The Daily Show: Ears Edition - ICYMI - "Porch Pirates" Steal Holiday Packages

Episode Date: December 29, 2019

Thieves make off with nearly 2 million delivered packages per day in the U.S., prompting police to come up with creative measures to combat the epidemic. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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With the rise of online retailers, it seems like everything is getting delivered to our doorstep. Last year, my cousin was pregnant and her baby showed up in an Amazon envelope. Yeah, they saved on hospital bills and free shipping. But if you're one of the millions of people waiting for a holiday package to be delivered to you, you better watch out, because some assholes are coming to town. Faster than they arrive, packages can disappear. Tonight porch pirates are striking across the country, just as a record number of deliveries are being made.

Captured on camera, but not always caught by police, the New York Times says nationwide, more than 1.7 million packages are stolen or go missing every day, 90,000 in New York City alone, an astonishing 25 million dollars in lost goods and services across the country. Sweet lord, 2 million packages stolen a day, 90,000 in New York alone. I mean I only steal like 2 or 3 a week but I guess it adds up.

And by the way, why is the news calling them porch pirates? These people just steal shit. That's just called thief. Don't be making people sound cooler than they are. Oh, I'm a Walgreens pirate. No, you're a shoplifter. A real porch pirate would attack your porch with a crew and then take it over. Yeah, the house will still be yours, but every morning you'd have to swashbuckle your way to your car. You're like, ha ha ha, ha, ha, the the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, but the house, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but the house, but the house, but the house, but the house, but the house, but the house, but the house, but the house, but the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, the house, th, tho thooo thoo thooo thooooooooooes, thoooooes, yeah, ha, ha, ha, ha, I'm out. Ah, shit, I forgot my phone. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, you're like, you in this time, Steve,

but we'll see you when the sun sets. Actually, I have a lot of work, so I'm going to be home late. Again, Steve? Your marriage is suffering. The other day, your son called me But no matter what you call them, stolen packages are clearly an epidemic and the police have come up with a few novel solutions to fight this crime. in Washington County, Oregon going on offense, planning bait packages on front steps to catch culprits and deter potential criminals. Once the package is picked out,

police use a combination of GPS, cell phone signal, even radio frequency to track it down. In Round Rock, Texas, one police station creating operation front porch. Instead of risking theft at your home, you have your packages sent to the police station for pickup. We'll store and categorize it and we ask you to come pick it up within three days. A place where you keep your packages secure so customers can come pick them up, my man,

you just invented a store. And don't get me wrong. It's nice that the police are helping. But I'm going to be honest, I think the police already have too many jobs in America. Police have to solve crimes, they have to direct traffic, they have to find shelter for the homeless, they have to do social work, answer white ladies calling 911. Now they're working retail too? So, you're going to have copsthey can to stop package theft.

But in many cases, you're gonna want to call animal control as well. A Los Angeles homeowner can rest easy after learning who was stealing packages from his front door. You see it right there. Turns out it was this little guy. Surveillance video caught the sneaky squirrel in the act grabbing an Amazon package and dragging it away. It appears the porch pirate has been pretty active. The owner says he frequently finds his packages in the bushes around the apartment complex. Yeah you didn't see that coming, huh? A squirrel stealing packages. I bet you

thought it would be like a raccoon because they look like criminals with that mosque. But you know what? That's profiling. Because statistically squirrels in raccoon steal at the same rate but no one suspects the squirrels because of cute privilege. You know what's funny about this whole thing though? Is because the squirrel takes the package and then throws it the throws it away in the bush. It's almost like the squirrels. they're going to be acorns in there and always gets disappointed just like, damn it, another iPhone. Someday they'll have to buy acorns. It's all anybody eats. It's all anybody eats. So when you're having gifts delivered this holiday season, please keep an eye on your packages. And if you forget to buy someone a gift, at least now you have the perfect excuse. YAR! It was the Porch Pirate! Ar!

The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, Ears Edition. Watch the Daily Show Weekn, Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives.

But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts.