The Daily Show: Ears Edition - ICYMI - The Best of Michael Kosta in Quarantine

Episode Date: July 6, 2020

Michael Kosta embraces vacationing from home, chats with a protester masquerading as the Grim Reaper and gets a primer on white support for the Black Lives Matter movement. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17th. Hi, I'm Michael Costa. Before the coronavirus, I had convinced Trevor to allow me to host

a travel show through the Italian wine region. It was the perfect scheme to allow me to go balls deep into a sea of Merlo. But then we all went to shit. So now I'm stuck taking you on a journey through my apartment. Welcome to... to... Dixie Street apartment... alarm code 79-78. Come on. Shit! My apartment is a beautiful land of two bedrooms and one bathroom, world-renowned for its natural light, its high ceilings, and its access to nearby parks, which I can no longer visit. It was colonized in 2017, after I was evicted from my previous homeland for, according

to my parents, being 36. But despite their ageism, I have moved on, and now enjoy this apartment immensely, especially its culinary delights. Here, in the centrally located kitchen, there are over three cereals to choose from, including oat brand for when locals here are feeling a little irregular. When you're in the kitchen, sample the national drink of my apartment, home-brewed kumbucha, which locals praise as not as disgusting as it looks. In the middle of this bustling marketplace is an ancient heating device. A word of caution to visitors though.

Keep away unless you really know what you do. Fee-feeh-feeh-feeh-do it! Who left this fucking dig off? While you're here, be sure to visit the Michael Costa Museum of Art and Minor Accomplishments. Located on a neoclassical IKEA dresser, it holds my many prize treasures, like this autograph Regis Philbin Christmas CD. And behold the crown jewel of the collection, a rare golden Emmy. Although relentless critics, like my wife, point out that it's a regional Emmy but that's fine. She can tear down others so she feels better even though

it looks in ways exactly the same as a real Emmy, six pounds, 12 ounces, who's county? Anyway, this apartment is also home to a world-class wildlife preserve. Arrange your guided tour to take in these amazing animals, like this exotic North American, Havanese, Mini Schnauzer Rescue Mix. Here we have the pipe room. If you're a fan of pipes, you gotta check it out. Anytime you need to get to the pipes, you go here.

I don't know what any of this stuff does. Let's move on. Here, we have a window where... Why are those kids playing outside? Hey, kids, it's a global pandemic. Jesus Christ, anybody who forced the rules anymore? What can I go outside? What day is it? Is there such thing as time? Have I ever truly been alive? Who am I? Should I give myself to the seat? Did I?

Did I leave stove on? Is it or lowest my dog? I master? I dog? I master? Well, I hope you enjoy the strange and wonderful land that is Michael Costa. Join me next week as we'll be exploring the bizarre sights, sounds and odors of my building's hallway. Until then, I'm Michael Costa. Boni Villegé. All across America, eccentric freedom lovers have been protesting to reopen the country. Now beaches. All across America, eccentric freedom lovers have been protesting to reopen the country. Now beaches are the latest battleground, and Florida's are open for business. Northwest Florida beaches are back open.

Hundreds came out to soak up the sun, sand, and surf. I love the beaches being open. This is just wonderful. But while many Floridians are enjoying their God-given right to beach, one of them has a killer protest of his own. In Northwest Florida, one lawyer took a bold approach to express his concern. Thank you. Yeah, I'm here today to make a point that we need to, I think it's premature, that we open our beaches. But who was this strange Florida man? Did terrorizing beach goers

actually make a difference? To find out, I made a date with death. My name's Daniel Uphelder. I'm a lawyer and I'm the Florida Grim Reaper. I'm sorry, can you remove your hood? It's kind of hard to process this. Remove my head? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I guess that's better. So what are you doing dressed as death going to the beaches in Florida? Well, we have a deadly virus that's killed over 75,000 people, and I think people need to be staying at home and taking precautions and not flooding our beaches in our state. Death visiting the beaches has got to be one of the top 1,000 strangest things that have happened in Florida this week. Good point. Daniels been visiting beaches as death to to to to theeeeeeeeeaches theaa thea thea thea thea thea thea thea thea thea thea. thea. the. theate. theateate. I the. I the. I that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the. I I I I I that's that's the. I, I that the. I that that's the. the. the. the. theananananananananananananananananeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I've that's that's that's things that have happened in Florida this week. Good point.

Daniel's been visiting beaches as death for almost a month now, mostly not well received. The public here, there, none too pleased to see his presence here. I think he should go somewhere else and protest because he don't belong here. Daniel, why do Floridians want to go to the beach so badly? Well, I wanted to go to the beach. I love, I mean, I'm a Floridian. It's kind of like, it's just part of our DNA. It's just who we are. To me, this seems like a perfect time for Floridians to learn a new hobby. You know, like how to read.

Florida gets a bad rap. Floridians get athose things. So Daniel, when should the beach is open? When we have enough testing, enough data, enough preparation. You want the government of Florida to use testing, data, and information, when in the past, they've never even thought about using those things. Yes, this is a situation where I think our government is making a choice to not do the right thing. Do you think you're making a difference?

I think I've given a little hope to people that are seeing all these crazy protesters with guns and Confederate flags and Nazi flags. And the Grim Reaper costume. I mean, I don't have a gun with me. I don't have a statehouse in Michigan with a gun. The Grim Reaper is trying to preserve life. Daniel, is death really the best way to communicate this message of caution and temperance? I mean, everybody dies. Should we really fear death or you? I think when you have 75,000 people die within a very short period of time, and it doesn't see her to be slowing down.

Yes, this is the only message that we need to deal with. Sorry, hearing Daniels say that doesn't work for me. Would you mind just putting the hood back on and the mask and delivering that same message? So, Deft, are you really the best way to communicate caution and temperance? Yes. We need the beach the beaches the beaches the beaches the beaches the beaches the beach the beaches the beach the beach the beaches the beach the beach the beach the beach is the beach is the beach is the beach is close temperance? Yes, we need the beaches closed so people don't die. As death spoke unto me about the need for social distancing, I realized that protesting to keep things close could be helpful. Even though death is scaring the hell out of sunbaters, at least he's wearing a mask.

And maybe there was a deeper meaning. The one constant in life that death is always among us, ready to ferry our souls across that dark river of time. Maybe death is teaching us that... I just want them to close the damn beaches. You know, having the opportunity that not everybody gets to speak to death has changed my life. I wish I could could come the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their to to to to to come to to come to to to to their their their their their their their thoomc to speak to death has changed my life. I wish I could hug you right now. I wish I could come down there right now and wrap my sweaty hand.

No, stay there do not come to death. Why are you not getting the message I'm sending? Staying away from the beach of Florida, please. Oh I get it, Death. And hopefully, Florida does too. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives.

But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. Michael, so many people are joining the Black Lives Matter movement, including white people, which I think is ironic considering how quickly white people get onto black trends. Like why didn't this happen earlier? Yes, go off, Jabuki.

What's important though is that we're finally all on the same page. We're fighting to end police brutality and end systemic racism. Yes, yeah, no, yeah. And now that we're all on the same page, we're, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th i i, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, is thi, is thi, thi, We're fighting to end police brutality and end systemic racism. Yes, yeah, no, yeah. And now that we're all on the same page, we just can focus on making sure that everybody is taking action. You know, effective action, not just black squares on the thiii. I couldn't agree more,

Jibuki, posting a black square on to my body. That's why I tattooed a black square onto my body. That's commitment. Why does that look like you're covering up a worst tattoo? It's like a third nipple actually that I'm covering. But look, I'll be tattooing a black square on my body until we dismantle racism in this country, or I run out of skin. Whatever comes first. Okay, well, you're probably gonna run out of skin first, and then you'll just be in permanent blackface.

Blackface, shit. Why does everything I always do end up in blackface? Look, look, forget the black square. What's important is to remind people, there's still a lot you can do to help every day, listening to Ja Rule, text messaging, your black friend, we good. Which by the way, Djibouki, we good? No, no.

Not if that's all that you're doing, no. It's not. I'm doing more. I need a celebrity-style video to show everybody how committed I am. Take a look at this. Black Lives Matter. video to show everybody how committed I am. Take a look at this. Black lives matter. Black lives matter. Black lives matter. Black lives matter. The Vide of our account. Your spirit is in the right place, but you know that there's a difference between symbols and nice gestures and stuff like that and then actual change and action, you know that, right? I know about change. I'm all about change. You remember this guy? Yeah. Oh, hey,

hey Walter. It's not Walter. I changed his name. His new name is racism is bad. Isn't that right? Oh, I love you so much racism is bad. Oh my god. See, okay, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Like, what is it going to take for white people to just genuinely want action or change? Or, or wait, wait. Hey, yeah. Hey, yeah. Hey, yeah, this. this. this. this. this. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his. His, his. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His his. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his. His. His. His. His. His. His. His the the new, the new, the new, the new, the new. the new. the new. the new. the new. the new name. the new. the new. the new. the new, the new, the new, his new, his new, the new going to take for white people to just genuinely want action or change or or wait? Hey, yeah. Kasta, did you know? The cops kill hundreds of dogs every year. What? Yes.

And you know what? Most of them? Unarmed. Well, we've got to defund the police then. All right. Yeah. That's not even enough. we got to defund the police, then. All right, yeah. That's not even enough. We got to abolish the police. 100%.

