The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | Back to School

Episode Date: August 27, 2025

Yes more teachers, yes more books, yes more teachers' dirty looks... Head back to school with TDS. Stephen Colbert enrolls in broadcasting school to learn his craft. Jon Stewart takes a look at the invasive coverage of the Obama daughters heading back to school, with extra invasive help from Wyatt Cenac, Sam Bee, and John Oliver. John Oliver and Jason Jones embed in a middle school student body presidential election in an explosive three part story. Jon and Roy Wood Jr. both dine out on coverage of healthy school lunch options and/or mandates. Aasif Mandvi tries to scare students straight out of going to college, and Dulcé Sloan challenges the public to prove her wrong on her hottest educational takes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This winter, take a trip to Tampa on Porter Airlines. Enjoy the warm Tampa Bay temperatures and warm Porter hospitality on your way there. All Porter fairs include beer, wine, and snacks, and free fast-streaming Wi-Fi on planes with no middle seats. And your Tampa Bay vacation includes good times, relaxation, and great Gulf Coast weather. Visit FlyPorter.com and actually enjoy economy. You're listening to Comedy Central. It's autumn, which means for millions of children across America, it's back to school time. But what about professional news people like me?

Is there a school where I can brush up on my newsman skills? How could I keep my edge? By the learn-by-doing hands-on training that has placed thousands from coast to coast. Connecticut Schools of Broadcasting. Yes, the Connecticut School of Broadcasting. Thanks, Mom. Conveniently located in the media capital of the world, Farmington, Connecticut. It's a place where fresh-faced kids and me

come to learn the basics of reporting, like how to read, How to read. Look back up and deliver and read it. And how to hold paper. See, this hand right here can move and move copy to the side. I knew who I wanted for my faculty advisor. I met with Ms. Brantley in her office to discuss some of the basics of reporting. Probably the most important thing to keep in mind is pay attention.

Okay. Listen to what the person is saying. What about listening? Is that important? It's probably the most important thing. What is? Listening is probably the most important thing. Hmm?

And most importantly, she taught me a valuable lesson in journalistic detachment. Is it okay for a reporter to get a little tender? I think so. Well, how personal could he get? Pretty personal. Pretty personal. I mean, they're all limits. Right. What if it got really personal?

Pretty much the interview would be over. Well, it's good that they don't do that then. One last question. Is listening important? But school wasn't all fun in games. Midterms could get pretty stressful for these newcomers. The mob is estimated at between 40 and 50 people,

including what appears to be at least one priest. Nice try, kids, good effort. Steven, would you like to give it a try? I thought I'd give the kids a thrill and show them how an old network pro lays one down. Okay, just take a look at it before you start. Got it. You all right? You're clear on that? Got it.

Look it over before you start. I got it. Don't rush. All right. All right. The mob is estimated to be between 40 and 50 people. The mob is estimated to be between 40 and people. The mob is estimated to be between 40 and 50 people, including up here as a priest. I want to come home, John. I hate it here.

But failure is one course they don't teach at old CSB. I struggled back from the brink of defeat. You see, I had something to prove to myself. The mob is estimated it between four. 40 and 50 people, including what appears to be at least one priest. Then it was time to say goodbye to my old school chums. While I'm not sure what I learned at the Connecticut School of Broadcasting, there is one thing I know for sure.

They cashed my check. Folks, as the economy continues to struggle and the Middle East continues to burn, There was big news yesterday out of Washington. A big day for the Obama girls, their first day at a new school. Today is their first day of classes. First day of school in a new place. The Obama girls are heading to a brand new school in Washington, D.C. By the way, those SUVs whizzing by had the girls going to school.

Sasha did have her nose pressed a bit wistfully against the glass. The first day at school is stressful. I don't think that's first day of school stress. That's, Mommy, there are so many cameras. Am I integrating this school? For God's sakes, James Meredith didn't have that many cameras when he went to the internet. Ole Miss.

Ask your parents. Now, obviously, this is nothing new. 32 years ago, there was widespread coverage of little Amy Carter's first day of school is when the media discovered that you shouldn't poke children with giant metal sticks. Oh, get her! She's getting away! Get her! Get her!

Although in her case, it wasn't necessary. You remember Amy Carter? She was a great kid, but could bite a man's arm off. She said the metal spiky teeth. But, of course, the lessons from Carter's time still holds sway. As far as we're concerned, And unless there is a compelling editorial reason,

that's the last you'll see of Amy Carter at school on this program. Well done, and that's pretty much the way we all feel about the Obama daughters. Thank you, Brian Williams, for showing some restraint, a courtesy from the NBC family, the Obama family. But, of course, in all families, there is the douchey uncle. MSNBC. The Obama kids have just now left the Hay Adams Hotel a short time ago on the way to the school.

Michelle Obama escorted her children to their new school this morning. That's Sasha back there with a backpack on. Just like most kids going to school, the backpack way too big for those little bodies. They're probably talking about, you know, in the cafeteria, do you like Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers? That blue stuffed animal keychain hanging off her backpack? It's an ugly doll. an ugly doll that seems like an odd name

I'm not sure why he'd call it an ugly oh my god oh yes apparently the MS in MSNBC stands for all Malia and Sasha come on what's the news value in learning about Sasha's doll. First kids have long been trendsetters

when it comes to toys and other assorted items. When Caroline Kennedy was living in the White House in the 1960, she had a collection of 75 dolls and puppets. And then there was the year 1862. And little Willie Lincoln got All-America started on the hot new craze dying of typhoid fever. But even MS. Even MSNBC has to have its limits.

That's true. Or hours. Don't they? Check out what they're serving for lunch today. Malia at the upper school can opt for tomato basil soup, various salads, Philly cheese steaks, right on. All right. I guess that's a little excessive, but I guess you can excuse a one-day glimpse at the kid's menu. Tomorrow's menu?

A decidedly Mexican flair with nachos, fajitas, tortillas, fiesta, rice. Oh, Betty and Veronica, you disappoint me. I wonder how Betty's hot mom and Jughead handled the Malia and Sasha coverage. I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with what we just did. I'm going to say that. While they're out there, we need to just back off. I'm very upset about it personally. If I were Barack Obama, I would be horrified.

Then do something. Guess what? Your Morning Joe. It's your show, dude. For more on the conflicted and media intense firestorm, we go out to Wyatt Sinek. Wyatt? Yeah, John.

I am so tired of these so-called reporters intruding into these little girl's lives, making their every move a living nightmare, and then giving us nothing. They came in a car. They got there at 8. The little one has a backpack. If you're going to Sell out every principle you have as a reporter and a human being.

Give me something I can taste. Who are their crushes? Who are their BFFs? Which Twilight Book are they on? How do you find something like a out? You go undercover. 21 Jump Street style. So you're...

Parker Van Camp, Sidwell Fifth Rider in the house. Party in my place this weekend. And the beard? You mean my mole? Wyatt, I'm not sure the information that you're looking for is worth a massive deception that you're perpetrating. I totally agree, John. Yes, Samantha B.

In the... In the Sidwell Friends lunchroom. And if you want the real scoop... Ah, I see. So you actually got a job as a lunch lady to spy on these children. Well, as far as Sidwell knows, I'm not a member of the media. I have committed zero felonies, and I wash my hands every time I use the bathroom. Suckers.

I feel very uncomfortable about this. I don't know if this is something that I can... Good for you, John. Well said, because I share your reluctance. John Oliver. John Oliver. Where... What? Where are you?

Where am I? Malia's locker, John, where for the past 30 minutes I have rifled through all of her private belongings. And how do you feel about that, John? I don't really know, John. I've lost the capacity to feel. What did you find? Well, interestingly, a hash pipe and an ugly doll with a bag of black tar heroin stuffed in his head. Really? No, not really. She's a child.

I did find her a Jonas Brothers trapper keeper, some bubble gun flavored lip gloss, and I think some kind of high-end all-weather jacket. But the point is, I might have found something. And isn't that reason enough for me to be here? Pretending to be conflicted, this is John Oliver. living. Acting horrified about my life choices.

This is Samantha Bee. Waiting for John Stewart to sign my permission slip so I can go to the zoo, this park of man can. It's great. Great work, everybody. Great, terrible work. You know, politics is a cynical business, but there's one place where the ideals of democracy are still pure.

Middle school elections. We set out to ruin that by sending John Oliver. Oliver, in a documentary crew to take over an eighth grade student council election, I present to you part one of our new three-part series, The Strategist. Woodcliff Middle School was in full campaign mode as two very different candidates ran for class president. My name is Kyle Pearlman. I'm Lauren.

I'm 13. I'm in eighth grade. And I'm running for a student council president. Strategist John Oliver's first task was picking which candidate to work with. For some advice on how to make his choice, he turned to grizzled 25-year campaign consultant, Mark O'Hara. Most consultants, they're concerned about two things and two things only, winning the campaign and making sure they get paid. Oh, that's great. It's simple.

That makes my job a whole lot easier. Lauren, why do you want to be president? Well, I really want to focus on anti-bullying, so it just is completely eliminated from the school. school? Just, it's a bragging rights. Would you describe yourself as a popular person? Not exactly. Yeah, I would.

If you're an animal, Lauren, what animal would you be? A cat. I would probably be a shark. Good answer. What kind of shark? A great white. Great answer. Congratulations, you've got yourself a campaign manager.

Great. Hey, Lauren, get out. Get out. Get out! It was a perfect match. Shut the door behind you. We are going to crush her. Crush her.

The team went straight to work in a purpose-built war room. Hey Kyle, you know why I like you? Why? Because part of you frightens me, and that's a good thing. Thanks. With a professional strategist pulling the strings for Kyle, sweet, idealistic young Lauren didn't seem to stand a chance. until a rival campaign manager showed up.

Hey Jones, what are you doing? With these two hardened operatives set against each other, things were about to get nasty. But where should they begin? We do oppositional research on ourselves so that at least we know in advance what's likely to be coming from the other side. All right, let's pull up your Facebook page here.

What's your password? Poppy's one, two, three. Of course it is. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's that? What's that? Oh, not looking forward to the next Twilight movie. Why would you write that? Oh, I saw the part one of the movie and it was awful.

You can't have an opinion on that kind of stuff. Who's that? My aunt. Get rid of her. Who's that? Family friend. Get rid of her. Who's that? That's Kyle.

A kid you're running against, you can't be friends with him. Okay? All right. Okay, so let me ask you again. Hey, Kyle, have you seen Twilight? Yeah, I have. What do you think of it? It's great.

See, see how easy that was? Yeah. All you had to do was sacrifice something that you fundamentally believe passionately in. Great. With vetting complete, the campaigns needed to decide where to place their focus. Which is more important? Image or the content of your message? Image.

Absolutely. You know, it's not uncommon for a consultant to buy a whole new wardrobe for a candidate, for a consultant to get a candidate a different haircut. Okay, we can do that. You better work. Can you do kind of conservative but not too conservative, wealthy but not elite? This feels weird. You look great. There were just 12 days until the most important vote of their 12-year-old lives coming up tomorrow on the strategists

the campaign intensifies You listen to me, you I will down your You understand me! Previously on the strategists, John and Jason each took an 8th grade presidential candidate and provided them

with a modern political campaign. As the frantic first few days of the campaign drew to a close, there were some minor administrative issues to resolve. We've got bills here coming in, clothes, pollsters, my salary, general expenses, you know, but it does come to $5,105.67. Words it's simple, what's the war chest? Sorry? The war chest, money.

What funds have we got? Um, I don't have any. You've no money. No. Do you mind just putting your hands over your ears for a second? Sure. Yeah, just really tight. F***.

There was no money, and as 25-year campaign veteran Mark O'Hara knows, that is a problem. If you're very, very good at raising money, you don't really have to be very good at anything else. And if you can't raise money, you're f***ed. So Jason and Lauren immediately here. hit the phones to cold call loved ones and bleed them dry. Hello. Mom, it's Lauren.

Hi, I'm what's doing, sweetie? We're trying to fundraise for the campaign. Okay, how can I help? So we were wondering if we could have $1,000. $1,000? What are you going to use $1,000 for? To win. No, you have it wrong.

You can't buy a campaign. You have to win on your own. Quit being so naïve. Quit being so naïve. Naïve? What are you to fire campaign? Uh, we gotta go, all right, bye. Meanwhile, across town, Kyle was about to entertain his top donors at a private fundraiser.

Okay, we got 15 of your key donors out there. This is important. 599 on a plate. So, let's go over what we learned. One. Start off with a joke. Good. Two. Give them some red meat.

Exactly, in three, don't say the . Go get us paid. Thank you all for being here. If I go to any more of these fundraisers, I'm going to get fat. The fundraiser was a huge success, but there's always a danger in your candidate becoming too comfortable. So look, 47% of this school is not going to vote for me.

They're lame and dweeps, and they're addicted to being dweeps. Have you seen this thing? 400 hits all over. 400 hits already. It's blowing up. We're not using that. Probably didn't mean anything of it, I mean. Okay. Okay. Stay positive.

Girls, have you seen this? Look at Kyle. He's calling you all dweaves. Oh my God. Negative campaigning works, and anybody in my industry who tells you different doesn't know what the fuck they're talking about. And thus, the negativity began. began. Oh, f***.

Oh, f***. The hostility was threatening to spill over. And sadly, it did. During an appearance, the strategists made on the school's top-rated news program. Hi, I'm Nina with WCMS News, here with John Oliver and Jason Jones, campaign strategist. Hi, Jason. How's the campaign going? Well, Nina, first of all, thank you so much for having me. Nina, can I just jump in for a second?

second because the toxic tone of this campaign has been a disgrace so far and i don't think i'm my good friend is clearly demonstrating here is in the actual literal definition that you have been waiting and i'm going to use the word waiting and this is the school deserves better democracy deserves better every single time in unifying candidate what is happening what is happening on the Mom down. Is absolutely disgusting. I'm sorry, Lauren, but that's... This is non-engaging in the discussion.

Thank you. Thank you. The tone of this campaign so far. Well, it's all we have time for today. Thanks for watching. Thank you for coming. Next time on the strategists, the attacks get personal. Lauren, guess what I found?

Boom! How do you allow yourself to get photographed naked in a bathtub? I was a baby. Previously on the strategists, Jason and John brought modern political tactics to an eighth grade student council election and were immediately embraced by the children. So you like your campaign guy? Not really. It's kind of mean. Now with the campaign entering its final days, the presidential debate was approaching. And as 25-year campaign strategist Mark O'Hara knows, you have to be prepared.

Debate is the most formal setting for a candidate's image to be sort of fully realized. And so you practice everything. We even focus group individual words. We find out what words they like, and then we find ways to repeat them in meaningful, catchy phrases so that they'll stick with them when they go into the polls. Honor. Who likes it, honor, leadership, nachos. Yeah, what word are we going to use? Nachos.

How often are we going to use that word? All the time. That's right. So describe the school using a nacho metaphor? Uh, nachos. The school is like nacho cheese. It's warm, nourishing, and you can't get enough of it. I love it.

As the Pearlman campaign seized the momentum, Jason desperately searched for a celebrity to give the Zablo campaign a boost. I need a big-time actor. Robert Downey Jr., Christian Bale. Any superhero would be great. Oh, really? You think you'd do it? But time was running out. was running out, because with debate afternoon finally here, for the candidates, it was game time.

It is with great pleasure that I introduce Kyle Perlman and Lauren Zablin. My name is Lauren Zablo, and I am running to be your Student Council president. I've been in student council since sixth grade, so I'm... I will make every effort to fix what I've done. While Lauren went with substance, the Perlman camp took a different approach. Hello, my fellow Americans. I'm sorry to see I'm the only one wearing a flagpoint today.

And I'm sorry to see that. I'm the only one wearing a flag pin today. Yes! Now this election we all know is pretty much a popularity contest. Use the word nachos in the next sentence. For example, you could say nachos are popular. Yes. Yes.

Say, God bless America. God bless America. Nachos. Nachos. With his back to the wall, it was time for Jason to deploy his celebrity endorsement. Who here's a fan of Batman? And what about Iron Man? Well, how about the Phantom?

Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Zay! Billy Zay, the Phantom! This is the most important election of your lifetime, and that is why I am throwing my full support behind Lauren Zablo for Woodcliffe Middle School class president. But an October surprise can quickly turn into an October nightmare. So, uh, Kyle, you want me to say what to Lauren? I can't say that.

She's only 13 years old. I mean, it's over your head. Everything's over your f***in' head. You get your dad to come down here. I'll kick his f***es. Really? Billy's saying, everybody. With the debate over, it was time for the children to vote.

And for the strategists to get instant feedback from exit polls. Twelve days of campaigning, thousands of. dollars unnecessarily spent, all led up to this one moment. Good afternoon, Woodcliffe Lake, students, and faculty. I am proud to make the announcements for the winning Student Council representatives for your 2012 Woodcliff Lake Middle School President, Kyle Perlman. Oh, yeah, I figured. Hey, Billy, what do you think about a third-grade race in Akron, Ohio?

Shaka. And with that, John, Jason, and Billy Zane were gone, because as any strategist knows, winning is everything. Cleaning up the mess is someone else's problem. Welcome back. Kyle Perlman, Lauren Zablo. Nicely done, guys. Very nicely done. First of all, I just want to thank you guys for participating.

You guys were great sports, and it was really a wonderful exercise. I want to ask what you felt like it was like to work with Jason and John in that the kind of work. Who is it? He did great. He did great. He was really great. Yeah. Kyle. What plans do you have now that you're in office?

Actually, Carl, I'll jump in and take this. John, for a start, it's President Perlman to you. Respect the fucking office. And President Perlman is not taking questions at this time, okay? You know what? Let me just take care of this real quick after that display. Just you might want to sign those guys. These are just releases that in any way

indemnify the show of physical or emotional damage that were inflicted on you or the school. And it's just a pledge to never tell your parents that ever this happened. Okay. Thank you both very much. Kyle Perlman, Lauren Zablo, everybody. We'll be right back.

Now, kids, obviously, you've heard about the tensions in Syria, Iran throughout the Middle East, But there is a battle brewing, much closer to home. Tonight, the food fight sweeping school cafeterias nationwide. Students who say healthy lunches now mandated under federal guidelines are leaving them hungry. Newsflash. Extra, extra, extra. Children think school lunches suck.

We now go out to our own Captain Obvious, who has been following this story since schools began serving lunch. All right, what's the problem? Smaller portions, fewer calories, less meat and cheese, and more fruits and vegetables. Some kids are complaining that their lunch doesn't fill them up. The new rules limit elementary schoolers to 650 calories,

700 calories for middle schoolers, and 850 for high schoolers. EXTRI, EXTRI. School lunches suck. And the portions are too small. So you hate the food and you want more of it. But I guess, look, if the government is actually policing students and restricting their caloric intake, that does seem a bit draconian.

Despite calorie limits, students can always get second of fruits and vegetables. Oh, sure. Fruits and vegetables. Like that counts as food. You know what we called fruits and vegetables in my school, nerd grenades! And I should know because

I got hit by a lot of nerd grenades. I thought my nickname was incoming. It was just like, huh. All right, sure. This is only for lunches that are subsidized by the government, and sure, you're allowed unlimited fruits and vegetables, but a third of our kids are overweight or obese, and if this keeps up from the government,

we are never getting that above 50%. I'm still not clear on why they're hungry. At some schools, the amount of food thrown out in cafeterias is shocking. Kids are now throwing away twice as much food as last year. Hmm. Now, I am obviously not a nutritionist or an educator, but I think if these kids are hungry, I guess my solution would be, eat your mother-billion lunch!

You know who's not hungry? You're old pal Remy out in the dumpster. Because you gave him your lunch. So the USDA, which has been setting guidelines for subsidized school lunches for the past, oh, I don't know, 70 years has, in trying to curb what everybody agrees is a childhood obesity problem,

changed last year's school lunch menu from cheese pizza, canned pineapple, tater tots, and low-fat chocolate milk into whole wheat cheese. pizza baked sweet potato fries applesauze and low fat milk why is this news new guidelines thanks to Michelle Obama's school lunch calorie limits Michelle Obama's nutritional school lunches oh man oh right that's right because this isn't really about food or kids it's about big government Uber Nanny Michelle Obama who if she

said we need clean air, half the country would demand gills because freedom! Listen to the complaint. The USDA shouldn't be deciding how many calories we take or how many calories we expend during the day. At some point, it's personal responsibility. That's what I'm talking about. He's America, Jack! Just because Uncle Sam's buying me lunch doesn't mean he can tell me what to eat. By the way, how do you feel about food stamps?

The issue is should you be able to use, should be allowed to use an ABT card, a food stamp card at a McDonald's. I'd rather have, you know, my tax dollar going to a family buying stuff at Costco and the ball getting good deal on it, then going to McDonald's. Right, because this is America, Jack. If Uncle Sam's paying for the meal, Uncle Sam gets to tell you where to eat, oh, I just forgot. I don't make any sense! The story actually came to light because kind of a funny parody music video made by some high school students

that even included some much younger students singing along in Kansas where they decried the new federal guidelines and even burned the legislation. Kids taking a strong political stand. Pretty sophisticated stuff. The parody song was actually written by an English teacher at the school. Oh, a teacher wrote a song that the children, including what appear to be elementary school kids, performed against the government. I wonder how Fox is going to take this in it. I don't mean they're pundits.

I mean they're news people. Cafeteria Revolt, the new school lunch program that has left students starving. In Kansas, some kids and a teacher came up with a parody of video turning the song, We Are Young, into We Are Hungry. I am told that if people don't like their vegetables, you just serve it to them day after day after day, and some people believe that that will make them love their vegetables. It's all just good fun. It's just a funny little video, a parody video,

the little kids in school singing. And you know, it reminds me that video of kids singing a song about Barack Obama just after he was inaugurated. We are trying to get some answers about a video that is getting attention on the Dredge Report, website this morning. It shows young children singing the praises, quite literally, of the president. You know, many parents would have no problem with this. Many parents would and just don't want this sort of political cheerleading, if you will, in the classroom.

Hmm. The tone seems different in those two stories. So kids singing a song criticizing the administration, we'll show it to Hedges' money. Kids singing a song praising the administration. We'll show it to you. It's very disturbing. So how divided are we as a nation? Well, we have two types of diabetes in this country, and if Obama is against them, well, America's number one news network is for one of them.

President Trump believes in a lot of things. The electoral college, Twitter, and of course, junk food. He loves junk food so much, he has now changed how American kids eat. Roy Wood Jr. has more. Back in 2010, Michelle Obama took her biceps and broccoli and did something unforgivable. I am thrilled to be here with all of you today as my husband signs the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act into law. This act changed the guidelines for school lunches, forcing innocent children to eat more nutritious meals, and they were not happy. Angry students are tweeting out cell phone snaps of their school lunches.

Hashtag, thanks Michelle Obama. Thankfully, the Trump administration has finally done something right. They're making school lunches crazy again. You're going to finish that plan? Let me get all of this. A bunch of kids talked to me about how they didn't like their school meals anymore, and we can make school lunches great again. Which means things like flavored chocolate milk will be back on the menu.

That's right. In a bizarre twist, Trump is for once the hero. His administration changed nutritious back to delicious, and all is right with the world again. But there's one flavor hater trying to roll back the rollbacks. Meet Margo Wu-Tan, the Vice President for Nutrition at the Center for Science and the public interest. She's also worked with the Obamas on the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act. Explain yourself, Margo.

Why are you taking good food away from the kids? We give kids choices, but all those choices need to be healthy. Then that's not a choice. If a dude came up to me and said, hey, do you want to be punched in the face or kicked in the face? I would say I would do not like either of those choices. Food can be delicious and still be healthy.

Just come over to my house for dinner. I'll show you. I'll see him get out. When I was a kid, we had perfectly healthy school lunches like this. And I turned out fine. So what exactly are they changing in the menu? Switching from fatty meats to leaner proteins,

taking out the saturated fat, the trans, and bringing down the salt levels to see... You are a monster! It's not what you do, the kids. The food is supposed to be tasty and terrible, and it's supposed to make you fall asleep in Ms. O'Ollman's biology class in fifth period. Actually, it's supposed to help you learn,

not make them fall asleep. Why would you do that? What's next? You're going to take recess away? We love recess. Why don't you take away playing cards in the bathroom for $5 a hand? This was outrageous. What does Obama's school lunch ever done for anybody?

Childhood obesity will decrease by 2 million kids and will save $800 million in health care costs. That don't even sound like real numbers. Where'd you get that dad? From Harvard? A dude named Harvard? Harvard. Harvard. Oh, Harvard. Harvard. Okay. Okay. My bad.

It's just, I know a dude named Harvard. He'd be lying sometimes. And Larga was just getting started. Three quarters of the kids who get the school lunch come from low-income families, and their kids really rely on these meetings. rely on these meals as an important source of nutrition. Okay, that's bad. But how much nutrition are they actually losing? So we have two school lunches. We have a whole grain bun versus a white flour bun.

But we have carrots here, and we have salty French fries here, because Trump is letting in more salt than was supposed to be. Ain't nothing wrong with a couple fries. They potatoes. They're growing the ground just like a damn carrot. More salt in kids diets means higher blood pressure in childhood, which leads to you. to hypertension, stroke, heart disease, heart attacks.

This really can have a big impact on children's long-term health. Somebody's got to go save the kids. If the government is going to keep putting politics before kids' health, then it's up to me to infiltrate every school cafeteria and change their eating habits. Listen up, you maggots! I've been watching you kids secretly. Not watching you like watching you eat, I've been watching your diet, I've been watching your diet. And I don't like what I've been seeing, so I am here to change your lives.

Oh hell no, oh hell no. These kids were out of control. Looks like it's time for them to meet Sergeant Tuffler. Who are you crazy? You know how many calories is in that slice of pizza? You don't know. You don't know nothing. Look at me what I'm talking to you.

Don't look at me. Think you know everything about nutrition. Not nutrition. These kids need to be whipped in the shape. Apple sauce. No good food goes to waste on my watch. This is for your own good. Now everybody come over here and get an apple sauce in a carrot.

Dipped the carrot in the apple sauce. These kids were in a food coma. It was time to wake them up. All right, listen up everybody. I know hamburgers tastes good, and pizza and baconators from Wendy's with extra cheese. I want one right now. That's not the point. The point is this administration is feeding us junk food to keep us lazy, fat, and complacent.

So that they can get away with whatever they want. So it's time that we show the government. We will not go quietly into that tub of butter. Nutrition now, nutrition tomorrow, nutrition forever. Now who's with me? Take it five. Take it five. Throwing their junk food at me kept them from eating it,

then I've done my job. Mission to come. who once said, I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. Or somebody said that. But what should we teach them and where should we lead them? Our own Asif Manvi investigates. Young people today are under enormous pressure,

and it's easier than ever for them to slip off the rails. In the 70s, the Scared Straight Program tried to save trouble teens by putting them face-to-face with hardened criminals. Today's at-risk youth need a new scared straight. I have one person that I want you to meet. This guy is gonna melt your brain. DJ, get in here.

Hey, how you doing? Okay, he may not look scary, but wait until you hear his story. I screwed my life up, going to college. A private institution didn't research. Didn't research, didn't think when it took loans out. I owe $170,000. That's a lot of money. Yes, TJ was here to scare kids who were at risk of a college education.

Costs are up over 1,000% in the last 30 years. Student debt is at an all-time high, and job prospects are dismal. Career advisor, Marty Nemco. For many more people than in decades past, college is the wrong choice. who are average students in high school, who went into college, they end up doing jobs that they could have done straight out of high school, like selling extended warranties,

or they are bartenders. Wow, I always assumed that they had a bartending major. I think that's called English Literature. Yeah, English Litslam! Nice! Woo! So had our panel given these issues any thought? What are you gonna measure in? History.

I think sociology. Journalism. Wow. Do you have a time machine? Because you're gonna need one to go back in time to when people get a shit about journalism degrees. Looks like these kids needed TJ to put the fear of school in them. I graduated with a degree in illustration. I don't even do it. I don't do art at all.

$170,000. That's a house. Illustration is an economically useless degree. I'll be dead before these loans are paid off. Just don't make the mistakes I did. Mission accomplished. What did you feel like you got out of that? Yeah.

It's clear I shouldn't do anything with illustration. It seems like a bad life choice. That should take away from it? You're getting a photography degree. Two different things, right? Idiots. Maybe what these kids need is some professional help. Look right into that camera.

What advice would you give to a teenager who's thinking about going to college right now? Think three times. Give equal value. equal value to apprenticeships, to taking a break from school. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Can you jazz it up a little bit when you're talking to teenagers? Hey, dude. You know, the college thing, there's something up with that.

But is that the whole deal? I'm not so sure. You want to check out the options. Things like, you know, apprenticeships. There are options, dude or dudette. You know, I have to be honest, you're kind of awesome at that. That's why I do the work I do. I love it. Yeah.

This time, mission definitely accomplished. There are options, dude or dudette. So, who's still going to college? Okay, you know what? Time to give this job to guys who never went to college. Guys with real skills. New Jack, Jay Lover, get in here. What's up, Einstein's? Why are you smiling?

Get your ass up here! I'll bite your lips off. I'm gonna drop a bomb on you. If you hate going to school, college is a lot like school. Student loans are like herpes with compound interest. You make the wrong choice. You're going to have to move back home with Mama Boy. If you want to be interested at parties,

three words, Malcolm Ickin' Gladwell. You got a college degree in this hand and torn a paper in this hand. You can take two-hs, two-hicks. After two hours of enhanced education techniques, I was hopeful these kids would finally make a smarter choice than going to college. Maybe now I want to intern at a recording studio or somewhere else where I can get some first-hand

hands-on experience. Nice. That was all worth it to have helped even one young person to stay out of school. Oh, and one more thing. Learn Chinese. Just, it'll help. There's so much arguing in America today.

but we here at the Daily Show think there could be even more. So to do our part, here's Dulcey Sloan with another installment of, Prove Me Wrong. You know, it's a special time of year where the crisp is back in the air. Your exes are calling you back

and we have sent those bad-ass kids back in that building. So welcome to Prove Me Wrong. Back to School Edition. These kids ain't that bright anyway. Why keep using your tax dollars to teach these little monsters? Why do you think schools just saw the third grade? What did you learn in the fourth grade that you still use?

Curseive? Now how am I going to remember what I learned in the fourth grade? I don't remember what I wore last week. That's what I'm saying. If you can't remember what you learned in the fourth grade, then why did you need to go past the third? Now that's the valid point, because I can't tell you nothing I learned past the third grade.

Mm-hmm. I want you to prove me wrong. me wrong. Popularity in school does matter. Proof me wrong! I think when you're showered with attention and cuddled too early, like all the people like you, it's not good for your development.

Where'd you go to school? In Germany. Germany? Yeah, southern Germany. So you're saying that you shouldn't be popular because the popular kids end up selling snitzel or some shit. Which is not bad for itself, right? But yeah, I'd say so.

There is no reason to teach spelling anymore. Help me wrong! Spelling is so important. Sorry, I don't want to be rude, but I mean, spelling is like... You're not being rude, I said prove me wrong, you walked over here. I mean, spelling is like, it's the first thing you learn in school. We have all of these computers that tell us, hey, the words are spelled wrong. What about the people who aren't as lucky as us who don't have the technology to have auto-correct?

You know, maybe they're still writing, I don't know. Like people around the world. I've, yeah. I haven't lived that life, but I know they exist. No, I'm only talking about the fools here. Okay, so this is no reason to teach spelling anymore in the U.S. Listen, I'm an American. I don't think about anyone else.

Okay. Why would I think this extrapolates to the rest of the way? I'm jealous. I wish I could just think about myself. Attractive people shouldn't be allowed to be teachers. Prove you up! Well, I think attractiveness is a very subjective He could be attractive to you and not to me.

There's no way we can, like, say ugly people. I don't have played this game. We know who's ugly. We do this all the time as people. It's like, oh, attractiveness is relative. No, it's not. I definitely paid more attention in class when I was an attractive teacher.

I agree. I felt math four time. You only get to take it four times. Yeah. No, I finally passed on the fourth time, actually. But what about all the other math you had to take? I think your counting might be still opposite. Had a hot physics teacher. Don't know what physics are.

I know biology is bodies. Chemistry is the chemicals. What the hell is physics? Physical? I think a hot or not teachers doing physics isn't going to help. Well, thank you so much. I think we've figured out that hot teachers are a detriment to us all. Disagree.

Are you a teacher? Really? What school is this? Can I enroll? See, that's my point. You can't have hot teachers. I wouldn't learn shit with him standing in front of me. You just see them pecks on that man? The disrespect.

He should be fired immediately. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.