The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Last Week's Top Stories - Obama's Trump Diss, Face Mask Innovations & Teachers Get Creative

Episode Date: May 25, 2020

Barack Obama disses President Trump during his 2020 commencement address, face masks get bizarre upgrades, and teachers step up their game during the pandemic crisis. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. Let's talk about commencement addresses. It's that time of the year when everyone puts on address and are told that they're the

future of the planet. For much of America, this was graduation weekend. And so prominent celebrities and politicians decided to hold their versions of a virtual commencement speech. And the commencement speaker everyone was talking about is Barack Obama, 44th President of the United States and World's slowest Kenyon. Although his address turned out to be less of a graduation speech and more the world's loudest subtweet. Just as you've been looking forward to proms and senior nights, graduation ceremonies, and

let's face it, a whole bunch of parties, The world is turned upside down by a global pandemic. This pandemic is fully, finally torn back the curtain on the idea that so many of the folks in charge know what they're doing. A lot of them aren't even pretending to be in charge. Doing what feels good, what's convenient, what's easy, that's how little kids think. Unfortunately, a lot of so-called grown-ups, including some with fancy titles and important jobs, still think that way.

Which is why things are so screwed up. You know, it's funny how Obama hides his insults, almost like he doesn't want to get in trouble with Michelle for going low. Now, I agree with Michelle that we're going to go high. So I won't say anything about your mama. I will however point out that the person who gave birth to you has reached proportions that could possibly obscure large bodies of light.

This is crazy how Obama never even had to mention Trump by name. Like, that's how you know you've screwed up. When someone could just say, people have no idea what they're doing, and everyone was like, oh yeah, that's Trump, right? That's Trump. Even Trump is like, that's me, totally me. But as subtle as Obama's criticism may have been, it apparently set off a five alarm outraged fire over at Fox News.

It's a commencement speech. It's supposed to be motivational, positive, it's supposed to be about the graduates about about about about about about about about about about the graduates about the graduates about the graduates about the graduates about the graduates about the graduates about the graduates about the graduates about the graduates about the graduates about the graduates about the graduates about the graduates about the graduates about the graduates about the graduates about the was not the time for what he's doing. And by the way, Barack Obama is not all that articulate. When he reads off a teleprompter, he can be inspiring or off of a speech, but when he's impromptu, the umms and the aze, it's like it's impossible to listen to. It's very bad for an ex-president and a crisis to criticize kind of a former president to take the virtual commencement ceremony for a series of historically black colleges and universities and turn it into a political drive-by shooting. Yes, what Obama did there was a political drive-by shooting. He really cripp walked all over

America's norms. I mean, this was not the time for a rap battle because this is Donald Trump's movie and Obama is talking loudly during it. What a black day in American history. Look, there's no denying that Obama went out of his way to distrump in the speech. But I genuinely find it hilarious, that Fox News, Fox News is going to spend all day being offended about how a former president doesn't have decorum when the current president literally interrupted a pandemic briefing to remind everybody how he boned models.

And I'm not saying literally like everyone says literally. I'm literally using literally, literally, literally. Now, Obama wasn't the only politician who gave a commencement address this weekend. Nebraska Senator Ben Sass gave an address of his own. And guys, something tells me he's not handling quarantine well. Congratulations, graduates. This is a big moment.

Not on graduating high school, but on making the journey down the stairs from your bedroom to the living room and putting on something slightly more formal than sweatpants. Congratulations, parents, teachers and coaches. Not that there's really any meaningful distinction among those categories anymore at this point. If th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the, the. the. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thea. thea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. coaches. Not that there's really any meaningful distinction among those categories anymore at this point. If you're a parent, you're a teacher. Thanks a lot, China. We're all teachers now. I know I'm not supposed to say this, but you're not missing out on that much because honestly nobody, and by nobody, I mean nobody, remembers anything about their high school

graduation. In fact, a lot of us spend a lot of our lives trying to forget as much about high school as we possibly can. And in fact, there are a whole bunch of people who make a whole bunch of money by just trying to help other people to help other people. They're called psychologists. You know, anyoneto deliver a commencement speech that makes you wish you had booked Ted Cruz. And if this is his commencement speech, I'd hate to hear his version of a birthday song.

This could be your last one. This could be your last one. Statistically, you might not make it. So this weekend, everyone from President Obama to Senator E.O. in Nebraska released their commencement addresses. But the biggest newsmaker of all saved his commencement address for today. And I'm talking, of course, about COVID-19. And so, in conclusion, class of 2020, let me leave you with the three lessons that changed my life. Firstly, let the haters fuel your grind.

When I was just starting out, China acted like I didn't exist. Britain's Prime Minister treated me like a joke, and the US President said I was just another flu. But instead of losing hope, I remember what I learned from Taylor Swift, and I shook it off. I kept grinding, and thanks to the haters I've traveled the world and met all sorts of celebrities and I've even made it to the White House, the second virus to do so right after Stephen Miller. Secondly, remember

that you don't get anywhere alone. I could have ended up like so many other diseases, Murrs, SARS, Cootees, but I got to where I am thanks to the angels in my life. The people who dismissed science, the protesters who insisted on not wearing masks, and everyone who couldn't go three weeks without getting a haircut. You guys are my heroes. And finally, embrace the setbacks. When I failed in places like South Korea and New Zealand because they had a plan. A lot of people said my best days are behind me and yeah I was bummed but I knew that if I found the countries with the right leadership

for me I might just get a second shot. So students when people try to flatten your curve just keep climbing and remember people don't need to believe in you. you just need to believe in you. Youtry to flatten your curve, just keep climbing. And remember, people don't need to believe in you. You just need to believe in yourself. And the sky is the limit, but not too high, because UV light is bad for me. Congratulations, class of 2020. Rock on. You guys are on flea.

I will see out there. That was something. Let's talk about face masks. They're keeping us healthy and letting us pretend we're all the shredder. I'll get you, Ninja Turtles. Most people have gotten the message that even simple masks can slow the spread of coronavirus. In fact, in the US, a nice 69% of Americans are saying they now wear masks when they leave the house. But now, there's some new research that confirms just how effective a mask can actually be. And one of the best ways to protect yourself and others from

getting COVID-19 is to wear a mask. A new study out of Hong Kong shows coronavirus transmission rates dropped by 75% when surgical masks are used. Researchers used hamsters. Masks draped over the cages of infected hamsters dropped infection to 17%. Hamsters who still got infected despite having a mask barrier had less of the virus in their bodies compared to hamsters without masks. Yeah. According to this eye-opening and frankly, adorable the stea-dir bodies compared to hamsters without masks.

Yeah, according to this eye-opening and frankly adorable study, masks drop transmission rates of the coronavirus by 75%. And while this is a great study for public health, I think it's a huge missed opportunity for those scientists. I mean, why would you drape masks over the cage when you could have put tiny masks on the hamsters? I mean, that is Instagram gold. You know, for a bunch of virologists, you guys don't know shit about going viral. Am I right? No one's here.

So, clearly, wearing masks is important. But that doesn't mean that it's easy. I mean, for one thing, unless you plan on butt-chugging all your meals, it really, it, it, it, it, it, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's thiiiiiiiiiiiii, it makes, it makes, it makes thi-it, it makes thi-it, it makes that doesn't mean that it's easy. I mean, for one thing, unless you plan on butt-chugging all your meals, it really makes it impossible to eat or drink. Until now. As health officials are asking the public to wear face masks, a group of friends in Texas just developed a mask that makes it easy to drink through. Cordell had an epiphany when she had to take off her mask to take a sip of water. That's when she came up with the idea for shut your mouth.

The masks include a front zipper that allows people to more easily get a drink while they're out in public. The latest look in protective face masks have people saying, I'll drink to that. That's because it comes with a hole for a straw. An Israeli man created a protective face cover that allows you to eat food without removing your mask. You just squeeze a lever which opens a slot for your mouth so you can eat without removing the mask. What a great invention. Now we can all have lunch and nightmares. I mean nothing gets my appetite going like seeing my friends as ventriloquist dummies. And I'm not going to lie.

I don't know why we needed that one with the zipper. Like that already exists. I've got like three of those masks in my closet right now. Yeah, it's dusk masks. You know when you're like doing the garden and then you want to say something, yeah, I'll be done in 10 minutes. No, even though most Americans are wearing masks, many still refuse. Yeah, and confrontations between maskers and anti-maskers have been going viral. And the latest one, maybe the best yet. You see, a Las Vegas Patriots tried to shame a Costco employee who told him that he needs to wear a mask in the store, and things did not exactly go the way he expected. A Costco employee in Las Vegas is being praised for standing his ground and denying a

customer who refused to put on a mask. Hi everyone, I work for Costco and I'm asking this member to put on a mask because that is our company policy. So either wear the mask and I'm not doing it because I woke up in a free country. Have a great thing. So you're gonna take this car for me. Sir, have a great day. Full of stuff. You are no longer welcome here in our warehouse. You need to leave. Thank you very much.

Here, you put it on. I'll give you my card. He's going to take the card away because he's a fitty little bitch. There he is walking away with all my stuff. There he goes. Because I'm not a fucking sheep. Woo! That Costco employee was not messing around. He was straight up like, sir, if you don't put on a mask, I'm going to have to hand you a free sample of your own ass.

And I truly don't understand this. This man was just being asked to wear a mask while he's in the store. That's not asking a lot. I mean, do you know what I would do for a bulk quantity of toilet paper right now? Do you know who I killed? I mean, who I would kill? And you know, these videos really give you a sense of how differently black and white people view struggle. Black people are turning on their cameras when they think they're about to get shot. White people are turning on their cameras to show the oppression to show to show to show the oppression the oppression to show the oppression the oppression the oppression the oppression the oppression to show the oppression the oppression the oppression the oppression the oppression to show the oppression the oppression the oppression the oppression to show the oppression the oppression to show to show to show to show the oppression to show to show to show the oppression to show to show to show to show to show to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the oppression. the oppression the oppression the oppression to show oppression to show the oppression the oppression to show the oppression the oppression the oppression the oppression the oppression the oppression to show the oppression the oppression the oppression the oppression the oppression the oppression the oppression the oppression to two. Like even if you don't care about getting Corona, this is not about you. Right? Because your decision might affect other people. It's

the same way you could say, I'm not a sheep, I'm free. I don't want a car with brakes. Yeah. But the rest of us don't want your free ass flying through our windshields. Now look, I do think there should be another solution to our mosque debates other than viral shaming. Like, isn't there something else we can do instead of covering our faces? Well, luckily, Leo Deblen has the answer we need. Do you want to go outside? But hate wearing a face? They're hard to put on. They get all up in your eyes, and your breath smells like ass. Well, now, you ain't got a worry about covering your face.

Because Leo is on the case. Introducing the Leo Deblin germ blaster. Strap these suckers to your head and everybody's getting their germs blown back in their face. This works for all airborne illnesses such as as Corona, and even gone a real. Go back to where you came from, Sneeze. Now you might say, but Leo, I already have the Corona. How do I stop my germs from hitting other people? Well, guess what? I got a solution for that, too. Introducing the Leo devil and germ sucker. Strap this baby to your gut, and all your germs get sucked away. Now I don't need to wear a face to to to to to to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze to sneeze from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from from this baby to your gut and all your germs get sucked away.

Now I don't need to wear a face mask to enjoy a quiet walk outside. And if you're asking, is this FDA approved? Let me put it this way. The FDA is too busy to not approve it. The Leo Deblin germ blaster sucker. It ain't but $85. You can get that from your mama. It's a dreamt of a barber thing.

Exit 1.20 by the Fairgrounds. Next to Foot Locker. Wow, Leo, you did it again. A lot of good things have come out about the hydroxy, a lot of good things have come out. I happen to be taking it. I'm taking it, hydroxy toorquin. Right now, yeah. A couple of weeks ago, started taking it. The president said he is taking the drug as a preventative, not because he has tested positive or has any symptoms. Can you explain, sir, though, what is the evidence that it has a preventative effect?

Here we go, you ready? Here's my evidence. I get a lot of positive calls about it. And I say, hey, what do you have to lose? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, th th th th th th tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thu, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi thi thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th th th th thi, th th th th th thi, thi, th thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to teea, thi, thi, thi, thi, th you have to lose? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Are you serious? Trump has been experimenting with hydroxychloroquine? The same drug, the FDA said,

no one should be taking for coronavirus outside of a hospital. That drug, where they were like, look, man, just don't try it. He's trying it. And guys, I'm not going, man. I feel so bad for this guy's Secret Service. Because you have to admit, they have had more on their plate with Trump than with any other president ever before. Can you imagine a day in the Secret Service's life? Keeping my eyes pale, making sure there's no threats.

Everything looks clear. We're all good. Mr. President, what did you eat? What is that in your mouth? Mr. President? Say ah, say ah, say ah, say ah, ah, say ah. Like, at this point, what unhealthy thing isn't Trump doing? He's taking hydrochloroquy. He eats fosfoo every single day, and yet he is still alive. I wouldn't be surprised if one day, we discover an ancient cave-, and right in the middle of all the other cavemen, we find Trump. Fake news, I never toucest that dinosaur. Now, as with anything Trump says, no one knows if he's actually telling the truth about taking hydroxychloroquium. Like, we don't know. Maybe he's just distracting people from the Inspector General story, or from all the

coronavirus deaths, or from the fact that his most trustedtrusted advisor is actually one of those South Korean soccer dolls. We'll never know. But if it is true, it's concerning. Because hydroxychloroquine at best is unproven as a treatment for coronavirus. At worst, at worst, it could make you more likely to have like a heart attack. So Trump is either taking a dangerous, ineffective drug, or he's lying about doing it just for the lulls. Either way, people are worried. People including Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, and world's most famous cat clock. In fact, she went on CNN last night to voice her serious concerns about the president playing doctor on himself.

As far as the president is concerned, he's our president, and I would rather he not be taking something that has not been approved by the scientist, especially in his age group and in his, shall we say, weight group, what is morbidly obese, they say. No, no, no, no, no, no, Nancy. Morbidly obese? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Nancy. Morbidly obese? That is definitely shots fired. And you know what's weird? Is that Pelosi started to say it diplomatically,

and then it looked like she just gave up in the middle. Especially in the president's, shall we say, weight group, he's too fat to live, if you will. And I know Trump is going to be mad about this. But the people who are really going to have a hard time with this, all the White House staffers who have to explain to Trump why Nancy would call him morbidly obese, when he knows he only weighs 210 pounds. I mean, that's the number the bathroom scale has had on it for years. And look man, there's no denying that Trump isn't exactly in shape. But this comment has opened up a can of worms. Like the whole internet.

The whole internet was laughing at him. President Plump was trending on Twitter the whole day. But the truth is, the truth is my friends that mocking the president's weight also makes a lot the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thoe thoe thoe. thoe, the truth is, my friends, that mocking the president's weight also makes a lot of people who aren't Trump feel like shit too. So please, just remember. Trump's not an asshole because of what goes into his mouth. He's an asshole because of what comes out of it. Basically think of it this way. If you weight shame one person, you weight shame everyone. And I, like, I know I also have to keep that in mind the next time I make fun of Eric Trump. Because there's a lot of good people out there

who look like vampires whose dads have blocked their numbers and I need to be more sensitive to that. I'm gonna work on that. But anyway, that's Nancy Pelosi. And as a Democrat, trolling Donald Trump is her constitutional duty. What's more surprising is that Trump's self-medication regimen also raised alarms from some of his biggest fans on Fox News. Why would the president be taking hydroxychlorquin? I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine. I found it to be highly irresponsible for the president to have come out and make that statement. There's no reason to listen to people really who have no medical knowledge whatsoever pontificate about if it's useful or not. Just, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the to the the to the to their their their their also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also to to to their their their also also also also also also also also to to to their also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also also to to their a their a their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. thiii. thiia. thia. thia. thia. thi. their the people really who have no medical knowledge whatsoever pontificate about if it's useful or not. Just listen to

your doctor. If you are in a risky population here and you are taking this as a preventative treatment to ward off the virus or in a worst-case scenario you are dealing with the virus and you are in this vulnerable population, it will kill you. I cannot stress enough. This will kill you. So again, whatever benefits the president says this has, this is a leap that should not be taken casually by those watching at home or assuming,

well, the President of the United States says it's okay. Damn. This is surreal. Fox News condemning Donald Trump. I mean, this is like doing something so bad that your own dog takes off its collar and just walks away and disgust. Man, someone needs to rescue you.

But this is what it's come to. Fox News, telling its viewers that if you listen to the president, you might die. I mean, Trump has basically turned the presidency into an episode of jackass. They're going to throw that warning up before every press conference. And hearing that from his favorite TV channel clearly affected Trump, because last night, he tweeted, Fox News is no longer the same. You have more anti-Trump people by far than ever before,

looking for a new outlet. And if Trump actually goes through with this threat and stops watching Fox, it would be the biggest breakup since, I don't know, Elon Musk and reality. But for people who don't want to see this beautiful relationship end, the good news is, Fox News is trying hard to win the president back. If you're mad about Fox News sometimes pushing back on your administration, then worry no more.

Introducing a bold new Fox News lineup for the President. From 6 to 9 a.m. start your morning off with Sean Hannity. President has been right, we've been right. Then from 9 a.m. to noon, your workday begins with Sean Hannity. New York would be dead without Donald Trump's help, period. At noon, get in your workout with Sean Hannity's Katae hour. At 3 p.m. Sean goes to the bathroom.

So for five minutes, we've got Judge Janine. All the talk about coronavirus being so much more deadly doesn't reflect reality. Then it's back to Sean Hannity. At 5 p.m. check out in All New The Five, starring five Sean Hannity's. Just a few short words. President Trump is winning. Then from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. Sean begs for sleep. But guess who's not going to get it? Sean Hannity.

Even the New York Toilet Paper Times figured out that that dirty dossier that... Fox News, all new, all Hannity, all for Trump. Thank you, Mr. President. Hmm. I feel like it could use a little more Hannity. Teachers, they're the people who educate us, guide us, and force us to mutilate the bodies of innocent frogs. And while teachers have always had a difficult job, coronavirus has made things harder than ever.

The challenges of remote learning taking their toll on teachers. Teachers are feeling overwhelmed. They are being asked to do things that they've never done in their professional careers before. Converting their homes into virtual learning centers from Google Docs to video chats. Hours going down a rabbit hole of learning how to plan lessons, how to put these lessons online. It's a whole different ball game, keeping these kids engaged

when you can't actually see their face. It's very, very challenging, I think, for educators, because it's difficult to tell if students are really paying attention. We can only get the kids attention span for 30 to 45 minutes. After 45 minutes they're kind of just like Dunzo and looking to do something else, you know, watch YouTube or something. Man, that sucks. Imagine pouring your hearts into something and people are looking at their phones in the middle of it. Kind of like what you guys are doing right now. Yeah I see you when you look at your phone during the show breaks my heart. Although, considering that half the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they's their they're they're they're their they're they're they're kind they're kind they're kind they're kind th. th. they're kind they're just they're just they're just they're just they're just they's they they're just they they're just they's they's they're just they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's th. th. th. they's kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi. thi. the. the. the. the. thi. thi. the. thi. thi. thi. they're kind they you look at your phone during the show, it breaks my heart.

Although, considering that half the economy is now YouTube-based, is it such a bad thing if these kids are more into YouTube than school? I mean, I can show you plenty of YouTube millionaires, but I can't find many knows what time, two trains pass each other millionaires. But maybe if kids just want just ths ththen teachers should just make their lessons more YouTubey. Like, turn them into makeup tutorials or something. Okay, class. So I'm going to just put a little foundation here, just like the colonists at Roanoke established a foundation in the Americas. And really,

I'm not sure this is much different than what happens during regular school. Because even when students are sitting right in front of you, they are probably thinking of YouTube videos anyway. Now the war of 1812 was fought between the United States and the United Kingdom from June. But here's what's amazing about teachers. Not only are they not giving up, but many of them are actually stepping up their game to help meet these new challenges. Welcome to my African Savannah. Mrs. Andrea Anderson doesn't normally dress up in a lying costume and stand in front of a green screen, but very little is normal these days. The math teacher at Bronx Theater School, spicing up his online lessons with impersonations.

