The Daily Show: Ears Edition - NASA Sends Nudes | Mike Massimino On Adventures in Space

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

Here's a collection of the best stories from out of this world, like why NASA leaves space junk on Mars and sends nudes to aliens. And Former NASA Astronaut Mike Massimino shares his challenging journey to becoming a NASA astronaut and the lessons that led to his book “Moonshot: A NASA Astronaut’s Guide to Achieving the Impossible” and his thoughts on the existence of intelligent life in the galaxy.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official survivor podcast on fire. And this season we are joined by fan favorite and Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie, Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here, and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire the official survivor podcast starting September 18th wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. For decades humans have been trying to not only find other planets for us to destroy but also intelligent life for us to colonize. And we've tried everything.

We sent out deep space probes. We sent out radio waves. In the 50s, we sent like a bunch of dogs and monkeys for some reason. But now, after decades of no luck, NASA has decided to take things up a notch. NASA's scientists plan to send pictures of naked humans into space hoping to catch the attention of aliens.

Nudes will come with an invitation to respond. Pictures aren't graphic, just a drawing of a naked man and a woman next to a picture of DNA. NASA revealed this as part of a project called Beacon in the Galaxy to send a message to any alien civilizations. Okay. First things first. They've got to hire more women over at NASA because only dudes would think the best way to

introduce yourself is with unsolicited nudes. Hey, aliens, you up there? What are we doing? Those aliens are going to be really upset that they turned on their airdrop for everyone in the galaxy What are we doing? Those aliens are going to be really upset that they turn on their airdrop for everyone in the galaxy. But also, but also, but also, if you are going to send nudes, why would you send these nudes? Let me tell you something, man, if I was an alien, no way in hell, I'm coming to this planet. Like, if someone sent me these nudes and they said, hey, you up, I'll be like, I am so far from up.

I'm in a coma. I will never be up again. I mean, look at this thing. I mean, look at this thing. It feels like you're sex. Look at that shit. Think about what we say. Either this planet has zero technology, because this is how they draw themselves, or this is how they actually look. Either way, I'm not coming.

I'm not coming. That's a terrible thing to say. Like maybe if I was like a 13-year-old alien. I could make to aliens. If we want aliens to get interested, don't send them an Etch-A Sketch drawing. Send them coupons for only fans. Come on, man. Get them in the game. And you know, honestly,

even if the aliens are interested, I think we've got to be careful. This is sending the wrong idea about us into the galaxy. Just imagine for a second. The very first thing we th th th th th th thing we we we we we we we th th th th th th th th th th very first thing we sent to aliens is naked photos? What, are we only trying to make contact with the horniest aliens in the universe? Yeah, no wonder every time they abduct someone they probe their butts. We're sending up the wrong vibe. You understand how scary this is? You know what's going to happen?

The aliens are going to get here, and they're just going to expect to smash immediately. Yeah. And then they're going to be disappointed. Yeah, imagine if someone you've never even met before texted you nudes and then you go there and they're like, cool, now that you're here, I want to introduce you to Jo Biden. That is the worst catfishing ever. They'll blow up our planet just for that. Come, you'll the old, horny, the old, thony, thony, thony, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, and tho, and th. You th. You th. You' th. You' th. You' th. And then, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thin, thin, thin, thi. And, tho. And, thin, tho. And, tho. And, thin, tho. And, tho. And, thi. And, th Now we're in trouble. Yeah, the only way that would work out is if the aliens come and Trump is president. Yeah. No, no, no, because if there's one thing I'll tell you about Trump, he'd f-fix shit out of those aliens. It'd be like, I don't know what they have down there, but I'm grabbing it. I'm grabbing it. I'm grabbing it. I'm grabbing it. I'm grabbing it. Come come coming. Come come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come, come. Come, come. Come, come. Come, come. Come, come. Come, come, come, come, come, come, come. Come, come. Come, come. Come, come. Come, come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come. Come, come. Come, come, come. Come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, comethat this only reaches the horny aliens. Because you actually hope, we actually should hope that this only reaches the horny aliens. Because you realize how offensive this is going to be, if it just ends up in front of a normal alien, they are going to be so pissed off.

Sheila! Sheila! Those earth permits left pornography on the Lord! Yes, I'm sure it's not my pornography! You know I wouldn't be yanking my floor flex to a drawing of two hellless monkeys. Yeah, I mean, one doesn't even have a nose, Sheila. Come on, you know what I'm into and it's not this crap. Plus, I don't need pornography. I only need you.

You know, I love you, baby. I love you, Sheila. For decades now, humans have been obsessed with trying to get to Mars. Why? Well, we just want to see what it's like. It's not like there's anything wrong with Earth. We just want to see what's going on out there. You know? Yeah, it's the same way your dad is currently looking for apartments. The marriage is fine.

He just needs a place to hang. The important thing is that it's not your fault. Anyway, the point is, humans are desperate to find out everything we can about Mars. Did it use to have water? Can it support life? Can it be gentrified? And now, thanks to NASA, we've discovered something amazing on the red planet. NASA says its ingenuity Mars helicopter recently discovered and surveyed the debris from the agency's perseverance rover mission on Mars one year ago. NASA photos show both the parachute that helped the rover land on Mars as well as the cone-shaped back shell that protected it during its fiery descent toward the Martian surface on February 18th, 2021. NASA says being able to look at some of the components that enabled the rover to get safely to the Martian surface could provide valuable insights for future missions. That's NASA's big discovery on Mars is some garbage that they left there?

Why are you kidding? That's NASA's big discovery on Mars is some garbage that they left there? Why are you announcing? What do you do? Like, I expect this shit from a five-year-old, not the greatest space agency in the world. Look, mommy, I found your poop in the toilet. That's your poop, you're a-foo-idiot! How is NASA proud that we left trash on Mars?

Think about that, huh? If anything, we should be embarrassed. The first thing we do on another planet is litter? I mean, I guess it's good to set expectations early, but still, guys. Can you imagine what the Martians think of us right now? Sheila! Sheila! The two-legged freaks came back again and left war trash. I swear to Glorp, if they move here, we're going to Venus. Yeah, I don't care if it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's th it's th it's th it's th it's to to to to to to to to to th. It's to to to to to to to the. It's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to that's. I's th. I's th. I's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the theat theat theat theat theat the theat theat theat. Weeat. Wea. We're theate. We're the. It's to Glorp if they move here we're going to Venus. Yeah I don't care if it's further from your sister. At least it doesn't have these shaved monkeys showing up and leaving their shit on our lawn. I would love some teeth

thank you honey. Blasting off just got a whole new meaning. Listen to this NASA scientists are researching the behavior of sperm in space. They sent samples aboard the Falcon 9 rocket last week. Scientists want to know whether humans would be able to reproduce in microgravity. Wow, NASA is experimenting with space sperm. That's one small step for man, one giant load of mankind. Yeah, I think we finally got to the bottom of what those ink blotches were in arrival. Yeah, those aliens were literally coming in peace.

That's all they were doing. They were communicating with us. And now, NASA says that this is the first sperm in space, right? And I bet every dude astronaut is like, yeah, yeah, first, yeah, come on, and men have been in space for almost 60 years now. There's no ways in hell, this is the first space sperm. You put a dude in a hotel room,

within five minutes, he's jacked off twice. You know these guys were in the space station, as soon as they got, they're just like, they're just like, they're just like, they're just like, they're just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, their, their, their, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, thoom, thoom, th, th, th, th, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, this is this is this is thi, this is thi, thi, thi, thi.e.e.e., thi.e. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, as soon as they got there just like, oh, oh. Honestly, I think NASA needs to slow its role because I don't know if you realize this. Just consider how all of this looks if you're an alien. First humans send up telescopes to creepily watch them from a far, right? And then we sent up mixed tapes, and then we sent up nudes, and now we're sending sperm. Like at this point, it just feels like we're sexually harassing aliens. That was what it feels like. I wouldn't be surprised if our first contact was the aliens coming down and just saying, hey,

take a hint. We're not interested. HASHTAG ME too. HASHTG Streaming soon on Paramount Plus. This is Dr. Frazier Crane. I'm listening. He's back again. Hey, Dad, I got a question about punctuation. Oh! No, stay on task. And he's more Frazier than ever.

How do I look? Rich? Just what I was going for. Oh my God, they traded your baby for wine! Do you really think we would trade John for white Zinfandel? Or any wine? Frazier, new season streaming September 19th on Paramount Plus. Welcome back to the Daily Show. My guest tonight is a former NASA astronaut and New York Times best-selling author who's here to talk about his latest book, Moonshot, a NASA astronaut's guide to achieving the impossible. Please am a huge space nerd. Okay, I am a huge space nerd, okay? I am a huge space nerd, okay? So my, most of my tattoos are space-nered. Okay? So my, most of my tattoos are space-related, from Voyager 1 on.

I knew when I was backstage that I needed to like, come up with very smart and. So, my, my, my, that. the ta. to like, to like, like, my, my, to to to to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the to, the the the the the the to me, very, very, very, to to, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very. I, very. I, very. I, very. I, very, very, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, to to to to to to to to to to, to to to, to to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the the the the the the the to, to, the the to, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the knew when I was backstage that I needed to like come up with very smart engaging questions for you cool you've been to space twice and so I wrote a bunch of them down but I just got to ask you how cool it is to go to space yeah it's pretty cool yes it's pretty cool yes It's good cool I would say the coolest part though of it was getting a chance of spacewalk. You know, it's pretty cool inside the spaceship. You're doing some work and looking out the window, floating around, it's kind of cool.

But you go outside in a spacesuit. Now the whole world opens up to you. You can see the planet and how beautiful it is. And when I first saw the planet from a spacewalk, you can kind of see it as an entirety, you see the curvature of it, and I thought to myself it's so beautiful. It's more beautiful than human eyes can withstand. I shouldn't be looking at this. And I actually turned my head, don't look at it. And then I said, you idiot, of course you're supposed to look at it. What else? I looked again? And I just got overcome, I just got overcome, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm a too, I'm a too, I'm a beautiful their their their thi. thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm more beautiful thi, I'm thoomoomoomoomathea, I'm more beautiful thoom, I'm more beautiful thoom, I'm more beautiful thoom, I'm more beautiful thoom, I'm more beautiful thoing thoing thoing thoing tho tho tho thi, I'm more beautiful thi, I'm more beautiful thi, I'm more beautiful thi, I'm more beautiful thi, I'm beautiful thi, I'm a beautiful thi, I'm a beautiful thi, I'm a beautiful thr-a, I'm a thr-auuiauiauiauiauiauia. thiauiauiauiauia. thia, I'm thi. thi. I'm to tear up a little bit, Cal, and then I got petrified because if you introduced water into your spacesuit, it could cause a problem, and there would be an investigation, and I have to admit that I was crying. And there's no crying in space.

Your friends will make fun of you. But the third time I looked at the thought that went through my which was, this is what heaven must look like. I think we're living in an absolute paradise. You can also see the thinness of the atmosphere. You're trying about global warming. You know, that atmosphere, that thin line, if you think of the earth as an onion, that top thin layer of the onion is the size relationship of our atmosphere you look the other direction, you see the earth here, and you look out here, and you see the darkness, kind of cool, you see star. We checked out the neighborhood, man. We got no way to go. We've got to make this planet work.

When you're, I mean, when you're up there, look, you, I mean, you gave me chills when you're talking about that. When you look at the world when, I, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, I, when, when, I, I, I, I, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, we's, we's, we's, we. the, we. the, we, we. the, we, we. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, to. to. to. to. too, too, too. too. too. to. to. to like you only focused on the beauty. Yeah, absolutely, because I think you see the earth the way it's supposed to be seen from that vantage point. You just you just see a beautiful creation. And I have the sense, I really do believe we're living in a paradise. Now, people will mess it up. We do lots of bad things to each other and there's a lot of bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad thapapapapapapapapapapapapapap an th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, tho, that their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, that, that, that, that, that, that. thr-I. thoooan, thoan, thoan, thooan, their their, their, their, their, their, their to each other and there's a lot of bad stuff going on. But I think there is that possibility for happiness and love and beauty and we should try to remember that every day. Every day I try to remember that view and apply it here on Earth. You know whether I'm on the New York City subway or I'm looking at the ocean, you know wherever it is, there's beauty everywhere.

There's beauty everywhere. I was reading this, you got rejected from the NASA space program three times. Did you have a plan that at a certain point you were going to give up or how did you persevere through it? No, I'd still be trying now. I think, I don't think, I was at first, so NASA puts out a call for astronaut applications every couple years. They still do that for those who are interested. The first time I applied I got a letter back a call a call a call a call a call a call a call a call a call a call a call a call a call a call a call a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for to to to to to to to their for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call for a call.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It.that for those who are interested. The first time I applied, I got a letter back that said no. Right? I applied again, and I got another letter back a few years after that first time that said no

with an exclamation point. I kept try, third time I got an interview. So the interview is not just an interview, but it's alsoqualified because of my eyesight. I couldn't pass the medical exam, the eye exam. And it was pretty disheartening because once you're disqualified, they said they wouldn't even read my application again. And they didn't accept any medical procedures, but I found out about vision training. So little kids, when their eyes are still developing,

if they have eye issues, they can go through their eye muscles and their vision. And I made an appointment with them, an optometrist. And she sees me sitting in a chair. And she goes, you know, I never worked with an adult. And I said, Dr. Hopping, I can be so immature, you won't know the difference. Please, I begged her to help me. And she did, and I was able to pick up a couple lines just so I could try. So I'd still be going at it now. That's awesome. You know, when I was in seventh grade, I went to space camp, I was the shuttle commander at space camp, I wanted to be an astronaut, and then they told me there the whole vision thing at the time. At the time. I wore contact lenses. So I was like, oh, I guess I can't be a the stant. And then later, I they. I th. I th. I th. I was, I was, I was like, I was like, I was like, oh, I was like, I was like, oh, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was, I was, I was, I was the shuttle. I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was the shuttle. I was the shuttle, I was the shuttle, oh, I was the shuttle, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I was the shuttle, oh, oh, I was the shuttle, I was the shuttle, oh, I was the shuttle, oh, oh, I was the shuttle, oh, oh, oh, I was the shuttle, oh, oh, oh, oh, I was the shuttle, oh, oh, oh, I was the shuttle, I was the shuttle, I was the shuttle, I was the shuttle, I was the shuttle, I was the other part of it. You should never let things stop you from at least trying those. That's true. That's why I'm here.

Yeah, you know, I picked the different, you know the rules. There you go. You recently, I think, commended Congress for investigating UFOs, or at least sort of reporting on all that. Whenever I see these stories on TV, I feel like everybody just thinks thiiiiiiiiiii thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that's, that's, that's that's that's that's that's, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you that's, you that's, you that's, you that's, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's, you, I feel like everybody just thinks of like aliens coming down here, right? Yeah. And no one ever talks about the difference between life that seems to exist, Drake equation and all of that out there versus intelligent life and the possibility that intelligent life could have visited us. Can you walk us through what each of those things are and why there's so much hype around it? I think, well, the congressional thing? th.. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the, th. the, the, the, the, th. th. th. th. the, th. the, the, the th. the t. the the to. the the toda. the. th. th. the well, the congressional thing, what NASA's been doing is looking into UAPs. There used to be UFOs. I kind of like UFO, right?

But now they're UAP, unidentified aerial phenomenon. And so they put together a pretty good committee on that. Very reputable people. And they came up with the finding that about 95% of the sightings can be explained, but there there there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's their their their their their their not, but their not, but their not, but their still, but their still, but their still still still still still still still still still still still not their not, but their not, but their, but their, but their, but they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. I I I I I I I I I I I I I... I I I's, right.. I's, right. I's, their. I's, their. And their, their, their, their, their their, their their their their th. So. So, their their their their th. So, their their th. So, their th. And, right, their their, right, there's still that 5% we don't know what it is. That doesn't mean it's ET coming to visit. You know, it's probably a weather phenomenon or maybe some other aircraft they don't recognize or a drone or something. So I think it's good to try and try to find out what that 5% of whatever they don't know is yet that's flying around here. The the intelligent life versus the signs of life. The intelligent life is is like is like is like is like is like is like is like is like is like is like is like life is like their life is like. their life is like. their life is like. their life is like. their their their life is like. It's like their their their their their their their their their their their they they they they're like they're like they're like they're like they're like they're like they. they're like they're like they're like they're like they're like they're they're they're they're they's like they's like they's like they's like they's like. they's like. they's like. they's like. they's like. they's like. they's like. they's like. they's like. they's like. they's like. they're they're like. their. their. they. they. they. they. they. they're they. they're they. they're they have the ability to go that far to find anybody. So they got to come find us. We need, you know, they need, whoever it is, they've got to come and find us. I think that, you know, they'll probably happen. thea. thea. the thau. the thau. to the, th th th th th th th th th the th th th th th th the th. th. th. the th. the th. th. th. th. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. th. th. th. tha. the day. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the day, the day, the day, the day, the day. th. th. th. th. th. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. thae. thae. thae. thae. thae. thae. thae. thae. thae. thae. thae. system, some of the moons that are out there around Jupiter, we thought they were just frozen blocks of ice. What we find is that they're warmer than we expected and there's probably oceans underneath that ice and we think that life thii.

We think that life thea that life, the oceans here on our planet, so who knows what, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, is their, is their, is their, is their, is is their, is is their, is is their, is is is their, being that close to us, I think gives us hope that there's probably somebody else out there. There are billions of galaxies with billions of stars in each, most of which have multiple planets orbiting around those stars. I think, I can't imagine we're the only ones here in the universe, but we still haven't found each other yet. That's really exciting. I'd be very exciting when that happens. That's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's excited when that happens. That's going to be big news.

I wanted to ask you, huge news. I mean, I was secretly just hoping you roll in here like, all right, let me tell you something. No, I don't have anything. No, I wish I could. No, I'd have nothing like that. Oh, that's fine. one up. You know, I think it's gonna, we're gonna find out about it. We'll know what we know. I agree. Mike Massa Mastrino everybody. Oh, thank you. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever

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