The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Jon Stewart on Trump's $450 Million "Victimless" Crime | Jordan Klepper Covers GOP Reaction to Baltimore Bridge Collapse

Episode Date: March 30, 2024

Jon Stewart tackles Donald Trump's deadline to pay his $450 million bond and the myth being floated by right-wing media that Trump's tax fraud was a "victimless" crime. Plus, Jordan Klepper tackles Trump's new branded bibles, how right-wing media blamed the Baltimore Bridge Collapse on DEI, and Florida's social media ban. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. Let's get to the big news today.

Breathless Anticipation at Trump Tower over an important and perhaps Earth-eating developmentto the big news today. Breathless anticipation at Trump Tower over an important and perhaps earth-eating development in the world of former President Donald J. Trump. Celebrations are underway for former President Trump after claiming he won two golf trophies at his West Palm Beach club. That's right. Woke-Libbs. You think Donald Trump is a loser? What would a loser? West Palm Beach Club. That's right. Woke, Libbs. You think Donald Trump is a loser? What would a loser brag about winning a golf tournament at his own course?

I don't think so. Although obviously Trump has an advantage playing golf. It's difficult for his opponents to stay focused when they spend all that time staring at that ass. Come on. A lot of times golfers let you grab them by the asshole. They love it. If you're a celebrity, that's worst Trump impression in the history of Trump. Actually Trump, one of the few talented golfers who has a thick ass and a front butt, he has a front butt. So

what it does is the butt and the front butt become like a big, like a ball, like a big ball, the back and the front. It helps with the center of gravity. It's like being on a hippity hop. But I'm kidding of course. Congratulations Donald Trump on winning the Trump Cup. I'm actually talking about today's big Trump legal development. The clock is ticking for former President Donald Trump. He'll need to post a nearly half a billion dollar bond in order to satisfy his New York civil fraud case judgment. Otherwise the state could begin seizing properties to pay for it. Damn! That's right all week we sat with breathless anticipation to see if Trump had

454 million dollars in his wallet. Or would Trump Tower be turned over to New York City to perhaps ease our terrible housing crunch or more likely to do what they always do, another shitty Walgreens. I think another shitty Walgreens whose shelves are bare from the rogue bands of shoplifters, Thanks a lot, David Dinkins. I see, I don't know. Very small percentage of the audience will understand what I just...

But the ones that do, as you can imagine, the prospect of Trump being held accountable for what would be the first time, have the media enthralled. Donald Trump is running out of time to find $464 million. The former president's legal problems may finally be catching up with him. Could this be the beginning of the end for Trump's business empire? It does seem as though we are getting closer. Trump filling the walls closing in on him. Panic mode, I'm told us setting it.

I think we're gonna be writing a version of an obituary of the Trump organization. RIP, the Trump organization. It died as it limped. Fraudulantly. Look, folks, it is very difficult to come back from an obituary. It looks like it's the end of the line for Donald J. Trump Esquire. No way! He comes up with half a billion dollars by the end of the day. I've been saving this. Since 2016. And it's

finally here. And it's finally here. Judgment day. Moments ago, the former president got a financial lifeline from a New York appeals court. This isn't gonna be good. It reduced the bond he must pay in the civil fraud case for more than $450 million to $175 million, and gave him more time to pay for it. Well, that's still something. That's ten days to come up with $175 million? That's... That's... I mean, unless he's about to come and do a shit ton of money, I don't see how he does that.

The recent merger of Truth Social could net the former president some $3 billion. Motherf-f-f***! Oh, that is new year's eve. Oh, oh. That is New Year's Eve. Oh. You know, let's take a step back. What did Trump actually do to earn this penalty? Well, it turns out that for a decade, whenever Trump wanted to get a loan or make a deal, he would illegally inflate the value of his real estate. For instance, suggesting that his 11,000 square foot penthouse was a 30,000 square

foot penthouse, I guess somehow including the sky in the calculation. We all do it. I mean in my license I'm not listed as five seven, you know. I'm listed as 30,000 square feet. And the, that's, thank you. And the attorney general of New York knew that Trump's property values were inflated because when it came time to pay taxes, Trump undervalued the very same properties. It was all part of a very sophisticated real estate practice known as lying. So the judge calculated that the value that he gained from the lying with interest

was around $454 million. Now you might be saying to yourself, value that he gained from the lying with interest was around $454 million. Now, you might be saying to yourself, well, that sounds pretty straightforward. Whatever gains you got from lying, you have to pay back. Well, that's because you're a fucking idiot. that's the tellip, you know. If you knew anything about business, if you had an ordinance or a law that it's never been used ever before in anyone else. He's committed bank fraud where there's no victim. It makes no, it makes no sense. No victims, there was no victim, the

ruling is blightedly unfair. That didn't go over very well with the investment community because we're all asking each other who's next? Ah, who's next? Ah, who's next? The persecuted minority of the investment community. First, they came, first they came for the arbitrages, and I said nothing. For I was not an arbitrager, and then they came for the quants. Which I could be, I don't know what a quant.

But I am surprised to hear this from Kevin O'Leary, a guy who's such an asshole. Wait, that even the other people on Shark Tank thinks he's an asshole. Now, he's very chill. I'm surprised to hear that he's so chill about overvaluing something that he thinks is victimless because when someone tries to do that to him. Which one of you do I absolutely tear to pieces now on a 28 million dollar valuation? You think this is worth $10 million? Absolutely.

You're the valuation? Your valuation is crazy. I think that's a crazy valuation. I think your valuation is stinky pupoo. Oh no, you didn't. Canadiens are so vulgar. How is he not this mad about overvaluations in the real world? Because they are not victimless crimes. First, the banks got paid back at lower interest rates, although to be honest, who gives a shit?

But second, money isn't infinite. A loan that goes to the liar doesn't go to someone who's giving a more honest evaluation. So the system becomes incentivized for corruption. And this is part of a different Trump fraud case, but avoiding taxes hurts all of us. Donald Trump shenanigans cost the city of New York. And to be honest, and let's be frank here, that is money that the city of New York could have used to build more Walgreens.

Now, some blocks only have two of them. Leave it to Kevin O'Leary to be unaware enough to say the quiet part out loud. I hear about the so-called victimist crimes, but the laws on the books. False vacation business records and second degree, issuing false financial statements, insurance fraud, conspiracy, and all these different aspects of it. Those are actual crimes. I take as your point is that these should not have been prosecuted. Everything you just listed off is done by every real estate developer, everywhere on earth in every city. This has never ever been prosecuted.

There is a theory in law that if enough people commit a crime, it automatically becomes legal. You're familiar with the purge, are you not? The... The... The... Fee-feeing entitled arrogance. I don't know if you know this, but most people just can't commit fraud and expect to face no repercussions, even if everyone's doing it. Try getting a car loan by saying you have ten times as much money as you really do.

Or claim 20 dependents when you have no children. Or say you make slightly less money to qualify for food assistance, I will guarantee you. There are not just financial consequences for those lies, but criminal ones. But don't tell that to the investment community, because in their minds, in pursuit of profit, there is no rule that cannot be bent, there is no principle that cannot be undercut as long as you and your fucking friends making money. And the only immoral practice, hold on, I'm not done. If I could wait, if I could raise my chair up, I would. Apparently the only immoral practice in the capitalist system is to use that money for people who may need it.

Fraud waste and abuse people never want to be honest about, but a lot of these parents will, you know, they abuse the system. A lot of them are encouraged to abuse the system. Where do you think the money that you get for food stamps and other things come? Who do you th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. theeeeea. theeeeeeeeea. theeeea. theeeea. theeeeea. thea. the. their that you get for food stamps and other things come? Who do you think pays that money, your health care? You're taking their money and you just don't seem to care. The guy who walks out of the store with a bag of food, is he entitled to it? Because food is a necessity and he doesn't have enough of it? You nutrition needing mother f-fixers.

Bringing our system to its knees. Stealing is only justified when you already have too much. Ultimately, whether or not Trump is a victim of selective prosecution is going to be a matter for the Supreme Court to decide. Luckily, that is an institution which still holds the trust of the American people because of its integrity. For years, Justice Clarence Thomas has secretly accepted luxury gifts from a GOP mega donor, Harlan Crow, gifts like private jet flights, luxury yacht cruises, and according to the report, the Supreme Court justice never reported them on annual financial disclosures.

Victimless. It's a victimless crime. Oh, f-fictomeless crime! Hey, everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient-to-breed ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart wherever you get your podcast.

Let's begin with the ongoing legal woes of America's defendant in chief Donald Trump. Trump has just over a week to come up with a $175 million bond in his real estate fraud case. And if he can't get it from selling shares in his social media company or borrowing from his billionaire friends or teeming up with Giuliani for a sexy car wash, then... And this latest very classy business venture just might do the trick. I'm proud to be partnering with my very good friend Lee Greenwood. Who does it love his song, God Bless the USA, in connection with promoting the God bless the USA Bible.

This Bible is the King James version and also includes our founding father documents. Yes, the Constitution. Also the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence and the Pledge of Allegiance are all part of this. All Americans need a Bible in their home and I have many. It's my favorite book. Many, many, many. How does that thing not burst into flames immediately? Yeah, Trump is mashing together the Bible and the Constitution, like it's a pizza-hot taco bell. And I know people will say that you're not supposed to mix the Bible and the constitution. But what you have to understand is Trump has never read either of them.

If we step back and look at this, Trump getting into business with God can only mean one thing. God is going to end up bankrupt and serving a three-month prison sentence for lying under oath. I mean what's amazing about this is that Trump just made five billion dollars on his new stock. Buddy, you're not supposed to be doing this embarrassing grifter shit when you're that Trump just made $5 billion on his new stock. Buddy, you're not supposed to be doing this embarrassing grifter shit when you're that rich. Just start a private space company like a normal billionaire sociopath.

You don't see Elon Musk selling his farts in jars to pervert, do you? No, no, maybe, maybe. I haven't looked into it. Probably you do. But you know, I bet if I, I bet if I, I bet, yes, he'd probably, let's move on, shall we? Let's move on to the big news of the day. As we've all heard by now, this morning a cargo ship leaving Baltimore crashed into the franthrown, collapsing the entire bridge into the water.

Now, early indications suggest the crash was caused by a power failure on the ship. But that's not gonna stop America's professional fearmongers from blaming it on whatever's most convenient to them. The White House says there are no indications of foul play here. Of course, we're worried about a potential potential, you know, terrorist attack given the wide open border. You know, I'm no expert on what's going on on the seas, but all I would say is that if

you talk to employers in America, they'll tell you that filling slots with employees who aren't drug-adled is a very huge problems. What are we doing to make sure that we have the best infrastructure in the world so that when a ship passes by and clips the bridge that it doesn't entirely collapse. Alex Jones tweeting looks deliberate to me. A cyber attack is probable. World War III has already started. World War III has already started. But I have dune tickets this weekend.

What can I at least see it before I enlist in the war? Who are we fighting exactly? Is it boats? Are we fighting the boats? You know what? Doesn't matter? I'll just start shooting. We'll figure it out later. You know, media figures, you are allowed to just say, we're waiting for more information, right? We don't need to fill every moment moment to to to to to to to to to the moment moment moment moment moment moment moment moment moment to to to to to to to to to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to beto fill every moment of uncertainty with bullshit. It might be too early to speculate, but can we prove that this wasn't P. Diddy's getaway sex barge? Stay tuned and find out.

Look, of course America's infrastructure is in need of updating. Of course. But I don't think this is the proof. Falling down is kind of what you expect a bridge to do when a giant cargo ship slams into it. If your grandma gets body slammed by the rock, you're not going to blame her broken bones on a calcium deficiency. You're going to blame it on her not bringing her A-game to the rock. You've got to step it up th th th to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the to to stop to stop to stop the the the the the the the the the the the thoom thoom thoom thoom thi. thi. the the' thoomom. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom thoom thoom thoom thoom thoom. thoom. thoom. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the thi. the the the thi. thin, thin, thin, thinnnn' theaa. theauuuuuuuuuuu theaau theau theauu theauu theau. Fa. th blame it on her not bringing her A-game to the rock. You've got to step it up, Nana. Got to step it up. Come on. Yes. Finally. Finally, in

some social media news, if you're a preteen in Florida watching clips of this show on Tick Tock, you're about to be in a world of trouble. We turn now to a social media showdown in Florida. Governor Ron DeSantis signing a bill banning children under 14 from having their own social media accounts. If this law holds, Florida will have one of the most restrictive social media bans in the country. The new measure bars social media accounts for children under the age of 14 and requires parental consent for 15 and 16 year olds. It also mandates that social media platforms search for and remove the profiles of kids who don't meet the age requirement. This makes me so mad. This asshole Rhonda Santis might have done something I agree with. I mean, what does it say about me?

I don't know what this says about me. I do think maybe this law isn't a bad idea. I think we can all agree that social media is a nightmare for kids. It increases their risk of depression. It exposes them to predators. It harms concentration. It gives you a wildly unrealistic expectation of how easy it is to prepare meals. Just throw in the potatoes, some scallions, some boiling water, a couple of fast-edits. Voila. A beautiful dinner and your entire family loves you. You're a great father. No, it's not that easy. It turns out there's a lot of prep work. The videos don't show you that. They gotta blanch the onions, then you gotta Julianne the carrots, now it's 10 p.m. Your kids are starving, they hate you. Why am I supposed to be doing all the cooking

anyway? I was at work all day. I'm not a failure of my TV, god damn it. Hypothetically, The point is, if Florida teenagers are kicked off of their phones, maybe they can focus on all the quintessential experiences of being a teen in Florida. Things like wrestling a gator at prom, or going to the library and reading the four books that are still legal to read, or trying to avoid Matt Gates on your walk home from school, you know? Classic Florida teen shit. Honestly, I wish Ron DeSantis had run on this when he was a presidential candidate. This, this is a much better message than his platform of wearing high heels and smiling like a demon in a horror movie. There's always 2028, Ron.

For more reaction on this social media band, we go to Josh Johnson in Tallahassee. Josh! I'll tell you, Josh. I'll be honest, I don't hate this bill. I think getting kids off social media will benefit them in all sorts of ways. Cognitive development, better time management, personal skills, it's going to be great for them. Yeah, Jordan, I couldn't agree more. And that's the problem.

OK? If you kick kids off of social while the rest of us stay on it, you're giving them a competitive advantage. How am I going to compete against a well-rounded child after social media is already broken me? I have short-term memory loss, bad eyesight, no attention span, crippling anxiety, short-term memory............... th-and-and-a-m. th-m. th-m, th-m problem-m problem-m problem-m, th-m, th-m, th-m, th-m, th-m, thi-mo, thi-mo, thi-in problem problem problem problem-in problem. thi-in, okay-in, okay-in, okay-in, okay-in, okay-in. th, okay-in. thi, okay-in. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th-in problem-in problem, th-in problem-in problem-in problem-, no attention span crippling anxiety, short-term memory loss. And, and according to Tick-Tock, all those symptoms mean I might be pregnant.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Just, come on. I'm pretty sure you can compete with a 14 year old. I can't. I've been staring down at a phone for 20 years. I can't even make strong eye contact. Look. Stop that.

Stop doing that. Stop doing that. Please, stop to, don't ever do that again, Josh. I don't know any other way. OK. I understand your concern, but you have have to admit social media is awful for kids they just spend all day bullying each other online yeah I get that but banning social media won't make the bully energy go away it'll just redirected to the rest of us specifically me the they. All right I used to live across from middle school Jordan. I basically couldn't go outside after three. I was walking home one day in shorts and a kid in a wheelchair yelled

at me, damn, I thought my legs are f-ducked up. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Fair, but you are an adult. You can handle a couple of accurate comments, but... But there have been conclusive studies that social media lowers kids' self-esteem. What about my self-esteem? A child said I look like a pedophile merge with one of his victims.

And his friend said that they loved my performance of fast car at the Grammys. Oh yeah okay yeah yeah yeah I guess I can see it. You want to know what else they said because they had more of the chamber. I don't know what they said maybe nice suit to come with come with a car seat? Or, uh, you're like if little Wayne never wrapped, or... I didn't know adults came in fun sides, something like that. Okay, Jordan, damn, you too? I'm sorry. It's just easy, okay? So to be clear, you're saying you opposed this bill. Yes. In fact, it should be mandatory for these kids to be on social media. Every child's face should be glued to a screen to protect me, I mean us, when we

walk home in jorts. You can't argue with that. Josh Johnson, everybody. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show week nights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast. Hey, everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election. Earnings calls. the, Earnings tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election.

Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the Weekly Show with John J J J J J J. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the Weekly to the Weekly to the Weekly to to to to to to to the Weekly Show the weekly show to to to the weekly the weekly the weekly the weekly the weekly the weekly the weekly the weekly the weekly the weekly the weekly the weekly the weekly the weekly the weekly the the the the the the the weekly the weekly the weekly the weekly the weekly. the weekly. the weekly. the weekly. the weekly show the weekly show theee. the. the. the. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. theaughea. thea. thea. thea. toea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea