The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | Government Shutdowns

Episode Date: October 5, 2025

The government may be closed, but your ears are open. Take a listen to The Daily Show's coverage of past government shutdowns. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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You're listening to Comedy Central April 2011 On Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York This is the Daily show with John Stewart We begin tonight with news out of Washington, the federal government, open-phobinant. I repeat, the federal government, open-forbidnit.

Now, that may not seem like much, but on Friday night, very much in question. With 179 hours to go before a possible government shutdown. Less than 70 hours and counting. Just 48 hours. In about 36 hours. 31 hours. We are about 27 hours away. 26 hours away from Friday.

Just 18 hours. 13 hours. 11 minutes and 21 seconds. Less than five hours. Three hours. Two hours from right now, your government is going to shut down. And there is nothing that can stop it now. It's a fait accompli.

A train with brakes. No brakes. Speeding down the track, the train is filled with baking soda. It's going to crash into that vinegar truck. May the Lord have mercy on our... A GOP source tells NBC News, a deal has been struck to avoid a shutdown. I can't believe it.

I can't believe it. Our government, saved by... Mundane, pragmatic agreement. which should happen all the time but doesn't so the whole countdown clock thing was in vain which is the subject of our special coverage of how you might be wondering how you're welcome you probably wondering how do we get to this point with the the shutdown had Congress get to a place where they were going to shut the entire federal

government down due to a dispute over 0.19% of the budget, a budget that should have been passed in the previous Democratic-controlled Congress. Why didn't they do that, by the way? We have a budget enforcement resolution. We passed that. That's a cap. The budgets beyond that are subject to the Appropriations Committee allocation. So we have a budget enforcement resolution. We passed it, and we're going to follow that budget enforcement resolution. Oh, you didn't do it then because you saw. So instead of passing a budget, you just made gibberish talk because that's the native

language of, Soxylvania, Population, you saw. Democrats put off writing a budget because they were afraid that talking about spending might lose them the House of Representatives, a strategy that, as we all know, worked out very, oh right. So now that we have a budget agreement, one that trims 38.5 billion in discretionary spending from the 2011 budget, whilst getting us all the way to September. The real question is, Who came out ahead politically?

No, no, that's. No, the real question I was going to say was, what does the bipartisan agreement say about the direction of our fiscal policy? Or, who do you think are the winners and the losers? What? No, I don't. Well, do you mean in terms of the social safety net programs,

or those who had relied on this type of discretionary spending and have been used as pawns, those people? Who actually came out looking good in this process? A, Obama, B, Republicans, C, Democrats, or D, none of the above. Are we f***in idiots? What? I don't understand this. All right, clearly you've decided that an examination

of fiscal policy is best done in multiple choice form. You're the teacher, you've got the teacher's edition, give me the answer, A, B, C, or D. Well, the Republican Party is the winner. The Democrats win by beating back that effort. Clearly, a winner is President Obama. The president is lost. No, look, the winner tonight is John Bader. The American people lost.

Everybody wins by avoiding losing. I hate you. Now, of course, agreeing to a budget is different from passing it, and one of the keys will be how the rank and file vote on this new budget, particularly the new stars of government policymaking Tea Party. It's the volume of their noise that has seemingly made it so difficult for everyone else to concentrate. So Tea Party champion congressman Mike Pence, what do you say? I think John Boehner fought the good fight.

I think he drove a hard bargain here. I want to see the details, but from what I know, it sounds like John Boehner got a good deal. All right, so we're done here, people. We can all go home and rest assured that even though this small budget dispute was blown up to hostage-like negotiation proportions because of the unusually large place at the table the Tea Party maintains, at least they're satisfied now. It sounds like John Boehner got a good deal, probably not good enough for me to support

it, but a good deal nonetheless. What are you talking about? That's where we're at with the Tea Party. You can't even support good deals now? Well, it's a good deal. some poor people remain oddly un-f***ed. So, my constituents won't have it. September 30, 2013.

There's obviously only one story for us to cover tonight. The impending shutdown of the federal government, which is the subject of tonight's special presentation. For those just joining the story in progress, our government is going to shut down in 57 of your Earth Minutes. Because House Republicans are refusing to fund the government unless the rest of Congress delays implementation of the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare,

also known as the end of America as we know it for reasons no one is able to clearly explain. But, you know what? Let's let the House Republicans try. This country was founded on the principles of limited government, personal responsibility, and consent of the governed. But Obamacare is based on limitless government. We're leading on protecting hardworking Americans across this country

that are feeling the overreach from the federal government. I come to the floor as many of us do to speak about a about the intrusion into God-given American freedom called Obamacare. It is an unconstitutional takings of God-given American liberty. You're just throwing words together. It's an unconstitutional takings of God-given America.

It sounds like a bull-shitting of random patriotic buzzwordies. If it's unconstitutional, I didn't know it was unconstitutional, and I know how much you guys love the Constitution. Nobody loves the Constitution like you guys. The Constitution is the foundation. That great document, the Constitution. The supreme law of the land.

The greatest governing document the world's ever known. I carry a copy. Just look at your constitution, which I keep in my pocket. Somewhere deep inside my pocket, but I'll guarantee you it's in here. Hold on, hold on. I got, wait, that's my weed. I got my weed. I got, I got, I got, I got a cuck.

I got a couple of rubbers here. I got, ah, son of a bitch, that's the monitor lizard I use in there to guard my copy of the Constitution. I think I got some Band-Aids in there. Son of a bitch, he made me again. But you know what? Perhaps we can look to the Constitution for a solution to this crisis.

Let me get mine. Son of a bitch! All right, here we go. All right. So in 2009, Congress passed the Affordable Care Act. Were they allowed to do that? Congress may determine the time of... Isn't there a cartoon that explains if they can do that?

Yes, I'm only a bill. And if they vote for me on Capitol Hill, well, then I'm off to the White House where I wait in a line with a lot of other bills for the president to sign. And if he signs me, then I'll be a lot. You know what I just realized in that? Then I just thought, boy, one of those bills,

I think, had a harpoon in his chest. We should go back and look at that. One of those bills is like, I need a doctor. All right, so apparently they are allowed to do that. They are allowed to make laws, and the president is allowed to sign laws. And what do we do if those laws are unconstitutional? Well, apparently nine precogs and magic robes

got together, looked at the affordable care and decided it was not unconstitutional. So everything appears to have been done literally by the book. This bill is now a law, vetted by the very system all these Republicans profess to love, but to hear the Republicans tell it, the whole thing could just be avoided if President Obama would meet them halfway.

They have refused to even consider the compromise that we have offered. They won't even negotiate with us on anything. What have the Democrats compromised on? Nothing. Harry Reid will not negotiate with John Boehner. The president will not meet with John Boehner. The president will not meet with John Boehner. The president refuses to compromise on anything. You don't get resolution unless people sit at the table, work together, and try to bridge these divides.

No bridge. There's no divide. It's a f***ing law. What? I don't understand this. Bridge divide trying time is over. Are you... Did you...

Nobody's saying it's a good law. Nobody's saying it's a bad law, but it's a law. Are you familiar with how the world works? Did you see the Giants game on Sunday? game on Sunday. Okay, they lost 31 to 7. And you know what the Giants didn't say after that game? If you don't give us 25 more points by midnight on Monday, we will shut down the F***N NFL. They didn't say that. What I'm saying is, wouldn't be nice if the United States Congress aspired to the maturity and problem-solving capacity of football players.

This is utter insanity. The Republicans are gonna get fried for this on the news. In the tug of war over the budget in Obamacare, will the president or Republicans blink first? Neither side looks like they're anywhere close to caving. Heading toward a government shutdown. Who will blink first? A lot of blame to go around in Washington.

Neither side seemingly ready to give an inch. We've got a political game of chicken with a whole lot riding on it. No, we don't! No, we don't! I'm all for a pox on both their houses when appropriate, but this is not a game of chicken. This is when someone is driving to work, and there's a car coming directly at them in their lane. That's not a game of chicken.

That's an ass-a-causing a head on collision. Let me see if I could put this in another way for House Republicans. You get nothing. You lose. Good day, sir! And you know the Republicans will heed this advice because he's a small business owner. But perhaps nothing sums up the sheer ridiculousness

of this situation, the degree to which the Republicans have left the plane of reason, more than this new talking point that they themselves rolled out this weekend. The president will negotiate with the Iranians, but the president in the Senate will not talk to the House. Have as much flexibility with the Republicans as you do with the Russians and Iranians.

The president's more than willing to negotiate with Iranians. I don't know why he wouldn't be willing to negotiate with us. You're not helping yourself. If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world. But not with Republicans? Maybe he's not the problem.

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eventlessly from countdown clock before shutdown to countdown clock up after shutdown. Because on cable news, this is a demarcation point in history on par with the birth of Christ. By the way, CNN's clock has just been given a new show, time of day. Coming up in our six o'clock hour, six o'clock. I'm kidding. CNN would never give a show to a clock. They would give a show to two pundits who have opposing views about what time it is. Clock fire! Tonight at eight.

No, it's at three! So there you have it. Oh, thank you. Here we go. Thanks to the tireless efforts of a few brave House Republican morons, we all get to now celebrate the March of Dumms. Government shutdown. Let's hear from an actual congressman.

Let's hear from an actual congressman as to why we had to shut the federal government down. We just want to help the American people get by and through what is one of the most insidious laws ever created by man, and that is Obamacare. Bravo. Not just one of the most insidious laws ever created by America, which has Jim Crow and slavery on its resume of laws, but by man. Putting Obamacare up with the Nuremberg laws, the Spanish Inquisition, and prima nocta, the medieval law where on your wedding night, the king gets to sleep with your wife. Hey, I don't know, King Longshanks may be in there banging my bride. but at least he's not forcing me into a health care exchange. Ooh, I don't want the government standing between me and the guy who applies my leeches. I don't, I don't, I don't know, I don't know why the peasant has an accent like that.

It should probably not be from Jersey. Anyway, so now the House Republicans have made the incredibly unpopular move of forcing a shutdown in the United States government so as to save us all from having the king bang our wives. There's only one thing left to do. Fox! To the damage control station, man the straw man. I wonder if it's going to be like the sequester where, before the sequester we heard, you know, the sky essentially is going to fall, it's going to be awful, you're going to feel

the pain immediately. Not so much. The worst thing that happens is some museums close and someone can't go to the Statue of Liberty. We were all warned the sky was going to fall while you woke up this morning and the sun came up, didn't it? Yeah. No one told you the sky would fall. No one told you that a government shutdown had the same effect as an asteroid hitting

the planet. Although quick note, the government shutdown did affect the program that would tell us if that was happening. But the point is, on Fox, no biggie. When the president came out yesterday and he went through the list of what wasn't going to change, he said, well, we'll have air traffic controllers, Medicare, you go to a doctor. I was sitting there going, wait a second, he's making the case for the Republicans. This sounds pretty good.

Maybe I'm just one of the few people. I'm just not, this doesn't impact me mentally. We've had 17 government shutdowns, Governor. I'm not afraid of a couple of weeks of government being shut down. How bad can it be if it doesn't personally impact John Hannity? I mean, it's not like they shut down Smith and Wolensky for private events.

I mean, that would really be f***ed up. Or closed our nation's strategic flag graphic reserves. Or if Roger Ailes implemented a no grunting policy in the Fox men's room. So it turns out there's a whole bunch of government functions that if ended, the casual observer might not immediately feel physically, but nevertheless might have an effect. NASA, the EPA, and the Department of Commerce would essentially stop functioning, with the vast majority of their employees forced to stay home.

68% of the Centers for Disease Control is, quote, furloughed. The Food and Drug Administration will not be able to support the majority of the majority of its food, safety, nutrition, and cosmetics activities. Really? They might not be reviewing new products. How weird is I am just introducing one such definitely safe pharmaceutical product to the marketplace. Hello, friends.

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Me opening a bottle of brain cocked in and going like this. All right. Enjoy that, BuzzFeed. So, a couple of government agencies are closed. Is this shutdown really going to hurt anyone? The shutdown will also suspend the special supplemental nutrition program for women, infants, and children. La, la, la, la, la, la.

See? Nobody. It's like taking candy from a baby, except instead of candy, it's food. But to the Republicans, all of that adds up to a big, I don't know, I'm just not feeling it. In fact, if there's one soundbite that utterly expresses this worldview, it's this one right here. If you believe the Democrats, it's time to go out and buy the pot of meat and tang and

getting your survival bunker. But at the end of the day... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You because first of all First of all, Democrats aren't the ones with survival bunkers. That's you guys. And second, I know that for you, potted meat and tang is shorthand for shit you wouldn't possibly imagine

unless there was a catastrophe. But for the people actually affected by the government shutdown, it's the they eat that they can no longer afford. Of course, I don't mean to suggest that Fox or the Republicans don't get upset by the effects of reduced government services. We remember what they were screaming about six months ago. It's a controversy over the administration's decision to cancel public tours at the White House.

You've got all the kids screaming and moaning that they can't go to the White House tours now. He's playing the political game by saying, I'm closing the White House. He's punishing those kids. He's even scaring little kids. I mean, how low can you go? My grandson, Robert, who you know,

he and his class went to the White House tour about three weeks ago. They loved it. What the president's doing is an absurdity. The politicians, including our president, didn't do their jobs, and now the children get punished by the White House. What's wrong with this picture?

Everything! Hey, your kid didn't get breakfast? That's your problem. My kid didn't get the tour of the White House? That's everybody's problem. Here's another reason why I'm excited. I'm not leading off with the government shutdown. Not doing it.

Tired of it. Switching it up. Except for this one thing that's kind of been getting under my skin a little bit concerning said shutdown. There's this whole Republican lack of what I like to call ownership over our current predicament. This is Harry Reid's shutdown. This is not the Republican shutdown.

This is Harry Reid and Barack Obama's shutdown. Democrats refuse to work with this. Reid refuses to come to the table and talk. Democrats still refuse to budge. No willingness at all to compromise. The president won't negotiate. Yeah, it's not there. It's not there. It's not their name on the shutdown.

It's not, check the name on the shutdown. It's not, they didn't do it. They blame O.J. OJ did it. I think O.J. If the glove doesn't have fit, you must have, remember the chase with the car. Anyway, the party of personal responsibility

ain't taking none. So listen, here's the proof once and for all. Sniffles McGillicuddy here, John Boehner, sat down with George Stephanopoulos, who asked him about a claim that Harry Reid has been making. He says, and he said it publicly on many occasions, that you came to him back in July and offered to pass a clean government funding resolution, no Obamacare amendments, that was $70 billion below what the Senate wanted, they accepted it, and now you've reneged on that offer.

Well, clearly there was a conversation about doing this. Several conversations. Several. But I, I, and my members decided that the threat of Obamacare and what was happening was so important that it was time for us to take a stand. And we took a stand. Did you- Did you f*** hear that? Can we stop having the conversation about it?

Both sides are you going to blink. They had a deal, but Obama care. We decided to take a stand. Look, you think Obamacare's a big enough threat to this country that you need to shut down the government over it? Fine. Own it.

Don't fart and point at the dog. Did you do that? Did you? He was a good boy. I can't stay mad at you, you're a good boy. refusing to back off Obamacare and pass a clean budget, sending our government shutdown into its second week. So I decided to take a crack at fixing this mess by sitting down with GOP strategists Noel Nikpur. Let's solve this. Let's solve this right here right now. Let's do it.

We just want our government back open. So what do we do? Defund Obamacare. The GOP is trying to save the American people from a disastrous health care plan. We don't have joy in the shutdown. Can you just give us back our government, and when you do, include Obamacare, because it's the law? It is law, but it's not good law. It's unconstitutional.

Even though the Supreme Court deemed it constitutional. The Supreme Court deemed it constitutional, but it had to go to the Supreme Court to do so. And they still don't know what's in. what's in the bill. The Supreme Court didn't read the bill. Ugh. I feel the same way.

Can we just stop this whole interview, please? You know, it's just a vicious circle. You dig your heels in. You say something stupid. It's a stupid law. Then I give a generically witty response like, Yes, affordable health care for millions of unemployed people is stupid. Then these dummies laugh.

But where does it end? It ends with defunding Obamacare. Oh, f***. I'm done. I get this job. Okay, it was clear what this situation had become. We have a hostage situation. You are holding this country hostage.

You don't get to extract a ransom for doing your job. So I enlisted the help of former FBI hostage negotiator, Christopher Boss. So on a psychological level, why do people feel the need to take hostages. In their world, they've tried a lot of other things, and everything they've tried up to that point of time has failed. They view themselves as extremely significant people, so they're mystified that they're not being followed more, and they're hurt by it, and they feel very abandoned by it. You know, I thought calling it in a hostage negotiator

would kind of be funny and a funny joke, but it's kind of incredible how this metaphor is lining up. Even bad shit insane has its own rules. When you find out what their rules are, whatever they are, and then you navigate within those rules. He prepped me with the trusted techniques he acquired through 15 years of service. Be careful not to be judgmental. Don't be condescending. I mean, just try to see it from her perspective.

Don't be condescending. That's all I know how to be. Finally, it was go time, and I had to stay focused. All right, just say something innocuous. Just get her talking. My name is Jason Jones. I'm here to listen to you. What are your demands? Can you just put the microphone down?

It's called a megaphone. Don't be condescending. That is not the strategy. Just talk about things that you think she might like. Try to find some common ground. Noel, talk to me about how Obamacare will hurt small businesses and their employees. All right. Nicely done. It's going to be disastrous for small businesses. I'm sorry, I just can't keep this up. It's so stupid.

It's not stupid to her. You've got to realize that even in her world this makes sense. Please continue with your thoughts. Foss taught me that keeping the hostage taker talking is crucial no matter what is coming out of their mouth. Obamacare is going to be one of the worst things, one of the worst things in American history. One of the worst things in American history, huh? Do you remember slavery? No, no, don't attack.

Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm like, see, I'm not going to call her on slavery or anything like that. Yeah, I know. I realized that what she just said is utterly ridiculous, and it ignores the entire history of the United States. But it's her perspective. I began to realize that there was one major problem with this hostage negotiation. We don't need government and our health care. we don't need government in our lives.

We need a smaller government. And that problem is that no matter what we do, the GOP is holding something hostage that they just don't value. So you're saying you're going to maim the thing you're holding hostage regardless? We will always fight for less government. No, you're supposed to say,

we'll let the hostage go safely. That's hostage taking 101. Oh, please. We're not in the business of taking hostages. If you want to look at someone that's in the business of taking hostages, you need to look at Obama and the whole Democrat circus. All right, I've got to tell you, in my 20-plus years in this business, I have never seen anything like this before. Looks like we win. No one wins in this case. The GOP does. It's not a fucking game.

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and tracks your progress. Let yourself run, lift, flow, and go. Explore the new Peloton cross-draining tread plus at OnePeloton.ca. January 22nd, 2018. The government shutdown is officially over. Oh, and also, there was a government shutdown. And you know, look, we all knew that news under Trump travels at warp speed, but this was just insane. Think about it. By the time we had processed the fact that the government were shut down, they had already shut down the shutdown. Like, one day news under Trump is going to get so fast, he's going to start a war with another country, and then before the troops even deploy, the war will be done. People would be like, hey, did you see that war over the weekend? It's like, no, I missed it.

Oh, who won? Tom Brady. Tom Brady won. That's who won. So, like, it's all up in the air, but let's take a moment to try and understand what the hell just happened. It all started on Friday, at midnight. While you were just getting to the club, the federal government was blacking out.

Negotiations underway to avert a government shutdown. When the clock strikes midnight in Washington, the government of this country will run out of money. A 60-vote majority is needed in the Senate to pass the proposed short-term spending bill that Republicans passed in the House. More than a dozen Democrats are ready to vote. No, because the bill does not protect dreamers.

Breaking news. The federal government has shut down. Man, that sounded so serious. I wish Oren Hatch was here to take off his imaginary glasses. It's shut down. It has shut down. Now, in case you're wondering what a government shutdown means, it's basically what happens when Congress can't agree to fund the government.

So the government runs out of money, which forces the closing of all its non-essential operation. So government workers were sent home, military personnel kept working without pay, and the FCC, for instance, stopped censoring anything on TV, which is why the last episode of This Is Us had that giant orgy scene. Yeah, Jack had sex with himself from the past,

and it was beautiful. It was beautiful. So Democrats and Republicans couldn't agree on what they call a continuing resolution to keep the government funded. Democrats wanted it to include a provision to let dreamers stay in the United States. Republicans were like, no, let's pass a clean bull

that funds a catapult to send them out, right? Now, in their defense, that really sounds like a fun way to get deported. I'm not going to lie. Babo! So after an hour of failed negotiations, lawmakers left the capital unsatisfied like it was a salad night at Paula Dean's house.

And no one was more upset than the toddler in chief because the shutdown ended up ruining his one-year birthday party. President Trump hold up in the White House at this hour when he thought he'd be at a big party for himself at Mar-a-Lago down Palm Beach, celebrating his first year of his turn. The anniversary party at the Mar-a-Lago Resort in Florida

will go on his plan tonight. Eric Trump, and Donald Trump Jr. will go in their father's place. Poor Trump, man. Because not only did they cancel his party, he had to work on the weekend, or at least pretend to work. The White House sending out this picture, take a look at it. They say it shows the president working the phones and make America great again. Okay, all right.

Hold up, Don Lemon. He wasn't working the phones. Look at him, he just looks like a part-time model who's learning on the job. Look, he can't even pretend work. He's looking right at the camera. You're not supposed to look at the camera. The photographer was probably like,

just look over there, and Trump was like, okay, okay, okay, I'm ready. Cheese. Yeah, because, like, other presidents could pretend work for the picture, you see, like Obama. He had his shot, you see, look at him. He's like, I'm working. I'm on the phone, I'm on the phone.

I'm on the phone. And Bill Clinton, he had his one as well. He's like, there, I'm on the phone. And then George Bush, like, oh, is this a phone? Everyone's got it right. What's with that pose? What is that? What is that thing he's doing?

It looks like he doesn't even know how to sit at a president's desk, like he's half out of it. You know what it looks like? It looks like he was on a tour of the White House, and then he snuck in, and he told his phone. He's like, quick, quick, take a picture. I'm the president. I'm the president.

It looks like the real president's gonna walking and be like, hey, what are you doing that, kid? Ah! And also, why is Trump like the only president who doesn't have his family pictures by his desk? Have you ever noticed that? Behind him. He's the only president

where I've ever seen that? Like, I wonder if his family ever walks in and they're like, hey, where's our photos? And he's like, oh, I'm sorry, where's your electoral college victory, huh? Which, by the way, was the biggest ever. Did I ever tell you about the time I won? But Donald Trump wasn't the only one

that the shutdown affected. There were real Americans who were faced with real consequences. There may be a government shutdown, but reports say that hasn't stopped members of Congress from using their exclusive gym. According to The Washington Post, some members of the House reportedly complained

there weren't enough towels stacked in the gym this morning and even wondered aloud if it was because of the shutdown. Yeah, it's not funny, no. You laugh, but it's not funny to people in Congress. Without towels, everyone at the gym had to see Bernie Sanders naked. And let's just say the cop, it matches the drapes. So whether it's because of Bernie's naked ass

or the threats of voter backlash, Democrats and Republicans reached a deal this afternoon to end the shutdown. And the deal was Republicans would promise to hold a vote on immigration, And in exchange, Democrats would agree to keep the government open for three more weeks. Yeah, three more weeks, which to me sounds pathetic.

But I guess that's why I'll never make it in Congress. Today is today to celebrate because we have shown that a determined group of senators working together across the aisle can result in positive action. In this case, the reopening of the Senate government. I want to say to the leadership of the Senate, Democrats, and Republicans, thank you. Thank you very much for demonstrating this bipartisan leadership that the country is crying

out for. American lawmakers are priceless. They want credit for fixing the thing that they broke, and not like really fixing it, like barely fixing it, because the government is only going to be funded for three weeks, which is not normal. I don't care what anybody says. You're just having a government funded week-to-week. is the richest country in the world,

and the government is out here basically paying rent week to week, like America gets caught in the stairway by the landlord, and it's like, oh, oh, hey, Milosh, oh, hey, yeah, I was gonna get you, man. I just, you know, hold on, hold on, here, there we go, this will cover it for the next three weeks, and don't cash that till Friday, yeah. You realize this is not normal.

You don't hear of governments in the rest of the world just shutting down because they refused to fund themselves. Where I come from, if the government shuts down, is because the rebels have taken over. Then the president is like, okay, the government is shut down. But not because people can't fund it. So we're probably going to be talking about a shutdown again in three weeks' time from now.

But I guess for now, Republicans and Democrats can be happy that they averted disaster. It's just too bad that Trump won't hear the good news because he's still in his office pretending to talk on the phone. Hello, Dalton. Yesterday, Democrats and Republicans reached a deal to end the government shutdown. But, like, was it really a shutdown?

Because if we're honest about it, they shut it down on Friday night at midnight, opened it back up on a Monday afternoon. I don't know about you, but that just sounds like a weekend. Yeah, it's what we all do in our lives. We shut down on a Friday night, and then it usually takes half of Monday to get things going again.

You know, that's life. Like, imagine you quit your job on Saturday, but you didn't tell your boss. And then you just walk into his office on Monday, and you're like, fine, I'm back. Like, what are you talking about? nothing. But yes, anyway, the shutdown ended yesterday.

And today, we found out the secret to getting American lawmakers working together. Republican Senator Susan Collins of Maine. She led a bipartisan group of senators and talks to reopen the government, and she used a now-famous talking stick. I can show it to you. And as you can see, it's beautifully beaded.

It is originally from Africa. It was very helpful in making sure that everybody's voice got heard. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. You had a magic stick that makes senators work together the whole time? And then you only bring it out after the shutdown.

What the hell, Susan Collins? You could have saved everybody so much stress. You know what Susan Collins reminds me of? The Power Rangers. Yeah, they spend the whole episode getting their ass kicked and then they become the giant robot. Just be the robot from the beginning.

Oh, there's a bad guy. Boom, let's go home. You'll bring out the talking stick at the end. Just by the way, guys, I don't know what she's talking about, but we don't use talking sticks in Africa. I feel like Susan Collins just got bamboozled by some random guy on the streets. He's like, take this stick.

The spirits of our ancestors will bring you together for $500. Huh? Africans don't use talking sticks, Susan Collins. We use microphones, all right? We haven't used talking sticks since, like, 2007. The point is, the government reopened. And as soon as it did, everyone just wanted to know one thing. Winners and losers from the shutdown showdown.

Well, look at the winners and losers of the government shutdown. Who came out of this on top and on the bottom and sideways? We know there's some substantive winners here. And he walked out the winner, not the loser. So this is who Crystal is the things are the winners. Mr. McConnell, Lindsey Graham, as he said, 2018 Democrats. I mean, obviously the big loser here is Chuck Schumer.

I think both sides actually lost. There are no winners. I think everybody at the end of the day is a loser. That's right. Everyone is a loser. I like to imagine that Dana says that every day in the CNN cafeteria. She's like, everyone here is a loser. Blitzer, give me your milk.

I'm like, oh, I need it. Shut up, old man. But if the big question is who won and who lost, the truth is you can make an argument both ways. It depends on how you look at it. You could say Democrats won because they got children's health care funding, they got campaign ads for the midterms,

and Mitch McConnell had to pinky promise to hold a vote on immigration in the next three weeks. But at the same time, maybe that means that they lost because they got a promise from Mitch McConnell, the same guy who broke his Obamacare promise to Susan Collins, the same guy who hasn't delivered on his other immigration promised to Jeff Flake, yeah, and those are his fellow Republicans. Like, Democrats might hope that he won't do them dirty,

but Mitch is the biggest player in the Senate. He's just like, come on, baby, you know you can trust me. Come on, yeah, I'm a changed man. Come on, ma'am. So, I guess Republicans also won, all right? All they had to do was give a flimsy promise, and then the Democrats back down, reopened the government. And on top of that, they snuck in $30 billion in additional tax cuts,

which you didn't even know about. Yeah, so in a way, I guess everyone kind of won, yeah? I mean, unless I'm forgetting someone, someone, oh yeah, oh yeah, the people that this whole goddamn issue was about. The DACA program is set to end March 5th, with no solution. Dreamers could start to face deportation at that time. That's right, the Dreamers. They came away from this shutdown worse off than before.

Because before, before it all became about winning. or losing, even Republicans believed that DACA kids deserved a chance in the U.S. I'm very sympathetic with this situation. I mean, these are young people who were brought here at a tender age. Do we want to deport 700,000 DACA kids? No, we don't want to do that. We love the dreamers. We love everybody. The lovers, the dreamers and me. Yeah, of course, Kermit's a Republican. He's old and super rich.

But once the shutdown became about scoring political points, suddenly Republican leaders turned these people from dreamers to illegals. Apparently, they believe that the issue of illegal immigration is more important than everything else. The Democrats in the United States Senate who decided to play politics with military pay and to literally shut the government down over a debate over illegal immigration. President Trump tweeted that Democrats are holding our military hostage over their desire to have uncharacterial. illegal immigration, can't let that happen. Get these illegal immigrants out of my country!

But look, if you're a dreamer, it's not completely unexpected that Republicans would turn on you. But you're also probably not that impressed with Democrats either. Because time and time again, they've promised the dreamers more than they can deliver. I cannot support a bill, a continuing resolution that doesn't deal with the DACA issue. We will not leave here without the Dream Act.

passing with a DACA fix. And then they left before they got the DACA Act fixed. Look, here's the thing, Democrats. I believe that you're trying to help the Dreamers, but you may be setting unrealistic expectations when you know you don't have power. And you keep making promises only

to back down. I'm not going to lie, that doesn't make you look great. And this is what sucks for Dreamers about this whole situation. You're six weeks away from being deported to a country you've never known. And now the only thing that stands between you and an answer is a man with more broken than chins.

To me, that doesn't sound like a dream. It sounds like a nightmare. January 7, 2019. The Wall. It's not only one of the lead characters in Game of Thrones. It's also President Trump's most famous campaign promise. Now, according to Trump, the wall is almost completely built

and America is safer than ever before. But at the same time, according to Trump, he also says there is no wall and America is in grave danger. And I know those messages seem contradictory, but remember that the Bible does this all the time. In the Old Testament, the Bible is like, don't eat shrimp.

Then in the New Testament, Jesus took everyone to red lobster. So, yeah, they're like, Jesus, why are we here? It's like, because you f***ed me good, Judas, that's why. Now, don't forget, yes, Jesus listened to Beyonce because he knew the future, that's the whole point of the joke. Now, don't forget, just a month ago, when Republicans still controlled all of Congress, Trump couldn't get funding for his wall.

So with the Democrats in the House, it's no surprise that the situation has escalated. A new year, a new Congress in Washington, and Trump's shutdown enters its third week. 17 days and counting, as President Trump refuses to back down on his budget demand of $5 billion for a border wall with Mexico, and the government remains in partial shutdown.

Democrats standing firm that no taxpayer dollars be used to build a wall. The president repeatedly promised that Mexico would pay for his unnecessary and ineffective border wall. On Friday, he suggested the shutdown may last months or even years. If we have to stay out for a very long period of time, we're going to do that. Wow. The shutdown could keep going for years.

I bet Trump is just hoping that if it goes on long enough, America can't afford to have another election, and then he can just keep being presidents. Like, unfortunately, there's not enough money for an election, folks. We only have the funds to print one ballot, and I get to use it, so my vote is for Chester Cheetah. Anyone who wears sunglasses inside is cool enough to be my president, folks.

Now, the thing about shutdowns is that if they end quickly, there's not much harm that is done, right? But the longer they go on, the worse the effects are. Think of it like this. If you leave your cats home alone for the weekend, they may not love it, but they'll be fine, right? They'll just, like, drink toilet water or something. But if you're gone for six months,

you're going to need some new cats. And because they escape and then they leave. And 17 days into this shutdown, let's just say that America's cats are starting to stink. Tonight, nearly a dozen departments and agencies have run out of funding. Roughly 25% of the federal government gone dark. Here are those departments.

Agriculture, commerce, justice, homeland security, housing and urban development, interior, state, transportation, treasury. Many judges are furloughed, are furloughed, creating a backlog in the immigration court system. Then there are the farmers already under duress from the president's trade war with China. The shutdown means they're not getting those stimulus payments promised by their government. The ripple effects extending to the national parks, piling up with garbage, even human waste,

turning them into health hazards. Park visitors in some places are taking care of business, shall we say, along pathways or in the woods. That's right. The shutdown has gotten so bad that at national parks, Americans are pooping on the ground. Who's the shithole country now? At the same time, though, I thought shitting on the ground

is just what you do when you go camping in the woods. I mean, I don't know why this is a problem. I mean, I don't go camping because I'm black, but it's what I always assumed People do. And the shutdown has gotten so bad that the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. has had to close everything down,

including their beloved panda cam. Yeah, which broke my heart. Because I love the panda cam. I relate to pandas. I, too, am half black, half white. And I also don't want to have kids. So I decided that the Daily Show was going to do something about the panda cam being down,

which is why I'm proud to announce we brought a live panda to the show. No, no. I'm just, no, I'm, Kazam, I'm just, I'm just messing with you. We can't, we can't afford to bring a panda here. We don't have that John Oliver HBO money, all right? What we do have is some special effects that are really bad, and employees, you have to do whatever I say.

So please welcome the star of our panda camp, Michael Costa, everybody. This is humiliating, Trevor. I'm a grown man, and now you're... I don't want to cut you off, Costa, but can you just chew on the bamboo while you speak, please? Fine. What I was saying was that this is undignified. And if you keep treating us this way, we won't be around much longer. He's so cute. Look at him with his little stick.

Thanks, Panda. We'll check in later. Ah, where were we? Ah, yes, the government shutdown. Now, the shutdown is affecting lots of people. But the people that's affecting most, most directly, are the government workers themselves. You see, 800,000 federal employees aren't getting paid right now. And for a lot of them, it's really hitting hard. Americans are talking about the tough financial challenges they face on Twitter,

using the hashtag shutdown stories. In Wyoming, Ernie Johnson says thankfully his auto loan deferred his truck payment in January, but if he doesn't receive back pay, he'll likely be evicted February 1st. And Sarah Waterson, who describes herself as a Marine Corps veteran on Twitter, puts her family struggle into perspective saying, my children don't care about walls. They do care about having a warm house to live in, a car to ride in, clothes to wear, and food in their bellies.

None of which is possible if their mom can't go to work. The president says their pain is for a higher purpose. The people that won't get next week's pay or the following week's pay, I think if you ever really looked at those people, I think they'd say, Mr. President, keep going. This is far more important. Why is Trump fantasizing about what people are saying

about the shutdown instead of just listening to what they're saying about the shutdown? Like he's fantasizing. He's up there, like, Like, I think what they would be saying is, we're saying we hate it. We want our money. Shh, be quiet.

I'm trying to imagine what you would be saying. They would be saying, I'm so handsome. And now, before you get totally mad at Trump, remember, he isn't the kind of person to just kick people out of work without offering them any help. No, in fact, his Office of Personnel Management is giving unpaid government workers

some handy advice on how to cope without cash. The U.S. Office of Personnel Management has advice for those. federal employees on how to deal with their precarious financial situations. They make this suggestion. Federal employees should offer to perform chores in exchange for rent payments. One example, the sample letter to a landlord that reads in part, I would like to discuss with you the possibility of trading my services to perform maintenance, for example, painting

carpentry work in exchange for partial rent payments. You want people to trade rent for carpentry? So we're going back to the barter system? I mean, I knew Trump was gonna make America go backwards, but not to the middle ages. I mean, no, because at this rate, we're three weeks away from America being a full-on barter system, right? And as an African, let me tell you guys,

you do not want the barter system. Yeah, you're gonna be sitting there trying to figure out how many goats an iPhone is worth. Is it one goat? Is it half a goat? And you ever try to make change for a goat? It's not pretty, folks. But as dire as the consequences seem,

the shutdown shows no signs of coming to an end. Yeah. It's a record right now, and that's really depressing news, because everyone doesn't know when it's going to end. We don't know where it's going to go, which is why I thank God every day for our panda cam. Panda, what are you doing? Michael, you're supposed to be a real panda, dude.

It's for the people. A panda wouldn't be reading Michelle Obama's book. Why? Are panda's Republican? No, Michael, just drop the book. Do panda stuff, man. You know, like roll around on the ground and shit. I mean, is that what you want?

Huh? Is this what you want, Trevor? Yeah, a panda. Are you not entertained? Huh? This is dope. You not can't do this anymore. No, I'm activating my white privilege. Yeah.

Not doing this. I'm sorry, you're activating your what? My white privilege, yeah, that's right. Sir, you've been upgraded to first class right this way. See what I mean? There you go. I knew it was a real thing. Michael Costa, everyone.

What a run! This champ is picking up speed. But they found a lane. Phenomenal launch into the air. Absolutely incredible Air Transat. Fly the seven-time world's best leisure airline champions, Air Transat. Did you lock the front door? Check.

Close the garage door? Yep. Installed window sensors, smoke sensors, and HD cameras with night vision? No. And you set up credit card transaction alerts at secure VPN for a private connection. and continuous monitoring for our personal info on the dark web? I'm looking into it.

Stress less about security. Choose security solutions from TELUS for peace of mind at home and online. Visit TELUS.com slash Total Security to learn more. Conditions apply. It is now day 27 of the longest shutdown in American history. Funding for low-income housing is in danger. School lunches are facing cutbacks, and things have gotten so bad that Air Force One

is now being operated by Spirit Airlines. Poor Melania, she always pays for Trump's sins. Look at her. She's like, this is not the best. Anyway, as you know, 800,000 government employees have not been paid, right? The U.S. economy is at risk of sliding into recession, and now, even most concerning, the shutdown is even affecting the world of hip-hop.

Native Bronx site, Cardi B, now wanging on the government shutdown. Hey, y'all, I just want to remind y'all because it's been a little bit over three weeks, okay? It's been a little bit over three weeks. Trump is now ordering, as in summonsing, federal government workers to go back to work without getting paid. I know a lot of y'all don't care because y'all don't work for the government or y'all probably don't even have a job. But this shit is really serious, bro. I feel like we need to take some action. I don't know what type of action, bitch, because.

This is not what I do, but, bitch, I'm scared. That is the most amazing thing ever. That is so dope. Like, how cool would it be if Cardi B somehow ended the shutdown, right? Like, we find out that Trump is a major fan because Bodak Yellow is his favorite song and also the color of his hair. Like, that would be so insane.

And I will say this, if there's one woman who Trump won't end the shutdown for, it's Nancy P. Because a couple of days ago, she wrote a letter asking him to postpone his state of the union address in light of the government shutdown.

And after two days learning how to write, I assume, the president wrote a letter back. President Trump moments ago canceling House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's overseas trip to Brussels, Egypt, and the war zone

that is Afghanistan hours before the speaker and her congressional delegation were set to leave, saying in part, quote, in light of the 800,000 great American workers to not receiving pay.

I am sure you would agree that postponing this public relations event is totally appropriate. He goes on to write, obviously, if you would like to make your journey by flying commercial, that would certainly be your prerogative. Ooh.

You can feel Trump said it like it's the worst thing he could think of. If you want to fly commercial, ah. That's hardcore, though, right? Canceling her flight right before she's about to take off. That's like the complete opposite of a romantic comedy. Like, I imagine Trump,

ran through the airport like, Nancy, Nancy, wait, Nancy, that's something I have to tell you. And Pelosi was like, yes, Donald's. Like, Nancy, get the fuck off the plague. Now, to be fair to Trump, Nancy Pelosi's letter was a little bit snarky, right? But it's crazy that Trump's GPS

never takes him onto the high road, right? Because he's just like, Okay, Nancy, you want to play where you're messing with the queen bitch now? But look, Cardi B is right. Something needs to be done. Because the government is not doing its job right now. And everyday citizens have decided to step up.

As the shutdown drags on, some are getting desperate. Hundreds of furloughed federal workers turning to GoFundMe, pleading for help to pay the bills. Some are dipping into their savings, they're relying on credit cards, even setting up GoFundMe pay.

The National Park Foundation has launched a campaign to collect emergency funds. About 1,800 campaigns are raising money to help with rent, grocery, student loans, and more. Yes, government workers are being forced to use GoFundMe to try and make ends meet. For more on how people are coping with the shutdown, we turn to a man who gets shut down at bars all the time.

Michael Costa, everybody. People are using crowdfunding. to survive, all right? Some government workers are even raising money to help take care of national parks. What do you make of this? Well, I think it's great, especially about the parks. I leave a lot of trash there on the weekends.

I didn't know that you go camping. I don't. I just take my trash there. Why? Where do you put yours on the curb where a lawyer could find it? You cracked me up. I'm all for crowdfunding to help people during the shutdown, because I love helping people. And more than that, I love playing God.

You know, sure, Coast Guard, firefighter, I'll throw you a hundo, but not you, TSA inspector. Not until I get my prescription shampoo back. I picked up something pretty nasty when I was throwing my garbage in the woods. You know what I'm talking about, right? No. Look, federal workers shouldn't have to depend on charity

to do their jobs. I don't think that's right. I mean, it's nice that people are stepping up, but this isn't sustainable. Well, it could be sustainable, Trevor. If everybody just donated to the services that they cared about, then we wouldn't even need government. Worried about national security?

Donate to the military. You want to help kids? I don't, but give to education. Want to support a handsome, high-quality entertainer? You can send me money on Venmo. I'm Michael Costa the Comedian, dash four. So there's three other Michael Costa the Comedians on Venmo? They're all me. I just keep forgetting my password.

my password. Ah, I see. Okay, but Michael, here's the thing. Widespread charity can't fix government's issues, because you can't guarantee that you'll have enough money to pay for everything that you need. So what if some people don't want to contribute? Well, don't get your dimples in a twist, T-bone, okay? We'll make a rule. Everybody has to give at least a little something based on their income. Uh-huh, and, and so, so we require people to donate money, but how do we know it's going to the right places? questions, huh? I'll tell you what.

We'll hire people to figure out where all the donation money should go, and then I don't have to think about it. Any other issues? Trevor Nocasio-Cortez. Yeah, I just have one more. I just have one more. Okay, deciding where the money goes is a big responsibility. So how do we decide who'd be in charge of it all? It's easy.

We ask the public who they want in charge, and then whoever gets the most picks gets the job. Then every few years we ask again. Michael, you realize you'll realize you'll You're describing a government. What? If that's what you want to call it, then let's try this government thing.

And worst-case scenario, if it doesn't work, we'll shut it down. That's where we... Michael Costa, everyone. And now, moving on to another formerly prosperous country that is now falling into unrest, the United States. It is now day 34 of the government shutdown, the longest in American history. And the effects continue to pile up.

A major border security conference has been canceled. Flood recovery efforts have been stalled, and the government is so broke, the Secret Service has now been replaced by mall cops. And on top of all of that, President Trump's State of the Union address is officially canceled. Overnight, President Trump blinking

in his State of the Union's stairdown with Nancy Pelosi. The president writing in a late-night tweet, I will do the address when the shutdown is over. I am not looking for an alternative venue for the State of the Union address, because there is no venue that can compete with a history, tradition, and importance of the House chamber.

Oh, look at that. Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi facing off, and Trump blinked first, which, of course, we knew would happen because Nancy Pelosi does not blink. And personally, I think postponing the state of the union will be good for Trump's approval rating because Americans are very supportive of him not speaking.

It's the thing they enjoy. Now, for many people, the shutdown still feels abstract, you know, especially if you don't rely on government, you know, for assistance. You know, people are like, what do I care? I'm flying first class. Well, not for long. Pilots, flight attendants, and air traffic controllers

are expressing growing concern saying air safety is deteriorating by the day as the government shutdown drags on. Their unions issued a joint statement saying they can't even predict the point at which the entire system will break. Oh, hell no. They can't predict when the system...

Like, now the shutdown is affecting air traffic control? Like, if I was a pilot, I wouldn't even play around with this nonsense. I'd be like, gentlemen we've reached out cruising altitude of 50 feet 50 feet just going to play it safe today folks but this is crazy you realize without properly staffed air traffic control pilots are asking how safe it is to fly and spirit airline pilots are asking what's air traffic control spirit airlines we shut down the day we opened

after 35 days of the longest shutdown in American history America's government is officially open for business. The shutdown is over. 800,000 furloughed federal workers will go back to work today and should be getting their back pay within days. That fix only opens the government for three weeks, and it does not provide any new money for a border wall as President Trump had demanded.

I am very proud to announce today that we have reached a deal to end the shutdown and reopen the federal government. Okay, first of all, there's nothing to be proud Second of all, there's not really a deal. Like, have you ever noticed how all of Trump's accomplishments are just fixing things that he broke? He's like, folks, good news. I freed the immigrant kids from their cages.

Wait, who put them in cages? Also me. I'm glad to announce North Korea isn't going to blow us up anymore. Wait, why were they going to blow us up? Because I called him a fat little rocket man. And who can forget when he dropped the White House bust of Abraham Lincoln? But then he was also the one. who taped it back together.

Yeah, and you can't even tell the difference. He's like, I'm proud to announce the refurbishment of this Lincoln statue. Sadly, it was not filled with candy, as I had hoped, folks. So the government shutdown is officially over, which is great, because federal workers are getting paid again. The FDA can inspect food again,

and the national parks can finally clean up their trash and put it where it belongs, the ocean. And although the shutdown ended, that doesn't mean it hasn't left behind some lasting damage. The nonpartisan budget office today estimated the last partial shutdown cost the economy, $11 billion, $3 billion of which will never be recovered. The government shutdown was particularly hard on contract employees. Those contractors aren't guaranteed back pay.

The IRS is going to be struggling to get returns out to some Americans on time. It could take at least a year to get back to normal after 5 million pieces of mail went unopened. You know, life is so unfair. The IRS just gets to be like, oh, sorry, we couldn't do your taxes because we didn't open our mail. But if we tried that, if we said, oh, we didn't file our taxes

because we didn't open our mail, now all of a sudden we're roommates with Wesley Snipes. And don't get me wrong, I love Blade, but not 24 hours a day. So now, thanks to the shutdown, the IRS is behind, like, a year, which is bad news for everyone, except Trump. He's probably going to be like,

oh, that's too bad. I was just about to have them release my tax returns. So although it was only 35 days, the government shutdowns effects will continue to hurt America for a while. And maybe it would have been all worth it for Trump if he had gotten some of that sweet, sweet war money, but he folded with nothing to show for it. And even some of his strongest supporters

are admitting that Trump got owned by Nancy Pelosi bigly. Some right-wing media analysts have been merciless in the criticism of President Trump. Broken man, biggest wimp. Trump just allowed Nancy to walk all over him. It's clear Trump did not come out on top. I'm not going to spin it for you. She has just whipped the president of the United States.

In this country, no, no, stop. Stop, stop. That's a victory for Nancy Pelosi. It will be perceived as such on every television monitor and screen in the country. And to deny it is to try to escape from reality. Damn. You know it's bad when even Trump's personal cheerleaders are dunking on him. You understand?

These are the people he watches every night to make him feel good about himself, and now they're trashing him. It's like, imagine if you had a book of inspirational quotes that you used every day, and then one day you opened it, and it was like, nigga, kill yourself. That's the pain he's feeling right now. And you heard what Lou Dobbs said.

You can't acknowledge that Nancy Pelosi whooped Trump's ass, then you are not in touch with reality. And honestly, I don't know why Lou Dobbs delivered this message on TV. He could have just posted a sign in the Fox News break room. Anyone out there, by the way, thinking President Trump caved today, you don't really know that Donald Trump, I know. He right now holds all the cards. He will secure the border one way or another.

I don't see it as a cave. I see this as a process. This is a halftime stopping the action. So, did he cave? Did he not? The answer is absolutely he did not cave. He did not cave. He made a tactical decision, a strategy decision,

to pick the ground to fight on. To pick the ground to fight on. To pick the ground. Yo, this, I'm sorry, this is unbelievable. No matter what Trump does, he's always a mastermind who's accomplishing precisely what he wanted to do. Like, if Trump was boxing and he got knocked out cold,

like Janine Piro would be like, brilliant, another strategic consciousness pause by President Trump. You can't get knocked down if you stay on the ground. But look, if you ignore the stands over at Fox News, it's pretty clear this shutdown was a political disaster for President Trump. It hurt the economy. It destroyed his approval ratings.

and worst of all, he's not getting his wall. And remember, Congress only has three weeks to reach an agreement on border security before the government runs out of money again. But the good news is, the good news is, there probably won't be another shutdown. Because after seeing how bad this shutdown went, like only a true moron would think of shutting down

the government again. And no one is that stupid, right? We begin today with the president's acting chief of staff, Mick Mulvaney. Is the president really prepared to to shut down the government again in three weeks? Uh, yeah, I think he actually is. My man. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe

by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.