Yeah, we got to dismantle the entire military industrial complex. Wait, wait, wait. I just donated all my money to the N. the N. Why are we still sitting here? I don't even know. We need to get out to the streets. Racism is bad. We're going to Washington. Let's go.

Let's go. All right. OK. I knew that would work. Yeah, what's up sports fans? I'm Roy Wood Jr. He's Michael Costa. Costa, I don't know about you, but I have been missing sports so much, man. I know. Same here, Roy. I'm so desperate that I've been betting on all the old ESDN games that they've been airing. I'm sorry, you what? What did you say? You know, and I'm down $5,000, but I'm going to make it back tonight because I'm watching last year's Super Bowl and I've got a feeling the 49ers are going to win big. The Kansas City cheats will, you know, never mind, that's going to end

bad. But I will tell you what I have been watching on ESPN, this Michael Jordan 10. the te. teullain, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, th, th, th, th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, their, the thin, thi, the the the the th, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th, th, th, th, th, th, th. I I I I I's, th. I's, th. thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, thin, the thin, thin, thin with the Chicago Bulls quality. Well, yeah, you and everyone else, Roy, I mean, this documentary has everything, drama, greatness, shorts so short that they leave nothing to the imagination. Those shorts were so short, I could see who had a vasectomy. And watching all of that old NBA footage with this documentary, Costa, it's really made me appreciate how fast the fashion trends changed. The NDA in just a few short years went from really short shorts to Jordan's enormous baggy suits. It was like MC Hammer had a formal wear line. Anyway, let's talk current sports. Now, I don't know what you've been going through Couser, but all the leagues on hiatus,

and honestly I've been going through baseball withdrawals. I have a fever of 104. I have a lot of chills. I've been shaking at night, a little bit of diarrhea. Classic signs of baseball withdrawal. I think maybe you should get that checked out. But Roy, you'd be happy to know that they are bringing baseball back in Asia with a few tweets. If you're wondering what Major League Baseball will look like when it comes back, pay attention to South Korea. The Korean Baseball Association put on an exhibition game announcing the start of the new season

will happen on May 5th. Games will be played without fans in the stands in the beginning. Some other rules, players can't shake hands or give high-fives. And this may be a tough one. There's no spitting allowed. And in other parts of the world, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, baseball, in other parts of the world, baseball is back, but with a bizarre twist, in Taiwan, cardboard cutouts and mannequins sit in the stands instead of fans. You know, these mannequins remind me of myself

when I'm watching baseball, emotionless, board, no nipples. My doctors are stumped, right? Oh, come on, man, don't be a hater. You gotta have have something. thiaaaa, to have their their their, their, thiiiia, their, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thin. thin. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. the the th. th. th. the th. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. thin. thin. th. the. the. thea. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. the ta. gotta have something in the stands. Just make sure those mannequins aren't imported from Philadelphia, because if they are, they're still gonna be throwing batteries at you. You know, I just think these new rules in South Korea are too strict. No shaking hands, no high-fives, no spitting? I mean, what's win the bit game, to get dumping Gatorade just throw Clorox on each other's head.

Ah, my eyes are burnt, but my whites have never been whiter. You know what, let's talk about football, Roy, because not only is Tom Brady going to be a Tampa Bay buccaneer this upcoming season, but he's also going to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited to be reunited the the to be reunited the the the to be reunited by the the to be to be to to to to to to to to to their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their, their..... the the the their, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, thean. throoooooooooo' cloo' cloo' clooru. theuroxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. theurox. friend. After one year away from the game, former New England patriot Rob Grunkowski is coming back to play for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, once again joining forces with his former teammate, newly traded quarterback Tom Brady. It doesn't matter brains and no brains. This could be a powerful duo. You just got to hope that the season doesn't get delayed too long. Tom Brady doesn't have the the the the the the their. the the toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. He's toe. toe. toe. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He......................................................................................................................... Brady doesn't have a lot of time left. I mean, the man is already 68 years old. You better watch out for that Corona Tom.

You're in the most vulnerable demographic. I will say this, man. It's gonna be weird seeing two long-time patriots donning a buccaneer's uniforms. My eyes aren't gonna know what's going to know they made the Pope the new KFC Colonel. I'm happy for them, but it's gonna take some getting used to. Yeah, I'd probably still eat there. All right, sports fans, that's it for now. But we'll be back to cover the next big game on the schedule,

which is, let me see, the Kent County, Michigan Crossword Competition. God, damn. to te the tho know what that is but I'm putting two grand on 14 down Here we go you have a problem The Daily Show with Trevor Noah ears edition watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11 10 Central on comedy central and the comedy central app watch full episodes and videos at the daily show dot comfow follow us on Facebook Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it.

This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17th.