The Daily Show: Ears Edition - ICYMI: Jon Stewart Tackles Trump's Criminal Trial and Dulcé Sloan Covers Nike's New Team USA Uniforms

Episode Date: April 20, 2024

Jon Stewart kicks off the week with coverage on Iran's attack on Israel and Israel's plan to strike back. He also discusses the start Donald Trump's criminal trial. Plus, Dulcé Sloan covers jury selection for Trump's trial, Red Lobster filing for bankruptcy, and how Nike's new Team USA women's track uniforms are a little too revealing.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official survivor podcast on fire. And this season we are joined by fan favorite and Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie, Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here, and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire the official Survivor podcast starting September 18th wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to the show. My name is John Stewart. Unbelievable show. They're already exhausted from the office. By the way, how was your weekend? My weekend was... Breaking at this moment, Israel under fire from Iran.

It's just raining rockets with those sirens blaring out. We do effectively have World War III in progress. Oh no! Not World War 3? I'm still writing a rock war on all my checks. But yes, the skies above Israel were lit up like a... I want to say Christmas tree, but that's probably not. For that area.

Minora. It's the moment society has dreaded since the armistice of 1945, finally upon us, as Einstein said. He doesn't know what weapons World War III will be fought with, but he knows the next ones will be fought with sticks and stones. This is John Stewart signing off. May God bless us and everyone. And let future civilizations know that we could not overcome our fatal nature. In the end, there was almost no damage, as Israel, the U.S. and other allies shot

down 99% of Iran's missiles and drones. Huh. It wasn't World War III. I certainly regret doing this. It wasn't World War III. I certainly regret doing this. I, I, oh boy. Moment of panic. And I guess sort of a primitive instinct, but... Is... Is that me?

Did I... Art and Garfunk? But kudos to the United States and to Israel. It shows just how effective a military defense system can be when you funnel American dollars away from health care and education. It really helps to build. Whoa, yeah. And the best part is, we did it with no help.

The two amigos surrounded by hostile Arab nations, united in their zeal to destroy Israel. Jordan's Air Force also intercepted and shot down dozens of drones that violated its airspace and were on their way to Israel. Jordan's Air Force also intercepted and shot down dozens of drones that violated its airspace and were on their way to Israel. And we've now learned that Saudi Arabia and the UAE provided real-time intelligence that help track the incoming missiles. What are the teams of these fucking wars? Well, I don't even know the teams anymore.

The Arab countries are helping Israel. I don't know what the teams anymore. The Arab countries are helping Israel. I don't know what the teams are. We need to sort this out with jerseys or something. Because Iran could attack at any moment. In a statement, Iran said it now considers the matter concluded. Hey, did you hear that? We're good. We're good. We don't...

Oh! By the way, he was delicious. Really? That's what you said? Anyway, that's what you said? Anyway, we're gonna be okay. Israel has vowed it will respond to Iran. No!

All right, can I have a word with you, Middle East, over here. Yeah. Ah Shalom Alecum. Trying to cover all bases. Listen, I hope this doesn't sound patronizing, but when we in the West drew your region's borders and set you up with perfectly functioning dictatorships. We expected a little better. See, the agreement was we would make up a whole new bunch of countries, some of which made sense, and in return, you would give us your delicious oil.

That was the deal. You give us your delicious oil. That was the deal. You give us your delicious oil, and we take it. We certainly didn't expect to get drawn into all the drama that our actions created. And now, these wars have got us all turned around. At one point, we're helping Iraq fight Iran, and then we're invading Iraq, and now we're helping Iran, to help fight Houthis that are backed by Iran. I mean, f-feeh!

You know, in Gaza, we're actually bombing them and feeding them. How do you think that makes it feel? Oh, oh, oh, did, did you that you that you that you that that you that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that makes it feel? Oh, oh, oh did you have a nice sandwich? Run! Oh and apparently now there's two kinds of Islam I mean you could have told us that before we got into this. As I said earlier, arbitrarily gerrymandered your homeland so do better. Keep that oil coming. And by the way, we got enough trouble keeping track of our own wars. Like this weekend, our former president, an illustrious historian, Donald J.

Trump, spoke near one of America's most hallowed battlefields. And if you thought Lincoln consecrated Gettysburg with his soaring rhetoric well but buckle up. Gettysburg what an unbelievable battle that was the Battle of Gettysburg what an unbelievable I mean it was so much and so interesting and so vicious and horrible and it's so beautiful in so many different ways it represented such a big portion of the success of this country. Gettysburg, wow. That is plagiarized almost directly. From my seventh grade book report.

Gettysburg, wow. I did not... Oh, is that it in my name? It was vicious and horrible and beautiful. Is he talking about a civil war battle or a horse giving birth? Like, it was bloody, but it's life. Now, obviously I'm not a civil war buff, like... But unlike me, he even knows all the famous quotes.

I go to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania to look and to watch. And the statement of Robert Lee, who's no longer in favor, did you ever notice that? No longer in favor? Never fight uphill, me, boys. Never fight uphill. They were fighting uphill. He said, wow, that was a big mistake.

He lost his great general. And they were fighting, never fight up Hill Me Boys. It is, it is true. The North did have the higher ground, but I'm pretty sure. the North did have the higher ground, but I'm pretty sure that Robert E. Lee was not a lepricon. Ah, never fight uphill, me boys. That's not how to take back the North's party told them, you can't be fighting uphill, me boys. Also, minor point, but I'm pretty sure Robert Lee would not have told them never fight uphill,

since he's the one who told them to f-finding fight up hill? He wasn't like, you know, they go up the hill, I'm going to be so mad if they do that. They go up the hill, long street actually told him they'll go up the hill. Robert Lee said, eh, me buys him what they want. Although to be fair to former president Donald Trump, he does have a lot on his mind right now. Now to breaking news, the first ever criminal trial involving a former president will soon get underweight. Oh my God Donald, don't run up that hill me boy! Stay down! Stay down the hill me boy! Stay down! Stay down! Yes, after years of anticipation the first criminal trial of a former president has begun,

and by all accounts, it is absolutely riveting. 40 minutes ago, you wrote an observation that I was very surprised. Trump appears to be sleeping, his head keeps dropping down and his mouth goes slack. Tell us about that. Tell us about that. Well, Jake, he appeared to be sleeping, his head keeps dropping down and his mouth goes slack. Tell us about that. Well, Jake, he appeared to be asleep. What part of head down ice clothes drool coming in his mouth? Do you not fucking get over here? He snore it.

He's doing the hauncheu. He's doing the mansewings? He's sleeping. What part of head down ice clothes drool coming in his mouth? Do you not fucking get over here? He snore it. He's doing the honkshoe, he's doing the me-me, me, me, there's a piece of paper going up and down and up and down in his mouth. He's asleep. He's asleep. Imagine committing so many crimes. You get bored at your own trial. Move on to the good stuff.

Now, in case you've lost track, this is the trial where Trump allegedly paid hush money to an adult film star that he slept with and then allegedly falsified business records to cover it up, or as Trump would put it. This is a political persecution, this is a persecution like never before, nobody's seen it if Trump would put it. This is a political persecution. This is a persecution like never before. Nobody's ever seen anything like it. And again, it's a case that you have never been brought. It's an assault of America.

And that's why I'm very proud to be here. Well, it's true. Trump is always very proud to be part of any assault on America. Look, even... Oh. Yes, Mr. Stewart, we agree. Look, even if the prosecution's a bit of a stretch. Yes, Mr. Stewart, we agree.

Look, even if the prosecution's a bit of a stretch, it's not persecution. The guy's not Nelson Mandela or Jesus. I don't mind being Nelson Mandela because I'm doing it for a reason. Trump also shared two articles that compared him to Jesus Christ. One was titled, quote, the crucifixion of Donald Trump. I don't let him crucify him, the boy. We had full-team coverage down to the courthouse and lower Manhattan, I don't let him crucify him, me boy. We had full-team coverage down to the courthouse in lower Manhattan today here with an update

on which martyr Trump more resembles Jesus or Nelson Mandela. It's Ronnie Chang and Jesus or Mandela? Clearly Mandela, all right? Both are two heroes unjustly persecuted by a corrupt legal system. And as Mandela often said, and I quote, this is a witch hunt hoax I've never even met horseface. I totally disagree, Ronnie. Jesus Christ. He's obviously Jesus Christ.

It's right there in the New Testament, or in its sequel, The Art of the Deal. Chapter 10, verse 8. And Lo, he evicted the rent-controlled tenants, and it was good. And tremendous and vicious and beautiful. Jesus, wow. All right, all right. Hang on, hang on.

Just think about this for a second. Okay? Trump and Mandela, they both had three wives. Jesus didn't even have a serious girlfriend. Okay, the guy had no Riz. I don't think Riz is an appropriate. Anyway, Mandela was in prison for 27 years, Ronnie, so it's... Yes, but if you add up all the prison sentences Trump got for other people from January 6 and his campaign and his business, it's way more than 27 years, okay?

Trump is like 10 Nelson Mandela's. No, Ronnie, Trump is Jesus. They both have a ton of buildings with their names on them, filled with portraits of themselves to be worshipped. And they both sold sneakers, gold sneakers. Hold on, hold on. I'm sorry to interrupt. This is ridiculous, okay?

Josh Johnson, everybody. Up the bottom floor. Josh. What? Trump is not Mandela or Jesus. Okay? We all know that, did you say OJ? Yeah, John, OJ, Trump, they were both iconic celebrities in the 80s, plus Donald J. Trump? Is the J for Juice?

Probably. But most importantly, their obvious guilt didn't deter their loyal fans who either think they're innocent. Or don't care, their obvious guilt didn't deter their loyal fans who either think they're innocent, hmm. Or don't care, they're guilty. Jesus had loyal fans. Not like this. So if he's OJ, you're saying that whether or not Trump slept with Stormy Daniels or

paid Stormy Daniels hush money, it's not going to matter, he's walking away a free man. Yes. And personally, I'm excited for the moment moment troom. I'm thoes. I'm thoes. I'm thoes. I'm thi. I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm th. thi, I'm thi, thi, their, their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. to. to to to toe. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the. the. the. th. th., I'm excited for the moment in the trial when Trump will drop his pants and say, if the glove don't fit, you must have quit. Well done. Well done. to have been watching the news and thought to yourself, wow, the Supreme Court sure does suck. We made a podcast about that.

We sure did. There is a super majority of conservative maniacs on the Supreme Court right now, really doing some damage. I'm Michael. I'm Riannan. And I'm Peter. Our podcast, 5 to 4 is about all of this. Every week we dissect and analyze a different ruling that has made our country a little worse, a little more cruel. And you would not believe them there are. Check out 5 to 4. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. th. to 4. th. th. to 4. th. to 4. th. th. to 4. th. th. th. to 4. to 5 to 5 th. to 5 to 5 to 5 th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the. thooooooo. the. th. th. Check out five to four. That's the number five, dash the number four,

wherever you listen to podcast. We've got so much to talk about tonight. We've got so much to talk about tonight. Trump's got himself a real New York jury. Red Lobsters and Trouble Girl. And the newest Olympic sport is gynecology. So, let's get to the headline. Let's begin with sports.

All right, it's now just 100 days into the Summer Olympics when we find out which of the world's athletes is most like a dolphin. So, yesterday Nike unveiled the new team USA-Sa-A-Sa-A-Teevailed the new Team when we find out which of the world's athletes is most like a dolphin. So, yesterday, Nike unveiled the new Team USA Uniforms. And one of the options for women's track and field is getting a lot of attention. Oh, is this not getting your attention? Zoom in, zoom in. Right. We got your attention now. Look at this.

That doesn't even come into mannequin's pussy, and she ain't even got one. This outfit should not be for Team USA. Team Brazilian, absolutely. And what is the point of this? Are they trying to distract the other competitors? Folks just slamming in the hurdles like, oh, I forgot to jump.

I was looking at that vagina. Don't nobody want to see this? What we want to see is that man from Tonga, put him up. Oh, I miss you? In other sports news, NBA player John Tay Porter recently got caught gambling on his own team and even faking injuries to influence bets. And today the NBA banned him for life. It's the harshest punishment the NBA can hand down besides making you play for the Detroit

Pistons. I mean, I guess it's easier to fake an injury than to play better. But still, fixing games is an unacceptable thing for an NBA player to do. Now, if it was the WMBA, I mean, listen, they are underpaid. You need a side hustle. You gotta do what you gotta do, sis. Now, moving on. If you're going on a bad anniversary dinner, I got some news for you. Red Lobster is considering filing for bankruptcy, which is ironic because every customer in Red Lobster is already broke.

Now, the report says it's because of expensive leases and labor costs, but you know who I blame? Men. That's right. Y'all aren't living up to Beyonce's standards. Mm-hmm. Y'all not fucking your woman good enough to earn that trip to Red Lobster, that's what happened.

You dick game is weak, and now an entire restaurant chain is going under. You be ashamed to yourselves. But this doesn't affect me though. I get my seafood from the tanks at an aquarium anyway. See, I'm dating this guy who gets in the scuba gear and cleans the glass. He brings me the best up. Have you ever had belugal well? Ooh. It's delicious. But let's move on to the big story.

The trial of Donald Cell Block J. Trump. And another edition of America's Most Tremendously Wanted. The whole thing is her scam. The whole thing is her scam. The courthouse is on break today, you know, because it's Wednesday. So when they let out yesterday, Trump celebrated with a little tour of New York's hot spots. New York City may be heavily democratic, but former President Trump campaigned there anyway Tuesday, visiting a bodega after jury selection in his Manhattan hush money trial wrapped up for the day.

God bless you, my movie star. Thanks. Gonna be a movie star, huh? Thank you. Are you kidding me, Donald Trump? You're gonna tell an immigrant father that his son should get into acting? What is wrong with you? As soon as you leave, the dad is gonna be like, don't you listen to a crazy man.

You're taking a store over when I die. By the way, if you're from New York, you know it killed all those guys that have Trump standing there in a store, wasting everyone's time. That owner was two seconds from being like, hey, Donald. Donald, buy something or get the fuck out. Now I will say, I mean, I'm surprised Trump didn't hit up the lotto machine while he was there. Dude owes over $500 million in fines.

Can you imagine owing so much money that you have to hit Powerball just to get back to zero? Now as for the actual trial, this week is all about picking a jury. And it might seem impossible to find 12 New Yorkers with an unbisesesesesesesesesexious the unbisexious their their their their their their their their. I their. I their. I their. I thi. I th. I'm tri. I'm tri. I'm tri. I'm tr. tr. tri. tri. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. I tr. I tr. I tr. I tr. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm to th. I'm to to true. I'm to true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm true. I'm th. I'm th. I'm jury. And it might seem impossible to find 12 New Yorkers with an unbiased opinion of Donald Trump. But they're actually making some progress. This morning, seven jurors are sworn in to hear the historic criminal case against Donald Trump. So far, there are three women and four men. The four men's originally from Ireland and still has the accent.

Yeah, he better still have the accent. Yeah. Yeah, he better still have the accent. What's the point of telling me he's from Ireland if he doesn't have the accent? An Irishman with no accent is just a white dude in America. It's funny how the news can only point out someone's accent if they're white. You can be sure Wolf Blitzer's never going to be like, he's originally from China and he still got the accent. No, Wolf Blitzer, you're going to get canceled, friend. Can't so. And look, if you're going to be found guilty, you want to hear it in an Irish accent.

It's so pleasant and charming. It's like, looks like you're training your pedigee for some toilet wine, me lad. Hush, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I don't know why we look for me to do an Irish accent. It sounds crazy. Anyway, aside from Patty McGee, who else is on this jury? It's an interesting cross-section of the kind of people in Manhattan, the jury of the true....... tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tre, tre, tre, tre, tr-in, tr-in, tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr toe, toe, toe, toe, tr tr tr-a, toe, toe, toe, toe, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr tr true, true, true, true. true. true. true. true, ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt's an oncology nurse who said no one is above the law. A teacher from a family of police officers said President Trump speaks his mind, but a grandfather from Puerto Rico who called Trump fascinating and mysterious.

Fascinating and mysterious, he's not a Chanel fragrance. And this dude is the least mysterious person in life. He tells us everything he's thinking. I know the names of all the people he's had sex with. I heard the details of what his penis looks like. Like the only mysterious thing about him is what animal they made his wig out of. For more on the jury selection let's go live to the courthouse with Josh Johnson! So Josh, what's the rest of the jury going to look like? Well, ideally they'll end up with a jury that represents New York, and they already have a nurse, a teacher, and a Puerto Rican.

So now they just need a white woman who calls herself a witch and feels bad about gentrifying, but definitely isn't moving. I'm told they're also looking for a subway masturbator and someone with a history, someone with a history of being stabbed or stabbing. And to represent the views of Staten Island, they're looking for a fireman or a racist. Racist against who? Ideally everybody.

And of course, they're definitely going to want a young black man who's nicely dressed, non-threatening, and standing outside the courthouse right now. Josh, are you trying to get on the jury? No, I mean, if I'm called upon, that's my civic duty to, sure, yes, yes, yes, I want to be on the jury, yes. Josh, why? No one wants jury duty. The only people who don't get out of jury dury are the ones who are stupid or hate their families. Jokes on you to say, I don't have a family or stupid.

Yeah, what? Look, the point is, in this economy, the point is, in this economy, you need steady work, and being on a trump trial is the steadiest work. This gig could last me for decades. work and being on a Trump trial is the steadiest work. This gig could last me for decades. It's $40 a day. You can't make a living off that? That's because you're not factoring in the potential bribe money.

I'm not leaving anything on the table. Look, Trump. Are you looking? Look, Trump. Now, tr now, hoo-hoo! Who, woo, woo. Hey, boy, boy, boy, look, look, at the TV. Now, for $400, you walk free.

For $4.50, I'll put Stormy Daniels in jail, okay? I don't even know if I can do that, but I'm gonna try as long as I can walk out of that courtroom with a check and a mink coat. You can't pull off a meat coat you're gonna look like a prepubescent cat Williams. So you don't care about this trial you just want to be on the jury for selfish reasons. Yeah obviously this thing's a cash cow all these jurors are gonna get book deals, daytime TV appearances at at least one them is gonna be on the mass the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. t. t. t. t. t. te. te. te. te. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. cash cow. All these jurors are going to get book deals, daytime TV appearances. At least one of them is going to be on the mass singer. And I think I have what it takes to be a sexy wombat. It's not easy money.

Being part of a high-profile trial is exhausting. Not this one. I can nap whenever Trump is napping my head when he dips his head, I'll bop up when he bops up. As long as we snore in rhythm, nobody'll notice. Josh, be serious. The leading presidential candidate is on trial. Isn't there a chance that he might finally face justice? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha ha ha! Ha! Ha! Well, I said a rich white man from the dail. We're gonna try. Josh Johnson, you know what I said?

Josh Johnson, everybody! Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a comedy central podcast. Comedy Central Podcast. Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official Survivor podcast on fire, and this season we are joined by fan favorite and Survivor 46 runner up, Charlie Davis to bring you even further inside the action. Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind

of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire, the official Survivor podcast starting September 18th, wherever you get your podcast.