The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Jon Stewart's First Night Back!

Episode Date: February 17, 2024

Jon Stewart returns to the host chair at The Daily Show and takes us through the Joe Biden vs. Donald Trump election rematch and how their respective old age is something all voters need to reckon with.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. Welcome to The Daily Show.

My name is John Stewart. Now, where was I? I'm excited to be back. I'm very excited. Good to see you guys. Why am I back? You may be asking yourselves, it's a very reasonable question. I have committed a lot of crimes. From what I understand, talk show hosts our granted immunity, so it doesn't make a lot of sense, but take it up with the founders. I don't know. We're going to have so much we're going to talk about this year. Obviously, elections, maybe we'll talk about China, maybe we'll talk about AI, maybe something a little lighter, Israel, Palestine. Who knows? But first, the Super Bowl was yesterday. Gentleman in the crowd who's delighted that the

Kansas City won. It was really sadly a lose-lose for real America. Kansas City chiefs are world champions, which means the decades-long plot in which Travis and Taylor brainwash America into getting routine vaccinations is complete. But it was really kind of a no-win for conservatives. I mean if the chiefs lost, who wins? The People's Communist Republic of Gay Pelosi Stan. It's almost like the rights ridiculous obsession with politicizing every aspect of American life ruins everything. But now that it's over nine months till the election people!

And the exciting part is we already know our candidates. It's drumroll please, these fucking guys! And the exciting part is we already know our candidates. It's drum roll, please. These fucking guys! That's why tonight we're debuting our election coverage in decision 2024, American Democracy! That's why tonight we're debuting our election coverage in decision 2024, American Democracy! Say it's a, it's a homophone. We didn't change the sound of the word, but we added a K, which makes it wittier. How about, Indecision 2024!

Election! We changed the one letter. Are you disappointed yet? So Joe Biden and Donald Trump. And by the way, this weekend, the big news was the special counsel report on Joe Biden's handling of classified information. So, Joe Biden's report offers scathing details of what the t report on Joe Biden's handling of classified information. The special counsel's report offers scathing details of what it calls his diminished faculties and faulty memory.

Writing if charged, Mr. Biden will likely present himself to the jury, as he did during his interview with our office as a sympathetic, well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory. Where did I park those documents? This guy couldn't remember stuff during his deposition. Do you understand what that means? He had no ability to recall very basic things, under-questioning. The footage of the president unable to recall simple facts must have been brutal to watch. James Webb. I don't remember the news.

I don't remember ever buying something for myself. Did you recall what years you were married to Ms. Naples? I mean I don't remember that. Okay, as good as my memory is. I don't remember that. So you don't remember saying you have one of the best. I don't remember. I don't. I don't. I'm sorry. El Doron. That's the wrong, that's the wrong footage. That's the high functioning candidate from nine years ago, unable to recall if he has a good memory. I'm sorry, here's the actual footage.

Who created Trump International Real Time? I don't remember. I don't remember the email. I'm just saying I don't remember this. I just don't seem to recall anything about this. He actually seemed upset about it. I don't know. Yes it turns out that the leading cause of early onset dementia is being deposed. But back to President Biden. Biden was not about to take the special counsel's characterizations lying down,

although chances are he was lying down when the point is this. To the press conference, Batman! My memory is fine. My memory, take a look at what I've done since I've become president. None of you thought I could pass any of the things I got passed. How'd that happen? I know what the hell I'm doing on my president and I put this country back on his feet.

Well, no, I did not say that. I'll be about to say that. Mr. President, let me ask you're a question. and they have expressed concerns about your age. That is your judgment. Boom! He took them to the house! He was all over it! Joe Biden! Taking names! Kick an ass!

