The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Roy Wood Jr.: Father Figure

Episode Date: July 16, 2021

On his 2017 stand-up special, Roy Wood Jr. tackles freeway protests, examines the origin of the blues and explains why the Confederate flag is sometimes helpful. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Speaking of which, get you a white friend. Black men with white friends are 38% less likely to be shot by the police. Are you listening? You just gonna stare at me. You're just gonna stare. That's what you're gonna do? This is serious stuff, man. I'm gonna put this on video for you. And when you're old enough, you come back and watch it, deal? All right, deal. Thank you. But if we get rid of the Confederate flag, the confederate flag, how am I going to know who the dangerous white people are? But if we get rid who the dangerous white people are?

I'm just saying the flag had a couple upsides, let's just be real about it. I ain't saying keep it around, but I grew up in the south. I can't tell you how many times the Confederate flag came in handy. You stopping for gas at a strange place at two in the morning, you see that flag hanging from the window. You know this is not the place to get to get to get to get to get to get to get the place to get the place the place the place the place to get the place the place the place the place the place the place the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their, you know this is not the place to get gas. It can keep it moving. What's the rush to get rid of the flag? Especially if you're white, if you're white, you should want to keep the flag for a little

while longer, so at least black folks will know you cool? Because if you're white and you're not an asshole, that's the one thing that helps us identify you. You get rid of that flag, you'll be, mm-hmm. We got to figure out a way to know who the cool white people. Cool white people. We just got to start giving y'all wristbands or hand stamps. Just something you can show in a dark alley.

Let us know you down to to to you to to to to to thua thua thua thua thua thua thua thua thua thua thua tho black white thin white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white white to to show to to to to to to to to that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's us know you down with the struggle. That'd be cool. Give me your money, white dude, like whoa, ah, ah, ah, I'm so sorry. Come on through. No, they got the wristband. Say good, listen, put this wristband on. Just want to win out. In case it go down, we'll have that wristband on. Atlanta, what's going on. How y'all doing, man? You're good? Oh yeah, thank you a lot, man. Love the South, man. I'm from Birmingham, man.

It's good. Yeah, Birmingham in here. Yeah, Birmingham in here. I love the South, man. You know, South, we got some tension. We got our issues, you know. I talked to my uncle about it, you know, my uncle. First thing we need to do is get rid of the N-word.

My uncle don't like the N-word. My uncle try to quit the end-word. My uncle try to quit the end-a-s, the way-the way-in-the way-in-in-in-in-the way-in-in-in-in-the way-in-in-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-in-a-a-a-in-a-a-a-a-a-in-wi-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a. I the way, I the way, I the way, I the way, I the way, I the way It's a word. Ain't no cravings. Either you say it or you don't. I'm not going to be calling me every week with updates. I only said it full times. Only said that full time. Now, Sunday's my cheat day because I watch football. I got to say it on Sunday.

Grown man, drop her first down. I got to call them the end word word word word down, I got to call him the N-word. That's just what it is. And this is my thing with the N-word, like, at this point, black folks, like if we try to get stuff done politically in this country, we inching. We inching, we inching. But at this point, I think it's time for us to schedule a meeting with gay people get way more shit done than us. They don't mess around. Gay people shut shit down.

They want something to go away, it's gone. They don't fool around, man. Every week it's five, six new words you can't call gay people. Black folks, we've been working on the N-word since 1804. We can't get one word out the American vocabulary, gay people up to 37 words. We need to go to Panera and have a meeting with gay people. Have a soup and salad and figure this out. That's how you figure out your issues over soup and salad.

You can't even say gay no more. That's how good gay people are. The only word left to address gay people by, you better not fumble that word in the sentence. That's your ass. You use gay in the wrong context at work and see if you don't have to go talk to Sylvia and HR. H.R. be. on your ass immediately because you mumbled gay one time the wrong way. You was by yourself when you said the shit and you still got in trouble. It's not like he was walking through the cubicles telling gay jokes.

He was in the break room. You was alone and your chips got stuck in your customer. That don't mean you're a bad person. You was just hungry. You say anything when you're hungry. Every man in this room, we've all been through it. Them chips get stuck at the top of the machine, and you try to jostle the machine a little bit. Them chips and nobody got to to buy two packs. Give me the chips, you're gay ass machine. Sylvia line too, Sylvia line too.

Security to the break room, security to the break room. That's it, and you're gone because you call some chips gay. But that's the power of the gay agenda. They figured out a way to influence the political process in this country to make sure that their issues or at least heard. Even if people don't get the bills passed, they at least listen to them. And that's what I'm trying to tell my uncle. You don't like the end word, man. You want to get rid of tomorrow. Listen, I don't like it either, all right?

But that's the best idea I got right now, okay? At least that's when I'm going to teach my son. I'm a father figure. I got to show him the right way. They try to divide us on television, you know. But it's a lot of people that aren't black, that's standing on the right side of issues that affect us. I appreciate those folks, you know. They don't get highlighted them. There's plenty of people out there that care about black stuff. I hadn't seen them, man. I went to a black history museum.

I had a white tour guy. Hey, it threw me off for a second. I turned to the brother that was on the tour of me. I'm going to do it. It was a white dude. It was a white dude telling me about my shit. And he was good. Yeah, I was trying to hate on them.

By the end of the tour, I was like, Yo, bro, you did your thing, man. Straight up, fam. You do what you do. Real quick. Let me give you one of these wristbands real quick. We will put that on. In case you go down, you want to wear that wristband. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience.

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I'm Tim Harford, host of The Cautionary Tales podcast, and I'm exploring that very question. Join me for my new mini series on the Art of Fairness. We'll travel from New York to Tahiti to India on a quest to learn how to succeed without being a jerk. We'll examine stories of villains undone by their villainy and monstrous self-devaring egos, and we'll delve into the extraordinary power of decency. We'll face mutiny on the vast Pacific Ocean, blaze a trail with a pioneering skyscraper, and dare to confront a formidable empire.

The art of fairness on cautionary tales. Listen on the I-Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts. Or wherever you listen to podcasts. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at.

That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17, wherever you get your podcasts. I know some folks got a problem with that. You don't want a white person at Black History Museum. I understand that. You don't want a white person at Black History Museum. I understand that. Here's the thing. I'm not saying they better than a black tour guide. I think a black tour guide at a civil rights museum, I think they're better equipped to speak

on the experience. Because they might have lived that life. They can speak to certain exhibits from a perspective tour guide, you need to go in the morning while he's still in a good mood. That brother is stressed. You can't walk around slavery all day for eight hours and not cuss at somebody. Somebody getting cussed. You gotta catch him at 9 a.m. He just finished that McGriddle. How y'all do it? My name is Charles. It's my pleasure to take you over this journey.

Look at these exhibits right here. Black history, it's American history. Come look at the exhibits. You think that brother will be in a good mood at 430? He's been staring at slavery? That dude liable to cuss out everybody. Look at this shit come look what you're done to us. Come look what you're done to us. Look what you get your ass out my museum mother fucker. You go to the gift shop it's just people crying that's horrible that's horrible. That's scary.

Something's wrong, just don't be one of these people that surprise that black folks got issues. Then the people I can't deal with. I'd rather talk to somebody that don't agree with me than somebody has had their eyes close. How did you know black people? Why are black people angry? We've been angry. This ain't new. You think this just happened last couple of years? Black folks been trying to tell y'all forever that they had some issues and we sat we invented the blues. What more of a sign did you need? We literally invented an entire genre of music based on sadness.

That's how sad we, we, the blues was created here. That is an American art form. That is not native, Africa. You go listen to old African music. The shit is happy because we was free. Look at every old African. As soon as we got off the slave ship. Broom, boom, boom, boom, boom. We've been sad. How the hell are you surprised?

You're not patriotic. They're not patriotic. The black people don't like the national anthem anymore. What's it? There ain't no shock to you, man. You want to know what black folks feeling, just listen to their music. Our music tell you everything is going on in the black psyche. It's a beautiful telegram.

And nowhere in the history of black music is there a hit patriotic song? It ain't what we do. I mean we'll cover a song but like we don't write no original patriotic song. Black artists ain't another because we got a conflicted relationship with the country. You can't write no honest patriotic song. You gotta lead out to white. The artist ain't had a good time. You had a good time in America. You're damn right. You should be writing the patriotic patri patri patri patri patri patri patri patri patri patri patri patri patri patri patri the patri the to white, the artist. They ain't had a good time. You had a good time in America. You're damn right. You should be writing the patriotic,

and I'm proud to be in America, where it's not no one's free. They'd be serious. You couldn't possibly expect that level of patriotism from a race of people that have so many issues. You can't. It's not realistic. Black people don't, we don't sing about America. We sing about specific cities where you can have a good-ass time.

That's what we do. That's what we do. We don't talk about the country. We can tell you where the party at though, we can do that. Look, I can't tell you nothing about America, but let me tell you about the city where the heat is on all night on the beach to the early moan. Welcome to Miami, that's where you got to go. You ever been to California?

Oh my God, boy, you have to go down the California, the California, the California, the California, the the to the to to the to to the the to go down to go down the to go down to go down to go down to go down to go down the to go down to go to the to to California knows how to party. The city of LA, the city of Good Old Watch, and the city of Compton. They keep it rocking. Write that shit down. I'm trying to tell you. You keep it rocking. Black people don't do patriotism. Black people don't do patriotism. Maybe George on my mind.

Maybe that. That's a good song. It's warm. It's about the country. Ray Charles, George on my mind. Good song, but the key word next song is on my mind. Ray Charles was just thinking about Georgia. He didn't tell you to go there. George is like every other part of the South. It's got some pockets you should not be in after dark. If you'd have asked Ray Charles to be more specific on where in Georgia to go, he'd have said, go to Atlanta where the players play and they ride on them things like every day. My Uncle Derek try to shut me down on that one.

What about James Brown living in America? That's patriotic. James Brown singing about America is original and he black. Living in America. I da! It's a good song, but keep it real, man. James Brown wrote that song for Rocky 4, and as soon as he finished singing that Apollo Creed died in the ring. It's a sad song.

It's a sad song. How can you hear living in America not think about Apollo Creed just fallen lifeless? It's a sad song. How can you hear living in America not think about Apollo Creed just fallen lifeless? Michael B. Jordan lost it's the opposite. It's a secret message to black people. James Brown is one of the most masterful musicians to ever walk this earth, dude. It's a brilliant song. That song ain't got nothing to do with America.

That entire song, Living in America is a secret message to black folks. All you do, listen to the end of the song. Very end of the song, living in America, very end of the song, the end of the song, living in America, New Orleans, Detroit City, Dallas, all Kansas City, Atlanta, all you're just naming safe places for black folks. That's... All right. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter.

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Try it for free at this exclusive web address, Zip Recruiter.com slash zip recruiter. The smartest way to hire. It's been said that Nye Skies finish last. But is that really true? I'm Tim Harford, host of The Cautionary Tales podcast, and I'm exploring that very question. Join me for my new miniseries on the Art of Fairness. We'll travel from New York to Tahiti to India on a quest to to to to to to to to to to toies on the art of fairness. We'll travel from New York to Tahiti to India on a quest to learn how to succeed without being a jerk.

We'll examine stories of villains undone by their villainy and monstrous self-devaring egos, and will delve into the extraordinary power of decency. We'll face mutiny on the vast Pacific Ocean, blaze a trail with a pioneering skyscraper, and dare to confront a formidable empire. The art of fairness on cautionary tales. Listen on the Iheart radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at, that's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News, listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. Love black music, man. Hit you, you know? That's why I have, that's why I have a hard time going to see Civil Rights movies.

I have to go see Civil Rights movies in the middle of the day, so nobody can see me crying. Because the movies be hitting you, man. Civil Rights movies get me with that Negro humming. Oh my God, I break down. Because you know, every Civil Rights movie just got that scene where it's just some humming freedom. Freedom, you tell me that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that don't that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. I th. I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the just some humming to the freedom of

you tell me that don't break you down the middle of a civil rights movie just said humming that don't even be nothing serious happening on screen I'd be crying it's just a dude putting butter on a waffle just a freedom Oh no no You'd be in the the theater ball ball and put it butter on the waffle. They wouldn't let them. They wouldn't let them.

Civil rights movies get me all the time, man. They get me with the humming, and then they always make black people fall in slow motion. Every civil rights movie, black person fall in slow. Why you got to slow down my pain. Just play it at regular speed. Anytime a black person fall in the civil rights movie, they fall, then they do that double bounce in the dirt, and the dirt come up. Get out of here, darky!

Scot out! Ooh! Pee! P! Puh! Pah! Don't do that to me. The most powerful civil rights movie scene of all time is Selma.

I can name the scene. It's when Oprah Winfrey got slapped. This dude slapped the fire, the second time, not the first time she got slapped. This dude slapped the fire. Oh, it was the second time. Not the first frey got slapped. This dude slapped the fire, it was the second time, not the first time she got slapped the second time. This dude slapped Oprah Winfrey so hard, she fell in slow motion and there was Negro humming. I left the theater, I couldn't even tell you how to move in. It was too powerful, I'm on my emotions. First of all, Oprah couldn't have known she was getting slapped. She didn't know. She didn't know she was getting slapped. That dude, that was Ava Duvene, that was the director, she made that choice.

It's a good ass director. Ava Duvene went up to that actor between scenes. Okay, we love what you're doing. We're just gonna change it up this scene. Okay, this time, Oprah's gonna come over. Okay, she's gonna do her lines and Oprah, she finishes her lines, slap the shit out, just slap Oprah. Slap Oprah. Slap Oprah.

Does Oprah? Does Oprah, no, don't do what I tell you. I'm able to-dovenate. Slap Oprah. Oprah. Oprah came over that dude, man. You can see it in her face. She didn't know that slap was coming.

We ain't leaving till we get our rights. Skata! Freedom, oh, no, no, oh, oh, pp. The thing about this country is this. We're all. We're all Americans. People love to say that. That's the first thing people want to say when there's some tension.

Are we, we're all Americans? We're all Americans. You're to say that. That's the first thing people want to say when there's some tension, we're all Americans. You're American, I'm American, we'll just hale. We're all Americans. I would just be all Americans. Yeah, we are. We all Americans, but we live in two different Americas. That's what it is.

People forget that. And I don't think everybody that doesn't understand what we go through is necessarily racist or bigot. That's a far jump. It's a lot of folks that just straight up don't know what it's like. You got to educate them. You got to educate them on the kind of America you live in. I go to Best Buy and give a dude some straightening. Straighten his ass out. Yeah. I'm straightening.

Dude that Best Buy, gonna decide I don't need a bag with my purchase. You just have an iPhone case. I figure you could just pop that open. I don't know, it ain't popping shit. You put it in the bag. I need that in a bag. What do you need a bag for? I understand what you need a bag. It's wasteful, recycle. Don't you care about the earth? I go, sir, this has nothing to do with the earth. I'm a black man in America. I gotta leave this store with a bag, right?

It's about safety. I'm black. I don't get the luxury of just walking out with shit in my hand. That is a roll of the dice. That is a horrifying day. If I would, no, not only do I need that bag, bitch, I need that receipt. And staple it to the outside. I don't want a receipt in my hand. You staple my receipt to the outside like Chinese carryout.

And I hold it up in the air. A lion key. I'm Hakuna Matata, an iPhone case. I the best buy. And it's not his fault. He just didn't understand. He thought he was saving the earth, but he was saving a life. That's what he was doing.

This has nothing to do with recycling man because see you might be a cool person he might the cash here might be a cool ass dude but we don't know what the security guard have been through up front. I come prancing out of the best buy with this naked ass iPhone case in my hand here come security excuse me did you pay for that oh yeah I got the receipt he got the gun! Stop! the free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free free here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they they they they the they they th they c. they c. they c. they. He they. He's they they they the the the for that? Oh yeah, I got the receipt. He's gone for a gun! Stop on! Her na' freedom! It's been said that nice guys finish last. But is that really true?

I'm Tim Harford, host of The Cautionary Tales podcast, and I'm exploring that very question. Join me for my new miniseries on the Art of Fairness. We'll travel from New York to Tahiti to India on a quest to learn how to succeed without being a jerk. We'll examine stories of villains undone by their villainy and monstrous self-devaring egos and we'll delve into the extraordinary power of decency. We'll face mutiny on the vast Pacific Ocean, blaze a trail with a pioneering skyscraper, and dare to confront a formidable empire. The art of fairness on cautionary tales. Listen on the IHart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it.

This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts.

Everything ain't racism. About 2%. It ain't racism. That ain't racism. You gotta recognize that 2%, but you% please. I was at McDonald's. This dude was cussing everybody out. Swore it was racism. I walked in this fast food spot. This is a thing like fast food spots already do shady stuff. So I'm not saying they don't deserve to be cussed out. They do. They deserve a good cussing

every now in there. Because the thing they do now, some of these fast food spots, they love to charge you for sauce when you get nuggets. You know, you want an extra sauce with your nugget, it's going to be, you want another sauce brother, it's going to be 25 cents. How you're charging for sauce? That's, I want two sauces. Well, I need a quarter. You ever meet the guardian of the sauce? This dude is serious. You got a different color shirt from everybody else at work, so now he arrogant. You know, brother, I'm supervising the eyes, you know, if it was up to me, I would give you another sauce. It is up to you.

It's on your side of the counter. I just want two sauces without paying for him. That's all I want. But I walked in this spot, man, this dude was cussing out the whole store. Swore was racism. And I'm not saying that racism wasn't one of the causes for him getting bad service. I'm just saying he jumped to that conclusion a little fast. He didn't go through the progressions. He ordered a six-piece nugget.

It was five nuggets in the box. And I didn't even know what was going on. I'm texting. As soon as I walk in the door, I'm texting. I hear this dude, I hear this dude over in the cut. I hear this dude go, I kill everybody in this bitch. You know, that gave me pause. He said he'll kill everybody in this bitch. And I already had a foot in the door.

Am I technically in this bitch? Because I can pull this foot out and go to Arby. It ain't that deep. Swore it was racism, man. Y'all stole my nuggit, tied to white folks. White folks don't want us to have shit. Stow my nugget! Then he gonna turn to me, you see this shit brother, you see the gut me. It's our nuggets today, it's our children's nuggets tomorrow.

If I was white, I'd have got seven nuggets. That's what I backed off, I'm like, I can't help this good. I'm like, look, bro, I know you mad and there's a lot of racial tension in the world, but this ain't racism. This is a fast food spot at 2 o'clock in the morning. Some of them folks back there can't count to six. You want six nuggets, you need to order a four piece and a two piece. That's how you trick their ass and get two sauces for free.

I like fast food employees. I appreciate the fact that fast food employees are rude. I like fast food employees. I appreciate the fact that fast food employees are rude. I like it. At least it's from the heart. Because people too nice now. You go out to these stores, everybody, hey, how you doing? Are you kidding?

Thank you for choosing. You think them people want to be your friend or they'll get fired for not speaking? Which one you think them people want to be your friend or they'll get fired for not speaking? Which one you think it is? Because 10, 15 years ago, nobody spoke to you when you went in the store. Now all of a sudden everybody want to kick it with your ass? No. That's a corporate mandate. Now, rather you not do it, I get in the grocery store.

It's just too many questions at the register. We ain't gotta be friends? I'm here. I'm spending money. You won. What else do you want? Why, I gotta be your friend too, man. The price you pay for politeness is your time. So you want somebody to be nice to you? That's cool, enjoy it, but I'd rather get them minutes back with somebody I know. I know. I need all this politeness, man. I'm cool. Because people overdo it. I went on a cruise.

This is the weirdest thing ever, man. You go on the cruise, you meet every employee. Yeah, you go on the cruise. I met the captain of the boat. The captain of the cruise ship does laps around the boat every day speaking to people. That's too much. I have no need to meet you, sir. Listen, there's no, at no point in my vacation do I need to meet the highest ranking

officer on the boat. I don't need to do that. I'm at the pool. Here come the boat. I don't need to do it. I'm at the pool. Here come the captain. He's got a stupid jacket on, he's sashay in around. Rock on the board, I am the captain. Yes. We are having pleasure. We are in Oshan and we have pleasure. He's got them. It's got them stupid medals dangling officer jacket out. They took heavy fire and cars a mail. I don't know how he got them. they've... We are having fun in the ocean south. Are you having fun? Bitch, who driving? It's too much. You go on a cruise, it makes you appreciate airline pilots. I respect airline pilots. Airline pilots ain't got no chit-chat for you, no small talk before the flight. You don't even meet them. That's the flight attendants job. You get on the plane, who you see first? It's the flight attendant. Welcome aboard, how are

you? I'm thinking this way, yeah. Captain ain't got time to talk to your goofy ass? You get on the plane, look in the cockpit. What's it? Too the the the the plane the plane the plane the the the the the plane the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the plane. the plane. the plane. the plane, the the the the the the the the to the the the the the the the the the plane, the plane, the plane, the plane, the plane, the plane, the plane. the plane. the plane. the plane. the plane. the plane. the plane. the plane. the plane. the plane. the plane. the plane. the plane. the plane. the the plane. the the the the train. train. train. train. train. train. train, train, train, train, train, train, train, train, the the train, the the train, the plane. the cockpit what you see two alcoholics checking buttons that's how you see what's it two grown ass men just did you check all the buttons you can check the buttons up here and you check the buttons down here just don't just check up the start of it ladies and gentlemen it's gonna be a slight delay you gotta recheck all these buttons thank you for choosing that's it that's it the captain's job to come over Gotta recheck all these buttons. Thank you for choosing. That's it. That's it. That's the captain's job.

To come over the intercom and let you know what's happening. That's it. No jokes, all business. That's why they paused the movie. They stop serving drinks because the captain got important shit to ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, the sky, so sit that ass down. So we can get up there. Something go wrong, talk to them heifers in the back. I can't help you right now.

Because I'm up here, I'm trying to fly this bitch, so don't you come up here? My door's locked, I got a shotgun. Fuck with me, rest. Thank you for choosing. Thank you. The captain is all business and I respect it. He's all business until the plane lands. That's when he knows time to get some respect from y'all. The captain knows that he did some dope shit and he wants you to know he did some dope shit.

I just flew you 500 miles an hour at 30,000 feet. I landed this flight in a 50 mile an hour across wind on the first attempt. I want you to know who your God is. Yeah. The captain won his respect. That's why when you get off the plane, the captain be standing in the door like a boss. Like what's up? Co-pilot be next to him.

Co-pilot be next to him, but you can do the number show love to the captain. I'm like, you're bro, you did your thing, man, you flew that plane. Real quick, let me give you one of these wristbands. You know, put that on, in case it jump off. And will your respect? It's been said that nice skies finish last. But is that really true? I'm Tim Harford, host of The Cautionary Tales podcast, and I'm exploring that very question.

Join me for my new miniseries on the Art of Fairness. We'll travel from New York to Tahiti to India on a quest to learn how to succeed without being a jerk. We'll examine stories of villains undone by their villainy and monstrous self-devaring egos, and we'll delve into the extraordinary power of decency. We'll face mutiny on the vast Pacific Ocean, blaze a trail with a pioneering skyscraper and dare to confront a formidable empire. The art of fairness on cautionary tales. Listen on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts.

When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. Trying to lose weight. It's hard, man.

Losing weight, they tell you everything you need to know about losing weight except for how much it's going to cost. It's hard when it's time to lose weight. I'm drinking all these damn smoothies. The expensive, five, six damn dollars for fruit and ice in a cup. How? How, how? How? How?

How was it five, six damn dollars for fruit and ice in the cut? And they trick you with smoothie. They try to trick us because they put all them little extra words and adjectives in the name of the smoothie. Don't fall for it. It's fruit and ice. Okay, you had a mango sunset peach tranquility and you just, no? I ain't had no tranquility. Take the tranquility tranquility tranquility tranquility out out out out out out out ain't had no tranquility, take the tranquility out, take that out. Hold the tranquility. That should knock it down to 350, that should get it down. Smoothie's so expensive, I'm surprised rappers don't talk about them in their songs. You give a damn about a rapper with a damn nice car and some jewelry. You want to impress me? Pour some kale out in the club.

Do that. That's how I know your ass got some money. We drinking kale up in here. We got that kale up in here. We got that kale up in here. We got a kid. There'd be some girl in a bikini with soy milk just drizzling down. I don't know about marriage. A lot of my friends are married. I'm at this weird age now.

I'm at this weird age where like I got friends getting married late and I got friends that's getting divorced. Like, a lot of my friends are married and I'm at this weird age where like, I got friends getting divorced. You know, and I don't know who to go celebrate with. This is my thing about divorce. What I love about divorce, I love how people won't shut the hell up about their wedding, but they divorce is none of your business. That's not cool. You run in your mouth all this time about your engagement, y'all break up, what happened?

I want to know. Tell me what happened. Especially if I went to the wedding, if I went to your wedding and you divorced, I'm entitled to a one-page explanation. Much money as I spent. Either you tell me why y'all getting divorced or you give me back to toaster I bought your ass. It's a good ass toaster. That's four slice with the crumb tray. That's top shelf.

Put a bagel button. You don't know about that bagel button. That's for ballers. My uncle Derek tell me to watch Titanic. My uncle Derek to watch Titanic. You got to watch Titanic. You don't know how to woo a woman, boy, I'm telling you titanics, show you. That boy, Leo DiCaprio, boy, that boy, got that good, boy, that girl was out of his league, he pulled up. And then he died, he died happy. He was smiling when he was drowning.

He'd float down and smile. I went back and watched Titanic. Titanic is not that romantic of a movie. It's a good film, but it ain't romantic. Titanic is basically a movie about an old lady who got some dick so good that she went back out into the ocean to say goodbye to it. That's pretty much the movie. Go back and watch Titanic.

The whole thing is a flashback. It's a 90-year-old lady and she's on the bow of a ship. The whole movie's a flashback. It's a 90-year-old lady, she's looking out into the water and then it flashes back to everything that happened on the ship. He drown, she lives, they come back present day and and she's looking out into the water and then people are coming up and talking to her. Man, are you thinking about all your friends? You're lost out there? Oh, no baby. I'm thinking about that good dick. There's some good dick under that water. That's what I think of. Right here, 70 years ago. This is where I got my back beat out. Did you know what that was? Right here. Young gentleman, poverty

stricken, put that pipe on me. I couldn't handle it. He was steaming up and I was pressing my hand on that car window. That's why I walked like this. Give me the jewelry. She threw that jewelry into the water. Titanic ain't no romantic movie. If anything, it's a superhero movie. Leo DiCaprio is a superhero, bro. They had sex one time in that movie. Once, they had sex one time in Titanic. movie. Once, they had sex one time in Titanic. She remembered it for the next 70 years.

You know how good your pipe game got to be? To put it down once, one time, and for 70 years, that's all she can think about. She's 90. Think about how much stuff you probably will forget. I know by the time I'm 90. I'm not going to know where my car is parked. I'm not going to know my grandkids' names. I'm gonna have my pills in that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, trap door. But this lady is 90 and she never forgot that one time. His dick beat Alzheimer's. That's a superpower. You gotta respect that.

It's been said that nice guys finish last. But is that really true? I'm Tim Harford, host of the Cautionary Tales podcast, and I'm exploring that very question. Join me for my new miniseries on the Art of Fairness. We'll travel from New York to Tahiti to India on a quest to learn how to succeed without being a jerk. We'll examine stories of villains undone by their villainy, and monstrous self-deviring egos, and will delve into the extraordinary power of decency. We'll face mutiny on the vast Pacific Ocean, blaze a trail with a pioneering skyscraper,

and dare to confront a formidable empire. The art of fairness on cautionary tales. Listen on the I-He Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. I like old people, man. I hope I'm blessed enough to live long. Change the diet up, I had a couple years on the back end. Old people. I just, I want to get to that age where I can just cuss people out for

no reason. You know what I'm saying? Just unprovoked cussed out. Yeah, she's already smiling. You almost there, you got to just cuss people out. Because you look a little more time, but you just, you already train, you already cussed people now. And man you old you get to just cuss people out for no reason. I was in the grocery store this old dude rolled

up on me man. I wasn't bothering this dude. I'm in produce. I'm picking out my Fujiapples. I'm not bothering nobody in Fujiapples. He rolled up his sleeve. He showed me the scar. This dude's old. 80, 85 years old?

Look at that scar. Ask me how I got the sky. How'd you get the sky? I got it in the struggle, mother fuck. You don't know what it was like in 62? I'm like, what was it like? It was a struggle, you're telling me, bitch. And this is the thing, man, this is the thing with old black people,

like you can't disrespect them because they have physical proof that they were willing to die to make the country a better place for me. So I have to salute it. I paid for his groceries. This dude called me mothucker for 20 minutes. And I paid for his groceries. Just off respect. They got me thinking on the way home. You know, what have I done? And that's a very sobering feeling. It's a sobering realization to have to realize that what you've done doesn't quite measure up to what that man did, you know? This dude called me motherfucking and got free groceries. That's how much he put in work. Like I know I'm not going to get that same result.

I wish I could, but I know I'm not. Because the thing is that you start reflecting, you start reflecting on what you've done that compares to that. And I look at the things that I try to do now. Like I try my best to be socially active. I try my best to do stuff on a daily show that effects change. I try. But I'll be real, a lot of what I do now is just making up for lost time. Because I wasn't always like that and that's something I'm ashamed about. I didn't go see Obama get inaugurated

because it was too cold. That was my excuse. That was my excuse for missing history is cold. My homeboys called me up. We're riding the bus, we're going up to D.C., and ride the bus. I got cable. I got cable. I didn't go to the second time. I had four years to buy a coat and still didn't go see him. I skipped history twice. That's embarrassing. Because sooner or later, my son's going to be doing the book report on that. And he's going to flip to that Obama inauguration page and you're going to see those thousands of black people out in the National Mall just standing there. And he's gonna flip to that Obama inauguration page and you're gonna see those thousands of black people out in the National Mall just standing there and he's gonna come to me and I gotta be accountable for my absence. Daddy were you there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm right. They cropped me out. I was right, they cropped me out. I was right there on the side. I just hope that, you know, what I try to do now is enough, you know? That's all you can do is what you can do, but I want free groceries. I'm not sure what I do. You know, that's all you can do is what you can do. But I want free groceries. is enough, you know. So all you can do is what you can do,

but I want free groceries. And I'm not sure what I did is enough. So I might have to just spice up my story, just add whatever and it happened. When I'm 80, I'm gonna go in the grocery store, start cussing out kids. You wo'n't in the struggle, mother fucker. You don't know what it was like in 2017?

What was it like? It was a struggle in 2017, motherfucker. And we tried to march for police reform. And I ordered six nuggets. Them white folks only gave me five. I had to pay for two sauces. Atlanta, I can't thank y'all enough for two sauces. Atlanta, I can't thank y'all enough for the time.

Thank you so much for coming out, man. I appreciate y'all. The Daily Show with Trevor Noah Ears Edition. The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and stream full episodes any time on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast. If you're listening to this ad, it's no accident, unless you forgot to hit Skip. But for marketers, finding the right audience matters, we worked hard for your attention. But you don't need to for your business. With Paramount Ads Manager, now you can reach huge audiences on the hottest shows on TV.

That's right, big shows aren't just for the big brands. You can get 30-second views on TV instead of three in their social feeds. Best of all, it's easy. Sign up today, be on TV tomorrow with Paramount Ad's Manager.paramount.com. to learn more. Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last. I'm Tim Harford, host of the Cautionary Tales podcast, and I'm exploring that very question. Join me for my new miniseries on the Art of Fairness. From New York to Tahiti, we'll examine villains undone by their villainy. Monstrous, self-devaring egos and accounts of the extraordinary power of decency.

Listen on the I-Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.