The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Long Story Short: Investing In After-School Programs

Episode Date: March 11, 2023

Kids in after-school programs are less likely to drink, do drugs, or join a gang. So why is the government barely funding these programs? Marlon Wayans tackles the topic in the latest edition of Long Story Short.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. The first benefit of after school programs should be obvious. They give kids a place to go after school. It's right there in the name. Come on, keep up stupid. It's true. Kids need to stay busy, especially teens. If they don't have something to do, they're going to find something to do. That's why juvenile crime peaks between two and six every day. But kids in after school programs programs, to to to to to school programs programs programs programs programs programs programs programs programs programs programs programs, to to to to to to to to to to to school programs, to to to to do. That's why juvenile crime peaks between two and six every day. But kids in after-school programs are less likely to drink, do drugs, or join a gang.

Because kids get tired pretty quickly. They only got enough energy for either a carjacking or a dance recital. You can't do both. You can't do both. Kids aren't the only one who benefit because for every dollar spent on an after-school program, the state gets nearly $7 back in potential benefits thanks to lower teenage pregnancy, substance abuse and crime. Now, that doesn't mean that every kid in the after-school program is never going to

commit a crime, but if a kid stays off the streets and makes it to college, then someday he can commit a white-collar crime. That's the dream! But the impact goes far beyond keeping kids busy. They also help kids succeed in school. After school programs are linked to higher grades, attendance, and graduation rates. The only thing better than that is bribing your kids' teacher. Take it from me, that shit could get expensive.

Sean. They also expose kids to new interests, music, art, language. There's no limit to the ways after-school programs can broaden your horizons. And I mean, no limit. Parents in Southeast Virginia voicing outrage over a proposal to add an after-school Satan club to a local public elementary school that teaches pre-K through second grade. The national director for the Satan Club defended the idea. We don't try to indoctrinate them into Satanism.

We just want to offer a place that's, you know, fun, exciting, free from any sort of threats of eternal damnation. How come that bitch didn't blink? Yes, they even have a Satanism club. You know there's some parents were like, oh my God, that's horrible. But is it free though? So it's clear that after school who are like, oh my God, that's horrible. But is it free though? So it's clear that after-school programs are hugely beneficial. The problem is they just don't get a lot of money. The federal government is barely funding these programs, and state governments aren't doing much better.

But it is possible because California did it. In fact, for the past 20 years, California has outspent all the other 49 states combined on after-school programs, which is messed up because California actually has shit-to-do after school. I mean, seriously, I compare that to South Dakota. Ain't shit-to-do in South Dakota. Kids can only look at Mount Rushmore for so long before they're like, aye. It's time to do some mess. But the reason California's

spent so much on after-school programs is thanks to the work of one very kind dedicated kindergarten teacher. In 2002, Arnold Schwarzenegger was almost single-handedly responsible for California's passage of Prop 49, which made after-school funding mandatory. Even today, the former governor raises money for after-school programs with fun charity events, like crushing things with his tank. I'm inviting you personally to to Los Angeles and to crush things in my tank with me. Let's crush a taxi cat. Let's crush a piano. This will benefit the afterschool all-stars.

So what are you waiting for? Let's go around and crush things with that tank. Who knew that big buff mother's flip love kids? Ah, say the children. We gotta get more celebrities to turn their obsessions into charity. Tom Cruise, start jumping out of airplanes to save baby seals. Snoop Dog, smoke weed for Global Warming Baby? Leonardo DiCaprio.

Well, if you've seen his girlfriend, please let me in your parties. Now, as awesome as this is, our after-school program shouldn't depend on whether anyone wants to hang out with Arnold Schwarzenegger. We need to find a more reliable way to fund these programs because they're important to underprivileged kids. And I know what I'm talking about because after-school programs was important to me. That's why I'm talking about this shit. I grew up in the projects in New York City and there was 10 of us in our household, 10 Wayans kids. And thanks God, we had after school programs. It exposed us to the arts the arts the arts the arts, the arts, the arts, the arts, the arts, their, their, their, their, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, and, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, thii, and, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thin, their, to, their, their, toe. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi. And, thianks God, we had after-school programs. It exposed us to the arts. Imagine if all that energy and work ethic was directed towards slinging drugs.

I'm not saying we'd be the Wayne's cartel, but we would have got a lot of motherf- fucks high. Now listen, it changed our life, and not just for our family, but for a lot of kids in the after-school programs, it did well. But for those who stays on the streets, not so much. See it makes all the difference to be in a place that keeps you busy, keeps you fed, keeps you protected. Even from the bullies, all the bullies who say, 3 o'clock, I'm gonna kick your ass.

You like, oh, so what, ni, th. I, th. I, so, your ass you like well so what nigga I'm here till six so I'm a kick you I'm a kick your ass after rehearsal marlin but first let's read this sonnet from hamlet sohn to find you I'm a kick your ass after rehearsal marlin but first let's read this sonnet from hamlet so long story short, we

need to make funding after-school programs a national priority. It literally benefits everyone, the kids, the community, and especially you. Because if I didn't have after-school programs, you could have been robbed by a wayins. And there's a lot of us. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

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