The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Jon Stewart Tackles Israel - Palestine & Michael Kosta On Biden's Ice Cream Shop Press Conference

Episode Date: March 2, 2024

Jon Stewart covers the war in Gaza and suggests possible solutions to end the conflict. Plus, Michael Kosta gives us the scoop on Biden discussing a ceasefire in Gaza from the comfort of an ice cream parlor, CPAC's concert to celebrate Trump "winning" the 2020 election, and he and Ronny Chieng discuss Wendy's new surge pricing model.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm your host John Stewart. This is number three. The third episode. This is my third episode. The first two. the third episode.

The first two. Very controversial. a lot of discourse around it, a lot of carping back and forth, a lot of anger, a lot of commentary. Tonight, I'm done with it. Tonight is perhaps an Amuzbush, a trifle. Something like, tonight we discuss Israel Palis- Well, I'm kidding me? Are we?

Who wrote this? Well, I legally have to read what's in the prompter, so. Here we go. We're going to take a look in our new and probably never-ending segment. Yes! Somehow the audience knew, but tonight we discuss Israel Palestine. We discuss Israel Palestine. Any discussion of Israel Palestine is not meant to endorse or justify all the actions on

either side. Mentors to Hamas do not mean we don't condemn Hamas. Do not listen to this segment if you were predisposed to anti-Semitism or isloma common side effects of discussing the Middle East are depression, infections of the paranoia and craving hummus. Well, folks, this is an awful situation. We're coming off on five months of a brutal bombing campaign brought on by a horrific massacre and hostage-taking, and we seem no closer to ending anything but the reigns of a couple of Ivy League presidents. Well, this weekend, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu finally laid out his

plan for peace. Benjamin Netanyahu is calling for complete demilitarization of Gaza as well as Israel taking over security and controlling entry and exit points to Gaza. So your peace plan is a siege, a military sea. You really think a military solution ends this cycle? Victory is within reach, and you can't have victory until you eliminate Hamas. But, okay, but your plan to eliminate Hamas by destroying all of Gaza, uh, doesn't that just make more Hamas's? Is that the plural of Hamas?

Hamas? Hamas? I mean, it's an idea, Palestinian liberationation is an idea. Unless you have a bomb that kills ideas, do you have a bomb that kills ideas? I mean, how long would it even take to bomb the shit out of an idea? The intense phase of the fighting is weeks away from completion. Not months, weeks away from completion. Oh, dear God.

If you insist on this plan, if you think that ends Hamas, I believe we in the United States have a banner you can use. It's a little wind damaged, but equally delusional. Look, the United States is Israel's closest ally. Israel's big brother in the fraternity of nations. Israel's work emergency contact. Maybe it's time for the U.S. to give Israel some tough moral love. This is shameful. There has to be accountability for these war crimes.

No targeting civilians in war. Stop the war crimes and the atrocities and end the war today. It could happen right now. Right now! Thank you. These atrocities must be... So I'm being told the administration was talking about Russia bombing Ukraine. I apologize. Also a war crime. But I'm sure they're giving equally stern advice to Israel.

The Biden administration is urging Israel to be much more careful, to be more cautious. How Israel does this matters. Israel must do more to protect innocent civilians. We want to see the government of Israel take steps to minimize civilian harm. Be more surgical and more precise and more careful. Hey Israel! Take a ton of nuts. Could you please be more careful with your bombing? It's good advice. But really, couldn't the United States have told Israel that when we gave them all the bombs?

There are bombs. This is like your Coke dealer coming in with an eight ball and going, don't stay up all night. Don't sleep. Sleep is very important. You got to sleep. You gotta sleep. You don't want to... And breakfast is an important part of the day. So, look, the Israeli position doesn't seem so tenable. Perhaps I can find some diplomatic leeway in the Hamas position. Israel is a country that has no place on our land.

We must remove that country. Does that mean the annihilation of Israel? Yes, of course. I cannot find diplomatic leeway in the Hamas position. F. F. Well, this is when we need the world. The civilized world of nations to come together and stop this madness.

A resolution calling for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza has just failed to pass. A UN Security Council draft resolution to allow aid delivery has been vetoed. Russia and China used their veto against an American resolution condemning Hamas. Immediate ceasefire in Gaza has failed. Western nations voted against it. It was delayed four times this week. Draft resolution has not been adopted. Why do you even have a fucking building?

Why do you? We could use that. We have a housing crisis. Give us back our fucking building. This is not right. What is the United Nations even? What are you just a support system for a diverse and pleasing food court? What are you? What are you? What are you? That cannot be the UN's food court, by the way. That is clearly just a mall in Long Island. Doesn't anyone care about the suffering of all these civilians? What about a good neighbor? Saudi Arabia? In the the Palestinian cause is the Arab world's most important cause.

I want to see really a good life for the Palestinians. Thank you. Thank you. And while Saudi Arabia does not accept Palestinian refugees, and Egypt doesn't either, for that matter. The Saudis are the richest country in the region. And they've given... This can't be right, on average about $200 million a year to the Palestinians. Jesus, are you kidding me? The Saudis have given just as much money to Phil Mickelson. Is that true? I assume, I assume, I assume to promote the equally important cause of the Miccosonian people. So Israel, the United States, the United Nations, the Arab nations, no one seems

to be incentivized to stop the suffering of the innocent people in this region. Now I didn't want to bring this up, but there is another player. Small religious start up out of Bethlehem. I think it might have began as a carpenters union, but... Has gotten big. Do they have a plan for the Middle East? There will be the Battle of Armageddon. Jesus Christ is going to sweep over that battlefield

and to annihilate that army of 200 million people. The blood will flow to the bridle of a horse. So that's the plan for the prince of peace, is that so? I am not an equestrian expert, but if the blood goes all the way to the bridle, that's an enormous amount of blood, no? Unless, are we talking about the mini horses because that's still? It's a lot of blood, but more that's an enormous amount of blood, no? Unless, are we talking about the mini-horses? Because that's still. It's a lot of blood, but more manageable. And adorable.

Look, I think I think we have to get real here. I think we have to get real here. The status quo cycle of provocation and retribution is predicated on some idea that one of these groups is going to go away. And they are not. If we want a safe and free Israel and a safe and free Palestine, we have to recognize that reality. And I know that there is a twisted and much contested history in the region that has brought

us to this point. But we are at this point. And anything we do from here has to look forward. So tonight, lucky you. I'm going to do that. With not one. Not two, but a three. Solutions for peace. Number one. Along the shores of Pleasant Lake in Maine, 95 Israeli and Palestinian teams are trading

rockets for rackets. The goal of seeds of and may take longer than we have, unless we just bring the whole f-fledgion to Maine. How fast can we make 14 million rackets? But that's just my opening offer. That was just one peace plan, people. Don't abandon me yet. Number two. Let's just ask God. It's his house.

He's the one who started all this. Just ask God. He can tell us who is right. Is it the Jews? Is it the Muslims? Is it the Zoroastrians? If it's the Scientologists, a lot of us are going to have egg on our faces. But given God's lack of communication over this past, let's say millennia. Yeah. Here's another one.

And heaven forbid. I actually think this last one could work. Starting now, no preconditions, no earned trust, no partners for peace. Israel stops bombing. Hamas releases the hostages. The Arab countries who claim Palestine as their top priority come in and form a demilitarized zone between Israel and a free Palestinian state. The Saudis, Egypt, UAE, Qatar, Jordan.

They all form like a NATO arrangement, guaranteeing security for both sides. Obviously, they won't call it NATO. It's the Middle East treaty organization. It's Me Too. It's, let's tweet it out. Me Too. Tonight, people.

Let's get this region me-tude. Now, obviously, I have not worked out the exact verbiage, but anything is better than the cluster-fix cycle we have now. Because honestly, what is the alternative? The Trump of God sounds and the rapture happens. We're gone. We're gone. In the twinkling of an eye,

we're just simply not here. Poof indeed, sir. Poof indeed. Poof indeed. Let's skip things off with an update on the war in the Middle East. With the situation increasingly desperate, the world has been looking to the United States for a way forward. And yesterday, President Joe Biden had some good news, although he delivered it in the most

Joe Biden way possible. Can you give us a sense of when you think that's a the final start? Well, I hope by the beginning of the weekend. At least my national security advisor thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. the world, thi. thi, thi, th beginning of the weekend. I mean, the end of the weekend. At least, my National Security Advisor tells me that we're close. We're close. Not the most dignified way to deliver world-changing news. It does remind me of the photo of Obama's team watching that bin Laden raid while making balloon animals.

Now, in Joe Biden's defense, he had the ice cream first. It's not like they asked him about Gaza and he said, hold on, if we're going to talk about war, I got to get a mint chip. No, he was in an ice cream store about to eat ice cream, and some reporter jumped in and said, what about Gaza? This is why I don't think we should have a free press. Personally, I don't think anyone should be asked about Israel Palestine while they're eating ice cream. I thought that was like an unwritten rule. I'm holding a tiny cylinder topped with a giant misshapen

dairy blob that immediately starts melting on all sides. I've got one tiny little napkin for some reason. You think Israel Palestine is a crisis? I'm dealing with something here. I'll tell you what, if I was a politician, I would always have an ice cream with me. Just to cram in my mouth in case I got asked about Israel Palestine. It's not a good strategy for Mitch McConnell, though.

That guy already has brain freeze. Kobe! Now, despite Biden's prediction, both Hamas and Israel say they're not actually close to a ceasefire. But I'm not surprised that Biden was so optimistic. that Biden was so optimistic. When you're holding a freshly scooped ice cream cone, everything feels like it's going to be okay. That's why it's the official food of telling your kid you're getting a divorce.

Ice cream. It is your fault, kiddo. Yeah. So, I don't blame Biden for talking about that stuff while he was eating ice cream. What I do blame him for is, why does he open his mouth so early in the process? I don't know about you, but I typically open my mouth when the food gets there? I don't need a lot of prep time. And he did one other thing that I found pretty disturbing. I don't know better combo.

We've got mint chef. Dude, the sneeze guard is there for a reason. Republicans are right, Biden doesn't really respect borders. Impeach. Impeach. Although I will say I am impressed by how flexible his shoulders are. You know, I don't think he could do that. Based on what I've heard from John Stewart, you would think his arms would just fall right off. But let's move on to the other side of the aisle because over the weekend Republicans gathered for CPAC, the Conservative Political Action Conference.

It's like Woodstock for people who hate anybody who went to Woodstock. And if you think the whole weekend was just them saying that Trump really won the 2020 election, no, no, no, no. They were also singing it. Trump on a night. Trump o' night. And this one thin th th th th th th th night. And then this one that shows.

Trum one in the night. Does anyone have any Molly? I want to overdose. If the lyrics are too subtle for you, I like how her dress gets the point across. What's she saying? Oh, I see, Trump won. But look, CPAC isn't just the best rock concert of all time. It's also an important way to find out what the current conservative priorities are. And based on the titles of this weekend's panel discussions, it's going to be a fun year. CPAC 2024, where globalism goes to die. Ladies and gentlemen, does Congress even matter?

Would Moses go to Harvard? What you talking about, Fannie Willis? Shooting from the hip, going full Hungarian, stopping Georgie Soros. The Bible uncancelled. God loves justice. God's children are not for sale. Babies are us. Putting our heads in the gas stove. Seems like you guys might be inhaling some fumes already. Now it's always good to have panels that sound like categories if Jeopardy had a mental breakdown. Let's move on to some economic news.

Traditionally, Americans have eaten food at breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but soon, that's going to cost you. Wendy's the country's second largest burger chain with 6,000 locations, announcing that starting next year, menu prices will fluctuate during the busiest times of day, meaning you could be paying as much as a dollar more for that baconator during the lunch rush. Wendy's CEO announcing his company will spend $20 million on high-tech digital menu boards that can update prices in real-time.

Wendy's telling ABC News in a statement that the decision can allow them to motivate customers to visit and provide them with the food they love at a great value. Shut the fuck up. I mean, wow. You're providing me with food I love at a great value. Don't you hate when companies try to pretend they're not squeezing every dollar out of us? Just tell me you want all my money, dude. Don't take my wallet and be like, this is good for both of us. But yeah, it looks like Wendy's is going to charge more

during the most popular times. And they call this dynamic pricing or whatever. But really, this is just another tax on people who hate themselves and don't know how to cook. Although, this will be good for guys looking to impress girls. Hey, you want to go to Wendy's during the lunch rush? Ooh, all right, Play, huh? But let's face facts. This is the wave of the future. Airlines and hotels and Uber already do this.

And if Wendy's pulls this off, there's no reason why every restaurant, hell, every place of business won't be using surge pricing soon. The emergency room will be like, look, if you can come back at 2 a.m., fixing those stab wounds will be a lot cheaper. So if you agree with me that this has to stop, there's only one natural conclusion. You need to burn down a Wendy's right now. And you also need to say it was your idea. That's important. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show,

wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a comedy central podcast.