The Daily Show: Ears Edition - ICYMI: Jon Stewart and Jordan Klepper React To This Week's Stormy Daniels Testimony

Episode Date: May 11, 2024

Jon Stewart dissects the media's ubiquitous and uninsightful coverage of Stormy Daniels's testimony of her sexual encounter with Donald Trump. Plus, Jordan Klepper covers this week's top fashion stories including the Met Gala and Vladimir Putin's non-wizardly attire for his re-election ceremony.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart here, unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, The Weekly Show, we're gonna be talking about the election, economics, ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to wall non-stop penis to penis coverage of Donald Trump's trial from the lingering glamour shots to the trial merch store to a trial merch store to a rudimentary court treasure map to second by second realrial merch store, to a rudimentary court treasure map, to second by second real-time closed captioning,

and a QR code. You can scan for more coverage. And I guess MSNBC's in-room dining menu. Why would you need an... The ubiquitous coverage is numbing, fading into televised wallpaper with insight that only occasionally crackles through such as... He greeted her at his hotel room in satin or silk pajamas.

Which? Both are smooth materials but satin or whip. Which I need to know. She said she had my, I had my clothes and my shoes off. I removed my bra. We were in missionary position. mission. No wonder Trump has locked up the evangelical voting block. Unlike those Trump has locked up the evangelical voting block. Unlike those Democrats and the devil doggy style.

They're devilish. Like those Democrats and their devil doggy style. They're devilish. Tell us more. Not wearing a condom. Don't tell us anymore. But perhaps this hyperfocus by our news media is purposeful to distract Americans by keeping visions of dancing penises in their heads. All the while Americans are losing their freedoms at home.

The Biden administration's war on energy is reaching into the American home. Well, we were penicing! Apparently, the Biden administration is reaching the energy is to the the the the the the into the American home. Well, we were penicing. Apparently, the Biden administration is reaching around into the American home. Put a stop to the Department of Energy's continued crackdown on American-made appliances. Never in my wildest imagination would I have thought that I would stand here on the House floor to defend my constituents' appliances and gas stoves. I was proud to lead the House Republican effort to protect our gas stoves.

They can take our lives. But they can never take our cooktops. Apparently this is a bill that they passed to stop the Biden administration's new energy regulations. And look, I'm going to be 100% honest with everybody here. I'm on the Republican side. I fucking hate electric stoves. I fucking hate them. can't cook unless I can see how high the flame is. And I'll be damned if I start burning my signature bananas foster because Joseph Gerbils Biden is trying to ban gas stoves.

I'm sorry, I'm being told that that is not as what happened. Apparently, the Department of Energy just set new efficiency standards for home appliances, and that 97% of gas stoves already meet the new standards. So, unless this is where you cook, you're probably fine. And even so, at the end of the day, I mean, it's just your gas stove. It's not just gas stoves, it's your washer, your dryer, your dishwasher, and much more. They started with gas stoves. And I did not speak up. For I was not a gas stove.

Why did I do the Scottish accent for that? That's a, isn't that a German homily? All right. Look, no disrespect that a German homily? All right. Look, no disrespect to any of these f-i-diates. But I think we can move household appliances down on the threat to democracy list, just below aluminum-free deodorant. Clearly, this was an overblown reaction. But that doesn't mean that this trial coverage isn't obscuring

some true horrors. They're dead. The Boy Scouts are dead. The Boy Scouts, we can pretty much declare, are dead. Oh my God, the Boy Scouts are dead! While we were all fixated on the titulating details of the Stormy Daniels testimony, the Boy Scouts all died. I'm the thterrible Smores explosion, engineered by one Joseph Charles Manson Biden. The Boy Scouts of America is changing its name for the first time

in history. The organization will be renamed Scouting America to emphasize its commitment to inclusion of all youth. Oh. The Boy Scouts are alive. They just rebranded as an organization, partly because they started letting girls in five years ago, and partly because they had a giant molestation scandal. I say that so that no one can hear me. I had a giant molestation scandal. Ah, rebranding yourself is a tried and true formula for many such organizations. In fact, it's why the Catholic Church now goes by the name Gary.

So, I feel terrible for anybody at home named Gary right now. What? So what is the issue? There used to be sacred organizations where the children could really flourish. Is anything sacred, Bob Brooks? No. Yeah. Nothing is sacred. What did happen to all those sacred organizations? Gary? Gary. But as you all were saying. What happens to institutions in America and really all over the world is patriotic people start these institutions and the left must destroy it. It's a sad day when young boys can't learn how to be strong men, we've wrecked it. Actually, they wrecked it.

Okay, I don't want to break character here or anything, but this guy who is blaming the left for the loss of our institutions where young boys can become strong men. His name is Matt Schlapp. You may remember him. He's the head of the American Conservative Union. You may remember that as the strong man who was sued. This guy was sued by another fellow for non-consensually grabbing his dick in 2022. Yeah.

That only got dropped after a reported $480,000 settlement. The point being, when this guy talks about the depravity of our institutions, he knows of what he speaks. All of this false outrage is starting to make me cynical about America's media ecosystem. Is there anything else going on that does merit a DEFCon 1 freakout? In the end, this is a sad day for America. A moral failing of a magnitude we can't even begin to calculate. Oh my god, a moral failing, we can't even begin to calculate.

Perhaps it's a combo failing, an appliance that changed its name to be more inclusive. Is Mr. Coffee now they, them, coffee? Is that the danger we now face? President Biden, threatening to withhold more military aid if the Israeli military carries out an all-out assault on the city of Rafa. President Biden halting a weapons shipment of 3,500 bombs to Israel. We paused one shipment of high payload munitions.

Oh my God! The Biden administration has paused one shipment of 3,500 munitions of the over 300,000 munitions. Israel has already dropped on Gaza to try and prevent the Israelis from attacking the area where all the refugees of this war are currently sheltering. I mean, oh my God. Or to put that another way.

And now what the Biden administration has done is the primary protector of Hamas. He absolutely is citing with the terrorists. The only reason they're not dancing in Iran is because they don't believe in dancing. Joe Biden has been the greatest friend Hamas and Hezbollah that there is on planet Earth. Amen. Damn, he's good. Yes, nothing says Gravitas like, Hey, what? Oh, there's a terrorist everybody.

What do you want? The only thing we have to fear is fair itself. You people are f-fired- You people are f-c. Children. That came out wrong. But... But... I am curious, why would Biden halt that shipment now? I've made it clear to B.B. in the war cabinet. They're not going to get our support if in fact they go in these population centers.

If they go into the population centers, the whole place is a population center. They've been in the population center for six months. Gaza's all population center. You know what you never hear around Gaza? Yeah, I don't live in the populated area. I live in upstate Gaza. I live by the lakes. It's really quiet there. Is there no one who can offer a more nuanced analysis of our newly formulated position

on this conflict, preferably in some type of catacomb or echoy tunnel. What Biden is doing with respect to Israel is disgraceful. If any Jewish person voted for Joe Biden, they should be ashamed of themselves. My apologies to you, Rabbi. Thank you so much for taking time off of your condomless porn star hush money trial to deliver a shame lecture to Jews. I will reflect on your moral standing next to Yom Kippur. You can be sure, what about a Jew who might vote for him twice? What is that? Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame!

Shame! Shame! First of all, guys, American Jews are Americans. We do not have dual loyalties or citizenship. There's nothing for us to be a shame dog. That's not what Donald Trump says. Donald Trump says you should be a shame. Shame, shame. Shame, shame.

So you should have been a doctor. This is really, this is really, it's making me very uncomfortable. Why? Donald Trump is just saying that there's good Jews and there's bad Jews and we need to start identifying the bad juice. Shame. Shame. I don't like where this is going. Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame on you.

Shanda? Yeah, I'm Jewish too. What? What? I did not know that. Yeah, on my mother's side. And so it's shame. All right.

Get out of here. Everybody go. Shame. Go! As I was saying before I was really interlo- Oh, for God's sake. Shame! Shame!

Shame! Shame on you! Shame! Shame! I know. So Ronnie, we already did the Israel shame bit and... No, I was talking about deaf to Smoochee. I spent 10 bucks on that movie. Shame. Shame on you. It's a good movie. So are you not a shame? No, I'm not. Listen, here. Here's, here's 10 bucks. Just go. Thank you.

Thank you. This makes up for Israel. All right, thank you. Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show. It's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth but in importance it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go but how many of them come out on Thursday I mean talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show

with John Stewart wherever you get your podcast. into an Uber pool. On fashion's biggest night, garden inspired looks on full display, right in bloom with this year's dress code, the Garden of Time. Fans tried to figure out which star was fully covered, head to toe and a floor-length beige umbrella. Now, this is water singer Tyler. So many people talking about this. She had to be carried up the stairs of the Met. The dress, which was made of sand,

was simply too heavy. Okay. Okay. A dress made of sand is super impressive. Who are you wearing? Coney Island. Thank you very much. I like how she had four people carrier up the stairs. I bet Joe Biden saw that and turned to the Secret Service like, let's just do that from now on. But the true glam heads weren't paying attention to the Metgala because the real action last night was in Moscow, where Vladimir Putin held an opulent inauguration that just screamed, definitely not a dictator for life.

We continue to watch live pictures from Moscow, where Vladimir Putin begins his fifth term as Russian president. The strongman has already been in office for nearly a quarter century. Putin's new term doesn't end until 2030, and at that point, he'll be eligible to run for another six years if he wants. It's been a lavish and opulate ceremony there in Moscow. Come on, Vlad! You can't show opulate ceremony there in Moscow. Come on, Bland! You can't show up to all this in a suit? Look, they got the wizards and the golden walls.

You're walking in like you're late from the office, man? How do you think Merlin over here feels, huh? He's like, I went full Hogwarts over here,, now I feel like a dick, Flad. You act like you don't even want to be here, but this is your whole thing. I mean, I'm not criticizing you, you're the one with the poison, but still, we could have done this over Zoom. Let's move on to America's Vladimir Putin. Donald Trump.

It's now. Week four of the Trump trial. And boy, time flies when you're constantly falling asleep in court, doesn't it? But I can guarantee you Trump didn't nap during today's testimony, which brings us to our latest installment of America's most tremendously wanted. Today was the biggest day yet in the trial of Donald Trump, because today Stormy Daniels herself took the stand. And you could tell from the start that the coverage was going to be delicate. Today was the biggest day yet in the trial of Donald Trump, because today Stormy Daniels herself took the stand. And you could tell from the start that the coverage that the coverage that the coverage that the coverage that that the coverage is th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the is the is the is the is the is the is thi thi thi the is going to be delicate. Right now in the courtroom, our reporters in there are sending us notes, updates every second that they can.

And Mr. Trump's defense attorney, Susan Nichols, is saying, quote, we're informed of the second witness today will be Stormy Daniels. We want to renew our objection to her testifying particularly about any details of any sexual acts. That is, Mr. Trump's attorney, the prosecutors, is also saying, quote, in terms of the sexual act, it will be very basic. I can't believe I have to read this on television.

It's not going to involve any descriptions of anything. Just read it. Oh, come on Jake Tapper and Danabash. It's not going to involve any descriptions of anything. Just read it. Oh, come on, Jake Tapper and Danabash. Acting like you're too good for this, like you've never seen genitalia before, all right? You're very prudish for people whose names sound like poor names. Jake Tapper and Danabash in State of the Union. Yeah.

Oh. Oh. They're going to smear Connish all over your Wolf Blitzer, you know. Yeah, oh. They're gonna smear Connish all over your wolf blitzer, you know? Now, the crux of this case is that Trump allegedly paid Stormy Daniels hushed money to cover up their affair just before the 2016 election. And today, Stormy Daniels told us exactly what all that money was hushing. Starting from the very beginning of the night Donald Trump invited her for the 2016 election. And today, Stormy Daniels told us exactly what all that money was hushing. Starting from the very beginning, the night Donald Trump invited her for dinner in his hotel

room. Daniels testified that when she first entered Trump's hotel suite, he greeted her wearing silk pajamas. She says she joked that he stole Hugh Hefner's pajamas and asked him to change, which he did. According to Daniels, when she asked Trump about his wife, he admitted that he and Melania sleep in separate beds. After speaking with Trump for a while, Daniels told Trump, he was rude and didn't know how to have a conversation. Someone should spank you with that magazine, she told him.

She said, Trump then rolled up the magazine and quote, gave me a look. So she took it from him, told him to turn around, and swatted him on the butt. Oh, that poor poor magazine. Hasn't print media suffered enough? Spanking, silk pajamas, separate beds. these revelations are so uncomfortably personal that even Drake is like, oh, sucks to be that guy. But if that stuff made you uncomfortable, hold on, it gets worse. Daniels testified that at one point prior to them having sex, Trump told her she reminded him of his daughter of Vanka, saying they were both smart, blonde, beautiful women

who people underestimated. HASHTag, girl dad. Look, I know it's old news to us that Donald Trump wants to smear conish his daughter, but remember, the court worked hard to find an unbiased jury, which means there's at least one person on there who was in a coma for the last 10 years. And I bet that guy is losing his mind today. Are you hearing this?

Are you hearing this? That's the president and his daughter and a porn star? Oh, wait a while my friend Prince hears about this. You know what? Maybe the actually damning part of all of this is how Trump got stormy to have sex with him. According to Daniels, he suggested that she could be on the apprentice. Later, he stripped his underwear and told her, quote, this is the only way you're getting out of the trailer park. Yikes. So, Trump isn't just a bad lover who thinks talking

about his daughter is an acceptable form of foreplay. He's a creep who dangles career advancement over women to get them to have sex with him because Lord knows they're not in it for the two minutes of thrusting. And personally I find it disappointing. I mean who would have thought a man found liable for sexual assault would coerce a woman into sex? I mean, honestly, it's like you can't even trust sex offenders these days. For more on today's testimony, let's go live to the courthouse with our own Troy

Awada. Troy. Roy, what's the mood down at the courthouse today? I would say the mood down at the courthouse today. I would say the mood is uncomfy. Like I was so perturbed. I made myself feel better by remembering that time I watched Saltburn with my parents. That's how bad it was today. But I gotta tell you, it's pretty brutal hearing someone's dumb, horny man moves

read aloud in the cold light of a courtroom. I'm sorry, dumb, horny man moves? You know, the things that you say and do right before you have sex with someone for the first time. The sexy stuff that you do in the moment that no one should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should should the the the the that no one that no one that no one the that no one that no one in the moment that no one should ever rehash. The faces and phrases like, your lips look like two big worms. Oh, okay, well, I mean, some people's man moves are pretty solid, I bet. Okay, you keep telling yourself that big guy. Like, what's your go-to move when you get to the bedroom?

Oh, well, I don't know if this is the time or the play. One time, uh... One time I said, oh, righty then. Just like Ace Ventura, but it was a, it was a good reference because we had both just seen Ace Ventura. I mean, she hadn't, but I had explained the movie to her, and it was... It was kind of a sexy moment for both of us. Oh. Cool. Troy, what's your point?

That testifying about people's man move should have no place in the legal system? No, no, I actually, I think the opposite. I think every trial should have it. You know, imagine if every time you committed a crime, the prosecutors could put your ex on the stand and describe your most mediocre hookup in grave detail. And then a stenographer and a carnagon wrote it all down, and then Jake Tapper broadcasted on national television. Yeah, frankly, okay? I see you... That is a clear point. I mean, you put it that way, I would be the most law-abiding citizen in history.

Exactly, yeah. Right now I'm about 50-50 on committing crimes. Like, I can see myself counterfeiting stamps. But if it meant I'd have to sit through a retelling of how one night I got on all four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four four thorsorsorsorsorsorsorsorsorsorsorsorsorsorsorsorsors and I was, and I said, and I said, and I said, and I said, and I said, and I said, and I said, and I'd to to to say, and I'd to to that, and I'd that, and I'd that, and I'd that, and I'd, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the the their, and I'd the if it meant I'd have to sit through a retelling of how one night I got on all fours and I said, tell me you're proud of me? I wouldn't even get a parking ticket. I wouldn't even own a car. This might be the greatest crime deterrent in history.

So you're saying we should just air all of Trump's dirty details in an attempt to lower crime rates. No, Jordan, I am asking you to tell me you're proud of me. Oh, all righty then. Troy, what everybody. Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, it's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting, you'll be saying to yourself, TGID, thank God it's Thursday we're going to be talking about. All the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go,

but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast.