The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Jon Stewart On Donald Trump's Pizza Habits and His Presidential Campaign

Episode Date: February 7, 2024

Jon Stewart vs. Trump eating pizza with a fork: a Daily Show classic. Plus, Jon's coverage of Trump's presidential announcement, his offensive comments that Mexicans are rapist, and his remarks that former POW John McCain isn't a war hero.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart here, unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, The Weekly Show, we're gonna be talking about the election, economics, ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. On day three of Sarah Palin's One Nation bus tour, she met with Donald Trump on his home turf right here in New York City. Oh my God, she's here? She's in the house?

With him? Wow, this brings up so many questions. Whose name will they put on the vehicle they travel in? Hmm. Will they call it trailing, plump? What will they call it? So Trump's showing pale on the town, I'm sure he took it to the best to the best, some classy place like the Trump, all you can eat foie gras and caviaretaria.

Trump, foie gras and cavitaria, where you are guaranteed to contract gout. The disease of kings. The two broke bread, they went out for a slice of pizza in New York's Times Square. Oh, you know what? Huh. Slice of pizza. Respect. The place is called Familia Pizza. It is an Albanian chain of pizzerias. What? Famous famines of 50th in Broadway. I mean I'm eating there. Pizz is you know, fine. I used to eat there. Pizzer. You know, fine. I used to eat there a lot when I was working next door at Caroline's Comedy Club.

It's good convenience pizza. It's, you know, back in the 80s there weren't a lot of food options in Times Square. It was either familiar pizza or a scarfed down some edible underwear from one of the porn shops. And then Giuliani took that option away. You know, Donald, I don't want to say anything, but if you're taking an esteemed visitor to get real New York pizza, familiars ain't it. Dinner was great. We had great pizza. It wasn't that good.

It was real New York pizza. No. No, it's not. Unless a real authentic New York pizza can also be found in Terminal 4 of the Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. It's familiar, it's a chain. And Governor Palin, by the way, no disrespect, no disrespect to you. You're a guest in our city, we should offer you the finest that our hospitality has to offer you.

I just would have thought Captain Comover could have pulled that one off. I mean, for fuck sake, it's New Yorkk. to, I hate to use this term this close to ground zero, but we're a bit of a pizza mecca. I mean, you know, you got, you got Lombardy's. Honestly, Lombardy. Go down to Lombardies, old this pizzerian town, little, found it in 1905, they make their own pork sausage. You go to Grimaldi's, under the Brooklyn Bridge, a brick oven, but go there early. By 4 o'clock the lines out to the East River. Totanos, Coney Island, thin crust with sweet sauce.

Arturus on Houston's, the the one on Bleeker, if that's full. Go to the Johns on the Upper West Side. It's not the same vibe, but the pies. Daninos on Staten Island. They got the breadcrumbs on the bottom. Go, Joe's on Carmine Street. Just get a slice. Go to Joe's on Carminus Street. Donald. What the fuck you are doing? No, I get it, I get it. You're in a hurry.

Maybe there's security concerns. I'll forgive you the selection. I apologize. Let's just go to the content of your meeting, and then we'll just... Son of a bitch! Mother! And you stack your slices, Donald?

With all due respect, you stack slices of pizza the steam from the bottom of the slice is going to make the top crust, you piece of shit, maybe all those years, all those years are making your hair do whatever it is that it does. You think you can go around layering any fucking thing you want to layer. And no one's going to say anything about it. But you cannot, you know something? I apologize. I apologize.

No disrespect. I apologize. Let's continue with the meeting. Are you eating it with a fork? A fucking fork! Ah! No! No! No!

La Porquetta A A tool de'a de'a diablo! Donald Trump, why don't you just take that fork and stick it right in New York's eye. Donald Trump, we work hard. And you do this? You disrespect us in our own house? Scatter, Gooch. You can put your name on everything. You can build your glass and gold-painted buildings to the sky blocking out the Central Park Sun.

It's fine, it's fine. But you invite an important visitor to our house, to our town, and eat your pizza with a f-fork right in front of us. Who the fuck do you think you are? You know what? Hey, why don't you take a shit in Fiorella LaGuardia's hat and feed it to Joe DiMaggio's crying ghost on Liberty Island, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch! Watch and learn!

Watch and learn, for God's sakes. Watch and F-Biden! You fold it and you eat it. You fold it and you eat it. You have the other hand free. You put a little parmesan, a little ragno, a little red pepper. Maybe you can point in your friend and go, it's a tttttttttthe. Maybe you're a guy you know waltz in and go, hey, you take care that thing? You're a very nice. Maybe you just useto your friend and go, it's delicious, huh? It's nice. Maybe a guy you know walks in and go,

you take care of that thing? Good day? All right, they're very nice. Or maybe you just use your other hand to take an irresponsible amount of abgons. Dab it on there. And maybe a few minutes later, you just tip, here's you fucking tip? What do I look like a fucking bus boy? No disrespect. Actually, I was a busboy, so I'm going to tell you the story. I'm going to tell you a story.

I'm going to tell you a story. I'm going to tell you a story. I'm going to tell you a story, Donald Trump. My grandparents immigrated to this country. My grandfather worked as a taxi driver in Brooklyn. My other grandfather worked as a drive cleaner in Washington Heights. I do not come from successful stock. But every day, they worked their fingers to the bone, for the bone, because it was their

dream that someday, their grandson, could afford some DVDs of all of Robert De Niro's movies. So that he could, little Jewish boy of Latvian, Lithuanian and Mongolian blood, could one day, one day, God willing, uh, pretend to be Italian on television. And now, you have the f-Ball that eat pizza with a fork. You know what? Based on how you eat pizza Donald, I want to see your long-form birth certificate. I don't think you were really born in New York. Hey, everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election earnings calls.

What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart wherever you get your podcast. let's call it news, today, about a certain, let's say, gift from heaven, entering the presidential race, because apparently Huckabee Santorum wasn't far-fetched enough. I gotta tell you, the world right now is, whites are black, Trump's running for president, like, does gravity still work?

Because, I mean, it's... Yeah! A billionaire vanity candidate taking the escalator to the White House. Hey, only losers walk. Presidents take Stair Force One. What an entrance, an escalator down. I haven't seen an entrance that majestic, since my friend met me at the gap after grabbing

an orange Julius. Wow! Come on! Let's dance, clown stick! I am officially running for president of the United States, and we are going to make our country great again. And the guy scored his own presidential announcement. Hey, hey, I'm going to run for president. Kyle in the sound booth.

Neil Young me. Yeah. Yeah. A rockin' the the the. thereq. the. Yeah. Yeah. for president, Kyle, in the sound booth. Neil Young Mee, yeah.

Iraqin in the... Okay, cut, done. And what followed was over half an hour the most beautifully ridiculous gibber javer ever to pour forth from the mouth of a back, shit, billionaire. The US has become a dumping ground for everybody else's problems. They're laughing at us. How stupid are our leaders? We have losers. We have losers. When did we beat Japan at anything? China

has our jobs and Mexico has our jobs. When Mexico sends its people, they're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists, and some, I assume, are good people. I'm saying benefit of the doubt, huh? They can't all be rapists, it's not probable. This guy's just no disrespect at our southern neighbors at his presidential announcement. You're a bunch of drug dealers and rapists. No disrespect.

It's amazing. America's ID is running for president. Trump is the part of your brain that's like at 3 a.m. going, let's go take a shit in a mailbox. Come on, who's gonna know? Now, every candidate uses their announcement speech to reel off a litany of the values that define them. So did the Donald. I'm really rich. I'll show you that next time.

I've done an amazing job. A total net worth of $8 billion, net worth, not assets. I have the best courses in the world. It's a grand hiya hotel. Trump Tower, Bank of America building in San Francisco. I just sold an apartment for 15 million dollars to somebody from China. Hey, 15 million to a Chinese guy who's better than me. Hey Kyle, Neil Young Me. Boom! This speech was so fucked-up. Hey, Kyle. Neil Young me. Boom!

This speech was so fucked up that in the middle of it, all the liquid in his body tried to escape through the corner of his mouth. Thank you, Donald. Thank you, Donald Trump, for making my last six weeks. My best six weeks. No! He is putting me in some kind of comedy hospice.

Where all I'm getting is just straight morphine. Donald Trump. The patron saint of Topico comedians who are just running out the clock. I mean, look, we did just have two weeks off from talking about Trump, a dumb springer, I called it. Just out of curiosity, what it is he at again? Unleashing his latest political firestorm on a new target, this time, John McCain. He's not a war hero.

Trump in Iowa going directly after the Arizona senator and former Navy fighter pilot who spent five and a half years as a POW. He's a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren't captured, okay? I hate to tell you. Hey, hey, no, hey, hey, nah, let me just, hold on, just, hmm. And you know what else, if I may, just a moment, and fuck cancer survivors, too. Let me tell you say this. No, hey, let me just say this. No, please, I like people who don't get cancer.

I like, let me tell you something. I like, I like winners. Those are the people whose bodies don't suffer from an uncontrollable division of abnormal cells attacking the organs. Those are the people we should be making wishes and running marathons for. Winners. Winners. Winners.

Winners. Winners. Boom. Trump's bold. B. true. Trump's bold POWs aren't heroes. Trump's bold POWs are and oh, we're going out, baby. On a high note, Trump's bold POWs aren't heroes,

raised questions of what the f-f. He's wrong with him. When you're criticized or attacked, you often respond with name-calling, using terms like dummy, loser, total losers on Twitter and elsewhere, you even demeaned some people's physical appearance. Is that something you would continue doing if you were president? Oh, I don't think, look, when people attack me, I, you know, let them have it back.

You say physical appearance, you know, it's my hair, but people are constantly attacking my hair. I don't see you coming to my defense, you know, my hair is not fine. Now I agree, make it fun of someone's physical appearance is a cheap blow. But that hair, that is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair. They are defending themselves from something that appears like their hair.

People are not attacking your hair. They are defending themselves from something that appears like it's about to attack them. I smell a new Pixar movie. Trump's comments clearly caught on tape. Trump had no choice but to recognize that he had misspoken and take the honorable way out. Nah, I'm just fucking with you. Here's what he did. Why did Savannah start off by saying I said that he was not a war hero, I never said

that. I said he was a war hero, Matt. Savannah started it up by saying I said that I said that he wasn't a war here, I didn't say that. I stand corrected, I could have sworn you said it. Let me just listen to the tape again real quickly. He's not a war hero. Yeah, that sounded like, let's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thirty. thus thus thus thus thus, let's thus, let's thus, let's th. thus, let's, let's, let's, let's that that, thus. th. th. th. th. th. hea, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. he. he. he. hea. hea. hea. hea. hea. t t t t toda. today. t today. t hea. hea. hea. hea. hea. hea. he. He's not a war hero. Yeah that sounded like... You know what let's watch it upside down because I maybe I didn't... He's not a war hero. No it's still... I mean the hair does look better there but it still sounds like he said he's not a war. Let me see it with like a bit of a Sesame Street vibe. He's not a war hero. Oh that appears to be brought you by the letter.

You said it! So you said it! The next sentence was, he is a war hero. I said that, but they never want to play it. And you don't want to play it. If you would have let it run just another three seconds, you would have said that I said very clearly, he is a war hero. He's not a war hero. He's a war hero. He's a war hero because he was captured.

So you said he's not a war hero the guy next to you goes he's a war hero and you go well he's a war hero because he got captured. So really does calling someone a war hero. to the the war hero count he got captured. So really, does calling someone a war hero count if you're doing it sarcastically? He's not a war hero. All right, he's a war hero. All right. Fine. He got captured.

Whatever. But of course, you better to talk about sacrifice in wartime than one Donald Trump. I was going back to college, had student deferments, and it's a long time ago, had student deferments then ultimately had a medical deferment because of my feet. I had a bone spur. I'm not, okay, I get that. As a man who is also constantly suffering from medical conditions that aren't real. I will say a bone spur is very painful. It's, well, it's the the the the the the thiiiiiiiiii. to to to to to be. to be. to be. to be. to be to be. to be to be to be to be. to be. to be. to be. to be, to be. to be. toeck. toeck. toe. to to to to toe. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's toe. It's toe. It's toe. It's toe. It's toe. It's toe. It's toe. It's toe. It's toe. It's toe. It's toe. It's a toe. It's a toe. It's a toe. It's a toe. It's a toe. It's a toe. It's a t. t. t. t. t. today. today. t. today. toe. today. today. It's a toe. It's a today. It's a painful. It's well it's the kind of pain you never forget. Which foot did you have the bone spur in? You'll look it up in

the records. I don't know. It's in the record. Right or left, one of those two. I don't know. It's probably the one I don't normally have in my mouth. Look Donnie, Trump Easy. Baby. I don't know. It's probably the one I don't normally have in my mouth. Look, Donnie, Trump Easy, baby. Don't flame out now. Listen, don't flame out now. I've got to squeeze three more weeks of this shit. You're at the point where even your fellow Republican presidential candidates

the people who are trying very hard not to recognize what a terrible person you are. Now have to recognize what a terrible person you are now have to recognize what a terrible person you are. It's not just absurd it's offensive it's ridiculous. I denounce Donald Trump for that. Donald Trump owes every American veteran and in particular John McCain an apology. Jeb Bush saying quote enough with the slanderers attacks Senator John McCain and all our veterans particularly POWs have earned our respect and admiration. Yes.

At long last, does the man who accused the vast majority of Mexican immigrants of being drug-addicted rapists have no sense of decency. But they're right. They're right, they're right. I so love this man. I really feel like he's some sort of Jewish holiday waiting to happen. Like, we thought the craziness would only last a day. Like, we thought the craziness would only last a day. But by a miracle, it burned for 8, 10, holy shit.

That's what we should call it. Holy f-ick-a. Here's the thing I don't get. Why is anyone acting surprised about Trump? The only reason you like this guy in the first place is because of the terrible things he was willing to say about Obama. But Trump has no control over the projectile vomit of dickishness that comes out of his mouth every time he opens it.

It was inevitable some of his word puke was going to get on you. And you should have known that. You've been down this road before. Well, first off, Nancy Pelosi is a dingbat. Waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists. Once, once you cast a spell and bring an internet comment to life. It no longer belongs to you. Only this time, the chat room troll emoji you've conjured has $10 billion of its own money. You thought was still a word salad was hard to shake? Wait till you get trump dump on you.

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ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast.