The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Ronny Chieng and Jordan Klepper: Sports War | Lewis Black on Tesla’s Cybertruck

Episode Date: May 29, 2024

Jordan Klepper and Ronny Chieng host a new segment called "Sports War" and debate the latest sports news including Caitlin Clark’s WNBA debut, the fecal hazards in Paris ahead of the Olympics, and the KC Chiefs kicker’s misogynist commencement speech. Plus, Lewis Black explains the many ways Tesla’s Cybertruck might be cyber-f**ked.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show. It's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday?

I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. Hey there, it's Michael Costa. The Daily Show's on a break this week, but don't worry. We handpick some of our favorite recent moments from the show, in case you missed them. We'll be back with brand new episodes next week.

Until then, enjoy today's episode. Welcome back to the Daily Show. There's been a lot of sports news recently, so for some thoughtful nuance debate, we turn to Sports War. Get ready for battle. It's time for Sports War. Brought you by Gambling. It's literally free money.

Get it's literally free money. What's up, Scrubs? I'm Rodney Chagg., I'm Ronnie Chez. And I'm Jordan Clepper, this is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. That's right. I mean, that's wrong. Yeah, no, you're wrong.

Let's get right to the biggest story of the night. Caitlin Clark made her pro debut and learned everything gets a little less fun after college. Welcome to the WNBA, hey, hey, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, to to to to to to to to to the W.C, to the W.C, the W.C, the W.C.C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. to, to, to, to, to, to, th. th. the. th. the to, the the to. the to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the to. to. the the the the the the the the th. the th. th. college. Welcome to the WNBA, Caitlin Clark. The NCAA's all-time Division I scoring leader made her professional debut on the road with the Indiana fever last night. She got off to a slow start, though, missing her first four shots before scoring on a lay-up midway through the second quarter. Clark finished with 20 points in the fever's 92 to 71 lost to the Connecticut son. She also committed 10 turnovers. Sorry, feminists. Ten turnovers and a team lost by 20

points in her first game. I've seen enough man. I think Caitlin Clark is the worst basketball player in history. She's tall, she's white and she didn't show up when it mattered. She's the Jordan Clepper of the WMBA. Ronnie, Ronnie, I'm going to to to to hit to hit to hit to hit to hit you to hit you to hit you to hit you the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the thi. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the thi thi the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi the the the the the te te te teeeeeeeeeea teea tee tea tea. tea tea tea the the the the tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when it mattered. She's the Jordan Clepper of the WMBA. Well, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, I'm gonna hit you with my car and leave the scene. Let's look at the stats here, Rottie. Look at these things. She scored 20 points. That's four more than Michael Jordan had in his rookie debut.

Which mathematically makes her staier, thi and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan. Oh, yeah, you want to talk about stats? I have a stat right here for you, okay? Look at this, Jordan Clepper, didn't lose his virginity until he's 38. Man, you're the gaud of whatever that is. Okay, in a way, here's your step right here, eat shit, okay? Moving on. We are officially 72 days away from the organizers are finding themselves in deep duty, literally. There's a huge effort to get the River Seins hit for use in the Olympic Games. A report from earlier this month of the bacteria, including pollution of fecal origin, was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that even a rainstorm could raise E. coli

to an unacceptable level. And Olympic organizers still hope that the River Seine can be used for the swimming events. Ooh, the River Seine is filled with ecoli. That is gross. These athletes are gonna pick up a disease at the Olympics. It should be the old-fashioned way. Unprotected sex in the Olympic Village. The only way to do it.

Wrong as usual, Jordan. I think the Olympic Village. The only way to do it. The only way to do it. Wrong as usual, Jordan. I think the Olympics needs more E. coli, OK? Because if you're a world-class athlete, then prove it. By pole vaulting with active diarrhea. Oh, you love. You love it. You love it. I love it. The last time I came to your house for your house, to. to toa. toa. toa. toa. to too. to to to too. to to to to too. to too. to too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. to the the too. too. too. I was the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. the the the the the the thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I the. I thea. I ta. toooooooooo.................................babs like Salt Bay, you know? Yeah, I love that stuff.

Your hospitality was for the birds, Ronnie the birds, two stars. I was puking all night. Yeah, well, I pew from just looking at your oblong face. Oblong face, is that right? Is that how you say it? The point is, just like the fourth of July at the week. Where you can pick which country will get the most E. coli in the 2024 Olympics. Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Start spending. You've already won. And don't forget to claim your 20% bonus boost by entering the promo code. Clepper sucks. No, I don't like that code. I told you I don't like that code. It's not you okay. It's a different clipper. It's okay. that's a. today. the. the. the. the. the. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. the. the. the. the's. to. to. to. the. to. to. to to to to to to to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to. to. to. to. to. to. the the to. the the the the the t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. to. to. to. to. to. to. te. then, that's okay. No, just kidding. It's you because you suck. I suck.

I suck. You blow. Who cares? We're all dead inside. Get over it. Let's talk about sports. All right. Speaking at sports, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs is in hot water after making the biggest speech at Benedictine and Atchison. Butker claimed that a woman's most important role is that of a homemaker and demanded

that men be more masculine. Be unapologetic in your masculinity. Fighting against the cultural emasculation of men. Hey, I say we should listen to this, Kicker, okay? Yeah, they're the football players with the least amount of brain damage. And I'm glad me speaking up for emasculated men, like Jordan. Congratulations, Jordan, for the first time in your life someone on the football team is speaking to you. You don't have to wear that fake varsity jacket anymore. F-fooke you, Ronnie, I told you that in confidence. Moving to a new school that's is is is is thoomom school school school school school school school school school, it is is that's is thiii. It's, moving, it's, thi. It's, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. to thin. tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooi. theea. thi. thi. thi, thi. was a natural way to make friends. Anyway, this kicker thing raises a larger problem. Why do we have people kicking in American sports? Americans handle balls with our hands like Ronnie's mom. You know, just... That's wrong, Jordan. You know my

entire family has a foot fetish. Which brings us to out bet everything wage of the evening. Which useless position player will be the next to wade into the culture war? As always, to the tho, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, th, th, why, why, th th th th the the the the the tho, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, do the the the the the the the the the the their th th th th tho, why tho, why th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, th the th the th th th the, the the the the their their their their their their their their the, the, the, the, theeeeeat, that, their, their, their, their, their position player will be the next to wade into the culture war? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling, it will fix everything. Oh. Speaking of gambling, let's move on to our final story. Prosecutors in Los Angeles say Shoea O'Tani's former interpreter has agreed to plead guilty to stealing almost $17

million from the LA Dodger superstar. The U.S. Attorney's office say I pay Mizorah used the money to pay off gambling debts and other personal expenses without O'Tani's knowledge. This interpreter stole $17 million from O'Tani. That settles it. Interpreters should be outlawed, okay? If you don't know the language, you should just have to guess. Hard disagree. Hard disagree, Rody. The problem isn't interpreters. It's languages.

We should only have one, I suggest English. Oh, wow, big surprise. Of course, this is just English. That's only language your tiny brain can handle. The biggest head, the smallest brain over you. English, is going to be the dominant global language for at least five more years. Look, I'm speaking the Major League language here. Why would I go back to AAA and learn Finnish? Oh, what? Finnish? That's not even a real language, you dumb ass. It is! It's what they speak in Canada. Ronnie, read a book. All right. But do it on your own time because we are on to the big bet of the night.

Is this Otani story yet another sign that America's normalization of gambling is corroding society? Brought to you by gambling. Remember, gambling? Bet now, live forever. Well, we're out of time. Join us next time on sports war. We'll be debating Michael Jordan versus Caitlin Clark, who's more likely to contract E. coli. Good night America, gambling. Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the

weekly show coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the Daily Show. When a news story falls through the cracks, Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call Back in Black. Cars used to be a way to let people know you were cool.

Cars used to be a way to let people know you were having a midlife crisis. Cars used to be a way to let people know you were cool. Or in the case of your friend's dad, to let people know you were having a midlife crisis. And in recent years, one of the coolest cars you could buy was the Tesla. Not only was it a status symbol, but it was electric. It was like a compost bin that you could drink and drive in. For a while, Tesla's stock price was skyrocketing, but now it's sliding down like half of Mitch McConnell's face. The numbers are in, and Tesla has fallen short of expectations. Elon Musk's electric vehicle company releasing its first quarter earnings, showing

its biggest revenue drop in over a decade in the first three months of the year, car sales dropping 8.5 percent, adding to a plummeting stock price that so far this year has gone down over 40%. Holy shit! Downed 40%! The only thing worth less than Tesla stock is a fully grown adult at P. Diddy's house! house. Stop it. Stop it. That's the least of the problems. But don't worry Tesla owner. Elon Musk has a perfectly reasonable, dumb as f-explanation for this. We should be thought of as an AI robotics company.

If you value Tesla as just like an order company, you would just have to fundamentally, it's just the wrong framework. Sorry, Elon, my mistake. All this time I thought your company that sold cars was a car company. God, one of us must be a real, fucking idiot. So Tesla's clearly in the shitter and the thing that was supposed to save it was the same it was the same. God, one of us must be a real fucking idiot. So Tesla's clearly in the shitter and the thing that was supposed to save it was the cyber truck, a vehicle that looks like what happens when you inbred Dolorians.

But unfortunately the cyber truck appears to be cyber-truck. Tesla recalling its entire fleet of cyber trucks, nearly 4,000 in all. The company says the accelerator pedal could get stuck, causing the pickup to unintentionally speed up risking a crash. Well, remember, it's not a car crash. It's an AI crash. Open your mind, man. Seriously, though, you recalled all of them?

None were okay? Even with the bald wins, they made one good one. I'm not going to say which one. I don't want to get shot. And this is just the... And this is just the latest problem with Robo Cops' Feehagon, because that thing's been shit in the bed since day one. We've gotten a lot of tales of malfunction. So for example, vehicles dying after traveling just one mile.

The stainless steel vehicles are quickly showing signs of rust. One guy sharing how the drive-through car wash was too much for the Tesla Cyber Truck. He doesn't know what happened, but says the owner's manual does say you should never wash your car in sunlight. A Tesla Cyber Truck had to be rescued by a Ford pickup after the Tesla got stuck in the mud and snow on a road in the Sierras south of Lake Tahoe. Oh, fancy cyber truck had to get rescued by the big tough Ford. You're the laughing stock of all the other trucks. That Ford pickup's probably banging your wife right now, you cybercuck. Plus, what use is a truck if it can't off-road? That's like a sex doll with no holes.

Now, I just seem weird having it on my couch. And this car isn't just failing its owners. It's trying to eat them. Cyber truck users are reporting injuries from the automatic trunk. Everybody's been waiting for this, the finger, without further ado. I'm closing the cyber truck. I'm gonna put my finger flat right here and see what happens. Ready, ready, ready? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay. Oh my God. Oh. Okay, I can't even move my finger right now.

I might have actually broken it. Good. Good, because I'm Team Cyber Truck on this one. You morons had it coming. Do us all a favor. Save us from another generation of Cyber Truck drivers. Stick your balls in there, too. Luckily, I still have all my fingers so I can deliver this message to Elon on behalf of

Tesla Stockholders. Unlike, unlike AI, this is pretty straightforward. So is this one. Jordan? Louis Black, everybody. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Hey, everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the Weekly Show coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the Weekly Show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast.