The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Jon Stewart On The "Migrant Crime" Narrative | Ronny Chieng Covers the Presidential Race

Episode Date: March 9, 2024

Jon Stewart covers Biden and Trump's trips to the Mexican border, the GOP's fear tactics, and the Democrats struggle to deliver on their values. Also, Ronny Chieng discusses Nikki Haley dropping out of the presidential race, Mitch McConnell's endorsement of Trump, and Jason Palmer winning the American Samoa primary. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. Oh, yes.

Oh, baby. Oh yes! Oh baby! We got a good one! Come on! Welcome to The Daily Show. My name is John Stewart. We got a hell of a show for you tonight. I'm going to try this one. First and foremost, wanted to thank everybody for such kind words about my dog nipper. Truly meant a lot to me and I took great comfort in it. But before we do anything, breaking news. We begin with the breaking news this morning the United States Supreme Court ruling that former president Donald Trump cannot be removed from any state's ballot for his actions on January 6th. I think the real breaking news here, oh pipe down. They know better than the Supreme Court. In all my years of law school, I couldn't believe the arguments.

I think the real breaking news here is Wolf Blitzer and I appear to be merging. I, we are becoming one. Blitzer! By the way, the Supreme Court, nine to nothing, the ruling was let Donnie Cook. So, let that be really, let that be a lesson to all you out there who might be thinking about subverting the Constitution in a presidential election. A you go boy. For more in the Supreme Court's ruling we turn to our own Desi Lydeck live. It's a 15th day. Down there tonight. I warn you before the t-uh you do report, audience filled with law students.

So, Desi, Democrats have to be disappointed in this ruling. Yes, Democrats are doing more shower crying than normal today, John. But they are still confident that a conviction in the January 6th trial can keep Trump out of the White House. But Desi, that seemingly not likely going to happen before Election Day. Right, but fortunately Trump has three other criminal trials coming up. One of those has to be a conviction, so Democrats are optimistic. But Trump can still be president if he's convicted. I mean, none of the cases would stop that.

Right. I'm glad you brought that up, John. Democrats say if none of these cases go their way, there is still another avenue to pursue. The getting more votes scenario. They're not there yet. They were going to lay Reese's pieces out in a trail that leads into a golden tent labeled Marlago that can only be zipped from the outside.

Or they discussed making him the next golden bachelor. Once he's surrounded by women his own age, Democrats believe he will spontaneously combust. I still think the more votes... Democrats find a witch. The witch turns Donald Trump into a bird. The bird isn't there on election day having already migrated to a warmer climate. Does he, the election's obviously tight? Bird isn't there on election day, having already migrated to a warmer climate. Desi, the election's obviously tight. The battleground states are going to be difficult, but clearly there is a path to victory for Democrats, even if narrow.

Oh, yes. You're talking about sending Trump an Applevision pro, preloaded with porn, so he'll be too busy masturbating to campaign. That's the work actually. That's why the which everybody's, well there you have it. I didn't think of the last one. But that does sound plausible. But there you have it. Breaking news, the presidential election is still on.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled presidential election year programming. Fox's alert America's border crisis boiling over chaos at the border. The never-ending surge of migrants crashing across our southern border. Yes, every two to four years we are reminded that we have a southern border. And it is porous. There's a migrant crime spree killing Americans and the president's inaccessory to murder. We are being overwhelmed.

There is no word to describe this except invasion. Illegal invaders invading America, pouring over our border by the millions. Criminals, rapists, child child predators and God knows who else God knows who else God knows who else I mean statistically a couple of them at least have to be podcasters I mean murderers but point taken. I think my pants just shit their pants. And if you're thinking that these are just some Central American no-goodnicks, think again. The countries we know they're coming from. Iran, number one state sponsor, terror,

their satellite country, Syria, Egypt, home of the Muslim Brotherhood, Afghanistan, home of Al Qaeda, 10,000 plus from Russia. Record numbers of Chinese men of military age who have come across our border. The number of military age men that are showing up with military haircuts clearly in shape. They said, these guys are showing up with six packs and military boots. I mean, they're clearly in shape. I said, these guys are showing up with six packs and military boots. I mean, I mean, they're clearly, I mean, tight asses, I mean, there's, there's not an ounce of fight on these mother fuckers. I am so hard, right? I want to go down to that goddamn border and I want to get ass deep on these immigrants. I want to suck and fuck until

I want to cash me outside how about dad. That's what I'm saying. Wow so we got. Cash me outside, how about dad? That's what I'm saying. Wow. So we got... The crowd loves my dirty fill impression. We got criminals.

We got terrorists. Is there anyone else down there we should be worried about? Anybody ever hear of Hannibal Lecter? He was a nice fellow, but that's what's coming into our country right now. Wouldn't cannibals amongst them be the solution to the problem? Or are they fasting until they get to America? Well, it's clear hyperbole, but there does seem to be bipartisan agreement now that the border is a problem. There were 300,000 crossings in December alone.

That's an all-time high, and that is not sustainable. But Republicans turned down the chance to pass a strong border bill, supported by the Border Patrol Union, because of how confident they are that fear-mongering will be an effective election-year strategy. It's all about branding. I call it migrant crime. I really call it Biden-migrant crime, but it's too long. So let's just call it migrant crime, and everyone's going to know it's because of Biden.

We will call it from now on Biden-migrant crime. Okay? It's bygrin crime. This is, we'll call it, I got it, bygrant. Let's call it bygrant. Biden crime. Oh, that's good. That's smart. Migrant crime. It's a portmanteau. I'm not completely sold on bygrant. It really just sounds like a migrant who's opened to crossing either border.

It's migrant crime. It's migrant crime. It really just sounds like a migrant who's open to crossing either border. It's migrant crime. Vigrant... Look, there are some undocumented migrants who are committing crimes. Some of them horrific, but isn't that true for every demographic, including natives? I feel pretty confident there's still a lot of opportunity out there for our American homegrown criminals. But it's if it's enough of an issue that on Thursday we had ourselves a good old-fashioned border off as both men saddled up and headed to the southern border. Trump headed to Eagle Pass

and Biden headed to Brownsville. It was bitch-ass Cassidy versus the sun-down kid. And Biden was fired up. headed to Brownsville. It was bitch-ass Cassidy versus the sundown kid. And Biden was fired up. We're the United States of America. Nailed it. He knew exactly where we are. Yes. He knew what country we were in.

Bang, boom. This is the United States of America. I take back everything I said a month ago. Lay out your proposal, sir. I understand my predecessor's an eagle passed today. So here's what I would say to Mr. Trump. Instead of playing politics issue, instead of telling members of Congress to block this legislation, join me, or I'll join you in telling the Congress to pass this

bipartisan border security bill. We can do it together. Ladies and gentlemen, the Olive Branch has been extended across the aisle and a show of genuine desire to solve this complex and vexing issue. Trump, your response? Crooker Joe is the blood of countless innocent victims. That's a no. Seriously, though. Crooked Joe?

We still got on with that? Crookid Joe Biden. He's crooked. I took the name away from Hillary. Because she's no longer relevant, I guess. Do you have to say everything that happens in your head out loud? It's been eight years, you fucking won. The woman's been through enough.

Now you're going to take away her nickname now? What are you doing? But let me tell you something, Trump. I don't know why I've gotten serious there. You can't scare the Democrats. Because the one thing that the Democrats have are principles. When it comes to immigration, the Democrats hold to our country's cherished ideals. The eternal promise etched at the feet of Lady Liberty that speaks to our better angels.

The only way we're going to have a great future in America is if we welcome and embrace immigrants. These people are folks that we should be helping. America welcomes immigrants. We want people to come here, despite where they came from or despite the circumstances that drove them to this country. This is a place where the Statue of Liberties sits in the harbor and we say bring us your tire of those who are yearning to be free. Unshakable, bedrock, American values of compassion and empathy, and there is not a damn thing

that you can do to change that. Buses arriving in New York City from Texas one after another filled with migrants seeking asylum. That's all you got? Nice try, Texas, but you are the mayor. We're New York fucking city. How dare you? No disrespect. But you are never going to change our values because you're afraid. So keep sending those bus loads because we got plenty of room in our hearts and in this city. We have no more room in the yearnings and the tiredness?

What about the yearnings and the tiredness? What have been the tiredness of those who are doing the yearning? Hundred and ten thousand migrants. We have to feed, clothes, house, educate the children. 110,000 migrants. We have to feed, clothes, house, educate the children, watch their laundry sheets. This issue will destroy New York City. Destroy New York City. I mean, they're supposed to be doing our sheets.

What's going on around here? What kind of Topsy-Tur. What's going on around here? What kind of topsy-turvy world are we living over here? Yes, it turns out in the age-old battle between values and fear, values never had a fucking chance. It took two busloads of Venezuelans to go from this to this. This. So this is the to this. So this is the terrible cycle America is caught in. Democrats whose high-minded values and principles did not survive a contact high with reality. And Republicans whose desire to solve the problem isn't nearly as strong as their desire to exploit it.

And no one wins. Well, except this guy. Clearly in shape. He said you guys are showing up to six packs and military boots. Learn more about it in his new special Dr. Phil straddles the border. Hey everybody John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast. The weekly show. It's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting, you'll be saying to yourself, TGID, thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me.

The election, economics, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. So let's get right into our ongoing coverage of Indecision 2024. Let's begin with the big news. Yesterday was Super Tuesday, the most important Tuesday of the year if you're a fucking nerd.

With 16 states and territories holding their primaries on the same day, it was the last chance for someone other than Donald Trump and Joe Biden to break through and change the dynamic of the race. Please Buddha don't like Biden and Trump dominate the vote. Please don't let him dominate the vote. President Biden and former President Trump dominate the vote, sweeping nearly all their primaries and clearing the path for a November rematch. No! No! The baby boom a death grip continues.

Does anyone else have a chance to break through? An NBC News election alert to report and this is good news for Nikki Haley, NBC News can project that she has won the state of Vermont. It's her first victory of the night. Yes, Vermont! Yeah. Nick you of the night. Yes, Vermont! Yeah, Nicky won the Subaru owner who makes their own honey voting block. Uh, you can build on that, Nick Haley. 2024, baby. Breaking news this morning, Nicky Haley, dropping out of the 2024 presidential race, leaving Donald Trump the last man standing in the race.

No! Don't quit now, Nicky, you are only 80,000 delegates behind. If you drop out who are little girls without any principles, convictions or charisma, look up to. Actually, you know what, hang on, I need to talk to Nick for a second. Nicky, I honestly, I'm sorry. I have no idea why everyone, including myself, is being so mean to you. I was actually rooting for you because I know you were just trying to save your party and the world from Donald Trump

and all we ever did was shit on you because you're such a giant loser who sucks so bad. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm doing again, I'm sorry. But anyway please consider this a formal and sincere apology. We should have done a lot better, like you should have done your own home state that you lost by 20 points like a loser. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't stop. But I swear to God, if you turn around and endorse Trump, I will totally be expecting that. But now, Nick Haley H H HNi HNi HNi Hninininininini, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, I's, I's out and so the whole party is coalescing behind Donald Trump.

Even Mitch McConnell endorsed him today. Mitch, I mean, man, you said Trump did an insurrection. Trump said racist shit about your Asian wife, and you endorsed him again? I mean, what is wrong with your brain? Other than that thing that's obviously wrong with your brain. So now it's officially Trump and Biden. They crushed the primaries like it was an audition for a Life Alert commercial.

And you know what? You know what, America? I don't want to hear any more complaining. Everyone's bitching about how much you don't want to be Trump and Biden. And then you all say you hate them. But now what? And all you do is pick Trump and Biden. Okay? You all say you hate them, but at least a couple million of you are lying. And now what? The primaries are just done now?

Where were the twists? Where was the drama? I swear, if someone doesn't murder their fiancé on the love of his blind finale tonight, I'm smashing my TV. Although, to be fair, there was a little bit of drama. Democrats did give Joe Biden some trouble yesterday. In Minnesota, nearly 20% of Democrats voting uncommitted instead of voting for Biden, a significant protest vote fueled by concerns about his age and support over Israel. Joe Biden lost American Samoa to a little known candidate named Jason Palmer, 51 votes to 40.

Hell yeah, Jason Palmer! Look at him golf! Oh, wait, quick question, though. Who the fuck is Jason Palmer? I've never seen this bloated Matt Damon in my life. Suddenly he wins American Samoa. I mean, this must be a fascinating guy for an interesting background. Tell me more.

Palmer's biography holds him up as a political outsider. He called himself an education and tech entrepreneur. Okay, pass, pass, hard pass. I don't need another generic white guy tech entrepreneur, okay? No thanks. I can't believe this is who Sid from Toy Story became. But as boring as this dude was, if you watch his campaign video, you'll see that he had one thing going for him. Correct pronunciation.

Talow Falava, I'm Jason Palmer. American Samoa, I'm asking for your vote in the Democratic caucus on March 5th. Yeah, American Samoa. I also can pronounce it correctly. Just like when I visited Chile and Batholona, where I ate a croissant. That's how underrepresented Pacific Islanders are. If you can say that name correctly, you'll sweep the vote. But still, how can it be so popular in American Samoa when no one knows him here in the mainland?

You're probably wondering, who is this Jason Palmer? I've never heard of him before. Well, in the mainland, I'm actually very well known. Wow, I actually respect that. This dude is going down there like, hey, I'm the most famous man in America. You guys don't have an internet, right? Here's what I think really happened. America and Samoa got together and voted for this guy as a PR move because they need it. America doesn't give them citizenship of votes. Most Americans don't even know that American Samoa is part of America even though

it's in the name. So he just let this random guy win the primary and all of a sudden we're talking about them. Now everyone's saying like, wait this a place as part of America. It's not just a cookie. I mean, we should let this cookie vote. But between the protest vote in Minnesota and the upset in American Samoa, the Democratic Party has had some tensions. For more on these results, let's go to Grace Coolinsmith, live from American Samoa. Grace. Grace, what is the mood over there? Ronnie, I've been walking up and down this speech all day, and let me tell you, the mood

is great! People are smiling, the sand is soft, I can see whales. I'm falling in love with politics all over again. You know, that's great insight. For more Minnesota's uncommitted vote, let's go to Michael Costa and Duluth. Michael, what are you seeing on the ground there? What am I seeing? I'm seeing Grace in an island paradise while Michael Costa stuck in a Duluth parking lot. According to an exit poll I conducted with myself, these results fucking suck. Why did Grace get to go to American Samoa?

Sorry, where's American Samoa? I'm in American Samoa. Yeah. Michael, maybe if you had some cultural sensitivity, you could be there, too. Grace, what a voter is saying about what they want from the Democratic Party? A lot, Ronnie. I've talked to a bunch of voters. One of them is a very cute volleyball instructor, and later, I'm going surfing with one of the rocks cousins.

Great, great. And Michael, have you talked to any of the rocks cousins? They're not here, dude. Nobody cool is here, all right? It's just me and Princess Leah earmuffs trying not to freeze to death. Meanwhile Grace is having the time of her life on a sunny beach. I hate democracy. This sucks.

Ouch, Michael. I'll have you know it's not always perfect here. It rained this morning. The rainbow that it made over the mountains was just so beautiful. I'm not usually spiritual, but like, I got it, you know? Yeah, that's amazing. Grace, it sounds like you need to stay there a bit longer. We'll set you up.

Michael, hey, you stay out there too. What? No, I want to come home, Ronnie. No, no, no, we can't afford to fly you home if we're going to pay for Grace to stay to stay to stay to stay to stay to stay to stay to stay to stay to stay to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to toe toe toe toe, toe toe toe toe toe to me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the to the the too too too too too toa toa toa toa toa toa toa toa., toa. toa. toe toe toe the toe the Grace to stay out there. Yeah, Michael. Have some respect. I'm reporting. Excuse me. Could I get another complimentary my tie? I'm very well known on the mainland. All right.

Grace Cool and Swimper. Michael Cost, everybody. Yeah. Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcasts by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Hey, everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, it's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting, you'll be saying to yourself, TGID, thank God it's Thursday we're going to be talking about. All the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls?

We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast.