The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Leslie Jones Takes On George Santos | Alexis McGill Johnson

Episode Date: January 19, 2023

Leslie Jones covers the latest news, including George Santos stealing from a disabled veterans dying dog, the University of Texas banning TikTok, TSA confiscating a record number of mostly loaded guns, and the U.S. suffering from an egg shortage. President and CEO of Planned Parenthood Alexis McGill Johnson discusses the impact the Dobbs decision has had on reproductive rights, shares the number of healthcare services Planned Parenthood provides beyond abortion care, and why men may be the fastest growing users of Planned Parenthood.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. From New York City, the only city in America. It's the show that invented news. This is The Daily Show with. I'm Leslie Jones. That's right. Hey. What's going on? It's a funny. Yeah.

Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Leslie Jones. That's right. Then let me come back for another night. Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Leslie Jones. That's right, then let me come back for another night. So let's go. All right. You guys on Tick-Tock, right?

All right. Um, you guys on Tick-Tock, right? Well, I got bad news, because if you on tick-tock you've got to drop out of college because universities across the country are banning Tick-Tock from school Wi-Fi because they're worried that China might be spying on them. Yeah and you know what good! Get these kids off tick-to-to-talk. I'm tired of seeing little Ashley's amazing hat for how to flip grill cheese in a pan.

You don't think I know how to flip a pan, bitch? Or make grill cheese? I've been flipping pans and making grilled cheese since before you were bored. So don't talk to me like I'm stupid. You're stupid. Stupid 24-year-old with your dewy fucking skin. F. You ain't your youth. Okay, well, okay, I think I got off subject. I'm sorry. Next up. The okay, I think I got off the subject. I'm sorry. Next up, the TSA announced that they seized record numbers of guns at airport checkpoints last year. And let me tell you something, if I'm bringing a gun through checkpoint,

you ain't taking it from me. Because I got a gun. But honestly, I think this makes it more interesting for TSA people because you know they get bored and they're probably happy when they actually find a gun. You know. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo.

Two Dildo's. Oh. Oh, an AK? We got an AK! It's happening, the DILDO! We got an AK! It's happening, guys. Confiscate that gun!

Yeah, and get the Dildo, too. I think he's a deal though. Who are you a nasty terrorist? You're a nasty terrorist. Y'all know who George Santos is, right? With his creepy ass. Woom. Moving on. Y'all know who George Santos is, right? Oh, that With his creepy ass.

If y'all don't know who he is, he's the new Republican congressman who we found out, lied about his entire life. He made up a whole career as a businessman. He made up that his family was Jewish and his mom was a victim of 9-11. Ew. Ew. Do you know how much you have to lie to be known as the lying congressman?

I mean, all these motherf-hawkers do is lie all day. But when you ask them, who is the liar,hackers do is lie all day. But when you ask them, who is the liar? They're like, this guy. Wait till you hear about this shit he did. Representative George Santos has allegedly stolen $3,000 in donations from a disabled homeless veterans dying service dog. Santos allegedly used an alias to con the veteran and set up a Go Fun Me page that would be deleted as soon as it hit its goal. I mean, I mean, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I mean, I th. I mean, I th. I mean, I th. I mean, I th. I th. I mean, I th. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I th. I the the th. I th. I th. I th. I th, th, th, th, th, th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. Santos allegedly used an alias to con the veteran and set up a go fund me page that would be deleted as soon as it hit its goal and then Santos disappeared altogether.

Exactly. So you're telling me this man didn't steal $3,000 from a dog. He didn't just steal steal $3,000 from a dog. He didn't just steal from a service dog. He didn't just steal from a dying service dog. He stole from a disabled homeless, veterans dying service dog? Oh my God! You evil and stupid! Oh my God! You evil and stupid. You're gonna mess with somebody's dog? Have you not heard of John Wick?

Your ass is in trouble. Trouble up! Mess with no veterans dog? You know it's so crazy? this guy is so evil. I wonder if they put him in there on purpose so I can't pay attention to the other evil people. Anybody got any eyes on Marjorie Taylor Green? What's up with that bitch? What is that bitch? She probably got Garfield tied up in her office. I'm serious. Like, what does this man have to do to get thrown out of Congress? He's a fucking liar. Black people don't get believed when they actually tell the truth.

Barack Obama was like, hey, I was born in America and people were like, bullshit, where's the birth certificate? And this guy was like, I was a millionaire Jewish volleyball star. And y'all like, hell yeah, put them in Congress. I'm sick of y'all been eating breakfast lately. But breakfast is in trouble, son. The latest economic numbers show inflation is slowing down, but not for people who buy eggs. The average price for a dozen of eggs has more than doubled over the past year.

