The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | Black Friday

Episode Date: November 28, 2025

Shake off the turkey coma and pick up your weapon of choice, it's America's favorite holiday free-for-all: Black Friday. Check out The Daily Show's coverage of the annual carnage. Learn more about yo...ur ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Cold mornings, holiday plans. This is when I want my wardrobe to be simple. Stuff that looks sharp, feels good, and things I'll actually wear. For me, that's quince. And the bonus? Quince pieces make great gifts too. This season's lineup is simple but smart and easy with quince. $50 cashmere sweaters that feel like an everyday luxury and wool coats that are equal parts stylish and durable. Their denim nails the fit and everyday comfort at a fraction of what you'd expect to pay. By partnering directly with ethical factories and top artisans, Quince cuts out the middlemen to deliver premium quality at half the cost of other high-end brands, so you can give luxury quality pieces without the luxury price tag.
Starting point is 00:00:41 Giving at timeless holiday staples that last the season with Quince. Go to quince.com slash daily show for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com Daily Show. Free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash daily show. It's that time of year again. Everyone knows that holidays can become overwhelming quickly. So the sooner you get things done, the better. For both shoppers and businesses, the best time to score great deals during the holidays is Black Friday slash Cyber Monday weekend. Whether you're an established business or someone who's going to experience their first Black Friday slash Cyber Monday this year, you know that the most important thing you need is a platform that can handle everything that is about to, be thrown at you. You don't want to find out that your inventory is off as your orders keep
Starting point is 00:01:32 streaming in, or that your point-of-sale system cannot keep up with all the requests, many from new customers who are buying your product for the first time. You need to make sure that your tools and platform are ready for anything that comes your way during the busiest weekend of the year, and that's why you need Shopify. Shopify has thousands of templates and tools to help streamline website creation, making sure that your site isn't just aesthetically pleasing, but functional at the same time. Don't let your brand's voice get lost in the thousands of messages consumers will be seeing. Shopify's marketing tools will help push your brand to the forefront of the chaos, no matter what platform your customers are on. If you want to give your customers the best
Starting point is 00:02:06 experience possible this holiday season, you need Shopify. This Black Friday, join the thousands of entrepreneurs hearing for the first time with Shopify. Sign up for your free trial today at Shopify.com slash sell now. That's Shopify.com slash sell now. Go to Shopify.com slash sell now and make this Black Friday, One to Remember. You're listening to Comedy Central. Last Thursday was Thanksgiving a day about being with family, but the day after Thanksgiving is about buying things for family, while standing on the head of a complete stranger.
Starting point is 00:02:53 So America took to the malls on Friday to kick off its annual holiday shopping spree. Christmas shoppers looked for expensive big ticket items, while Hanukkah shoppers sought out eight smaller, crappier ticket items. And across the country, shoppers thronged retail outlets searching for this year's hot gift, an empty box. It brings an empty box to a store.
Starting point is 00:03:18 Preliminary reports indicate record sales at many outlets. But remember, Thanksgiving weekend, and normally accounts for only 10% of holiday sales. So there's still a long way to go before we find out whether we've consumed enough to make Jesus happy. Are his eyes following me? And speaking of the Prince of Peace,
Starting point is 00:03:50 the holiday shopping season is also about violence. These three women were videotaped by ABC News fighting at a Toys R Us store early Friday morning after one woman allegedly cut in line. Bitch. The woman was eventually ejected from the line, but later snuck back into the store through the back entrance after doing a favor for Jeffrey. Meanwhile, at an Orlando, Florida area Walmart store, wait, it gets better. So many people tried to take advantage of a $29 DVD player sale that a 48-year-old woman was trampled and knocked unconscious by other shoppers and had to be airlifted to a hospital. Upon awakening, the woman had no memory of her visit to Walmart, a condition known in the medical community as lucky.
Starting point is 00:04:52 fortunate. Where am I? Next Thursday night, America celebrates the holiday that defines it as a nation. Black Friday. But where did Black Friday come from? Well, to find out, we turn to Desi Lideck in another episode of, why do we celebrate this?
