The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Mark Zuckerberg's Congressional Testimony: Non-Answers and Robo-Sorries | Karlie Kloss

Episode Date: April 13, 2018

A rumor surfaces that Donald Trump secretly fathered an employee's child, Mark Zuckerberg repeatedly apologizes to Congress, and Karlie Kloss discusses Kode with Klossy. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast. The Weekly Show is going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday we're going to be talking about. All the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about

ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. April 12th, 2018. From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York, this is the Daily Show. Thank you so much for tuning in.

I'm Trevor Noah. Take a seat. Thank you for coming in. You guys are fun. I can feel it. Our guest to-night. to-I'm today. Thank you so much for tu-in-law. Take a seat. Thank you for coming in. You guys to today. Our guest tonight, here to talk about talk talk to to talk to to to talk about to to to to to to to to to took to took to took to took to took took to took to to tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-a-a-a-tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-s, tho'-s, tho'-s, tho'-s, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho'-s-s-s. Thank-s. Thank-s. Thank-s. Thank-s. Thank-s. Thank-s. Thank-s. Thank you toda-s. Thank you tho-s. Thank you tho-s. Thank you tho-s, tho-s. Thank you for coming in. You guys are fun, I can feel it. Our guest tonight, here to talk about getting girls into software coding, supermodel and founder of Code with Classy. Carly Clauss is here, everybody.

The first, the first, the baseball tasks, the baseball season is in full swing, and I mean like, full swing. Two big fights breaking out on the baseball diamond, the bitter robbery between the Yankees and the Red Sox, boiling over last night, hit by a pitch, New York's Tyler Austin, and to the mound he goes. Both teams stormed the field, then earlier in Colorado, Rocky Star their nolvay, charged in the pitcher after a fastball wild melee.

Even the bullpen pitchers made it out onto the field. Now what the hell? What the hell is going on here? It's like they all decided, you know what the sport is missing? That's what's missing? Yeah. I gotta say though, it was a really nice try, but you can't make baseball interesting.

Just stop. I see what you're doing. You know the the the the their all allams run from the bullpen at the same place to go meet each other at the fight. Like why don't just fight where you are? They're like, I'll meet you there. I'll meet you there. I'll meet you there. I'll meet you there. I bet most of the guys didn't even want to be It's like, yeah, you know how hard he's been trying to fight lately? You gotta go. I guess if you go, I'll go, I'll go. But I'm two

punches and I'm out. Just two punches. I'm leaving. But now let's switch from brows to bras. A teen says school. A thi the school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school to school. 17-year-old Lizzie Martinez wore this oversized shirt to school but wasn't wearing a bra because she said she had a bad sunburn. She says the dean ended up calling her to the main office after her wardrobe apparently became a distraction to her classmates. She asked me to stand up and move around for her. She then proceeded to tell me that it wasn't a fix. So we went to the clinic and she gave me band-aids in there and told me to ex out my nipples. Martinez says she plans to protest

by not wearing a bra the rest of the school year. Are you serious? Some teenage boys get distracted by a girl's breasts, and so the school forces her to That's what they should be doing. Just strap them down. You know, like, here's a thing, here's a thing. You can try to come up with a dress code that'll stop high school boys from being distracted by sex, but it ain't gonna happen, right? Teenage boys can look at the gap between the couch cushions and be like, God damn. I'm sorry, what were you saying? I got distracted by this hot-ass sofa.

Stop punishing the women. Oh, and speaking, speaking of cover-ups, this guy? This guy? This guy, F.A.S. According to this just released report in the New Yorker, Media Company, AMI, which owns the National Inquirer, paid a doorman, Dino Satradin, who worked at

Trump Tower $30,000 to sign a nondisclosure agreement, after he offered the company a salacious story about the then-candidate Trump during the 2016 election. The story being that he knew that Donald Trump had fathered a child with a former employee. Oh, snap! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Trump might have a secret kid? I bet everyone who doesn't know their father right now is panicking. Yeah, they're phoning their moms like, tell me it wasn't him,

tell me it was a crackhead. Tell me I have crackhead blood, mama. Every week, we seem to find out that someone else got money to keep quiet about one of Trump's affairs. Like at this point, it's almost like his dong has its own economy, you know? Like a GDP, a gross domestic penis. That's what it feels like right now. I mean, think about it. Everyone's getting paid, do the porn stars. to. to. I'm worried that if Trump stops cheating on Melania, the stock market will

crash. He's going to be another recession. And now, everyone in this story is talking about whether these payoffs constitute illegal campaign contributions, right? That's why it's big news. But for me, there's a bigger story here. You realize if you were born in the 1980s, you might be Donald Trump's child. Yeah, yeah, be in line to inherit billions of dollars in debt. Yeah, in fact, I was a child born in the 1980s.

Oh my gosh. It's me. Papa Donald. I always felt, I always felt like there was something, something connecting the two of us. So similar folks, everyone said it. I can see it now. I'll show you my birth certificate. But let's move on from the big news of the week to how we all get the big news of the week.

Facebook. In the wake of the Cambridge Analytica scandal, Congress had questions about how Facebook gathers and shares user data and whether government regulation might be needed to keep them in check. So they called in Facebook CEO and less charismatic Rain Man Mark Zuckerberg for two days of hearings involving 44 senators, 55 representatives, and a dazzling array of facial expressions. Look at all those different facial expressions.

Look at that. So human. And these long hearings can be grueling, which is maybe why Zuckerberg brought an extra cushion with him to sit through. Look at that. Oh man, you got to protect your Silicon Valley, you know what I mean? And now, some of the congresspeople seem to have done their homework, but even when they did, they still didn't seem to know how to ask the right questions.

What was face smash and is it still up and running? You put up pictures of two women and decide which one was the better, more attractive of the two, is that right? I'm communicating with communicating communicating communicating communicating communicating communicating communicating communicating communicating communicating communicating communicating communicating communicating that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that, that's that's that, that's that's, that's, that, that, that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and that, and, and, and that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's that's that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, the better, more attractive of the two, is that right? I'm communicating with my friends on Facebook and indicate that I love a certain kind of chocolate. Let's say I'm emailing about Black Panther within WhatsApp. Do I get a WhatsApp, do I get a Black Panther banner banner? Okay, first of all, you don't email in WhatsApp. That's like saying, I'll DM you from my fax machine.

Second of all, who's emailing about Black Panther? Like, what are you writing about? To whom it may concern? Is this your king? Kind of gods, kill manga. Now, to be fair, some lawmakers did know what questions to ask, and that's when Zuckerberg suddenly became the person who didn't know how Facebook works. There have been reports that Facebook can track a user's internet browsing activity even

after that user has logged off of the Facebook platform. Can you confirm whether or not this is true? Senator, I want to make sure I get this accurate, so it would probably be better to have my team follow-up afterwards. If they choose to delete their account, how long do you keep their data? I don't know the answer to that off the top of my head. I do not have that information with me. Senator, I don't know. I don't have. Congresswoman, I don't remember if we had a financial penalty. You're the CEO of the company?

I'm not sure the answer to that question. Is it just me or does Mark Zuckerberg sound like he was coached by Siri? So like, I'm sorry, I don't know the answer to that. But here are five Chinese restaurants nearby. That's not what I was searching for. Like, I'm not saying he should thia thia thia thia thia thian thian thian thian thian thian thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, does the the the the the the the answer does, does, does, does, does, does, does does does does does does, does, does the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the should have the answer to every question, but I think it's a little strange that the guy who bragged for years about being a genius suddenly doesn't know where the like button is.

You know, it's like Zuckerberg's trying to pull a reverse Kaiser Soze. He started out smart, and then now he's in trouble and he's trying to limp at the end. It's like, dude, we saw you. We know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we saw th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th thi. th th thi. thi. the. the. the. the the to the to the the to the the the the the the the the the the the th Zuckerberg didn't know, there was one thing he was sure about. He was very, very sorry. We didn't take a broad enough view of our responsibility, and that was a big mistake. It was my mistake, and I'm sorry. It sounds like we made a mistake there. I apologize for that. In retrospect, it was a mistake. We have made a lot of mistakes in running the company. It was my mistake, and I'm sorry. I'm a human, and I'm sorry.

You know, I just realized something. This is the first time in a year we've seen a man apologizing for something, and it wasn't sexual harassment. Yeah, progress. This is progress, people. Look at you, Zuck. And now, if you started this week thinking that Washington was going to punish Facebook for how they treated our data, then I'm sorry. Because by the looks of it, even Congress doesn't believe that they can take on Facebook.

Now, here's what's going to happen. They're going to be a whole bunch of bills introduced to regulate Facebook. It's up to you whether they pass or not. You can go back home, spend 10 million dollars on lobbyists and fight us, or you can go back home and help us solve this problem. What? So all it takes to beat Congress is 10 million dollars? That's nothing. Mark Zuckerberg spends that on his laughing lessons. It's like, moo?

No, it's ha ha. Try again, Mark. Woof? No, it's ha ha! What Senator Kennedy said there is both depressing and refreshingly honest at the same time. Like he knows that lobbyists rule Washington and Facebook can afford a shit ton of lobbyists. So all lawmakers can really do is just chastise Facebook publicly and then ask them nicely to go and think about what they've done. That's all they can do.

Basically, Congress has to deal with big corporations the way rich white people punish their kids. There's got to be like, young man, there's going to one of your bedrooms and figure out what the consequences should be. And give me your iPhone. Here's the newer one. Go away. So after 10 hours of questioning, all Congress got was non-anses and robo-sari's. And while those apologies might have seemed worthless, the stock market disagreed. Because once it became clear that Congress wasn't planning to do anything to regulate Facebook, the company's stock went up so much that Zuckerberg's net worth rose by $3 billion in just the first day of testimony.

Yeah, $3 billion. That works out to about $10 million a minute, just for testifying in Congress. So I guess what I'm saying is Congress, if you need me to testify for some shit. I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry. We'll be right back. Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show. It's going to be coming out every Thursday.

So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart,

wherever you get your podcast. Welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is a supermodel, an entrepreneur, and founder of Code with Classy. Please welcome, Carly Class! Hi! Welcome to the show. The hot seat. Yeah. Well, it's not the hot seat. It's just a seat.

Yeah. And now it's hot. Thank you for having me. to the show. Thank you. Yeah. Well, it's not the hot seat. Yeah.

Thank you. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Your journey is one that is genuinely fascinating to me because of where you've ended up in your career, but also how you got started. You have one of those fairy tale stories of being discovered as a model. Is it true in a mall?

In a mall. You were just walking through a mall. I was walking through a mall and was discovered. Right. And it started my modeling career. Like how does that happen? It's like not a typical, typical day at the mall, but I was stopped and I was asked if I would be interested in walking in a runway show. And I said, I don't even know what that means, but sure. And... But like how does the person do it without being creep like like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, and, and, th... th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. the, that means, but sure. But like, how does the person do it without being creeped? Like, how do you know it's not like a Roy Moore type person who's just in a mall asking 13-year-olds if they want to model?

Like, do you, does the person? It could have been that. I mean, thank good if it was the beginning of a career and I grew up in the Midwest and I had no idea that someday I would be a model and it happened really fast. Right and you've been on this journey that's been really fascinating and most would be happy with that. Most would say I am a model now I've killed the game. You're a model and then in I think it was 2013 and you go I want to learn how to code code to code to code to code to code to code to code to code to code to code to code to code to code to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. I their their their their their their their their their their their their. I. I. Im. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. thea. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. their. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm their. You're a model and then I think it was 2013, you go, I want to learn how to code.

Yeah, it's not probably the most linear path, but that's kind of just been my life. So yes, I started modeling at 15 and have had the most amazing journey through it all. And I still loved my day job. But at a certain point, I was really interested in getting back into classes, and I was really just fascinated by the tech industry, and I was so confused about what the rest of the world

didn't understand that these tech entrepreneurs did. Like this code, I wanted to understand what that was. So I took a coding class, and that just opened my eyes to understanding like that it is a language that can be learned and that you can build like things that can scale to have billions of people but it starts with learning to code. When you're in that class I don't want to stereotype the class but I don't believe there are many models in that there are many women. I mean that's the thing and that's what I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the is is is is is the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th.. th.................................................................. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. th. the. th. th. th. the. th. the. It. It women. I mean that's the thing and that's what I really realized that I wanted to share this learning and this access to learning to code and kind of getting girls excited about learning to code because it actually is a really creative skill set and so I started

code with classy which is my foundation to teach girls to learn how to code and become leaders and tech. But you decided to get women into coding, to get young girls into coding and now you have this program, Code with Classy and it's what, girls from the age of 13 to 18? 13 to 18 girls across the country and this is a big summer for us because we're actually going to teach 1,000 girls to learn how to code in our camps across the country. Yeah. So we're going to be in 25 different cities and we have 50 camps and we're we're training teachers and we are really excited. So any girls that you know or that are watching who are interested in learning to code, to come join our camps.

Wait, so what do people need? They just apply and they join. Do they need to know anything?? You don't need to know anything. Do you know how to code? No. You should come to our camps. But I'm not a 13-year-old girl. That's OK. Well, you can come watch the 13-year-old's school.

No, that you're just a little bit ago, you said you're also going to be training teachers. That seems like something I haven't heard of much before. A lot of kids are learning how to code, but what is the teachers aspect of it all? So you know, I think like thinking bigger picture about how to really make impact, how to really make impact on this space, how to get more girls in having access to learning these skills, but also the girls, the girls, the girls, the girls, the girls, the girls, the girls, their the girls, their their their their their their their their their their their tho tho tho thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the thanks thanks, thanks theeeeeeeeeeeeeeea thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th learning these skills, but also to really create bigger impact, investing in teachers and training teachers, how to learn how to code and also how to teach how to code. That's kind of this amazing way to kind of scale the impact. And so that's something we're focusing on.

And teachers are, I mean, they're the unsung heroes of the world. And you got you got, I heard their their their their their their their their th. to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn to learn. to learn. to learn. to learn. to learn. to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I to learn, I'm to learn, I'm to learn, their, to co.s.s.s.s.s, I'm, I'm, to learn, to learn, to learn, to learn, to learn, to learn, to learn, their. Definitely. And you got, you, I heard about your foundation. Yes, I never know a foundation. Yeah, but we're not, we're not doing code. We'll team up. We're gonna teach the coding and then I'll be there and then I'll be there and then I'll bring the kids. I will, I will give, give Girls ages 13 to 18 have until April 22nd to apply to one of Collie's free two-week summer coding camps. For more information, go to Code with Closse.com.

Collie Closs, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. The Daily Show with Trevor Noe, Ears Edition. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central

and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show. ancom and follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show. It's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out

on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast.