The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Leslie Jones Takes On George Santos & The Campus TikTok Ban

Episode Date: January 21, 2023

Leslie Jones covers the latest news, including George Santos stealing from a disabled veteran’s dying dog, universities banning TikTok, TSA confiscating a record number of guns, and the U.S. suffering from an egg shortage.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. You guys on Tick Tock, right? Well, I got bad news, because if you're on Tick Tock, you've got to drop out of college. Because universities across the country are banning Tick Tock from school, Wi-Fi, because they're worried that China might be spying on them. Yeah. And you know what? Good. Get these kids off Tick Tock. I'm tired of seeing little Ashley's amazing hat for how to flip grilled cheese in a pan, bitch? Or make grilled cheese?

I've been flipping pans and making grilled cheese since before you were bored. So don't talk to me like I'm stupid. You're stupid. Stupid 24-year-old with your dewy fucking skin. F. You and your youth. Okay, well, okay, I think I got off the subject. I'm sorry. Next up, the TSA announced that they seized record numbers of guns at airport checkpoints last year. And let me tell you something.

If I'm bringing a gun through checkpoint, you ain't taking it from me. Because I got a gun! But honestly I think this makes it more interesting for TSA people because you know they get bored and they're probably happy when they actually find a gun. You know. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo.

Two Dildos. Oh. Oh. Oh, a AK. We got an AK! It's happening, guys, it's happening, it's happening. Confiscate that gun!

Yes, and get the deal though, too. I think he's a deal to. Ooh, you are nasty terrorists. Moving on, y'all know who George Santos is, right? With his creepy ass. If y'all don't know who he is, he's the new Republican congressman who we found out, lied about his entire life. He made up a whole career as a businessman.

He made up that his family was Jewish and his mom was a victim of 9-11. Ew. Ew. Do you know how much you have to lie to be known as the lying congressman? I mean, all these motherfa's do is lie all day. But when you ask them, who is the liar? They're like, this guy. Wait till you hear about this shit he did. The representative George Santos has allegedly sold $3,000 in donations from a disabled

homeless veterans dying service dog. Santos allegedly used an alias to con the veteran and set up a go fund me page that would be deleted as soon as it hit its goal and then Santos disappeared altogether. Exactly. So, so you're telling me this man didn't steal $3,000 from a dog. He didn't just steal from a service dog. He didn't just steal from a dying service dog. He stole from a disabled homeless veterans dying service dog. homeless, veterans, dying, service, dog? Oh my God!

You evil and stupid. You're gonna mess with somebody's dog? Have you not heard of John Wick? Your ass is in trouble? Trouble! You mess with no veterans, dog. You know it's so crazy? This guy is so evil.

I wonder if they put him in there on purpose so I can't pay attention to the other evil people. Anybody got any eyes on Marjorie Taylor Green? What's up with that bitch? What is that bitch up to? She probably got Garfield tied up in her office. I'm serious. Like, what does this man have to do to get thrown out of Congress?

He's a fucking liar. Black people don't get believed when they actually tell the truth. Barack Obama was like, hey, I was born in America. And this guy was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, Iuth. Barack Obama was like, hey, I was born in America, and people were like, bullshit, where's the birth certificate? And this guy was like, I was a millionaire Jewish volleyball star. And y'all like, hell yeah, put them in Congress. I'm sick of y'all shit. And finally, I don't know if y'all been eating breakfast lately. But breakfast is in trouble, son. The latest economic number show inflation is slowing down, but not for people who buy eggs.

The average price for a dozen of eggs has more than doubled over the past year. Shortages around the country are hurting producers and putting more stress on consumers and businesses. Why is there a shortage right now? What's going on? Well, I'm sure you heard. There is a bird flu in the Midwest. At egg tuck, a breakfast spot in Los Angeles that goes through up to 6,000 eggs. Costs have quadrupled, and they're feeling it. All of our courses are maimed with eggs. Meanwhile, the line of cars is about 30 minutes long at Billy's egg farm in Southern California, and workers are scrambling to meet demand. Wait a minute. Who? Bitch, why you buying so many eggs?

But yeah, there's an egg shortage right now because a ton of chickens got bird flu, which isn't surprising, you know? Because chickens are freaky little disgusting creatures. And God, how I love to eat what they shit out they bird pussies early in the morning. I got the same bird pussies on air. I got the same bird pussies on air! I love it. I love it. But this is serious now, this is serious, because people need eggs so badly.

I think the chickens are going to start getting real cocky. What's up, bitch? You want these eggs? What you gonna do for me? I'm gonna tell you what I want. I want a newborn. I want an assistant. I want a fly business class. And an extra large flat screen and a PS5.

And one more thing. Sell Sally to Popeyes. Bye, bitch. All right. All right. For more on this egg story, let's now go to a man who deserves to be knee-deep in chicken shit. Y'all give it up for Michael Costa. Okay, yeah. Hi Leslie, it's great to see you again. No, it ain't. Okay, I see. Just so everybody knows.

Leslie and I have a bit of history, but don't worry, we're going to be totally professional. I ain't about to be shit. I ain't gonna be professional or nothing. You should have been professional when you was dating my home girl. Okay, Leslie, Leslie, love is complicated and I'd rather not share the details of such a private matter, okay? But ultimately, relationships do end. So, now, the eggs. Don't try to weasel yourself out of this.

Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Lizzy, I don't know what she told you, but she cheated on me three times. Oh, and that's the reason not to call her back. Man, not chicken shit. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. So, now, the egg shortage.

It's actually the result of the avian bird flu. And that- I don't give a f-fix about that. Okay. What you did was wrong, Costa. Leslie, you don't know this, but she gave me Climidia. Yeah, I do know that. And people have done worse, Costa.

It's curable, okay? Just get you some pen and center. Pillar's, put us. The shit that gets rid of that shit. Okay. And move on with the romance. Don't be ghosting my girl, that ain't cool. Okay, let's just talk about the eggs, okay?

Because as I was saying, the shortage is severe, but if you look closely, you'll find that it's not all it's cracked up to be. You're so fucking corny custom. You know she was gonna break up with you because you're a corny motherf-a-failright? You know that, right? Look, I'm trying to be a good sport here. I came all the way out here to this farm that you sent me to. I got feathers all over my suit. It stinks. You know what? You know what I'll tell you was thinks. My girl had to go to therapy after you. Yeah. Yeah. the the. Yeah, that's what we loved about her. She's like 10 friends and one. Be a real fucking man and f-10 bitches costume. Okay.

I handle it the best I could. I don't know why you care about this so much. Why don't we talk about it off air if you're so upset? Can we just focus on the news? Yeah, I'm talking to his bitch ass right there. Looking at those lying eyes of him. Mm-hmm. He ain't shit. Mm-hmm.

You know what? That's right. . You know what, Costa? You're tha, even visit her in the lockup after she stabbed your ass. That's fucked up. That's f- Leslie, for the last time, you know, what do you want from me? I want you to say you sorry. I want you to apologize to my home girl. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. th. th. to. th. Leslie. Leslie. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to. to. to. to. th. th. th. th. th. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. the. the. the. th. the. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. th the. th th the. th the. th the., from the bottom of my heart. Man, fuck you, you ain't got no darn heart. You gonna hear that shit. And I hope a chicken shit's in your shoes.

Y'all give it up for Michael Costa. Explore more shows from the Daily Show from the Daily Show by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.