Shortages around the country are hurting producers and putting more stress on consumers and businesses. Why is there a shortage right now? What's going on? Well, I'm sure you heard there is a birdfew there there there there is a bird there is a bird there is a bird there is a bird there is a bird the bird the bird the bird the bird the bird their their their their their their food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food food. there. there. there. there. there is a there there is a there is a there. there is a there is a there is a there is a there is a there is a there is a the country are hurting producers and putting more stress on consumers and businesses. Why is there a shortage right now? What's going on? Well, I'm sure you heard. There is a bird flu in the Midwest. At Eggtuck, a breakfast spot in Los Angeles that goes through up to 6,000 eggs a week, costs have quadrupled and they're feeling it. All of our forces are made with eggs. Meanwhile, the line of cars is about 30 minutes long at Billy's egg farm in Southern California, and workers are scrambling to meet demand. Bitch, why you buying so many eggs?

But yeah, there's an egg shortage right now because a ton of chickens got bird flu, which isn't surprising, you know, because chickens are freaky little disgusting creatures. And God, how I love to eat what they shit out they bird pussies. Early in the morning. I got the same bird pussy's on air. I love it. I love it. But this is serious now. This is serious because people need eggs so badly.

I love it. But this is serious now, this is serious, because people need eggs so badly, I think the chickens are going to start getting real cocky. What's up, bitch? You want these eggs? What you going to do for me? What's up, bitch? You want these eggs? What you going to do for me? I'm gonna tell you what I want. I want a new barn. I want an assistant. I want a fly business class and an extra large

flat screen and a PS5. And one more thing. sell Sally to Popeyes. Bye bitch. All right. All right. For more on this egg story, let's now go to a man who deserves to be knee-deep in chicken shit. All right. All right. Let's now go to a man who deserves to be knee deep in chicken shit. Y'all give it up for Michael Costa.

Okay, yeah. Hi Leslie, it's great to see you again. No, it ain't. Okay, I see. Just so everybody knows, Leslie and I have a bit of history, but don't worry, we're gonna be totally professional. I ain't about to be shit. I ain't gonna be professional or nothing. You should have been professional

when you was dating my home girl. Okay, Leslie, love is complicated and I'd rather not share the details of such a private matter, okay? But ultimately, relationships do end. So, now, the eggs. Don't try to weasel yourself out of this. Don't do that. Leslie, I don't know what she told you, but she cheated on me three times. Oh, and that's the reason not to call her back?

Be a man, not chicken shit, cop. Okay. Okay. All right. So, now, the egg shortage. It's actually the result of the avian bird flu. And that that- I that-I I I I I I I I I I I that-I I the egg shortage. It's actually the result of the avian bird flu. And that- I don't give a f-b-b-a'f-bou about that. What you did was wrong, Costa.

Leslie, you don't know this, but she gave me Clamidia. Yeah, I do know that. And people have done worse, Costa. It's curable, okay? Just get you some penicent, the shit that gets rid of that shit. Okay, and move on with the romance. Don't be ghosting my girl, that ain't cool.

Okay, let's just talk about the eggs, okay? Because as I was saying, the shortage is severe, but if you look closely, you'll find that it's not all it's cracked up to be. You're so fucking corny costume. You know she was going to break up with you because you're a coiny mother-fooke, right? You know that, right? Look, I'm trying to be a good sport here. I came all the way out here to this farm that you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you th. You th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi' thi. thi. thi' thi'-I'-I'-I'-I'-I'-I's th th th thi. the the the the the the the thi-I's thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. the the th. thi. the thi. the thi. the thi. te. te. tote. tote. tote. tote. tote. tote. tote. the the the the thea'''''a'a' the thi, look, I'm trying to be a good sport here. I came all the way out here to this farm that you sent me to. I got feathers all over my suit. It stinks. You know what? I'll tell you what stinks.

My girl had to go to therapy after you. Yeah, because she has multiple personality disorders. Yeah, that's what we loved about her. She her. She she. one. Be a real fucking man and 10 bitches cost them. Okay. I handle it the best I could. I don't know why you care about this so much. Why don't we talk about it off air if you're so upset? Can we just focus on the news? Yeah, I'm talking to his bitch ass right. Looking at those lying eyes of him. Mm-hmm. He ain't shit. Mm-hmm. You know what? That's right. I'm gonna bring that up.

I'm bringing that up. Okay, hold on. You know what? You know what, Costa? You know what? You didn't even visit her the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho tho tho tho tho tho that that, tho tho tho tho tho' tho' tho' th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. th looking at th looking at th looking at th looking at th looking at th looking at th. th looking th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. th. thi thi. thi. thi. to thi. to to thi to to thi to thi thi. thi thi. thi. thi thi. thi thi. thi. th stabbed your ass. That's fucked up. That's fucked. Leslie, for the last time, you know, what do you want from me? I want you to say you sorry. I want you to apologize to my home girl. Okay. All right. Okay. Leslie, from the bottom of my heart. Man, fuck you. You ain't got no daring heart. Man, fuck you, you ain't got no damn heart. I'm gonna hear that shit. And I hope a chicken shit's in your shoes.

Y'all give it up for Michael Costa. All right. When we come back, Roy Wood Jr. visits the Daily Show. Have you ever wondered what happens when a championship team visits the White House? Well, so did Roy Wood Jr. Let's go check it out. Have you ever wondered what happens when a championship team visits the White House? Well, so did Roy Wood Jr. Let's go check it out. In American Pro Sports, if your team wins the championship, you get to go to the White House, enjoy a five-star meal and hand the President of Jersey he'll never wear.

I got to attend this year's event with the Golden State Warriors to celebrate their NBA championship. Something they didn't get to do the last two times they won. Let me just say that the Golden State Warriors are always welcome in this White House. Always. To find out why, I asked the man, 46 himself. How you doing, Mr. President. Now, quick question, Mr. President. The Warriors won in 2017 and 2018. Why didn't they come to the White House those other times? Well, you have to ask the other guy, but he didn't work here anymore.

New boss, new rules. All right, well, thank you. Well, Mr. Resolve, time to talk to some basketball players. Why are athletes invited to the White House? Sports in general brings so many people together. I think basketball especially, like we're very very, their, their, their, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, our platform to change the game in a way that will be bigger than basketball. And I think this is a great moment to reflect on all of that. Do you think it's fair that only the Warriors were invited and not the other 29 teams that y'all would?

Hell no. It's about us. It's about us. Everybody was included in the 82 games, but that's where the inclusion stops. Do you think events like this where teams are invited to the White House, create opportunities for conversation about real issues? They actually do. I actually took part in a panel before our ceremony with the president and the vice president, on gun safety and gun violence issues. We get to, you know, go see the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president the president.... the president. the president. the president. the president. the the. the. the. the. I. I. I, thi. I, thi. I. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the the the the the to, the to, to, thi. to, thi. to, to. t. te. te. tea. tea. tea. te. te. te. te. te. te. tea. tea. te. te and gun violence issues. We get to, you know, go see the president, see the White House,

but also actually kind of take part in some real discussions. What is one rule that you would have the president change in the NBA? One rule, no text. That's an easy one for me, no technical files. No, you can't. Three ts? No. Why, why three? Three?

Three, full text. It's a person deciding that you deserve a tech because they didn't like something you did. You're right. Better crib, your crib or the White House? My crib, I like my crib better. A crib got a kitchen I got access to. I don't you know you you you you youto keep the food at over here. I know. I'm saying. You got all these people who I'm so hungry, dog. Where are they? The chefs are fine. I just want a snack machine.

That's all I'm saying. The Biden-Harris administration understands the challenge that higher education has been for so many people across the country. So 40 million people are eligible in our opinion for debt relief. We're working on loan forgiveness. We're forgiven over 48 billion dollars with a B to make sure that people have access to higher education and we're not stopping. Secretary of Education, you know the people that be forgiven the loans. Okay, okay. Can you take care of my student ha ha ha ha. I guess players showing up to the White House does help draw attention to the important issues. But how are we going to elevate these cabinet members to sport start? Roybal Jr. Daily Show.

When championship teams visit the White House, the President gets a jersey but no one else. Are you jealous? No, I'm not jealous. Of course the President gets a jersey. Well, you know what? I made you a jersey. It's for you. Oh wow. That's something. Where'd you get it from? Oh, my cousin stole it. He worked at a t-shirt shop.

Well, thank you. I appreciate it, Roy. They loved my jersey idea. You know, I have an eight-year-old who can do that, too. So I gave out some more. Then started hooping with meet the coach, Chair. You too. Hey, I used to play Rec League if you need another two guard. Just let me know.

Yeah, hold on. Do you have a card? I'll just call you. I'll be taking up with general media now. Then we're going to call. Thank you Roy. All right, stay tuned, because when we come back, I'll be talking to the president of the planned camera.

So don't go away. We're coming back. Welcome back to the Daily Show. Every year, more than 600 Planned Parenthood health centers nationwide provide health care services to millions of patients. Every year, more than 600 Planned Parenthood health centers nationwide provide health care services to millions of patients. My guest tonight is the president and the CEO of the Planned Parenthood. Please welcome Alexis McGill Johnson!

Oh! Oh! Johnson! What is the son? Are you doing, baby? Oh, God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, yeah. What? What?

You know what? I'm so glad. I'm so glad they saw how good you look. They think all of us look crazy and want to be fighting for it, you know? Let me tell you how important, how important Planned Parenthood is to me. It's just one of the most important important important important important important important important important important important important important important things things things things important important things things things things things things things things things things things things things things things things things things things things things to to to things things to to be to be to be to be to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to be things things things things things things things things things things things, how important Planned Parenthood is to me. It's just one of the most important things in my life. You know, I'd have my parents in 17 and 8th.

I have my mom, and Planned Parenthood taught me everything. And that's real talk. And I'm pretty sure that you guys have done that for a lot of girls. So if you listen to the people on the right right right right right right, the people Parenthood is an abortion factory, like, you know, that's like back-to-back abortions with a side of fries, you know what I'm saying? What I want to get clear here today is what are the actual services of Planned Parenthood. Well, thank you, Leslie, for Planned Parenthood has been for you, because that has been the story for so many people in their lives. Planned Parenthood really represents reproductive freedom.

We sell freedom and agency. It means that when you walk into a Planned Parenthood health center, you may be coming for, birth control, STI testing, cervical cancer screenings, gender affirming care. And yes, we proudly provide abortion because that is also part of health care. That is the work that we do. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm talking about. Yes.

Yes. Yes. And I don't think people realize that men can go to Planned Parenthood for services too, and they should. I think when men hear Parenthood, they just start running. Tell me the services that you provide for people with penises. Yes, men are like one of the facets growing demographics that Planned Parenthood. They come for the same set of services. They come to get access to condoms. They come to get access to SDI they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they should they they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they should they s. They should they s. They s. They s. They s. They s. They s. They s. They s. They s. They s. They s. They s. They s. They s. They s. They s. They s. They s. They sse. They sse. They sce. They sce. They sce. They should they should they should. They should. They should. They should. They should. They should. They should. They should. They should. They should. They s. They should. They should. They s. They s. They s. They s. They s. They s. Theyanned Parenthood. They come for the same set of services. They come to get access to condoms.

They come to get access to SDI screenings. They come for vasectomies increasingly after the Dobbs decision, right? They are coming in. Okay. I don't know. I mean, I mean, I mean, maybe we need to have a better market like we treat the meat you know I'm saying you know what I'm saying? Planned Parenthood presents the dick fixers you

know what I'm saying? We do that too. But like do you think men are embarrassed about what they need to come in for because let me tellell you something, men, it's important that men get checked out. Their sexual health affects their wives, partners, and girlfriends, too. Roe versus Wade was overturning sex seven months ago, and it's important for men. to come in also. Tell them, please how important it is. It is so critical. I mean, first of all, stigma around sexual reproductive health care affects everybody, so it does affect men. They may not talk about it, but they are certainly coming to Planned Parenthood to get it checked out, right? I mean, you know, they see something, they need to say something.

They need to come in and make sure. Exactly. You see something, say something. But they are really being affected by the Stobbs decision, right? Because, you know, I mean, on the other side of every single abortion, every choice that someone makes to not continue a pregnancy, we are also seeing the impact on miscarriage management, we're also seeing the impact on their wives, on their daughters, on their sisters, on their workers, on their co-workers, and so men, I would say actually are showing up in a much stronger way. There's a lot of them out there freestyling because they still don't know how our bodies work,

how our periods work, how our pregnancies work. But there are a lot of men who are showing up, and I think it is really important to give them the energy to continue to do that. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. How do we, how do we come back that, like this thing about our rights and everything,

how we keep, how we keep these moth-fixs out of pussy? Well, well, I mean, first of all, I mean, we have to be clear that the Supreme Court made a decision, but the Supreme Court doesn't get the last word, we do. Yes. Yes. And we are going to need to fight state by state because they are coming for birth control. They are coming for IVF. They are coming.

They're trying to, they're literally trying to bankrupt us in Texas, right? Planned Parenthood in Texas. They are trying everything they can to stop people from getting access to care. But what we have in, you know, people like people like th like to to to to to to to to to to be to be to be their to be to be to be to be their their to be their to care. But what we have and you know people like you who are just you know passionate about freedom, passion about justice is an opportunity to really be a leader and a volunteer. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Now, you know you shouldn't give me no damn bullhorn. I'm gonna be out there on the streets going, hey women, hey women, are you leaking? Come to Planned Parenthood so we can do some peeking. You know what I'm saying?

Hey guys, come in quick so we can fix your day. You know? Yes! Yes! All right, we're going to take a quick break. But we'll be right back at the th! Get on! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! All right, we've got to take a quick break, but we'll be right back at the time! Yes! Well, that's our show for tonight, but before we go, Planned Parenthood is an irreplaceable

part of this country's health care system. For many people, it's their only source of health care. If you can support them in their work, please donate at the link below.