The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | Daily Showographies - Mark Zuckerberg, Stephen Miller, Joe Rogan and More

Episode Date: October 12, 2026

Get to know the weird guys in the news with this collection of Daily Showograpies. Dive deep into the inner workings of Mark Zuckerberg, Stephen Miller, Tucker Carlson, Joe Rogan, Marco Rubio and Vivek Ramaswamy. -- The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Stream full episodes on Paramount+ Follow TDS: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Comedy Central. Thanks for Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg. He had to lay off thousands of employees while everyone was making fun of his super yacht. But what keeps him going through these hardships? Let's find out in a brand new daily showography. From the moment we're born, we're all trying to define ourselves. Who our friends are, what we believe in,

which side is our good side? But what if you have no beliefs, no friends, and no good side? This is the Daily Showography of Mark Zuckerberg, human status update. Even before he was out of beta, Mark Zuckerberg had amassed numerous adorable photos that would make his profile seem less like a sociopaths. By the age of 12, he displayed a gift for computer programming, the skill that took him to Harvard University, that revered bastion of high-achieving lonely boys, and he could not have been happier.

Yay. What? I got accepted. Are you serious? Yeah. It was at Harvard in 2004 that Mark would create the Facebook. This was in your dorm room? Yeah.

You launched Facebook in your dorm room. Yeah. The website was an instant smash. For reasons, even Mark, sometimes didn't seem to understand. There's this feature called poking where you just go to someone's profile and you could poke the person. Like, what does that do? Nothing. I mean, it's like, I thought about it when I was drunk.

While his D.N.'s calling his fellow students dumb f***s for trusting him with their data wouldn't come out until years later, Facebook's rise wasn't without controversy, a drama immortalized in the social network. And rather than recap this period, let's just watch it real quick. Wow, those Army Hammers are going to be working forever. Like all Hollywood stories, some details were exaggerated. Mark wasn't as cool as the movie made him seem. Did I adequately answer your condescending question? But he also wasn't as lame either. That stupid movie, the whole narrative arc around my motivations.

I'm like somehow motivated by trying to find a girlfriend. It's like I was dating Priscilla before I started Facebook. Yes, the media spotlight forced Zuckerberg to bravely confess the truth that he totally boned in college. But after the movie, Zuckerberg realized that he needed a more adult update to his public profile. Something manly. The 27-year-old founder of Facebook now says he is only going to eat meat from animals. that he personally kills.

Revealed, of course, in a posting on Facebook that said, I just killed a pig and a goat. Zuckerberg was upgrading everything. He learned Chinese. He tried his hand at comedy. Come on, I invented poking. He got new friends and a new wardrobe. My name is Barack Obama, and I'm the guy who got marked to wear a jacket and tie.

And he updated his relationship status. status marrying the girl he was totally hooking up with in college no matter what that stupid movie said you're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd that won't be true it'll be because you're an asshole who's the asshole now girl that doesn't exist but Zuckerberg's biggest update was changing from a guy who builds companies to a guy who buys them because you can't put a price on success until you can't no longer the college kid who just wanted to take personal data from dumb f***es Zuckerberg assured the public that the new mature Facebook would be a force for good in the world.

I hear fearful voices calling for building walls and distancing people they label as others. For blocking free expression, for slowing immigration, it takes courage to choose hope over fear. This mark would be a man of conscience, not afraid to exile Donald Trump for spreading lies. Reborn as a liberal hero, his new friend group would be everyone on earth. No one would ever be mad at him ever again. This is CNN breaking news. International outrage about a data analytics firm that harvested information from Facebook. And that's over.

Time for a new update. Our new mission is to bring the world closer together. Instead of everybody's pal, he would now be their science fiction overlord. For Zuckerberg had become so powerful, the bounds of the physical world could no longer contain him. I am proud to announce that starting today, our company is, now Meta. From now on, we're going to be Metaverse first, not Facebook First. There was no doubt in Zuckerberg's mind that the Metaverse would have legs. Legs. Legs. Truly, the future had arrived. Three years later. Meta is announcing the shutdown of Metaverse after pouring $80 billion into the project.

And that's over. Time for a new update. We have been working on glasses for more than 10 years. years at meta. This is meta rayban display. So I think our call will be coming in any moment now. Boss, let's have video call. There we go. Again, I keep on messing this out. You don't have to tell us anything. These AI glasses sell themselves. And once again, Zuckerberg's corporate update came with the physical one. When you walked in here today, you look thicker. You look like a different guy. You do. You look like a jiu-jitsu guy now. I saw your neck. I'm like his neck's bigger. Your heck is bigger. I would drink a very large amount of protein. I mean, preotene. Yeah, a gold chain, crushing brie dogs while wake surfing and jamming with his good and probably well

compensated friend, T-Pain. Oh, skeed-skie-skey motherfucker. Oh, skeef-skie goddamn. It's not technically a midlife crisis if you're gonna live forever in the cloud. And naturally this status update came with a political reawakening too. Masculine energy, I think is good. Having a culture that like celebrates the aggression, a bit more has its own merits. That's right. Welcome back. Donald Trump. I think President Trump just wants America to win. Seeing Donald Trump get up after going shot in the face and pump his fist in the air is one of the most badass things I've ever seen in my life.

But an innovator like Mark Zuckerberg will never truly settle down. And we can only look forward to more delicious status updates to come. If I'm ever done with meta, I'm going to run Mark's meats. Imagine some smoked meats. Yeah, if there's one thing about Mark that never changes, it's believing that no matter what dumb idea he has next, people will swallow it. Eat up, dumb fuchs.

Democracy and attend my chilling tale. The legend of a pale wraith who haunts the soul of an entire nation. A vampiric fiend with an insatiable urge to suck. America is for Americans, and America. This is the twisted chronicle of Stephen Miller. What he does in the shadows. By now you surely know of the plague wrought by the bald monstrosity. Mass deportations.

Chaos and confusion. People detained and family separated. A toddler and U.S. citizen deported. Kids in cages. A Muslim bans. This is how democracy dies. But what of the beans' hideous origin? I first became aware of the wretched creature through tales told of him in the American West

in a cursed land called Santa Monica, a festering evil village, with not even that great of a ferris wheel. Even as a child, Stephen Miller struck fear into the hearts of the innocent, as his third grade teacher would later recall. He was a strange dude. I remember he would take a bottle of glue. and then he would pour the glue on his arm, let it dry, peel it off, and then eat it. Yes, while some creatures thirst for blood, this one had the taste for paste. But Miller's cravings could not be sated by glue. Welcome to the Rush Limbaugh program. He began studying the dark teachings of his era's most demonic figures,

and was soon penning mad screeds to the local newspaper about the horrors at his liberal high school. We do nothing for American holidays. but everything for Mexican holidays. Condoms are available to students' grades 9 through 12. We have a club on campus that will gladly help foster their homosexuality. Refused to say the Pledge of Allegiance in Classrooms. We invite a Muslim leader to the school

to explain the splendor of Islam. Osama bin Laden would feel very welcome at Samoan at the High School. Come on, buddy. Save something for your manifesto. The still-gestating monster was determined to wreak havoc any way he could. Ha! Ha! Ha! Whether it was jumping out of the stands into a girls' track meat to Prooby was faster than them or running for student government on a platform of being a total

dick. By stepping out of the sunlight to run for office, Miller learned he was perhaps more suited to lurking in the shadows. Breaking the shackles of Santa Monica, Miller sojourned for a time at Duke University, once again, beasting on every conceivable controversy. Shows like Will and Grace and Sex and the Sea promote alternative lifestyles and a erode traditional values. The word Christmas is slowly being exiled from society.

I for one, am offended and I'm Jewish. Smoking is not nearly as dangerous as special interest groups have made it out to be. The real risks are the fascistic tendencies that prohibits smoke. Prisoners are afforded so many luxuries. Continue to worship at the altar of multiculturalism, so-called affirmative action.

Sorry, feminists. I would say he probably wasn't much fun at parties, but I'm pretty sure he never got invited to any. Miller's facility with arcane maledictions soon caught the eye of Ameriard's America's greatest master of the dark arts. Joining us now from Raleigh, Stephen Miller, columnist for the Duke Chronicle, a student newspaper.

And so the Tiki Torch was passed to a new generation. With the notoriety he had achieved, Gross Ferratu insinuated himself into the entourage of some of the most repellent figures in America's Hellmouth. During these years, he said nearly a thousand emails planting stories in right-wing media. They didn't all cite well-known white national But it was more than you would like.

And then, in June 2015, he found a master truly worthy of his devotions. I was watching the announcement, like everybody else, live on television, and as soon as I saw it, I said, I have to join this campaign. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. Miller became the Bronze Lord's most trusted minion. Our republic is being destroyed now before our very often. He conjured dark utterances for the new president's speeches. This American carnage stops right now. And then him a constant stream of diabolical talking points.

I would never, ever in a million years, allow my daughter to compete against a biological man. Never, unless it was a joke to make fun of how girls are lame, obviously. Miller's ability to hold followers in his thrall became the stuff of legend. We're getting a lot of texts from women. Our audience at prime time believes you're some sort of sexual matador. Indeed, this 39-year-old man doesn't look a day over 53. It seemed he could convince weak minds of anything. Whether it was that his master didn't wear terrible ill-fitting clothes.

Donald Trump's a style icon! Or that he didn't actually lose the 2020 election. We have more than enough time to write the wrong of this fraudulent election result. Okay. Miller's brief attempt at pretending not to be bald was taking it too far, but anything else. So now the creature stands astride his defiled kingdom. We don't know how this battle ends, but we know that we will be riding in this battle and this struggle to save democracy with a real man.

And we must ask ourselves, is it truly he that is the monster or is it us? But no, seriously, he's the monster. It's like not even debatable. Let's talk about Tucker Carlson. No, no, no, no, don't tune out, don't tune out. Let's talk about Tucker Carlson, Fox News host and America's dickish stepbrother. Yesterday, Fox announced that Carlson

will be an even bigger presence at the network with a podcast and a series of specials. But the question is, how did Tucker Carlson become the legend that he is today? Well, to find out, here's the first installment of our brand new segment, The Daily Showography. What makes a legendary journalist? Gravitas, honesty, eyes so piercing they can give you a nose ring? No, it's adaptability. And no one's better at that than Tucker Carlson. Man of a thousand faces, but also somehow only one face. Tucker Swanson McNere Carlson. His father was a journalist and U.S. ambassador to the Seychelles, a popular vacation. spot for people's money. His stepmom was an heiress to Swanson frozen foods, a heritage he still

pays tribute to with his trademark frozen facial expressions. He has a brother, Buckley, Swanson, Peck, Carlson. You don't really need to know anything about him, but how about those names, huh? Others might have tried to downplay their wealth, but downplaying was never Tucker's style. Well, I'm like extraordinarily loaded just from like money I, you know, inherited. I've never needed to work. He didn't need to work. We could be living in a world where Tucker, Bronson, McChad Carlson isn't on TV every night. But luckily for America, that didn't happen. After college, Tucker took his talents to journalism, rising to prominence as the liberals' favorite conservative. Everyone liked him. He seemed normal and unwhite supremacisty. Tucker, Swan Lake,

McNorstrom Carlson took that palatable conservatism to CNN and PBS. eventually becoming the perpetually bow-tied co-host of CNN's Crossfire. There he helped steer cable news away from meaningful discourse and more towards people shouting talking points at each other, like a housewife's reunion. It was going great until one day when a Comedy Central extremist infiltrated the set and wrecked havoc. You're partisan, what do you call it, hacks.

Now, this is theater. I mean, it's obvious. How old are you? 35. And you wear a bow tie. Yeah, I do. After surviving that ugly attack, Tucker made the difficult decision to move on. Desperate times called for desperate Tucker's. So the butterfly emerged from yet another cocoon and flew to MSNBC where he was both respected and likable.

Someone you could definitely trust, like Matt Lauer. You know who was pals with him back then? Rachel Maddow. It's weird to see now, like Emperor Palpatine going to brunch with Baby Yoda. Carlson's low-rated MSNBC gig didn't last long. but his personal brand only grew stronger. He was not going to rest until the world knew all 36 of his names. Having flunked out of TV twice, Tucker Seamus McDuck Carlson began rebuilding his journalism career

by working with one of radio's most respected broadcasters, Bubba the Love Sponge, where he was able to channel his inner shock jock. I love women, but they're extremely primitive. If you're talking to a feminist and she's giving you, well, you know, men really need to be more sensitive and just, you know, actually, you just need to be quiet and kind of do what you're told. I'm not defending underage marriage at all. I just don't think it's the same thing exactly as pulling a child from a bus stop and sexually assaulting that child.

The rapist in this case has made a lifelong commitment to live and take care of the person. So it is a little different. A rock is a crappy place filled with a bunch of, you know, semi-literate for me, monkeys, Canada. I called them our retarded cousins. She just does seem a little kibanky. I mean, you said it. I'm just agreeing with it. One thing couldn't be denied. Tucker Carlson said all that, out loud, on purpose, knowing other people would hear him. Plenty of people would be proud to coast on calling women the C word, but not Tucker.

In 2010, he remade himself yet again as the public intellectual behind the new website, The Daily Caller. Soon he was ready for his most important role yet. Fox News superhero. Tucker Vanderpump McRib Carlson was home. And this time, he became something completely new, a man of the people. Democrats have become the party of the elite professional class, eager to lecture you about open borders, global warming, from their gated communities.

The most privileged people in our society shouting down at Trump's voters. Damn, you working class Americans, you must be quiet. Tucker, you went to the elite schools of this country. I did. I did. And that's why I know it's a scam. It was the performance of a lifetime, an aristocrat who spent his entire adult life working in media, acting as if he had just crawled out of the coal mines and sat in front of a TV camera. And Carlson wasn't afraid to use his new clout to uplift the most needy among us.

People who hate immigrants. Our leaders worship multiculturalism because all cultures are equal, except that they're not all equal. Our civilization is superior, and we need to defend it. Latin American countries are forcing demographic change on this country to rate that American voters consistently say, they don't want. We have a moral obligation to admit the world's poor, they tell us, even if it makes our own country poorer and dirtier and more divided. Isn't it crowding your country the fastest way to despoil it, to pollute it? Tucker's swamp thing Mcruff Carlson was like a beautiful, reverse statue of liberty, telling everyone to get their tired huddle masses out of here.

But any Fox News host could hate immigrants. In fact, most of them did. So Tucker up to the ante. is diversity or strength. Do you get along better with your neighbors or your coworkers if you can't understand each other or share no common values? White supremacy, that's the problem. This is a hoax. This may be a lot of things this moment we're living through,

but it is definitely not about Black lives. And remember that when they come for you, and at this rate, they will. We have every right to fight to preserve our nation and our heritage and our culture. In the skull of the African here, the area associated with submissiveness, Commissiveness is larger than any human or any other subhuman species on planet Earth.

