The Daily Show: Ears Edition - So Much News, So Little Time - Trump Aims Tweets at Syria & Paul Ryan Is Retiring | Martellus Bennett

Episode Date: April 12, 2018

Trevor covers the latest onslaught of big stories, and Martellus Bennett chats about post-NFL life and his children's book "Hey A.J., It's Bedtime!" Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast. The Weekly Show is going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday we're going to be talking about. All the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about

ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart wherever you get your podcast. April 11, 2018. From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York, this is the Daily Show. Thank you so much for tuning in October 9th. Take a seat, everybody.

Take a seat. Our guest tonight, retired NFL star Martellus Bennet is joining us, everybody. Take a seat. Our guest tonight, Martellus Bennett is joining us everybody. But first, let's get straight into it. Ever since Parkland. People have been asking. NFL star Martellus Bennett is joining us everybody. But first, let's get straight into it.

Ever since Parkland, people have been asking, how do we protect our kids from school shooters? Right? A few weeks ago, we told you about a Pennsylvania school that was arsoning every classroom with a bucket of rocks. Because I mean, hey, if it worked against Saber 2 Tigers, then why not air-15s, right? And now, another Pennsylvania school district has an idea. One school district's response to recent school shootings is this. They're arming teachers with mini-baseball bats.

The bats are primarily symbolic, but they are an option for teachers to use if they need to fight off an attacker. This is a tool to have in the event that we have nothing else. Okay, you know I just give the teacher's guns. Give them guns. Give them guns. Because this is just embarrassing now. I mean, this is nuts, really? What? The principal was like, we want to protect the kids from school shootings, but all we have is chucky cheese tickets. What are we going to get. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they th. they the. they the. they the. they to. they the. they the. to. tee. they's. te. te. they's. they's just just just just. they the. the. the. tickets, what are we going to get? What do we get? Mini bats are worse than using your hands because not only are they too small, but once you start swinging it, everyone's

going to start giving you tips, the coach is going to be like, you've got to choke up a little, come on, that's it, you've got to, right? Yeah, they should have paint cans over the stairs. Every classroom should have a loose tarantula around. Should be an old man next door to every school, hits shooters in the head with a shovel. It's only where we're gonna stop it. But let's move on. to today was so much of it.

Thankfully, though, too much news is just the right amount of news for a segment we call, Ain't nobody got time for that. First up, after Syrian president Bashar al-Assad attacked his own people with chemical weapons last week, the world has been waiting to see if President Trump would respond with military action. And because this is a decision that could lead to an all-out war, the President announced his decision, with all the gravitas it demanded. President Trump is up and firing off tweets about the situation in Syria.

Russia vows to shoot down any and all missiles fired at Syria. Get ready, Russia, because they will be coming. Nice and, and th. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, to. to. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. And, thi. thi. thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. the. to. thei. t. t. t. t. t. t.s.s.s. t. t.s.s. thei.s. thei. thei. thei. the Syria. Get ready, Russia, because they will be coming. Nice and new and smart. It's hard to see how this is anything, but the President of the United States declaring war on Twitter. I feel like we joked about this, and now it's become real. Because when Trump got elected, we were like, he's going to start a war on Twitter. Ha ha ha ha. And then before he got elected, we were like, he's gonna become president. Ha ha ha. Yeah, it turns out every joke about Trump

is just a headline that hasn't happened yet. And also, why does Trump tweet so weird? These missiles are nice and new and smart? It sounds like he's trying to fix them up with the missiles. It's like he's saying to the Russians, look, I know you don't like blind dates, but these missiles, they're really nice, really smart. Just come, no pressure, it's just a launch. Come on. And now a lot of people have pointed out

that Trump used to mock President Obama for telegraphing his military decisions in advance. And now he's he now he now he now he now he now he he he th now th now th now th now th now th now th now th th th th th th th th thoom thoom thoom the exact same thing but I mean let's be honest at this point Trump's hypocrisy is so unsurprising it's not even fun anymore like you see it coming it happens and you go yep you know it's like someone handed you one of those novelty cans of nuts with the snake inside but it was actually labeled novelty can of nuts with snake inside it's like surprise, it's like surprise now look we could talk about how Trump isn't even seeking approval from Congress to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the to the to the the the to the to the the to the the to the the the to the the to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the to to try. try. tryme? try. try. true. true. true. true. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. I I I I I the. I the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm true. I'm true. I'm. I'm. I'm. true. I'm. I'm. true. true. I'm. true. I'm true. I'm the. I isn't even seeking approval from Congress to go to war against Assad, and how Congress also doesn't seem to care anymore, but we don't have

time to get into that, because Trump is also thinking about launching another attack right here on American soil. CNN also learning President Trump and his team have been talking about how to get rid of Mueller for months. Monday night, President Trump suggested he may fire special counselor Mueller, and on Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders said Mr. Trump believes he has that authority. We've been advised that the President certainly has the power to make that decision. Okay, hold up. The White House always says that Trump doesn't plan to fire Robert Mueller.

So why are you checking on something that you don't want to do? It's like seeing your co-worker googling how to dissolve my officemate's dead body. Like, he can tell you he's not planning something, but you probably want to move. Because look, we all know, we all know that Trump has been slowly working up to firing Mullah for a long, long time. You know, it's like he's been tentric firing him. You know, he's letting it all build up and build up.

And then one day he's gonna be like, you're fired! Ah! Oh, my God, finally. Here's $130,000. Don't tell anyone about this. And now, now, because of Trump's comments and Sarah Sanders, we have to ask ourselves if Trump is also thinking about firing Rod Rosenstein or Jeff Sessions or Gary Busey just for old time's sake.

But we don't really have the time for that. Because in the middle of all this news, this crazy story pop duck. Former House Speaker John Boehner is joining the board of advisors for a marijuana company called Ackridge Holdings. It is one of the largest multi-state marijuana corporations in the country. Bainer, a Republican, went on the record nine years ago saying he was opposed to legalizing pot, but now he says his attitude towards it has change like that of many Americans out there. It's funny how going from Congress though to selling drugs is somehow more respectable, you know? Like now people are going to be like, what's Bainer

during since he left Congress? I heard he sells weed now. Oh, that's wonderful. It's nice he's finally helping people. Now normally John Boehner, push and cush, would be the day's biggest news about a house speaker's career plans. But again, today we don't have time for that, because there's also big news from the current speaker. Also breaking this morning, House Speaker Paul Ryan will not run for re-election in November. He is the 23rd Republican to announce their retirement. This year will be my last one as a member of the House.

It's been a wild ride, but it's been a journey well worth taking to be able to do my part to strengthen the American idea. Oh, he sounds like it's his last day at camp. It's been a wild ride. So many fun memories with my friends. Like the time I tried to take away poor children's health care. And swimming by the lake, best summer ever. Ah! Yes, Paul Ryan, top-ranking congressman and guy at the gym who eye bangs himself in the mirror is stepping down, and then stepping back up and then stepping down. I guess it's legs day. And this, this is a big deal. It really is a big deal.

Even though Paul Ryan looks young enough to play Spider-Man, you've got to remember that he's actually been in Congress since 1999. Yeah, that was so long ago, Britney Spears hadn't even done it again yet. Yeah, she'd only done it one time. And remember, we all thought that would be the only time. We were so naive back then. Now, other than presenting that he was upset about stuff President Trump said, the thing that Paul Ryan was most famous for was his deep, sincere concern about America's national debt. We are fiscal conservatives. What that means is we believe government should not live beyond its means. The debt is projected to grow to truly catastrophic levels in the near future, leading to an economic collapse in a diminished future.

Bringing our deficit up to a trillion dollars will only serve to actually weaken the dollar. I don't know what it would take for a person to completely sell out the will of the American people, sell out the federal budget, sell it our children and grandchildren. What on earth could you be given in legislation to make you vote for that? Uh, tax cuts? Oh, I got it right! I got it right! Thank you! Thank you. Yeah, because, you

see, after eight years of blaming President Obama for the ballooning national debt, last year when the Republicans took over the entire government under the leadership of Paul Ryan, here's what they did. The two biggest achievements for me, our first, the major reform of our tax code for the first time in 36 years, which has already been a huge success for this country. And that's something I've been working on in my entire adult life. New forecasts say the U.S. budget deficit will balloon in the next few years, largely thanks to the Republican tax cuts. The CBO says it'll hit a trillian trillion trillion trillion trillion, it turns out after two decades of claiming to be all about fiscal discipline, Paul Ryan exploded the deficit with his tax cuts and then just walks away.

You know what this feels like? It's like, it's like you're walking in the desert with someone. And every time you take a sip of the water, he's like, hey, hey, hey, don't waste the water water, tap wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa.... th. t. t. th. t. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. too, too, th. th. too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to, to, to, to, to, to, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the too. too. the too. t t ttttttttthe. too. the. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. Dude, dude, not so much. Slow down, slow down. And you're like, OK, fine. Why don't you hold the canister? And he takes it, and then he's like, wet t-shirt contest. I was like, all right, woo, woo, woo, ooh, woo, ooh, ooh, ah, ooh, oh, oh, oh, ohthat the water is done, I'm retiring from the desert. Goodbye, goodbye everybody. Yeah, but I mean, look, come on, let's not be haters.

What's a few trillion dollars between friends, right? Just because Paul Ryan turned out to be a complete fraud doesn't mean we can't give him the sand off that he deserves. Paul Ryan is leaving us, folks. So let's pour out a 40. 40 grams of protein, of course. Yeah. Just for him, the way he would like it. Just for you, Paul.

Oh, and don't worry. Just like Paul Ryan's deficit, someone else is going to have to clean this up. We'll be right back. Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, it's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting, you'll be saying to yourself, TGID, thank God it's Thursday we're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second.

I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. Welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is a Super Bowl champion and founder of the Imagination Agency and an author of the new children's book, Hey, AJ, it's bedtime. Please welcome Martellus Bennett. Welcome to the show. Man, I'm excited to be here. Yeah, man. This is great having you here. You are a legend for many people. You know, we have many, we do. We have many Patriots fans in the building. We also have many people who hate patriots.

Yeah, man, this is great having you here. You are a legend for many people. We have many patriots with all their hearts. But you know, it's one of those funny things where, and I feel like you get this, like people were telling me, they're like, you got a Patriot coming, oh man, I hate them so much. And I was like, he's here, do you want to tell him to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. the that, that, theatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheat, you their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their their th. th. winners. Oh. Oh. But do you get that a lot of like people in the streets like think they're going to say things to you? Because I'm sure people like tweet at you they still and then when they meet you in public they just they don't have words.

There's so many Twitter thugs. I just like I just wish I had my chance at you. I was like you have just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just. I just. I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just. I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just. I just. I just. I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just I just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just I just just I just just I just I just I just I just I just wish I just wish I just wish I just wish I just wish I just wish I just wish I just wish I just wish I just wish I just wish I just wish I just wish I just wish I just wish I just wish I just wish I just wish I just. I just. I just. I just. I just. I just wish I had my chance at you. I was like, you have your chance. Meet me outside right now. Oh, it's not like that. I didn't mean that. It's not what it means. Like, there's one day these guys, this old guy, like, we got these guys who always show up to get autographs. And you know who they are.

Right, right. the day they're. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. I. It's. the. It's. the. I. the. It's. So there's one day this guy was just like, just yelling at me, it's raining outside. He's like, yeah, I get your autograph. Can't get your autograph? And I was like, nah, I was like, now I'm busy. I got my daughter in the car seat, which is a pain in the car, I'm like, man, when my family is raining, my wife is getting in the car, put her in her car seat, you know, so. And getting in the car, I'm like, man, I just got to go. So as I get in the car, I saw it hardgrap many times, I know his face, you know, I'll forget

faces. I forget names, but not faces. And he's like, F you, F-f, F, F, F, F, F, F, I, F, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I, I, I, I, I, I. I. I. I. I. I. I, I. I. I, I, I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm th. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm, your whole family sucks, and I'm like, do I just drive this car through this gate right now and grant theft auto you in just a second. Yeah, it's like, it's funny how like there's a lot of haters, especially when you play for the Patriots, but I mean, you had an amazing career, 10 years in the game, Super Bowl champion, and you retired at the age of 31, which is not super young for a football player, surprisingly, but then you go from retiring in football, and many people would go to sports commentary or they'd try and get into sports in some other way, shape or form, but you went, no, I'm going to write children's books.

Yeah, you can clap. You can clap. I make a chute clap. No, they should clap. How do you even begin that that that that that that that that journey that journey that journey that journey that journey that journey that journey that journey that journey that journey that journey that do you even begin that journey? Well, like I always tell people I was never, I was born a creative and I learned to be an athlete. So I've always been creating, I know how to teach me how to create, I always made things.

I had to learn how to run and catch a ball, a lot of people can't catch a ball to this day. And some people probably think I can't catch a ball to this day still. But overall I was just like I always wanted to make things. Like I grew up in band playing instruments. I was in the plays, I was a math lead before and all these different things. So, yeah, so I always want to tell stories. So my first, my daughter was born, so I'm gonna make the long story short. So my daughter was born about four years ago, you know, you start buying all these children's books, you're excited because I'm like,

I'm gonna share all these stories that I read with her. We'll get Dr. Sue's for old doll. You know, Michelle Silverstein, of books. And then I started like, there's not a lot of characters that look like her. Right. You know, so that representation really wasn't there. And I felt like Disney had his chance.

And DreamWorks had their chance, Sony had their chance. And they didn't do it. So I was like, all right, I could make things. Let me do it. So I wrote, first I made animated, animated, I, and animated, and, and, and, the, the, and, I, the, and, and, and, the, the, the, the, the, and, the, the, and, the, the, and, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, and, and, and, and, the, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the.e.e.r.e.e.r.e.e.r.e.e.e.e.s, the, the, the, the, the, to do it. That is amazing. And then I start do interactive children book apps as well. And other movies, and then this book right here, so I love it because it's just a little black girl and it's not focused on her color, it's just focus on her awesomeness.

It's amazing to get this from you. It's amazing to get this from you. Because now, now I have a whole different image of NFL players, because I'm not gonna lie, I buy into the stereotype, I go, you guys are all giants, and all you do is smash, Hulk smash, right? And then now I'm going, maybe like Grunkowski's in the changing room, and then like after the game he goes in the changing room, and he's like, to be or not to be? Some stereotypes are true. I love fried chicken. Right, right, right.

Right. Like, you like fried chicken? I'm like, yeah, like, yeah, black people can't swim. And I go down to family tree and I'm just like, yeah, lava can't swim. So you're not afraid of this, but you're also bucking the trend. It's a really beautiful story. It's about a little girl who is struggling to go to bed. And I love that it's based on your daughter,

and it's based on the family. Where do you want to go from here? I mean, it's clearly not just about one book. What is your tea? What is your thee. Yeah, because that can go one of two ways. It's Disney or Michael Jackson. Like I mean. Yeah, and I don't want Neverland. No, not that one. Right, right, right. The happiest place on the earth. I would say that Disney's going to be the second happiest place on the earth by the time I'm done. It's inspiring. So that's the ultimate goal. It's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah............................................................... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. for being on the show. The book is fun. You're amazing. Hey AJ, it's bedtime is available now. Montenes Bennett everybody.

You know. The Daily Show with Trevor No. Ears edition. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show.com and follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. John Stewart here. Unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, The Weekly Show. We're going to be talking about the election, economics, ingredient to be talking about the election, economics,

ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to the Weekly Show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast.