The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Jon Stewart Stops By for Trump's Arraignment Day

Episode Date: April 8, 2023

Roy Wood Jr. tackles the circus that was Donald Trump's arraignment in New York, including Marjorie Taylor Greene's indictment-bombing. Plus, Obi-Wan Kenobi (a.k.a. Jon Stewart) stops by to give Roy some sage advice.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. All right. So we are here in New York City, and today was one for the history books, because when today began, we were preparing for the craziest day in New York since the stay puff marshmallow man came to time and busted a nut on the whole city. That wasn't marshmallows. But today was even crazier because today was Trump Arraignment Day.

This is breaking news. In a remarkable chapter of American history for the first time a former president faced a judge in a criminal courtroom on charges he broke the law and it happened right here in New York City. Former President Trump pleads not guilty to 34 counts of falsifying business records related to hush money payments. The photograph is stark and historic as we look at it, Donald Trump. That's a man who looks like a defendant.

You know, the former president, I've seen that face not many times. He's, he looks somber. Look at you. Look at your ass now. They got your ass. Ain't so true no more. It ain't so tough. You spend all that money talking shit about the judge. He talked shit about the DA. Oh, I'm a march in the courtroom and I'm a tum tum shut your ass up. Look at how sad Trump looks. Look at th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho th th tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu tho' thu tho tho thu, oh, I'm a march in the courtroom and I'm gonna come shut your ass up. Look at how sad Trump looks. My man looked like somebody told him his dog died or that Mike Pence is still alive. And you can talk all the shit you want, but I'm telling you, baby, the moment you

in that courtroom, that shit get real. Trump's in there, like, wow, y'all really gonna do this th this th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th that courtroom, that shit get real. Trump's sitting there, Trump's in there like, wow, y'all really gonna do this to them, huh? And he alone, ain't none of your boys around no more, you gave them all pardons. And everybody know, you don't pardon all your partners. You gotta leave one in jail so you have somebody to talk to. And on top of all that, that's how know Trump did something. I don't know what he guilty of, but he did something. Look at that outfit. First day of court, he in a suit that don't even fit.

Why would you do that? Gwinniff Powtroo showed you the cheek-cold, boy. You got to dress like you don't give ainnif Powtroo, you can't convict me these glasses or Cartier's. Cartier, is that how you say it? I don't know, I can't afford nice glasses. So as you can imagine, it was a crazy day in New York. And the city was ready for anything. Barricades were laid out, every police officer was on duty. Even Mayor Eric Adams said, he might not go to the club tonight.

Just in case y'all need them. Because you know he'd be in the club, he got to keep the phone on vibrate, but call him twice so he know it's an emergency. And the cops, I'll give the NYPD this. They were right to set up all the barricades. Trump supported a swarm downtown Manhattan and filled the streets with red, white, and blue. It was like a Puerto Rican day parade for people who want to deport Puerto Ricans.

And to the police's credit, to the police's credit, to their credit, they handled it perfectly. They kept everybody on both sides far enough apart so nobody got hurt, but close enough so they could still roast the shit out of each other. Ah, yes. Ah, yes. The classics. Don't nothing win an argument faster than a yo mama. It hit like a shit, just plain, your mama. You lose, I, no matter what you said.

Donald Trump is a political prisoner, unfairly targeted by the criminal justice system. Your mama, bitch. Oh, oh, oh. That's how it hit you, you bleed out. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh. But it was a crazy scene downtown. It was wow. And one of the people making it crazy was Marjorie Taylor Green. Oh, Marjorie Taylor Green.

M.T.G swung down to the courthouse, Oh, Marjorie Taylor Green. M.T.G. swung down to the courthouse, double parked a broomstick and took part, took part in the festivities. And today, she offered a defense of the president that I've never heard before. President Trump is joining some of the most incredible people in history being arrested. Nelson Mandela was arrested, served time in prison. Jesus, Jesus was arrested. Jesus, Jesus, that's what I'm thinking too. Like Jesus what the hell is wrong with this lady?

How are you going to compare Donald Trump to Jesus? First of all, Jesus walked on water? Donald Trump can barely walk on land. Now, the crazy thing about all of this today is that Donald Trump didn't even have to come to New York. He could have done the whole arraignment at the crib. Because apparently they gave him the option to be arraigned over Zoom. You know, like Nelson Mandela in Jesus. But I get it. I completely get why Trump didn't do it over zoom. One, he'd have got on camera. They would have just found more

classified documents in the background. Two, Trump wants publicity. Look at how he came out of Trump Tower this morning, given the black power fist like a real political prisoner. He lives for shit like this. Hell, Trump liable to show up the court every day dancing on top of a car like Michael Jackson. Just that tap, come on. The document, the cat. And the media, man, the media, what they do?

They play right along with it, giving us wall-to-wall coverage, even when there was absolutely nothing to talk about. I will turn to you and show you he'll be coming out the side door of Trump Tower there, so there is a sense of anticipation that his movement is coming. You can see some of the traffic heading northbound there, and I'm not sure, I can't remember off the top of my head, Fifth Avenue is one way, right? It's northbound, I think, to go south. Go south.

So that's not Fifth Avenue. I checked ways. I checked ways, A. thrown. . . the former president walk out or is that just me? There's Donald Trump right there, I'm sorry, Abby, we just saw Donald Trump. Overhearing some radio traffic here.

At any moment now, see the former president walked through those doors. So there's, there are many doors into the courtroom, and it's focused on that front door. And many hallways that lead to each door. If he does go through those doors, he will come by the camera. A judge comes in a different door, a jury comes in even another door, a defendant who's incarcerated comes in a different door, the public comes in, the main door. So there are many doors.

Okay, okay. So let me get this straight. You're telling me the courthouse has multiple doors. And different people come through different doors and then those doors connect to other doors and then those are all the doors. Okay, man, I'm learning so much about the legal system. Thank you, cable news. Now, the doors. Buildings got doors and shit. You You learn stuff. Now, here's what bothered me about today. I'll say this. this. this. this. this. this. this. this. this. th. this. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the thi. the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thi. And thi. And thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooes. And. And thoooooooooes. And th doors and shit. You learn stuff. Now, here's what bothered me about today. I'll say this. Donald Trump deserves a fair trial. But I also want Trump to get the full American criminal justice experience, which is not what

happened today. My man got to schedule his visit to the courthouse like he the cable man. Trump called the court. Hey, listen, I'd be down to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the j to the j the to the to the the the j, the the the the the the the tho the the tho the tho thoomoomoomo' the the the thoomorrow thoomoomoomoomoomoomoomoomoomoomoomoomoom. to bother to bother to bother to bother to bother to bother to bother to bother to bother to bother to bother to bother to bother to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. tho th. th. thi. thi. tho. tho. tho. the the the tho the the the thoooooooooooooooooooooomorrow. the the the the toooooooooooooomoooomoome. too. to to to schedule his visit to the courthouse like he the cable man. Trump called the court, hey listen, I'll be down to the jail Tuesday between 10 and 2, just make sure you have to happen. Then once Trump got there, there were no handcuffs, there were no mug shots, there were no perp walks. Well, for Trump it would be a perp waddle, but you understand. But you know, that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't that, that, that, that, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. that's. that's. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. the the. the tr. true. that. th. that. that. that. that. that's. that's. that's. that's. you know, that doesn't make the point. My point is, I'm disappointed. Because today shows you how humane our courts could be.

So many people get dragged into this legal system and it's humiliating. You get handcuffed, you get gawked at. You wait days, sometimes months for an arraignment. Then you go into a building through one of those many doors. You get to a room, they strip you naked, they spread your ass cheeks, they make you cough twice, which I never understood the second cough. But the first cough I get, one cough is enough to know whether or not I got drugs in my booty. The second cough is for you.

That's wrong. Am I sharing too much with y'all right now? I thought I could open up to y'all, apparently not. My point is, for the sake of this country, I hope that Donald Trump gets a swift trial, but that doesn't mean he should get to use the TSA pre-check lane. But here's the good news. The New York investigation is just one of many into the former president. So, Georgia, we'll have plenty of other opportunities to get him arrested correctly.