Tucker was on fire like a cross on a black family's lawn. But as 2021 began, he was once again restless for a change. So Carlson put on yet another hat, this time made of tinfoil. Democrats rigged the election in front of all of us, and nobody did anything about it. And what about this vaccine? Why are Americans being discouraged from asking simple, straightforward, questions about it. Questions like, how effective are these drugs? Are they safe? And by the way, how much of the drug companies making off this stuff? The Biden's affection is totally real. It's in

no way part of a slick PR campaign devised by cynical consultants determined to hide the president's senility by misdirection. Not at all. Their love is as real as climate change. A little nuts? Well, maybe. But unlike the moon landing or a 44-year marriage, you can't fake ratings like this. And while yes, at least one person did sue for defamation, a judge dismissed the case on the grounds that any reasonable viewer knows that even things Tucker says are facts are not actual facts. So whatever the future holds for him, one thing we know is that Tucker, Severus McFly, Carlson will do it with a smile. Or whatever's going on there. This could be your ad, reaching a brand new audience on Spotify.

Launch your first campaign in minutes today with Spotify. Spotify Ads manager. The Jeffrey Epstein scandal continues to divide the MAGA base, and now one of their most influential influencers is weighing in. Frustration about the Epstein case may be causing one of Donald Trump's most influential supporters to turn on him. Joe Rogan, perhaps the biggest name in the podcast world, spoke about Epstein more than 40 times on his most recent episode.

When you have this one hardcore line in the sand that everybody had been talking about forever, and then they're trying to gaslight you on that. Like, do you think we're babies? I haven't seen Joe this up since since he found out that there was no protein in marijuana. So this is a big deal because Joe Rogan is, well, Joe Rogan. But who was he before he became Joe Rogan? Let's find out in a brand new daily showography. For millennia, the great philosophers have sought to answer life's most profound questions.

And today, a new thinker has emerged to grapple with the mystery of our universe. What's freakier? Being in the bottom of the ocean or being up in space? Everything has a consciousness. Literally everything, even tables. Why do black people like menthol so much?

What's that about? He is the world's greatest thinker. If you're drinking water, you're drinking dinosaur piss. Wisdom's greatest champion. We found a frog on the moon. The world would stop, right? On a quest to gaze upon the very face of God and say,

But who was he before he reached this summit? And how did he get there? This is the Daily Showography of Joe Rogan, the path to Rogan Lighten. Joseph James Rogan was born in 1967, a formative experience for him. We're all just babies. We're all just babies that have just been alive for a long time. He was raised in the cultural hot house of Newark, New Jersey.

So like the great Renaissance thinkers, he grew up surrounded by Italians. At an early age, he looked for meaning in the fine arts. I used to draw. I was really good, man. With work that asked important questions, like, wouldn't it be crazy if a wolf wore a fedora? He could have been the next Michelangelo, but his interests pulled him elsewhere. Inspired by the Greco-Romans and warrior monks of ancient China, Rogan also pursued the martial arts. From the time I was 15 until I was 22, all I did was fight.

Locating the delicate beauty at the heart of the form. My game is smush. As my game, smush you. Smush on, smush off, Joseph said. But even as he vanquished all lesser champions, Rogan became aware that there was a hidden downside to getting repeatedly smashed in the head. My brain would just be throbbing, just boom, boom, boom.

And I remember thinking, like, am I ruining my brain? That's when Rogan realized he was damaging his brain. And even worse, that's when Rogan realized that he was damaging his brain. With his fighting career over, Rogan enrolled in the most prestigious college in the greater Boston area. Sadly, academia also made his brain hurt, so he dropped out to pursue his inquiries through yet another art form. The Artes del Comedilla. As a stand-up comic, he displayed a versatility. and intellect that soon led him from stage to screen.

His breakout role on the critically acclaimed sitcom news radio saw him test the very limits of his acting range, playing a man named Joe Who Hits Things. There's Joe, he hits things. But Rogan saw that the television medium could be used not merely for light entertainment, but for inquiries into the very nature of man. The man's show explored questions

ranging from the nature of reality. Now, here's my thoughts about fake breasts. If I can touch them, they're real. To the existence of the divine. I look at an ass like Chris's, and I think, there's gotta be a god. From there, he went on to study what factor fear plays on the human soul.

I'm Joe Rogan, and this is Fear Factor. Fear Factor pushed Rogan to his limits, while Rogan pushed NBC's lawyers to theirs. Today, we're gonna offer the Fear Factor Juice Stand. 24 ounces of donkey, semen and urine. Oh my God. Suddenly, Socrates drinking hemlock doesn't seem so bad. But as the sages have foretold, time is a flat circle, and all the wisdom and cockroaches

Rogan was absorbing would soon lead him back to where it all began. I'm back here right now, backstage. I'll be interviewing the fighters as they come out of the octagon. With people getting smashed in the head. As a commentator for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, Rogan was a master orator who knew exactly what he was doing. I mean, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I just would see what was happening and start talking about it.

And talk he did. Because the most fundamental truth about the modern world was finally within his grasp. That a man may speak forever without knowing things as long as he has a podcast. It really is different, you know, than television. This is way better. We need to figure out how you make money from this.

Yeah. And so he did. We are live, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much for tuning into the podcast. We are sponsored by the fleshlights. This is the butthole version of the fleshlight. He knew that like a butthole fleshlight, the only way out is through.

Having reached his evolved form, Rogan began his true life's project of absorbing the collected wisdom of the world's greatest wise men and every now and then a woman. Thanks for the invite. By the middle of the 21st century's second decade, this very, very high priest had achieved a level of enlightenment that transcended reality altogether.

The Tower 7, why does that collapse like that? January 6th, the intelligence agencies were involved. Raw milk. It's normal and healthy. Eyewitness accounts of Hitler in South America. Actual microchips being injected into arms. At last, like the giants of philosophy. Religion, an ultimate fighting who had come before him.

Joe Rogan could look down at the world from the astral plane to which he had ascended and declare. In a foreign country or slapping tariffs on imported salami, the person who has to translate that into policy is his Secretary of State Marco Rubio. But how did Rubio get such an exciting job? Let's find out in a brand new daily showography. Egypt's foreign minister, Bader Abdelahadi, arrived at the State Department for talks yesterday with Secretary Rubio. Mr. Sick. Yep, that's me.

But you're wondering how a fun-sized Florida boy went from this. A con artist is about take-to-take-over the Republican Party and the conservative movement, and we have to put a stop to it. To this. Mr. President, I think Miami-Dade County likes you a lot. I think they love you a lot. I wasn't always hanging out with all the cool kids at Donald Trump's lunch table. But sometimes when you're in the right place, at the right. time with the right complete lack of moral spine or integrity, magic can happen.

This is the daily showography of me, Marco Rubio, pick me in pink. I wasn't always the it girl of D.C. I'm actually from Miami, near Little Havana, or as I like to call it, just normal-sized Havana. Graduating high school with a 2.1 GPA, I had the body of a Chippendales dancer and the brain of a Chippendales dancer. Fortunately, I got into a really good college that no one has ever heard of on a football scholarship. Some people say I'm kind of a job. Well, they don't say it, but they're thinking it. After that college went bankrupt, I kind of bounced around for a while. Two more schools, some epic partying, a bullshit arrest for underage drinking. I still dreamed of joining the NFL,

but settled for marrying an NFL cheerleader. Being a cheerleader's husband prepared me for a lifetime of holding down jobs I'm not qualified for. After that, came law school and local politics. When the Cuban American community heard how my parents have pled Castro, they embraced me wholeheartedly. I will always be the son of exodus. And when they heard I was lying about that, it was too late. I wish I would have known the date. I would have gotten it right. I would have said they came before Castro. If you want a representative who can remember dates from history, you're going to have to find someone with a better than C average. I got a seat. That's on you. Soon, I became the first Cuban American speaker of the Florida House of Representatives, or,

my future boss would say, the first Mexican. He's like, so funny. Next came yet another step up the social ladder. When Marco Rubio is sworn in today, he'll become the second youngest U.S. Senator currently serving at age 39. People are comparing him to a young Barack Obama, as a matter of fact. So annoying. Who is? I was in with the in crowd.

