The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Remotely Educational - Mathematics with Mr. Kosta

Episode Date: July 22, 2021

Michael Kosta gives an aggrieved lesson on the mathematics of divorce, breaking down the devastating division problems endured by cheating husbands. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. If you're listening to this ad, it's no accident, unless you forgot to hit Skip. But for marketers, finding the right audience matters. We worked hard for your attention. But you don't need to for your business. With Paramount Ads Manager, now you can reach huge audiences on the hottest shows on TV. That's right, big shows aren't just for the big brands. You can get 30-second views on TV instead of three in their social feeds. Best of all, it's easy. Sign up today, be on TV tomorrow with Paramount Ad's Manager.

Go to AdS Manager. Paramount.com. That's ADS Manager. Paramount. to learn more. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not tha tha tha tha Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruiter.com. Slip Recruiters' smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, Zip Recruiters' powerful matching technology starts showing you qualified people for it, and you can use Zip Recruiter's pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage

them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of at this exclusive web address.ziprecruiter.com slash zip. Again that's zip recruiter.com slash zip. Zip recruiter the smartest way to hire. Hi kids I'm Mr. Costa and today we're learning about mathematics and not trigonometry or calculus. Isaac Newton just made all that up to get late in high school. No, today's lesson is about using math for something that everyone goes through sooner or later. That's right. Divorce. Let's say we have a husband and a wife. They've been together for three years. The first two went by real quick, but then you know how things go the last one, well felt like an eternity. Then, one thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, you thi, you thi, you thi, you thi, you thi, you thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. tho, thi, thi, you thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. the is the is theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean, theeeeeeeeeeee. the. the. the. the go the last one, it felt like an eternity. Then one day he met someone who understood him better

and made him feel alive again, and we're not gonna get into it, but basically his wife saw the DMs. So now the couple has to divide everything by two, thanks to a woman judge. I mean, gender's not important, but come on. So problem one, if they have a house worth $400,000 and if you divide that by two, they each get, that's right, $200,000.

Even though he covered the entire down payment by getting a loan from his dad that he's still planning on paying back. Problem number two, let's say this couple has $24,000 in a joint savings account. And it doesn't matter that she's been taking more money out of it because he cheated, so he's obviously the most evil person in the universe. So divide this by two and how much does he get? $12,000, right? Wrong. Don't forget the lawyer fees.

Paid that guy's $6,000. She's still got everything that she wanted. So cut that in half again. And how much is the husband left with? That's right. Six grand. Now let's move on to the cars. Let's say we have two, an infinity QX50 and a key a forte.

The QX50 is worth $32 grand and the forte was worth $8,500. Now we don't even have to do the math here. She gets the infinity because she doesn't feel safe driving a sedan. So that's how they divide those two. Okay, last problem. Let's look at the man's weekly paycheck. Now let's say his job is making online educational videos and his salary is, oh, I don't know, $3,141.56 a month and that's gross.

So first you gotta take out taxes because, you know, gotta pay that judge's salary for all of her help. Then you subtract the alimony payments, my room at the Apple Motor Lodge, generic brand Lexapro, and vet bills for a Bichon you never wanted in the first place. Okay, so let's subtract. How much do I, does he, whatever, have left? $78.25. Really? Really?

Jesus. But don't worry. He doesn't have a lot of expenses now that the woman he was seeing suggested to slow things down. Apparently they spent one too many date nights eating dinty more stew. It's not important. The point is, kids. If this math is a little advanced for you and you want to avoid it, here's the most important lesson of all. Get a preen up.

Otherwise, you're gonna end up selling six pints of blood every two weeks for $10 a pint. And that's math nobody should have to know. I'm feeling weak. Mr. Costa's got to lie down. to you, to you, to you, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to you, to thoan to to to to to to to to you to to you to to you to to you to you to you to you to you to you to you to you to you to you to you to you to you to you to you to you to you to th. th. th. th. th. thiia thia thia thia thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. the. thea. thea. thea. thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. toe. the. th should have to know. I'm feeling weak. Mr. Costa's got to lie down. Class dismissed everybody. Oh my God, what happened to me? The Daily Show with Trevor Noah Ears Edition. Subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. If you're listening to this ad, it's no accident unless you forgot to hit Skip, but for marketers

finding the right audience matters. We worked hard for your attention. But you don't need to for your business. With Paramount Ads Manager, now you can reach huge audiences on the hottest shows on TV. That's right, big shows aren't just for the big brands. You can get 30-second views on TV instead of three in their social feeds. Best of all, it's easy. Sign up today, be on TV tomorrow with ParamountAdsManager.pamou. Go to Ad's Manager.paramount.com. That's ADES Manager. Paramount.

to learn that very question. really finish last. I'm Tim Harford, host of the Cautionary Tales podcast, and I'm exploring that very question. Join me for my new miniseries on the Art of Fairness. From New York to Tahiti will examine villains undone by their villainy, monstrous self-devaring egos and accounts of the extraordinary power of decency. Listen on the I-Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.