The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Ronny Chieng Hates The Holidays

Episode Date: December 25, 2022

Ronny Chieng on why climate change is making Christmas the worst holiday ever.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. It's officially the holiday season. A time for family, togetherness, and cocktails with eggs for some reason. But you better enjoy it while it lasts. Ronnie Chang tells us why in another installment of Everything is Stupid. It's Christmas again. It's just another excuse for you people to send me stupid pictures of your family. Oh, great, another baby dressed as an elf? Wow, thanks for the reminder to get a vasectomy. But now, thanks to all these stupid world leaders not giving us shit about climate change,

everything you love about Christmas is going to disappear, starting with Christmas trees. This year, your Christmas tree could wind up costing you more than you've spent in the past. At this farm outside Los Angeles, the average tree costs around a hundred bucks. Nationwide, a fresh-cut Christmas tree now averages $76, double what it cost in 2008. Blame it on climate change. Rising temperatures, wildfires, and drought have all made farming more challenging. Yeah, that's right.

Climate change is taking away Christmas trees. By 2050, they're going to be so expensive that the tree will be the present. How are you going to trick kids into behaving that way? Listen, you better be good all year or you're not going to get a Douglas fir for Christmas. Why do people want Christmas trees in their house anyway? All they do is shed pine needles all over the floor. If that's what you're into, just call me, I'll stab youes that are going away. Climate change is going to kill Santa's transportation too.

In our Eye on Earth series, we'll take you to Santa's hometown in the North Pole, where climate change is threatening the reindeer population. The reindeer feed, even through the winter, on lichen, a mossy plant they dig down through the snow, to get at it. Except when all that that thawing thawing thawing thawing thawing thawing thawing thawing the the the thawing the the the the to get it, except when all that thawing and refreezing means they can't. And when the snow turns to ice, what happens to the reindeer? We have to feed them. You know things are bad when your entire species depends on a guy in a weird hat. Okay?

I mean, what if he oversleeps one day? He'll be like, oh shit, my alarm didn't go off. Now I need to dig a mass reindeer grave. And this is a big problem, okay? Because without rain deer, how is Santa gonna get around? He's gonna have to hitchhike around the world. Trading rights for hand jobs, okay? But guess what?

The climate crisis is coming for our New Year's drinks too. Another popular consumer item that's expected to get a lot more expensive, Proseco. Climate change is doing a number on the grapes that make the sparkling wine. Paolo Thomasella says extreme weather is posing new challenges at his vineyard. Climate change is a big problem. When it's hot, when it's raining, it's very much. Perseco, he explained, should have low alcohol and high acidity, but high temperatures and earlier ripening produce the opposite effect. That's right, thanks to climate change, Proseco is going to cost more and taste worse.

Although, to be fair, if you care about taste, you wouldn't be drinking Proseco. You peasants! Proseco, okay, you peasants. Proseco is just champagne that dropped out of high school. You know what my holiday drinker choice is? It's good old-fashioned rubbing alcohol. That's right. Sure, it'll make you go blind, but that's when the party really starts. So, happy new everyone. Spoiler alert, 2020 is going to be worse.

Ronnie Chang, everyone. Spoiler alert, 2020 is going to be worse. Ronnie Chang, everyone. Watch the Daily Show, Weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.