The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Recapping Trump's Second First 100 Days - Part 2

Episode Date: April 28, 2025

In Trump's first 100 days back in the White House, he wreaked havoc on the economy with his tariff rollout, wiped out DEI, and ignored court orders after wrongfully deporting a resident--all while floating the possibility of a third term. Jon Stewart and The Best F**king News team recap it all in Part 2 of Donald Trump's second term (so far).See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Now, let's get to the big story. Americans are still trying to process the global realignment that has occurred following the disastrous Oval Office meeting between the president, J.D. Vance, and Vladimir Zelensky. What happened, they say? Are we still America, they say? Who's Sider-Way on, they say? Are we still America they say? Who's side are we on they say?

It's complicated. The best way that I can explain what happened and show Americans how to process this new reality was with another shocking turn of events from this weekend. On Saturday night at the Elimination Chamber the WWE shocked the world as John Cena turned heel, joined the Rock, and attacked Cody Rhodes. Now, if that does not immediately explain to you our current geopolitical climate, you must have grown out of watching wrestling through the normal course of aging. I on the other hand understand this in my bones. This explains it folks. All of your shock, all of your disappointment, all of your anger, it's in there.

It's in the squared circle. You see, Saturday night, oh, we're doing this. Saturday night, John Cena, the good guy of professional wrestling, Mr. Hussle, the champ, the man who stood for everything, truth, justice, the guy who literally holds the record for the most Make-A-Wish Foundation meetings of all time. People would get cancer just to meet John Cena. Last weekend, Cena flipped the script and went from being a face, a good guy, to a heel, a bad guy. Now, if you don't follow professional wrestling, and I'm guessing if you watch this show, you

do not. I'm judging from, all right. But let me continue to bore you with this metaphor. So here's what happened. The current WWE champion is one Cody Rhodes. Seven people say around. Cody Rhodes is the people's champ. Unquestioned bravery.

He stands in for Zelensky in this metaphor. Couple of weeks ago, The Rock, the now evil owner of the WWE, Putin in our story, made Cody Rhodes an offer. The one thing that I want more than anything in this world is that I want your soul. No!

No! Pudin! He wants Zelensky's soul! But sir, but sir, I am smaller and weaker than you. It will take incredible bravery for me to protect my soul and the soul of my people. But luckily I am not protecting my soul alone. For I have the support of the great John Cena! So, Cody Rhodes Zelensky told Vladimir Putin, Rock, no soul for you, motherf*****! And that's when they met in the Oval Office. America went to hug Zelensky, but when America looked up,

somehow Putin had given John Cena the international sign for its time. And rather than repudiate Putin, America smelled what the rock was cooking. And through that borschti haze, America delivered the nut shot. The nut shot to the hopes and dreams of Ukrainians everywhere.

And then for no reason, America jumped on Zelensky and started punching him in the face as many times as he could. It's too simplistic. No. This is it. No? This is it! Am I being too simplistic, assigning to the delicate art of realpolitik a scripted outcome? Perhaps. But judge for yourself.

Putin broken 25 times his own signature. 25 times he broke and sees fire. You're in no position to dictate what we're gonna feel. You're not in a good position. You don't have the cards right now. You're gambling with World War III. You're gambling with World War III. Have you said thank you once this entire meeting?

We gave you through the president, $350 billion. You're either going to make a deal or we're out. This is going to be great television, I will say that. It sure wasn't. But isn't that what you want from the high stakes diplomacy and real life urgency that ending war demands? And you know, even reporters got some nut shots in. Why don't you wear a suit?

Oh, shit! No, you didn't! Let's do the dozens. Oh, Zelensky, you're so poor and war-torn, you're down to one Brooks brother. Oh, shit! You've so war torn, you've given up the meaningless protocols of business attire. If you think I'm pushing this metaphor, look at the stunned faces in the crowd at WWE when John Cena turned heel. I now present you the equally stunned faces of those watching

this Oval Office pay-per-view. Scott I've never seen anything like that you've never seen anything like that. Wow just wow that was that was something. Caitlin, I want to start with, look at her face. I mean, Christiane. You broke Christiane Ongampour. The woman wanders unprotected through Taliban-controlled Afghanistan, doesn't give a f***. 10 minutes of Trump diplomacy, and she's like, is anyone else dizzy? My A1C is plunging. Now of course there is one big difference between the WWE and the world of politics.

In the WWE they seem very clear on who the good guys and who the bad guys are. Nobody walked out of the match pretending that the guy who got nut-shotted was the bad guy. There was this attitude of ungratefulness, seeing his smirk, seeing him roll his eyes, seeing him refer to JD Vance, the vice president, as JD. He shows up in his equinox-chic outfit to the doggone Oval Office. President Zelensky was also antagonistic,

and frankly, he was rude. So impertinent, so disrespectful. Tone deaf going in and fighting back, getting sassy with the president and the vice president. He was sassy. He was sassy. He was sassy. He was a real scallywag. You know what I would say if I was there in the Oval Office with him? He was a real scallywag.

You know what I would say if I was there in the Oval Office with him? I'd say, you better watch your tone, mister. I think it was Churchill who during World War II was roundly criticized for being a bit lippy. Excuse me, mister, we'll decide where you're going to fight them, whether it's on the beaches or not or whatever. F*** it. Poor guy, Zelensky, his nation was invaded. He's against all odds held off a much bigger army for three years. And we're like, would it kill you to smile a little more?

Dress a little nicer. You're a beautiful country nobody would know. Show off what you got. You know what I'm talking about? Maybe some of those rare medals I've been hearing something about. But I guess rising prices and a tanking stock market, that's just the cost of starting a trade war with your neighbors. Now, Mexico, they expect it, right?

Trump's headed out for them since no one showed up to his quinceañera. But... But why Canada? since no one showed up to his quinceañera, but... LAUGHTER But why Canada? We've always been tight with Canada. We were both British colonies. We play in the same sports leagues together. We share joint custody of Ryan Gosling.

If Trump is going to launch a trade war with them, I hope he has a good reason, and I'm sure he does, right? Right? Right? Trump says the tariffs are needed, and he claims Canada and Mexico aren't doing enough to stop illegal immigration and fentanyl shipments. The fentanyl coming through Canada is massive. Of course, of course. Fentanyl and migrants.

That makes sense. We can't just be letting Canada pump massive and massive amounts of fentanyl and migrants across our border. Data shows less than 1% of the fentanyl entering the U.S. comes from Canada and only 1.5% of border patrol encounters with migrants take place at the border with Canada. Huh. Okay. So it's not fentanyl or migrants, and it can't be because Trump's an insecure wannabe alpha male thumping his chest so the world pays attention to him,

so I guess we'll never know. It's probably Joe Biden. Well, look, whatever it is, Prime Minister Trudeau, he wasn't having it. Today, the United States launched a trade war against Canada. Their closest partner and ally, their closest friend. Now I want to speak directly to one specific American. Donald, even though you're a very smart guy, this is a very dumb thing to do.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's mad. And he's not even world-leader mad. He's dad mad. This is the same tone I use when I tell my daughter not to throw her baby sister into the crib.

You are not that type of person that does this even though you just did this and you'll probably keep doing it but you're not this. Okay Donald? My daughter's name is Donald. And all of Canada is lining up behind Trudeau like Ontario's premier Doug Ford came out to warn America about the consequences of a trade war, although in a confusing way. The people of the U.S., which I absolutely love, the American people, they're going to be paying more. The market is going to go downhill faster than the American bobsled team.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, faster than the American bobsled team. Oh-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho! Sick burn! I think? I mean, it sounded like a slam, but if the market will go downhill really fast, that means our bobsled team is also fast. And isn't that like a compliment? Our bobsled team is supposed to go fast, right?

Unless he's saying our bobsled team is slow, which is a slam, but then that means the market won't go downhill fast, which is good for our economy. This metaphor doesn't make any sense. The point is, Doug Ford is forcing me to learn about bobsledding, and I do not appreciate that. Is there a Canadian who can make an analogy

that's a little less confusing? Donna Reardon, the mayor of St. John in New Brunswick. Maybe you have a good analogy. I mean, we've been in this comfortable relationship with our American cousins, and now we're being attacked. So, you know, we're breaking up with the U.S. and it's time to move on. Yeah, we're cousins, but we're breaking up?

This analogy is even worse than the bobsled. You can't break up with your cousin. Sure, you can both go off and get married and start your own families and try to convince yourselves you've moved on, but she's still there at Thanksgiving every year. Yeah, she brings her new husband, and she laughs at his jokes,

but deep down you can see in her pale blue eyes that she's sad, and I'm sad too, Stephanie. I know she can see it in my eyes, which are the same color as hers, because we're related, and that's... And that's why we can't be together, right? What was I talking about? I'm sorry, but look, that's right. Oh, the trade war that we've launched for no reason.

The point is, look, what Donald Trump has done to Canada. They're the nicest country on earth, the sexiest cousin, and look what we've brought them out to do. Canadians are reasonable and we are polite, but we will not back down from a fight. Ontario Premier Doug Ford threatened to shut off his province's electricity exports to the United States and block shipments of Ontario's high grade nickel.

Canadian liquor stores took American whiskey off the shelves. There's also hashtags, buy Canadian and boycott USA going viral. Canadian coffee shop, the morning owl in Ottawa has renamed its popular Americano coffee to a Canadiano. WWE fans were drowning out the performance of the Star Spangled Banner in Toronto. Take a listen. Damn.

Canada's respect for America has gone down faster than Curtis and Hubert Stevens, gold medalists in the two-man bobsled at the 1932 Lake Placid Olympics. Now that's how you do a bobsled metaphor, Doug. The star of the night was Donald Trump, and you have to admit, he showed a lot of range last night. Okay. Like when he talked about Doge finding social security fraud,

he got to show off his lying skills. We're also identifying shocking levels of incompetence and probable fraud in the social security program. Government databases list 4.7 million social security members from people aged 100 to 109 years old 3.6 million people from ages 110 to 119 3.5 million people from ages

140 to 140 now. And one person is listed at 360 years of age. I can't believe we're paying that many people social security. I can't believe it because it's not true. Okay. And I could, it's not true, okay? And I could... It's been debunked.

I could explain why it's false and why Trump's wasting everybody's time over an Excel spreadsheet error, or, in the time it would take to explain it, we could watch this video of my dog, Walter. Fact checked, he's perfect. But Trump spent a lot of his performance on the ways to Elon Musk is finding while also showcasing his masterful ability to troll. Just listen to some of the appalling waste we have already identified.

$20 million for the Arab Sesame Street in the Middle East. Diversity, equity, and inclusion scholarships in Burma. Improving learning outcomes in Asia. LGBTQI plus in the African nation of Lesotho, $8 million for making mice transgender. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember that children's book. I think it's called If You Give a Mouse a Pussy, right?

Is it? No. Now, to be fair, $8 million to transition mice is a waste of money. Just look at Mickey Mouse, right? You put a $6 bow on him and boom, Minnie Mouse. But hey Trump, maybe you shouldn't criticize weird science stuff when your new best friend is the one putting microchips in monkey brains, and when those monkeys die, your other new best friend is taking them home in a doggie bag.

Being president comes with a lot of pretty cool powers. You can write executive orders, you get one free checked bag on Air Force One, and even you even get an uncensored feed of C-SPAN, which... But for Donald Trump, the power he enjoys the most is the power to impose tariffs. Tariffs are easy, they're fast, they're efficient, and they bring fairness. We're going to bring so many things back to our country, and the thing that's going to get us there is tariffs. We'll take in hundreds of billions of dollars in tariffs, and we're going to make our country so strong and so rich, it will never be so rich.

Tariffs, it's a beautiful word, isn't it? Tariff, it's a beautiful word. It's why I named my daughter Tariff-any. This guy's so horny for tariffs, isn't he? I love any word with big natural double Fs. According to Donald Trump, tariffs are great, and I also want our country to be rich without any negative consequences.

So let's see how he's imposed tariffs on Canada and Mexico, and let's sit back and let's watch that economy roar, baby. Tonight, the stock market dropping more than 600 points. U.S. stock markets plunged for the second day in the row. We've seen consumer confidence tank. Layoff numbers across the US are the highest they've been since 2020. The R word is back thanks in large part to tariffs. Wait the R word is back?

Tariffs brought back the R word? So I guess I can say it. Wall Street banks are starting to raise a red flag that recession odds have become unsettlingly high. Right, right, that R-word. Of course, that's what I was thinking. I can be such a recession sometimes. By the way, is recession an R-word now?

Who thinks the word recession is offensive? Finance bros? Did they get woke? Before we discuss the impending R-word, we begin by acknowledging that we are on the ancestral grounds of Capitol Grill, where Chad was unjustly removed by the bartender before he could get a chance to cheat on his wife.

Sup, Chad? So, basically, Trump said the tariffs are gonna be a quick and painless way to get rich. And now that it turns out we're not all shitting gold, Republicans have moved into their new talking point. Hey, nobody said this was gonna be easy. Trust the process. There'll be a little disturbance, but we're okay with that.

There's gonna be a little bit of pain going into this. It is going to be painful. And if I have to pay a little bit more for something, I'm all for it. We're gonna have to suffer through some bad news. There's going to be a short period of time where there'll be some higher prices on certain products. It's not inflation, that's nonsense. Yeah, yeah, nonsense.

It's not inflation, people. It's just higher prices on food and cars and gas and every other product we import from our biggest trading partners. But you know what? We might be in for some hard times, but tariffs are Donald Trump's whole thing. And if there's one thing I know about Donald Trump, he's a man who sticks to his guns.

Uh. Breaking news into CNN. President Trump's officially delaying tariffs on Mexico and Canada. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. After all that, tariffs are now on hold? Trump just backed away from those tariffs like it was a longtime friendship with Jeffrey Epstein.

So... Oh! So, tariffs are on. They're delayed. They're off. Who knows if they'll come back or when or for how long? Look, I'm not a big business guy, but quick question. Does anyone know if businesses need to make decisions more than four hours in advance? So it appears the only silver lining in this pointless trade war is that at least we're only fighting with Canada and Mexico, you know?

If you're going to pick a fight, pick a fight with two sissy countries you can beat. Right? Right? Right? The Chinese embassy in the U.S. tweeting earlier this week, quote, if war is what the U.S. wants, be it a tariff war, a trade war, or any other type of war, we're ready to fight till the end. Oh, shit.

Uh... China. China don't play. They're like, if you got beef, we got broccoli, bitch. Let's go. Listen, Donald, Canada and Mexico are one thing, but please don't piss off China. I know you wrote the art of the deal, but they wrote the art of war, okay?

And I think a trade war with China might lead to, at best, a devastating economic depression, or at worst, nuclear destruction of our most of American cities. Or as Trump might say... There'll be a little disturbance. Now, one of Trump's big promises for his second term was deporting violent immigrants from America, and he often mentioned one violent gang in particular. Trendy Aragwa.

Remove the savage gang Trendy Aragwa. Trendy Aragwa. Trendy Aragwa. Trendy Aagua. Trendy aragua. Trendy argua. Trendy argua. You know the members of that gang are like, is that us? Trump sounds like my grandfather ordering Chipotle. I'll take the Barbara O'Cora. Buenos Nachos! And over the weekend, Trump announced he was deporting hundreds of these suspected

Venezuelan gang members all the way back to El Salvador, so close enough. And of course, these suspected gang members would be afforded a rigorous legal procedure, including a trial, the presentation of evidence, and all the presentation of evidence, and all the rights of due process. I'm just f***ing with you!

He did a Trump. The administration invoking an obscure law, the Aliens Enemies Act of 1798, which allows the government to deport people with little to no due process, and was last used to round up Japanese Americans during World War II. Last used to round up Japanese Americans during World War II. Last used to round up Japanese Americans during World War II.

Why does Trump always have to pick the oldest, most racist laws to do what he wants to do? Of cutting taxes under the authority of the It's Okay to Drown Italians law of 1863? It's not just that it's archaic. Invoking that law has some big problems. One is that if you're deporting gang members but there's no due process,

then you don't really know if you're deporting gang members. You're just deporting people who you think look like gang members. And if you start deporting every shady-looking guy with questionable tattoos, I mean, who's gonna go to jet skates? But, you know what? You know what? every shady-looking guy with questionable tattoos, I mean, who's gonna go to jet skates? But, you know what? You know what?

I'm sure Donald Trump has the cultural understanding to carefully discern who is a member of... What's that gang name again? Trendy Arguella. Yeah. Yeah, you guys are f***ed. Uh, there's another problem with invoking this law, which is it's supposed to be used in wartime. So to make this work, Trump had to pretend

that we're at war with Venezuela, which we're not. Not to mention, a pretend war is an extremely complicated concept to throw at the Secretary of Defense on St. Patrick's Day. So, man. Okay, so bottom line, bottom line here. Okay, there's a lot of legal questions up in the air. So on Saturday, a federal judge decided to pump the brakes. That federal judge in an emergency hearing Saturday

ordered any plane containing these folks that is going to take off or is in the air needs to be returned to the United States, adding, this is something that you need to make sure is complied with immediately. Oh, well, it was a good try, Donald, but the judge has ruled, and that's the way the system works.

So Trump brought the Venezuelans back, gave them due process, did the whole Constitution thing. I'm with you again. He ignored the judge. The administration made a calculated decision to ignore a federal judge's directive to turn the flights around. My God.

I mean, if you had told me that Donald Trump would trigger a constitutional crisis just seven weeks into his term, I would have said, that is a lot later than I thought. I mean, Donald showed a lot of restraint. I mean, Trump's really becoming presidential. Of course, the administration didn't just come out and say,

we don't listen to judges from now on. They had the respect for the judicial branch to come up with some bullshit. The White House argued that Boasberg's written order was issued when the planes were already midair and that his verbal order, some 40 minutes earlier, did not count. It didn't count?

Is that how rulings work? You have to put it in writing, you can't just say it? Well, this is definitely not the first time that Trump has defended himself by arguing that oral doesn't count. Oh. Look it up. Look it up.

Look, the judge wasn't terribly impressed with that argument, so Trump's lawyers went with another response, which was, can't catch me force field. The Trump administration argued that the court no longer had jurisdiction once the planes were over international waters. Yes. Okay. Apparently, the Constitution is not in effect over international waters. That explains Carnival Cruise Line's new ship, the SS Cruel and Unusual Punishment. And while the Trump administration is saying that it has the right to ignore judicial orders,

President Trump himself is somehow going even further. President Donald Trump just took to Truth Social and deemed this judge responding to this decision here, calling him a radical left lunatic of a judge, a troublemaker, an agitator who was sadly appointed by Barack Hussein Obama. He says this judge should be impeached. So there you have it. Donald Trump went from, oh sorry, we would have listened to this judge if we had heard it in time to, actually, this lunatic judge should be impeached.

And if you would have told me that that all happened in 48 hours, I would have said, wow, again, longer than I expected. And Donald Trump made lots of promises during the presidential campaign, and he emphasized one thing in particular. Starting on day one, we will bring competence and common sense back to the Oval Office.

Restore competence and effectiveness to our federal government. Kamala says, vote for her, and you're voting for joy. Yeah. What's the one-word counterpart? Competence. Competence. But real competence.

Real, real competence. Not just he's sort of a real competence. Real, real competence. Not just he's sort of a competent person. No, real competence. Yes, yes. The more you say that something is real, the more people believe you. My real, real girlfriend lives in real Canada.

She's just not just sort of my girlfriend. She's my real girlfriend. She's real and I touched her real boobies. By the way, what room is that? I feel like the beast must have Bell trapped in the room next door, right? But yes, Trump promised his presidency would be marked by competence.

And now that we're two months in, let's see how that's going. Some serious security concerns over the newly released JFK files and real anger after social security numbers and other private information of more than 200 people were made public on Tuesday. The Washington Post reports that among them

are former congressional staffers and one of Donald Trump's most vocal defenders, his former campaign lawyer, Joseph DeGenova. He is furious, telling the Post, it's absolutely outrageous, adding, it's like a first-grade elementary-level rule of security to redact things like that. Whoa!

Man, looks like 304-556622 is really upset about that link. Man, Social Security numbers, addresses, full names. The only thing that wasn't in the JFK papers was who killed JFK. And Trump's poor, poor lawyer, he's probably like, oh, man, I never would have represented you in your 2020 election fraud case

if I knew you'd be untrustworthy. But we can't be surprised. Everything Trump has done so far has been sloppy. Whether it's Doge not knowing who they're firing, ICE not knowing who they're deporting, turns out they can't even do a classic DEI purge right. Tonight, the Pentagon's sparking outrage. After removing from its website a story celebrating

the Army record of American icon Jackie Robinson. A senior military official tells us tonight that the Pentagon relies on computer software to scrub DEI content from its websites and that ultimately those stories about Jackie Robinson were removed by mistake. Yeah. Oh, don't blame us. Blame our racist software. We should have never used Chat KKK. Classic mistake. Classic mistake. Be careful where it is.

The Jackie Robinson mistake wasn't even the most embarrassing anti-DEI flub. In some cases, photos seem to be flagged for removal simply because their file included the word gay, including service members with that last name and an image of the B-29 aircraft Enola Gay, which dropped the first atomic bomb on Hiroshima. That's how lazy they were with this.

They just Control-F'd for gay sounding keywords and deleted anything that showed up. Now, kids won't know about the Enola Gay, they won't know about transport planes, and they'll never hear about the heroic service of Captain Grindr McSizzery. Tragic. What's extra tragic is this could have all been avoided

if they had just named the plane Enola Gay Nohomo. You know? But luckily our national free speech nightmare recently came to an end when we entered the golden age of Donald Jehoshaphat for Trump. We have saved free speech in America and we've saved it strongly. Free speech in America is back. Thank God we have a president now

who believes in free speech. Yes. Thank God. We have a president now who believes in free speech. Just go ahead, roll to 12. I believe that CNN and MSDNC, what they do is illegal. I think CBS should lose its license, but I think ABC should lose its license also because

of what they've done. I watched What Happened Live. I think Bravo should also lose their license. What they did to Dorinda on Traders, they... They should be sent to a Salvadorian hello! This is what I'm talking about. Generally you've got to search the archives for contradictions on one's stated principles, dig through policy papers to uncover private actions that are undermined by someone's public stance.

But this is so, this is so blatant. I can't wrap my head around it. It's not even the hypocrisy. It's that they so fetishize free speech, this thing that they do not in any way actually practice. The freedom to speak our minds and express the truth that is our heart. Really, that's really a big chunk of our heart. Laughter

Any cardiologist will tell you hearts come in chunks. Blood comes into the aorta to the right ventricle, passes through your speech chunk. But since coming into office, Trump and the Republicans have instituted policies that are a dagger right through many people's speech chunks. The White House has barred the Associated Press from presidential events because the AP has refused to rename the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America in its style book. And in a dramatic escalation against the American legal system, Trump this weekend directed his government to target law firms battling his actions. Federal immigration officials arrested a Palestinian activist who helped lead last year's student encampment protest at Columbia.

I think we ought to get them all out of the country. They're troublemakers, they're agitators. They don't love our country. My chunks! My precious chunks, my lovely lady chunks. My lovely lady chunks. My lovely lady chunks. My lovely lady chunks. My lovely lady chunks. My lovely lady chunks. My lovely lady chunks. My lovely lady chunks.

My lovely lady chunks. My lovely lady chunks. My lovely lady chunks. My lovely lady chunks. My lovely lady chunks. My lovely lady chunks. Here's the thing, these attacks on free speech, especially the one where they deported that activist, if there's one thing that I know about the powerful principals at our higher education institutions, they will not be bullied by a—roll 212. Columbia University is bowing to President Trump's demands, announcing it will change a number of policies.

Among them, placing the school's Middle Eastern, South Asian, and African Studies department under academic receivership for at least five years. Some students protested the war in Gaza. Suddenly, a whole academic department is on double secret probation with government oversight. And by the way, okay, Middle East part, African studies? What the did they do?

For the African studies professors like, I teach intermediate Swahili. See these guys don't give a about free speech. They care about their speech. It's so blatant hypocrisy. It's so old school daily show gotcha. I, you know what? I'm just gonna put on the wig I used to wear

during those years. I'm just gonna put on the wig I used to wear during those years. Because the hypocrisy is just so, Here's Donald Trump on those who would criticize judges because the hypocrisy is just so... Here's Donald Trump on those who would criticize judges that he has appointed. A lot of the judges that I had, if you look at them, they take tremendous abuse and it's

truly interference in my opinion and it should be illegal and it probably is illegal in some form. Yes, criticizing judges! It is interference! It should be illegal, and it probably is illegal in some form. Yes, criticizing judges! It is interference! It should be illegal! Tremendous abuse! Four days later, not four f***ing days later! Not a full French work week later!

President Donald Trump just took the truth social and deemed this judge, responding to this decision here, calling him a radical left lunatic of a judge, a troublemaker, an agitator, who was sadly appointed by Barack Hussein Obama. He says this judge should be impeached. The pack rusted. It burns.

And are we really still doing the Barack Hussein Obama thing? Oh, free Harambe. Come on, people. And are we really still doing the Barack Hussein Obama thing? Oh, free Harambe. Come on, people! See, what was the whole thing that they hated about the left on free speech? No one is safe from the left's ward police. No one? What exactly would an actual government-run Ward police

organization look like? The Trump administration is actively trying to purge the federal government of so-called woke initiatives. Government agencies have flagged hundreds of words to limit or avoid. Words like DEI, BIPOC, anti-racism, Latinx, Native American, black, women,

seemingly random words like expression, at risk, political, and even mental health and sex. What's left? BIPOC and Latinx, I get that. You're not allowed to say sex? You can't say words like women or sex or hashtag me too? How can a lot of your cabinet members describe their weekends? You know, you can't protest in a way that... You can't protest in a way that offends the right.

You can't teach things that the right doesn't want you to teach. You can't read things that they don't want you to read. You can't use words that they don't want you to use. But they love free speech! I guess fear not. At least we'll always have art. President Trump demanding a painting of him be removed because he finds it

unfired. He's demanding they take it down because he believes this picture is unflattering, which really makes you think, do you think other pictures of you are flattering? At least in the painting they blended the foundation into your hair. We're going to check in with our good friend, democracy. Going to give him the old turn your head and cough. How's democracy doing? In some of his strongest comments yet, President Trump says he's considering his options to serve a third term in office, a breach of the Constitution's two-term limit for presidents.

I'm sorry, considering the option? The Constitution? What are you trying to order off menu from the Constitution? Oh yeah, see, you got two terms here, but can I get it animal style? What are you going to do with a third term? How does that work exactly? In a phone call with NBC, Trump saying quote, there are methods which you could do it, including possibly urging his vice president, JD Vance to run and then cede power back to Trump.

The president saying that's one method, but that there are others too. Yes. There are other methods that you tried one a few years ago. There are other methods for staying in power beyond when you are legally allowed to be there. Historically, some of them involve catapults. Historically, some of them involve catapults. Although maybe Trump has something more creative in mind with the Vance thing. Have you guys heard of the movie Face Off? Yeah, so here's how it's going to work.

Trump will watch that movie as the military seizes power. Like, what the f***? I'm sure at which point Chuck Schumer will say, I will allow it. Because in the third term, we think his popularity will go down to the 30s. Go down to the 30s? The second Trump administration is off to a roaring start if you don't count the economy, inflation, rampant corruption, cyberbullying of ally nations, and we're all going to die

of measles. So it makes sense that on Sunday he said he's considering running for a third term. But of course the liberal media is freaking out. New fallout after President Trump did not rule out the possibility of a third term. A move that would require breaching the two term limit outlined in the Constitution. Caroline, what method would the President use to potentially run for a third term? Look, you guys continue to ask the president this question about a third term, and then he answers honestly and candidly with a smile, and then everybody here melts down about his

answer. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Obviously, this is the media's fault, okay? If they ask the president a question, of course he's going gonna give you a deranged answer. He's the president. What do you expect him to say? No, I'm constitutionally barred from running again. Come on.

The guy's just having a good time. His fellow Republicans know nobody gets comedy like the Republicans. Don't you think he's probably kind of trolling? I think he's probably having some fun with it, probably messing with it. This is a president who loves to give a snake in a can to the media just to watch them open it. And he's doing that.

This is another jump scare that has just lit up the internet. Yeah, guys, relax. The president of the most powerful nation in the world is just, he's in his Dennis the Menace phase. The point is, everybody knows he's joking. Trump isn't serious about a potential third term. Trump insisted he was serious about a potential third term. Trump said, I'm not joking.

I'm not joking. No, no, that can mean anything. That can mean anything. Look, the truth is, Trump doesn't really joke so much as he jokes, right? The same way that guys joke to their wives about having a threesome. You know, that would be so wild.

Obviously, we'd never do that. I mean, definitely not with my coworker Cindy that you said was pretty once. And I'm sure she's opened this stuff because her nose is pierced. That would be so hilarious, right? Or would it be sexy? Personally, I'm not freaking out

that Trump is going to defy the Constitution because he's already been doing it. For weeks now, ICE has been rounding up any immigrant who they suspect is a member of the Venezuelan gang Trendy Argua, or as Trump pronounces it... Trendy Argua. ["Muy bien, señor presidente." But this week, we found out that instead of sending

these suspects to a trial or hearing, you know, all the due process shit in the Constitution, the ICE agents just fill out a checklist on the suspect. And if the suspect scores an eight or more, they get deported to an El Salvadorian prison. Look, look, I'm not a legal expert, but I'd rather not be sentenced to life in a foreign prison with the same checklist system that Cosmo uses to decide if I'm not a legal expert, but I'd rather not be sentenced to life in a foreign prison with the same checklist system that Cosmo uses to decide if I'm good girl hot or bad girl hot.

By the way, I'm bad girl hot. And reading through the checklist doesn't make me feel any better either. Okay, you get points just for having a tattoo of a star or a clock or the Michael Jordan logo. It doesn't even have to be a tattoo. You can just get points for wearing a bull's jersey. So have fun in prison, Hannah Montana. If that's even your real name. But hey, I'm sure the famously detail-oriented Trump administration isn't going to deport people without making sure they're hardened criminals, right?

Right? Right? The Trump administration now admitting that a Maryland father from El Salvador was mistakenly deported to a super prison, government lawyers just confirmed that the man who was granted protected status in 2019 was deported due to, quote, an administrative error. Oopsy-doopsy, I did a poopsie.

Could it be that the geniuses who added Jeffrey Goldberg to the strike team group chat aren't great at identifying the correct people? If only there is a way that they could have presented this suspect before another person, someone who, I don't know, and I'm just spitballing, maybe could have judged whether or not the person could have been deported.

Maybe that person, I don't know, could be behind a tall desk, and they hold a stick and with a robe, and they're federally appointed, and they say things like, Another DUI, Mr. Costa? I'd put you in prison, but you're too bad-girl hot. No, no, no, no, no.

Let's just do another checklist. Thank you for that. But, hey, but, hey, but, hey, no harm, no foul. We can just get that guy back on the next flight, right? Right? Right? But here's the thing. The administration argues he can't be brought back because now he's in El Salvador's custody.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you talking about? We can't get one person out of a prison that we sent to that prison? JD Vance is out there calling dibs on rare earth minerals underneath Greenland and Ukraine. But with El Salvador, suddenly they're like, hey, sorry, no hablo espanol.

Trump, don't you speak Spanish? Trendy, Arguella. Tremendioso. Seeing all these constitutional crises pile up, it makes me wonder what sort of evil machinations Donald Trump is plotting inside the Oval Office right now. A friend of mine, Kid Rock, sometimes referred to as Bob. I know him as Bob, but he's been a good friend for a long time, many years, and he's been after something that is for the good of a lot of people.

Uh, Mr. President, I don't mean to alarm you, but the guy next to you, he's scoring a lot of points on that checklist right now. Um... While Democrats were congratulating themselves for their bladder control, Donald Trump was shitting out a new holiday. -"A big day for the country. President Trump calling it Liberation Day." -"Liberation Day." -"Liberation Day. The world is watching."

-"Right. Liberation Day. That sounds like the fake holiday your friends make up after you get dumped, you know? No, man. No, man. Who needs that beautiful, smart, independently wealthy woman in your life when you could die alone? This is your liberation day, bro.

But actually, what is it? Our breaking news just moments ago. President Trump officially announcing widespread what he calls reciprocal tariffs, at least 10% on practically all goods coming into the United States. My fellow Americans, this is Liberation Day. April 2nd, 2025 will forever be remembered

as the day American industry was reborn, the day America's destiny was reclaimed. Okay, so Liberation Day is just the day that Trump announced new tariffs. I kind of doubt this day will be remembered for all of history, but if you give me a day off from work, you can call it whatever you want, to be honest with you.

Now, you might be thinking, what am I even being liberated from? The ability to afford goods and services? Yes, but what Trump is hoping happens is that businesses move back to America. But until then, Republicans are preparing Americans for the inevitable rocky road ahead. I feel like, in some ways in the economy,

this is kind of like a kitchen remodel or a bath remodel. There's a bit of a mess at the beginning, but everybody has a long-term look of where we're headed. I mean, if you're going to remodel your house to make it better in the end, it's going to be really annoying in the short term when your house is getting remodeled. And there's drywall desjaveware and there's workers in your living room. The reality is that remodel has got to happen in order to make things stronger and more

stable on the back end. Great. It's like a home remodel. I feel much better about tariffs now that you compared it to something famous for costing people way more than they ever expected. Yeah! Nobody... Nobody likes a remodel. And they especially don't like the people

in charge of the remodel. Even the homeowners who hired Jesus to be their carpenter hated him. Is he seriously going out for another walk on water? I'm gonna kill that guy. But look, guys, whether you like it or not, Republicans don't want to hear your bitching because we all knew this was coming. It's gonna be a rocky road, and Trump has admitted that.

Trump has acknowledged that there will be some minor inflationary aspect of that. As he begins to realign the economy to put America first, everybody knows, and when they voted in November of 2024, they knew that's what they were voting for. Yeah, that's right, voters. You can bellyache all you want, but we all knew what we were voting for.

Trump was very honest during the campaign that tariffs would drive prices higher, right? Right? Right? Right? You want to impose a 10% tariff on all goods coming into the US. How will you ensure that that doesn't drive prices even higher?

Not going to drive them higher. Do you believe Americans can afford higher prices because of tariffs? They're not going to have higher prices. OK, OK, technically he said prices wouldn't go up, but in his defense defense he was lying. And you should have known that, so that's on you. But you know what?

Yeah, perfect. Some people at Fox News would like to know why you're so obsessed with your money in the first place, huh? There are some things more important than money. And the president's trying to tell Americans, you know, there may be a little suffering going on here. It's a little volatile right now, but people have been very happy and very enthusiastic since the administration was inaugurated.

Look, I wouldn't watch the stock market every hour, every day. I really hope that somehow the average person out there can separate themselves and their mindset from Wall Street. You know, don't get fooled by what's happening in the stock market. Yeah, yeah. Making money isn't everything. Take it from the guy hosting the show called Making Money. Yesterday, Donald Trump announced sweeping tariffs across the entire globe. Asia, South America, Narnia, Arendale, Wakanda, Bachelor Nation.

If you can imagine it, Trump slapped a tariff on it. And today, the reviews came in. Carnage on Wall Street. Markets falling, tumbling. Stocks plunging. Down, down, down. The Nasdaq's getting crushed. Small caps are getting crushed.

This is a shock to the system. It is ugly out there. Worst than worst case scenario. Stocks are getting slashed and burned. Two and a half trillion dollars vaporized. 2.5 trillion dollars vaporized. Your kids' college fund disintegrated. Your 401k given the death penalty.

Your pension water boarded in Guantanamo. Those stocks your nana gave you 20 years ago accidentally stepped on a landmine while vacationing in Vietnam. Economists say we could be on the verge of a recession, so things are looking scary right now. But don't worry. The only thing the president is better at than negotiating is speaking soothing words of comfort in times of need.

We have heard from President Trump, he took to Truth Social, wrote this, the operation is over, the patient lived and is healing. The prognosis is that the patient will be far stronger, bigger, better, and more resilient than ever before. Boy, I feel so much better now. You know, I mean, always reassuring when the surgeon comes out screaming at the top of his lungs, the patient is fine! Everything is going great!

Does anybody have a mop? The thing is, the patient didn't need major surgery. We just needed a teeth cleaning. Keep it clean and shiny. No one wants to wake up from heart surgery to their dental hygienist shouting, I think he's gonna live. Also, the patient is gonna be bigger?

Was the surgery a penis enhancement? If so, what kind? Was it latex injections, scrotoplasty, ligament extension, ventral falloplasty, a fat transfer to enhanced girth? I mean, I think those are the options. I don't know. Now, look, you could argue that it's bad

that my retired 78-year-old mom is polishing up her resume now, but to Donald Trump, it's all worth it because we're correcting a grave injustice. President Trump says the higher penalties come in response to tariffs those countries impose on American products they import. Reciprocal, that means they do it to us and we do it to them. Very simple.

Yeah, it's very simple. And that it is simply not true. All right, the reality, the reality is that the numbers on his board are not the tariffs other countries are charging us. They're actually, they actually represent the trade deficit between the U.S. and those countries, meaning we buy more stuff from them than they buy from us.

I'm just gonna to repeat this. Those numbers don't represent the tariffs. They represent that we buy more stuff from them than they buy from us. That means we're basically punishing other countries for selling us stuff that we want. This is like me going to John Varvatos and beating the shit out of him because I like his socks. Why don't you ever buy my socks, John Varvatos? I don't make any socks, but that's no excuse. But that's really what's going on.

It's not actually about tariffs. It's about other countries not buying enough of our stuff. Although Howard Lutnick, Commerce Secretary and Cologne Sponge had another way to put it. I mean, the European Union won't take chicken from America. They won't take lobsters from America. They hate our beef because our beef is beautiful and theirs is weak.

It's unbelievable. We can't sell corn to India. We can't sell rice to Asia. Yeah. Yeah, although I'm not sure tariffs are the reason we can't sell rice to Asia. Yeah. Yeah, although I'm not sure tariffs are the reason we can't sell rice to Asia. I think they figured rice out about 10,000 years ago. Now, if they want to add aroni, well, then let us know.

We got that figured out. Mm-mm-mm. By the way, Europe's beef is weak? I'm sure that's not true. They famously have a running from the beef event where the beef tramples people. You know what? I'm not too concerned about Donald Trump not understanding how his tariffs work because he's Donald Trump. He doesn't understand how to make money running a casino.

The important thing is that there are adults in the room, like Scott Besson, Treasury Secretary and college dean who understands that boys will be boys. That guy's gonna have the answers we need. What do you expect the stock market to look like when it opens tomorrow in reaction to this? I don't know. Should we view these as permanent? Again, I think we're gonna wait and see how

this plays out. Do you plan on having negotiations before that date? I just don't know if they're gonna be negotiations. Canada, Mexico notably missing on that chart. Why is that? I'm not sure. I have a question. Do you know anything? Why are you out here doing interviews? It's not very reassuring to have the Treasury Secretary of the United States going, Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. You know what? Maybe they can't give us clarification because there isn't clarification. We just assume they have a good reason for imploding the economy, because why else would you implode the economy? But then you uncover something like this, and you realize,

I'm not sure they even know what they're doing. Every country on the list faces at least 10% tariffs, even small, remote places like the herd in McDonald Islands. They are near Antarctica and covered in glaciers home to many penguins, but no people. Yeah, yeah. We put a 10% tariff, we put a 10% tariff on an island that only has penguins?

Trump would have been better off tariffing that island Tom Hanks got stranded on. At least it had one guy and that little volleyball he was f***ing. Is this a mistake? Look, I know old people butt dial strangers all the time, but this is the first time I've heard of someone butt

tariffing an entire country. I remember when Donald Trump was reelected, Wall Street was thrilled, excited about deregulation, tax cuts, and the fact that you could once again call people sugar tits. One top banker told the paper that he feels liberated because now he can use offensive slurs like the R word and the P word without fear of getting canceled at work. Hmm. The R word and the P word?

Well, I can tell you today that that top banker is definitely using both of those words. Perhaps even adding a mother f***er. Right now. The market meltdown for the third straight day. Global markets are sinking. Markets across Asia, Europe and Australia plunging. One point this morning, the Dow sinking almost 1600 points. The markets lost more than six and a half trillion dollars in value.

This is an economic Armageddon. What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? here? What, they pull you in from the pool? Make it up. Either financial channels rot, any danger failures? I told my wife about the stock plunge. She said, oh, I thought you guys would never go down there. No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Congress. Mr. President, now is the time to soothe a worried nation.

Donald Trump put this out on social media. Don't be weak, don't be stupid, don't be a panikin, which he has termed a new party based on weak and stupid people. Panic Can? The genius who gave us classics like Sleepy Joe and Crooked Hillary just shit out, you're a panic can? How about hysteric-rats? Rapuss-ic-ans? How about cry-ant-ologists? Did the overseas factory you had been sourcing your nicknames

from get shut down during the terror war? So we're going to try this again, Mr. President. Can you ease the fears of this nation like a true leader? President Trump holding firm, posting on Truth Social, only the weak will fail. What are you doing? Your economic policy has the same tagline as season three of Squid Game? That's supposed to make us feel better? Only the weak shall die in my economy. By the way, in case you didn't get the point that he doesn't give a f**k. He spent the weekend showing, not telling.

He played not a round of golf this weekend, a tournament of golf. A three-day tournament. 812 holes of golf with his live golf Saudi benefactors. And in case you're wondering about the venerated journalists who are now allowed to be in the press pool, this was literally the first question he was asked on Air Force One in the middle of a financial meltdown. How was the meltdown event? Very good.

Because I won. It's good to win. You heard I won. Did you hear I won? Because I won. You heard I won. You heard I won. I won.

You heard I won. I won. You heard I won. I won. You heard I won. I won. You heard I won. I won. You heard I won. You heard I won. I won. You heard I won. I won. Mom! Mom! I won. Mom! I won the tournament, Mom! I'm a good boy. Good boy, good boy. I know the stock market is not the totality of the economy, but if I remember correctly in the run up to the election, Trump seemed very concerned about the stock market.

If Harris wins this election, the result will be a Kamala economic crash, a 1929 style depression. And anything she can do, I can do better. I can do it on my own. I won mom. Hey mom. Hey mom look. Hey mom look, no economy. Please love me.

And it didn't have to happen like this. Trump had so many options to shape the world economy into the one he thought was fairer. He could have proposed some incentives to bring back manufacturing. He could have gone sector to sector, nation to nation, negotiate better trade reciprocal agreements. But he had to go to full Theresa. Who the f*** are you? Who the f*** are you?

Now, to be fair... to be fair... to be fair to the Trump administration, they did give it almost two months and no effort before they asked chat GPT what it thought they should do. But for those of us who've been tricked into believing that an economic crisis is a crisis, Trump's people have an answer.

Don't panic. Calm down. Everything's going to be okay. I would not worry at all. The Dow is actually in the same place it was in August. Do me a favor, don't look at your stock portfolio. You know what? I don't really care about my 401k.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Leave, laugh, love. That's what I always say. Oh, no.

Oh, no. You's what I always say. You know what I say though? It's 401K somewhere. Hm. It's been one week since Donald Trump announced his bold vision for destroying the economy. And guess what? His plan is working. After another chaotic day on Wall Street,

America's CEOs are sounding the alarm. Most CEOs I talk to would say we are probably in a recession right now. A new CNBC survey showing those concerns are widespread, with 69% of CEOs expecting a recession and 82% expecting resurgent inflation. This is a snapshot of the Dow since President Trump's inauguration. After dropping more than 15% since its record high, putting it into correction territory. I'm not an economist, but it's probably a bad sign

when the chart itself looks like it jumped off the roof. Look at that drop. Six Flags is going to make a roller coaster of that. Mom, I wanna ride the Dow Jones. We can't afford it. So the economy is incredibly unstable right now. The only upside is that this crash is much easier to understand than the 2008 one.

Remember the big short where they had to have Margot Robbie explain it in a bathtub? Here's how that would go today. Trump did it. Thanks Margot. Thank you. So the president may have single-handedly tipped us into a global recession and with so much uncertainty the world is glued to the financial news, who are surely focusing on this story 24-7.

Right, Fox Business? The president welcomes the World Series champions, the Los Angeles Dodgers, to the White House. He was funny. He was entertaining. Yes, that's definitely the big story. The president made new friends today. So yes, economists are afraid that we're headed into a recession. But don't worry, things could still improve quickly as long as Trump de-escalates soon.

President Trump escalates his trade war with more threats against China. President Trump is now promising a new 50% tariff on China on top of the other new tariffs, which are on top of existing tariffs. Combined, this would make US tariffs on imports from China a whopping 104%. 104% tariffs? OK, this is getting really serious. We'll know exactly how serious once we ask China to do the math for us, but...

The point is, Trump is out of control right now. I'd say he's like a bull in a china shop, but at 104%, I can't afford to say that. It's really starting to feel like the entire world is teetering on the brink of chaos. It's honestly impossible to report on literally anything else right now. Right, Fox News?

A women's pool championship in the UK with no women in the final round. After two transgender players defeated their female opponents to face off for the title. No. Not the British women's pool tournament. That's America's favorite pastime. Last Wednesday, Donald Trump announced that in one week, he was going to impose the biggest

increase in tariffs in 100 years. And after a week of panic buying a year's supply of toilet paper and air fryers, the day has finally arrived. It is 1159 and 48 seconds, which means we are just moments away from the president's new tariffs. It's President Trump's long-awaited Tariff Day. It's Reciprocal Tariff Day. Well, the tariffs are here.

All right, it is Tariff Day. Happy Tariff Day, everyone! Whoo! Whoo! Oh! It's what Trump is replacing Juneteenth with. Now, Trump is celebrated by putting tariffs on every country in the world, including 104%

on products made in China, which is probably fine. I mean, how many products are made in China? But Tariffs Day wasn't just celebrated here in America. Other countries got in on the fun, too. Swift retaliation. Both China and the European Union are responding to President Trump's tariffs. China has announced its own retaliatory tariffs, 84%

on all US goods it imports. According to the European Union, almonds, orange juice, poultry, soybeans, steel and aluminum products, tobacco, and yachts imported from the United States now will have a 25% levy on them. 25% on yachts? Why do these trade wars always have to screw over the little guy? I'll be honest, I didn't even know America made yachts. I thought the only thing we made here was nepo babies. But this really feels like it's spiraling out of control.

It seems like the smart move is to back off this whole thing. But Trump's team has been adamant that they will stay the course. This is not a negotiation. It's not the kind of thing you can negotiate away. I don't think there's any chance that President Trump's going to back off his tariffs. The president made it clear yesterday

this is not a negotiation. Trump posted this morning, my policies will never change. Well, that's it then. They're in it to win it. Full speed ahead from the window to the walls. Skeet, skeet, skeet, mother-fuckers. Trump's policy will never, ever change.

This is CNN breaking news. The president announced just minutes ago that he's now quote, authorized a 90 day pause on some of his new tariffs. What? The trade war's over? But it's Tariff Day. I shaved my legs for this. Now I have to grow it all back.

But hey, at least we can buy things from China again, right? Amazon Prime, here I come. Notably though, the president is raising the tariff applied to China from the United States to 125% effective immediately. So this pause applies to other countries, not China. Hey, Siri, cancel 1,000 air fryers. Trump, I don't understand what happened here. You tanked global stock markets.

You put us on the verge of a recession. You told everyone to build factories in America because the tariffs wouldn't go away. And then you took them away. What happened? Did you just get spooked by the markets? The 90-day pause when there were certain tariffs, is that because of the blackouts that we've been seeing across the financial market?

No, this was his strategy all along. It's an absolutely brilliant move. Brilliant not only economically, politically, it was good for the American worker. He's negotiator in chief, he's landing the plane, he's the master of the deal. I mean, you're watching the art of the deal in real time here. Many of you in the media clearly missed the art of the deal.

Yes, the art of the deal. Create a global crisis and then dig yourself halfway out. It's truly masterful, Donald. I'm starting to think that the art of the deal is art in the way that Jackson Pollock is art. Like, it looks like someone just threw a bunch of shit at the wall, but now I have to pretend like it's genius and it's going to cost millions of dollars. Come at me, abstract expressionism hives. You know I'm right.

Come on, Trump. Just admit that you started a game of chicken and you got too scared to finish it. Well, I thought that people were jumping a little bit out of line. They were getting yippy, you know? They were getting a little bit yippy, a little bit afraid. Oh. Okay, it's our fault. We got too scared. Sorry.

I tend to get a little yippy when my retirement plan starts to look like the elevator from The Shining. Yes. Great. Straight down in heavy flow. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be dramatic, but this is the worst tariff day ever. This whole trade war was launched on incoherent arguments, you stuck to your guns for incoherent reasons, and now you're pulling back for incoherent arguments, you stuck to your guns for incoherent reasons, and now you're pulling back for incoherent reasons.

Is there anything you can say that actually makes sense? No other president would have done what I did. No other president. Well, you got me there. The Biden administration launched what you've called a war on showers. Ah, yes. Yes, the war on showers. The fight Steve Bannon has been on the front lines of his whole life.

Now, most people probably didn't even realize we were in a war on showers because no one in the Biden administration ever accidentally added a reporter to the war on showers group chat. But in all seriousness, I know the war on showers very well. Okay, my uncle actually lost his leg from stepping on a bath bomb. It's never been the same. But luckily that war is now coming to an end. Certain regulations that basically killed the water pressure of showers and other water appliances. With this executive order, we're effectively going to be reversing that set of regulations. In my case, I like to take a nice shower to take care of my beautiful hair.

I have to stand under the shower for 15 minutes until it gets wet. It comes out drip, drip, drip. It's ridiculous. It takes 15 minutes for your hair to get wet? Are you sure you're not standing in the pantry? The water pressure is terrible in here and we're out of Cheez-It! But if you're as big of a Trumpet as I am, you know that water pressure is not a new issue for him. He's been passionate about this crisis for a while.

Take a shower and water comes dripping out. It's dripping out, very quietly dripping out. Sinks, right? Showers. You take a shower, the water doesn't come out. It's the shower, it's the sink, and you know the third element in the bathroom. It's the shower, it's the sink, and you know the third element in the bathroom.

People have to flush their toilet 15 times. 10 times, right? 10 times. Wah, bub. Turn on the shower, ding, ding. It goes drip, drip, drip, drip, drip. Please, come out the water. Come on water, come out baby. Oh, come out the water. Come on water, come out baby.

Come out baby, please. Come out, come out for daddy. Has he ever said anything more embarrassing? I'm gonna come. Stop doing that. Stop it. Kilmar Abrego Garcia, undocumented migrant from El Salvador, married an American woman, has a kid, living the American dream. Until the Trump administration sent him to an El Salvadorian mega prison by, and I'm

quoting the Justice Department here, if I may, is administrative error. If only there was a convenient and timely way that the prisoner could be brought back to the United States that wouldn't really inconvenience either nation. President Bukele at the moment flying from El Salvador to Washington, D.C. What? Saints be praised! Bukele can just give Garcia a ride. You didn't even have to give Garcia the middle seat. I'm sure Garcia would just grab the wing and Tom Cruise it over here if he had to.

But sadly, Bukele arrived at the White House with just the Miami club promoter clothes on his back and a pocket full of excuses. Can President Bukele weigh in on this? Do you plan to return him? How can I model a terrorist to the United States? I don't have the power to return him to the United States. You know... Can I honestly tell you, like, this is even really... The thing that's...

Like, they're f***ing enjoying this. Like, the two of them. Our president, their president. I guess we'll just have to let him rot in a f***ing prison even though he didn't deserve to be there. I don't... You guys don't care about this guy, I'm talking about these two, but somebody else cares about this person. And you just randomly with no evidence that you'll show anybody, call him a terrorist.

And one of the weirder parts about this is the thing, the only thing that seems to upset Trump about the entire situation is having to answer a perfectly reasonable question from Kaitlin Collins about it. You said that if the Supreme Court said someone needed to be returned that you would abide by that you said that on Air Force One just a few days ago and they said that it must be facilitated. Why don't you just say isn't it wonderful that we're keeping criminals out of our country why can't you just say that why do you go over and over and that's why nobody watches you anymore? Nag, nag, nag.

You sound just like the Supreme Court. Nag, nag. But fear not, America. For every time a lame stream media journalist gets shunned, an ass kissy one gets its wings. Do you have a question, please? Thank you so much. You scored another major investment win this morning with Nvidia, Fletcher Bill, and its AI supercomputer. Do you have a question? Thank you so much. You scored another major investment win this morning with Nvidia, the legislature bill,

and its AI supercomputer. The first time ever right here in the United States. Thank you. Now that's a question I like. That's true. Yeah, that's not a question. I guess it's your favorite kind of question. A compliment.

But rest easy, Americans. I guess it's your favorite kind of question, a compliment. But rest easy, Americans, if there's one thing we all know, it's that first they come for the undocumented migrants, and as long as nobody speaks out, they stop. You mentioned that you're open to deporting individuals that aren't foreign aliens, foreign criminals, to El Salvador. Does that include potentially US citizens, fully naturalized immigrants? If it's a homegrown criminal, I have no problem. I'm talking about really bad people.

Really bad people. He's going to do that to U.S. citizens. I think the hosts of The View are about to get administratively erred. I got to tell you, I did not think he would get this authoritarian this fast. I really didn't. I'm sorry. Who could have known? Maybe if somebody out there had yelled at me on Blue Sky about this, I would have known.

But no one did. Except every day. In all caps. So I guess the question is, how authoritarian is we? Trump's done a lot of the standard fare. He's attacked the free press, pulled random people off the streets, made law firms and universities bend the knee, announced Department of Justice investigations into an individual whose sole crime was suggesting that the 2020 election had been safe and well administered.

You know, the bad, bad people. But authoritarianism isn't just policies. It's an aesthetic. The opulence of medieval kings, the excesses of Middle Eastern autocrats. It's a Pinterest vibe that speaks to the power of one's position, the riches that are the privilege of the office.

Does Trump measure up? Does he have the lack of available wall space? You have the mantle, and you have the cherubs. Is that from Mar-a-Lago? Yeah, that's actually their gold, all gold look. And you know, it's angels. They're angels. They...

They visited me in the night and asked me to change my ways. So I held them down and dipped them in gold. I drowned them in gold, liquid gold. Have you ever heard an angel scream? It is just... It is erotic! By the way, if any of you are wondering if the cherubs that are now in the Oval Office are real gold, and I know many of you are wondering that, it is real gold.

And there's a very good reason for that. It is real gold. And there's a very good reason for that. Throughout the years people have tried to come up with a gold paint that would look like gold and they've never been able to do it. You've never been able to look at that look. You've never been able to match gold with gold paint. That's why it's gold. That dude is so blue collar. He's down at the factory with the boys. Why can't they make a gold paint that looks like gold? That's not illegal. I don't mind them canceling pediatric cancer research, but I hope by the end of the term

we can come up with a good gold paint substitute because... But you know rooms filled with real gold cherubs are nothing. If those rooms aren't also filled with the echoes of the most embarrassingly sycophantic hosannas, one clip everybody knows the rules. Thank you for your leadership and thank you for everything you're doing. I want to thank you for standing up to the Chinese Communist Party. I want to thank you as well for the shipbuilding. Your vision is a turning point and an inflection point in American history.

Your leadership at the border is absolutely remarkable. What you're doing now I think is a great service to our country but ultimately to the world. You are overwhelmingly elected by the biggest majority. You know what? I swear to God. Guys, what does she know to God, that's right. Guys, what does she know? She's the attorney general. She doesn't have the f***.

When I watch those cabinet meetings, I actually think, are they making fun of him? It's so over the top. Mr. President, oh thank you so much. Your dick is so big. So, your dick is so big. We can barely lift it because it's covered in real gold, not the paint. Real gold. But, you know, any...

Wow. Whoo! Wow. Any run-of-the-mill authoritarian can get the praises from those that fear him, the OGs. The real autocrats extract something much, much weirder and humiliating, the forced, uncomfortable laughter. He had a hat on and then he puts another hat on,

the same hat, but still. That's on the North Korean website, Funny or You Die. And as America's dear leader, Donald Trump also has a tight five. We're pulling all that out and putting the money toward the infrastructure not the the social movement from the last administration. Good steal. Right? It's supposed to green paper mache. Thanks, great job. That made no f***ing sense, right? Nothing, right? Did that make any sense to you? Did that make any sense to me? You better laugh though, right?

Oh, oh, put a hat on, put a hat on. It's just so f***ing weird. But the key to the authoritarian regime is the suspension of the normal processes by which you understand the world. The matter by which data in your experiences paint a cohesive, grounded picture of reality. The calling card of an authoritarian regime is that you must suspend that reality, that rationality, and then you test people by pushing the limits of that absurdity. The White House released the results of President Trump's physical exam.

His doctors say President Trump exhibits excellent physical health. The report says he's 6'3", 224 pounds. No. I'm going to say no to either of those numbers. I don't want to be that guy, but he has a front butt. I mean, we all get there. It's fine. You can have it.

But what's with... He is forged by Hephaestus. No! And by the way, that medical exam did not only confirm that Trump is physically perfect, his brain is also totally jacked. I took a cognitive test. And I don't know what to tell you

other than I got every answer right. Can you tell us about the cognitive test? Is that bad meaning in person, camera, TV? It's a, I think it's a pretty well known test. Whatever it is, I got every one, I got it all right. I think we all know what cognitive tests we're talking about. But I would like to know, do you know what cognitive test? It's just bullshitting.

I took a cognitive test about my memory. What was it? It was testing. It's been five days since they told Donald Trump to help bring back Kilmer Garcia after they accidentally deported him to the mega prison in El Salvador. And it doesn't seem like anyone's in a rush to bring him back

The Trump administration says it cannot return a Maryland man to mistakenly deported to El Salvador Trump officials argue that since a break of Garcia is locked inside a prison in El Salvador It's essentially not their problem anymore, and they can't do anything about it But yesterday at the White House Bukele said he didn't have the authority to release Garcia either. I don't have the power to return him to the United States. This is like every customer service call I've ever been on. Oh, I'm sorry, this is billing. You're looking for technical support. Let me transfer you. Hello, this is technical support. Oh, sorry, you need billing.

Can someone just help me cancel my f***ing cable? Except for Company Central, which is a vital service for American society. But the Trump administration isn't just enjoying their fun new constitutional loophole. They're also going on offense. That's why Stephen Miller, Trump advisor and multiverses most whiny Lex Luthor, was also on the driveway asking questions he did not want the answer to. Can anyone here tell me, what would happen to the illegal alien from El Salvador if he came not want the answer to. Anything. Do you really believe in the Ukraine court? I'm talking now. Do you really believe in the Ukraine court stuff? I'm talking now. Doesn't think he should be retired?

Why was it UNAM? You're done. You asked a question, man. You can't be mad that they're trying to answer you. It's like if a teacher said, okay class, who can tell me the capital of Norway? Anyone? Anyone, shut the fuck up.

Now answer the question. I said shut up. But it's not just Stephen Miller. The entire Trump administration is getting frustrated with how these dumb libs are whining about this one guy from Maryland. Oh, it's so awful. We accidentally sent a guy to the World's Worst Prison without trial or due process. No, eh, eh, eh. Shut the f*** up, okay? Because according to Homeland Security, he wasn't that great. because according to Homeland Security, he wasn't that great. The media would love for you to believe that this is a media darling,

that he's just some Maryland father. Well, Osama bin Laden was also a father, and yet he wasn't a good guy, and they actually are both terrorists. This tween influencer is right. It's the position of this administration that all fathers are basically Osama bin Laden. I mean, seriously, this guy has no criminal record at all.

If he's a terrorist, he might be the worst terrorist ever. I mean, he's been in America for 14 years and hasn't done any terrorism, so maybe Trump is right. Maybe immigrants really are lazy. What? Like, what is happening here, okay? This is America. We don't just send someone to prison without evidence.

We plant the evidence on them. It's called due process. ["Wicked Had"] Other people are starting to fight back, Wicked Had. A showdown is now taking shape between the Trump administration and America's oldest university. The federal government announcing

it will freeze more than $ billion dollars in grants for Harvard and 60 million dollars in contracts. After the school refused to comply with demands to limit activism on campus, eliminate its DEI programs and make other changes. Holy shit, we finally found a force more powerful than Trump's hatred. Harvard's love of sending rejection letters.

But look, I don't usually root for Harvard because they're Harvard. They've got everything. It's like rooting for Jeff Bezos to win the lottery. But in this case, I have to give them credit. They're standing up for their principles and for everyone's right to free speech, even if it means possible financial ruin.

One of the big questions going forward, is Harvard going to dip into that $50 billion plus endowment to make up for that federal shortfall? OK, I hate them again. But the best part about Harvard's resistance to Donald Trump is that it gives people the chance to go on TV and let you know where they went to school. I myself am a first generation college graduate. I graduated from Harvard. I should disclose they went to school. I myself am a first generation college graduate.

I graduated from Harvard. I should disclose I went to Harvard. So I'm very familiar with the president and with how the community feels right now. But as a Harvard alum, and as you know, I am as well. I know many alums, including people I know very closely and faculty members like me. I know you look really surprised because I'm wearing a tie you've never seen before.

It has a little Latin word inside each one of those symbols there. The word veritas meaning truth of course. This is the one night, it's a one night only appearance of this tie. I know that that is not something that you usually billboard in the world about yourself. Oh God, the only thing worse than people bragging about going to Harvard is people pretending to be embarrassed about going to Harvard. It's like, oh my darkest secret,

please don't make me tell anyone, please no. I went to Harvard, Harvard, Harvard, Harvard. Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. Paramount Podcasts.