The Daily Show: Ears Edition - ICYMI - The Best of Roy Wood Jr. in Quarantine

Episode Date: July 7, 2020

Roy Wood Jr. talks to a teen who created a popular coronavirus-tracking website, addresses the power of police unions and learns how to be his own barber. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling? But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. If you've been following the news during this global pandemic, then you'd know that the reported statistics have been as inconsistent as the Wi-Fi at your mama's house.

The same Wi-Fi you told her ass to speed up a long time ago, but what you get, quarantining with your mama during a pandemic. If we didn't do it, you would have had a million people, a but we're going toward 50 or 60,000 people. 100 to 200,000 deaths. And it looks more like the 60,000 than the 100 to 200,000. We have between 100,000 and 200,000. It's like an auction, but there's one credible source whose numbers are trusted globally. One website tracking the coronavirus has become one of the most vital resources for people seeking accurate and updated numbers on the pandemic.

NCOV 2019.Live. And I scored a sit-down with this creator. Wait, who the fuck are you? I'm looking for Avi Shifner. Uh, I'm afraid that's me. How do you? 17? Are you 17 for real?

Are you 17 for real? No, I'm 17. Are you 17 for real? There's some of that Benjamin Button shit. No, I'm 17. Huh. Well if you're the real creator of this website, Ivy, if that's your real name, it is. Then explain how you built it. Sure. The coronavirus website in particular, it works using server-side JavaScript, which means, you know, it's kind of like what PHP was, but but coded in HTML and CSS people that they have there and added to a much larger data set and you know that's these things called a Cron job, so I have that's just basically how. Okay, okay, you know computer shit. Let's move on. Most teenagers spend time making highbrow videos.

This dude chose to make a website tracking a murderous disease. Why? I wanted to make it like just easy to find the information and thought it would just be helpful to some people and you know I started this you know very late December. But you knew in December? Yeah, around the around the 29. Avie spotted a crisis before our own government. Despite his superpowers, why would a teenager invest so much time on a website that doesn't have nudity? What are you trying to get out of this, Avi?

MSNBC show? Because they can swap you with Chris Hayes and no one with others. If they want to give me one, sure. Or are you trying to get into a good college? Because you have to do all this to get in a good college college. I mean, I already have job offers to do full stack web development. I don't necessarily need to go to college for that. And the job offers keep coming because Avey's site currently has over 600 million visitors from every country on the planet, even Antarctica.

Wait, that's a country, right? With that kind of traffic, I know you set. If you need somebody to help you sell ads. Hire me, I'm a good salesman. Well, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I th, I th, I tho, I tho, I'm tho, I'm thu. I'm thu. I'm tho, I'm tho, I'm tho, I'm tho, I'm thi. tho, I'm tho, I'm tho, I don't tho, I'm tho, I'm tho, I'm tho, I'm tho, I'm th. th. th. th. tho, I'm th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to too. too. too. too. too. too. toed. too. too too. too. too. theea. tho. tho. to help you sell ads. Hire me, man. I'm a good salesman. You know, I turned out eight million dollars to put advertisements on the website, but you know, but you know, but there's a, wait, wait, wait, wait, I thought you just said you turned out eight million dollars. You didn't have to be a dumb ass to do that. Yeah, I declined it because I didn't want to be forced to keep my website running. Eight million, eight minute. You see eight million dollars. You just said no. Hey, excuse me a second. I have to one minute.

What am I doing wrong with my life? He's got eight million on the table. I got nothing f-$17.D17 making all the $1.00 money. Meanwhile, I'm at home in a FDixt. I'm back, man. Sorry about that. I just think you crazy for turning it down free money. No disrespect. Two things I got to remember. Avi created a site that offers clarity on the effects Corona's having on the planet.

And secondly, I'm a grown-ass man talking to an underage teen online. I got to wrap this up. So which countries are handling it better than the US? South Korea is definitely handling this way better than the entire world. I mean, they tested so much of their population so fast. I mean, they didn't have to shut down their country their country their country their country their country their country their country their country their country their country their country their country their country their their country. their their their their their t. So, t. So, t. So, t. So, t. So, te. So, I'm, te. So, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I. So, I. So, I. So, I. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. didn't have to shut down their country. Meanwhile, you know, I even had school in months, so. So what do you think we're going to be looking like in September with this quarantine? Because I've got to get out of this house, man. Yeah, well, I guess we'll have to wait and see if but you know until there's a vaccine and things on the future. All right, so you've been great with COVID-19 predictions. How are you with sports? I got money on the Lakers to win it all. I'm sorry, I have to go now, I have a meeting with the United Nations.

Supposed to be a youth ambassador? Wait, wait, wait, wait, just tell me real quick. the Lakers. Have a good day. Abbey? So, so so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. What's going on Roy? How you doing? What's up, man? How you been? Well, I'm as good as I can be, and I'm assuming you've seen that video of Pat Lynch, you know, the head of the New York Police Union. They're asking us to pull back. They're asking us to walk away from you. They're asking us to abandon our communities.

They're asking me to walk away from where I live. They're asking me to walk away from where I work. They're asking us to walk away from the neighborhoods that we brought back. And that's what's happening. And you know what? We don't have a choice. If we put our hands on the criminal, you're going to jail. I'm not being dramatic. That's how bad it is. What did you make of the video? the video? the video? the video? the video? the video? the video? the video? the video? the video? the video? the video? the video? the video? the video? the video? the video? the video? They the video? They the video? They the the the the they they they they they they th. They're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they're they're they they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they the the the the the video. the video. the video. the video. the video. the video. the video? thi. thi. thi. We're thi. We're thi. We're thi. We're thi. We're thi. We're thi. We're they're they're they're they're their they're their the criminal, you're going to jail. I'm not being dramatic. That's how bad it is. What did you make of the video? Yes, I saw Henry Winkler up there at the microphone doing this thing. Look like Henry Winkle.

I thought it was a Happy Days reboot. I was like, this is a terrible time to bring back this show. Also, Sidebar, if you're a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a police a if you're a police union and you vote somebody to be the head of the police union, you probably shouldn't have them be named Pat Lynch. Also, big question, Trevor, where are the rest of the black people that are on this diverse police department? Look at this photo. That looked like a 50-year reunion of a lacrosse team. Yeah, and Roy, another problem is that the police unions

are now basically showing people what a powerful force they are. They're standing up against the reforms and they're so well organized that politicians are afraid of them. So like the question I have for you is, is there anything that can be done to weaken the influence they have? See, see, see, see, African, you're thinking about it wrong, man. See, here's the thing. Everybody's trying to make the police union weaker. All you need to do is make a stronger union, they're stronger than the police union.

That's why I propose that all black people come together, and we form a black union is called the National Black Association. Wait, hold up. The NBA? Shit, man, I'll think of another name. Look, the point is, is that once this union is together, it brings together every black person in the country. And if you're black, you're automatically approved. It's the opposite of a home loan.

Okay, fine. And then what happens once you have the Black Union? How does that help? Once we're organized, every year we'll make America negotiate a new deal with us, and with our strength and numbers, we can finally get our demands met. Hold cops accountable for misconduct, demilitarize the police, shift funding away from cops and towards schools and education. And while we're at it, rescue Kanye West from the sunken place. We need them back, man. Okay, look, Roy, that sounds like fair demands.

But what if America and the Black Union can't agree on a deal? What happens then? Well, then black people just have to take out talents elsewhere. Like when LeBron left Cleveland, only now, thaaaauuuulapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapape. that. that. that. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. people just have to take out talents elsewhere. Like when LeBron left Cleveland, only now is black people leaving all of America. Does America really want that? Do you really want to be without black people? No sports, no music, no more dance moves. Y'all gonna be on Tick Tock doing the hokey pokey after we leave. Good luck going viral with that shit.

I don't know, I don't know, Roy. I don't know. If black people leave America, where will they go? We'll go anywhere. Maybe we'll go to one of them countries that doesn't have any police brutality. You know, Japan, there's New Zealand, there's, um, what's the white one? You can go to Norway. You know what? I don't think we should go to Japan. And by the way, when we do leave America, we'll get ourselves there. We don't need you offering no boat rides.

We're falling for that no more. Uh-uh. Travel vouchers only. Now, if you'll excuse me, Trevor. I need to check on these 50,000 business cards that I can get those canceled. Hey, what's up, man? When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives.

But that's all about to change. Like, none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes a second look starting September 17th wherever you get your podcasts. I've been quarantined for about a month. As you can tell, my hair's been locked up for about five. I need to get a haircut. I know how to solve this problem. I'm gonna call my barber, Chris.

What's up, big homie? What's going on, man? How you doing, man? How's the quarantine? Yeah, everybody good, family's healthy. that, to hit the shop. Yeah, yeah, that's very unfortunate. Listen, back to me. How can you teach me how to cut my hair in about two minutes? Yeah, I got, I can do it.

I could teach you a little something. Well, first, don't mess me up. Look at my hair line. I ain't got before. First you're gonna need to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get there. I'm ready to recreate the black barbershop experience right here. It is the M-Dab from, man. I got everything. Let me see what you got.

I got the mirror. I got the clippers. I got the guards. Got the cones. Got the coa. Plus. Plus that mouthwash y'all put it in right there. That ain't what we use. It's Listerine. Y'all be putting them combs in blue mouthwash? No, man, that's no mouthwash. That's barberside.

It's supposed to disinfect the combs. You're telling me that this is good enough to disinfect my mouth, but not a cone? I don't know, man. I'm gonna cut my hair in my own house. I want the authentic black barber shop and spit. Look what else I got, man. I even got the sandwich that y'all be nibbling on why y'all be cutting people's hat. Let me tell you something, a good barber

don't eat why he cutting a head. You tell me you never seen a barber, just nibbling on some fries. Yeah, what's going on there? I got that second phone you all be having with all the with that super long cord so you can talk to a girl why you couldn't have your kids. What's going on me? Roy, stop it. I'm going to show you how to cut hair. It's all you need to be worried about. The first thing you need to do is take the number two guard and establish a line. Establish a line. Like who's better? Coby or Lebron? Like you got that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. that's that's. th. th. th. th. th. that's the the th. th. th. their th. th. th. the thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. tooo. th. th. to, like that line. Like you gotta let people know where you stand immediately. Uh, no, that ain't what I'm talking. No, no, it's just the line for the fade.

That's where you gonna start your fade. That's where you're gonna start blending. I'm not talking about just a haircut, man. I'm trying to's the point of going to the barber shop? Well, see, that's the thing. You can't get the black barbershop experience at home, because being at the shop is about community, being able to communicate and talk to people and get stuff off your chest. You can't get that at home. Oh, like therapy. Without a doubt, it's therapeutic for the barbers and the customers. Can you just come over? Come over and he's cut in a half so we can argue about Kobe and LeBron.

Too dangerous. It ain't worth the risk. So if barbers are risking their lives just to give somebody a fade, what can we do to help them? Should we bimbur our barber a little bit of money if we thia. Yeah, you can do that, you know, but at end of the day, the best thing you can do to help barbers is just to stay at home, keep with the social distances, so that we can end this quarantine as soon as possible. We can all get back to work. That's right. But in the meantime, man, would you mind doing me a favor? For sure, I got you. Just tell you something. A lot of people give Kobe credit. Kobe won all those rings with Shaq. Phil Jackson just came from winning all those rings with Michael Jordan.

He, he, those championships were handed to him. Yes, yes. Keep going, keep going. Who's better? Pop? Pop, Biggie, they always talk about Biggie. Biggy didn't have the catalog of Tupac. Too far and today for a song. Yeah, what's up sports fans? I'm Roywood Jr. He's Michael Costa. Costa, I don't know about you, but I have been missing sports so much, man. I know. I know. I'm Roywood Jr. He's Michael Costa. Costa, I don't know about you, but I have been missing

sports so much, man. I know, same here, Roy. I'm so desperate that I've been betting on all the old ESPN games that they've been airing. I'm sorry, you what? What did you just say? You know, and I'm down $5,000, but I'm going to make it back tonight because I'm watching last year's Super Bowl and I've got a feel on the 49ers are going to win big. The Kansas City Cheats were, you know, never mind, that's going to end bad, but I will tell you what I have been watching on ESPN, this Michael Jordan ten-part documentary The Last Dance, detailing his last year with the Chicago Bulls, quality. Well yeah, you and everyone else Roy I mean this documentary has everything, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, thin, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, Roy, I mean this documentary has everything, drama, greatness, shorts so short that they leave nothing to the imagination. Those shorts were so short, I could see who had a vasectomy.

And watching all of that old NBA footage with this documentary, Costa, it's really made me appreciate how fast the fashion trends changed. The NBA in just a few short years went from really short shorts to Jordan's enormous baggy suits. It was like MC Hammer had a formal wear line. Anyway let's talk current sports. Now I don't know what you've been going through Gloucester but all the leagues on hiatus and honestly I've been going through baseball withdraws. I have a fever of 104 I have a lot of chills, I've been shaking at night a little bit of diarrhea. Classic signs of baseball withdrawal. I think maybe you should get that checked out, but Roy, you'd be happy to know that they are bringing baseball back in Asia with a few tweets.

If you're wondering what Major League Baseball will look like when it comes back, pay attention to South Korea. The Korean Baseball Association put on an exhibition game announcing the start of the new season will happen on May 5th. Games will be played without fans in the stands in the beginning. Some other rules players can't shake hands or give high-fives and this may be a tough one. There's no spitting allowed. And in other parts of the world, baseball is back, but with a bizarre twist. In Taiwan, cardboard cutouts and mannequins sit in the stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands. But with a bizarre twist, in Taiwan, cardboard cutouts and mannequins sit in the stands instead of fans.

You know, these mannequins remind me of myself when I'm watching baseball, emotionless, bored, no nipples. My doctors are stumped, right? Oh, come on, man, don't be a hater. You've got to have something in the stands. Just make sure those mannequins aren't imported from Philadelphia, because if they are, they are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are still they are still they're they're they're their their, their, their, thoing, thoing, their, thoing. thi. thi. thiol and, their. thiolk. thiom. thiom. thiom. thiom. thiom. thiom. thiom. thiom. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t thaeaa. thaea. thauia. t t t t Philadelphia because if they are, they're still going to be throwing batteries at you. You know, I just think these new rules in South Korea are too strict. No shaking hands, no high-fives, no spitting. I mean, what's even the point? Look, you have to change with the times. Whatever it takes to bring baseball back, I'm all for it. In fact, I'd go a a a a a a a a a their a their a their a their a their a their a step I'd go a step I'd go a step I'd go a step I'd go a step I'd go a step I'd go a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a step a the the the th. I'll a th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to th. to th. to to to the. to to to to to to to the. theat to to the. thi. the thi. the the thi. bit game, to get dumping Gatorade just throw Clorox on each other's head. Ah! My eyes are burnt, but my whites have never been whiter.

You know what, let's talk about football Roy because not only is Tom Brady going to be a Tampa Bay Buccaneer this upcoming season, but he's also going to be reunited with an old friend. After one year away from the new-England patriot Rob Grunkowski is coming back to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. their. their. their. their. their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their. their. their. their. their. their, their. their. their, their, their, their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. After. their. their. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. thean the. the. the. the. the. their their their their former New England patriot Rob Grunkowski is coming back to play for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Once again joining forces with his former teammate, newly traded quarterback Tom Brady. It doesn't matter brains and no brains. This could be a powerful duo. You just got to hope that the season doesn't get delayed too long. Tom Brady doesn't have a lot of time. I mean the man it's already 68 years old. You better watch out for that th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the th. th. th. the th. the th. the th. th. the th. th. th. th. the th. the the the th. th. th. th. the the the the the th. the the the the the the th. the the th. the tod. tod. tha. tha. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. today, today, today, today, te. today, te. today, today, today, today, today, today, t watch out for that Corona Tom. You're in the most vulnerable demographic. I will say this, man. It's gonna be weird seeing two longtime Patriots donning a Buccaneers uniforms.

My eyes aren't gonna know what's going on. I hear you, it's gonna be like if they made the Pope, the new KFC Colonel. I'm happy for them, but it's gonna take some getting to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to to some getting used to. Yeah, I'd probably still eat there. All right, sports fans, that's it for now, but we'll be back to cover the next big game on the schedule, which is, let me see, the Kent County Michigan Crossword Competition. God damn.

I'll tell you what, Roy, I don't know what that is, but I'm putting two grand on 14 down. Here we go. You have a problem. Do you want to go outside? But hate wearing a face mask? They're hard to put on. They get all up in your eyes and your breath smells like ass. Well now you ain't got to worry about covering your face because Leo is on the case. Introducing the Leo Deblin germ blaster. Strap these suckers to your head, and everybody's getting their germs blown back in their face. This works for all airborne illnesses,

such as corona and even gone a real. Ahew, go back to where you came from, sneeze. Now you might say, but Leo, I already have the corona. How do I stop my germs from hitting other people? Well, guess what? I got a solution for that too. Introducing the Leo devil and germ sucker. Strap this baby to your gut and all your germs get sucked away. Now I don't need to wear a face mask to enjoy a quiet walk outside. And if you're asking, is this FDA approved? Let me put it this way.

The FDA is too busy to not approve it. The Leo Deblin germ blaster sucker. It ain't but $85. You can get that from your mama! Leo Dublin, Shodasusaka, an institute of barber thin. Exhibit 120 by the Fairgrounds, an institute of barberburns. The Daily Show with Covenoa, Ears Edition. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show.com. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube

for exclusive content and more. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17.