Press conference over! You didn't mess up! No, no, no, don't stop. Hold on, sir, don't, no, you killed this. Take the W. What are you doing? Do not go. Allow me to present to you a one-man show about what Joe Biden's advisors were doing when he

turned around and went back to the podium. The show is called, No! Do not go back! Please, but he went back. I'm at the view, as you know, that the conduct of the response in the Gaza Strip has been over the top. Garbanzo Garmin, Garmin, Gaza. By the way, the response in Gaza. By the way, the response in Gaza has been over the top.

the response in Gaza has been over the top. You know, I like how Biden describes Israel's incessant bombing of civilians, the same way my mother talks about the Super Bowl halftime show. It was a little much. Did they need to be on roller skates? Whatever happened in music? You sing the song and people will love it, but with the abs and the twirling. And the hits kept coming. Initially, the president of Mexico, C.C. did not want to open up the gate to allow humanitarian material to get in.

Now, geography buffs might have noticed. Gaza and Mexico do not share a border. That Biden was referring to C.C., the president of Egypt, not Mexico. Unless it was even worse than that, and he thinks the president of Mexico is named C. C. So Joe Biden at a big press conference to dispel the notion that he may have lost a step, and politically speaking, lost three to four steps. But don't worry, because they don'tthree to four steps. But don't worry, because they don't need the press conference.

The Super Bowl was on Sunday, and the President was offered a chance as per tradition, to do an interview where millions and millions of people could see him competently and clearly lay out his 2024 agenda. Or he could just turn that down and do what this is. The Biden-Harris campaign joined Tick-Tock over the weekend. The first video was released during the Super Bowl and it shows President Biden answering questions related to the big game. Game or half-time show? Jason Kelsey or Travis Kelsey?

Mama Kelsey, great chalk and a great chalkerchief of this. Oh, please. Fire everyone. Everyone. Everyone. How do you go on Tick-Tock and end up looking older? toe. How do you go on Tick-Tock and end up looking older? Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election.

Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. We're gonna be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. So yes, everyone spent the entire weekend

talking about whether the Democratic choice for president is mentally up to the challenge of the world's most demanding job. So what was his opponent saying this weekend? We have to win in November or we're not going to have Pennsylvania, they'll change the name, they're going to change the name of Pennsylvania. I can't believe I've lived in New Jersey this long and have been mispronouncing Pennsylvania. Apparently the emphasis is at the end of the line. Yes, it should be noted while concerns over any president's fitness and acuity are legitimate,

especially those at an advanced age, Biden's opponent also seems to live at the villages. So, the question then becomes, what the f-f-what are we doing here, people? Ooh, wait. No? That's a nice Indecision 2024 title. Yeah. Yeah. Let me tell you something.

Barden's lost the step. But Trump regularly says things at rallies that would warrant a wellness check. All I know about magnets is this. Give me a glass of water. Let me drop it on the magnets. That's the end of the magnets. I am not a scientist. I'm pretty sure water is not the end of magnets. I think he may be thinking of cotton candy.

Pretty easy to mix those up. It's probably why the front of his refrigerator is so messy. It just, and sticky and, look, these two candidates, they're very kind with your enthusiasm. These two candidates, they are both similarly challenged. And it is not crazy to think that the oldest people in the history of the country, to ever run for president might have some of these challenges................. the the the the the the the th. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. the the the the th. It's, to. to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to thi. It's, to to to to to to to probably, it's, it's, it's probably, it's probably, it's, it's, it's probably, it's probably, it's probably, to to to to to to to to to to be the front. It's, to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be. to be the to be. the to be, the the the to be, the the the the the to be, the front. to be, the front, the front, the front, the front, the front, the front, the front, to be to be toe. the front, toe. toe. to think that the oldest people in the history of the country to ever run for president might have some of these challenges. Now Democrats will say that any criticism like this, especially of Biden, is

unfair because you just don't know Biden like they know Biden. President Biden, who I've been around numerous times just in this last year is sharp, he's focused, he's bright. He is sharp, intensely probing and detail-oriented and focused. This is a man who is sharp, who is on top of his game, who knows what's going on. He's smart. He's on his game. I was in almost every meeting with the president, and the president was in front of and on top of it all.

Coordinatinging and directing leaders who are in charge of America's national security, not to mention our allies around the globe. Did anyone film that. That would be good to show to people instead of a tick-dock where he goes. Chalky tip-coh. You should film that. That would be good to show to people instead of a Tick-Doc. Instead of a Tick-Dock where he goes, took-chip cookie.

We see he's in charge. You see, I like cookies. Of course, when it comes to Republicans, they've got a different strategy for their 77-year-old candidate. Well, first of all, Donald Trump is not an old man. He's an old man. He is objectively an old man. On a human scale, Trump is objectively old. If he was a tortoise, I would tell him as a tortoise at 77, oh, young man go off and enjoy college. But he's not a tourist. He's not a tortoise. That is not being ageist. That is being human life spanist. One thing we know for certain is this.

We have two candidates who are chronologically outside the norm of anyone who has run for the presidency in this country, in the history of this country, they are the oldest people ever to run for president, breaking by only four years the record that they set! The last time they ran. They are at the age. They are objectively old. They're at the age. There are no objectively old, they're at the age, there are no more age-related

milestones to hit. They got the ARP card, they've got Social Security, they've got their movie discounts. There is no, oh wait till you hit 88, you get to drink and drive, no! The only thing left to them is a today-show smucker's shout-out. You know what, I think we've we've we've we've we've we've we've we've we've th th th th th th th to them is a today show Smuckers shout out. You know what? I think we've got a new name for our election coverage. Indecision 2024 Antiques Roadshow. All right. Look, here's what I'm going to tell you. We're not suggesting neither man is vibrant, productive, or even capable.

But they're both stretching the limits of being able to handle the toughest job in the world. What's crazy is thinking that we are the ones as voters who must silence concerns and criticisms. It is the candidates job to assuage concerns, not the voters' job not to mention them. And look, I'm not trying to be cruel. I didn't want to have to do this on my first day. Come over here. Look at me. Look at me.

Look what time hath wrought. Look. Give the kids a tree to the lunar surface here. Look at this. I'm like 20 years younger than these this. This. Look at this.

They wish. They wish. You don't, if you don't, if you don't, you don't, if you don't, there's a truth. And if you think like, oh, 20 years isn't that long, this is me 20 years ago. Yeah, yeah. I agree. And perhaps it was my mistake for sleeping in a meat dehydrator. Look, Joe Biden isn't Donald Trump. He hasn't been indicted as many times, hasn't had as many fraudulent businesses, or been convicted in a civil trial for sexual assault, or been ordered to pay defamation,

and had his charities disbanded or stiffed a shit-to-ton of blue-collar trades when he'd hired. Should we even get to the grab the pussy stuff? Probably not. But the stakes of this election don't make Donald Trump's opponent less subject to scrutiny. It actually makes him more subject to scrutiny. If the barbarians are at the gate, you want Conan standing on the ramparts, not chocolate chip cookie. So what's the ramparts not chocolate chip cookie guy.

So what's the good news? That was not rhetorical framing. I'm literally asking you. Look, the next nine months or so, and maybe more than that depending on the coup schedule, they're gonna suck. You're gonna be getting emails with insane subject lines like, hello John, it's Chuck Schuma. Donald Trump is right behind you with a knife. Don't in.

Don't in! You're going to get in dated with robo-calls and push-polls and real polls and people are going to tell you to rock the vote and be the vote and vote the vote and finger-bang the vote. And it's all going to make you feel like Tuesday, November 5th is the only day that matters. And that day does matter. But man, November 6th, ain't nothing to sneeze at or November 7th. If your guy loses, bad things might happen, but the country is not over.

And if your guy wins, the country is in no way saved. I've learned one thing over these last nine years. And I was glib at best and probably dismissive at worst about this. The work of making this world resemble one that you would prefer to live in is a lunch, pale, f-sh-ail, day in and day out, where thousands of committed anonymous, smart, and dedicated people bang on closed doors and pick up those that are fallen and grind away on issues till they get a positive result and even then have to stay on to make sure that result holds.

So the good news is I'm not saying you don't have to worry about who wins the election. I'm saying you have to worry about every day before it and every day after. Forever. forever. Although, on the plus side, I am told that at some point, the sun will run out of hydrogen. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. to watch the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes any any-time, the time-for-and-for-e-for, and the-up-up-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for-for, th, th-for-for-for-for-for-for, th, th-for, th Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Hey, everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly

Show coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast.