The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Michael Kosta: Detroit. NY. LA.

Episode Date: July 2, 2021

In stand-up performances across three cities, Michael Kosta discusses living with his parents, the pitfalls of technology and why karaoke singers in Los Angeles are so serious. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruits smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, zip recruiters powerful matching technology

starts showing you qualified people for it, and you can use zip recruiters pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let zip recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the hayst. the hay st st st st st. the hay st. the hay st. the hase. the h. the h. the h. th. th. th. to. to. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address. Zip Recruiter. the smartest way to hire. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling.

But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. the S. the S. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. to. to. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. to. to. to. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the. the. the. the.'s what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17th. It is a terrible, terrible profession. You get paid nothing for many, many years. Everything about it sucks. But every once in a while, you have an evening that makes you do it for another 10 years. And that's tonight's evening. Thank you very much.

All the lights in New York are brighter. Because Costa is back in town. In Detroit and LA, people stop and they say, Hey, the Costa is back in town. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Costa. Ladies and gentlemen. Michael Costa. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Lcasta. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you everybody. This is great. Michigan, we're in the house, huh? Come on. Come on. Come on. Love Michigan from Ann Arbor, you know, not too far away. I live in New York now. They don't know what Michigan is. I say, yeah, I'm from Michigan. And they'll go, oh yeah, I have a cousin in Minneapolis. What? go, oh yeah, I have a cousin in Minneapolis. What?

You mean a 15-hour drive west of where I said I'm from? And they go, oh yeah, my grandpa fishes in Montana. Are you just saying places that start with the letter M? I grew up middle class. I grew up middle class. Love middle class, you know. I'm wealthy now, but I was middle class then, you know? We had everything we needed, middle class. We weren't rich, we weren't poor. One summer I remember I couldn't go to soccer camp. My dad said we don't have enough money to send you to soccer camp. So I understand struggle, you know? I understand sacrifice.

And then seven years ago, my dad retires. What? Excuse me? And he and my mom retire to New York City. What? They got a three-bedroom condominium in the upper west side of Manhattan, excuse me, with a doorman? What? First time I walked in their apartment, I said, what the fuck is this? Huh? I can't go to soccer camp in 1996 and you got two guest bedrooms? No? No? camp in 1996 and you got two guest bedrooms right up?

So I live with my parents. I did. I did. I did. I did. 38 years old, I got hired on the Daily Show, and I was sleeping in a twin bed at my parents' house, and it was nice. It's nice, dude, I tell you, it's nice, dude, I'm tel you. 28 with your parents, something went wrong, you know, but 38? It's nice, man, I'm telling you. Yeah, mom, make coffee. They're getting old now.

When I was living with them before as a kid, you didn't know they're old. But now I'm like, holy shit, that's a lot of vitamins on dad's plate, you know? Dad loves vitamins. Your dad into vitamins? My dad is into vitamins. He read a blog on vitamins four years ago and he is sticking with it, ladies and gentlemen. Any problem? Vitamins, I'll fix it. My mom's been depressed. I don't, we don't know why. Mom, why are you depressed? Michael, I'm 73, I can't move like I used to.

I lost two of my friends this year. Isn't that sad? Heartbreaking, hearing your mom say that? My dad, oh, she just needs more zinc. What? Is it how zinc works, Dad? Is zinc going to bring mom's dead friends back to life? This can't... So now I'm in New York, living in New York City. Greatest city in the world, you know, that's what they scream at you right before they shove you down the subway stairs.

Greatest city! Greatest! Greatest city! Greatest city! Snap! Stab! Greatest city! Greatest city!

Greatest city! Greatest city is like, the prettiest girl in the bar if she was like, Hey, Prudiest girl's right fucking here! Prettyest girl! Prettyest girl is right here! Okay, okay, okay, yeah. Okay, you're pretty. You know who's prettier? The girl behind you, who's shutting the fuck up for a second.

I think her name's Montreal? I think her name's Montreal. You walk everywhere in New York. You guys don't walk anywhere here. Holy shit did you not walk anywhere? You hate when you see somebody walking here. I was walking on the sidewalk. Get them! You guys drive your car up?

What's he doing walking? Get him? Get him! Nobody walks. Detroit, Motor City. Hit them! Nobody walks. Detroit, Motor City. Hit them! No walking allowed here. Don't even think about walking. You're always wet.

I'm always wet every day in New York, somehow. Summer, it's humid. I'm walking. Ass wet. thiwet. Random, air conditioners dripping on you. Was that an air conditioner? Somehow. Summer, it's humid, I'm walking. Ass wet, armpits, wet. Random air conditioners dripping on you. Was that an air conditioner? I don't know, keep going. Wet, wet, wet.

Fall, I put a jacket on, and then the sun comes out. Neck, wet, head, wet, backpack, wet. Winter, you put on all these clothes, right? Then, my socks. Spring, raining, raining, wet, bus, puddles, wet. I'm always wet. Living in New York, it's like being Leonardo DiCaprio in every single one of his movies. Let's go through him.

What do you want to start with? Titanic drowns to death. Wet. Great Gatsby dies in the pool at the end. Wet. Shutter Island, it's an island. Wet. The beach?

Wet. Give me some. Give me some. Give me some. Inception, first dream, pouring rain, wet, gangs in New York, he's in the whorehouse, sweating the whole time, wet, Gilbert Grape, takes a bath in the second act. Wet, give me some more.

Departed, movie theater scene, wearing a hat, starts rating on him. Wet. Revenant starts in a fucking river. Wet! Great Gatsby, I already said it was the second example. What's wrong with this audience? He dies in the pool at the end. Pay attention! When? Blood diamond runs into a river shooting a machine gun. Wet. Aviator crashes into the ocean. Wet. Basketball diaries, top of the building, jerking off, starts raining on him. Wet. He's always wet. He is always wet.

He is always wet. Tom Cruise always running. They should do a movie together called He's Running. I'm wet. My point is that I hate New York. My point is that I hate New York. My point is that I hate New York. It's the only city I've lived in where I see a pill on the sidewalk and I'll pick it

up and swallow it. I don't know what I'm going to feel, but it's got to be better than this shitty reality. What the fuck are we doing here? Everybody hates it. Everybody hates living here. But we lie, don't we? We say we love it to defend our rent and our life decisions. Oh, I love New York.

Number one lie. I love the energy. I love the energy. It's not energy, you idiots, it's panic. It's desperation. It's poverty. It's working three jobs and trying to not get hit by a bus every time you step outside. But it's the city that never sleeps. Yeah, and that does explain why everybody's such a fucking asshole all the time. Maybe we should go to bed. Anybody ever think of that?

That should be New York slogan, go to fucking bed you guys, Jesus Christ! Every day, every day, I see grown men and women weeping in the streets. What? women weeping in the streets. What? Don't look at your phone when you're walking. Look around. You will see a grown man crying in the streets of Manhattan. That's not the greatest city in the world. I've been a lot of places. People aren't crying in the streets of Sydney, Australia,

or Ann Arbor, Michigan where I'm from. Yeah, you cry there, you go home, but you go home, don't, you go home, tho, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, the, the, don't, the the the the the the the the the the the the their?. Don't? Don't? Don't? Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't?. Don't?. Don't. Don't?. Don't?. Don't? th, th, th, th, the the the the the the the the the the the th. Don't, th. Don't, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho? Don't tho, tho? Don't tho. Don't tho? Don't tho? Don't, tho? Don't, crying in the streets of Sydney, Australia, or Ann Arbor, Michigan, where I'm from. Yeah, you cry there, you cry there, but you go home, don't you? You can't do that here. You got nine roommates in your one bedroom apartment. You can't cry in front of them every day. They'll call you a pussy every day. You can't even cryrying to shower. Two people are showering at the same time to save time and money and energy.

The only good thing about living in New York City is that once I got used to how expensive it was now when I go other places, I feel like a Saudi prince. You know what I mean? I was in Kansas City. I ordered two margaritas. The guy will be like, that'll be $9.75. And I was like, I want 500 margaritas! I am the Saudi prince of Kansas City. Give me my change. I want to buy a lake house with it. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

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This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look,

starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. It's just hard. It's just hard. Even getting here just hard. It's just hard. Even getting here was hard. Wasn't it? Something about it was hard. They made you way out there. Oh, it's hard.

I didn't know I was going to a special shooting. Hard. Pretzels are $26 hard. It's just hard. It's like we're living in a pinball game, right? But the flippers are broken. And we keep launching balls and we keep try and try and trying, but no, dead. New ball, new ball, try harder, try harder.

Dead. And then each new game is $6,000 a month. And we keep playing. Why? Where I'm from in Michigan, life, it's easy, man. It's pinball, but it's 100 balls. And it's 300 flippers. And they all work perfectly, right? And yeah, your wife's obese, but who cares? They're great people, Michiganders.

They're reliable, they're kind, they're sympathetic. If they say they're going to show up to your birthday party, bang, they show up to your birthday party. And I say that in New York and people laugh. I didn't even say a joke. I just said that where I'm from people do what they say they're going to do and New Yorkers think that's a hilarious jokes told on a comedy stage. So I battle this. I try to be kind. I try to be sympathetic and reliable, but I live somewhere with those characteristics

are not rewarded, are they? You need to be aggressive and direct and violent and strong. Last week I was trying to get on the subway, okay? Wednesday 8 a.m. Excuse me. I was trying to get in line to get in line. To fight down a staircase, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to punch, to get in line, to get in line, to get in line, to get in line, to fight down a staircase, to punch a family so I could get on the L-train. Okay? Wednesday 830am, no one's moving. What's going on? What the fuck is going on right now? A thousand adults can't get down a staircase. Why is nobody moving?

And I look in the front of the staircase? A thousand adults can't get down a staircase. Why is nobody moving? And I look, in the front of the staircase, there's a little girl holding birthday balloons. Happy birthday to me. I'm special. And she's walking down the steps real slow and real wide. And I looked at her and I took a deep breath. And then I thought, I don't give a fuck. We gotta go kid. There's a thousand adults that gotta get to work, pay their taxes.

Make this city move. We gotta go. We gotta go. Then I googled it. 17 million people have a birthday. Every day in the world. Happy birthday. 17,000 people. 800,000 Americans having a birthday today.

Divide that in two by gender. 400,000 women in America are having a birthday today. Divide that in two by gender. 400,000 women in America are having a birthday today. 25% of the population is children. That means 100,000. Little girls are having a birthday today in the United States of America. Three percent of the U.S. population lives here in New York City. So three thousand little girls are having a birthday today in New York City so you're not fucking special are you?

You're not even close. You're not even you're're one of 3,000 other little girls having a birthday in this city. So we gotta go. We gotta move. I can't be late and miss my guided meditation class. It calms me down. I'm sad that the summer is over. Man, it hits you hard. Doesn't go gracefully.

Bang! Zero degrees. Snow, Monday, bang, crash. Summer time. Oh, hot girls everywhere, right? Uh-huh. How old are you, the today? 19, young man, the whole life right and funny. What about you, buddy? How old are you? 19, young man, whole life, right in front. What about you guy?

Yeah. 24, really. What's your name, 24? Patrick, yeah, stupid name. When you're Patrick's age, you see a beautiful woman, you get excited, don't you? You calm your hair a little bit, oh, beautiful girl over there, I'm 40. Makes you mad, doesn't it, fellas? God damn it, that girl's hot over there, fuck! Shit! Go damn it!

You get mad of your own girlfriend? Hurry up back there! Jesus Christ! That's power, ladies. You're so beautiful, you make us angry at people that we love. That doesn't happen to women. Women don't see another handsome man and get mad at their man. No, because you love him or something stupid like that, you know what? And he sneezes and snot comes out. And you're like, it's kind of cute when Peter sneezes and a little bit of snot comes out. But when you sneeze and snot comes out, you know what, Peter's thinking? I bet that

that hot girl does it sneeze that snot comes out? God damn! Shit! And you know what you're doing, ladies. Wearing these outfits right here in the summer it's like a tank top you know and it's kind of loose on the side and we can look in the side. You ever look at the side Patrick? You ever look at the side Patrick? You ever see a little side brapicking out? Ah! Side boop? You ever see side boop? You ever see a little side bra, peek it out? Ah! Side boop?

You ever see side boop? Ah! Ah! Ah! Side boop changes everything, doesn't it? I tried it, right? So I cut a sliver out of my jeans just right here. So you can look in the side.

You can see a little side ball hanging out. A little side dick. But side dick is gross, right? Side dick is gross. Side boob is amazing. You see side boob. You hit your friend, turn around dude, side boops here. Turn around, turn around, side boob's here. But if you see side dick? Oh, gosh. Shit. Ah! I just saw side dick. That 24 hour fitness today.

Ugh. Why is it so different? Why is it so different? Why is side dick so different from side boo? I'll tell you why. Because everyone loves boobs. That's a difference. Men love boobs and women love boobs. Why? Because we used to suck on boobs. As babies, we sucked on boobs.

And they gave us life. We didn't suck on dicks. What? We weren't babies sucking on dad's dick. It's gross to even picture. Why are you picturing that? But that's what we do with mom! That's what we do with mom. There's no such thing as dick milk for babies. Sadly there's probably

somebody here thinking well I had to suck on my dad's dick. Well you had to suck on my dad's dick. Well you had a bad dad's dick. Not even once. I've never sucked on my dad's dick not even once. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast.

And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruiter's smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, Zip Recruiters' powerful matching technology starts showing you qualified people for it, and you can use Zip Recruiter's pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites,

and let Zip Recruit to find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address, zip recruiter.com slash zip. Again that's zip recruiter.com slash zip. Zip recruiter the smartest way to hire. When 60 minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling?

But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. Where are you from, Patrick? Southline, sure.

Right underneath Northline. Don't have to tell me, I still remember all the cities. You've been a good audience member, Patrick, you are, man. He's 23, but he's 23, 24? 24, man. Thank you, almost 24. So you are 23. So even I got your age correct before you did. And we wonder why fucking China's winning. 23.

You're good though, man. You are paying attention, you're making eye contact, I appreciate that, you know? Young people, I appreciate that. So many shows I do now. The only time you guys look up is to see if there's an outlet like you can plug your phone into. They cross the street, you guys cross the street like this, cars zooming by. I always give you a little nudge with my car. Oh sorry, I didn't see you. I was texting also.

You're soft. You're soft, Patrick. Don't worry, he won't do shit. You're soft. We talk shit about millennials, you know? We say you're soft, because you are, your pussies, but... It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

It's your parents' fault. It's Patrick's parents' fault. Helicopter, thanks, tho'earns. Don't do that. Hand sanitizer, hand sanitizer, hand sanitizer, don't do that, I'll protect you, don't do that, I'll protect you. I didn't have that shit, yeah, I live with my parents now, but I didn't have that as a kid.

When I was a kid, my brother Todd and I used to play baseball in our basement, but instead of using a baseball, we use these old metal darts that I found next to the gasoline. And I'm just whipping gasoline darts and my brother. For hours, unsupervised, dipping them in the gas. And Todd liked to crowd the plate. So now I gotta throw high heat metal gas darts past my brother's face. And one of them caught him late,

stuck right in his eyeball and I run upstairs, dad, dad, dad. Todd has a fucking dart in his eye right now. You know what my dad says? Wake me if it becomes an emergency. That's what my dad says. That's not happening to Patrick, I bet. Patrick's in the basement and South Lyon wearing a helmet and shoulder pads, you know. His dad's blowing up bubbles. He's swinging and missing, but he still gets a participation trophy at the end of it.

He's a fucking now, 43. He just had a second baby. He's got this cute little boy named Winston, and he's six months old, and he fits in my brother's arm. And I get all these pictures of Todd holding Winston, and I zoom in. But I don't zoom in on the baby. No, no, no, no. I zoom in in my brother's face, because guess what's still there after all these years.

Todd's 35, and he's got a black mark on his eyelid, and it twitches when it rains outside. And his little son looks up and sees his dad's eyelid twitching. And he says, that's right, don't crowd the plate when Uncle Michael's pitching. Tex Neck. You know what Tex Neck is, Patrick? You don't even know your fucking age is. How are you going to know what Texneck is? Texneck is a real medical ailment that millennials are getting scoliosis of the top of the spine

and your growing calcium deposits in the back of your skull top of the spine and you're growing calcium deposits in the back of your skull to help bring your skull up. See this is the wrong show to make fun of young people? I'm looking out and you're all like, keep going on, motherfucker. We're writing blogs about this joke right now. You're going to be canceled in 35 minutes. You're growing horns in the back of your head, Patrick. I believe in evolution, okay? I believe in evolution.

A lot of places I perform comedy, don't. But I believe in evolution. I believe we start... Thank you. Not every audience collapse at that part. I believe we started on the ground six million years ago as tadpoles and there was turmoil and violence, time and pressure and we advanced. And we became frogs and there was more turmoil, time, the violence and pressure, and we advanced and we became Bobcats or whatever's next. I don't know. And this pattern kept repeating itself and we kept evolving and here we are today.

Look walking upright straight spine still evolving. Who knows what's next? Maybe we can fly someday. But we'll never know, will we? Because Patrick and all of his friends are literally reversing evolution. Patrick's like this. Patrick's first child is going to be like this. Patrick's grandch's th. Patrick's their their their their their. Patrick's their their. Patrick's their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. I their. I's their. I's their. I their their their their their their their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I. I their their their their their the the te. I's violence. I'm te. I'm te. I'm tea. I'm tea. I'm te. I te. I'm te. I te. I'm te. I the this. Patrick's first child is gonna be like this. Patrick's grandchild is gonna be like that. His great grandchild's gonna be a Bobcat.

His great grandchild is gonna be a tadpole and then we're gone forever. We've ended civilization and it's Patrick's fault. Come on, Patrick. It's not so easy, getting up. Getting up is getting harder and harder. Not just getting up off the floor either. You know what I'm talking about right here. Enjoy those erections, Patrick.

All of you, enjoy those erections. You think they're sticking around forever, but... Don't get me wrong. Yeah, I can, I can still, but I'm not... I'm not packing the heat Patrick is right here, I guarantee it. What do you do, Patrick, student working? What do you do, buddy? What do you do, Patrick, student, working, what do you do, buddy? What do you do? Anesthesia tech ed.

Seems like those are three different jobs. Huh? Okay, so anesthesia tech. So the anesthesiologist puts anesthesia on the patient and then you tweet about it on your phone? I'm envious of your generation. I'm envious. Am I worried that you're losing some toughness? Yeah, I am.

Am I losing toughness every year? Yeah, we all are. Think about the older generation. Think about my grandparents. My grandma? Doris? Tough. Tough. Tough. She lived through the Great Depression.

Do you know those people? They don't even speak. Because they're conserving their words. They're called the silent generation. The silent generation. They were tough man. My grandma, we moved my grandma from one house to a smaller house and I was unpacking the box of kitchen stuff, okay?

And there was a spool of tinfoil in there that she had reused 55,000 times. My grandma bought tinfoil one time in 1931. And that is there for that tinfoil. Meanwhile, I got boxes of tinfoil on my house. Sometimes I measure incorrectly, I crumple it up, throw it in the ocean I start over again. And there was this little piece of tinfoil, triangular shaped, that she had folded over many, many times. Tapaped, shut, packed, moved. And I found this piece of tin foil.

And I took the tape off and I peeled back the layers. And inside was just a little piece of a chocolate chip cookie. That she packed and she moved from one home to a new home. Isn't that so sweet? Isn't that so indicative of that generation? I mean, one time I moved and my new stairs, they were steep, they were steep, okay? So I threw my couch away.

We should just get a new couch, those are some steep stairs. Let's just, let's just... Let's just... the tree. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling. But that's all about to change.

Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to technology now. We are completely addicted. We rely on it. It's making us dumb. It's smart. It's smart. Technology's never been smarter. Smart phone, smart computer, smart tablet, smart car, smart water. Everything is smart. Except for who? Us. We're dumb as shit. We've never been dumber in the history. Have you spelled recently? Have you tried spelling without your phone? Are the words harder? I was on an airplane doing a crossword, I just spell silhouette. I don't know.

S. Is it S? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? thiorea? Commitment? toe'n't? toe? I'd rather have it. It's killing our brain. Think about how many phone numbers you knew as a child. Think about how many phone numbers you had memorized as a child.

I knew everyone's phone number. I'm 40 now. I know one phone number by heart. My phone number. If I get arrested and I can make one phone call, do you know what I can do? I can check my voicemail, that's what I can do. I just have to hope somebody leaves me a message with their number ready. In case you got a rest, call me back, 734, 2-4.

I was reading a real book, and I tried to pinch zoom, the real book. Bigger! We are addicted, it's making us dumb, and it doesn't even work. Does anything fucking work ever? Do you like washing your hands now? Motion sensor faucet? You like the motion? You like the motion sensor faucet? Was that a good invention that moved humanity forward through technology?

The guy that invented the motion sensor faucet should be executed on live television at halftime of the Super Bowl as a message to other inventors! I'm at the Atlanta airport last week. I'm like a bad DJ trying to get water out of the faucet. Ehh. Soap, soap, soap, soap, soap, soap, soap, soap, soap, soap, soap, paper towel, paper towel, paper towel, paper towel, soap, soap, soap, soap, paper towel, paper towel. We're going to die of Zika because we're because thia, because we're thia, to to thia, to die to die to die thia, to die to die to die thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, to to to too, so, so, to th, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so. So, so. So, paper. So, paper. So, paper. So, tobe, tobe, tobe, tobe, tobe, towel, paper tow, paper tow, paper tow. We're gonna die of Zika,

because we haven't properly washed our hands since 1982. Nothing works. Nothing works. Every hotel I stay in, my magnetic key loses power after three minutes. And you gotta go down to the front desk and you gotta wait, and when you finally get up there, she treats you like a piece of shit, doesn't she? Oh, did it touch something magnetic? Oh, oh, did you have a touch something magnetic?

Oh, did you have a touch something magnetic? Yeah, Earth, bitch? It's all magnetic! Everything is magnetic! Everything, that's magnetic, that's magnetic. Everything's magnetic. Why would you make a key that can't touch magnets? You know what keys could touch magnets?

Old keys, the ones that went in the door and turned the deadbolt. They could sit on magnets all day long. They could store on magnets if you wanted to. Oh, well, did it touch your cell phone? Huh? Did you have it? Did you have it touch your cell phone? Yes. Yes, I did. Yes, yes.

Everything touches my cell phone. I drive with this thing lodged underneath my dick now, okay? That's how much of an extension the phone has become of our body. Let's make a key that can touch our cell phone, please. Let me get this straight. I have a functioning, magnetic hotel key, okay? But if it gets close to the phone, that breaks the key. But it's okay just to hold this up to our brain? That's okay? It's okay to push this into our brain!

We're gonna die because of this. You know that? We're gonna die. Because of this? Tonight! Tonight! When 60 Minutes premiered in September, 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes.

It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. You laugh at these jokes, but nothing will change. They say comedy is powerful, but not powerful enough to get you off the cloud. What are we doing on the cloud? Everybody, it's a failure. The cloud is a failure.

Everybody's hacked. Hey, put all your pictures up there. What could go wrong? Hey, while we're up there, let's put all our financials up on the cloud. And all our password, everybody's hacked. Everybody. Yahoo. Hacked. Two billion people. Apple hacked. Home Depot. Hacked. Hillary Clinton. Hacked. Democratic National Party. Hacked. Capital one. Hacked. Equifax. Eight hundred million people. Hacked. British Airways hacked. Justin Verlander hacked. Ashley Madison. Ah! Hacked. Hacked. The fucking Pentagon's cloud got hacked.

You think your Flickr account's safe? This is the cloud. It's somewhere, we don't know where it is, that we store valuables that smarter people have access to. Does that sound good? Do you guys like that? You guys want to. Does that sound good to you guys like that? You guys want to use a cloud? I would rather store things in a real cloud.

You know what's worked for centuries? The ground. Get a shovel, dig a hole. Put your dick picks in the hall, put dirt over your dick picks. You would at least know if somebody was hacking your ground, right? Honey, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives.

But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News, listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17th. We're dumb now. We are dumb now. Don't believe me?

We lock our car now, and as we walk away, did I lock it? Did I lock it? Did I lock it? Did we lock it? Did we lock it? Hit? Did we lock it? Hit? Did I lock it? Did I lock it? Hey? Did I lock it? Hey? Did I lock it? The third time you hit lock, you should be electrocuted to death? And have to give your car to someone to someone to someone to someone to someone to someone to someone to someone to someone to someone to someone to someone to someone their their their their their their their their their their their, ha, ha, ha, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their their their their their their their? Did I their, their, their, their, their, their, did their, did, did, did I. Did, did, hit, did, hit, hit, hit, hituted to death and have to give your car to

someone that can use their fucking brain and remember if they locked it 0.25 seconds ago some of you aren't laughing you're the assholes I wake up to every city did we lock it better be sure better be sure had did we lock it it hit hit hit hit hit hit hit hit hit hit hit use your brain, everybody. Okay? Can I tell you a little secret? You know what happens if you don't lock it?

Nothing happens. Don't leave a bag of cash. Sitting shotgun. No one's going to break into your Kia Serrento Patrick. What a fucking loser Patrick is. Anastasiology tech at Michigan. Better hope I don't get like some meniscus tear in my knee 10 years from now and I'm laying on the operating table and he's like, Patrick here. Black!

Fate to black. In Detroit and LA, people stop and they say, Michael Custer is back in town. My to the caster is back in time. L.A. So dumb, you guys. I was here the night Trump won, right? I was on Sunset Boulevard. Dumb, you guys. I was here the night Trump won, right? I was on Sunset Boulevard.

Oh, it baffled me. People weeping. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. And I was looking around going, you can't, have you ever been anywhere else in the United States? Have you ever been 30 miles east of here or Ohio or Tennessee or in Applebee's?

How, how, how, how can you not believe it? I can't believe that you can't believe it. Get some perspective everybody. This is not even close to Real America, okay? All right? Look around. You see everybody's pretty good-looking? There's your first sign right there, okay? People don't get new cars every six months in real America. You get a new car, 49 years after your first car, and that's because the engine flew out on a family vacation. Smoothies aren't $11 and $85 for four ounces. Nobody else in this country thought Birdman was a good movie.

Do you guys know that? Is that hard for some of you to hear that? Well, I'm the cinematographer. No, everybody hated Birdman, dude. Stop tweeting that you hate the president. I hate the president. Every time you do that, my friends back home load their guns. They're dumb. Yes, you're right.

They are dumb. They are dumb. And, you're right. They're dumb. They are dumb. And they're armed, aren't they? And they're coming. They're moving west. What are we armed with here? What? Avocado toasts? What are you going to do? Throw brunch at them? Shut the fuck up! When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television.

Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. LA's this own little bubble and world. I have the worst agent. I have the worst fucking agent.

I'm sure he already laughed. Doesn't matter, I can do the joke. Dan Specter at WME Entertainment. Do you know? Dan Specter. His email is D. D.S-S. At the.

to. They called me. I answered. His assistant goes, can you hold for Dan? I'm now on hold. They called me, I'm holding. I'm holding. They called me, I'm holding.

They called me, I'm holding. I'm the one who's holding. They called me. I was available. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm th. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was a. I was a. I was available. I was available. I was available. I was a. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm to. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was the the the the the to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the the to. the the the the the the the the the. I'm the one who's holding. They called me. I was available. Now I'm holding. I'm the one who's on hold. Who's holding? I'm the one who's holding. Okay? And like an asshole, I held. And she comes back. Ten minutes later. Michael, who are you holding for? I'm holding for Dan. I'm sorry, he's not available right now. You fucking called me! So last time I met with my agent, Dan Specter. I took all his business cards, okay? He had like 180 business cards on his desk, I took them all.

Here's my favorite part about LA. Karioch, people take it seriously here. They think it's an audition. They think they're going to be discovered that night after that song. Here's how people in real America do karaoke. You get blackout drunk, you sing your favorite journey song, and then you drive home as fast as you can, okay? That's how everyone else does karaoke in the United States, but not in LA, choreographed dance moves, you know?

They pass out headshots afterwards. What? So I go to karaoke in LA and I put on my nicest suit and I bring my agent's business cards with me. And after a really terrible but committed performance, I go up to that person and I say, you listen to me, God damn it. I am a talent agent and I believe you are going to be a star. Then I slide and want a Dan Specter's business cards. You call me tomorrow. And if I don't call you back, you call me 10,000 more times.

Stop by my office. I circle the address. Send me packages. Show me you have what it takes. Politics, look, it's not a straight line, okay? It's not in this country. It's not the left over here versus the right over here. It's not. I perform everywhere in the United States.

It's more like a horseshoe. It's more like the shape of a horseshoe. Most Americans are up here in the center. Maybe you lean left a little bit, maybe you lean right, okay? But all the fucking wackos, they, they they they they they they they they they they they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th.... th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi, thi, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, thooo. that, thi. the center. Maybe you lean left a little bit, maybe you lean right, okay? But all the fucking wackos, they go to the edge. And look, they fall all the way down, don't they? And look, they're kind of close to each other. And here's the guy that loves guns and God, and here's the woman that makes her own hemp,

sandals and honey. And just let them kill each other, okay? Just keep it up here. You can lean left, but you keep one leg in the center, all right? You can go to the right, but keep one leg in the center. Just do this. Just do basketball defense drills. People here are like, but I do make my own honey. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives.

But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. I gotta wake up early. Buh. I was having fun, you know, and then it got in my head. I got a 5 a.m. flight in three weeks, and I, I, I can't stop thinking about it. I mean, it gets in your head, doesn't it? My friends wanted to get drunk tonight,

I was like, I better not, I got this 5 a.m. flight in three weeks. And I know it's coming, but you're never ready. You're never ready for a 5 a.m. flight. I'll sleep like eight minutes, you know. I'll pack drunk. You ever pack drunk? Is the best? Because you land and you see your bag and you're like what is in this bag? What is this surprise box that I sent to myself from the past? Oh my god I got nine t-shirts in a snorkel mask that's great? to myself from the past.

Oh my God, I got nine t-shirts and a snorkel mask. That's great. I'm in Kansas City in February. One time I got so drunk in Phoenix, I packed, flew home, opened my suitcase. I had the hotel's TV remote control. The grossest item in a hotel I packed drunk. When you fly somewhere you really think about packing. You know, you talk it out with each other.

Do I need 12 belts? You know? We stuff things in the shoes, that's a good spot. We always weigh it, we don't know, but we're like, oh yeah, that feels about right, uh-huh. But if you're driving somewhere, bring it! Bring it! Bring it!

We're driving. Bring it! Honey, should I bring the blender? Yes. We're driving. I may want to make fresh tomato soup this weekend. What about the treadmill? It's already packed. We're driving. We're driving. 2005 tax returns? Of course. What if the accountant calls? We're driving.

Do you guys get it or do you want more examples of stuff? More? More? Okay. We're driving? Who's Sophie? I don't know. Pick her up! We're fucking driving! It's tough doing comedy. It's tough. It's tough being a straight white male, man. It's tough.

It's tough. It's tough. We had a good run, straight whites. Four thousand years is a pretty good run, I feel like, but man, it is over for us this year. So many unforced errors for the straight whites this year. I can't even do what I love anymore, which is masturbate in front of women without the straight whites this year. I can't even do what I love anymore, which is masturbate in front of women without their consent. It's a witch hunt, you know it's a witch hunt.

It's tough being a great straight white. They got Bill O'Reilly. They got Bill O'Reilly. Fox News, commentator, woman accused him of sexual harassment. He paid her $32 million. That is so much money that I googled harassment. That is so much money that I googled harassment, okay? And you know what harassment is? It's hearing unwanted or lewd remarks. 32 mil. Look, I live in New York City. Where's my $32 million?

A stranger threw a bag of shit at me last month on the D train. I can't even get a free bus transfer? All of you could jerk off on me for $32 million. I swear to God. I don't want Comedy Central to cut that line. I swear to God. All of you could jerk off on me for $32 million. I swear to God, I swear to God. I don't want Comedy Central to cut that line. I swear to God. All of you could jerk off. You can do it twice, buddy, all right? That's why you're sitting so hot. I get it. Look, I don't like Bill O'Reilly. Fuck that guy, okay? But that's a profitable accusation. I always thought if I had a daughter, you know, I, I, I would I would th to to to to to to to to their, I would their, I would their, I would their, I would to their, I would their, I would their, I would to to to to to to their, I would their, I would to ci to ce your science their their their to cut to cut to cut to cut to cut to cut to cut to cut to cut to cut to cut to cut to cut to cut their their their their their their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, fuck that guy, okay? But that's a profitable accusation. I always thought if I had a daughter, you know, I would teach her science or golf or something, but now I think I'm gonna teach her how to flirt

and take screenshots. throwns. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple Podcasts, starting September 17.

Me Too is a powerful movement. Okay? It's tough to do jokes about it. But here goes. You can't even say, me too. Guys freak out. Stand up straight. Stand up straight ahead. Close your eyes. Don't move your head.

Straight set me to. I don't even like saying the phrase. My friends say, you want to go to the bar, get drunk? Yeah, me too. I will also. I will also. I support victims of sexual assault, obviously. I support victims of sexual harassment.

Obviously, I don't know what sexual misconduct is. What is sexual misconduct? Seems like every time I've had sex, somebody's misconducting themselves a little bit. Doesn't you want a little misconduct? Don't you want a little misconducting themselves a little bit. Don't you want a little misconduct? Don't you want a little misconduct? If you have great conduct in bed, you suck at having sex. That's how that works.

I ask for misconduct. Hey, wrap this cord around my neck. Kick me in the nuts. Tell me my parents have been murdered. I'm trying to come here. Let's go. I'm close. I get accused of mansplaining a lot, that's for sure. Anytime I open my mouth now, a woman says stop mansplaining. You guys know what mansplaining is? Ladies, if you don't know what mansplaining is? Ladies, if you don't know what mansplaining is?

Mansplaining is when a man over-explained something to a woman because he believes she doesn't know what it is because she is a woman. And it's a tough word to hear as a man, because it gets us to evaluate our own behavior, and that's hard for us sometimes. But I'm proud to announce that I don't mansplain. I don't over-explain to women. If anything I over-demonstrate to women, right, I'm more of a men-straiter, okay?

It's true. That is true. That is true. That is true. I've been known to men-strait from time to time. It's a good word, mansplain. Thank you ladies for coming up with it. It'll help us be better men for you, right? And I think you'll appreciate the word that I came up with for you as well. It's called woman reacting, okay?

And woman reacting is when a woman overreacts when you tell her the truth. Some of you are doing it right now. You can't tell a woman the truth. Not a hundred percent the truth. You can tell a woman like 80 percent of the truth. I think that's why they only make 80 cents compared to our dollar. Don't woman react. Don't you woman react, don't you woman react. You should be happy when I wrote that joke it was 73 cents on the dollar. You were a good audience for laughing at that, I'm serious. Howdy's tough.

How many's tough in the US? Gender jokes are tough, race is tough, you know? Politics is tough. What's the toughest topic? Guns? Guns are the hardest topic to do jokes about. You hear how quiet it is now that I even just said guns? Guns are tough.

It's always tough to do jokes about guns. It's always too soon, isn't it? Isn't that sad? We love guns, man. I think it should be our greeting. Instead of shaking hands, I think we should just, thrush, pshof. Greetings take on the culture of its people.

That's why in Japan, you bow, in France, you kiss on both cheeks. That's our culture. We own 50% of the world's guns. Oh, you're American? Nice to meet you. Pshpshpsh! Pshoo! It's the second thing we wrote. It's the second thing we wrote. It's the second thing we wrote. Out of all the things to write, when starting a country, the second thing they wrote down is you better get a gun. The first thing they wrote down is you can say what you want, and then they were like,

oh, but you better get a gun if you want to do that. We wrote that before women's rights, slavery, health care. That's high. Two is high, everybody. Even Germany's number two wasn't arm every citizen with a deadly weapon. And that's what gun lovers tell you. Many people probably in this room will tell you, look man, second amendment, the right to bear arms, and they're fucking right. That's what it says. My only criticism of that amendment is when it was written, arms were a little different, aren't they? In the late 1780s.

Arms was a musket, it was 28 feet long. It took 12 minutes to reload it. You shot like a warped marble, you know? That even if I aimed at him, it would hit her in the shoulder. A mass shooting would take nine hours. Two shots fired, nobody injured or killed. What do those words mean? What do the words the right to bear arms mean?

Maybe we misinterpreted them. Maybe it's the right to show your arms, you know? Suns out, guns out, that's where that comes from? People misinterpreted things all the time back then. Muslims believe if you die a martyr, you go to heaven, you get 72 virgins. But depending on what translation you use for the word virgins, it could also mean raisins. Do you know that? You might get 72 raisins.

Still good. I'm just saying if they fucked that up, maybe we fucked up the arms thing, you know? I'm not anti-gun. I can feel some in the balcony putting your scopes on your rifles. I'm not anti-gun. I wanted to get a gun. I thought about it. And then I thought about how often I reach in my garbage disposal when it's turned on and I was like, you know what, maybe I don he has a garbage disposal? It's just sad.

It's just sad. Yesterday, there was a mass shooting. And I don't even know when this is going to air, but that last sentence will remain relevant. Isn't that fucking sad? Las Vegas is sad. Parkland, Newtown, San Diego. I mean, Killine, Texas. Isn't that fucking sad? Las Vegas is sad. El Paso. Parkland, Newtown, San Diego.

I mean, Killeen, Texas, you can't even name them all. You can't even name them all, right? Orlando. The guy shot up the gay nightclub. Not the gays. They love everybody, man. We have a gun problem. We have a gun problem. Hate to break it to you. We have a gun problem, but we can't touch the Second Amendment.

It's a tough problem to solve. Politicians are not going to solve it. But maybe a comedian can. I have three solutions to solve the United States gun problem. You guys want to hear them? Here we go. First solution. You only get two guns. That's the max. You can have a short gun, and you can have a long gun, okay? You can't have 586 guns. Second solution, women, you can have as many guns as you want, all right?

Bazookas, armored helicopters, oozies, swords that shoot bullets, whatever. No woman has killed more than two in this country with a gun since 1980, okay? Even the YouTube shooter, she, slightly injured two, and thi...... th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, you can't, you can't, thi, you can't have the the the the the the the the they can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you, you, you, you, you, you can't, you the the the the th, you th, you th, you th, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. We can't thi. thi. thi. thin, thi. thi. thi. thi. the thi. the the the the the thi. thi. thi. the two people in this country with a gun since 1980, okay? Even the YouTube shooter, she slightly injured two and then killed herself. All right? fellas, if you want to use a gun, you've got to find a woman, ask her, she's going to say, what's it for? How long are you going to be gone? Who are you going with? What time can I expect you'll be back? Third solution. If you're a white man with a bad haircut, no guns for you, okay? Sorry Patrick, that sucks too, but. Hey, my name is Michael Costa.

You guys are the best. Thank you to Michigan. Thank you to Michigan. Thank you to Detroit. Thank you, New York City. Thank you very much. Thank you, Los Angeles. Thank you to Comedy Central. I love you guys.

Thank you very much. Good night. If this comedy special doesn't win an Emmy, I put this dog down, okay? The Daily Show with Trevor Noah Ears Edition. Subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and streamful episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing. full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it.

This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at, that's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News, listened to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.