State, and right now it's so cold I feel like dying. After the DNC shat the bed in Iowa's caucuses, New Hampshire has a real chance to be the

first state in the nation to lead the presidential nomination process. I'm here at the State Capitol to find out more. So f-fold cold. The only results out of the Iowa caucuses was just how bad they blew it. This is an unmitigated disaster. It could not be more of a disaster. Nightmare disaster. Disaster. This is the death knell.

If it's not the death knell, somebody should get fired. So now the pressure is on New Hampshire to get right. All eyes now turn to the newhamp-I primary primary primary primary primary primary primary primary primary primary primary primary primary primary. to to to to to to the state. to the state. to the state. to the state. to the state. to to the the the to the the to the the the to be the the the the the the tooome. the the the the the the the now turn to the New Hampshire primary. It's going to be the most important primary in the cycle. I searched the statehouse to make sure the people in charge were hard at work. Hello. Where the hell is everybody? This place was emptier than the DNC's bowels after they shit all over themselves in Iowa. Turns out, the governor was calling a very important last-minute press conference to explain how New Hampshire is the best at elections.

We hadn't really planned for this, so we crashed a presser, TMZ style. Turns out you can get in anywhere with a suit and a camera crew. You could sense that there was more at stake in this primary than usual. Our press court seems to have grown. The governor and what appeared to be all the Democratic candidates came out to deliver their remarks. Warren, Bernie, Yang. This press conference had everything, an old man wandering around clearly confused. A PowerPoint presentation with voting clip art. And of course, a guy live streaming this on Facebook for likes.

Well, thank you very much. We're going to open it up for questions. Finally, the governor of New Hampshire took out questions. After a couple of softballs, I found my chance to ask the only question that Americans actually wanted to know. Mr. Governor, Mr. Governor, after the, thank you................................................................................ to. to. to. to. to. to...... to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to........................................................................................................................................................................................ Mr. Governor, Mr. Governor, after the, thank you, after the disaster in Iowa, are you able to promise the people of New Hampshire and the nation that New Hampshire will not f*** this up? New Hampshire is going to get it right. We've gone it right for a hundred years, we're going

to keep getting it right. The governor's non-answer only raised more questions. Mr. Governor, if this goes off out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their is is their is their is their is their is their is a their their their thiii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. toea. th. th. th. th. th. thiii. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. Governor, if this goes off without a hitch, how do you plan on gloating to Iowa? Are you willing to go on the record to say that Iowa sucks and New Hampshire rocks? Can you assure your citizens that your votes will be counted unless they're forburning? I guess we'll have to wait to get our questions answered. Mr. Governor, who are you voting for, Mr. Governor? Will New Hampshire be a corn-fed, clu-c-c-c-cler-cied-cler-cured-cured-cined-cined-cene-cene-cene-cene-cene-cene-cene-oe-oe-o-o-o-cene-o-o-o-o-o-o-oome-oome. to-o-oome. to-s? to-i-s. to-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ii-iiii-iiii-iiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiii-iiiii-ii-ii-i-i-s? toee? toease? toease? to-s. to-s. to-s. to-s. to-s. to-s. to-siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-wovoi-c. to-c. ix like Iowa. Only time will tell. But am I excited to get out of this freezing political pony show hellhole? I vote yes. Streaming soon on Paramount Plus.

This is Dr. Frazier Crane. I'm listening. He's back again. Hey, dad, I got a question about punctuation. And he's more Frazier than ever. How do I look? Rich. Just th th th th th th th th th th th th th th they th they they they th th they they th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th the the the the's tho's the the that the's tho's thozy. thozy. tho tho th. th. th. th. th. th. tho tho th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. thea. thea' thea'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'erer. toea'a'a'a'a'a'a'a more Frazier than ever. How do I look? Rich. Just what I was going before. Oh my God they traded your baby for wine! Do you really think we would trade John for white Zinfandel or any wine? Frazier, new season streaming September 19th on Paramount Plus. Coming out of the Iowa primary, the big winners were Bernie Sanders, Pete Budaje

and anyone who didn't build that shitty app. And last night in New Hampshire, those top two kept their momentum going. With a win in New Hampshire, Senator Bernie Sanders taking control as the Democratic front runner. But not too far behind him, Pete Buddegj. Despite winning the popular vote in both Iowa and New Hampshire, Sanders is behind in the overall delegate race by two. One of the night's other big winners, Senator Amy Klopashar, who took third place. She capitalized on the moment by reintroducing herself to the country. Hello, America.

I'm Amy Klobuchar, and I will beat Donald Trump. Yes, last night may have been the best night for Bernie Sanders since he won that free cruise on Noah's Ark. But New Hampshire's biggest surprise was Amy Clovershaw, who burst into the national spotlight with a third place finish. And the timing couldn't be better for Clobysh. Because in many ways, you see, the presidential campaigns are like getting drunk at a party.

Right? You want to peek at the right time. See, the other candidates, they had their surge last year, which was too early. It's like getting wasted at 6 p. the th. th. th. th. the the th. th. their. their. their. th. th. their. th. th. th. th. th. thi. t. thea. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. ti. tha. tha. tha. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. t. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti.e. ti.e.e.e. ti. ti. And. And. And. And getting wasted at 6 p.m. Yeah. Because by the time the party's really going, you're puking in the bushes. Like, oh, I'm so, I'm so sorry I didn't base myself. I promise I'll do better in South Carolina. So there's no denying that New Hampshire was great for Amy Klobuchar's campaign. And it was also a great night for news people who love wordplay. Senator Amy Klobuchar wrote the Clomentum. Are you feeling Clomentum? Clomentum.

Clomentum. Clomentum. Clob-you charged. Clobe you charge. Clobe you surge. They call it Clowmotion. Is there Clomentum? Oh, this is fun.

I want to try. It's clobering time. Yeah, yeah. She gave them the old clopadope. Yeah, New Hampshire has an outbreak of chlomidia. All right, I'm done, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. She killed it like Clojay Simpson. Okay, I'm done. I'm done. No more. No more, no more, no more. No more.

So for Bernie, Budaje and Klobuchar, New Hampshire was a dream. But unfortunately for some other big name candidates, it turned into a nightmare. Another major New Hampshire headline, the candidates who fell far behind, including long-time national frontrunner Joe Biden and Senator Elizabeth Warren, both failed to get enough votes to earn any delegates. Before the race was called, Biden who placed fifth, was on a plane to South Carolina, which will hold the nation's next primary. Biden saw the writing on the wall.

He had left, even before the polls had closed, live streaming into his campaign's New Hampshire Watch Party. Oh, Joe Biden left New Hampshire before the polls were even closed? I mean I've heard of fans leaving the game early, but you know it's bad when the team leaves early to beat the traffic. The coach is just like, all right guys, screw the fourth quarter, let's just start the bus. I also feel especially bad for Biden's supporters, I'll say that.

Think about it, you came all the way out to see your candidate and then instead all you get is a video. Imagine you were in like the dentist chair and your doctor pops up on the screen like, Aloha from Hawaii. Here are three simple steps to perform your own root canal. So while Biden supporters wept frozen New Hampshire tears, the man himself was already in South Carolina looking toward the future. Joe Biden spent his night in South Carolina. His campaign is staking survival on his strength with black voters.

I want you all think of a number. 99.9 percent. That's the percentage of African American voters who have not yet had a chance to vote in America. Up till now, we haven't heard from the most committed constituents of the Democratic Party, the African-American community. That's right. Joe Biden's campaign has basically become a Medea movie. If black people don't turn up, it's toast. And even though he's desperate, Biden does make a good point. It is a little weird, you have to admit, it is a little weird that the story of the Democratic race has now been

written by two states that aren't representative of the Democratic Party. Think about it. Two overwhelmingly white states shape who the democratic nominee will be. Then that's long before minority voters have had their say. It's almost as if the Democratic Party is having a buffet, but then white people get to pick the menu. And if you're black, that sucks, because you get then, you're just like, man, why the hell is there raisins and everything, man? And who the fuck is broccoli rob?

So that's that's that's where's where's where's where's where's where's where's where's where's where that's the race that's that's that's the race the race the race that's the race the race the race the race the race the race So that's where the race stands after two primaries. Budajjjjj and Bernie are neck and neck and all the other candidates are hoping for a boost in Nevada and South Carolina. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for us to go away for a clomershal break. Get it? All right, we'll be right back. Now that you know who won, we want to give you a flavor, the excitement up in New Hampshire. We're going to go now live to our senior political analyst, Stephen Colbert. Now, Stephen, thanks for joining us. You're actually in Dixville-Notch, New Hampshire, and that's the town that traditionally cast the first votes of the primary at midnight the night before. Yes John, fascinating story behind that tradition, I can only assume. First of all, it's even glad to see you're all

bundled up. It must be awfully cold up there. Oh yes John. Oh Oh, for a witch's tit with which to warm myself on this historic New Hampshire evening. So cold you can't even see your breath. It's too cold, John. Now, Stephen, do you think this clearly very nasty weather will affect the outcome of the primary? Oh, not really, John. Kerry, Dean, Clark, Lieberman,

their people have worked far too hard to let a little cold weather keep them from the polling stations. And what about Edwards? His people are pussies, John. Anything below 40 degrees, they just go back to bed. Oh, Lordy, pull up the duvet. I'm a hot house flower whose roots are getting frosted. Stephen.

In talking with people as they left the voting booth, what struck you most about the mood of these voters? I would say the anger, John. Democrats here are very angry. At the president? No, at me, John. Me and my fellow journalists. You see, locals know that to those of us in the press corps No it me, John. Me and my fellow journalists. You see, locals know that to those of us in the press corps,

New Hampshireites are merely the people whom we ambush outside PTA meetings, extracting soundbites from reluctant dairy farmers, whose opinions we will discard like yesterday's bum wipe. Man on the streeting them in sub-zero weather on their way to refill their insulin prescriptions, and exit polling the elderly the elderly the elderly the elderly the elderly the elderly the elderly the elderly the elderly the elderly their way to refill their insulin prescriptions, and exit polling the elderly for hours. Hours they'll never get back. Hours they could have spent loving their grandchildren.

Why do they put up with that? Oh, who knows what's going on in their chowdered heads, John? All I do know is, every four years, these beflanneled granite staters...ters?...ers? thirs..... thirs? thirs? thirs. thers. thers. theirs. theirs. theirs. theirs. theirs. theirs. theirs. theirs, theirs, theirs, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their, their. their. their. their. Hours, their. Hours, their. Hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, hours, they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they? they they they're they're thi. thi. tho their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their theirered heads, John. All I do know is, every four years, these beflanneled granite staters give me the footage I need that I then send to you so that you will send me a check. And for that, well, I will never repay them. John. Thank you, Stephen, stay warm. Stephen Colbert in New Hampshire. Well done.

We're now ready to go public with the results of the New Hampshire primary. Thank you. Oh, please. Can I help it if we're a machine? So let's take a look. Let's take a look. On the Republican side, Arizona Senator John McCain was the big winner. Earning a stunning 19% upset victory over George W. Bush. Thus following in the triumphant footsteps of political dynamos, Pat Buchanan and Paul

Songus. And now, the next president of New Hampshire. A woman stood up and looked me straight in the eye. It's extremely important, she said, that the next president of the United States, always tell me the in the eye. It's extremely important, she said, that the next president of the United States always tell me the truth." To which McCain replied, okay, A, I was drunk last night,

and B, I'm not gonna call you. Taking the stage with the victorious McCain was his wife's face, hovering above a sea of radiant blue. For his part, Bush was quick to dismiss the importance of Tuesday's results. The road to the Republican nomination, and the White House is a long road. Mine will go through all 50 states and I intend it to end at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Where it's widely believed he will be locked out by whoever lives there. Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcast. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes

anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official Survivor Podcast on Fire. And this season we are joined by fan favorite and Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie Davis, to bring you even further inside the action. Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here, and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire, the official Survivor podcast starting September 18th, wherever you get your podcast.