The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Project: Conspiracy

Episode Date: August 1, 2023

Kevin Matthew Kelp (a.k.a. Michael Kosta) investigates conspiracy theories including ice cream trucks and the secret weapon that is the ice cream jingle, are fruit stickers tracking fruit, or are they tracking...you?, and he goes undercover to reveal the truth behind the government’s biggest secret: the sewage system.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart here, unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, The Weekly Show, we're gonna be talking about the election, economics, ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. If you've spent any time online at all, you know that there are conspiracy theories about everything. The CIA killed Tupac. Paul Rod is immortal.

The Moonlanding faked us. But those are just the obvious ones, which is why we have a special segment that reveals the conspiracies you never even knew existed. Conspiracies, they're everywhere, or are they nowhere. Or is that exactly what they want you to think? So that's where my wallet is. Well for every they, there's a me. I'm Kevin Matthew Kelp.

Follow me as I pull back the curtain to find the truth behind the curtain. This is Project Conspiracy. Everywhere we go, vehicles are spying on us. Cop cards, unmarked vans, roller coasters. But what if I were to tell you there was another kind of vehicle monitoring Americans right underneath our noses. Or should I say our mouths? I'm talking about ice cream trucks. The classic all-American ice cream truck. Seems like just an innocent way to get a tasty

treat until you do some digging. Meet Harry Burt, inventor of the ice cream truck. In 1923, he patented his creation with, you guessed it, the U.S. government, aka the people monitoring us so closely they even know my social security number. So why did Burt team up with Big Brother? I'll tell you why. Because of the massive amount of intel these spy... Cream trucks can gather in plain sight. Foot traffic patterns, snacking habits. A third thing I'll figure out later.

All they needed was the perfect cover. The ice cream. Brain freeze. Oh, oh! It's time to figure out what exactly these trucks are up to. One chocolate at a Claire bar? Or did you already know that? Uh, no. Actually make it too. I'm really hungry and I'm getting ready to do a steak out. Wait, not for you though. $10.

$10. $10. Okay, I hope you got what you were looking for, Mr. Ice Cream, man. This is $30. Don't. Don't. My interaction with the ice cream Gestapo seemed normal. All too normal. So I kept watching for hours, fighting the temptation to get more ice cream and only succumbing all of the time.

Why couldn't I resist this truck? That's when I realized their most dangerous weapon. D-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-a. The song. It's the song. Duh. Duh. Duh. The song. It's the song. Hey. You spying on kids, you pervert? No, I mean, kind of, but...

Hey! It was never just the ice cream. The truck siren song was its secret weapon the whole time. And I'm gonna prove it. Hey, where's the ice cream? Oh, I don't have any. I was just proving a theory and it worked, so, thank you. Give us the f-eas cream. Run, run, do it! Run! Do it! So, thank you. Give us the f-e-ice cream. Run, run, do it!

Go! Wow! Music has long been a psychological tool for deep state forces like the CIA, the radical left, and chilies, convincing ordinary citizens to confess, to vote, and to eat against their own self-interest. Ah, these kids, man. These kids are tough. But if I'm ever going to get the real scoop on this musical conspiracy, I need to go inside the belly of the beast. Let's go. So, this is where everything happens and this is the ice cream trucks.

Okay, ma'am, I'm ready for the job interview, so. You know we don't make you dress like that anymore, right? So where do you turn on the mind control song? Excuse me, the ice cream totally normal, the jingle? So, you're some sort of undercover conspiracy reporter? How do you know that? Who do you work for? You put it on your resume. You know, that's a typo.

The whole job description? Yeah. Yeah. I've been made. Abort. Abort. Abort. Oh, God. Come on been made, abort, abort. Abort. Oh, God, come on.

So, do you not want the job? Clearly, whatever deep state agency is behind these trucks will stop at nothing to stop me from stopping them. But don't worry, resistance is possible. Thanks to these noise-cancelling headphones, the only thing I'll be hooked on is the sweet taste of freedom. Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, it's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting, you'll be saying to yourself, TGID, thank God it's Thursday we're going to

be talking about. All the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second.

I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. A lot of the most well-known conspiracies are about what goes into our bodies, fluoride, microchips, spiders, the Chinese sent to crawl into our mouths while we sleep. But there might be one government spyware that we've all been overlooking. That's right. Fruit.

Let's go. Look, every single piece of fruit has a sticker on it. Apples. Pairs. Whatever these are. Even the pineapples. Oh, God! These fruit stickers were everywhere.

These fruit stickers were everywhere. But they weren't the fun kind that say things like grape job or I love you Barry much. Instead, they were filled with mysterious numerical codes. Granny Smith. How do they know my grandmother's last name? I tried everything I could to crack this conspiracy. I listed every number I could think of even seven. But it was no use. The codes were unbreakable. If I was ever going to blow this conspiracy wide open, I'd have to go

undercover. I love fruit. I just love buying fruit. I just love buying fruit. Just an ordinary guy buying lots of fruit. You know, you're probably wondering why I'm buying so much fruit. It's because I'm having a fruit party later. Okay. Unfortunately, you can't come, so. Okay. Yeah.

Hey, I did notice that on all the fruit they have these stickers. You don't know what that's about, do you? Um, I guess so they can track the fruit thrapapfrap admitted it, run! Who are you talking to? Oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god. Oh my god. Okay, so thanks to my espionage skills, we've established that the codes are used for tracking. But now it's time to find out answers by hacking the deep state. Meet the IFPS, aka the

International Federation for Produce Standards, aka a secret global cabal because I've never heard of it before. And guess what? They're in cahoots with the FDA, aka the government. The FDA regulates the adhesives on these stickers and they just so happen to be the FDA, aka the government. The FDA regulates the adhesives on these stickers and they just so happen to be the same shadow organization that recommends you eat three to four servings of fruit every day. An amount of fruit so ridiculous that anyone who's tried to do it has probably consumed two to three stickers without even realizing it. Are these stickers tracking the fruit? Or maybe they're tracking.

Ew. So is the government really trying to trick us into eating stickers? Something every teacher from kindergarten through college told me not to do? There's only one way to find out. Let's see if my stomach can handle the truth. Should I go with an apple. It was immediately clear that eating the sticker turned me into a walking GPS for the government. Everywhere I went I was being followed by Big Brother. The police watched my every moon. Secret agents pretended to read newspapers. Hey, not so sneaky with your special spy gadget now, are you?

The evidence couldn't be clear. The FDA is tracking us through fruit stickers. More like the food and deceit administration. That's actually pretty good. I should write that down. God, where do you come up with the stuff, the food and deceit administration. That's actually pretty good. I should write that down. God, where'd he come up with the stuff, Kevin? Ah! Yeah! And now that I've uncovered the truth, I can't be a part of this corrupt sticker system anymore. And luckily, I don't need the FDA and their spy fruit because some of the best fruit actually is regulated by mother nature. Oh yeah.

It tastes like freedom. Yeah. It's a little funky. Okay. It burns a little. Well, uh-huh. on sandwiches. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. People always ask how I uncover government conspiracies. Simple. It's all about knowing where to look. And sometimes you only need to look... Right under your feet. Shut up. I'm uncovering a conspiracy here. need to look right under your feet. Shut up! I'm uncovering a conspiracy here. It's probably in on it.

The mysterious disk that I discovered in the middle of a busy street is not uncommon. In fact, I found them in every city in the United States, New York, Boston, Tulsa, Toronto. Seems innocent enough, but what if I told you, there are portals to a complex network of hidden tunnels buried deep under tunnel........ the the the to to to the to to to to the the the to the to the the the the the the the cunnel, the cunnel, the cunnel, the conspiracy, the cunnel, enough, but what if I told you there are portals to a complex network of hidden tunnels buried deep underground? Thousands of miles of tunnels put there by who else? The government. This secret government tunnel system pervades everything. The pipes reach into our schools, our businesses, and even our homes.

I didn't consent to this, and until I get to truth, I'm not going to become part of this system. Did you hear that? You're not getting anything from me! The question is, what is the government doing with these tunnels? Why are they harvesting our bodily fluids, and why aren't we allowed to see for ourselves? Well, I did some and it turns out this conspiracy goes all the way back to ancient Rome. The Roman elders devised a hidden system kept out of the eye of the public called the Cloaca Maxima, which I believe translates to giant birdhole. Turns out old Caesar was a part of a conspiracy way darker than sneaking anchovies into salad dressing. Who else was involved with this thing? It was time to get some answers. But how could I

enter the secret tunnel system? If I wanted to find out the truth I'd have to go undercover. Let's go. Okay testing. Testing, one two three testing. As long as you have you to the the you you you you you you you have you have you have th you have th you have th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the the the the the thi thi the the the the tho tho tho tho tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi thi thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin the the the to to to to to to tooan. tooan. tean toa toa toa toa thean. thean the an the an the an the an. Okay, testing, testing, one, two, three, testing. As long as you have respect and perseverance, you're going to do great. So just once you get down that home. Hello, fellow construction workers. Can I help you, pal? Oh, I've been made. So clearly the government security around this system was tighter than I thought.

But screw it. I'm just going to breach the network the network the network the network the network the network the network the network the network the network the network the network the network the network the network the network than I thought, but screw it. I'm just going to breach the network myself. Wow, must be some kind of DARPA magnetic technology, otherwise I'd be able to lift that. After trying for hours to break the government's high-tech seal, it became clear there was no way in. But then I had a realization. Instead of trying to get into the beginning of the tunnels, why not go to where they end? And to find out where that is, I had to go to the dark web. Turns out, there are entire agencies that no one has ever heard of, dedicated to maintaining this secret network of underground tunnels. Busted.

This government facility hiding in plain sight is an end point where your feces, which contains your DNA by the way, is collected. Let's get some answers. Hey, what are you doing with our fluids? We have a right to know. Sir, this is just a wastewater treatment plant. So you admit that you have our poop? Briefly, I knew it.

See, I knew it. Come, ah! You can't get me! that you have our poop? Uh, briefly, I guess. See, I knew it. Wait, come it! Ah, you can't get me, mother-feeh-fee, oh, whoa! God damn it! We may never know why the government is harvesting our feces through an elaborate network of tubes, but there's one thing I do know.

They're never going to get mine. Because I've sown thown to to the to more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls?

We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart wherever you get your podcast.