The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Mar-a-Logging Off: Trump's Retirement Life

Episode Date: May 26, 2021

Facebook formally extends its temporary ban of Donald Trump, Trump continues to scam his supporters, and the ex-president doubles down on his lie that the 2020 election was stolen from him. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter's smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, zip recruiter's powerful matching technology

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Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17th. Donald J. Trump, former United States President and the reason America will be paying for decades of therapy. It has been five months since Trump was indefinitely suspended from Facebook, for the minor infraction of trying to overthrow the government.

But today brought some new clarity on where you will and won't be seeing Trump online going forward. Decision day this morning in a Facebook face-off with the company's independent oversight board upholding the decision to keep former President Donald Trump off the platform, at least for now. But the board, a kind of Supreme Court for Facebook, says it's not appropriate for the company to just make the ban indefinite, giving Facebook six months to review its decision.

Donald Trump already moving on from the traditional social media sites ahead of the decision. He's launched his own new blog called from the desk of Donald J. Trump. The blog posts are formatted like tweets and include options for people to post the content on other social media sites. People can sign up for alerts so they know the content on other social media sites. People can sign up for alerts so they know when the former president writes something. Hold up! This dude has been saying for months that he's going to create a whole new social media platform to rival Twitter and Facebook.

And he just ended up making a blog. And not just that, he's called the blog from the desk of Donald Trump. When we know for a fact that he doesn't spend any time there. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I the the the the the the the the the the the the to the to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their their their their their their thi will will will will will will will will will will will thi. thi. thiii. thiioliole, thiole, thooooooo.e.e, thiole, thiole, thi.o. their their the blog from the desk of Donald Trump. When we know for a fact that he doesn't spend any time there, I mean you might as well call it from the juice bar of Donald Trump. But I get it. You know, Trump had to do something to distract from the fact that he lost his appeal to get back on Facebook. Or as he put it, we won this appeal in a landslide. Everyone knows it's so many victories. And look, I get why Facebook extended Trump suspension. But you have to admit, it does seem pretty unfair to ban him from a website that began as a way to rate women's looks. Oh, and

just as a side note, it's crazy that Facebook even has a Supreme Court to make these decisions. What's even crazier, as Mitch McConnell has already appointed four of its justices. If you've got a court, well I'm filling it. Brah. Donald Trump may have lost the 2020 election. But that's only if you count all the votes against him. The good news though is that doesn't mean he walked away from the race, empty-handed.

Well, Trump supporters may have gotten or given more than they bargained for when they donated to his re-election campaign. A New York Times investigation found the people who thought they were sending a single donation were charged over and over again by his campaign operation, and what the Times calls an intentional scheme to boost revenue. Recurring online donations were set up by default. Here is how that fine print disclaimer looked. Take a look at this. It was buried.

That tiny line of the bottom of the first yellow box calls for a weekly recurring donation. Hundreds of thousands of people had money withdrawn without their knowledge, leading to a record amount of fraud claims against more than 64 million bucks in refunds in the last months of 2020. A 63-year-old man willingly initially contributed $500 to the Trump campaign when the man had his bank account repeatedly charged $500 several times in the weeks to come to the t when the man had his bank account repeatedly charged $500 several times in the weeks to come to the tune of $3,000 in less than 30 days.

God damn. Say what you want about Donald Trump, but this man is a legend. His last act as president was to rob his own supporters. They loved him so much, they stormed the capital for him, and meanwhile, he was like, you go on ahead, I'll watch your stuff. Leave your wallet here, Bobby. I got you. What's most surprising to me is that Trump's base didn't expect this from him. Because guys, if you know Donald Trump at all, you should know that he will scam anyone. That's why even when Malani is at home, she still takes her purse

with her to the bathroom. I'm going peepee now, credit card comes with me, Donald. Now, you'd probably think that after getting scammed, his supporters would have second thoughts about him, but it turns out some of the victims still say that they are loyal to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, the, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. I. I. I. I's, th. I's, thi. I's, thi. I's, thi, thi, thi, thi, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. And, th. And, th. And, th.. And, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, is is... And, to, to, to, th. And, th. And, thin. And, thin. And, thin. And, to. And, to. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, th. And, to victims still say that they are loyal to Donald Trump. I mean, how far does he have to go for these guys to stop believing in him? Well, sure, I missed that check box that let Trump take my nose. But that's my fault. I would still shake the man's hand if I had a hand because I missed that checkbox too. I can't say that I'm surprised that Trump isn't making an effort to get people vaccinated. I mean, the man barely did his job when he had his job. You think he's going to start working now for free? But the funny thing is that even while Trump seems totally uninterested in promoting the vaccine,

he's very interested in getting credit for it. The former president isn't staying silent, of course. He released a statement about the vaccine. Quote, I hope that everyone remembers when they're getting the COVID-19, often referred to as the China virus vaccine, that if I wasn't president, you wouldn't be getting that beautiful shot for five years at best, and probably wouldn't be getting it at all I hope everyone remembers. Oh man, oh this dude, man he misses Twitter so much. Because like he used to be in the mix so hard all the time. Now he just gets to issue a

statement every week like does anyone remember me? Hello I was the go feefee guy we had good times remember me? Go fifee?the Go Feefea guy. We had good times. Remember me? Go Feefee? And look, I get where Trump is coming from. The vaccines were a scientific miracle developed in record time on his watch. You cannot deny that.

But that's what makes it so weird that he's not out there promoting the vaccine. Like when Tom Brady won the Super Bowl, he went, tieieieie. toe. toe. told. told. told. told. told. told. tooe, tooe, tooe, tooe, toobey, toobey, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to me, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, th. th. th. the thi. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too, tothere promoting the vaccine. Like when Tom Brady won the Super Bowl, he went and held the trophy and celebrated with his team. He wasn't like, Yo, I'm gonna sneak out the back, don't tell anybody I was here. Donald jobless Trump. And for anyone wondering if Trump is still worshipped by his people, well, this might answer your question.

Take a look at this. This is in the convention center hallways, and it is a fairly large statue of Donald Trump made of gold. You can see there, he's in a suit, as well as an American flag with shorts. And it certainly has been getting a lot of attention, a lot of people posing with the statue. But I think, if anything, it gives us a better idea of, did you see that thing?

Oh man, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, like, yeah, yeah, I get it's a golden idol and blasphemous and all of that, blah, blah, blah, blah. But guys, why is it wearing flip-flops and holding a magic wand? I mean, do you know how hard it is to make Donald Trump look weirder than he already is? Like, it doesn't even look like Trump. It looks like King Midas dry-humped a Bob's big boy. I mean, so yeah, that statue looks dumb, but still, everyone in C-Pack was excited to take pictures with it, especially Eric.

This is the closest we've ever been in a long time, Dad. Look, I know. I'm just a gold statue. But get the hell away from me, you creepy looking freak. Now, as exciting as gold-plated Hobbbitt Trump is, the statue was no match for the real thing. And everyone hoping that Trump would come on stage and play his hits, well, they were definitely not disappointed. We have a very very very very very process that must be fixed immediately.

This election was rigged, and the Supreme Court and other courts didn't want to do anything about it. They didn't have the courage to the Supreme Court. You take a look at the votes. When you have more votes than you have people. That's a problem, right? Is that a problem? In Pennsylvania, they had hundreds of thousands of more votes than they had people voting. What's that all about? What's that all about? Cheating, they say. Yeah, I'd say, it's one of those things. But who knows? Who knows? Who knows? I may even decide to beat them for a third year. to, so. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to vote, to vote, to vote, to vote, to vote, to vote, to to to to to to to to to to to to of those things. But who knows? Who knows? I may even decide to beat them for a third time, okay?

Beautiful for the third time. You won, you want, you want, you want, you want, he won, he won, he won, you want, you want, you want, you want, you want. I've watched CPAC and Wondervision this weekend, and I'm not sure which characters are living in a more warped reality. And look, Trump is always going to insist that he won. He's hopeless. I get that. But for the rest of the conservatives in that room, someone is going to need to step up and have the balls to tell them that their candidate

lost and that they need to grow up and accept that. And I think, Carly, you're going thing thin thine thine thine thine thine thine thine thine, you to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to the to to to to to the to to the to the the the the the to the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the rest the the rest the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the. the. the. the. thean. theats. theats. theats. thea. theats. thea. thea. toeats. toeats. the the the theats going to tell them that, right? Carly? Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free. At Zip Recruiter's smart techntop talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, Zip Recruiters' powerful matching technology starts showing you qualified people for it, and you can use Zip Recruiter's pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them

to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruititer find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address. Zip Recruiter.com slash Zip. that's Zip Recruiter. The smartest way to hire. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change.

Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, A Second Look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. In the wake of the capital riots and the ensuing impeachment, a split has emerged in the party between Trump loyalists and traditional conservatives like Mitch McConnell, who blamed Trump for the riot and basically called for him to be charged with crimes. Well now Trump is striking back. Former President Trump is lashing out at Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. In a statement, Mitch is a dower, sullen and unsmiling political hack.

And if Republican senators are going to stay with him,they will not win again and CNN is learning this statement was actually watered down it included saying that McConnell had quote too many chins and not enough brain okay okay you know what how dare you Donald Mitch McConnell does not have multiple chins okay he doesn't have any chins he has a neck sack that he developed to store air so that he can breathe underwater. Learn some biology. But also, damn, this is some fancy trash talk.

Dower, sullen. I think this proves that social media makes you dumber. I mean, Trump's been off Twitter for what? A couple of weeks. And all of a sudden, he's a thuu a day. He also called Mitch McConnell unsmiling, which is just such classic Trump. No matter who you are, Trump will find a way to sexually harass you. Mitch, you're a failure. A disaster for the party. And why don't you smile more, come a show us a little smile.

But you can rarely tell that the rift in the Republican Party is getting serious. And honestly, if it comes down to Trump versus Mitch, I don't know, man, my money's on Trump. Because have you ever seen a rabid Mitch McConnell supporter? No, because they don't exist. Even Mitch is like, look, I can take me or leave me. Ma. can take me or leave me. It's no secret that Donald Trump's transition out of office was a painful one. He caused a major rift in the GOP, but his relationship with the GOP isn't the only one that's been strained. You see, there was another organization that played an equally important role in Trump's political rise.

Fox News. For four years, they treated Trump the way a white lady treats her dog.. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He was th. He was th. He was th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th tho th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th that that that that that that that that that to that that to that that to to that to to ta that that that that that that thi that thi thi four years, they treated Trump the way a white lady treats her dog. He was a good boy, and if he peed on you, it was your fault. And the love was mutual. But sometime between Trump's campaign for re-election and his campaign for insurrection, the relationship went south. Today, President Trump is taking on Fox News. As you see right here, retweeting days old replies, bashing the channel and suggesting that Fox is to blame for his defeat.

I don't know what the hell happened to Fox, huh? What happened to Fox? Boy, oh boy. President Trump is blasting Fox News, suggesting it has become another quote mainstream media outlet. Now this is, as the president took to Twitter Wednesday to say, that watching the channel is almost as bad as watching fake news, CNN. We have a lot of support. We have a lot of support.

So many people we have as supporters outside of just, you know, are Fox News, which, you know, I have my own little, I have my own little difficulties with, if you want to know the truth. Now, Fox, Fox is very disappointing. That Fox puts on this, this would not have happened with Roger Rails, I can tell you that. I gotta be honest, it was so weird to see Trump turn on Fox News,

because they were so loyal to him. They put their necks on next next next next next next next next next next next next next next their their their their thi next thi next thi next thi n n n n n n n n n n nighn, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to toe. toee. toeei. toei. toei. toei. toei. toei. toei. toei. toei. toe. thi. thi. thi. News because they were so loyal to him. They put their necks on the line for him again and again, even when they didn't have much neck to begin with. But now, it looks like this love affair is over. And even though Trump's been married three times, this might be the biggest breakup of his life. And we can't wait for the courtroom drama that this is going to inspire. They were the perfect match but the love did last. This year get ready for the divorce trial of the century. All right we will now hear the case of Donald J. Trump versus Fox News. I understand both parties are requesting a divorce

citing irreconcilable differences, is that correct? Yes, your honor. Yes, if by irreconcilable differences, is that correct? Yes, your honor. Yes, if by irreconcilable differences you mean backstabbing buttheads. Here we go. Your Honor, my client has suffered too long with the lying, racist partner who incites insurrection. They want to find a lying racist partner who doesn't incite insurrection. Mm-hmm. Your Honor, my client, my client, my client, the lying racist partner who incites insurrection. They want to find a lying racist partner who doesn't incite insurrection. Your Honor, my client spent four years promoting Fox News shows wherever he went, rallies, international summits, other Fox News shows. And what did Fox News do in return? They refused to call the 2020 election for him just because Joe Biden won it. That's a good point.

This betrayal has inflicted emotional, physical, and dietary harm. It made him sad and he eats junk food when he's sad and when he's happy and when he feels nothing, but that's irrelevant to this case. Your Honor, I object. The tension is high, but the stakes are even higher. All right, let's get down the business and start splitting up these big juicy assets, counselor. He's keeping the Republican Party. Absolutely not.

That was Fox's property prior to the relationship. He can have the MAGA base only. I'm talking the Trump tattoo having felony live streaming base, the ones who haven't combed their beard since since the mid-90s. That's not fair. None of those riders will even be able to vote from jail in the next election. We want the whole party. Mr. Trump invested substantial resources into overhauling the GOP, renovations, upgrades, spine removal. Who do you think paid for Mitch McConnell's Brazilian butt lift?

I knew that thing was fake. A breakup this messy affects the whole the whole the let's talk custody. I see here there are six children. Wait, I thought Trump only had five kids. Is there a secret love child you only telling me about? No, the petition doesn't refer to Mr. Trump's biological children. Rather, we're asking for custody of Steve, Ainsley, Brian, Tucker, Laura, and Sean, the ones he loves. Your Honor, Mr. Trump's lifestyle simply can't give them the stability. They need to thrive, especially little Brian Kilmeade. He doesn't even understand what's going on. This verdict will be the most anticipated result in our lifetimes.

Before I get to my decision, I'd like to implore both parties to remember what this relationship used to be. This relationship was founded on love, trust, and common interests that Mr. Trump and Fox shared, you know, like wealth and NDAs. But ultimately this case comes down to one thing, whoever gave me the biggest bribe. So this court hereby rules in favor of... Oh, I can't wait too much. Coming soon to a courtroom near you. Ooh, I can't wait too much. Watch the Daily Show, weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central,

and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News.

Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts.