The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Mile High Meltdowns: Air Travel Failures

Episode Date: August 18, 2023

From flight delays, to cancellations, to mid-flight fights, there is always chaos in sky. Desi Lydic and Roy Wood Jr. discuss air travel in America and the recent failures of the FAA. Trevor weighs in on flight attendants not being paid during boarding, and Ronny Chieng gives airlines advice on how to make flying a less miserable experience.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show. It's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday?

I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. Hey, I'm Roywood Jr. and she's Desi Lydick. Roy, who's you doing? Oh, that's enough small talk. Let's get into it, Desi. Today, we're talking about air travel in America. I don't know about you, Dizzy, but I love flying, because honestly, there's nothing better than being trapped in a metal tube with 300 strangers

doing the pandemic and all of us praying that the pilot ain't too drunk to land this bitch. But I'd love that. Well, I'll be honest. I don't actually love that. first flight last weekend. This kid next to me cried the entire time, just screaming in my ear. I was like, I don't care you're my son. Mommy's trying to watch Zooling. It's right.

You gotta watch Zoo land on that flight. It's a classic. Tour to force. Let's show them out blue steel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have to do very little for that. I have like resting blue steel face.

Okay. And it's not just me, Roy. Air travel has gotten so bad recently that Congress has been forced to get involved. Senators Ed Markey and Richard Blumenthal introduced an airline's bill, to compensate flyers during airline cause delays and cancellations. The senators also want to limit fees for bags, seating, as well as for changes or cancellations. If passengers could receive $1,350 when ever their flight is delayed by four hours, I am guaranteeing you there'd be a lot fewer delays. Yeah, yeah, we could soon be getting an airline passenger's bill of rights. And if it's anything like the original bill of rights, we just have to wait another hundred years for it to apply to women and black people.

Yeah. You know, but that's great to hear, you know, and I gotta say, $1,300 is a lot of money. It's a lot of money. Especially if, if you can buy a $200 flight for a chance to win the grand, people are gonna be gambling at the airport. You can buy a cheap ticket and wait for the delay. The sky lounge gonna look like the off-track betting. Come on, Delta, give me that mechanical failure. Look. I, for one, am glad that they're finally doing something about the fees.

They've been nickel and diming us for years. Fees for baggage, fees to print a boarding pass. Now there's even fees for picking a seat. Like, what are you going to do if I don't pick a seat? How about I just stand the entire flight? I'll treat your damn airplane like it's a subway and stay stay and stay and stay and stay and stay and stay and stay and stay and stay and stay and their their their their the entire flight. I'll treat your damn airplane like it's a subway and stay in there break dancing and jerking off. That's true. I'll do it. That's true. I'll do it. Oh, oh, speaking of jerking off on the airplane. Go on. There's been a lot of reports lately of passengers stuck on the runway for hours and as

the laws of physics stated, when there's too much time to kill, white people bust out the acoustic guitars. Take me home, country road. One more time! Country road, take me home. Oh yeah. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Look, no one has ever been like,

you know what would make this delayed-ass flight better? Let's break out in a sing-along. Also, didn't the dude who wrote that song, didn't he die in a plane crash? How was plane crash? How was plane crash dude in charge of the anthem for air travel? How was he in charge of that? And I'm asking you, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that that that that would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would would that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's that, that, that, that, that, that, that travel? How was he in charge of that? And I'm asking you, because you're white. How is that possible?

Oh, I don't know, but I'll bring it up at the next white people meeting. But yeah, seeing John Denver on a flight is like tempting fate. Like I wouldn't watch Titanic on a cruise. I mean, yeah, I'll check out the tittie painting scene, butthat's it. And one of the big reasons air travel in this country is struggling is the FAA, or more commonly known as FAA. It's right. Fah is in a lot of trouble right now, because we're finding out how outdated some of these airports are. I mean, they're tracking flights with paper strips. They're not using computers. They're riding your flight on a paper strip and putting it up on the board. Arts and crafts! How are these planes not crashing all the time? Well

they're getting close. The FAA is forming a team of experts to examine flight safety after several recent close calls involving commercial planes. A FedEx Boeing 767 was about to land at Austin's international airport as a Southwest airline 737 was told to take off from the same runway. The two planes came within 100 feet of colliding in thick fog. It comes three weeks after another near collision at JFK, where a Delta Airlines flight abruptly stopped its takeoff as an American Airlines flight taxied across the runway in front of it.

Delta, 1943 canceled takeoff plans. A midair scare in December just recently came to light. A United Airlines plane, departing Maui, took a nose dive, plummeting more than 1,400 feet in about 20 seconds, coming within 7,77 feet of of the the the the the the the the the the the t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. tap-a tap-a, tape, tape, tape, abruptly tape, abruptly tape, abruptly tape, abruptly tape, abruptly totlape, abruptly totl, abruptly tape, abruptly tape, abruptly tape, abruptly tape, abruptly tape, abruptly tape, abruptly tape, abruptly tape, abruptly abruptly abruptly abruptly abruptly abruptly abruptly abruptly abruptly abruptly abruptly abruptly abruptly tape, abruptly tape, abruptly tape, abruptly tape, abruptly tape, abruptly tape, t. t. t. t. t. t departing Maui took a nose dive, plummeting more than 1,400 feet in about 20 seconds, coming within 775 feet of the Pacific Ocean. Flames shooting out from under the wing of a Delta plane traveling from Scotland to New York. Forced to make an emergency landing, Delta blames a mechanical issue. Yeah. No shit. Look, I'm not an engineer this. I'm not an engineer. But if the wing is on fire, that looks like a mechanical issue. Yeah. And also, oh my God, can you imagine dying in a plane crash on the runway?

Like, if I'm dying in a plane, I'd better be in the air. Otherwise, I'm just going all the way through TSA just to die in a car crash. That's terrible. To add insult to injury, now you did and you don't have your full-size shampoo. You know what, Roy, these incidents make me think that we need a new passenger bill of rights. Article 1, airlines should not kill you. Article 2. Article 2, if they do kill you, you get $1,300.

Article 3, get rid of the paper strips, or at least laminate them. It's the 20th century. It's the 21st century. It's the 21st century. It's the 21st century. Article 4. If more children on flights. What about your kid? Especially my kid. No more children on flights. Get them off.

Works for me? Thanks for chatting, Desi. John Stewart here. Unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, the weekly show. We're going to be talking about the election, economics, ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. Flight attendants in America have complained about, well, two things. One, idiots who press the call button when they meant to turn on the lights, and two, the way they get paid.

Well, now, finally, Delta Airlines is taking care of one of those issues. Flight attendants with Delta will soon be getting paid a little bit more money. The airline says it'll now start paying cabin crews during boarding. Up until now, flight attendants did not start getting paid until the passengers were seated, and the planes doors closed. That was the moment that their pay started. Delta says the change will start June 2nd as the company faces the possibility of its more than 20,000 flight attendants

forming their own union. The change could increase some attendance wages by several thousand dollars every year. Yeah, believe it or not, flight attendants in America do not get paid during the boarding process. Which is crazy. Just think about, you're at work, doing work. But your bus is like, nah, this is your free time. What? I only pay you when the doors are closed. That's wild. It also sucks for flight attendants on Spirit Airlines, because they don't even have doors. What do they do? Do they work for free?

How does that shit work? Because here's the thing, people, the boarding process is not easy. If anything, they should be getting paid extra for that part. You've got to deal with passengers who suddenly don't know how numbers work. Does 23 come before 24? And what number is J? And then on top of that they have to deal with our bags that never fit. Yeah, and by the way, can I ask you, why do the bags never fit? the bags never fit? No, honest question, why do they never, it's called an overhead? their bag? the, they're, don't fit into the overhead. their thinneigh. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. thin. thin. thin. thoe. their their their their thoe. thi. their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their their their their. their their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. toe. toe. toe. toea. toea. toea. toooooooooo. tea. tea. tea. to. toda. toda. toea. today. toea. their their, because now I'm the idiot blocking the traffic and like everyone's looking at me,

no one's getting paid, and I'm like, I swear, the store said it would fit in the overhead. There's none of them, they're like an idiot. I'm not an overhand bag, but they're not, that's what the an idiot. By the way, did you notice how Delta suddenly said it was going to change this rule only after they learned that flight attendants are trying to form a union? Yeah. Interesting timing. Hmm? Yeah. It was like that Marjorie Taylor Green moment. Oh, oh, oh, you mean that, a union. Yeah. Nothing yeah. Yeah, nothing scares these giant airlines more than Unions. Like, if someone yelled bomb in an airport and someone else yelled,

union! They honestly wouldn't know who to tackle first. And I'm going to give these flights attendants a lot of credit, because let me tell you something, man. People fly all the time. You see these people working hard, but I didn't, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, te.o, te.o. their, te. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the time you see these people working hard but I didn't know that they weren't getting paid while the play you did I don't know that they're really patient people if I was working for free during the whole boarding process I would have been way less friendly than yo I would have been in that airport like Hey, all right, zone one, zone one. Get the hell up on the plane right now. Hurry up, I'm trying to get pain. Move, move, move, move, move. Move your dumb ass, put the thing on the thing there, man.

And I swear, I swear, if any of you broke-ass zone four, I'm even trying to get in line right now, I will zone 4, sit down, you know who you is! It seems like right now, some of the biggest failures at returning to society are happening on airplanes. After a year of staying at home, you would think that people would be happy to just get on a plane, eat their pretzels, and take the world's most painful nap. But instead, people are turning airplanes into their own personal rage rooms. With air travel on the rise nationwide,

so too are violent incidents, both in the airport and in midair. Assaults on flight attendants are skyrocketing. They say they've been pushed, punch, slapped, even choked by unruly passengers. The FAA usually handles 150 incidents of unruly passengers in a year. So far this year, there have been 2,500 cases. American Airlines is holding off on bringing full alcohol service back on their planes, for some. The company's extending that suspension until at least September 13th after incidents involving unruly passengers and other airlines. The airline still is going

to allow alcohol sales for first class and for business class cabins. I'm sorry. First class gets booze, but economy doesn't. And they think that's going to end the violence? Did no one at American airlines see Snow Piercer? If they really want to stop fights, they think that's going to end the violence? Did no one at American Airlines see Snowpiercer? If they really want to stop fights, they shouldn't get rid of alcohol. They should make you drink until you pass out for the rest of the flight. Yeah, you either get zero shots or 14. There's no in between.

But the real issue is that people are getting into fights on airplanes. Guys, this is the last place in the world that you should be fighting. And given how tight space is an economy, I'm even surprised that it's possible. Do you know how much effort you have to put into actually throwing a punch in coach on a plane? What did you say to me? What? Man, I'm a kick your ass. Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I just, thrown. to me, thr we land and you get up and I get up and we got the bags and we, I'm gonna kick your ass. I'm, excuse me, let me just get back, I'm, excuse me,

although the truth is, some people are just assholes who want to fight. And let's be honest, you're never gonna get rid of them. So maybe, just maybe, the better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better the better better better better better better better better better better better better better the better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better the better the better the better solution is to just find a way to put them all in the same place. Do you want to travel and take out your pent-up pandemic aggression on customer service employees? Hell yeah you do! But society won't let you punch a flight attendant. Until now. Introducing throwdown air. The only airline with no rules on your behavior or ours. Our flight attendants are trained in MMA,

popped up on junk meth and ready to fuck you up. Can I interest you in some peanuts, crackers, or cookies? Then come and get him, fat boy. Other airlines don't want you to bring weapons on board. At throw down air? You have to. And if you knock out the air, you have to. And if you knock out the pilot, then congrats. You're the new pilot.

Either way, once we're in the air, we're not landing until everyone on board is bleeding out. On other airlines, the flight attendants would tell me to put my face mask on. But at throw down air, they just shoved one down my throat and body slam me into the beverage cart. Thanks, throw down air. So if you're an asshole who assaults people doing their jobs, then fly the airline for people just like you. Throwdown air. Once the wheels are up, the shit goes down. Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly

Show, it's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting, you'll be saying to yourself, TGID, thank God it's Thursday we're going to be talking about. All the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me, the election. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative.

Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. Ever since United Airlines got in trouble for upgrading a passenger to wrestling class, people have started paying close attention to how airlines treat customers. There have been many viral videos of crazy stuff that's happening on airplanes. In fact, they're thinking about starting an airlines for World Star Airlines, right? And basically what happens is you're just going to choose your section, first-class economy or McDonald's parking lots, and then if they have an emergency, phones drop down from the ceiling

so that you can film yourself. Ah, World Star! For more on the trends in travel. We turn to senior travel correspondent, Ronnie Chang, everybody. Thank you. Thanks, Trevor. Look, flying sucks, right? It's always sucked, but back in the day we just couldn't record how much it sucked. Now with camera phones, we can relive those terrible moments forever.

This Delta pilot was actually caught hitting a passenger. Apparently trying to break up a fight between two passengers and a jetway. American immediately suspended a flight attendant, who allegedly ripped thed thed thed thed thed thed thri-a thript a thripped thripped thripped thripped thripped thripped thripped thripped thripped thrived thrived thi, look thi, look thi, look t. Looked t. Looked trived, look theat theat, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look. Thanks, look, look, look, look, look. Thanks, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look. Look. Look, look, look, look, look, look. Look. Look. Look. Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look t, look t, look t, look t, look t, look t, look t, look the-thea, look thea, look thea, look, look, look, look, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, the-up. Thanks, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, trying to break up a fight between two passengers and a jetway. American immediately suspended a flight attendant who allegedly ripped a stroller away from the mother nearly striking the child in the process. Hey, Bud, you do that to me and I'll knock you flat. Another disturbing airline incident caught on camera. Two passengers throwing punches at each other. The man in red yelled, you think I'm crazy? The government is crazy. No, dude, you're crazy. All right? Who fights in a Hawaiian shirt?

He's like the angriest guy at the lua. Why is that no umbrella in my Pina-calada? And what is this? Is this a new pre-flight routine? Here's your seat belt? All right, now let's keep up off off off off off off off off off off off off off off off off off off off off off off off the their their their their their routine? Here's your seatbelt, here the exits. All right, now let's keep up off the belt, everybody. All right, what's your good clean fight? You think Detroit is tough? Try being in boarding zone five.

Come on, people, we can't just keep fighting each other on airplanes. We have to come togetherthe scorpion suddenly dropped from an overhead bin, landing on a passenger's head. Why are we fighting desert animals in the sky? Okay, look, if a bird picks a fire with me, okay, maybe, right? But a scorpion, no, I'm not mentally prepared for that. And the worst part is when a scorpion stings me, I won't have the antid because it's more than three ounces. Yeah. Right. So now I'm dead like this rabbit. United Airlines is dealing with another PR nightmare following the death of a giant rabbit. They've come up a statement that the safety and well-being of all the animals that travel with us is of the utmost importance to United Airlines.

What makes matters worse was that Simon was a promising rabbit. At 129 centimeters long, his father, Darius, holds the Guinness World Records for being the biggest rabbit. Thanks a lot, United. You killed the yow-ming of rabbits. Seriously, this is a professionally big rabbit. It's like first ballot hall of fame rabbit. Jesus, Ronnie, I fly, but I didn't realize flying have gotten so bad, man. Is there anything that the airlines can do?

Well, I'm glad you asked, Trevor, okay? First of all, hey, airlines, stop overbooking flights, okay? Yeah! This is what you do, okay? You count the seats on your plane, and then you sell that number of tickets. That's it. Sorry, is that too difficult to understand? Okay, second thing.

We don't need 20 websites searching each other for cheapest flights, okay? Just have one website, call it the cheapest flights. That's it. We go there, we get the cheapest flights. And if there's a delay, they should pay us. Okay, that's how it works. And if we crash in the ocean, we need knives under our seats. Otherwise, we're just seeing there like chicken-muggets for sharks. You know, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, the they, if they, if they, if they, if they, if they, if the th, and if th, and if th, and if th, th. th. th. th. the the the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. the, the, gets for sharks. You know, Ronnie, actually, speaking of helping this, I read that Congress is having hearings today and Congress is going to figure out a way to make a passenger bill of rights. Great, Congress is in charge of airlines. Next time I go home, I'm driving. Explore more shows from the Daily Show from the Daily Show podcast by searching the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcast.

Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show. It's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking

about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast.