The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Mike Johnson Elected House Speaker | Sydney Colson

Episode Date: October 26, 2023

Desus Nice takes on the day’s biggest stories, including new House Speaker Mike Johnson, a Georgia restaurant’s “Bad Parenting Fee,” and Michael Kosta and Grace Kuhlenschmidt weigh in on Jay-Z’s response to the “Lunch with Jay-Z or $500,000" question. Also, you might think you’re killing every spotted lanternfly in sight because they’re an invasive species, but that’s just what THEY want you to believe. Truth-seeker Kevin Matthew Kelp (A.K.A. Michael Kosta) is on a mission to find out the real puppet master behind the spotted lanternfly bugspiracy. And two-time WNBA champion for the Las Vegas Aces, Sydney Colson, discusses the playful sibling-like rivalry between her and her teammates, the increasing visibility of the WNBA, and her unscripted comedy series, “The Syd + TP Show.”See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The candidates for November are set. I know Donald Trump's type. Between now and Election Day. We are not going back. A campaign season unfolding faster. Kamila Harris is not getting a promotion. Then any in recent history. Make America great again.

Follow it all with new episodes every weekday on the NPR Politics podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. From New York City, the only city in America. It's the show that invented news. This is the Daily Show with your host,ers Nice. Can I get a Yard? Yo, we've got a great show for you tonight. I'm super excited, a little for this show, but mostly, because tonight is the greatest team in basketball's opening. The New York Knicks! Come to come to come on. I'm super excited. I will be on the street outside of MSG streaming. So if I don't have a voice tomorrow, you know why.

But I do have a voice now. So let's get into some the fucking headlines. Let's kick things off with big news about the Speaker race in Congress. After spending three weeks on the dating scene, Republicans are finally swiping right. Breaking news out of Washington, House lawmakers finally elected the next speaker of the House. After 22 days, 14 candidates and four nominees, House Republicans united to elect Congressman Mike Johnson of Louisiana, the new Speaker of the House. Republicans finally named conservative Congressman Mike Johnson. And it's about time.

That's right. America's new speaker of the house is some dude named Mike Johnson. I'll be honest, that sounds like the name you give a hotel when you're checking in after having an affair. Hey, uh, my name is a, uh, my name is, uh, Mike Johnson. You went rooms by the hour? Now, if you is Mike Johnson. You went rooms by the hour? Now if you don't know Mike Johnson, don't worry. Nobody else does.

But what we do know is that he wants nationwide limits on abortion. He wants to criminalize gay sex. And he even wants to ban reggaeton. All right, I'm lying on the last work. But that seems like this vibe because it comes off as a dick. And the one other thing people know about this dude. He was one of the main guys trying to steal the election for Donald Trump. But apparently he doesn't want to talk about that anymore.

Johnson is a staunch Trump ally, who recruited Republicans to sign on to efforts to overturn the 2020 election election. I asked him if he stands by that vote. Mr. Johnson, you helped me the efforts to overturn the 2020 election for you. Oh, uh, uh their name. So, all right, someone come get their nana. So at first when I saw that reaction, I was like, damn, that was a lot.

But then I learned the reporter who asked the question was black. So at first when I saw that reaction, I was like, damn, that was a lot. But then I learned the reporter who asked the question was black. Then in order to make a little more more the sense, I the the the the the the the the the the the the to make the the learned the reporter who asked the question was black. That in order to make a little more sense. Especially when I found out the shut up lady is named Virginia. And she represents North Carolina. That's a lot of southern heritage right there.

I bet you she was born in some small town named Plantationville or something. Where was she born? Oh. Oh. Oh, she from the BX? Wow. BX so all day. Wait.

Yo, I remember her. Yo, she used to be on the block. That's Jenny from 149, yo! We went to high school together. She got an oldest shit. Oh, man, I see you at the reunion, though. All right, enough enough. Let's move on to a story about one restaurant that's finally had it with you and your loud-askid.

The restaurant charging customers a new fee. It's a bad parenting fee. The menu at a restaurant in Georgia lifts a surcharge for adults, quote, unable to parent. Yikes. One customer was charged $50 for their kids' behavior. Critics of the policy say children are unpredictable, but supporters say it keeps parents in check. I don't understand why this is necessary. We already have restaurants where you can go and there's no kids there.

