The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | America 250

Episode Date: July 3, 2026

Happy Birthday, America! Ring in the Fourth of July with The Daily Show's coverage of the weirdest party the USA has ever thrown itself, as Donald Trump turns America’s upcoming 250th birthday into a self-glorifying spectacle. Nick Offerman jokes about Trump-branded currency, coins, park passes, and a proposed “Arc de Trump.” Jordan Klepper attends the UFC fight spectacle held on the White House lawn on Donald Trump's birthday. Jon Stewart catches up on the calamitous planning of the Great American State Fair, and the fallout as musicians cancel en mass. Troy Iwata asks Americans what to put in a mandated national time capsule. Ronny Chieng introduces a biography of the one thing all Americans can still get behind: the 1992 US Olympic men's basketball Dream Team. And Jon, still in the afterglow of the Knicks big win, contrasts Trump’s gaudy “arch” and UFC spectacle with Americans’ unmet desire for healthcare and genuine community. -- CarShield is offering our listeners 20% off with the code TDS at https://CarShield.com/TDS -- Head to https://Superpower.com and use code TDS at checkout for $20 off your membership. Unlock your new health intelligence. 100+ biomarkers. Every year. Detect early signs of 1,000+ conditions. #superpowerpod -- The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Stream full episodes on Paramount+ Follow TDS: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Comedy Central. Great opinions, but it turns out I'm not the only one. Studies show that other people also have opinions. So here with another installment of, in my opinion, is our good friend Nick Offerman. Hello, I'm Velvet-tongued Carpenter, Nick Offerman. Everyone knows it's important to remember the birthday of the one you love, and the one I love is America.

Don't worry, my wife, Megan, knows and she's not not into it and this year happens to be a particularly big birthday for America communities from sea to shining sea celebrating 250 years since the Declaration of Independence was signed proclaiming freedom from Great Britain and the birth of a new nation happy birthday America are you two are you three and so on America's quintennial is here and to throw it semi-kinzenegra I hope we have a great party planner in my campaign for president I pledged to give America the most

spectacular birthday party the world has ever seen for America's 250th anniversary okay sure Trump plan the party it's not like you have anything else going on gas prices are hovering just below fury road levels but have fun picking out the balloons. Hang on, perhaps I am rushing to judgment. We can only hope Trump puts as much love into America's birthday as he would for

Jeffrey Epstein's. I abhor the message, but I do appreciate a handwritten card. Any asshole can go to hallmark, but calligraphy shows you care. So how is the president going to

show us he cares about America? For the first time in America, American history, the signature of a sitting president will soon be featured on U.S. currency. The Treasury announcing the decision to celebrate the nation's 250th birthday this summer, saying President Trump's signature is not only appropriate, but also well-deserved. Signing the dollar bills? But Mr. President, how can you sign them all? For that, you would need an auto pen.

Fine. He can sign the money. At least it's just a signature and not his. his face. President Trump's face could soon be on U.S. money. A commission handpicked by Trump himself has approved the design for 24-carat gold coin to commemorate America's 250th birthday. Wow.

A coin with Donald Trump's face. Finally, a way to lose the respect of a gumball machine. I'm not sure about that coin, but I'm really not sure about that pose. It looks like he's trying to pinch one out at a standing toilet. But okay, okay, fine. I guess if it's just one coin... The U.S. Treasury is preparing to put President Trump on a $1 coin to commemorate America's 250th birthday. Another coin?

Mr. President, can you please stop putting your face on things I keep in my front pocket? Inches from my genitals. As well as my back pocket, inches from my... butthole. You know, I would have assumed that the party theme for America's birthday would have been, I don't know, America. But I'm sensing from the party decorations that a different theme is emerging. The commemorative National Park Passes for our country's 250th anniversary feature an image of Donald Trump alongside one of George Washington. Oh, come on. Your face on the park passes? I go to National parks to get away from your face.

And to see those idiot salmon swim in the wrong direction of the cat. They are so stupid. Okay. Commemorative coins and park passes will come and go. One day, they'll all be lost to time. At least nothing he's doing for America's birthday is permanent. The president is proposing a permanent arch in Washington. It's being called the Ark de Trump.

He wants it to be the biggest arch in the world, 250 feet tall to honor the country's 250th anniversary. Small, medium, and large. And whichever one they look good, I happen to think the large looks my father's best. Can he play with his model replicas in the basement like a normal demented grandpa? Can we stop with these self-aggrandizing celebrations like you're some Roman emperor? What's next? Gladiator fights? President Trump announced a UFC fight will take place at the White House on June 14th. This is what it will turn into for UFC with the octagon in the middle. What in the name of Caligula's c-k is happening?

Blood sports for the entertainment of a Caesar is not a show of strength. It's literally the first sign of a declining empire. Number two, of course, is starting a war in Persia. Oh shit. Look, it's pretty obvious that President Trump is making this 250th celebration about himself. But we can't let him. This is America's birthday. It's not about one man.

It's about our country and its ideals. So forget the empty jingoistic posturing and find your own ways to patriotically party down. Go to historical reenactments. Or better yet, do it. your own. If you've never thrown tea into a harbor, you have not lived. Or get into a fist fight with

an actual British person. Dibbs on Cumberbatch. Or hell. Forget that. Go into one of those national parks. Celebrate America's natural beauty. And while you're there, get in your birthday suit and partake of some tasteful love

making with someone you care about. Dibs on Cumberbatch. My point is, Technically, you will be having a loving patriotic three-way with America. And that is how you celebrate a birthday. But that's just my opinion. Picture this. It's the middle of summer.

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As America's counting down to the big 250, Trump has been hard at work renovating the place. And he's maybe cutting a few corners. But this past weekend was flag day, so Trump had to party. It was also his birthday, so he threw the classiest of celebrations. He had BMX jumps, birds of prey, fighter jets, and one big UFC fight on the White House law. And I traveled to our Capitol to tap in for the fun. Happy 250, baby. UFC 250? You want people knocked out.

You want people knocked out. 250, baby? 250. 250. You're here for the fight. Everybody's in a really positive attitude. They're happy to be here. Dude, even the homeless here, man.

They're cool, man. Yeah? Dude, the homeless here are, like, clean, man. They got like, f***ing outfits and shit. They're, like, riding on scooters and shit. Those aren't homeless people. Those are people who used to work for the federal government about a year ago.

Why are you here? Freedom and beer. My future ex-wife, hopefully. Thank you for your honesty. People just coming here because they want to see like the American dream and this is it. This is the American dream? This is the American dream.

Two sweaty guys fighting on the White House lawn? Yeah, why not? Well, it feels like the American fever dream to me. What a time to be alive, right? I'm here with my daughter, trying to embarrass her a lot. Yeah. She's trying to find a boyfriend. She's trying to find a boyfriend.

She brought her to a UFC fight. Exactly. God bless, Father of the Year over here. Fireers can always defend against anybody trying to get after my daughter. I'm pretty sure they can defend them. Yeah, that's what they're known for. Healthy masculinity.

Yes. So I was alive during the 1976 200th anniversary. You were there. 76 and I was there. Who fought then? Nobody fought then. What? Nobody fought that. Everybody loved each other.

Everybody was shaking hands. We need to just love each other. Yeah, we need to act of peace. We need to put that on a stage so people can try to aspire to to something. Absolutely. I agree 100. And we do that by finding some guys who'll just beat the shit out of each other. Well, maybe if that's what it takes, yeah. It's a wonderful gift for a man who's been a fan of fighting since before the 1970s energy crisis. What do you think about Trump throwing a fight on his lawn on his birthday? It's like, yeah, the most American birthday you can

have. Oh my God, there's guys jumping dirt bikes. Yeah. There's guys fighting in the front yard. Yeah, yeah. This is like the best birthday a 10 year old could have. We're all 10 year olds at heart, right? We're all 10 year olds at heart. How many fights do you think he'll stay awake for inside? Don't you hear he's up 20 hours a day? He doesn't ever sleep. But I do think he sleeps because we watch it on television. No, you watch them freeze frame the camera when he blinks his eyes. Okay. I mean, there's some of those are long camera freezes.

No. Rest in his eyes. He might rest his eyes. So for anyone not resting their eyes, what will this UFC 250 event actually look like? Who do you think is going to win the big fight tonight? My favorite is definitely Pereira v. Scott, and I got Pereira by knockout in three. No, the big fight. The, I assume the J-Sixers versus Capitol Police.

Oh, um. Is that not happening? My money's on Capitol Police, though. Always root for an underdog here. Of course, there is a very real historical precedent to spectacles like this. Kind of going back to gladiators. It does? It feels gladiatorial.

You know what? The Romans loved it. The Greeks loved it. Everybody loved it some kind of gladiator. Is it sort of like our Coliseum? Like, we all come together? But yeah. Yes. Yeah.

The Emperor has given us. bread and circus? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Or monster drinks and circus. Yeah. Yeah. So which emperor is Trump? Is he like Nero? Bro, he's like, he's like Anakin' Scott Walker, not like Darth Vader, no. Anakin, he had those authoritarian leanings, right? Yeah, yeah. You know, he had some power and you know, he knew how to use it, you know, with great power comes great responsibility. Hell yeah, that's exactly what Spider-Man said. He might be like Caligula. It's true. Solegula tried to get his horse voted into the Senate, I believe. I mean, Trump tried to get Mark Wayne Mullen in there.

So maybe that's not a fair comparison. Because I mean, I have seen horses count, so that's not a fair comparison, yeah. But ancient rules don't matter because this crowd is still giving their champion a big thumbs up. How do you think Donald Trump would do in the octagon? Who is he fighting?

Barack Obama. Thank you, when that. You think Donald Trump would beat up Barack Obama? How tall Barack Obama? Wingspan. I mean, is that really, we're gonna get that nitty-gritty? You think it's gonna be that close?

It comes down to that, man. Donald Trump is pooling blood at his ankles and falls asleep at MSG. Donald Trump versus Barack Obama. Who wins? I don't know, Trump's a 80. What about... I don't know that White House medical people say he's in great shape, so... So you trust that. Are you trusting them or you're trusting your eyes on this?

I don't know. J.D. Vance pre-Ozempic thinking Donald Trump is Hitler versus J.D. Vance as Donald Trump's Vice President. Who wins? I'm still working on J.D. Vance. You're not sure? Nope. Would you watch a J.D. Vance fight, fighting himself? Yeah. Somebody tells me this fight is happy in his head all the time.

It could be. Mm-hmm. As the combat sports event sponsored by American institutions like Crypto.com and Polymarket played out on our actual White House lawn, viewers everywhere saw some of the uglier side of the culture. Michelle Obama is a man! I wondered what does this say about America to the rest of the world. I could understand the criticism. Like I get what people are saying. Yeah. You know, it looks bad on the country. You've got a lot of countries that are jealous because...

Well, some people see America as sort of like a land of borish folks, trashy, no class? I don't think we're any more trashy than any other country. You know, like I read something today, oh, it's a big redneck yard sale. You see that as spin. People spins it. There's people having a fight on a front yard

in front of an open construction project with a guy who's bragging about an above ground pool and somehow that feels trashy. Yeah. Do you have any fear that there's criticism that this is a little trashy? No! Hey, are any of us trashy?

Yeah. Oh, you are? Okay. Self-identifying. Thank you for your honesty. Happy birthday, Emperor Trump. And then, man, I need good news. I need some good news. I need some relief.

And I'll tell you why, because as many of you know, that big Freedom 250 concert that I'd so been looking forward to, and someone in the audience just died. The concert I've so been looking forward to has run into some problems. Six musical artists originally announced as performers now dropping out, many citing political concerns. The Commodores, Martina McBride, Morris Day and the Time, rapper Young MC, and Poisoned frontman Brett Michaels. Tough break! Although at this point, wouldn't he just be MC? Or, brother, I feel you. I feel you. Or just like, you're as young as you feel MC.

60 is the new 40 MC. All right. Damn! They didn't want to be a part of Donald Trump's personal political concert. Is anyone still performing? America is turning two-fitting. I'm super honored to do this concert with everybody.

We're going to bring back the 90s. There you go. Vanilla Ice didn't drop out. He saw a problem. And yo, he solved it. He should really check out his hook. Love his DJ. All right.

Again, say what you want. Very likable fellow. And by the way, the other artist who said that they are not bailing is C&C Music Factory, who, as you know, were devastated by globalization and the offshoring of most of America's music factories. Their front man, Freedom Williams,

had an interesting, I would say somewhat philosophical take on the issue of the intersection of performance and politics. Y'all gonna make this pretty 60-year-old n'-a-leash on you, motherfuckers. I'm sitting on the toilet taking the shit. Sir, this is not a good time. We can certainly come back and discuss this later, but let's not focus on where he's making the video or his Katniss and PETA fan-fix shirt

or the cottage core wallpaper. Let's focus on the message. The day I let you, motherfucker, tell me what to do is the day I I die. Pretty straightforward. You love this country. Critics be damned. I don't give a fuck about 250 years of motherfuckettlement capitalism in death. Love was too strong a word.

Why, freedom, would you do the show celebrating 250 years of mother fucking capitalism and death? Shit, you keep pushing me. I'll do the mother fucking show in North Korea, pissing on a fucking American flag, smoking a Cuban cigar, drinking Venezuela wine, playing golf with motherfucking Kim L. June with an Iranian bitch on my lap, while Trump's standing there with his b-in-his hand. Is that like the Mexican Kim Jong-moon?

He might be my favorite person in the world. But by the way, if you thought Freedom Williams ranting about our murderous nation and our president with his d-in-his hand, is the weirdest thing about how this concert is coming together guess again. According to CNN, quote, the concert lineup was heavily tilted toward legacy acts, and many of them shared the same booking agent in Jeff Epstein of Universal Attractions.

Of universal attractions? Is in charge of, forgive me, recruiting talent for a Donald Trump party? In planning our country's 250th birthday, somebody had to go into Donald Trump's office and say, I know just the guy. How bad do you feel for that guy? After years of being, not that Epstein, he finally gets all of his acts booked. It's all coming up, Epstein.

And then the axe collapsed. He finally thought he was going to get his happy... His... But nope, nope. Once again, they leave him hanging. They had so many Epstein sympathizers. A Jeffrey Epstein joke, how could you? Standard annual medical visits often leave individuals with vague reactive feedback like everything looks fine

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It's a great way to remember the past, but do Americans today want to be remembered? Troy Iwada hit the streets to find out. It's America's 250th birthday, and our government is preserving this moment in a very special way. As part of a celebration, Congress has mandated the creation of a time capsule. The commission's chairwoman Rosie Rios says, quote, we want future generations to have a clear, authentic window into who we were at 250. So in 250 years, when future Americans open this time capsule, will they be jealous of the golden age we're currently living in? I'm asking present-day Patriots what they think. Now, why is 2026 the best year in American history

to preserve for future generations? Because it's not. Not really. Oh. Well, I don't think it's the best year to preserve for future generations. I would say it's not the best, I'd say, yes. Did you see how 2026 started?

Yes, Sendaya released like nine movies. What do you think we can put into this time capsule that's representing America in 2026, the height of America? I was thinking like a pile of shit maybe. I think if somebody went and took a shit right outside the White House, pick it up, put in a time capsule. Oh, that's gross. Surely people have more positive ideas and less feces-based ones.

What do you think we should put in this time capsule? Lena Dunham's new memoir. Lena Dunham's new memoir, famed sick. That's a really good idea. The people of the future definitely need Lena Dunham's memoir, famed sick. There was a picture of a burning cyber truck in front of Trump Tower. of Trump Tower. I figured that quite encapsulates a few things. What do you think is more important to put in the time capsule?

This map that shows Canada, Greenland, and Cuba still as independent countries? Or this Labou? This map right is. Yeah, because we don't know in 250 years they're still going to be independent. Well, we don't know if they're still going to be independent in 250 minutes. That's true. The Bibu's are forever. All the pessimism on the streets were starting to get to me, and soon I found myself drinking

to hitery. Is there an item that you think represents America? America that you would put in the time capsule? I'm a teacher, elementary, so the children's book. It's funny that you think children might know how to read in 250 years. I've already lost cursive. What are some other items, maybe even from the Trump era, that could go in there? Do you think RFK Jr.'s brainworm would survive in there?

I do. I want a voice memo of him speaking just in general to be in there. Do you think people in the future would know that that's a human speaking? No. Yeah. put in the time capsule. I would put this, but I would also put this. Love you love it. To show that I have range.

Looks like RFK's ringworm is like in your brain. Thank you. Oh my God. But in 250 years, who will even be around to pull these head shots from the time capsule? I don't know if there's going to be like a civilization to access it. They'll probably wear hazmat suits and you know. I mean, let's be honest, they'll probably bust this thing open in 65 years in desperate search for food. What do you think America's going to look like in 250 years?

Oh my god. They should split America in too. We should segregate again. I mean, let's face it, in 250 years, America might be a desolate wasteland. So maybe we should put some like survival gear in this time capsule. Maybe fresh water,

Renaola bars, a gun with a single bullet. Just off the top of my head. I'm an optimist. And I used to be. Clearly the best thing to put in this time capsule is an apology letter for the state we left the country in. Maybe we can all write it together. Dear future Americans slash potential Chinese

slash potential Russian citizens. We're sorry that we made mistakes. Yes, and I'm sorry that I have only attended two No King's rallies so far. We used to have trees. Hopefully you still have them, but if you don't, we're sorry. That was on us.

We're sorry for not understanding each other well. I'm sorry that my Zoloft prevents me from making active change. Honestly? Honestly? I just want to say good luck, Because y'all are gonna need it. Things can get better.

Things can get better. We're not responsible for any of those things. We may have made things worse, but... All right, so how should we sign this? Regretfully, Americans of 2026. Are bad. Because 250th year birthday is right around the corner, and President Trump is celebrating it

with a ballroom, a reflecting pool, and an arch. All stuff that was not on our Amazon wish list. America asked for health care. God damn it. We send you a link and everything. Now, technically, Trump is not really allowed to build most of these things, but when has that ever stopped him?

The Washington Post is now reporting that the Trump administration is planning on building the arch without Congress's approval. The administration argues that it doesn't need Congress's approval because lawmakers, a century ago, authorized a somewhat similar project that was never built.

Man, I just can't figure this administration out. They're not looking for congressional approval for a war with Iran, but they have lawyers going through, all the old laws doing a control F for the word arch? How did they find this? I mean, but Trump isn't the only one commemorating America's birthday. We here at the Daily Show are celebrating as well,

and there are so many great moments in history to look back on. Although when you think about it, maybe not as many as you think. America's history is complicated. Our once-proudest moments, now problematic. Our triumphs morally gray. milestones eroded by backlash. Our beloved heroes are now gross. But there's still one moment in American history that brings us all together.

The 1992 Olympic basketball dream team. Bang! The most incredible basketball players ever assembled. And also Christian Leitner. It's literally the last thing all Americans can look at and just say, That was awesome. Boom, Shakalaka. Americans must forever reckon with stealing the lands of indigenous people.

But we'll never have to apologize for Barclay, stealing the rock four times against Brazil. Walking on the moon now just reminds us of the conspiracy theories destroying the fabric of our nation. But how about this fabric? The big head t-shirt of the drink team. Man, that sure was cool. I had six of them.

The end of the Cold War collapsed our political consensus. But the Dream Team collapsed everyone's defense. Mr. Gorbachev tear down this backboard. The Dream Team has no dark pass to revisit. No statues to tear down. Just absolute dominance by the greatest basketball players of all time. And Christian Leitner. Were they perfect?

Was their top competition, Valderamas Comichus of Lithuania? Did some of them have a gambling problem? Did Michael Jordan's son end up dating Scotty Pippen's ex-wife? Which sounds even weirder when you realize she must have known him as a baby? Well, shut the fuck up, okay? Don't take this from us, too. Just enjoy this American exceptionalism. So, happy birthday, America.

Thanks for the dream team. The one thing we all agree. we can be proud of. And Christian Laytoner. Right wing media, you cannot tear us apart. Our mayor is Muslim. Our bagels are Jewish. Our Timothy's Shalameh.

Nixon 5. Man, some shit happened that wasn't great. The night was marred by some violence. I mean, what would you guys on the right rather be watching? The White House is getting ready to rumble with UFC. Very excited to see this. Epic, epic day. Hey.

Isn't that awesome? Fight night. I'm actually personally, looking forward to it. Very, very much. I have a ticket plus one. My brother. I've got to tell you, I'm pumped. I feel like my life is going to change this weekend.

His brother? What? We're probably going to be holding on. I don't know what's going to be. Care for New York's joyful night marred by a small amount of violence because it wasn't focused enough on the violence part. Yes, Sunday night gave the president and his acolytes. opportunity to rebut the joyous communion of teamwork that embodied the New York

Knickerbockers for a joyless Vegas-style trudge through the people's house now transformed into a gold-plated pummeling center where the gladiators god was praised for his forbearance and of course nut sack shout at the trunk for having the balls to put some shit like this on and if you were at home watching this thinking to yourself is this a parody Are they filming idiocracy? Next thing, you know, they will be branding the cutaways to our country's commander-in-chief. I got to thank President Trump for making this happen.

This is unbelievable. It takes such a special person to be able to have the balls to do something like this, and I have so much respect for him. Monster energy drink? Is that really cool? Are we now just taunting the old man? Pretty late night, Mr. President. Getting sleepy.

Got an early negotiation in the morning. I bet you're not man enough to throw down a red, white, and blue raspberry snasler. Awful mockery of an event that somehow managed to find a way to devalue both combat sports and our national dignity. Who even aired this embarrassing shit? The event aired on Paramount Plus. And what a fine event? it was. Once, once again, leaders of Paramount Plus, providing us all with incredible content at reasonable prices. Proud to stand with the Paramount family and whatever shows they decide

to either cancel or put on. And lastly, Moschelle Obama is a manned. A fucking asshole. I look forward to his performance on next week's comics Unleashed. I'll let myself out. And by the way, if you thought this entire spectacle was inappropriate for something that takes place in the peripheral vision of Lincoln, well, that's a U problem. Something that middle America,

the average American, could connect with. It's coming back to a sense of like, we don't need the snobby elites anymore pretending they're too good for us. Yeah, you know, the average American, They don't want their White House to stand for certain morals and values. The regular people in this country want their president to live in a slightly more violent hooters. Or a slightly less violent waffle house.

But somehow those of us who live in the shithole parts of the country are the ones looking down on you? They would probably be having like a pride show or something for 250th with, you know, half-naked men. I'm tired of this. You guys always trying to draw a distinction between the real America of the heartland and the elites in the big city. But it's never been true. If being a real American means sacrificing and working your ass off to try and achieve the dream of a better life for your children, no Americans are more real than New Yorkers. None of them.

We have eight and a half million people here. They're probably more hardworking American value individuals in the liberal hellhole of New York City than exist in the entire states of Wyoming, Idaho, and Mississippi combined. And yes, maybe two to three percent of those people are Spider-Men, but still, most New Yorkers don't go to the Met Gala. And trust me, there are elites in the heartland, too. I know for a fact, Tulsa is ruled by kings. New York's a hard place to live, man. It's a hard city to live in. There's 100 different nationalities in a two-block radius.

10 pounds of people in a five-pound bag. And it's one of those bags that people should really use to clean up after their dogs, but they don't. They sometimes don't. But that's why weekends, like the one we just had, are all the more magical, where you feel the joy and striving and hope. And let's face it, aroma of the people

that you live really too close to. The real division in America isn't between cities and rural areas or suburbs or heartland values and coastal elites or liberals and conservatives. It's between people anywhere who find joy in community versus those who seem to only find it in fealty. And I know which America I want to occasionally step in dog shit in.

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