Starting point is 00:05:16 Hey, get back. This one's mine. You all ready to die for this flat screen because I am. Hello, my shopaholics, maximistas, mall rats, coupon clippers, bargain bitches, capitalism warriors, and salesluts. It's the holidays, and that means one thing. Family.
Starting point is 00:05:40 No, I'm kidding. That means shopping. Family. What the fuck. Like many of you, I too will be going out on Black Friday, one of America's most treasured excuses to buy shit. And Black Friday seems like something that's been around forever. I mean, I can't remember a time when Black Friday didn't exist.
Starting point is 00:05:58 Then again, my memory is a little fuzzy from all the head trauma from previous Black Fridays. The history of Black Friday is actually quite interesting. It started in the 1920s when retail stores wanted to set a clear beginning to the Christmas shopping season. So department stores like Macy's created grand parades to signal to Americans, it's time to start spending cash. Although back then, parade balloons weren't as cute as the ones today.
Starting point is 00:06:21 You know, classics like Puff the Methuel Dragon, whimsical Drifter murderer, and Thick Daddy Superman. Anything they were hoping to scare people to run inside the stores? I don't know. The point is, retailers dependent on a big Christmas shopping season, and we're willing to do whatever it took to make it as long as possible. In fact, during the Great Depression, they even lobbied President Franklin Roosevelt to move Thanksgiving
Starting point is 00:06:45 a week earlier to allow for more Christmas shopping. And after his cousin finished giving him a hand job, FDR agreed. Eventually they moved Thanksgiving back, but the retailers got what they wanted because over the next few decades, more and more people began their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. But the first time the day was called Black Friday was in the 1960s. It was actually coined by the Philadelphia Police Department because the day brought tons of traffic in chaos. And for shopping to cause chaos in Philadelphia, it has to really be chaos. I once set fire to a mannequin at a Zara in Philadelphia, and they didn't even kick me out at the store. They just threw it in the burnt mannequin pile. Sorry. It was in the 1980s that Black Friday finally went nationwide,
Starting point is 00:07:28 and it was all thanks to America's obsession with the adorable little vegetable human monster hybrids known as the Cabbage Patch Kids. I got this one for $3,000, and I had to get punched by a lot of grandmas to get it, but it was worth it. The toys were in such high demand that it caused literal riots across America.
Starting point is 00:07:48 People fought their neighbors too, tooth and nail to pay for some lettuce-shaped plastic. But all the violence was worth it for that precious Christmas morning when their kids would open the box, see the Cabbage Patch Kid, and then play with the box. The Cabbage Patch Kids set the standard for all sorts of Black Friday crazes throughout the 90s, from Furbies to Beanie Babies, to Tickle Me Elmo's to countless other toys bought by newly divorced dads trying to buy their way into their kids' hearts. By 2002, nearly three quarters of all shoppers were in stores over Black Friday weekend.
Starting point is 00:08:21 It was paradise for people looking for deals and robbers looking for unguarded homes. Black Friday was so successful that stores started pushing the start time back from Friday morning to Friday at midnight and then all the way back to Thanksgiving night itself. They called the new holiday Gray Thursday as a tribute to the moral gray area of abandoning your family on Thanksgiving to choke out a stranger for an Instapot. Oh, it's ready. And throughout this time, Black Friday door buster sales became more dangerous as consumers turned every big box store into a big octagon arena. It got so bad that in 2011 you were statistically more likely to be injured in a Black Friday sale than from a shark attack. Unless that shark is also at the Black Friday sale and then it depends on whoever wants that blender more.
Starting point is 00:09:11 Got it! Yes! But sadly, the good times and horrific injuries couldn't It didn't last forever. With the dawn of online shopping, Black Friday became less relevant than the newer, shinier, two-day primar holiday that took its place. Along came Cyber Monday, an easier way to score deals while avoiding the mobs at in-person stores.
Starting point is 00:09:31 It's just another way technology has pulled us further apart. I mean, sure it's more convenient, but think of what we lose when we no longer have that one-on-one air friar-to-skull contact. It's sad. Also in recent years, retail employees have begun pushing back on soap. called Holiday Creep, which is a term for stores expanding their holiday shopping periods into Thanksgiving, not what happens when your weird cousin hits the eggnog too hard and tries to go FDR on your underparts. But even as its golden days are behind it, Black Friday
Starting point is 00:10:01 is still an American institution, standing tall beside Thanksgiving and the Super Bowl and the purge. And now that you know it's history, don't forget to keep it in perspective. Sure, saving money is great, but this season isn't a fighting some stranger at a store. It's about gathering your family and fighting with them. So happy shopping season. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta start practicing for the big day.
Starting point is 00:10:28 Hey, step away from that Dyson. You think I won't pull out this pin? Well, guess what? TikTok, motherfucker. for a segment we call Back in Black. Next week is my favorite day of the year, Black Friday. Trample a guy on a Tuesday afternoon, you get charged with assault. But do it at a Walmart on Black Friday, you get a PS4.
Starting point is 00:11:12 But this year something about Black Friday is twisting every single. one's panties. Black Friday itself is turning into an entire season. Do I hope Black Friday ends? Absolutely. I can't stand that day. The event is becoming so long. Starting Black Friday on Thanksgiving should be illegal.
Starting point is 00:11:30 Black Wednesday. Great Thursday. Small Business Saturday. Cyber Monday is the worst thing I've ever heard. We might as well call it Black November. What the hell are you complaining about? Oh no. Now Blenders are on sale for a whole month.
Starting point is 00:11:44 God, why have this? God, why have thou forsaken us? Nobody's forcing you to buy anything. You can shop. You cannot shop. You can do what we Jews do and wait until the day after Christmas when they're practically giving shit away.
Starting point is 00:12:04 But there is one group of people who should be complaining. What about the workers at these stores? Yeah, when exactly do they get to celebrate Thanksgiving with their families? Workers are upset. Forced to work. They keep saying that they care about their associates.
Starting point is 00:12:19 That's not the case. The daughter of a Kmart employee asking Kmart to change his Thanksgiving hours so her mom can spend the day at home with her family. I think we should all have the ability to say, I don't want to work Thanksgiving. Well, personally, I'd much rather spend Thanksgiving at Kmart. Helping a fat guy shove his way into a pair of crocs beats listening to my nephew, explaining again how he's allergic to beats no you're not matthew you just don't like them nobody does but you're gonna eat them but if this lady wants to spend thanksgiving with her family who can blame her turns out everybody they should be happy that they have a job to work at once wrong
Starting point is 00:13:06 with a little capitalism everybody wants to open up on thanksgiving let them open up on Richard writes to us. He says, you've got to be kidding me, lady. Just go to work. You can celebrate by eating a turkey sandwich while on break. Sure. Thanksgiving is just as good eating a cold sandwich alone in the back of a Kmart. You don't even need cranberry sauce.
Starting point is 00:13:31 You can season it with your tears. But this year, it's not just employees getting screwed into working on Thanksgiving. It's the stores, too. Stores at the Walden Gallery have a tough choice this year. Open on Thanksgiving or possibly pay a lot of money in fines and penalties.
Starting point is 00:13:51 You're taxing stores for observing Thanksgiving? That's the most anti-American thing I've ever heard. It's like Sharia law for capitalism. Why don't you just kick George Washington in the nuts? But if no one cares
Starting point is 00:14:08 when stores force employees, to work on Thanksgiving, who's gonna shed a tear when malls force stores to stay open? A mall in upstate New York is strong arming its retailers into opening on Thanksgiving. So much for the holiday spirit. So, let me get this straight. You can't make a store open on Thanksgiving.
Starting point is 00:14:28 It's just a poor, helpless corporation. But people punch in and shut the fuck up. You can see your family in January. January. John? Thank you, Lewis. Of course, the day after Thanksgiving marks the start of a different holiday season.
Starting point is 00:14:51 And a lot of people have expressed concern that there's a war right now on Christmas. Well, hopefully what happened across the country on Friday dispelled those fears. Yes, the spirit, don't, I'll go back to the M&M, I don't have a problem with that. Yes, the spirit of Christmas is alive and well, with many loving the baby Jesus enough to kick another man's nads in for an iPod. It's actually all quite reminiscent of the original nativity scenes. You remember.
Starting point is 00:15:37 And we said, can't we just say the MERS from all of us? All right. Yes, all over the United States, shopper spent Black Friday sending a message to the world. America is very interested in buying things, which I imagine the rest of the world views as we might view some of their quaintor traditions. Those Ramadan specials are insane. With holiday shopping season, with holiday shopping season accounting for a majority of yearly sales, one manager at the Gap saw the violence as a hopeful sign.
Starting point is 00:16:23 As you can see, the lines are long. They've been long all morning since we open the gates at 8 o'clock. We might even open a cash register. Although it's pretty funny, seeing everybody just waiting there. This year's big hits among the kiddie set, number one, the new Xbox 360. Number two, the Door of the Explorer talking kitchen, and as always at number three, a new stepdad.
Starting point is 00:16:45 Oh. Keep dreaming, kids. Because real daddy liked the tricky, tricky. For more... No? What? Just my house? What?
Starting point is 00:17:00 For more on the start of this holiday shopping season, I'm joined by Consumer Reporter. Rob, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you, John. You, uh, if I'm not mistaken, right now, you are live at a Walmart in, um, where exactly? Well, John, technically I entered the store in Tennessee, uh, but I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere in North Carolina right now. Anyway, having spent the last four days here, I can tell you I've seen unprecedented scenes of violence,
Starting point is 00:17:36 mayhem, and raw human greed that bode very well for America's economy. Particularly, John, after a 2004 sale season, even an optimist would have to describe as, free of bloodshed. Do you see these tramplings and fights as a good thing? John, I saw a 72-year-old woman reach into the chest cavity of a wheelchair-bound diabetic to prevent
Starting point is 00:18:00 I meant that woman from gaining access to what appeared to be a two-for-one deal on synthetic pants. Yeah, I'm bullish, John. And by bullish, I mean using sharp horns in a bucking motion to clear other shoppers from my pack. Rob, from what I'm hearing, this new Xbox 360, that's the big ticket item this year. Do you have any indicators that that's the case? Yeah, sure do, John. Let me show you. As you can see, the Xbox clearly well ahead of last year's chicken dance Elmo. Incidentally, John, both items are welcome relief from what my nephews wanted two years ago
Starting point is 00:18:41 Hasbro's large, spiky object. That was a terrible Christmas. Fascinating, Rob. But what about today? which is the so-called Cyber Monday, supposedly the biggest day of the year for internet shopping. Has that changed the dynamic of holiday sales? Yes and no, John.
Starting point is 00:19:09 Online shoppers may like convenience, but they're just as eager as anyone to snatch up the bargains. And this hidden camera footage from one office shows they're not afraid to use work time to get them. Here again, the leading indicators are all positive. Interesting fact toy, John, last year the majority of all electronics purchased for the holidays were bought online.
Starting point is 00:19:28 But 85% of kitchenware was bought in the store. Clearly a reflection of generational shopping differences. Rob, I have to interrupt here. Was that... was that you? Yes, it was, John. And to answer your next question, no, I'm not telling you what I got you. You'll just have to wake. Oh, yes.
Starting point is 00:20:01 You'll have to wait. All right, thank you. Rob Cordray, our consumer reporter, Rob Cordry. Anyway, we're back from Thanksgiving. I hope your holiday was as nice as mine. I did a little something different this year. I'm trying to change things up, trying to go a little, a couple of different directions.
Starting point is 00:20:16 This year, I ate and served only cranberry sauce. Only! I said, if it does not come from a bog, I do not want it in my house. Cranberry sauce with all of my friends, the bog people. But Thanksgiving, of course, over. It is on to the holiday shopping. We had what they call Black Friday, biggest shopping day of the year.
Starting point is 00:20:40 I thought went very well. Today, the first day after Thanksgiving weekend, is now known as Cyber Monday, which is unusual. It's the biggest online shopping day of the year. It's a tradition stretching back to, I guess, last November. Anyway, Cyber Monday, of course, followed by, identity theft Tuesday. But the important thing is this.
Starting point is 00:21:03 Enjoy being you while you still can, because tomorrow someone else will clearly be you. But let us get right to the news on Friday in Iraq. At least 65 people died as a result of violence between Sunnis and Shias, including some by immolation.
Starting point is 00:21:19 And not the self-kind. The kind where someone helps. So while, as I noted in America, Black Friday connotes shopping till you drop. In Iraq, it was really all about the dropment. As you know, Thanksgiving is a time, a blessed time of year.
Starting point is 00:21:39 We all give thanks for our families and our health and prepare to beat the shit out of people to go shopping. Jessica Williams has more. Black Friday is just around the corner, and it seems like a lot of. Everyone on television has tips for shoppers. Deals are in the back. Prioritized by price.
Starting point is 00:22:04 Don't buy toys. Don't turn right. And most importantly, don't be black. Two black shoppers in just one week are accusing the department store of wrongful detainment. He was racially profiled in Macy's Herald Square. She used her tax rebate money to buy this bag at Barney's and was then stopped by the cops. It is hard to take advantage of all the Black Friday steals when you're being accused of stealing. When I left the store, three blocks away from the store,
Starting point is 00:22:32 four undercover cops told me that they would like to see what I purchased. And what did your white friend say? My white friend. Everybody knows you're supposed to bring your white friend with you when you go shopping at a place like that. I should have next time I know to bring my white friend. Oh, so the problem isn't racial profiling in stores. It's that black people have forgotten how to shop.
Starting point is 00:22:55 When they finally came up to me, I thought they were going to help me And they didn't, they actually asked me to leave. Just because you look like a gap model doesn't mean you won't get profiled. I went into a store and asked the sales girl if I could see some jeans. And she said, they're so expensive. I felt like I was a pretty womaned.
Starting point is 00:23:12 You thought because you're very well put together and you could just go in and shop anywhere you want without getting racially profiled. You do know you're black, right? I know. Oh, watch out, cops. Cops. Clearly, it's time to give Black Americans my own Black Friday shopping tips.
Starting point is 00:23:32 Let's start simple. When entering a store, alert everyone to your presence. Hey, everybody, my name is Jessica Williams, and I intend to buy a pack of gum. Reaching in in my pocket right now to pull out money, not a gun. Permission to approach. But upscale stores are the trickiest. To be sure that you don't get arrested, try to make a gun. friends with security.
Starting point is 00:23:56 I bake some cookies. Can I go shop now? Oh, no. No. Or if that doesn't work, ask a white person to shop for you. Do you think that you can buy me that watch on the display? You can totally use my credit card. All you have to do is sign my name and then just bring me that.
Starting point is 00:24:09 I really don't feel comfortable doing that. Excuse me? Excuse me? You look white. Can I ask you a favor? I don't know what? What? Do you think that if I give you $140 you can buy me those sunglasses in the window right there?
Starting point is 00:24:22 Yeah, sure. Oh, thank you. Hey! Finally, for a more tangible shopping experience, hire a middle-aged white lady as your personal shopper and equip her with a hidden camera inside a neck brace. Now she's ready to go. All right, we're in.
Starting point is 00:24:40 Go left. No, your other left. Okay, hat. Let's round some hats. Oh my god, would you look at this? But that's your back, I'm not feeling it. Where are you, handbags? Let's move on, Peggy. Oh, look!
Starting point is 00:24:53 Look, you found my cat. Oh, Jess, this is just perfect. That's not really my style, because my style's not ugly. Good call, boots. I am digging those knee-highs. These would look good in the club. Did you just say the club? Maybe a little makeup.
Starting point is 00:25:11 My friend has more of a darker complexion. Like a deep tan. I'm black, Peggy. You can say black. So that was a bust, but thankfully, when all else fails, there is one other way to avoid getting racially profiled. Cover your skin. Oh, got it. We're back from Thanksgiving break, but we all know what the real holiday was.
Starting point is 00:25:48 Millions of Americans are rushing to stores this morning for Black Friday deals, and for some of, The battle for bargains started Thanksgiving afternoon. Police were called to break up this fight between two shoppers at a mall in Louisville, Kentucky. That's my hello kitty toaster! No! I've done it again! Oh, Black Friday. Or as we call it back in Africa, Friday.
Starting point is 00:26:23 Checking on the stock market with our finance expert, Michael Costa, everybody. Michael, good to see you, man. What on earth is happening in the market today, man? I'm crushing it, Trevor. I am crushing it, and I got a hot tip for you. I got a hot tip for you, so pay attention, okay? Now, today the Dow was down big, all right? But I don't care, all right?
Starting point is 00:26:52 because today is Cyber Monday, right? Not to be confused with Black Friday or Small Business Saturday or Giving Tuesday. It's not thirsty Thursdays or Taco Tuesdays or Sunday, Bloody Sunday. It's Cyber Monday, the day George Washington declared 30% off of all plasma screen TV. All right, so the way I'm crushing it today, Trevor,
Starting point is 00:27:19 is by spending, all right? Experts like me know you gotta spend money to make money, which is why today I am making boatloads of money, all right? Now, let me show you what I'm buying, okay? First thing in my cart, a Stocks for Dummies book, okay? Look, I don't know shit about stocks, all right? Yeah, I crush it, and I make tons of money, but I don't understand any of it.
Starting point is 00:27:42 So as soon as I learn to read, this book is going to be super helpful. Now, speaking of helpful, the next thing in my cart, seven breast pumps. Now look, little known fact. They can pump anything, okay? You got a flooded basement? You need to put air in your bicycle tires? Muscle definition, okay?
Starting point is 00:28:05 How do you think I got these fat baby twins, all right? By borrowing my sister's breast pump, all right? And now I'm gonna have seven in my own. Next item in my cart? A picture frame. Look, I don't need a picture frame, but this is a family that I want to be a part of. Look at that.
Starting point is 00:28:23 Innocent, pure, together. I bet this family doesn't think my mashed potatoes are too salty. You ever think about that? My family? Ugly, okay? Next one. I always wanted to get a guitar, so I put a guitar in my car. And I was gonna get a real guitar,
Starting point is 00:28:39 but I got this Fisher Price one, cheap, no strings attached. Also, no strings attached. So, very easy to learn to play. Now, somber note, on my next item in my cart. It's an adult casket. Okay? Now look, I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, but I ate a bag, bad egg sandwich on a West Jet flight coming back from my ugly family's Thanksgiving, and I was contemplating my own death. And during that time, I thought,
Starting point is 00:29:05 holy shit, I haven't planned for my funeral. So I got a good deal. Also, caskets, great place for storage while you're still alive. Paper towels. Kids toys. New Yorkers, you get Smaller caskets. Plus, bonus, when my wife says, go sleep on the couch, I say, okay, no problem. But secretly, I sleep in the casket. Jokes on her. And with the extra storage space,
Starting point is 00:29:34 I got plenty of room for my last item, seven more breast pumps, just in case my first seven break. That's why I'm the expert. All right, I promised you a hot tip. Remember? All right, hot tip. Stop watching this right now and start online shopping. You can't buy any of this any other day.
Starting point is 00:29:49 Back to you, Trevor. Let's go. to you, Trevor. Let's go. Michael Costor, everybody. At Desjardin, we speak business. We speak startup funding and comprehensive game plans. We've mastered made-to-measure growth and expansion advice, and we can talk your ear-off about transferring your business when the time comes. Because at Desjardin business, we speak the same language you do.
Starting point is 00:30:11 Business. So join the more than 400,000 Canadian entrepreneurs who already count on us, and contact Desjardin today. We'd love to talk. Next Thursday, obviously, is a time to gather with family to commemorate the feast that Native Americans prepared for a struggling pilgrim settlement. A day that we refer to as Thanksgiving, and the Native Americans refer to as an enormous mistake. But eat quickly, for you'll need your strength. Almost all the big stores are opening earlier than ever on the holiday.
Starting point is 00:30:53 Kmart will be among the first to open at 6 a.m. Walmart, Target, Toys R Us, J.C. Penny, Best Buy, Big Lots, Coles, Sears, Old Navy. They're all going to be open on Thanksgiving. Every store in the vinegar world, open. Dildo Depot, open. Tooth, import, open. Just gerbils. Open. So if you're a bear workshop, open. So if you're thinking, well, I guess I have to shop all day, but surely once the store is closed, I can go home and get a solid 15 minutes of Thanksgiving and, yeah, think again.
Starting point is 00:31:40 Kmart's opening for 41 hours straight from 6 a.m. Thanksgiving morning until 11 p.m. on Black Friday. Do you have any idea what this means? If someone tramples you for a Furby Thursday morning, they don't find your body till Friday night. All right, so maybe Thanksgiving's become a pregame for Black Friday, but at least they cannot take away a turkey. Butterball, which produces about 20% of all U.S. turkeys,
Starting point is 00:32:07 says there will be a shortage of fresh turkeys that are 16 pounds or larger. Are you kidding me? If my turkey's not at least 16 pounds, then why am I having... I might as well eat a hummingbird. Stuffed with a single crouton. Maybe a soussaint of crazen. Why are you doing this to us, turkeys? Butterball says this year their turkeys had a decline in weight gain,
Starting point is 00:32:37 which is limiting supplies of fresh turkeys. They're not saying why the birds are actually smaller this year. Hello. Perhaps we should go right to the source to find out what's going on with the turkeys. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the show. Turkey number 37-740, inspected by number five. Welcome to the show. Hey, hey, everybody.
Starting point is 00:33:00 Hey, how you doing? How you doing? How you doing, John? Nice to see you. Thank you very much, John. How are you doing? Nice to see it. What's going on?
Starting point is 00:33:08 So, Turkey, let me, let me, let me ask you a question. Why, what is going on? What is the weight loss? Is it, uh, a political protest? Uh, is it, is it bird flu? Like, why, why does it got to be something negative? Let's do it. You know, you try and get healthy.
Starting point is 00:33:27 You start living your best self. Everybody applauds. Turkeys do it. Suddenly, uh, we're a bad guy. Fuck you. Fuck you all. Tickets. Oh, so I didn't realize that you were just trying to slim down.
Starting point is 00:33:40 You're trying to look better. Yeah, yeah, you know, cut down on the sweets, the antibiotics. know i guess it doesn't help that i don't know i'm stacked in a cage with a thousand other turkeys and we live in our own i don't know by the way if i may ask you a question where where are you right now why do you think i am you piece of i'm at my lawyer's office what for what do you need a lawyer for why the f*** look at me does this look normal to you look at me look at me look at me I don't have a f***in' head. I'm going to sue all you pricks, all of yous.
Starting point is 00:34:18 So cold. Where am I feathers? Where am I feathers? Do I still have my beautiful feathers? Uh, you, you do not. They're, they're gone. Suing you pricks is too good for you. Wait on a second.
Starting point is 00:34:34 Where are you going, sir? Where are you going? Get back here. Where are you going? What's going on? What's, what's going on? What, come here, you motherfuck! I'll calm you, you prick.
Starting point is 00:34:46 I'll show you what it's like to be carved. You, where are you? Point me in the right direction. I will cut you like a bitch. Come on. Son of a bitch. Where are you? Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe
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