Everybody loves me. Soon, the other kids tapped me to give the response to old man Obama's state of the union address. Wow. Thanks. Everything started off great, but then things started to get dry. America continues to be indispensable to the glow of global liberty. And drier. In the short time that I've been here in Washington, and drier.

Then tragedy struck. I tried to move slowly so that no one would notice, but somehow everyone noticed. That's what I call high-quality aid to us. With one sip, I went from Sigma to Beta. Riz depleted. I had to do something to get my mojo back, no matter how desperate. I announced my candidacy for president of the United States. Right away, the bitches got bitchy. Like when I showed it for the campaign in the cutest new boots and they called them man heels and high-heeled booties.

You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet? It's called style and glaring insecurity. Ever heard of it? And then the meanest girl of them all came out of nowhere. I need water. Help me. I need water. And he's straight. This is on live television. This total choke artist. He was like pouring water. He was sweating. I've never seen anything like it. I thought he just got out of a swimming pool with his suit on.

Oh, yeah? Well, just like a cat, when I get wet, I get mad. And also kind of like mildewy. Whatever. The point is, this kitty likes to scratch. Donald is not going to make America great. He's going to make America orange. Mike F-N-Drop As long as he didn't come up with a nickname for me I had this battle won I call him Little Marco L-I-D-D-L-A-L-A-L-A-L-A-L-L-A-L-L-A-L-L-A

Don't worry about it, Little Marco Little Marco Little mouths on him, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing. Okay, that's hurtful. It was time to go burn-book nuclear. And you know what they say about men with small hands? Come back from that, Hoover.

He referred to my hands If they're small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there's no problem, I guarantee. Oh, I was outplayed. I went from Superstar to a short, sweaty, high-heeled loser. Those were me wearing them. But I wasn't ready to- It's Rubio!

I was down, but I wasn't out. Well, I was out of the presidential race. You know what I mean. Shut up. There was only one thing left to do. Makeover! Something many thought would never happen. Marco Rubio supporting Trump.

Two met on Capitol Hill yesterday. Has, of course, endorsed Trump. Marco Rubio and first daughter Ivanka Trump. has inspired a movement. And together, we will not just make America great again. It was pathetic, it was embarrassing, it was so cringe. But most importantly, it worked. Marco's a good guy, a really nice guy, and I like them.

Yes, I finally made it into the inner circle. I was one of the cool kids. In the end, I realized it's not about being the richest or the tallest or the most popular. It's what's inside that counts. And inside, I have nothing. No spine, no principles, not even a shred of dignity. Because all that really matters is that when you get pushed over, you fall in line. XOXO, XO, Little Marco.

Fins are divided. Fighting over everything from beer to boating etiquette to whether that mother-f-fri- is real. That mother-hskear is not real. Sometimes they can seem like we're living in different realities. Luckily, there's a presidential candidate who exists in every reality. Today, I am announcing my run for president of the United States. A powerful being who can travel between dimensions without even pausing for breath. President Trump, I believe, was the best president of the 21st century.

As U.S. president, I would have made different judgments than Donald Trump made. The climate change agenda is a host. Climate change is also real, by the way. Cancel June 15, and one of the other useless ones. Happy Juneteenth, everybody. I'm very open to banning TikTok outright. Yes, I'm officially on TikTok. We're gonna be on here a lot.

Pop some drama mean, because this is the daily showography of Vivek Ramoswamy. Enter the Ramahverse. The Vake Ramoswamy was born on Earth Prime to Indian immigrants in Cincinnati, Ohio. He learned at an early age how to navigate the multiverse, being raised Hindu but educated at a Catholic school, and eventually using both,

to his benefit. I share those same Judeo-Christian values more so than even many self-professed Christians. You see, Vivek is more Christian than most Christians, because he's Hindu. By the end of high school, he already knew that time is a flat circle. The word commencement comes from the French word commonset, which means to begin, and yet now we use that same word commencement to describe a ceremony marking the end to our four-year high school experience. It was undeniable.

This bright young man owned a dictionary. After graduation, Ramoswamy went on to study at Harvard and Yale and came out a man of the people. I think many people are like me, people who are disgusted with the establishment. Yes, separately, Harvard and Yale are the establishment, but together they cancel each other out, like a hamburger and a salad. After law school, Ramoswamy was ready to tackle the worlds. One version of him became a stand-up comic.

I was actually one-time aspiring stand-up comedian in New York City myself. Another became a pro tennis player. I'm a tennis fanatic. If the path was open to me to have pursued that career, I would have done it. And a third entered the business world as the founder of Royvent Sciences, a company that sounded scientific, but also wasn't. Instead of developing its own products,

Royvent bought failed drugs from real pharmaceutical companies and tried to find uses for them. Because those drugs might not work. in our universe, but maybe he could sell them in a universe where they did. Many of Royvind's secondhand drugs failed, but in the multiverse, failure and success are all the same thing anyway. As a hard-headed businessman, Ramoswamy had no interest in the world of politics. I was out of politics back then. I was an apolitical guy.

But he was propelled into yet another alternate life by the only force powerful enough to rip a hole in the space-time continuum. Wokeness. I was a CEO who, like so many CEOs, was browbeaten into potentially making statements on behalf of Black Lives Matter after George Floyd died. Among CEOs in America, I was unique in saying that I refused to do it. It takes a brave man to take a stand against sympathy for the dead, and the Republican Party took notice. As an Indian American who isn't Indian American, Ramoswami was just the person to assure white conservatives that while racism exists, It also does not. I'm sure the Pookieman white supremacists

to exist somewhere in America. I've just never met it. Maybe I'll meet a unicorn sooner. That's right, Vivek has never met someone who hates people of color, aside from the guy who cuts his hair. In 2023, this anti-elite outsider with nearly a billion dollars in Ivy League connections

was ready to quantum leap into the Oval Office. But which recent president would he model himself after? Yes. Well, you have to give Vivek credit for following the Trump playbook to a T. Jim, I'm sorry. You're fired. Don Lemon, you fired.

They're saying that you're the Republican Obama. A skinny kid with a funny name. This skinny guy with a funny last name. E pluribus unum out of many won. E pluribus unum from many one. Yes, Ramoswamy shamelessly borrowed from two men who won the presidency, and yet he simultaneously will never be president. remarkable.

Ramoswami picked up supporters in one dimension as a classical pianist, and in another as an equally accomplished rapper. My name's Vivek. It rhymes with cake. It ain't about thee. It is about me. It is about thee. The United States is about liberty. Oops, there goes mom's spaghetti.

When not spitting bars, Ramoswami is talking about the issues, familiar issues, like closing the Mexican border, but also the upside. down version of that. Don't just build the wall, build both walls. And who's going to pay for it? Mexicana. Ramaswami is a thoroughly modern Republican. And also, he's not a Republican. I kind of cringe when someone says fellow Republicans. I'm not a party man. He's a man whose principles make him strong and also weak, your greatest strength. Firmness of my convictions. Biggest weakness. Firmness of my convictions.

His firmness of conviction is like a coin. It has two sides and ultimately isn't worth very much. But that's the genius of Vivek Ramoswamy. He's not nearly a Christian Hindu, elite, every man, successful, failure, classical rapper, independent, Republican, anti-immigrant child of immigrants. He's everything, everywhere, all at once. Explore more shows from The Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show. wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central,

and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.