The Daily Show: Ears Edition - How The Government Works With Dulcé Sloan

Episode Date: May 27, 2022

Everyone learns about Congress and the president in school, but you don’t need to know any of that. Dulcé Sloan has the inside scoop on the government branches that you’ll meet in real life. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hi little friends, it's me, Dulce. And today we're going to learn how the government works. Now most civics classes will teach you about the president and Supreme Court, and Congress, and blah, blah, blah. But you don't need to know any of that. Hell, the biggest thing Congress does for you is flood your inbox. Every 15 minutes, the future of the world depends on me, sending 10 bucks to some dumbass in Rhode Island. I'm going to tell you about the parts of the government you'll meet in real life.

Let's start with the TSA. That's the part of the government in charge of feeling you up and confiscating your little shampoo bottles filled with hennicy. Here's a tip kids. Always drink your booze before you get on the flight. Mmm. And do you know how the TSA gets away with harassing us like this? It's because the men are so damn fine. Next, we've got the IRS. You know how the mafia collects protection money?

This is sort of like the same thing. You see, whatever you make, the government wants a taste. And the IRS are the guys who come to get it. But don't worry, the government will use that money for important things like drones and studies to see if they can grow corn on the sun. Next, the FBI. Unless you're mobbed up, you're probably not going to hear much from these guys. They're busy working on a backlog of cases from people who copy the VHS tape in 1987.

Because if there's one thing the feds hate more than Al-Qaeda, it's bootlegs of dirty dancing. There's also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also the CIA the CIA the CIA the CIA the CIA the CIA the CIA the CIA the CIA the CIA. the CIA. the CIA. the CIA. Next is their their their their their their the Fi. Next. Next. the F. Next the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the F. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the the f. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the f. the f. the f. the f. the f. the's one thing the feds hate more than Al-Qaeda, it's bootlegs of dirty dancing. There's also the CIA. They're the ones selling drugs in your community. Let's move on to the judiciary, or as I call it, court shit. No matter who you are, you're going to be in a lifelong battle against the justice system. For some of you, it'll be avoiding jail, but for most of you it'll be avoiding jury duty. Court is also where you go to get married and where you go back to to get divorced and where you defend yourself

against grand theft auto charges because he said the Ford to floor was his but you were the one making the payments. And speaking of cars, let's move on to the DMV. That's where you go to renew your license. You'll wait in a long-ass line next to all the weirdest people who live in your county. In fact, I'm in a DMV line right now. After this, I'm headed over to the State Department, because that's where you get your passport, the document that has the smallest, worst picture you've ever taken.

Oh, don't worry. You only have to look at it for 10 years. What else? Oh, the Department of Education. They're in charge of teaching you the basics, like where to hide during a school shooting. Other than that, they don't teach you shit, which is why I'm here teaching you on my day off. They can have more funding, but America needs that money for the Defense Department. They're the ones out there enforcing the American Empire so you can maintain your way of life. Oh, y'all didn't think I was going to get real did you? If you're a male over the age of 18 the military will make

you register for the draft but not if you're a woman and that's fine with me. I'm the kind of feminist that wants to be a CEO not a gunnery sergeant. And that's basically most of government you interact with. There's other agencies. You got the EPA, FEMA, the Deep State, but we'll get to them another time. Right now, I gotta go get my license. Watch the Daily Show, Week Nights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.