The Daily Show: Ears Edition - ICYMI - The Best of Ronny Chieng in Quarantine

Episode Date: July 9, 2020

Ronny Chieng discusses universal basic income with Andrew Yang, talks about getting stuck in Australia due to COVID-19 and shares what he misses about life before quarantine. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. The Trump administration is currently celebrating a coronavirus relief bill that would send most

Americans over $1,000 in cash, which is an idea that sounds necessary and strangely familiar. Andrew, what the fuck? Yo, the Republicans stole your idea. Oh, it's not my idea, and I'm thrilled that they're doing it. But dude, this is your idea. Literally your one idea, you're running on this one thing, and they stole it. Well, you know, they're not going to do it in perpetuity. That would be my idea.

They put it in place where we get it every month forever, then I would be up there, I hope, just clapping and cheerleading because all of this stuff's very, very overdue. Remember when you first started and you were talking about UBI? A lot of people called you crazy. It's a convoluted cockamamy idea. It's this move towards socialism. It's all going to stink. You're going to lose your job. You not going to have anything, so we're going to give you a big handout.

I mean, I don't know that that's going to be inspiring to a lot of Americans. Do you think Americans just needed to be pushed to the brink of death and economic collapse to realize that, hey, maybe giving artificial intelligence, robots are going to do more and more of our jobs and now we've all been sent home and we see that it's obvious that we have no way to help people survive this crisis but to put money directly into our hands. Okay, but how much do you believe that this coronavirus is caused by AI? Is this the first step in the global domination? AI had nothing to do with the coronavirus?

Just a coincidence, just a coincidence that now we depend on computers more than ever. I'm talking to you on a computer. I'm also looking at porn on a computer at the same time. Because computers are great like that. You can multitask. Computers are definitely transforming our way of life in ways big and small. But this virus is a totally different phenomenon. Sorry, Andrew, I didn't hear any of that was multitasking. So how do you stop this administration

from fucking this idea up? Well, we tell them just to keep it as simple as possible. Money in our hands, regardless of who we are, every month, until the crisis is over. And then after the crisis is over, just keep going. Just say, you know what? Who knows? There could be another crisis around the corner. Do you think we should add an extra $500 for all Asians as a racial profiling rebate?

You know, just each of us gets maybe Venmoed a few bucks every time a politician uses the term Chinese virus? I do not think so. I think we should treat everyone the same, Ronnie. Right, got you. Let's let's talk about it in the chat after this I guess the last day I'm wondering is when you look at what's happening out there Do you think it's too late? I wish we'd acted before Ronnie, but it's not never too late to do the right thing? We just need to start doing the right thing for our people? What? No, I mean, is it too late for you to to to to to to to to to to to to th. to the th. th. to th. to the th. th. to th. the th. try to th. try to try to the to to to the to the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. tr. tr. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. th. th. th. th. th. I. I. I meant, is it too late for you to get back in the race? To run for president as an independent? We need to defeat Donald Trump in the fall. I'm dedicated to doing that and helping the Democrats win in the fall. Okay, got it.

So we solve coronavirus first, and then vote for Andrew Yang as independent for President of the United States. Got it. No, that's not right. We take care of our people. We get money into our hands, and we get Donald Trump out of there in the fall. Whatever you say, President Yang. Thanks, Ronnie, not at all what I said. But stay home. Oh, sorry, sorry, I can't hear you. I gotta close this window.

When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple Podcasts starting September 17th.

While we've been going through this corona crisis in America, the Daily Show's Ronnie Chang has been stuck in Australia. There he is, Ronnie Chang. Hey, what's up, Trevor? Oh man, so good to see you, dude, what's going on? I'm okay. I was actually visiting Australia. When all this went down, I came here to pet a koala bear, and all this stuff started happening, so I'm stuck in a hotel room right now and I spent like $2,000 on mini bar peanuts.

Damn. Yeah, yeah. You gotta be careful down them and there's a lot of corona down there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's increasing just like everywhere but don't worry, I've been tested. Where are you being serious? You've been tested,tested tested yeah yeah I just have I can't tell if you being serious right did you really get tested

yeah I got tested oh okay like just just because you like because like you're on TV or just they're just testing people I I think that just I'd match the symptoms because I had a cough and I just came in from America and they gave me everything. They tested me, they gave me a pap smear, they gave me a pregnancy test. I had the whole everything, I did every exam I could in that place. Wow, okay, that sounds unnecessary. I don't know why you did the pregnancy test. Oh, but you'll be glad to know that I'm not pregnant.

Well, I mean, that's obvious. that's obvious, that's obvious, that's obvious, that's obvious, that's obvious, that's obvious, that's that's that's the that's'm not pregnant by the way. Well I mean that that's obvious you would also know whatever the PAPS do a test I'm not that either. I don't think it's testing for a thing to be I think that well look anyway anyway I'm just I'm perfectly healthy the point is I'm perfectly healthy yeah and the point is it's really easy to get tested in Australia much easier than it is in America. Yeah, well, it's like it's impossible to get a test out here. Yeah, I'm hearing stories. Again, I haven't been in America for like four weeks now, but if it makes you feel any better, the corona test doesn't feel great. Okay? They stick that swab way up your nose. It touches the back of your, back of your nasal passage. It's like an anal probe on your nose, man. It's not good. Wait, so then it's like stick the thing up your nose.

Oh, they stick it up and then they twist it like that. Like they're digging your nose for you? Yeah, but not. It feels like, uh, it feels like someone's trying to scratch your brain. Damn. Oh, that sucks. that's sii. that's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the thi. their their their thi. their their their thi. their thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi's like thi. thi. thi's like thi's like thi's like thi. thi. thi. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. things. things. things. things. things things things things things thi. thi. thi. th you had to get the test. I'm also sorry that now you're stuck in a hotel social distancing. That must like be double the pain. No, no, I'm fine, man. I love social distancing. I love this. This is my jam.

I love this stuff. I got to watch all day. I can eat whatever I want. Yeah, but what about all the people who love you? You don't get to see them. And those people are the worst, by the way. People who love you are the worst. They're hugging and kissing and rubbing is every form of affection is like a corona bomb. No thanks. Wow, okay. So if it was up to you, you'd just be interacting over like video calls and stuff. That would be your life. Absolutely. In fact, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, the, th, the, their, th, the, th, the, the, th, the, the, thi, thi, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, their, their, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. Ha, thin. Ha, thin. thou. Ha. thin. thin. thin. Ha. thin. thin. Ha. their, their, their, thethis is the only way we interact. I mean, I don't have to smell your breath, you know, I don't have to, I don't have to

be in contact with your bodily fluids, and if I get bored, I can just pretend I'm having problems with the Wi-Fi. Wow, okay, I mean, that's one way to look at it. But then, like, thrown. You always said you loved having lunch with me every day, so I mean that's sorry Trevor, I'm sorry the Wi-Fi in Australia is actually really really bad So I I can't hear you anymore. I'll just talk to you later man. See you later. Oh, okay. Bye You want to know what I miss about life before quarantine? I miss sports. I just miss going to a bar and just watching a game. Yeah, yeah, I mean, for me personally, I don't miss sports. I miss. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I can th. I can't th. I can can can't th. I can't th. I can't th. I can can can't the the the the the the the the the the the th. I can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can th. I th. I th. I th. I can't th. I can't th. I can't th. I can't th. I can't th. I can't th. I can't t. I t. I t. I ta. I ta. I ta. I ta. I ta. I ta. I t. I t. I can't t. I can't th. I can't t. I just miss going to a bar and just watching a game. Yes. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I for me personally, I don't miss sports, but I just miss the normal things of just hanging out with friends. Do you know what I miss the most? Eating anything outside my home. Oh my God, yes, just going to a restaurant and like holding a menu. Oh, I definitely miss restaurants, man. I miss excusing myself to go to the bathroom and then crawling up in the ceiling and just

living in the air duct for three days. Ah, the best. So snug. You know, what I really miss is just seeing new things. Yeah, man, going new places, traveling. Packing a suitcase, strapping a weapon to your leg, and just going through TSA checkpoint, just to get that thrill when they don't find it. I miss going outside and just seeing a dog and then thinking, if I was a dog, would I find

that dog sexy? And would that dog find me sexy? Do you remember going to the park on Saturdays with your friend and you bring a big five-pound ham to the park and you tell them a good old-fashioned ham toss where the only rule is first one who drops the ham eats the ham. It's the ham. I really miss getting thrown out of old navy. I miss going to the zoo and telling the seals that I'm disappointed in them. Handing rocks to people on the subway and just whispering one day, you will the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th you will you will th you will th you will th you will th you will th. You th. th. th. the the the thoes thoes thoes thus thus thoes one thoes one thoom. thoom. thoom. thoome first thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thol is thol is thol is thol is thol is thol is thol is thol is the the the the the the. the. the. the the the the the the the the the tho tho thoooo thooooooooooooooooooooo o o' thoooooooo o' tho o' thoes thoes telling the seals that I'm disappointed in them. Handing rocks to people on the subway and just whispering, one day, you will know what this means.

I miss going down to the beach and just breathing in that fresh, salty air and strapping a cinderblock to myself and then just walking straight into the ocean. Dressing up like Elmo and time square and whispering into kids that God isn't real. I miss tho the the the the the the the the th to the to the the to the the the the the the the the the thi thi the the the the the the the the the thi. I thi. I thoes thoesk. I tooes. I'm just the theck. I'm just the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their thue. I'm whispering. I'm whispering. I'm whispering. I'm whispering. I'm just whispering. I'm just whispering. I'm just whispering. I'm just just just whispering. I'm just just treeauoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooeseses. I was just whispering. I was just just whispering. I'll go into the zoo and telling the seals that I'm disappointed in them. I said that already. I miss going to the DMV and a diaper, dressing up like a big baby and going, big baby needs a driver's license. You know what I miss? I miss gradually displacing the household staff of a wealthy Korean family and killing the dad and living in the basement. Oh, yes. Yes! Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, the the baby. I I I I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the basement. Oh, yes! Totally. Totally.

I miss going to the movies. Ronnie, what the fuck? What the hell's wrong with you, Ronnie? You're some kind of free. I, um, I think I gotta, I gotta, um, I gotta water myself or something. I gotta go. I'm gonna, guys, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I was. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm th. I'm th. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm just just just th. I'm just th. I'm just th. I'm just th. I'm just th. I'm th. I'm just th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th gotta I gotta water myself for something. I gotta go. I gotta go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I was just joking. Weird. No, no, guys, I don't, don't go, I can be weirder.

I don't, I don't just go to the movies. I, I also take a dump in the popcorn and I eat it. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys? The Daily Show with Cover Noa, Ears Edition. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and subscribe to the Daily Show on

YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News.

Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17.