So Georgia, got plenty more opportunities. So, state of Georgia, if you're listening, when you finally get Donald Trump in your courtroom, make sure he coughs twice. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for clapping for that, man. You know, that was good. But, you know, I just, I don't know if that, man. You know, that was good, but you know, I just, I don't know if that's good enough to go viral.

I'm trying to go viral this week, you know. It's a lot of pressure as guest host. You know, you got to be funny, you got to be satirical, you got to be powerful, you've got a, you know, you got to go viral, you got to go v v v v v v to go to go to go, you, you, you, you, you to go, you, you to go, you to go, you to go, you to go, you to go, you to go, you to go, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got to go, to go, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, to go, to go, to go, to go, to go, to go, to go, to go to go to go to go to go, to go, to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go viral, to go to go v to go viral, to go vile and I don't know what to do. I just wish I had somebody that I could talk to to to guide me through some of this stuff, man. Roy, Roy, use the false, who that? Roy, use the false? I'm a ghost man, who that? Roy, use the false. I'm a- I'm a-gau'gau's man, who that? Roy. Roy, use the force, use the force, Roy. Roy, just... I know you. I know you. I know you. I know you. I knew I knew you. I knew I knew your ass. You're only one I know you. I'm John. I'm John. Stuart. I used to work here when the budget wasn't as big. I'm John. I'm John. Stuart. I, I used to work here when the budget wasn't as big.

Years back, it was... You were there. No, I actually hosted the program to be honest with you. The Daily Show had a white host? Yeah. Why are you dressed like Obay-Wan Kenobi? I like to be comfortable. Okay.

Roy, the point is this. Donald Trump doesn't define you... Wait, if you're Obi-Wan Kenobi, what does that make me? Because if you're Obi-Wan, that makes me Luke Skywalker. No, you're... Why the fuck wouldn't you want to be Luke Skywalker? Luke Skywalker kissed his sister. I want to be thololololk, the the tholk, the thk, tho, tho, tho, tho, the tho, tho, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, tho, tho, the tho, tho, tho, the the tho, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the point, the point, the point, the point, the point, the point, the, the point, the, the point, the, the point, the point, the point, the the the the the the the the the th. th. Why, thu, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thro. Why, throoooom. thi. thi. thooooooom. thi. Why, the point, the point, the point, the point, the point, the I want to be Hans Solo instead. Hans Solo was badass. Han Solo was cool.

He had the ship. You can beat you Bacca. Why would I bond to be like a wolf ape? That doesn't make... Look, I think we would make more sense if I were the wise sage who mentors the young host and not the wolf ape. Also, I cannot return this robe. What happened was the events that took place in this...

But if you're Obi-Wan, if you're Obi-Wan and I'm Luke, then does that mean my dad is Vader? Because if my dad is Darth Vader, does that mean Donald Trump is my dad? Why? Why? I'm trying to... I'm trying to... I know that. Roy. Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, why, why, why, why, why, why, Roy, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, that, that, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, to... th. th. thi. thi. to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thirying to, I'm trying. I know that, Roy, why would Donald Trump be your father? Because if I'm Luke and Trump is Vader, that means Trump killed you. What? Fine. You're on solo, I'm baby Yoda. Fine. The point is... Why can't you be regular Yoda? What the fuck are you talking about?

I... regular Yoda. What the fuck are you talking about? I should have come when Silverman was here. Listen, okay, okay, okay. How about this? How about the because I want to go along with you on this. Okay, how about you be Yoda because you're all hobbled and green and shit and I'll be Lando for obvious reasons. I can be Lando you know. Is this a trap? Yeah because you're both have mustaches mustaches yes my point is this Roy and thank you for having me on the program. The thing about, and you're doing a fabulous job, by the way, thank you brother. The thing about this historic indictment is that American Judas Prudence is...

I think we're out of time. Thank you so much, Joe Stewart, everybody. Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.