The Daily Show: Ears Edition - John Leguizamo Reports On Trump’s Grand Jury Indictment | Ritchie Torres

Episode Date: March 31, 2023

John Leguizamo tackles the latest news, including a grand jury voting to indict former president Trump, updates from the Dominion lawsuit against Fox News, and Elon Musk calling for a pause in AI research. New York Congressman Ritchie Torres discusses his wild first few weeks on the jobSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. You know, what's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm John Legozo? And, and, yo, it's my last day here. And, oh, yeah. But it's been amazing, man.

And, tha'a' tha'a' tho' tho. Daily show I'm John Leguezamo and and yo it's my last day here. Oh yeah but it's been amazing man I just been having so much fun goofing speaking out on topics I care about there's no amount of money that could match this feeling but if you're feeling generous and I also take Venmo. All right we got a great show for you tonight. So let's get into the headlines. All right, you know we've had such a heavy week of news, so I thought, you know, we'd wrap up things this week with some light-hearted news that's really going to put a smile on your face.

We're interrupting this package right now because we have some breaking news, and it is historic news out of Lower Manhattan right now. A federal jury, a grand jury, has voted to indict former President Trump, the first time ever that a former president has been criminally charged. That's right. I lost my chair. Yeah, yeah. That's right. I lost my chair.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's right. That's right. That's right. Lady Justice grabbed Trump by the pussy. And you know I take a firm stance against mass incarceration, okay? But for this, I'm willing to make an exception. I just hope they take it easy on him and put him at least in a cell with his lawyer. But hey, let us be a lesson to all your kids out there, okay? If you commit fraud to cover up an affair with a porn star, the law will catch up to you after like seven years and a full term as president. Now, I know we're all open to see him put in handcuffs, but we don't know how it's

all going to go down. The report is that they're going to try to negotiate his surrender. Either that or they'll leave a trail of Big Max leading to the prison. And you know, a lot of pundits, like Lindsay Graham, are saying this is going to be good for Trump. But, motherf-fah, why don't, why don't, why don't, why don't, why don't, why th, why th, why th, why th, why th, why th, why th, why th, why th, why th th th th-in, th-in, th-in, th-a, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho? thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. theeee? tho. tho? th. But, mother fuck, why don't you get arrested and see if it's good for you. Shit. Anyway, we don't know when this will actually arrest him or how it's going to pan out, but hey, maybe going to prison might be good for Trump, it may be what he needs. Because at least in prison he'll be able to pursue his greatest passions, reading, working out, and converting to Islam.

All right. There's still other stuff going on, so let's shift gears and talk about Fox News. I know, I know, look, I know, but you know what, I think they've gotten a bad rap. No seriously, everyone's saying that they're just propaganda, but I think that's all a misunderstanding. In fact, in fact, if you can prove to me that Fox News is intentionally lying to its viewers, I'll shave my beard. Another stunning new filing in the Dominion lawsuit against Fox. Newly revealed email showing Fox News chief executive Suzanne Scott lashing out in an

email after a correspondent, fact-checked, Trump's election lies. She said this has to stop and goes on to say this is a bad business and there clearly is a lack of understanding what is happening in these shows. The audience is furious and we are just feeding the material bad for business. Yep, yep, that'll teach me. I guess I lost. But yeah, Fox News got mad at their fact checker. I don't even know they had a fact checker. You know, it's like hearing there's a head of diversity at the KKK.

And secondly, what kind of news network gets mad when their journalists do the journalism? I mean, one of their reporters could win a Pulitzer Prize and his boss would be like, do you know how bad this looks for us? You better go out there on air and say Hillary Clinton is a vampire lesbian or you're going to be fired. Yo, I can't wait to see what other things Fox admits to in these emails. I mean, we're a few weeks away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away away thi away thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their. their, their, their, their, their, their, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. theat thean. thean. theat thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. their, their, their, the what other things Fox admits to in these emails. I mean, we're a few weeks away from finding out Sean Hanley does a drag story hour at his local kindergarten. Yeah, yeah.

And finally, let's move on to a big story about artificial intelligence. I know, I know everyone's scared of it, but you know what, I think AI has gotten a bad rap. No, no, seriously, in fact, if you can show me that any actual experts in technology are worried that AI is gonna take over the world, I'll save my pubs. This morning, a warning from Elon Musk and other tech industry experts

about the power of artificial intelligence. Musk and hundreds of influential names, including Apple co-founder Wozniak are calling for a pause in experiments saying AI poses a dramatic risk to society unless there's proper oversight. Tech industry leaders pose these existential questions. Should we develop non-human minds that might eventually outnumber, outsmart, obsolete and replace us? Should we risk loss of control of our civilization? Musk and others are asking developers to stop the training of AI systems more powerful than GPT4 for at least six months so that safety protocols can be established. I gotta stop making these stupid promises before I go to news clips.

But yes, that's right. AI is getting too powerful as soon as it knows how to pick which of these images is a bike. We're f- F. Now for more on AI's, threat to humanity, we go live to chat GPT headquarters where Desi Lydick is joining us. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Desi, Desi, why does it look like you're dressed for a war? And also there was a sale of Dick's sporting goods.

that's mostly the war thing. Look, it is us versus the machines. Because I am dressed for a war. And also there was a sale at Dick's sporting goods. But mostly the war thing. Look, it is us versus the machines. And it's time to pick to to to to to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to to go to to go to go to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to the to the the to the the the the the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the war. the the the the the the the the the the the thi. the the the the too. the too. Look, it is us versus the machines, and it's time to pick aside. Desi, Desi, why are you so eager to go to war with AI? Come on, John. War with the machines is inevitable, so let's do it now while it's still a chatbot,

instead of waiting until it's a bloodthirsty killbot. Look, if there's one thing that I learned from working at Chuck E. Cheese, it's a lot easier to fight a child than it is an adult. I don't know. I don't know. Desi, war with AI sounds like a really bad idea. No way. War with AI would give humanity a common purpose. We are so divided right now.

Russia versus Ukraine, Democrats versus Republicans, Selena Gomez fans versus Haley Bieber fans. But now it's us versus the machines versus Haley Bieber fans. Hey Desi, but AI is getting more powerful by the day. What if we start this war, then immediately lose it? I'm pretty sure you never lose a war that you start. But if we do, then we're going out together, John. You and me, in a bunker with two cyanide pills. I take them both and you strangle yourself with your bare hands. Oh, come on. Couldn't I have one of those Sinite pills? No, no, it was my idea. I get them both.

Oh, come on Desi. You're getting ahead of yourself. For all we know, AI could lead humanity to like a new golden age or something. Oh, sweet, sweet, naive, publess John Lekwizan. Take it from me. Humans and robots can never coexist. It's like I said to my manager at Chuck E. Cheese. I'd rather die on my feet than live one more day in this animatronic hellscape. So clean the piss out of the ball pit yourself, Doug, I quit.

Desi Lydick, everybody. When we come back, we'll talk about what's really happeningto the Daily Show. Tonight, I want to talk about the scariest topic you'll ever hear about on the campaign trail, the southern border. Wait, sorry, that was the wrong sound effect. The southern border. See, see that's not so scary. It's all about how you frame it. See, see, that's not so scary.

It's all about how you frame it. Because whenever Americans hear about the border, it's always so negative. But the truth is, America's southern border has a rich history steeped and cross-cultural pollination. Because for thousands of years, that area has been the grand central station of the continent. In fact, for well over a century, America had no barrier at all on its border. And when they finally put one up, it had none to do with people. In the early 1900s, ticks are causing disease among cows in rural areas.

Those cows are crossing back and forth over the border. So the first ever border fence is actually built to keep cows from spreading disease. That's right, the first border fence was to keep out ticks. It's the one time it wasn't racist to say, we gotta stop these filthy animals from coming over here. And that's just one of the many things people get wrong when it comes to America's southern border. So I thought tonight we could separate border myths from border facts.

And another installment of Long Story Short. Look, we can talk about numbers or figures or demographics, but the immigration debate is never about facts. It's about fear. Hordes of machete-wielding illegals are pouring over the borders to take your job and put fentanyl in your guacamole. That's why it's always cost extra. Yo, this type it's always cost extra. Yo, this type of rhetoric isn't meant to solve any problems. It's meant to dehumanize immigrants into zombie criminals

because then all you'll want to do is build the wall. The phrase made famous by the man who might have to hold his next inauguration in prison cafeteria. Most illegal immigration is coming from our southern border. We will build a great wall and we will stop illegal immigration for good. We'll build the wall folks, don't even worry about it. Go to sleep. Go home, go to sleep, rest assured. Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

Go to sleep. This is the worst bedtime story ever. Now, one of these kids are so f-f-fix-up. Now, to hear Trump tell it, a wall would put a stop to illegal immigration, but that's a myth, because the truth is, these days a majority of undocumented immigrants come into the country legally, and they just overstay their visas. That means most illegal immigration doesn't start at the Rio Grande, it starts at the airport between the Cineabun and the baggage claim. And by the way, Donald Trump, of all people,

I thought you would understand wanting to stay longer than you're supposed to. Yep. And here's another myth, because for some demagogues, brown people come in America isn't scary enough on its own, so there's one specific type of immigrant that they want to scare you about, the drug smugglers. Illegal immigrants from Mexico who are trafficking these pills that look like candy for children into the country. They're carrying drugs on their back, they're bringing fentanyl. Those people are bringing in fentanyl, which is killing, their their thi, thi, their people, their people, thi, thi, thi, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, their people, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, their people, their people, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, brown, their people, brown, their people, their people, brown, brown, their people, brown, their people, their people, their people, their people, their people, They're carrying drugs on their back, they're bringing fentanyl. Those people are bringing in fentanyl, which is killing thousands of Americans every month.

It's not like fentanyl walks across the border by itself. It comes with illegal immigrants. Of course fentanyl doesn't walk across the border by itself. Do you know the street value of fentany? That bitch drives a caddy. But yeah, they want to scare you about the hordes of criminals coming across the border to profit off of our opioid crises which is messed up because that's what we have pharmaceutical companies for it. But the truth is that only 0.02% of people arrested by Border Patrol for crossing illegally had fentanyl on them.

But guess who is being arrested for smuggling fentanyl? American citizens. They're 86% of convicted fentanyl traffickers. So when you think about fentanyl trafficker, think less about this and more about this. Bro, dude, I got fentanyl up my ass. I got it in my ears, I got up my nose. I wish I had another orifice I'd pack it up full of fentanyl. But you know how it goes, bro. And here's the bigger point I'm trying to make. The vast, vast majority of undocumented immigrants do not sell drugs.

They do not shoot people. They do not commit terrorism. They do not commit any crimes. They're human beings searching for a better life. And they don't want to get in trouble, especially since they don't want to get caught and be deported. I'm the same way. When I'm in, when I'm a guest in someone's house, I'm on my best behavior. I take off my shoes, I hold in my farts, I bring a bottle of Savignon Blanc.

But then when I'm in my own house and I'm in the living room terrorizing the couch and my bear balls. That's a different story. That's that we shot that before I shaped the beard. Anyway, here's another myth these demagogues say, that migrants are stealing American jobs. When you have a white open border and you've got millions of illegal aliens coming into our country, what do you think those people are going to do? They're going to go take jobs that could have otherwise been American jobs.

Millions of American jobs are disappearing at the hands of illegal immigrants. Joe Biden's 5 million illegal aliens are on the verge of replacing you, replacing your jobs. Yeah, these immigrants are taking all the jobs, food jobs, farm jobs, Steve jobs, all of them. These demagogues want you to believe that if you lost your job, it's not because of corporate outsourcing or automation or the destruction of unions or cost-cutting to maximize profits for shareholders. No, it's Jose's fault.

Shame on you, Jose. But the truth is, undocumented immigrants are mostly filling jobs that Americans have no interest in doing. I mean, are you going to tell me there are Americans just lining up wishing they could pick vegetables in the sun all the live long day? America's a trip, man. First you didn't want to do any of the field work, and now you want to do all the fieldwork. Make up your goddamn mind. All right, so long story short, we can debate about the border,

but what we can't do is dehumanize these people. That's not going to lead to the right policies. that's only going to lead to the tragedy. So the next time you hear people scurmoning youize these people. That's not going to lead to the right policies. That's only going to lead to tragedy. So the next time you hear people scare-mongering about the border, remember they're not preaching facts, they're promoting fear. And that's the only wall they've built, the one between themselves and reality. All right. When we come back, I'm going to be joined by Congressman Richie Torres.

You don't want to the Daily Show. My guest tonight represents parts of the Bronx in the United States Congress. Please welcome Democratic Representative Ritchie Taurus. My guest tonight represents parts of the Bronx in the United States Congress. Please welcome Democratic Representative Ritchie Torres. You know, we just, you know. Wow. You know, we just had breaking news. Donald Trump has been voted to be indicted by a grand jury. First president to be indicted by a grand jury.

First president to be indicted, former first president be indicted. What are your thoughts? Well, Donald Trump announced on True Social that he's been indicated rather than indicted. Of course. No spell check for the president. He probably should have chat GPT helping put tweets, but I don't. Um, you know, Donald Trump... I know.

You know, Donald Trump has been a pathological liar and lawbreaker, his whole life, and has gotten away with it. Like, he's a master of getting away with it, and finally he's facing the accountability he deserves. But... But... I want to see that perp walk. I'm dying for that. That's the only thing I want to say. But I will confess of all the crimes that he's committed in his life, I never thought

in my wildest dreams that he would be taken down by hush payments to a porn star. Right, right. True that. So he's like like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. thean, he's like, thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. the. the. Well put, what put. Now, you're the first openly gay Afro-Latino Congressman. You're outing me publicly, come on. Oh, no, no. I would never do that. I would never do that. And you're part of the Hispanic caucus, the Black Caucus, the Equity Caucus. Don't you think all these caucuses should caucus togucus together in greater gin enormous? How. And, th. And, th. And, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tha, tha, tha, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the thi, the thi, thi, thi, the thi, the the the the the the theous caucus? How power would that caucus be? Look, for us, diversity is not a source of division, it's a source of unity. I mean, the House Democratic caucus is the most diverse legislative caucus in American history. 70% of the caucus consists of members of the LGBTQ community, woman, people of color. Like the House Democratic caucus has more diversity and intersectionality than George

Santos. So. Speaking of George Santos. And by the way, George Santos and I were the only gay Latinos in the New York congressional delegation, so we're very close. Does he pretend that he's somebody else when you try to talk to him? You know, I avoid him. You're the one that avoids.

That's what I thought. You know, I have trouble keeping track of his lies, but you know, he's pretended to be a gay, biracial, Ukrainian, Belgian, Brazilian, Jewish, Jewish, a volleyball champion, whose mother died twice including a 9-11, whose ancestor survived the Holocaust, whose employees died in the post-mast shooting. I mean, his life story is the greatest fiction in the history of congressional politics. Oh my god, it's so true.

That's why, that's why I introduced stopping another non-truthful office seker act. The Santos act. Yes. How long did it take you to come up with that acronym? I was born with that acronym in my world. Oh shit. What can I say to that? I feel like my life is like a drama. I mean, January 6 was my third day on the job.

Wow, that's your third day. And so if someone had said to a younger, a a younger, a younger, a younger, a younger, a younger, thoe, thoe, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, that, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho. thoooooooooooooooooooooo. thooooooooooooo. And, thi. thi, thi, thi on the job. Wow, that's your third day on the job. And so if someone had said to a younger version of myself, Richie, you're going to become a member of Congress during a global pandemic and witness an insurrection against the US Capitol, and then vote to impeach the host of the Celebrity Apprentice. Right. And all of that would happen within the first two weeks, I I I I I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I would the, and the, and the, and the, and I would the, and I would the, and thi. And, and the, and the, and the, and the, and the, and witness, and witness, and witness, and witness, and witness, and witness, and witness, and thi, and thi, and thi, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and tho, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thean, thi, thean, thi..... thean, and thean, thean, thi. thi, and thi, thi, thi, I would have said that sounds like a movie written by George Santos. So true, so true, man. Well put, my brother. Now, you know, we had this terrible shooting this week. I wanted to ask you about gun reform. I mean, Republicans, they don't want to support background checks. They, they, they, they, or mental fund programs. I mean, what do we do about this? How do we deal with them? Look, whenever there's a mass shooting, Republicans are quick to bring up mental illness.

Right. Every society on earth has mental illness. We are the only wealthy country that has an epidemic of gun violence and mass shootings. True that. That is not, like, let's be clear, it's it's not an inevitability. It's a public policy choice. Like we as a society have chosen to put our own children at risk of gun violence. And there are Republicans who claim we're powerless because there's evil in the world. And my view is if you're too powerless

to protect children from mass murder, then you have no business being in Congress. Yes. Yes. That's why I voted for you. Thank you. Thank you. Well if you voted for me without being in my district that's voter fraud so I want to. No that's why I campaign for you. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. I didn't vote twice. I appreciate that. I I tried but I couldn't. Although your endorsement is an illegal contribution and we just a former president indicted. I didn't contribute. I stomped for you. Yeah. Yeah. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. th. th. I. th. I. I. th. th. I. I. I. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. didn't contribute that. I stomped for you. I appreciate it.

Yeah, yeah. That's why you're my new embassy show, the docushers that I'm doing it, like Wazamo does America, you're in my third episode. Thank you. Thank you, Ritchie. Thank you for coming on. Okay, we're going to take a quick break, but back after this. Well, that's our show for tonight.

That was my time as your host. But, that was my time as your host. But stay tuned because next week your host is going to be Roy Wood Jr. And if you want to see more of me please tune into my new six-part series Ligwazamo does America. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

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