The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Hasan Minhaj On The East Palestine Blame Game

Episode Date: March 2, 2023

Hasan Minhaj tackles the day's biggest news including many McDonald's chains not offering the Cardi B and Offset meal, and the partisan blame game around the East Palestine train derailment.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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egos and accounts of the extraordinary power of decency. Listen on the I-Heart radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. You're listening to Comedy Central. This is the Daily Show with your host, Hossin Menhaz. Welcome to the Daily Show! I'm your host Hussein Minhaj, nice to see you. Yes, settle in, listen. It's night three for me behind the desk, and I gotta say, it's been so great this week catching up with old friends, and also, Ronnie Chang. But, we've got a great show for you tonight, so let's get into headlines.

Let's start off with McDonald's, the only thing that's invaded more countries than America. Some McDonald's franchisees are pushing back against a new corporate ad campaign called Famous Orders, which lets famous people like Cardi B. B. Create new menu items. Some restaurant owners worry that Cardi B promotion is not compatible with McDonald's decades long history as a family-friendly restaurant. One franchisee in San Jose who's participating said, you know, the fact that we can't talk about the song that we're objecting to, because we can't use the title.

Says something. Oh, hold on. Do these guys have a problem with WOP? Because you know every burger comes with wet-ass pickles. This is a normal thing. Don't take the moral high ground. Not to mention Mickey D's. One of your mascots is a burglar, and the other one is a purple butt plug. And you're worried about Cardi V?

All right, let's move on to our big story tonight. The train derailment in East Palestine. Yeah, sad. Very sad. But today, a bipartisan group of senators introduced safety legislation to, you know, actually try to solve the problem, which is so refreshing because for the past three weeks, all we've heard is pundits and politicians playing the blame game. But where's President Biden?

Instead of going to Ohio, President Biden is heading home to Delaware to relax after his big Ukraine trip. We're here because of all the deregulation of the train industry during the Trump administration. Joe Biden will probably never visit, you know, he doesn't seem to care what's happening in Ohio. Pete Buda Judge is a disgrace. It was him! It was Donald Trump and his administration. I think the people on East Palestine, Ohio should put Ukraine flags in their yard and maybe Biden would pay attention. Okay, all of you shut up, wait!

This feels like watching your parents fight in the kitchen, and they're both being idiots for different reasons. Listen, Republicans, listen to me. You guys love deregulation, but suddenly you now care about rail safety? Little ironic. Also, you really think Joe Biden taking a tragedy selfie would make the situation any better? Democrats, listen to me. As of now, March 1st, there is zero indication that Trump's policies cause this whole derailment.

So you cannot touchdown dance. But also, what the fuck are you guys doing? How do you fumble the optics game every time? Why didn't you send Joe Biden to take a tragedy selfie? Even a moron like Donald Trump managed to do it. Trump pulled up to McDonald's and started handing out hats and happy meals. Democrats, you waited three weeks and you sent Pete Budajjjdjdress like Bob the Builder, he's the 12th man on your depth chart. Send Kamala. What the

fuck is Kamala doing? We want to see her. Just for proof of life. Kamala, take an Instagram reel of you feeding an Appalachian kid, okay? Easy. Now here's the real issue. Nobody should be trying to win a train derailment. Okay? We had about five seconds of empathy before this whole thing turned into another partisan prize fight. It's almost like everyone in politics and the media said, hey, how will people have empathy if we don't tell them who to blame? You don't always have to find a villain

because the truth is much like me. It's not always black and white. For more on the partisan fallout from trained to real me, let's turn to Dulce Sloan, Dulce! Listen. Hi. Hi. thus,

they're saying. Yeah. But don't you think the whole blame game is just terrible. They love you. Stop losing? Hi friend. Yeah. But don't you think the whole blame game is just terrible? Actually, I don't think it's gone far enough. There's a lot more blame to go around. People are blaming Democrats and Republicans, but we're not blaming the real villain.

You're so right. It's our own inability to empathize. No, dumb, dumb. We gotta blame these trains. Wait, what? Thomas and the rest of them, Mother's shit. Yeah? Yeah.

Don't Thomas, the ta- We don't need them. Listen, a train is just a bus that goes less places. And I don't even look good. It's just a bunch of little cars sniff at each other's butts. That is a horrifying image. Absolutely, yes. But you can't just blame trains as a whole. Yes, I can.

I also blame the inventor. British engineer George Stevenson. You think you can get away with this? Inventing the locomotive in 1804? No, sir! Okay? We are digging your ass up and kicking it all over the cemetery. All right?

Revenge for Ohio! Revenge! Wait, no, what is going on? Doce, you are reaching here to find anyone to blame. Ah, you get it awfully defensive. Ha-Shaen? No, I'm not. Maybe you had something to do with this.

Where were you when a derailment happened, Mr. Laj? I was doing comedy. I was doing comedy. He ain't doing comedy. Uh-huh. You were somewhere making people laugh with the ha-highs and a joke jokes? Hmm. Can you believe this man? He was making jokes at a time of national tragedy. How dare you?

Is that why you came here? I said, no be shy? What? Listen, I want everybody to acknowledge this brown man. Oh my God. This Muslim man, this brown, Muslim man, is responsible for that drain jumping out of the tracks like an opportunity. Yes, yes, everyone, boo, boo, hussin.

Come on! What is going? No, no, no, no, what are you doing? Stop it! Whoa, no, no, no, no, did you DM Roddy? Stop it! Stop! Of course this is right now.

You're getting everybody worked up. This is how the whole thing works. Yes. The media machine, you smell in great It's the best way to solve any problem. See when you blame someone You don't have to take any action. There's no need to reflect you simply ask the question who's responsible? Whose fault is this? And it doesn't matter who it is because the important thing is, it ain't me. Don't you.

So, Hasson apologized. So, Hasson apologized. Don't you want Hasson to apologize? Don't you want Hasson to apologize? Apologize to the good people, the American people, about derailing a train in Ohio.

Okay, America, I'm sorry for... Mm-hmm. Being responsible for the train derailment in East Palestine. I don't know. It felt forced. It was forced. And that's the problem because you, you, need to take responsibility. Okay, you know what, thank you so much, Dolce.

Fine. I take responsibility. All right. When we come back, I'm going finally solve my Twitter addiction, so don't go away. try and get together. Thank you. to get out of their own. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast.

And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter's smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, Zip Recruiters' powerful matching technology starts showing you qualified people for it, and you can use Zip Recruiter's pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address, zip recruiter.com slash zip. Again that zip recruiter. The smartest way to hire. It's been said that nice guys finish last. But is that really true? I'm Tim Harford host of of The Cautionary Tales

podcast, and I'm exploring that very question. Join me for my new miniseries on the Art of Fairness. We'll travel from New York to Tahiti to India on a quest to learn how to succeed without being a jerk. We'll examine stories of villains undone by their villainy and monstrous self-devaring egos and will delve into the extraordinary power of decency. We'll face mutiny on the vast Pacific Ocean, blaze a trail with a pioneering skyscraper, and dare to confront a formidable empire.

The art of fairness on on Cautionary Tales. Listen on the IHart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to the Daily Show. Tonight, I want to share something that's on my mind. Let me ask you guys a question. Who hears on Twitter? Okay. I... that's too many people. The guy, the guy who said no, that's a normal person right there.

I trust you. Now, by now, you probably know Elon Musk recently bought Twitter for $44 billion. Yeah, and since Elon's takeover, all I see on Twitter is... Twitter sucks. We should leave Twitter. Elon ruined Twitter. But here's the thing, guys. Elon didn't make Twitter terrible.

Twitter has been terrible for years. Because of us. Nah, you can't dunk on Elon. It's us. Twitter is the shidiest platform on planet Earth. It's worse than Tinder, and Tinder gives you genital herpes, okay? But as bad as it gets,

no one ever leaves. Oh, but Huwen, I can't leave Twitter. It's the digital town square. No it's not. Twitter is not a town square. It's Times Square. Have you been to Times Square?

It's fucking terrifying. You got the M&M store, Mexican Elmo, a guy masturbating, ads for Draft Kings. Com. I'm like, can someone just stab me in the eye and take me out of this hell? Oh, but hasn't? We have to be a part of the discourse. This is a place for discourse. Fine. Let's talk about the discourse. Has Twitter ever changed anyone's mind on anything? Is someone like, you know, I used to think... Has Twitter ever changed anyone's mind on anything? Is someone like, you know, I used to think canceling student debt was a bad idea,

but it makes a lot more sense with hand-clapp emojis. Oh, oh, you think we're going to convince Florida's government to stop banning books with a thread. Here's a thread. They've already made it pretty clear. They're not big on reading. But Husson, no, no, I can't leave Twitter. Everybody's on Twitter. No, they're not.

Only a small minority of dorks even use Twitter. Yeah, by the way. Not. Only a small minority of dorks even use Twitter. Yeah, by the way, by the way, and only 10% of those dorks create 80% of the content. It's a minority of a minority. There are more country music stars named Luke than people who tweet. It just feels like everyone's on it because the news media is on it. So journalists see three people tweet about something and they're like everybody's talking about this. Who the fuck is everybody? BallSack 79 is everybody? But they go quote tweet, quote tweet, quote t-eat,

this, a this, of this, but this was nothing. This was not discourse, this was three people. Okay, now, now, to the people that gave it up, that were like, I use Twitter, I will give you this. I'll give you this. Twitter has been helpful for boosting the Me Too movement and spotlighting police brutality. But it has to be used in dire circumstances. That should be the CAPTCHA for Twitter.

When you log in, it shouldn't ask you to pick three stoplights. It should ask you, are you reporting a natural disaster? An authoritarian government, Whistleblowing? Harassment by the police? Or are you defending Beyonce? Then and only then should you get to tweet? Outside of that. What the f-fee is the upside of anyone tweeting?

Why should I tweet? Why should you tweet? Think of the process. You share your opinion, you argue with people, and then potentially lose your job. That's if you're a civilian or a celebrity. It's a platform with no dialogue, no grace, no forgiveness. It's all ISIS beheadings and clout. In the only thing worse than Twitter's features are its users. Not the lurkers. Lurkers were normal.

I'm talking about the power users flooding your timeline. The amount the psychos tweet is on another level. George Tchai has tweeted 100 in 3,000 teline. The amount the psychos tweet is on another level. George Tchaikai has tweeted 100 in 3,000 times since he joined. That comes out to 23 tweets a day. George, you can have opinions but I shouldn't be able to set my watch to them. Dude, Mike Surnovich has tweeted 200,000 times. That's 48 to them. Dude, Mike Surnovich has tweeted 200,000 times. That's 48 tweets a day. How the fuck do you have that many opinions? I'm a guy, and I only have two opinions.

I love the Sacramento Kings. In real talk, Chipotle has kind of fallen off. That's it. Wajahat Ali. He's a friend of mine and a writer for the New York Times. Bragg. Wodge has tweeted 185,200 times. Wodge.

I have a message from your family. We miss you, Dad. Look up. I don't care what side of the aisle you're on. Put the crackpipe down and leave Twitter like you said you would. What happened to the mass exodus when Elon took over? I thought all you guys were going to Twitter Canada. Mastodon. Find me on Mestadon. You can catch me on Mestadon, you f-couards.

And for the people who still think it has value, you're wrong. You know this deep down. You fucking feel it here. You bitch about Elon all the time, but you won't quit. You don't even have the willpower to live up to your own values. You you you you you you you you you th you th you th. You to th. You th. You th. You don't th. You don't th. You don't th. You don't th. You don't th. You don't to thi. You don't to to to to to tho to to to to to to thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to live up to your own values. You don't give a fuck about your values. You don't give up. You care more about your brand than progress. You don't want to write on Twitter.

You want to write on succession. But you're not talented enough to write for succession. And neither am I. I want out of the media grip. Do you understand? I want my mind back. I hate this place. I hate Twitter. I want out. Give me my mind back. Dream my mind from Yashar Ali's tweets. Please. Oh, fuck. What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? My daughter's here? What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? My daughter's here. What am I doing?

Oh my God, I'm the living embodiment of Twitter. I'm judging other people without changing anything about myself. Let me channel the fake Gandhi quote I saw on Twitter. Maybe I need to be the change I wish to see in the world. Fee-this I'm leaving Twitter. I'm leaving Twitter. I'm leaving this Hellscape right now. Let's do this right now. You think I'm doing this? This is real. This is real. And just like everybody on Twitter, I'm making a long, annoying announcement about it right here.

You got that? Yeah, let's do it. Oh, fuck, yeah. Let's get the f-shund here. Deactivate. Yes, deactivate. Good bye. I'm God! I'm... God! I'm free!

I'm free! I'm free! I'm free! I'm free! I'm free! So what do I do now? I guess I can actually go to the town square and meet people in real life. Hang out with my wife. I'll try to my wife. Kiss my children. You know, touch grass.

It's a big world out there, and I want to live in it. We had a fun ride, trolls and bad faith actors. Oh, and by the way, if you hate this on Twitter, I could give a shit because I'm not there. Join me in the real world. And hey, in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening, and good night. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter.

Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruituder's smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, zip recruiter's powerful matching technology starts showing you qualified people for it. And you can use zip recruiter's pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let zip recruiter rreutor the recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit recruit to the to the the to the to the to the the to the to the to the to the to the to to to to to to to to to to to the the the to to to to to to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.

Try it for free at this exclusive web address. Zip Recruiter.com slash zip. Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. It's been said that nigh skies finish last. But is that really true? I'm Tim Harford, host of The Cautionary Tales podcast, and I'm exploring that very question. Join me for my new miniseries on the Art of Fairness. We'll travel from New York to Tahiti to India on a

quest to learn how to succeed without being a jerk. We'll examine stories of villains undone by their villainy and monstrous self-devaring egos and we'll delve into the extraordinary power of decency. We'll face mutiny on the vast Pacific Ocean, blaze a trail with a pioneering skyscraper, and dare to confront a formidable empire. The art of fairness on cautionary tales. Listen on the IHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen tonight.

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcast. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Do nice guys really finish last. I'm Tim Harford, host of the Cautionary Tales podcast, and I'm exploring that very question. Join me for my new miniseries on the Art of Fairness.

From New York to Tahiti will examine villains undone by their villainy. Monstrous, self-devaring egos and accounts of the extraordinary power of decency. Listen on the IHart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.