Negative numbers, go down, go down. Post bullar! This Clinton High School teacher is taking her lesson plans. To her students, Tick-Tuck, starting with the basic equations. Hello, we're twins. Adding a little music. An eighth grade teacher is proving he'll do anything to support his students. Richard Fisher promises to do one crazy thing a week if his students complete all their assignments. So far, he's kissed a pig and he's even eaten some bugs. Wow! This teacher turned school into an episode of fear factor

just to get his students to do their homework, which is incredible. But I'm worried it's setting unrealistic expectations for when these students join the workforce. Craig, I'm going to need that inventory report by tomorrow morning. Well then I'm going to need you to eat this crayon, bitch. So, teachers are doing the best they can using video chat. But good educators know that some things just can't be transmitted through a screen. When the coronavirus put the breaks on the school year, Pat Nagel came up with an idea.

He hops on his bike and pops in for a pop quiz. I'm here for your final pop exam. Most days Patrick Murtaugh can be found teaching health and phys ed inside Riegel Road public school. These days he can be found taking to his bike and visiting students in front of their houses for a social distance dance party. The senior class at Wiley High in Texas can't go to school, but Principal Verdi Montgomery quickly realized he could go to them. Montgomery hit the road and over 12 days visited every senior, 612 of them from 6 feet

away. He gave each a candy bar telling them one day we'll look back at this and snicker. I delivered that joke in early 600 times so it's pretty lame. Oh man, this is the most heartwarming story I've ever seen about a grown man handing candy out to underage children. And it's great that these educators are making the effort to go door to door and reverse Halloween their students. At the same time it's going to be kind their students. At the same time, it's going to be kind of shocking for these kids because it's so jarring when you run into your teachers outside of school. Mr. Donaldson, what are you doing at the mall? And why are you holding that lady's hand? And where's your blackboard? Are you living like a secret

life? But look, if we didn't know it already, it's clear now that teachers are some of the most hardworking and underappreciated people in our communities. And I, for one, think that they could use a break. Now, in normal times, if a teacher needs a day off, the school brings in a substitute. But what happens in virtual learning times? Well, we found a service that can help them out. Are you burnt out from teaching virtually? Have you created your own Google Hangout just so you'll have a place to cry? Do you find yourself daydreaming about summer vacation even though you won't be able

to go anywhere? Then try, Zoomstitute, the first ever substitute teaching service designed exclusively for Zoom. Zoomstitute has every type of substitute teacher you'd find in real life, such as, the inspirational inner city substitute. You want to know what they see? They see a bunch of kids playing Fortnite on the Nintendo's. But you want to know what I see?

I see a bunch of future Dr. Fauci's. Well, except for you, Kevin, you probably a Dr. Oz at best. The running 30 minutes late substitute. Huh. Hey guys, sorry I'm late. Okay, that's all for today. The too much information substitute. So then I said, Marvin, how are you going to hook up with my sister on Easter?

Hmm. Dressed like an Easter bunny? You know what? How about I shove a basket up your ass? How about that for a resurrection day? The stuck in the past, substitute. State semifinals, 2005. I was up a set, 4-0 and 40 love, and then it happened. I got a foot cramp. Ah! Damn it! Damn it, I should have won!

Anyway, so that's a rhombus. The substitute who's on his phone the whole time. Everyone, we today are going to be... The homework was aside. Should we be doing something right now? Should we be doing something right now? Yeah, you should. And of course, the acting too young for her age substitute. Nice one. Epic! Definitely putting that on my Tick-Tock.

Now you guys aren't supposed to follow teachers, but I won't tell if you don't. All of our subs are available and ready to zoom at a moment's notice. Zoom Institute. Because you can all have them for weeks. Oh, uh? Before we go, the COVID pandemic has taken a serious toll on many people's mental health. And here in the United States, the disaster distress helpline is trying to address this crisis.

They've got counselors who are trained to meet to meet to meet to meet to meet to meet to meet to meet the address this crisis. They've got counselors who are trained to meet the mental health needs of this unique situation and if you're able to and you'd like to help, then please donate whatever you can. No amount is too small. And if you'd like to support New Yorkers in Crisis, then you can donate to NY Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show.com. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it.

This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th,

wherever you get your podcasts.