The Daily Show: Ears Edition - In the Field with Stephen Colbert

Episode Date: July 28, 2025

Celebrate legendary Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert with a look back at some of his best work from the field. Stephen talks to political consultants to find out what his opinions should be. He talks to smokers who feel like they're being discriminated against. He finds out how to protect the native habitat of gun ranges, and whether keeping pennies makes sense. He meets with a BBQ restaurant owner trying to bring back confederate pride, and gives helpful tips on living life in a police state. Finally, he embeds with the military deep in the wilds of New Jersey to learn how to cover a war. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Comedy Central. There are a whopping 469 congressional seats up for grabs on Tuesday, but just how do you get one of those positions? Well, our own Stephen Colbert shows us how in another installment of his award-winning series, the jobbing of America. Come on, America, let's go jobbing. ["Jobbing of America"]

The first thing I'll need is a set of heartfelt ideas and opinions. Congressman get those from pollster strategists like Kellyanne Conway. I'm not here to be twisted and molded and baked in your focus group fired kiln. I'm a man of two unshakable principles. What are they? Your view on security and your view on quality of life. Which group of voters will be the most important?

Forget soccer moms from the 90s. You want to get not yet moms. The nims. They're the ones you want to get. What about the MILFs? The MILFs? Middle income. Moms I'd like to fuck.

It's a fairly large demographic. You probably should not run. Okay. Great. Now I have long held personal beliefs. I could either go door to door to communicate those ideas to like minded citizens with a grassroots campaign or I could get some money and actually win. For that I turned to fundraiser Mike Frioli.

Are there groups out there from whom you would not take money? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeee eeeeee no. money take money from handgun control Brady and gun control. Yes. They're on opposite sides. There is no middle. Why can't their common ground be my bank account? So listening to the vote is not going to work. I don't see why not. I see what you're doing there, Steve, and I wish you luck in your campaign, but it's not going to work for you.

Okey-doke. Now that I've got loads of cash, I can hire a political ad maker like Bill Greener to help me communicate my positive message of hope. When do I get to go negative? I want to go negative before my opponent does. Generally speaking, the rule of thumb is if you know something's going to happen, predict it. My opponent has accused me of running a sweatshop that made knockoff FUBU sportswear

that I then sold to the African American community at criminally inflated prices. But there is zero paperwork to back that up. Is the attack by your opponent true or not true? No, it's a misunderstanding. The truth is that I know a large number of people in the immigrant Filipino community who needed some place to do their sewing. But I don't see that as a negative. I want to spin that into a positive about job creation.

That dog doesn't hunt. My political education complete. I'm ready to introduce myself to America. A vote for Stephen Colbert is a vote for family. My wife Barbara and I did our best to teach our children Christian values, and I'm committed to doing the same thing with this woman I left Barbara for. And ideas. I believe that elementary schools should be for our children, but my opponent is against

all that. My opponent wants to raid the Social Security Trust Fund and use your tax dollars to tear down buildings like this one. I don't care how many votes it costs me. I say let our national monuments stand for our children. It's your choice, America. I believe the letters USA stand for something, and that's us. Ass****.

November 5th, vote Stephen Colbert for government office yet to be determined. Paid for by Greenpeace and the National Association of Whale Killers. Now our country has gone a long way towards overcoming racial discrimination, but sadly, other kinds of bigotry have emerged to take its place. Recently, our own Stephen Colbert blew the lid off one new form of intolerance. Audrey's silk has been kept down so long, she don't know what up is. It's become the new form of discrimination that's acceptable to everybody. It's created the second class group of citizens that we haven't heard about since the 60s. There are some of us who just don't wanna take that anymore. All we wanna be able to do is smoke in peace.

It's called smokeism, the systematic oppression of a minority simply because they were born smokers. Are smokers discriminated against on a daily basis? Yes. You can't smoke in most restaurants. You can't smoke in your workplace. It's gotten even worse in segregation.

Not only are they trying to put us on the back of the bus, but even more so off the bus completely. Rosa Parks didn't know how good she had it. And like a white female nicotine addicted Martin Luther King, Audrey advocates civil disobedience. I would like all the smokers to start smoking in places they're not supposed to smoke. But the man, he don't care. Meet non-smoking supremacist John Banzath.

This old whitey heads a group of smoke-hating crackers called ASH. What does ASH stand for? But let me guess. Just tell me if I get a word wrong. Arian... Stop. ASH stands for Action on Smoking and Health. Why shouldn't people be allowed to smoke where they want? Why shouldn't people be allowed to masturbate where they want?

I ask myself that question every day. According to the Centers for Disease Control, the American Medical Association, the World Health Organization, every scientific and medical body which has studied the subject, it kills more than half a million Americans each year. You're talking about smoking, not masturbating, right? Sure, the AMA and the CDC are convinced,

but what about this guy in the short sleeves? Mr. Colby, are you a medical doctor? Oh, no. Have you ever done medical research in a laboratory setting? Oh, no. With all this expertise, what conclusions have you come to? Smoking does not cause lung cancer.

Good enough for me. So where did the cancer hoax begin? You won't be one bit surprised. Well, it goes back to Nazi Germany. Okay, maybe a little surprised. Mr. Colby, did Hitler smoke? Oh no, he hated smokers. Which leads to one obvious question.

Professor Banzhaf, name one way you're not Hitler. That's the stupidest question I ever heard. I didn't do anything to him. I'll take that as a I don't have a mustache. I didn't even find an answer. I'll take that as I don't have a mustache. I don't think you do. Let's get back to masturbation for a second. Where does that right stop? Simply because you want to do something doesn't mean that

you have a right to do it. If that logic prevails, then there should be masturbation and non-masturbation sections in restaurants and workplaces and airplanes. I think that's enough about masturbation. Why do you keep harping on that? I keep watching. You keep bringing it up. You brought it up. For now all smokers can do is keep their eyes on the prize. I have a dream that we'll be able to go out in public and socialize with our friends and our family in settings outside the home. A dream that one day we'll all be judged by the content of our character and not the color

of our lungs. your ticket to more with the new be no via a porter mastercard and get up to twenty four hundred dollars in value in your first thirteen months terms and conditions apply visit be no dot com slash the i porter to learn more years unchecked urban sprawl has been robbing our nation of pristine lands and indigenous wildlife. Stephen Colbert went to Maryland to file this disturbing report. Someone once said, unchecked urban sprawl has been robbing our nation of its pristine lands and their indigenous wildlife.

And now it is threatening the habitat of one of America's most treasured species. Pull. The gun enthusiasts. Known for their colorful plumage and 12 gauge mating calls, these gentle killing machines must have shooting ranges so they can shoot stuff. Ahead of me, you can see some hunters. It's a small pack. I'm not going to get too close. They have guns.

But even guns won't protect them from the sprawl. I spoke with firing range manager Ben Wise. Are you concerned about the shrinking habitat of the hunter? With the urban sprawl, it's gonna get very tough. And these skeet shooters maintain a delicate symbiotic relationship with skeet. How many clay pigeons do you have here on the preserve? We'll have close to 90,000 a month.

Do the hunters tend to keep that number down? Oh what we're looking at is it endangered? Yes, yes it is. Endangered because a scant 75 yards away heartless homeowners like Byron Belcher are complaining about the noise Even though the shooting range was there before the development. Well, the development was here before the shooting range Whatever. The point is these soulless homeowners are less concerned about protecting the heavily armed gunman and more concerned about their ears I have a problem with the noise which is very loud and it's continuous. Why can't you live peacefully with the firing range? They live peacefully with you, except for all the shooting.

Why do you think people complain about the sounds of nature? Well, they just want to complain about something, I guess. There are a lot louder things that you could live next to. Um, a dynamite factory. Because of a senseless sound ordinance, for a perilous moment, it appeared that the silencers would prevail. But when all seemed lost, state senator and gun lover-lover Phil Gimeno bravely stepped in to protect the nesting place of the khaki-vested marksman.

We passed legislation to protect existing gun clubs so they can maintain their hours of operation. His heroic bill freed gun clubs from noise restrictions. For the record, you're not supporting this bill because you're in the NRA's pocket. They don't own you. You're not their puppet on a string. You're not a wind-up toy, which the NRA has the key.

You're not in the NRA's harem. No one in the NRA is going to say, that one there with the fiery eyes, have him bathed and brought to my tent. That's not going to happen. That's exactly right. Regardless of whose bitch Senator Gimeno isn't, the shooting range is protected... for now.

But America's wilderness is still disappearing, and its bewildered, displaced inhabitants are quickly becoming a danger to us, and sadly, to themselves. Stephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen. Nicely done. Excellent report. I hate to contradict. I hate to contradict that report, Stephen. Obviously you put a lot of time and effort into it.

But I think maybe the neighbors might have a valid argument, the homeowners. Okay, I'll bite. What is it? There's high powered weaponry firing yards away from their homes 12 hours a day. It could be kind of nerve-racking. Wow. No one ever really put it quite like that, John. That suddenly, I really feel for the homeowners. Hold on, hold on just a second.

Chuck, could I get a close up? Oh. Those poor home-owning bastards. If only they had guns. Thank you, Stephen. Stephen Colbert, everybody. We'll be right back after this. 13 million pennies are minted every day, but now some are saying enough is enough. Keep the penny or lose the penny.

Stephen Colbert tries to make sense of the heated debate. A pretty penny. Penny for your thoughts. Penny Marshall. The one cent piece is as American as apple pie, but to some, the penny has become public enemy number one. The pennies is a nuisance, period. End of discussion. Jim Benfield is a Washington lobbyist

crusading against the penny because of all the time it wastes. It's about two to two and a half seconds per cash transaction. But Washington, D.C.'s chief coin collector, Jack Shattig, is eloquently pro-penny. Why do you think pennies stir up such deep fiery emotions? Uh... I think there's a lot...

The penny is... It's part of... Part of your... What things are. I... Clearly, there are passionate arguments to be made on both sides of this divisive issue, and so to quell the controversy, we turn to a voice of reason. Meet Dr. Bozo Einstein, noted social philosopher and monetary theorist who has a theory about

money. Theory stands for the word, theos, which is blasphemy for the mighty Zeus. I do not have theories on anything. Okay, theories no, but a 350 page manifesto, yes. Okay I think I have the basic idea. But what about pennies? I like the penny. It's brown, it's different.

A powerful argument. And furthermore, without pennies, how would we pay at the register? What you do is you round the transaction up or down to the nearest nickel. One and two go down, three, four go up, six, seven go down, eight, nine goes up. But how simple is rounding in reality? Take us through it, Doctor. Let's crunch some numbers. Okay, now to my knowledge,

volume of a penny is 1.38 times 10 to the negative five cubic foot. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Are we getting close here? I figured out. I'm owning the norm today. All right, all right. Given the obvious complexities of rounding, Dr. Einstein offers the only logical answer to the penny debate. Abolish all other coin money but the penny. A common sense solution, but one that sadly falls on deaf ears.

One expert says the penny is the only coin we should keep. Oh, I'd like to talk to that person. Ha ha! Give my phone number. I will. I will. Stephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

That's good work. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That's all I've got to say to work. Thank you. Thank you, John. Thank you. Stephen, it seems like the only reason that people want to get rid of pennies is because it wastes transaction time. Well, that's what they'd have you believe, John,

but I believe that the real reason is racism. John, the penny is brown. Lincoln freed the slaves. Sure, so let's get rid of the penny. I think that's a reach. John, trust me on this one. There's a pattern here. The nickel is shiny.

It's almost white. Jefferson's on the nickel. Jefferson had slaves. Jefferson had sex with slaves. Washington is on the quarter. Jefferson had slaves. Jefferson had sex with slaves. Washington is on the quarter. He's white. He had slaves. Kennedy, the half dollar, white. He had slaves.

I don't think Kennedy had slaves. Sure, John. And he was monogamous. And, uh, and assassinated. Thank you, Stephen. Thank you, John. into the dark and they never came back. I'm the director of Barbarian. A lot of people died in a lot of weird ways. You're not gonna find it in the news

because the police covered everything well up. On August 8th. This is where the story really starts. Weapons. Martin Luther King Day is, among other things, a time to look back on how far race relations have come in these United States. Stephen Colbert traveled down south to file this inspiring report. Has there been progress? Well, in South Carolina, a long-standing problem with the Confederate flag flying at the State

House has finally been resolved thanks to the heroic efforts of forward-thinking state senator Glenn McConnell. The flag was a problem, but you changed it. How did you do that? The first flag that went up was cotton, and we changed it to a nylon flag. The flag out there now is weather resistant. That sounds like progress to me. Yeah.

But sadly, inequity still exists between the races. So state lawmakers tried to even the playing field by supporting the greatest of all civil rights holidays. We made Confederate Memorial Day a mandatory state holiday. But in South Carolina, shockingly, Confederate Memorial Day a mandatory state holiday. But in South Carolina, shockingly, less than 5% observe this day that honors those who fought for the Confederate way of life. But civil rights leader slash barbecue king Maurice Bessinger is fighting to change that.

Don't you think Confederate Memorial Day was the sort of thing that Martin Luther King was fighting for? Yes, yes I think Dr. Martin Luther King would support Confederate Memorial Day today. And like Martin Luther King, he believes that the truth will set you free. Truth is the truth and the truth is that the black people are much better off here today than if it stayed in Africa. No more tigers? No more, right. No more... Well, I wish I knew more about Africa, but no more of a lot of things.

Right. Maurice's need to speak the truth has led to a boycott of his chain of cozy restaurants, his delicious barbecue sauce, and his fashionable line of Confederate tube socks. All this only proves there are some in the South who still discriminate. Why are you so bent on keeping the Confederacy down? We don't believe that Confederate Memorial Day is a day that we should celebrate.

It would represent torture, slavery, exclusion, and all the things that we would not embrace as Americans and lovers of freedom. Yes, but why else? Why would anyone want to take away Confederate Memorial Day? Isn't it bad enough the South got its tail kicked in the Civil War? I mean, kicked all over the place, like left and right, like slapped. Well, we need to have everything happening. Like they were just a bunch of silly little girls wearing frock coats pretending to fight.

Though he may not win, Maurice finds solace in the words of an old Confederate hymn. Are you familiar with the work of the British poet William Idle? Not really. He wrote, if I remember correctly, In the midnight hour, she cried more, more, more. With a revel yell, she cried more, more, more. More, more, more, more. More, more, more.

I don't know if you think that captures something about something. We'll keep on going. We're never going to give up. We're going to get our rights back. We're the rebel, yeah. More, more, more. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Did you find in your travels down there any bright spot in all this? Yes, John, thankfully there is one bright spot. It's Maurice's barbecue. It's really amazing. You know, I didn't think I was going to want the, I didn't think I really enjoyed the mustard-based barbecue sauce, but I have to tell you, it's really got some zip. Well, if I could just get getting back to the story at hand, I was actually surprised by how far clearly we still have to go to heal the wounds of racism.

It's surprising. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. That didn't really surprise me. What did surprise me was just how sweet this sauce is. Without surrendering any of its spiciness, you know, it's really I don't know if it was jalapeno or cayenne or something, but It just blindsided me John. As a journalist. Stephen I noticed in the report didn't you mention that there was a boycott against Maurice's barbecue?

Yeah. And I fully support it, John. I mean, I didn't get any coleslaw or any hush puppies. Power to the people, John, we can change the world. Yeah! Now the discovery of forgotten surgical instruments wedged into your digestive track is but one of many advantages to the heightened state of security here in America. The Bush administration's new Patriot Act also allows for search without warrant and

detention without a lawyer. It's a brave new world. And our Stephen Colbert explores it in a segment we call, So You're Living in a Police State. ["So You're Living in a Police State"] ["So You're Living in a Police State"] ["So You're Living in a Police State"] ["So You're Living in a Police State"] Oh, hi. I didn't see you there in the sprinkler head.

I'm Stephen Colbert and welcome to So You're Living in a Police State. Attorney General John Ashcroft has been working overtime to give the government sweeping new powers in the name of national security. Of course, nervous Nellies and Constitution huggers have been crying foul. Hopefully today I can show you how the curtailing of your civil liberties doesn't have to be oppressive. It can be fun-pressive. So join me, won't you?

Who knows? You may even end up on a list. Oops-a-daisy. Forgot I was on camera. Constant government surveillance. Big Brother equals big fun. Everybody wants to be on television. And thanks to the new police state, everybody will be.

Not just on the street, also in here. Even in here. And who knows where else. And who knows where else? Hey, there's something I didn't know. I have a polyp. Thanks, police state. Invasion of privacy. How omniscient government supercomputers can work for you. Losing something can be so frustrating. It's hard to remember where we put things. And psychics can be so frustrating. It's hard to remember where we put things. And psychics can be so expensive.

But thanks to the new Department of Homeland Security, losing something will soon be a thing of the past. What? I'm gonna c*** the president. Hey guys, where are my keys? Thanks. You guys are sweethearts. Homeland security is every patriot's duty. You can get into the act too. Darn it! Citizen surveillance. Who would you like to see arrested? Does your neighbor have something you covet? Hello government. This is Jack... Jacklison. Anyway, my neighbor has been acting kinda suspicious.

I notice he eats a lot of falafel and baba ganoush and stuff. And presto betrayo, he's declared an enemy combatant. And the government doesn't even have to tell him what he's charged with. I'll keep an eye on her for you, Habib. Don't worry, if he's innocent, he'll be released. Eventually. You're soft. To protect yourself from your neighbor's inevitable counter betrayal, you might want to spray paint the

Ten Commandments on the roof of your house. This will let the Predator Drone Surveillance Aircraft know you're one of the good guys. commandments on the roof of your house. This will let the Predator Drone Surveillance Aircraft know you're one of the good guys. But, Steven, you're probably being recorded as saying, doesn't all this government spying on its citizens mean losing our basic freedoms? Of course not.

It means gaining limits on those freedoms, something Uncle Sam likes to call Freedom Plus. And there's so many more benefits. In a fear-based economy, everybody's a spy. Total surveillance means total employment. Also, all additional benefits classified under the United States Patriot Act of 2001. For further information about these benefits, report to Federal Detention Centers. Uh, Happy Clown Candy Centers.

Of course, not everybody can handle that much freedom. For those who absolutely need their privacy, these convenient privacy boxes are just the ticket to get away from it all. I'm Stephen Colbert. I hope you've learned something tonight, but most of all, I hope you enjoy the police state. John?

Thank you Stephen. You know, that wasn't dark enough. We'll be right back. moving to campus, IKEA has hundreds of design ideas and affordable options to complement any budget. After all, you're in your small space era. It's time to own it. Shop now at IKEA.ca. And as our military gets ready for war with Iraq, the question remains, will our media be ready for war with Iraq? We got a chance will our media be ready for war with Iraq? We got a chance to find out when we sent our own Stephen Colbert to the front lines to find out.

I got my orders at dawn. The military was conducting war exercises at Fort Dix to show the media what it would be like to cover a real war in Iraq. My mission would take me deep into the heart of darkness, southern mid-New Jersey, a nightmare realm where all the rest stops have Roy Rogers. At the base we met Lieutenant Colonel Hudspack, tough old bastard, hard as nails. If you for any reason feel like I'm just too cold, I wasn't prepared for this, please tell us because we want to get you back into a warm van.

I knew I was going to hate this guy. We were a ragtag group, kids mostly. There was the fresh-faced 40-year-old from TV Guide. We called him Tiny. South Korean correspondent Kim Park, aka Brooklyn. South Korean correspondent Kim Park, aka Brooklyn. There was deuces, velvet hat, and, uh... Crab cakes? Yeah. Crab cakes. We marched out to the DMZ, the media zone,

knowing that some of us wouldn't be coming back until about 4.30. At first, we didn't trust each other. I don't trust you. Then gradually over time with patience we earned each other's trust. Okay I trust you now. Crab cakes had been there since 10 a.m. The ordeal had cut the humanity right out of him. And all that time how many people do you think you've shot yeah man after the first 10 you just you lose came I'm just glad that crazy bastard was on our side the morning crawled on we were ready for action and by action of course I mean the 1030

seminar on press conference protocol. But evidently the first casualty of a fake war is the itinerary. Due to technical delays, we're not yet ready to present the ambush scenario, so... Noon brought a surprise. Still more nothing. The only thing that kept us sane was remembering those we loved the most. kept a sane was remembering those we loved the most. My dearest, how I longed to be alone with you, to run my fingers through your raven hair, to touch your milk-white skin.

It is 02-1500. We've been here for, I don't know, a long time. It is so cold I could snap my genitals off like a graham cracker. Then suddenly, completely with warning, we were in the thick of it, and all our training went out the window. Get a shot of this. Go get that, get that, get that. This is incredibly confusing.

Nobody knows who's with CBS, who's with UPI. It's just chaos. The kind of chaos that can unhinge a man's mind. I love musicals. And in the middle of the madness, the unthinkable happened. I just wanted to get out of there, but then I remembered the number one rule for reporters covering a fake war. Never leave any man behind. I see deuces.

Okay. I see crab cake. How about... I don't see Brooklyn. Brooklyn! Brooklyn! That's my ride. Well, he's just one man. We can leave him.

As I said goodbye to Deuce's crab cake and this guy, let's call him Huggy, I knew I wasn't the only person this day would haunt forever. Do you think this experience might haunt you? Not at all. The horror. the horror. Where had I parked my Volvo? Stephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much.

Stephen, thank you so much for that report. It's very moving. It seems like you so much for that report. It's very moving. It seems like you had a very profound experience. Yes, John, and it's far from over. What do you mean? I thought it was just a day. So did I, John, but I just found out

that while I was there, I fathered this beautiful Amoritan child. Maylee, there she is. Isn't she beautiful, John? She is quite beautiful. How old is she, Stephen? She's nine. I don't want to question this, but you just shot the story last week, so that doesn't make any sense. Does anything in war make sense, John? All right.

Thank you very much, Stephen. Explore more shows from The Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount+. on Comedy Central and stream full episodes

anytime on Paramount+. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.