The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Long Story Short - Men & Therapy

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

Why are men so against going to therapy? Leslie Jones dives deep into the issue.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Listen, I watch the news for three reasons. Weather, Traffic, and Michael Strayhair in sexy-ass mouth. Mmm, mm-mm, mm-mm. You gotta blur that out. You can't show that sexy hole on TV. You know, I'm trying to run a TV show over here. Sexy?

But every time I turn on the news, there's one thing I see more than anything. Men losing their shit. Another shocking incident on a plane, as two passengers duke it out right before takeoff. A man went on a bottle-breaking rampage. Store workers say a customer got irate when they refused to sell him liquor at a discount. It's a shocking road rage incident going viral. These two knuckleheads are fighting like medieval knights in battle. Why does every guy think if he gets a sword in his hand, he's going to automatically beat Stephen Segal?

But when he actually gets it in his hand, he's like Jerry Lewis. I'm gonna hit you with a bat. Lady! It's crazy though. This stuff is happening all the time. Every night on the news, Lester Holt has to shout, World Star. And it's all because of men who can't control their anger.

Men, why are you so mad? You need to calm your ass the fuck down! But since you can't do it yourselves, I decide I'm going to help you calm down in tonight's installment of Long Story Short. Now we know that women are going through it but we have to acknowledge that men are going through it too. You guys are angry, you're depressed, and you're lonely. In fact, 15% of men say they have zero. Zero friends. And the other 85%, they don't have friends either,

but they was too sad to fill out the survey. No friends. I mean, women got our problems, but we always have some home girls, you know? You got them, you know? But me and they have nobody. So what do they do? They take all of those emotions and they bottle that shit up,

and then they throw that bottle at the cashier. Now luckily there's a tool that can help you with all of this. Therapy! Therapy! Therapy is amazing! You pay someone to unload all your bullshit on them. They're like prostitutes for the feelings. The problem is, men don't use it. In fact, they're almost half as likely to go to therapy as women. Men out here treating therapy like Nick Cannon treats condoms. They're here? God damn it, Nick!

God damn it! The question is, why won't you men go to therapy? And I think the same reason you won't eat a popsicle in front of anybody, because you're scared, they'll think you a little bitch. Therapy works for women, but it does not work for men. Sitting around, talking about your feelings isn't going to do shit for you. F**** how you feel. Go to the gym, lift heavy weights, be a man.

Therapy is not action. Therapy is sitting and crying and complaining. If you feel depressed, you go to the gym, you do something. You don't sit and cry about it. Ew. Andrew Tate? Wasn't you just arrested for selling bitches? If anybody needs therapy, it's this naked ass hot dog. What do you think being a man is? What do you think being a man is?

Being a man is because it's not what women think it is. Being a man means taking care of your mental health just as much as you take care of your physical health. Okay? Okay. as much as you take care of your physical health. Okay? These dudes will use everything else for therapy except actual therapy. They're like running is my therapy. No, running is running. thrown. Therapy needs to be your therapy. Everyone, I mean, everyone I know who does a marathon is

f*** up. If they were at peace, they wouldn't be running until they pissed up. If they were at peace, they wouldn't be running until they pissed themselves. You know what I'm saying? They'll be at home watching Netflix like everybody else. But we know why I'm in this way. Because starting from a young age, we teach them that they can't have feelings. We're taught at a really young age, don't cry, have no fear.

When you cry, does it make you feel like a failure? There's that sense of sitting there going, why am I crying? I shouldn't be crying about this. There was this one time I was with my friend. He just looked at me, started crying. He just said, I think I just need a hug, and I hugged them. And afterwards, we both looked at each other and were like, we're never going to say anything to anyone. That's sad. Y'all see that?

Y'all see what y'all men are teaching these young boys? That you know what? You know what? I need two men to hug right now. Oh! Get the desk right! That's right! Hold! Your hugge! Y'n'n't you! This desk makes me feel like I got power.

But a hug? That's what men want to keep private. But y'all airdrop your dick picks to a stranger on the subway. Priorities, fellas! But look, if men's issues only affected themselves, I stay the hell out their business. But the problem here is that men not going to therapy is affecting women. Okay? Depressed men are more likely to commit domestic violence, they're more likely to commit abuse, plus instead of going to the therapist, they're using dates like therapy.

Yeah, yeah. Every woman in here knows what I'm talking about. Some dude you just met on tender telling you about how his dad loves his brother more. Well, give me your brother's number then. Maybe I like him better too. Because this is not making me horny! You definitely should talk to someone, but a professional, not me. You definitely should talk to someone, but a professional, not me.

And what's messed up is even if the date goes well, guess what? Men with depression are twice as likely to have problems with their dick. Oh! Oh! Which shouldn't be a surprise, if you're depressed, your dick's gonna be sad too. If you're walking around miserable, your dick is also gonna be like, swing, oh, sweet chario. If you, if you're walking around miserable, your dick is also gonna be like, swing, oh, sweet cinglo. Sweet cudd, oh, sweet chariot. Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.

If you like those songs, you can check out my playlist, Sad Dick. On Spotify. So long story short, men, go to therapy!