The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Jordan Klepper's Daily Show Debut | The Best of Klepper as Guest Host

Episode Date: May 10, 2023

Jordan Klepper reminisces on his start at The Daily Show in 2014, including Jon Stewart's sage advice: "Don't f**k it up." As guest host, Jordan Klepper covers: Fox News's $787 million settlement, an interview with Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer, "wrong place shootings," a tantrum on Southwest Airlines, and the reason why young boys need better role models than Andrew Tate.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. I remember my first night on the show. It was while I auditioned on I think a Friday and they told me come back four days later with a suit. Because they had no money to pay for the suits. And luckily I had one suit because I had gotten married a few months earlier. And I came back with a suit and the day was bonkers. I arrived and oddly enough it was the day Crimea was invaded and I know.

We actually know where that place is now. Because I didn't that morning and I showed up and I went to this morning meeting which is an amazing thing at the Daily Show. So many funny, thoughtful people in a room and I get thrown in there and it's such a welcoming place. And there's John Stewart, somebody I've watched since I was very little, he's very old and decrepit. Also very short, small man, wise beyond his years, but many years. We were talking about Crimea and all of these things and they're like, Jordan you're gonna do that tonight? We're gonna talk about this, let's go. And you brainstorm some ideas for the chat. And remember they bring me into to John's office like right, and they. And they. And their their their their their their their their their their their their tooom. And tooom. And tooom. And th. And tooom. And tooom. And tooom. And tooom. And tooom, their tooom. And to to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be told, told, tooes, tooing, tooing, tooing, tooing, tooing, tooes, their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their, their th. And, thi. And, their thi. And, their thi. And, their their toomorrow, te. And te. And, te. And, toomorrow, toomorrow, toomorrow, toomorrow, t. And remember, they bring me into John's office, like, right after the meeting. And I'm very nervous. I don't know how this day works.

And we sit down, and John starts talking about not only what happened, but essentially he's talking about the commentary that's been written in the morning about what already happened in that room. And I'm sitting across from him with a few other people. Jen Flans is over there right now, EP Show Runner. She's in that room as well. She's the best. And there's a reason these shows can still run like they do with a different host every week and it's because of the team that we have here at the Daily Show. And I remember, John's, he's talking about all these things with Crimea and I just keep thinking, I don't know where Crimea is. I don't know.

And then we usher off and we we brainstorm jokes and bits around the Crimea invasion and it's fun. It's a wild day. The chat comes up and you go into a rewrite right before you come on out there and you you go one last time over it. And the process for a chat essentially the idea of of this chat was John is throwing to their first-time correspondent who's in Crimea and he's overwhelmed by the experience. Truth in comedy, it's always the best way to go. And I remember in the rewrite, you're in this small room and you're throwing jokes out there and John opened up of like, how would you react here? And I said, I'd say, like, I don't want to disappoint you, dad.

And I made him laugh, because that's how I was feeling in that fucking room at that moment. I don't want to disappoint you, dad. And it was like, that's good. That was the first joke I got on in the show. And it's like, and it, and it, and it, I was like, and it, I was like, th, and I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I'm like, I'm, I'm, I'm like, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the th thin, I thin, I'm, ththe ththe the the the an the an the an the an the an thean., to to to to to to to to at the Daily Show. When you print the script, it's like, great, we're on in 20 minutes. And so he comes out, I go back, my brain is spinning, and I've been doing comedy and entertainment for 15 years, but never had a break anyone near this, been living in poverty up until this point.

I'm like, holy shit, I'm on the daily show. I'm looking through the script. John comes th th th th th th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. I thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. And I's thi. And I's thi. And I's thi. And I's th. And I's th. And I's th. And I's th. And I's th. And I's th. And I's thin. And I's thin. And I's thin. And I's thin. And I'm thin. And thin. And thin. th th th th thin. th theeeeean. thean. theeean. thin. And thea. And I've thin. And I'm looking through script looking through the script. He says like we have something special happening today We have a new correspondent. We don't have that very often. I'm getting nervous And I'm bored to run starts to play which was the song he always played before he came out And then he's like you guys ready for a good show they say yes, he says welcome the daily show and he runs back and we just had this little one one one one one one moment one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one moment moment moment moment moment moment moment moment moment moment moment moment moment moment moment. he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he just just just just he he he he he he he he he he he he he he just he just he just he just he just he just he's just he's just just just just he's just just he's just just just just just just just just just just he's just he's just he's just he's just he he he he he he he he he he he he the the the the the th one one one moment moment moment moment moment moment moment moment moment moment moment. he he he he he's he's th th. He just th. He just tho's just tho's tho. He tho's tho. He th. He just the the he's just he's just he's just he's just moment. He just says, don't fuck it up. And I remember, like, he came back out there and right back there, like, tears. Because it was so much, this industry, it's hard, it's tough, and you're rarely in such supportive rooms like this. And for every break that you get, ten other people don't get it, who are worthy of that exact same break. And in that moment, I was like, there's so much emotion right now in this space.

And I remember like, tears. I'm like, fuck, you can't cry, you're on TV in three minutes. Pulling it all together, coming on out and nervously doing my first chat from right over there. So, to get a chance to be here on a day like today today today today today today today today today today today today to to Thank you. For more in the story, we're joined by our new senior Caucasian correspondent. Jordan Clepper, Jordan, thank you for joining us on the program. We appreciate doing it. Jordan, welcome to the show, first of all. We're excited to have you. You are in Crimea, obviously, you have studied this region for years. Yes, that is 100% true. Okay, as you have studied this region for years?

Yes, that is 100% true. Okay, as you know, the Crimean Peninsula is ethnically Russian. Now, it's important to remember a peninsula is a landmass surrounded on three sides by water, unlike an island or an Isthmus. Now, the Crimean Peninsula is dependent on Russia for most of their natural resources. Actually, they're dependent on the Ukraine for most of their natural resources. Right, right. Stupid. Stupid.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. I'm not going to fail you, Dad. John. It's all all right, Jordan. It's fine. Okay. Just relax. How are the people feeling? They're scared, John. Real scared. A little sweaty. Because they have ties to both the Ukraine and Russia? Is that...

Sure. I mean, if you'd asked them a week ago, would you like to be a part of Russia? They would have been like, yes, Russia is my favorite. I'd love to join Russia. I watch Russia every night. But now they don't know what they've got themselves into. And they think, maybe I've gotten a little bit in over my head. Just say, it's fine. You're doing fine.

Stay focused. What have you learned so far today? Well, you have to dial nine to get an outside line. Lunch is at one, and if I keep my head down here for a couple years, I've got a real shot at my own sitcom on NBC. I'm blowing it. You're not blowing it. Everything's fine. You're in Crimea.

Oh, you're in Crimea. You're, you're talking about Crimea. Yeah, throwing it. You're in Crimea. Now, Now obviously it's daybreak there. Oh, actually I'm going to stop you there, John. It's 6.15 at night. Although obviously we are pretending it's 11.15, which in Crimea is 6.15 in the morning where I'm supposed to be... Dad, I am so sorry.

You're not, you're doing great. Okay. There's, don't, there's almost nothing you can do to mess up one of these reports. Trust me. Thank you. That's, oh. Oh. This is kind of a big deal for me, John. This means a lot to me.

And my parents are watching at home, you know. Stay clean and sober, Jordan, you know, and that record will get expunged. Just keep to it, work hard. You know. Think you could go back to it work hard Think you could go back to Crimea or is that? That's yes You got it boss Yeah, yes, uh,

Huh Live from Crimea ? Good. Everybody, we'll be right back. Join me. Join me. Let's start with some breaking news.

Apparently widespread line and deceit may have some consequences. And we are back with our breaking news coverage. Just as opening statements were set to begin in what was going to be a historic trial, Dominion voting systems suing Fox for defamation. Lawyers on both sides reached a settlement, an absolutely enormous settlement. A lawyer for Dominion announced that Fox would be paying Dominion $787,500,000.0000. Wow. Wow. $787 million.

That is a ton of money. And Fox was already strapped for cash. Tucker Carlson can only afford one facial expression. Look, I'm glad there's some accountability here, but still, I'm pretty disappointed we're not going to get a trial because all the Fox anchors would have been forced to testify. It would have been like the Seinfeld finale, but instead of, instead of soup Nazis, it's just...

Nazi. Since Fox is going to have to pay nearly a billion dollars, they'll need to implement cost-cutting measures. Sadly, they have to fire Brian Kilmeade's reading tutor. Janine Perro has to switch to the cheap box of wine. Development on a third ducy has been halted. They're going to have to switch from Jesse Waters to Tap Waters and of course they're gonna have to put down Sean Hannity. This weekend was the National NRA Convention, also known as Cargo Pants Comic-Con, or the

Westminster Stepdad Show. Now, people like to stereotype NRA members as gun-obsessed, whack jobs who want to arm little babies. And the thing about stereotypes is sometimes they're spot-on. I've got three kids, two son-in-laws, and did you know that I'm also a grandmother? Not just once but twice. Have two beautiful grandchildren. Little Miss Addie, who is almost two and branch, who's just a few months old. Now Addy, who, you know, soon will need them. I want to reassure you, she already has a shotgun and she already has a rifle.

And she's got a little pony named Sparkles too, so the girl is set up. Wow. That's the governor of South Dakota bragging about her two-year-old granddaughter owning guns. Bold. When my kid was little, I was covering outlets, locking cabinets, and cutting grapes in half because they might be a choking hazard. Christy Nome is like, here's a shotgun. You're on watch tonight. Sick a six-sepper Tyrannis.

Look, I know liberals and conservatives don't agree on much, but can we agree that you should not own a gun if you don't know how to poop in a potty? Although, although it is adorable that she has a pony named Sparkles. In fact, if you'll excuse me for a second, I need to address Sparkles directly. Sparcles, this to address Sparkles directly. Sparkles, this will not end well for you. These people are clearly insane. Ron, while you still can, there is no time for goodbyes.

Go, go, my friend, go. Go. Go. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Look, to be clear, to be clear, I'm not bringing up Christy Knoam just to make fun of her grandkids. I would never do that.

They've got guns. I'm bringing up Christy Knoam because she gave us a great insight into what creates the world view of an NRA member. My dad taught us life lessons. He taught us common sense and often those who were taught during our hunting trips. For instance, I remember being only about nine or ten years old, and we had hunted all day miles and miles from camp in the high country in the big horn mountains.

When my dad turned to me and he said, Christy, hunt your way back to camp. I'm going to go around this ridge and I'll meet you there at dark and he disappeared over the ridge. Now to a 10 year old girl this was terrifying and as strange noises came and darkness fell I had to rely on my instincts and my horse to find my way back to our tent. Now years later mom shared with me that my dad had followed me at a safe distance all the way back to camp to make sure that I got their safe now before you get all warm and fuzzy on him I also want to tell you that he made bear noises the whole time he was following me scratching trees and growling at me so you know

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! What an adorable story about alcoholism. Excuse me one second. Seriously Sparkles, this family is fucking nuts. Get out of there. Trust, no one. Let's move on to something else that's quintessentially American. People losing their shit on airplanes. We turn now to a southwest passengers outburst over a crying baby that forced the plane to land before its destination.

Who are that baby sports? This morning it's a midair meltdown of epic proportions aboard one Southwest flight, not just from the baby on board but also from an adult passenger. We are in a fucking 10 can with a baby with a baby in a goddamn echo chamber and you want to talk to me about being okay? Okay, because you're young. So is the baby. So is the baby? So is the baby? I don't care what the situation is, that is never a strong argument. Oh, so a baby can poop its pants in public, but I'm getting thrown out of this TJ Max? Yeah, this

guy totally lost it. I mean, somebody should have checked their emotional baggage. It's Southwets, that's an extra 50 bucks. Other states are waging kind of wars against different, you know, parts of their population. I think a lot of politicians just want to pick fights and get headlines and whether it's picking a fight with Mickey Mouse or moving backwards to the early 1900s. It's so much easier to show the, you know, early 1900s, it's so much easier to show up and to listen to people and know it really matters. So we're trying to make Michigan a place where every business can thrive and every person has rights and freedoms to make their own decisions and to live the life they want and be successful here in Michigan. You're progressive on guns, on abortion rights. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It th. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thiiii. It's th. It's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. It's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to, to teeeeeeeea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. te. the. the. want and be successful here in Michigan. You're progressive on guns, on abortion rights, it feels like the Michigan hand, it's a welcoming hand.

It is, it's a freedom. If Michigan is a hand, what is Florida? It looks like a... What? I mean, it looks like a... Okay, I'm not going there. I'm just saying. And it's... One peninsula. It's one peninsula that's urinating on our democracy at times your words By words, fair Luckily there are people out there doing the hard work of real investigative journalism People like Bruce Willingham he runs the McCurton Gazette news out of middle of nowhere, Oklahoma Now Bruce suspected that the local sheriff and other officials were doing

We're doing county business after meetings ended. So he secretly recorded them. And when he played the tape back, he heard them talking about him and his son, who was also a reporter, and it was not flattering. The recordings captured the group talking about hiring hitmen to kill the reporters and where the bodies could be hidden. I've known two-three hit men, the very and where the bodies could be hidden. I've known two or three getting in, the very quiet guys, and we'll cut no

person. Yeah. I know where two big depots are here or they're in. I'm going to this where. These are our three duds. Oh. Holy shit. You can't threaten to kill journalists in a council meeting.

Keep that shit on Twitter like a thi Although you can tell that some people were a little more integral to this plot than others because one guy was like I know two hitmen and another guy is like and I know two holes. Yeah thanks for the contribution Larry we'll let you know if we need to use your connection with the holes. And by the way how strapped for time time time time time time time time the time the time the time the time the time the time the time the time the time the time the the the their their their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to too. their. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. to. to. to. to. to. to to to to to to to to to to. to their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. to. to. to. to. to. to. the to. the the the the the the the th. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. th. I'm. to. I'm. to. to. to. to. to. connection with the holes. And by the way, how strapped for time are people in this town that they have to pre-dig murder holes? Are you so fucking busy that you can't do the hole after you do the murder? Or maybe it's like carrying an umbrella?

Like the day you don't have the hole is when you end up killing someone. Now look, it would be bad enough if plotting to throw local journalists into holes, pre-Dug or otherwise, was all that the county sheriff and his friends were caught doing on these tapes, but guess what? They moved on to something else. On that same audio recording, the people talking shared their dismay that lynching black people is no longer acceptable. I want to tell something, if we were back the day, what does that, take a damn blackjack whoopped threw their ass and thrown him in the sale, I'd run a fucking chaircut. Well it's not like that I know. I know, they're taken down on a mud creek and hang up with the damn rope. th you th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. th. Yeah, th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that,. I got more rocks than we got. Wow.

Someone tell these cops that they have the right to remain silent. And you can tell this thing was going to go badly as soon as they said back in the day. No sentence in the South ever goes well after the phrase, back in the day. It's never like, back in the day, we lived in a rich multicultural tapestry. What's crazy is these reporters weren't even looking for racism and assassination plots. They were hoping to catch improper meeting procedures. It's like if you put a security camera up in the office to see which employee was stealing your yogurts,

and you caught them doing a human sacrifice. You'd be like, oh my god, I've stumbled upon the most unholy rituals and, oh my god, they're eating my chobani! You're going to hopefully sell that inside? Do you need a license? Can you just kind of go into the gun show? No, you try to find somebody who wants to buy it or you find what you want 'll buy it, then what do you do? First of all, you kind of like look them over. Is that what a background check is here in Tulsa? I mean, this isn't where people are going to come to maliciously get guns mostly. Why not? I guess if I was like, I need to get a gun quick to do bad shit, this is actually exactly where I would come. How much is that going for? the the the the, to be a th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, to, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, the thin, their, I's, their, their, I'm, I's, I'm, I'm, their, their, their, to, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, I'm, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, they, tot. tot. I'm, tot. totally, totally, they. they. they. the they. the they. I'm, they. I'm, I'm, I came up there and was like, I don't know, I've had a little bit of a rough day, my wife just broke up with me, I'm a feeling a little on edge, how much for your gun? Well, I ain't gonna sell it to somebody that looks stupid, you know, or it looks like

crazy as shit, you know? What if I say the words of somebody whotalking about guns, but this is America and it's not giving me a choice. Because maybe you've noticed that a lot of this week's gun violence had something in common. They are the things that happen all the time, a mixed-up address, pulling into the wrong driveway or confusing one car from another. Yet remarkably for a third time in a week, seemingly innocent moments of confusion have led to bloodshed. From Kansas City, where a teen who approached the wrong doorstep

is recovering from two bullet wounds. To New York State, where a 20-year-old woman was fatally shot after the car she was in, accidentally drove up the wrong driveway. And now in Elgin, Texas, a high school cheerleader has been shot and seriously wounded after her friend apparently approached the wrong car. Police say Peyton Washington and Heather Roth were in a parking lot when Roth opened a car she thought was one of their own and saw a man inside. Roth says the man started firing as she was apologizing.

Does anyone else watching these stories feel like they're losing their goddamn minds? I mean, call me old-fashioned. Whatever happened to asking a person one fucking question. Are you confused about why a stranger is at your house? Before you open fire, open your mouth and just ask them, can I help you? It's not that hard. Look, I, I help you? It's not that hard. Look, I know you have Second Amendment rights, America, but you also have First Amendment

rights, use them. See, we're paying attention to them now. We pay attention now because a few of them happen in one week. What's wild is these wrong place shootings happen all the time. Because America is a country where every day, too many people are armed, scared, and end up using lethal force because Google Maps didn't update. I mean, what does it say when the most dangerous job in America is Jehovah's Witness? You know what? You know how bad things have gotten?

Remember that couple in St. Louis, the McCloskey's? A couple of years ago, they went out onto their front yard and pointed their guns at protesters. And they got a lot of shit for it. But you know what? They didn't fire it on anybody. And I never thought I'd say this, but please America, be more like these gun nuts. But we haven't been showing men what they should be. And that matters to young boys who are looking for an identity, for a narrative about what it means to be a man. And that vacuum is being filled by people with the worst possible idea of manhood.

Former kickboxer and Big Brother contestant Andrew Tate, infamous for being the self-proclaimed king of toxic masculinity. Tate's core message centers around the belief that masculinity is in the crosshairs, and he's defending it. His target audience, young men. This whole idea of being toxically masculine is complete garbage. I think the most dangerous men are the weak men. Feel, feel, feel, feel, feel, feel. Leave the feelings to the easiest way to weaken the will of men.

Study, study, study, give up your whole life in school. Then you get to be a doctor. You can't even buy a mother-of-fix sports car. The problem with most of you is that I am sitting here with my sunglasses, bald head, millions of dollars, nearly unmatched fighting. I am Morpheus. I need action. I need constant chaos in my life to feel content. I need to be driving a supercar and fighting. F.B-a bunch of shit champagne and going crazy. Okay, okay, okay, we get it. You have a small penis.

And, thrown. Even through the video, you can tell this guy wears too much cologne. And by the way, not to to tarnish his the the the the the the the the the the video, you can tell this guy wears too much cologne. And by the way, not to tarnish his sparkling image, but Andrew Tate is currently under investigation for human trafficking. I know, it's always the first one you suspect. Now, maybe you don't know Andrew Tate. Maybe you're thinking, who is this porn parody Vin Diesel? You may not know him, but trust me, your sons do.

With over 13 billion views on TikTok, Tate's rhetoric is moving from online to the classroom. So I'm a teacher and I teach sixth grade. The amount of young, 11-year-old boys that told me that they love Andrew Tate is ridiculous. One teacher says she hears blatant misogyny from the boys in her class, hearing them say that girls belong in the kitchen and only exist for reproduction. And another claiming they talk about alphas in sixth grade now. One teacher in South London noticed that his students were parodying Tate's ideology. About a third of the 30 students in the class passionately argued that women were responsible for their own sexual assaults,

one of Tate's top lines. Wow, times have really changed. When I was in sixth grade, the most toxic role model for boys was Michelangelo. He eats pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner. That turtle doesn't give a f-sick. Seriously, how can you be misogynistic in sixth grade? That's like the one year in life where all the girls are bigger than you. I wouldn't be running my mouth about Allison if Allison could hang me by my underwear on the flagpole. The solution to this problem is not to cancel Ander Tate. Interpol is probably going to do that for us.

Because even if he disappeared, even if he disappeared, someone else would take his place and spew toxic shit at young boys just as well and social media algorithms would pump it into young boys eyes and ears just as fast. Because that's really all this is about. Ander Tate is not interested in being a a role model. He wants clicks for money. He doesn't want to raise your son. He. He. He's. He's to to to to to to to to to the the to the to to the to the their to their their their their to their their their to to to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear their to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to disappear to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea is not interested in being a role model. He wants clicks for money. He doesn't want to raise your son. He's taking dad's seat at the table, but he's really the loudmouth uncle. That uncle who seems cool when you're a kid, but when you grow up, you realize living in a hotel is not a vacation. Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever

you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.