The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Summertime Woes - Shark Attacks, Summer Camps, and Lifeguard Shortages

Episode Date: June 21, 2023

The first day of summer marks the beginning of beach trips, summer camps, and summer jobs. But The Daily Show news team unpacks whether summer is actually the worst, the perils of going to the beach, if adults should be allowed to go to summer camp, and why there is a lifeguard shortage.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Well, it's summer, which always reminds me of my childhood at camp. Canoeing, roasting marshmallows, learning how to masturbate. Or as we called it at camp, beating the tom-tom. It's all about the beat. Nearly every adult who went to camp remembers it fondly, but like jerking off, some people just can't let go. Summer Camp, it is not just for kids anymore, because more and more places,

they're offering camps for adults. All the fun things that you would do as a kid, like swimming, archery, zip lining, a ropes, even a talent show. We have the arts the arts the arts th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, to too, and, and tome, and tome, and tome, and tome, and tome, and, and, and, and tome, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and tome, and tome, and tome, and tome, tome, tome, tome, tome, tome, tome, tome, tome, tome, tom. tom. tom. tom. tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, totalent show. We have arts and crafts. There are also other camps there, too, like space camp. You get to go on an interactive space mission, build rockets and train like astronauts. What the hell is wrong with these people? In my day, when you had a midlife crisis,

you bought a Red Corvette and cheated on your wife. Now it's sharing bunk beds and making lanyards, huh? Stop reinventing the wheel. And don't get me started on space camp. Kids go to space camp, because there's still hope, they'll go to actual space. When you're a grown-up, that spaceship has sailed. It would be like trying to seduce Roy Moore when you're 47.

You're 40 years too late! Oh, what did you vote for it? But there's another reason adults are going back to camp and it ain't archery. Play like a kid and party like a grown-up is the motto at Camp No Counselors and all-inclusive weekend-long sleepaway camp for grown-ups. The all-inclusive package includes lodging, food, and open bar, nightly parties, and tons of old-school camp activities like wheelbarrow races and human-hungry, hippy.

Oh yeah, who doesn't love getting wasted and then getting tossed like a salad? Seriously, if I want to puke in a ball pit, I'll go to McDonald's, like a normal person. Look, it's one thing for these 40-year-old toddlers to ruin camp, but I refuse to stand by and watch them ruin booze. In these terrible times, it's all we have left. And besides, if all the adults are at camp pretending to be kids, who's going to do all the adult stuff? Kids summer camps are putting away the canoes and the kayaks

and instead, in some cases, teaching kids how to manage money. Attractive options for families who want their children to learn about budgets and business. Here, kids from 7 to 16 learn to crunch numbers for a product that will later design, manufacture, and market. Oh, great. Just what this country needs, even younger Wall Street douchebads. I can't wait to get my house repossessed by a banker who still wears a onesy. Though, I get why these kids are being sent to learntouch to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to crunch to crunch to crunch to to crunch to crunch to crunch to to crunch to to crunch money money money money money money money money money money money. to to to to wait to get my house repossessed by a banker who still wears a onesy. Though, I get why these kids are being sent to learn about money.

Someone's got to pay for their parents to play drunken cornhole. Look, it's clear what's happening here. These camps trick kids into doing work while the old folks have fun in the sun. It's wrong. It's despicable. And I want in. Hey kids, why waste your summer groping each other in the woods when you can learn a trade? Here at Camp Workerby, you'll learn all sorts of skills like mowing my lawn,

doing my taxes, getting things that I point at, and as an elderly person, my clothes are old and frayed. So you'll also be doing some light sewing, about 200 shirts an hour. Jay Crew needs these tomorrow. Don't spend the summer just sitting on your ass. Spend it, Wipe it my ass. It's summertime. That wonderful time of the year when the sun is out. Kids are playing and I sweat so much. My shirt turns into a map of the Middle East. My nipple is the Gaza Strip. You don't want to go anywhere near it.

And on the hottest days, you have a few options. You can hydrate, you can stay indoors, or you could always go to the beach, but only if you want to die. Sharks, summertime, close encounters, just feet from shore. I'm the water! In South Carolina, a shark in knee-deep water just feet away from swimmers.

And in New Jersey, a 16-foot Great White feasting on a bag of bait before swimming away. This year, Hawaii has already seen twice as many attacks as they did all of last year. And just last week, this great white white was tracked near New York's Long Island. When a white shark bites a person, it is a mistake, because it thinks that that person is a seal. Wait a minute. So if a white shark's biting you, it's a mistake. But if a black shark gets caught with just a little bit of weed, it goes to jail for life?

That doesn't seem fair! And also, what do you mean if I get bitten, it's because I look like a seal. So now I'm getting eaten and body shamed. Talk about adding insult to injury. And if you're thinking, no problem, I'll just stay in the shallow water where it's safe. Well, good luck, sucker. There are new concerns about rare but potentially deadly flesh-eating bacteria found in warm waters. Potentially deadly bacteria can enter the body through a cut or a scrape.

According to the CDC, the bacteria causes 80,000 illnesses and 100 deaths in the U.S. every year. Just pay attention. Don't be afraid of the ocean, but be aware of what's going on. Be aware! It's bacteria! What am I supposed to do? Snorkel with a microscope? At least with a shark. I can hear the fin and the jaws music. I can see the fin. But flesh-eating bacteria is a silent killer, like Jason. It's what I've always respected about him. He's in it for the stabbing, not the chit-chat.

Also, what's with these bacteria? They never eat the flesh that I don't want. How about the set of my leg, why don't you guys take a nibble on my love handles? That way you still get to eat and I don't look like a seal. So, so it's dangerous in the water. It's dangerous close to the water. And you think you're safe way up on the beach? You better duck. A warning about a surprising summer danger, beach umbrellas flying through the air, seriously injuring beach goers.

In Ocean City, Maryland in 2015, a bystander filming as the wind picks up these umbrellas and turns them into projectiles. The videos, wild, and the situations, incredibly dangerous. Over the last 10 years, there have been reports of over 32,000 injuries related to umbrellas across the country. Did you see that? It's an umbrella uprising. We always thought it was going to be the the the the the the to be to be the to be the to be to be the to be to be to be to be the to be to be to be the to be the to be the the the the the the the the the the the the. Did you see that? It's an umbrella uprising. We always thought it was going to be the robots. We never suspected the umbrellas and who can

blame them for organizing. We treat them like shit. They only get pulled out in the extreme heat of the rain. We're never like, oh it's a beautiful day, my umbrella deserves a walk. But on the puss side, if you survive an umbrella impaling, at least you'll never need to buy sunscreen again. So whether it's sharks or bacteria or umbrellas, everything on the beach wants you dead. But don't worry, kids, you can just simulate the beach once you're dead. But don't worry, kids. You can just simulate the experience at home.

Just turn off your air conditioning. Stand in the tub with a pinnacleata and shove a fist full of sand up your ass. Happy summer, everybody! Lewis Black, everyone. We'll th'll be right back. This whole week, much of the United States has been suffering through a heat wave. And if you've been stuck in it, please, don't forget to drink water, stay inside, and check in on your elderly neighbors. Because they might have air conditioners you can steal. But if you've been hoping to cool down at the beach or at the pool, you might

be out of luck. As summer heats up, some families are cleaning down in the water at their own risk. A major lifeguard shortage is leaving many beaches unguarded and pools under staff forcing some to close. The American Lifeguard Association, estimating one-third of the nation's public pools are impacted. The shortage is caused by a wave of factors. Young people have plenty of other job options to choose from, and training courses were canceled during the pandemic. Some pools looking to pull in new lifeguards by upping salaries. Six-flag St. Louis is offering $18 an hour to lifeguards,

plus a $500 bonus. Oh, pools are closed for the summer? I want to have no way to pee. But yeah, pools and beaches are in big trouble because nobody wants to be a lifeguard right now, which is surprising to me. I mean, you think every teenager would want this job. I mean, you get to work on your tan, it's a relaxed dress code, and you get to make out with all those drowning people, you know? You know if you ask me, Americans are too soft.

Yeah, I saw the story and I was like, Americans are too soft. You won't swim without a lifeguard? Man, if you told an African parent that you won't swim without a lifeguard, they'd be like, eh, do you know who is your lifeguard? Jesus. Don't forget that. Don't ever forget that. But this is a major problem, especially for pools that have to shut down because they can't find lifeguards. Luckily luckily, Leo Deblen has a solution for you. Are your beaches and pools closed for the summer because of a lifeguard shortage? You just want to swim.

But ain't nobody want to save your ass from a shark. Or break out that swim suit thorn. The summer is back on. Introducing Leo Deblin's substitute lifeguard. It's a cardboard cut out of knees that you can put up on the lifeguard chair, guaranteed to look real enough for the safety inspector as he's driving by. So now you can get back to doing what you love, seeing in the pool. Choose your lifeguard type from multiple Leo Devlin models. We have Mr. Nice guy, the whistleblower.

And of course, I don't told your ass. And if we start to drown, don't worry. All our lifeguards come with a built-in speaker that's got you covered. Someone else saved that dude. I just ate. So save your summer with the Leo Devlin substitute lifeguard. It ain't an $85. You can get that from your mama. Oh.

Oh. the devil's substitute like a institute of barber pay. It's a $1.20 by a fairbrikes. It's a foot like it. Public swimming pools. They're how we drink pee from strangers. But chances are you've never been to a public swimming pool, which is too bad, because America used to be full of them.

But guess what came along and took them all away? That's right. Racism. See, after World War I, public swimming pools became very popular. Cities across the country started building them, and these weren't just any pools. They had sand, grassy lawns, some were even bigger than football fields and could hold 10,000 people, which I guess was supposed to be like a giant pool party, but that many people sharing the water just sound nasty. What's up y'all?

This is DJE Cola! And Bip-B-Bah-Ban. But back in the 1930s, people loved it. Going to the pool was as popular as going to the movies, which isn't saying much, because movies back then sucked. Every movie was about a man's struggle to grow a full-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho-s, thi-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th's struggle to grow a full mustache. So America hung out at the public pool instead. Unfortunately, black people weren't allowed into this national pool party. Cities didn't build pools in black neighborhoods and white people didn't want us in their neighborhood pools. Partially they were concerned about black men intermingling with white women in such a sexual atmosphere.

I mean, I know. It might sound ridiculous to think of a public pool as a sexual atmosphere. I mean I know it might sound ridiculous to think of a public pool as a sexual atmosphere but this was the 1920. They were seeing knees for the first time. I'm talking the top, the bottom, that little knuckle part in the middle, the whole circle. Have you seen these? Ah! Hot! So lots of communities banned black people from swimming in white pools. And in some cities, like Pittsburgh, the police just let white swimmers literally beat black swimmers out of the water. At one pool in St. Louis, white people got so violent beating black people

that they eventually closed the whole pool for good. Imagine being so racist that you get your own pool shut down. Just sweating your balls off like, well, at least that black kid can't swim either. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, someone called a hospital. I think I got the heat stroke. But all that changed with the civil rights movement.

You know how activists desegregated diners with sit-ins? Well, they also desegregated public pools with wade-ins and dive-ins. Although, if you had just eaten, it was a, wait 20 menacing. And all this activism really pissed off the racers. Protesters got arrested, beaten, and one hotel owner even dumped acid into his pool to get protesters out. Look at this piece of thine, thine, thine, thine, their their their thine, their their thiiiiii, their, their, their, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thiolk, thioliole, thoicicet, thoes, thoicet, thoicet, thoicet, thoes, thoes, thoes, thoes, thoes, thoes, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. So, th. So, th. And, th. I, th. I, th. And, th. And, tho, the tho, tho, the thi, thi, the thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, theea. And, theaaaaaaugh, thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooes, thoes,. Mmm. Look at this piece of shit in this ugly ass suit.

Although back then, waste had to be that high, his men kept all their racism in their gut. Unfortunately for the racist, the civil rights movement secured passage of the Civil Rights Act and public pools were ordered to be desegregate! But since racist white people were no longer allowed to fight, they chose flight. Into the Private Swim Club. Since the Civil Rights Act didn't apply to private membership clubs, white people could

make their pools members only and make sure their members were as white as a bar of soap at a kid rock concert. I'm just kidding. There's no soap of kid rock concerts. From the 1950s until today, cities shut down their public pools while., private private private private private private private private private private private private private private private private.. their their.. their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. their. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. tied. tied. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. It. It's. It's. It's, t tri.a. trie.a.a.a.a.a. trie.a.a. trie.a. triv. trie.a. tri concerts. From the 1950s until today, cities shut down their public pools while private swim clubs and backyard pools popped up all over the United States,

mostly in white suburbs. The legacy of this racism is the reason you can't walk through a suburb in the summertime without hearing 10 kids looking for some full names. Marco, it's been 700 years. Marco been dead. And it's this legacy that has shaped the disparities around race and swimming today. Because of a lack of places to swim,

black people don't swim as much, and that means that black children are at a higher risk of drowning. But losing all these public pools hurt everybody else too. We could all be spending a whole summer at the pool, but because of racism, the only public place we can go to cool off is the library. And nobody wants to see a speedo in the periodicals room, which is why I say, let's bring public pools back America.

Let's rebuild all those big-ass pools, but this time with equal access for all. Then we can all swim together in peace, in harmony, and rub sunscreen on each other's knees. I'm going to prove me wrong. I'm going to prove me wrong, summer edition. Ice cream, vacations, long walks on the beach. I hate all that shit. What can to prove me wrong? Summer edition. Summer is the worst season. Prove me wrong. Well, I would say summer is the season where everyone's the happiest. During the summer, everyone gets to come outside.

Everybody's shirt turns into a Roshak test. But during the summer, when everyone's sweaty and gross, everyone's sweaty and gross. We're all equal during the summer. So you're making a Marxist argument for B.O. during summer. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, sorry. This is the free world. The top 1% should not have B.O. How do you smell? Go ahead. Smell me. I dare you. Smell this shit right now. You smell like me. See, we're the same. That's not a compliment. Poles are better than oceans. Poe's are stinky. Thea. Te. Te. Te. Te. Te. Te. Te. Te. Thea. Te. the th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. thee. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th are better than oceans. Proof me wrong. Pools are stinky.

They have nasty people that go in there. They just get in with their funky bodies and they're sweaty cells and it's plop up in there. Yeah, you think people don't pee and poop in the ocean? It's not just people, by the way. Do you think whales are coming on land to. No, they're not. They're shading in the ocean. It's whales, it's jellyfish, it's seals. It's octopus, it's every fucking thing in there, just shitting into your mouth. Oceans are just pools that are trying to kill you. Do you have any shark?

Do you have the shark? There's five. Like, did you see the shark, so therefore the ocean is safe. For good luck out there. I've never seen a shark at the beach myself. So what, you're a shark denier? You can't get food from the pools either. There's no fish in pools, but in the ocean, I'd be sustaining myself. Fresh coconuts?

Fresh fish? You can't eat anything near the ocean. The sand gets in it. Protein. Put your money where your mouth is. This is food. This is your food on the beach. Do it. enough of you? Okay I got some bad news for you. There's no protein in sand. What's out of here? Thanks for the fries. Yeah, thanks, bro. Pigeons are better than seagulls. Pigeon's are literal like rats with wings. Genetically, they used to be white, but then out of like Darwinism and like after all these years they actually turn black to adapt to like certain environments and they're so gross. Why do you have to to to to to th to th th th th to th th th th th th to th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thiou- the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their the the the the the the the thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thi thin thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the the the the the the an theanan. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. thee an the an they actually turn black to adapt to like certain environments and they're so gross. Why do you have to make this racial?

It's not racial. We'll talk about pigeons versus seagulls, not why are pigeons black. How much info wars do you watch? No, but it's like just over time, like they start genetic. They used to be someone for late a dessert. Eating ice cream is gross enough, but at least you can't deep throw with it. I'm sorry, it prepares you for life.

That's a lot of work. And there's lots of instances where you have to do things similar to eating a pops. Do you work in show business? Good man, you got all different kinds of flavors. Like what? 50-50 bars, you got an original pops, look, you got bomb pops. None of those are flavors. Okay, so you tell me what flavor that is. This is grape, and I actually really love grape,

everybody hates on it, but it's so good. Grape's don't taste like that in real life. Okay, that's... You ate it like a pelican. You didn't even chew it. How did you do that? It's sticking to your beard now. Oh, that's so good.

Yeah, see, that's... No, man. Popsicles aren't gross. You are gross. What's what you got against popsic? They're messy. Why, what's it? What you? What you? What you? What you? What you? What you? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? thi? thi? tho? tho? tho? P? P? P? P? P? P? P? P? P? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? You? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? ti? t t t t t t t t t t t toda? t t t t toda? tha? thi? th enough? Yeah. Can't put it in your mouth fast enough? No, why don't you demonstrate right now. Ugh, yeah.

Okay, that's very experienced. Look, no mess. Look at. No mess. You ever still have my lip gloss on. Okay, you know what, that was actually, as much I want to hate on that, that was actually pretty. I feel like you actually did prove me wrong. So you know what? That's good? What's happening?

All right. Is that what I win? You get to wear the golden thong. You have now earned the right to take my place. No, I'm good. Behind the prove me wrong. You've clearly proven me wrong. That golden thong.

That's what happens when you prove me wrong. No, no, it's okay. No, you gotta take my place now. It's like Highlander. You're right, now take, take my spot. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcast. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.