It's called strip clubs. No, I'm for real. Check out pumps and bushwick. They got the best warm sushi in New York City. Of our real sushi boys out there. But if they are going to do this, they should charge you waste on what your kid did. Is your kid throwing french fries? Ten bucks. Is your kid put in their mouth on a ketchup bottle like it's their mama's titty? Twenty. You're not really doing anything but he just keeps staring at my table like a

creepy ghost? 50 bucks. So I fully support this. It's almost as good as my idea to keep kids in line. This lady. Problem solved. All right, let's move on because a big internet debate has finally been settled. I'm not talking about whether Justin Timberlake should get a path for his wigger phase. I'm talking about whether you would rather have $500,000 or lunch with Jay Z. Now people have been arguing about this for years, but now Hove himself has weighed in. There's something interesting online Jay I'd love to hear what you think about this. If you had a choice between getting paid $500,000 in cash or lunch with Jay-Z, which would you choose?

You gotta take the money. People say, of course you you you take, you you you the lunch lunch lunch lunch lunch lunch lunch lunch lunch to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their th. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. tha tha tha thu.a tha.a.a.luu.a.a. ta. ta. the the the the. thuu. toa.a. toa.a.a toa, which would you choose? You got to take the money People say of course you take you take lunch with Jay-Z because the wisdom that you would get from him Would would be so beneficial to you there would only be a matter you would take the money? Take the five hundred thousand go buy some albums and listen to the album the blueprint? Literally to me in my life and my journey is is the the the th? th. they th. th. th. th. th. their th, it th. th, it. It th. It's thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi. thi. thi. I I I I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I tak. I take take take tak. I tak. I tak. I tak. I tak. I to to to to to to to to to to to albums. The blueprint literally to me and my life and my journey is there already. That's your advice Jay. You're by God we've been listening to your music and we are not billionaires. All I've learned is concrete jungles are where dreams are made of and I have no idea what that means. I do be singing a hell out of that in the club though.

By the way, this question only works with Jay-Z. No other rapper commands anything close to half a million dollars. Will any other rapper be like, you want $142 or tapas with the baby? The only thing you gotta remember is if you do take that money, just don't invest it with who? Hey, hey, hey, eh, eh, ah, ah, ah, ah. But yeah, Jay says it'll take the 500 grand instead of lunch with him. Which makes me wonder, why doesn't Jay-Z want me to eat lunch with him? Kind of sounds like he's hiding something.

What if he doesn't want you to eat lunch with him because he's secretly a picky eater? I don't like the mouth feel of mashed potatoes. It's making my tongue itch. Yo, you know how they raised tilapia? It's a bottom feeder. Yo, boxed this bread up. I didn't get rich by wasting bread bread thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin they raised tilapia? It's a bottom feeder. Yo, boxed this bread up. I didn't get rich by wasting bread. I take the condomers home too.

Beyonce's got a hot sauce in the bag when you think she learned that from. I haven't paid for ketchup in 10 years. It's your boy. Wait, I got one more. I got one more. I can't eat with that that that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy with that creepy got one more. I can't eat with that creepy ghost kid staring at me. Someone charged with a fee.

Listen, for more on this debate, we turn to Michael Kassa and Grace Coolinsmith. Michael... Michael... Let's start with you. 500 grand or lunch with Jay-Z, what's the right choice? It's easy, Deez's. You take the money. What financial advice is Jay-Z gonna give me? Hey, Michael, become the greatest rapper in history? I mean, at best, I can make it in the top 20.

Let me show you what I got. Drop me a beat, Deez. Here we go. That boy drilling him, dealing him. Absolutely not, no. Grace, what about you? Would you also take the money? No way, you definitely have lunch with Jay-Z. Look at his list of accomplishments. He married Biance, he dated Biance. He probably has Biance's phone number.

So yeah, definitely lunch. Screw the 500 grand. I'd pay that much to have Beyonce spit on me. Yeah, of course we'd all pay half a mill for Beyonce to spit on us, but that's not the question, Grace. Between Jay-Z or half a million, you got to take the money. This is why your rap career stalled Michael. You don't think, you don't think big enough. You don't have to choose between Jay-Z and and the money and the money and the money and the money the money the money and the money the money the money the money the money the money the money the money to to to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have B. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. to.. to. to. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to. to. the to. to. the to. to. the to. to. to. the to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. think, you don't think big enough. You don't have to choose between Jay-Z and the money.

What you have to do is have lunch with Mr. Z, but you tell him you only eat gold coins, like a my strange addiction thing. Then after a couple hours in the emergency room, you're rich. No, no, no, no, no, no. You can't meet Jay-Z and poop-out gold. It's not your birthday, okay? Money or lunch, you have to choose. But I don't, though.

To quote Jay-Z, no, thank you. What, no, thank you? What, no, thank you? Oh, um, it's not from a song. I just assume at some point Jay-Z has definitely said no thank you. My point is having lunch with Mr. Knowles could still make me rich. Investment dividends, profit, these are all words he could define for me. Okay, Grace, you're making this too complicated, all right? Do what I do. Just take the $500,000, invested in a sensible index fund. Then in five years, I take the principal, take it to Vegas, put it all on black, I win big.

Now I'm a high roller. I get front row seats to the big prize fight. Who's in the front row? Boom. Jay-Z. I pretend one of my contacts fell out. Yeah? I pretend one of my contacts fell out. That way I can also pretend I don't recognize him at first, which will make him feel normal and remind him of simpler times. I give him some of the cost of charm. We exchange numbers. I ask him to lunch. Then, when we meet up, I play him some of my rap demos. Yes, yes.

You play your rap demos. Biancee hears them. She's so appalled by what she's hearing that she spits on you. You're a genius. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I am a genius and I mean this. My boy sneezes, allergy seizes, Jesus, give me a beat, give me a beat. Okay, wow. Give it up for Michael Kassah and Grace Poulin Smith, everybody! And when we come back, we will find out the truth behind Lantzfly, so don't go away. The candidates for November are set. I know Donald Trump's type. Between now and Election Day.

We are not going back. A campaign season unfolding faster. Kamela Harris is not getting a promotion than any in recent history. Make America Great Again. Follow it all with new episodes every weekday on the the Daily Show. There are a lot of conspiracy theories out there and I believe like 80% of them are true. Which is why we have a special segment that reveals the conspiracies you might have missed. Conspiracies, they're everywhere, or are they nowhere, Or is that exactly what they want you to think?

So that's where my wallet is. Well, for every they, there's a me. I'm Kevin Matthew Kelp. Follow me as I pull back the curtain to find the truth behind the curtain. This is Project Conspiracy. New York has been the victim of countless animal invasions. Apes, lizards, beetles. And now, there's a new invader wreaking havoc on New York, and it might just be the most dangerous one yet. The spotted lanternfly.

The invasion of the spotted lanternfly. They wreak havoc on more than 70 varieties of plants. The spotted lanternflies are everywhere. And once they stick, they breed quickly. Walk down any sidewalk in the city and you'll see them. A bug seemingly biologically engineered to be squished. Easy to spot. Dossile. With a slight crunch that tickles the ear. Damn it! Now I've killed my fair share of animals and every single time the officials

tell me to please leave the zoo. So why is it that this time the government agrees with me? That's so much poo. The state agricultural department want you to kill them. The officials are telling residents to stop and squash. If you see it, smash it. You can just hear that. from the flip-flops. It's really like so expensive.

As much as I love stomping the life out of things, any time I agree with the government, it means something isn't right. It's time to get to the bottom of this bugspiracy. Oh my God! Come! Lant! Lantern flies, where do they come from? Well the government claims they migrated from China. That's an obvious lie. China has to be at least 50 miles from New York. Way too far for a bug to fly.

Nice try, Deep State. But I'm not taking the bait. So the real question is who or what would stand to gain from continuously smashing... Ah! While seeking treatment for my battle wounds, suddenly I realized the answer, Pediatrists. Pediatrists. Podiatrists. Come on, there's always been something shady about podiatrists.

Podiatrists. Come on, there's always been something shady about podiatrists. A doctor just for your feet? That's like having a doctor only for your heart. Pupply doesn't make any sense. But if these guys were going to get rich, they would have to manufacture demand. Damn it. And the most obvious way to do that is to create a fake bug crisis, laundered to the American people th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, the the the the the the, the the the the, the the, the thiiiii, the thi, thi, thi, the the the the thi, the the the thi, their thi, their their thi, their thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaauiiiiiiiiiii, their, way to do that is to create a fake bug crisis laundered to the American people through the US government, enticing us to

walk directly into their offices. It's a plan so genius you almost have to respect it, but I don't. And now all I need is some proof that could bring these foot doctors to heal. That's a good one. I bet you're getting so many patients that have injured themselves from stomping on lanternflies. Must be a real gold mine for you. Uh, no, you're the first I've seen. Most people are able to gently step on them without injuring themselves. You know what?

Enough small talk. Where is it? Where are you breeding the lantern flies, huh? What's this? Oh, what's this? What's this? The foot of the last guy? Security?

You're never going to catch me. You're scure. You're shoot. going to catch me. Your security has never seen somebody move this fast. Be careful. You shoot. Hold up for something. Go ahead. Give it back. You're never going to catch me. But you're... You're not going to get my co-pit either. I'll see you in two weeks. From up here, it's easy to see the vastness of this conspiracy. Millions of feet, hunting down millions of lantern flies,

making millions of dollars for big foot. But now that I know the truth, I'm not going to be a part of it anymore. Guess one more can't hurt. Ah, gotcha. Oh, oh, oh. be at 4 days. The candidates for November are set. Between now and election day. We are not going back. The candidates for November are set. I know Donald Trump's type.

Between now and election day. We are not going back. A campaign season unfolding faster. Kamala Harris is not getting a promotion. Than any in recent history. Make America great again. Follow it all with new episodes every weekday on the the Daily Show. My guest tonight is a two-time WMBA champion who plays for the Las Vegas Aces. Please welcome Sydney Colson! Sorry, I'm so sorry. Oh, Sidney. Congratulations on another championship.

Thank you. Let's see. You're saying. Oh, you have Vegas fans everywhere. Oh, I know. Sadly, this is supposed to be Liberty Turf. Right. You know, I've been Liberty Gave.

We have Vegas fans everywhere. Sadly, this is supposed to be Liberty Turf. Right. You know, I've been Liberty Game. Oh, there's two. Uh, oh, oh, no. Uh, oh, no. Did you come here?

No, I'm sorry. Yes, actually. Talk that, talk. But actually, I don't we just got W fans here though. I appreciate that. Yes. Yeah. I was actually at that game and it was the highest rated game in the WNBA history. This season, people are actually watching the game, people coming out. Y'all are killing it. What does it feel like to be part of that movement?

We're now like, you're more visible and people really rock with the WNBA? It's incredible. I think about when I came in the league in 2011 and what it looked like them versus what these arenas will look like today and what, how many times we'll see players on commercials, on TV shows, on just a variety of things. There wasn't anything I ever expected to see in like my time that I was playing in like my times that I'm just....... I to to to th. I to th. I to to thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I to thi. I to to thi. I thi the thi. I thean theen theen the their the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. I their their. I their their their their their the. the. the. theann. theann. theann. theann. toeann. toeanann. today theann' theannnn' theann. like me doing it and killing it I was like I just got to keep working. Okay. Okay.

Now going in the game for you were down two star players and that's the game you had choice words for all the daughters. Oh yeah I think we have a clip. Okay. People wanted to count us out because we had two our starters down but they don't know we got some dogs on this the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the the the the the the the the the the to to to their. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the to. the the the the to. the the te. the the te. the te. te. te. te. te. to. to. to. to to to to. Okay. People wanted to count us out because we had two of our starters down, but they don't know we got some dogs on this team. So I got two words to say, night, night. Wow, wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

I mean, she got the ring the back. But do you feel you're one of the best trash talkers in the WMBA? When I tell you I'm not even a trash talker, I'm not. This particular moment blew up and it makes me look like such... Now I'm loving it. A dou-sback? I'm loving your villainer. I'm like, I didn't even know I would be in it, but I'm like, people, I'm trolling people at this point online, because I don't care, they're like, you only had two points. She's got two points, how's she on the daily show?

That's gonna be them. Yeah. Today. I mean, speaking to two points, it kind of got cooked on Twitter today by Asia. I know, right? It'd be your own teammates. And she tweeted in response to, LOL, O, L, O, L, O, L, O, CIN scores two points in game four thinks she's gonna get usher tickets.

Oh. Wow. You're gonna take that? I'm not gonna take that. I responded to and I know you saw that. Okay. Is this like playful rivalry, This is for sure. That, yes. It's like, we haven't seen that before in the WMBA. That's like even like the rivalry between the Liberty and you, but it's also you guys respect

each other on such a level. For sure. It's like when you got a sibling or you got cousins that you grew up with, like you rag on each other, you joke on each other, but you love them. You're now working on a new unscripted comedy series called the Sid the si. show. Are you trying to take my job? No, tell me about your show. So the log line is like two WMBA benchwormers who try to become the face of the league even though nobody asked them to. And it's just hilarious.

There's a lot of like man on the street type stuff. A few like sketches that we do, and us just, anybody who knows our personalities or have seen us like on the ACES social, I think they'll enjoy it. You gotta have me on. Oh, season two, we're hoping for it. Let's go, say last. Yes, come on. You're seeing a TV show and now streaming on FD-Woods Channel and FUBWT. We'll take a quick break, but we're right back after this. Sydney! You're just good there. I've got this. Between the today. We're not going back. The candidates for November are set.

I know Donald Trump's type. Between now and Election Day. We are not going back. A campaign season unfolding faster. Kamala Harris is not getting a promotion. than any in recent history. Make America great again. Follow it all with new episodes every weekday on the NPR Politics podcast. That's our show for tonight. But before we go, please consider supporting the Bronx defenders.

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The candidates for November are set. I know Donald Trump's type. Between now and Election Day. We are not going back. A campaign season unfolding faster. Kamela Harris is not getting a promotion. Then any in recent history. Make America great again. Follow it all with new episodes every weekday on the NPR Politics Podcast.